"Good afternoon. I've called you here to announce my new plan to cut the deficit in return for raising the debt limit, thus avoiding a market catastrophe of unknown magnitude. These are desirable goals, and they would be accomplished in two steps. The first would raise the limit by 900 billion, enough to get us through the year, in exchange for 1.2 trillion in spending cuts. The second is a bit more complicated, and I guess I'm not even going to go into it, because young Eric here tells me that it's got virtually no chance of passing."
"Not virtually no chance, Boehner. No chance."
"So that being the case, I guess we'll just just be getting back to the futility of our work."
"Speak for yourself, old man. My work has been very purpose driven and personally quite productive. I am helping to mold the Republican Party into the political equivalent of John Galt."
[Reporter] "I suppose opposing the Speaker's latest plan will help you to achieve this goal, is that it?"
"You bet it will. Everybody talks about how great Ayn Rand is, but it's almost always just lip service."
[Reporter] "What exactly is your goal, Mister Cantor?"
"My goal is to ensure that John Boehner is a one term Speaker."
"Ironically, my own goal is not all that dissimilar to Young Eric's at this point."
[Reporter] "Not that we heard all of Speaker Boehner's plan, but what specifically did you object to about it?"
"A better question would be what don't I object to about it, but I'll make this brief. It doesn't cut spending nearly enough, it doesn't require cuts to entitlements, and it doesn't have a balanced budget amendment."
[Reporter] "But you've already tried a balanced budget amendment, and it was tabled in the Senate for lack of support."
"Yes, yes it was. They wouldn't even debate..."
"I'll take this Boehner. I'm adding it back in to his inadequate plan. We'll keep his first baby step, but before the money runs out in December, we're going to require the Senate to consider the balanced budget amendment."
"And by 'consider', young Eric means they'll have to vote for it."
"Only if they want any further funding past December."
"And it's a bit of a heavy lift, because it requires that any new taxes or revenues would require a two-thirds majority."
"A coward might call it a heavy lift, but I'd call it a worthwhile gamble. The payoff is enormous."
"The fact is, Majority Leader Cantor has a gun to my back. Literally. Perhaps you might have noticed how he always stands directly behind me."
[Reporter] "What type of firearm is it, Mister Cantor?"
"It's a snubnosed Colt Cobra .38 Special."
"A small gun, but I understand it makes a rather large hole."
"Especially at this range, old man."
"Before I leave, I'd just like to ask if there is anybody here who could help me out... Anybody? Please, for the love of God, somebody rescue me... Nobody? Ah well then, I guess that it's back to the grindstone."
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