Thursday, October 14, 2010

Edward Niño Hernández, half-pint has-been

"Get out of my way, you pathetic runt," snarled the seemingly enormous woman as she veered sharply to avoid tripping over Edward Niño Hernández. Flipping her a tiny bird, Hernández watched as she turned the corner before daring to speak. He was, he knew, a broken little man.

"That perra tonta would have been all over me a couple of days ago," Hernández observes bitterly. "all of a sudden I'm not good enough for her. It just goes to prove what I've always said, these putas are all the same."

It was not always like this for Edward Niño Hernández. A long time ago, way back on September 4th of the year 2010, he was officially named the shortest living man  by the Guinness World Records committee. The 24 year old shot to instant fame, and put Bogotá, Columbia on the map for something other than drug cartels. The world was suddenly his oyster, and for someone who's only 27½ inches tall and weighs and weighs 22 pounds, an oyster is a lot of good eating.
All of that came to an end yesterday, however, when the Guinness committee traveled to Nepal to present the award to a new winner. Khagendra Thapa Magar is 26½ inches tall and weighs an amazing ten pounds less that Hernández (who admittedly is a bit chunky).

"I know they say that fame is fleeting but give me a fucking break," says the miniscule underachiever, still dressed in his celebratory suit. "Five weeks? I haven't even finished sorting through my options yet and suddenly I don't have any. Hijo de puta! I was just reading a script that John Waters sent over, but when I call his office today, they're like 'Edward Niño who? Me joder... Hey, got a light?"

Using both hands to support it, Hernández takes a long draw from the Marlboro which he has been using as a walking stick. After nearly coughing his little lungs off, he looks up and cynically says "I should have taken these things up much earlier. I hear they stunt your growth."

"You know what really pisses me off? The fact that those culos at Guinness played me. It seems as though they knew about this Magar all along, but he wasn't eighteen yet, so when He Pingping kicked the bucket they gave me the award. Well, Khagendra Magar was seventeen years and eleven months, conchatumadres, so you can all just comer mierda y morir."

Still, I dpn't want anyone to get the idea that I'm bitter, because I'm not. I had my day in the sun, even though it was the shortest fucking day of the year. I've still got some hope, though. I read the Nepalese kid has still been growing since the last time they measured him. Por favor, Dios, por favor, an inch and a half, that's all I'm asking."


  1. i've been wanting an extra half inch my whole life.

  2. Youre tellin me....That half an inch makes a world of difference, And gives you more options!