Following yesterday's failed debt limit negotiations, Eric Cantor managed to be the first participant to reach a microphone, at which time he described President Obama abruptly storming out of the room in a petulant frenzy. The account was quickly dismissed by the others present, who considered Cantor's remarks to a classic case of projection, seeing that he's the only participant infamous for storming out of negotiations in a petulant frenzy. In what is being seen as a breakthrough in the talks, negotiators have now reached bipartisan consensus on the fact that Eric Cantor is a sanctimonious little prick.
"The time for personal gain and political posturing is over," Harry Reid declared today during a speech on the Senate floor. "With so much at stake, even Speaker Boehner and Minority Leader McConnell seem to understand the seriousness of this situation. They’re willing to negotiate in good faith. Meanwhile, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has shown that he shouldn’t even be at the table. And Republicans agree. He whines, he wheedles, he interrupts, he shouts and he sulks. Cantor likes to describe himself as a 'young gun', but he's a pop gun, always popping off at the mouth. He's got terrible table manners and he truly does represent the very essence of a sanctimonious little prick."
"My colleague from the Democratic side has pretty succinctly summed it up," added Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Eric Cantor really is one of the most unpleasant human beings I've ever met. Nobody is more opposed to President Obama than I am, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to treat him with a certain deference and dignity. Not Cantor, though, that's too much of a strain for him. He would rather throw tantrums like a four year old and then when he doesn't get his way, pout like a little girl, so I will gladly second Senator Reid's assertion that he's nothing but a sanctimonious little prick."
"I'm not one to condone vulgar language, but in the case of the House Majority Leader, I'm willing to make an exception," said Nancy Pelosi, who has reportedly been particularly appalled by Cantor's behavior during the negotiations. "You know, President Obama has really shown the patience of Job in our talks. Job is nothing in comparison to this president. But there comes a time when even Job has to say shut the fuck up you sanctimonious little prick."
"These are harsh words spoken in an environment of anxiety and frustration," countered Speaker John Boehner. "Any suggestion that the role that young Eric has played in these meetings has been anything less than helpful is just wrong. We’re in the foxhole. Of course we're in completely different foxholes, but we're in the same war. Which is why I'm a little confused as to why he blew up the deal I was putting together with the president, a deal which would have really fortified my strength as the Speaker. Oh wait a minute, I'm not confused. Cantor blew it up because he wants to take my job. God, I really hate that sanctimonious little prick."
"In my defense, people are always a little resentful to a real leader like myself," sneered an unrepentant Cantor. "I'm a young gun, I'm the future and they're the past. Maybe the Republicans don't like me, and certainly the Democrats don't like me, but you know who does? The Tea Party. The Tea Party loves me."
"No we don't," replied Tea Party senator Rand Paul. "We just find you useful. That's a hell of a difference, you sanctimonious little prick."
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