the non-contendor

"Chris? Come on, Chris, this is bad television. What, are you going to sit there for the entire segment and just glare at me? I don't need to do a monologue, Chris, I have my own show. Which is doing quite well, thank you very much. Matter of fact, we had our best ratings ever last night. Yes I know, you're going to say that's because I was on every news show on the air this week hyping it, and that's true, that's a fact, but you know, the ratings have been coming along nicely and the fact that I had Ted Nugent on certainly didn't hurt."   "Really Chris, you're being kind of childish. I mean, what is this, you're not even running any captions on the screen. Yeah I know, 'foolish non-contendor', but that's a label, not a caption. And it's misspelled. And it's inaccurate. I'm not foolish. I know you think that I'm the only Republican out there with wide enough appeal and low enough negatives to beat Obama, but you've been around long enough to know the political facts of life - an incumbent president is impossible to beat unless they're perceived as a real loser. Jimmy Carter was seen as a loser and so was Bush I, but the fact of the matter is that Obama is not, no matter how hard we've tried to paint him as one. I would have lost two years of my life, and for what?"   "Okay, Chris, we're colleagues, we both work for the same network, so I'm not going to walk off your show even though it's crystal clear that's what you want. I guess you booked me lead on the show thinking that you would have the first interview with the latest presidential contender, the one who's leading in all the polls. That's contender with an 'E', by the way - I'm under no illusion that you misspelled that by accident. I'm not your monkey, I'm not here for your entertainment. I'm here to provide opinion and analysis, so I'm sure you must have a question for me. No? You don't want me to say whether I think Mitch Daniels is likely to run? No? Hey Chris, weren't you the least bit suspicious when FOX didn't ask me to step down? No? You think I would have Ted Nugent on a show where I'm going to announce for president? For Pete's sake Chris, I played 'Cat Scratch Fever' with him, am I going to play a naughty song like that and then announce for president?"   "Okay, Chris, have it your way. We still have eight minutes to fill, so I'll just interview myself. So Mike, do you think Sarah Palin is more likely to run now that you're out of the race? Well Mike, it does crate a window of opportunity that wasn't there before, but I'm still rather doubtful that she's going to get in. Michele Bachman, on the other hand is likely to see this as a real opening with many of the evangelical voters that..."

Tyra and Huck

"...Rolling, rolling, rolling on the river... Take it, Huck!"   "Beg your pardon?"   "I said take it, Huck."   "All right, give me that ax."   "Hey, keep your hands off me!"   "Oh... Oh wow, I'm really sorry. Boy, I've been really gaff machine this week. I thought you were asking me to take your bass, cause you don't really need to have two bass players. But, uh, I realize now that you were encouraging me to take the Republican nomination for the presidency. Sorry."   "You've totally ruined the song."   "Not totally, Tyra. I thought the first couple verses went pretty well. But back to topic, I could take it, Tyra, no problem at all. I've just got to decide whether or not I want it."   "I don't know if you..."   "You know, the late great Harry Truman once said that the presidency isn't worth a bucket of warm piss. That's certainly true about Obama, don't you think?"   "No I don't. Furthermore, it was John Garner who said that and he was talking about the vice-presidency."   "I'm pretty sure I know more about political history than you do, Tyra. And I'm absolutely sure that my opinion on Barack Obama carries more weight than yours."   "I should tell the audience that we booked you on the show before you started saying all these ridiculous things. You've sounded crazier than Charlie Sheen this week."   "Did anyone ever tell you that your head is too big for your body, Tyra? It kinda looks photoshopped on. But funny that you should mention Charlie Sheen; look at all the attention he's getting. People hang on to his every word."   "Not. In a. Good. Way."   "There's no bad way, Tyra, as long as you're being honest with the American people. Say, Tyra, are you by any chance a Mau Mau?"   "Mau Mau is the name of an uprising, Huckabee, not the name of a people."   "I know that, Tyra. I'm just engaging in a bit of friendly show biz banter. You know, I could teach you a thing or two about running a good talk show."   "You are an insulting little man."   "You're getting it. That's what I mean by friendly banter. But the important thing is my new book 'A Simple Government'. I need people to hang onto every word of that."   "It would be a simpleton government if you were in charge."   "Whoa, you're on a roll, Tyra. See, unlike my rivals, I'm not wealthy yet. That's why I haven't announced my candidacy. But if my book sells enough, I can get down to the important business of running the country."   "Folks, do not buy this man's book."   "You know, not only does your head look like it was photoshopped on, it looks like they did a bad job of it. I mean, it appears to be growing out of your shoulder."   "That's about all the time we have..."   "You do have a good body, on the other hand. Just because I'm a man of God, it does mean I can't look. Frankly, though, I thought you'd wear something a little more seductive."   "Join me tomorrow when my guests will be Kevin Spacey and Rachael Ray."   "I'm just saying that dress looks like one of Barbara Bush's old throwaways. I think if you put a little more effort into your appearance..."   "Goodbye, everybody..."

