Sunday, May 15, 2011

the non-contendor

"Chris? Come on, Chris, this is bad television. What, are you going to sit there for the entire segment and just glare at me? I don't need to do a monologue, Chris, I have my own show. Which is doing quite well, thank you very much. Matter of fact, we had our best ratings ever last night. Yes I know, you're going to say that's because I was on every news show on the air this week hyping it, and that's true, that's a fact, but you know, the ratings have been coming along nicely and the fact that I had Ted Nugent on certainly didn't hurt."
"Really Chris, you're being kind of childish. I mean, what is this, you're not even running any captions on the screen. Yeah I know, 'foolish non-contendor', but that's a label, not a caption. And it's misspelled. And it's inaccurate. I'm not foolish. I know you think that I'm the only Republican out there with wide enough appeal and low enough negatives to beat Obama, but you've been around long enough to know the political facts of life - an incumbent president is impossible to beat unless they're perceived as a real loser. Jimmy Carter was seen as a loser and so was Bush I, but the fact of the matter is that Obama is not, no matter how hard we've tried to paint him as one. I would have lost two years of my life, and for what?"
"Okay, Chris, we're colleagues, we both work for the same network, so I'm not going to walk off your show even though it's crystal clear that's what you want. I guess you booked me lead on the show thinking that you would have the first interview with the latest presidential contender, the one who's leading in all the polls. That's contender with an 'E', by the way - I'm under no illusion that you misspelled that by accident. I'm not your monkey, I'm not here for your entertainment. I'm here to provide opinion and analysis, so I'm sure you must have a question for me. No? You don't want me to say whether I think Mitch Daniels is likely to run? No? Hey Chris, weren't you the least bit suspicious when FOX didn't ask me to step down? No? You think I would have Ted Nugent on a show where I'm going to announce for president? For Pete's sake Chris, I played 'Cat Scratch Fever' with him, am I going to play a naughty song like that and then announce for president?"
"Okay, Chris, have it your way. We still have eight minutes to fill, so I'll just interview myself. So Mike, do you think Sarah Palin is more likely to run now that you're out of the race? Well Mike, it does crate a window of opportunity that wasn't there before, but I'm still rather doubtful that she's going to get in. Michele Bachman, on the other hand is likely to see this as a real opening with many of the evangelical voters that..."

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