The Breakfast Club, Part 6: The R-Men

Part 1........Part 2......Part 3.....Part 4......Part 5

 

Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice joint you got here, and a lot of familiar faces. Couple of my colleagues from over at FOX... Rupert Murdoch, Glenn Beck, hope you all are having a good time... And hey, is that Tony Hayward? How you doin', Tony? Sorry about the job... Speaking of looking for work, there's Newt Gingrich. You know, I thought this was a pretty exclusive club until I saw George Soros loitering beside the hot dog broiler... I see Meg Whitman out there. Hey Meg I believe your story about the housekeeper, because I heard you were paying her twenty bucks an hour. If a good businesswoman like you had known she was illegal, you wouldn't have gone above four-fifty.

Shove it, fuzz-face, I came here to be entertained, not insulted.

Whoa, is there a chill in here or is it just me?

I really like your idea of making Thursdays Comedy Night, Mister Blankfein. Maybe I could do a show one week.

Perhaps, Glenn... So, Rupert, I assume you heard about security catching Rahm Emmanuel lurking outside of The Preacher's house with a listening device during the last session.

Indeed I did. I promptly dispatched Bill O'Reilly to dissuade him from any further investigation, but I don't believe it's prudent to use Robertson's house again. I'm not that worried about Rahm, however. It's unlikely that he's learned anything that he doesn't already suspect. No, to tell the truth, I'm much more worried about Huckabee. What can you tell me about that?

Why were you asking me about Mike Huckabee? I thought we had all agreed to not approach him lest he bugger up our plans for Palin.

We did, but here's the thing. When Mitt gave me the status report about his group meeting at the Robertson place, he told me that Huckabee had shown up, supposedly per your request.

That's true. He acted like he was supposed to be there. He was actually very receptive, quite enthusiastic about the whole thing, even asking if he could get more involved.

How very odd... I can assure you that I never spoke to him. Anybody have any idea how this could have happened?

If there's a leak, then I'm the man to plug it.

I'd bet you good money it was that awful John Boehner. You never should have brought him here.

That was not my decision, Meg. Krauthammer is the one who came up with that brilliant idea. At any rate, he is bright enough to know better than to shoot his mouth off.

Hey, do you guys mind? I'm trying to do a show up here... Like I was saying, I'm kind of flabbergasted when I hear Obama talking about raising taxes on the richest two percent. Yeah, you just have to be making a couple hundred thousand to be considered rich these days. Funny, I don't feel like Ritchie Moneybags. Do you know how much it costs these days just to...

Then get a job, ya bum, and stop yer whining...

Whoa, I detect a little hostility there, Newt. But funny you should bring that up, because just the other day I was pitching an idea for my own nightly show to Mister Murdoch, and...

And I told you to go fuck yourself. That's enough, funnyman, I'm ready for the musical stylings of Miss Lorna Luft.

Lorna Luft? What, we can't afford Liza Minneli?

meanwhile...

Come on in, Ms Wasserman-Schultz. Mister Emanuel has been waiting for you.

I got here as fast as I could...I never thought this day would come, Rahm. I can't believe you've let the Corporate Overlords intimidate you into leaving.

My cover is blown, Debbie, it's far too dangerous for me to stay in this town. These guys play for keeps. They... They left a donkey's head in my bed.

So now you'll return to the safe little world of Chicago style politics and leave me on my own to unveil the true intentions of the dark ones? I can't do it alone, Rahm. I need help. I need access.

And access you shall have, Debbie. All area access. Think of me as Professor Charles Francis Xavier, a telepathic mastermind assembling a team of super-powered mutant X-Men and you'll get the picture. You know that I selected you for this mission because of your uncanny ability to make people like you. What you don't know is that I've also been putting together a team that has the power to open many doors. And behind door number one is...

Austan Goolsbee! Hello, Debbie, you probably only know me as the head of the Council of Economic Advisers, a man with the inexplicable power to understand economics, but did you know that I was voted the funniest celebrity in Washington?

Yes, Debbie, he also has the power to make the elite laugh. He gave me a dead fish as a going away present. Pretty funny stuff, eh?

I guess... Was it a crappie?

Holy mackerel, she guessed it. Another thing you need to know is that I was a member of the Yale secret society Skull and Bones. That gives me potential access to a lot of famous people who aren't in our camp. People like President George W Bush and his father, even Dana Milbank of the Washington Post.

As you probably know, Austan, both Debbie and I believe that George Bush Senior is one of the most important forces behind the Corporate Overlords. Now I want you to meet someone that I've been working with since 2007. You're going to be surprised, because he comes straight from the belly of the beast.

I'm not sure you want to claim that, Rahm, seeing as how you are the beast. Hello, Debbie, I'm Shepard Smith, the New Orleans mutant with the power to work at FOX News while still remaining fair and balanced. And my super-access allows me to contact almost every single political pawn presently poised to purloin power.

Everyone except for the elusive Mitt Romney, that is. The next person I want you to meet probably needs no introduction. He controls one of the most powerful corporations in...

Oh, wow, it's Tony Stark! It's a pleasure to meet you, Iron Man!

No, Debbie, I'm not Iron Man, even though I assure you that the ladies would insist otherwise. I'm Larry Ellison of Oracle Corporation, and my mastery of data gives me the power to get things done.

There's not a major database in the world that's not powered by Oracle, Debbie, and Ellison has Super User access to all of them. Now, the next member of the team has the unique ability to rock your socks off. More human than human, meet Mister Rob Zombie.

I am the Astro-Creep, a demolition style-hell American freak, yeah, I am the jigsaw man, I turn the world around with a skeleton hand, yeah...

I am the Kenesian, heat up the CPI in a frying pan, yeah, I school the President, in macroeconomics for the government, yeah...

Dude's funny...

The final member of our team has been here all along, isn't that right, Maggie?

That's right, Rahm, because in reality, I'm...

George Soros, ShapeShifter.

And as our team talks into the night, plotting ways to combat the Corporate Overlords, another conversation is taking place in Stillwater, Minnesota...

I've been researching it, Sarah, and you were wrong about Lloyd Blankfein. He isn't one of Beck's gold sponsors, he's the head of Goldman Sachs, the huge international investment firm.

Glenn lied to me?

Yeah, something like that. From what I can figure out, he's part of a group of corporate big shots that are attempting to buy the next presidency.

That can't be true, Michele! They haven't even spoken to me.

Well, don't feel too bad about that, Sarah, they haven't talked to me either. But there's something else you need to know... You're friend Debbie? She's not who you think she is.

Debbie? Debbie Wasserman-Schultz? She's only like my best friend in the world, Michele.

Sarah, if my research is correct, and I'm pretty sure it is, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is actually the daughter of TV ultra-liberal Ed Schultz.

...to be continued...