for your must buy list

The GOP's most lovable presidential candidate is out with a new book which is destined to warm the cockles of your heart, assuming you're the sort of person that likes their ventricles  heated.   'Can't Wait Till Chrismas', supposedly autobiographical, tells the story of young Mike, a mischievous lad. A boy so impish and untamed, in fact, that he simply can't wait for Christmas. A demon child, you might say. One so totally out of control that he talks his sister into sneaking downstairs with him in the middle of a night which is not Christmas eve, opening his presents and playing with them. Somebody must have spared the rod on this little bastard, because not only does he play with his toys, but in a fiendish act of deception, he rewraps them and returns them to under the tree. No one except for Santa and Jesus suspect a thing, not until Christmas, anyway, for that's when the unwitting hellion unwraps his longed for football only to discover that it's muddy. How severely is he punished? You'll just have to read the book to find out.   "I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was trying to piggyback off of Sarah Palin's new book," admits Huckabee. "I figured some of her followers might go to pick up her book and then decide to add something else a little more intellectually stimulating."

Romney bashing season begins

Today marked the unofficial beginning of the race to become the 2012 Republican presidential nominee. Appearing on FOX News Sunday, Mike Huckabee threw out the traditional first slight of former governor Mitt Romney by lavishing praise on every potential nominee except for the Mormon ones. Huckabee, a former Arkansas governor before achieving success as a bass-playing talk show host, was awarded the honor by virtue of the significant role he played in crushing Romney's 2008 nomination bid, an achievement that host Chris Wallace was quick to note. "This is a man who changed American history," Wallace said of the plain talking politician. "Without his intervention, John McCain might well have stumbled in his nomination bid instead of stumbling afterwards. Sure, Romney might have become president - albeit an ineffectual flip-flopping one - but then we would have never seen the emergence of Sarah Palin. I suppose that she would still be the governor of a frozen state that nobody but the oil companies cares much for. So thank you, Governor Huckabee, for being the Candy Man of the Republican Party and making our world taste good." "The Massachusetts healthcare bill essentially is the blueprint for Obamacare," said Huckabee without prompting. "How richly ironic is that? Of course, the man has so much money that he can probably attempt to cloud the issue, so I've got to concede that he's not without resources. The only thing is, they're all his own. Bwah ha ha ha, good one. Oh, one more thing, Romney's got sort of the inside track with a lot of the tired old Republican establishment." Huckabee would not rule out his own candidacy, particularly in light of the fact that 'poll after poll shows' him to be the frontrunner. "I'm the Republican that clearly at this point does better against Obama than any other Republican. I'm not totally unaware of that." He might not have been totally unaware of that but he was clearly unabashed by it, proceeding to spread the good vibes among most of his potential competitors. Of Sarah Palin he said "She has got the fire, the energy and I think there are a lot of Republicans who love her, would support her, and she would be a very strong presence in a presidential primary. I really can't imagine Mitt Romney being able to best her in the brains or beauty departments. Not that he's not a good looking man, just a little effeminate and preppy for American tastes." "I love Jeb Bush," he admitted without blushing. "If Jeb decided to run I think it would be hard for any one other than yours truly to overwhelm him. As opposed to Mitt Romney, he is in many ways, one of the best, most talented people we have in the Republican Party. Too bad about that last name." Huckabee proclaimed himself "a big fan of Mitch Daniels, comparatively," impressed by Newt Gingrich's "intellectual firepower, comparatively," and admirer of Ron Paul's constant adherence to his principles "unlike certain flip-floppers I could mention." Of Tim Pawlenty he professed relative ignorance, but added that " sometimes the devil you don't know is better than the one you do."

mysterious ways

"Looks like God went and opened another door for me," quipped Sarah Palin that nominal 2012 GOP frontrunner Mike Huckabee had fallen victim to his inner Dukakis. "Yep, I always told God, okay, even if there's just a little teeny crack in the door, don't let me miss it, cause technically, if it's cracked a little bit, it's still open, you know? If it's good for my family, or my state, good for my country, or heck, even an opportunity for me, I might just plow right through that door. But right now, I don't even think I'll need a plow, cause it looks to me like there's a big old Willie Horton sized hole in that door."