Friday, November 5, 2010

fumbling towards victory

Ending what has literally been hours of speculation, Nancy Pelosi today announced that she would run for Minority Leader of the House when Congress reconvenes.
Perhaps the one person most unhappy to hear the news is North Carolina Congressman Heath Shuler, the spectacularly unsuccessful former Washington Redskin quarterback rated by ESPN as the fourth biggest NFL Draft bust of all time. Shuler had announced last month that if there were no viable alternative to Pelosi, he would just run for the darn job himself. Yesterday Fumble Fingers provided an elaboration, saying "We weren't successful with me as quarterback, so I lost my job." The old 'vote for me, I know how to fail' offense that always inspires such confidence.
Shuler would be a welcome selection for the GOP, since he is a Blue Dog too red for even most of what's left of that sorry caucus. He co-sponsored a Lou Dobbs approved immigration bill with Tom Tancredo, he's anti-abortion, voted against the stimulus bill, and voted against the Health Care bill. His major piece of legislation to date was a bill which would have required airlines to have special seats that would shield kids from seeing any naughty in-flight movies.
"What part of 'we lost' doesn't Nancy Pelosi understand," fumed Shuler. "I mean that 'we lost' figuratively since I didn't lose, and she didn't lose, but some of the guys lost and I'm pretty sure that's all her fault. She's a failed quarterback, that's what she is. She could really learn a thing or two from me. When I proved to be a friggin' disaster with the Redskins, I had the dignity to walk away. Oh yeah, right, I went to the Saints for a fifth round draft pick, go ahead and bring that up. And sure, when I failed miserably with the Saints, I went to the Raiders for chump change but that was only to prove I'm not a quitter. And that's kind of my point to Nancy Pelosi - I should have been a quitter, cause I sure as hell didn't do anything for the Raiders and then I broke my foot and I couldn't walk away without crutches, so I kind of just had to hobble away."

"That's the way I view the Democratic caucus in the House. We've got a broken foot and we need a man on crutches to help us hobble towards the center. And when I say center I mean political center, not football center. You don't want to hobble to the football center because some of those guys are really mean. When I tried to play for the Redskins, Jeff Bostic was the center, and he used to hike the football to my nuts as hard as he could just for laughs. Jeez, those guys didn't care anything about the fans, they just wanted me to lose, which is pretty much the way I feel about Nancy Pelosi."
"Okay, you don't need to give me that brouhaha about Nancy Pelosi being the single most effective member of Congress, because the thing she's been effective at is passing legislation that I don't agree with. And neither do most of the other members of the House, either, because thanks to Nancy Pelosi they're Republicans and right here in the center with me. The cold, hard fact is that Pelosi has been attacked and vilified because of her effectiveness, so if we really want to move the country forward by making the GOP like us again, we need a leader as ineffective as I believe I've proven myself to be."

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