| Top 2012 candidates for the Republican presidential nomination are doubling down on their decision to keep a good long distance away from South Carolina after receiving a tongue-lashing from Senator Lindsey Graham for their understandable decision to not participate in the state sponsored junior varsity debate last Thursday. |
"You sure as hell better come next time," Graham warned the absentees, "because you can't win unless you come to South Carolina." It was unclear as to what 'next time' he was referring to, but the way he said it was so stern and manly that nobody dared asked him for clarification.
Talking to a group of fellow Republicans, Graham then decided to kick it up a notch, promising that the absent candidates were "going to come to this state and kiss every part of your body." There was also the implied possibility of breakfast, although to be fair, during primary season there's always the implied possibility of breakfast.
"Everybody thinks that South Carolinians are gonna give their vote up for the price of a sausage biscuit," continued Grahm. "Maybe that used to be the case, but it's not the case anymore. We want some lovin' along with our sausage biscuit, and we won't be denied. Now, Rick Santorum, Tim Pawlenty, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, and that other guy, they're all pretty good old boys. They did their duty, they showed up for our first in the nation debate, so if they want to sit out the kissin', that's perfectly fine with me. But the rest of these clowns have some penance to take care of. Oh, except for Newt Gingrich. He's in the exempt group too. We're all afraid that he might have something."
"Everybody knows you can't win the nomination without winning South Carolina, it's been that way for the past forty years. Maybe that's just a historical anomaly, but who wants to be the first to find out? That's what I thought. I predict that there will be kissin'. Not just babies, either. That's perverted. And if any of the candidates wants to do more than just kiss, that's between them and the voter. This particular voter hopes that Michelle Bachmann goes the full monty, but I do expect her to be kissin' every part of my body. Even the dirty parts, Michele."
"Mitt Romney, you have embarrassed the great state of South Carolina. Now let's you just drop them pants. Huckabee, you got a real pretty mouth, don't you? You gonna do some prayin' for me, boy. And you better pray good. Sarah Palin - them panties. Take 'em off. Donald Trump, just look at that pretty hair. Looks like we got us a sow her instead of a boar. I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeeee! You all make it down real soon, you here?"
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