Monday, January 2, 2012

another one rises

Third-tier conservative talker Mike Gallagher scored a minor coup Monday, landing an interview with third-tier-but-suddenly-hot GOP candidate Rick Santorum one day before the Iowa caucus.
"I'm glad I scored it when I did," quipped Gallagher. "A week from today he may have turned back into a pumpkin. Although, to be fair, all the other candidates turned orange weeks ago."
Santorum has surprised the bejesus out of everyone with his rise to theoretical viability over the past two weeks. Analysts have ascribed his surge to the fact that fundamentalist Christian conservatives have been unable to identify an acceptable candidate that doesn't either frighten, repulse, distress, or bore them. Boredom being the least of these, Santorum appears to be the last guy standing for some voters.
"I’ve seen the media completely try to shape this race," Santorum whined, wasting no time reaching out and addressing the most pressing concerns of Iowa voters. "It's not just the liberal media. It’s even FOX News," he continued, a statement that made Gallagher temporarily lose his composure.
"What do you mean, FOX News?" Gallagher sputtered. "FOX News is fair, balanced and unafraid, and I've got a gig there... Granted it's not a regular gig, but maybe one day that call will come. Support your accusation with evidence, you scoundrel."
"You've ignored me, Mike. This is a general attitude of the elite media in our country, both conservative and liberal, who think they know best and they’re going to decide based on who they think the candidate should be, who you should think the candidate's going to be."
"I... don't know what you just said. Let me asked you a question, Santorum - are you pissed because I've never had you on my show? Because I don't have a friggin show. I'm a friggin occasional FOX News analyst."
"Yeah, another occasional FOX New analyst who thinks they're going to get their own show. I've been there, my friend, and now I'm reduced to running for president just to raise my profile. Let me ask you something - when you've been doing your analysis, have you ever said, 'I think Rick Santorum is going to be the next president?'"
"Jeez, you've really developed an attitude since you picked up a few poll points, Santorum. No, I've never said you're going to be the next president. Nobody has, because nobody believes it... But let me tell you something - I've seen you on 'FOX and Friends' and Cavuto and Hannity and I believe that you once even made an appearance on FOX News Sunday. Sounds like you've gotten a lot better treatment than Buddy Roemer or Gary Johnson. What do you say to that, huh?""Bill O’Reilly has refused to put me on his program! As far as he was concerned, I wasn’t a worthy enough candidate to earn a spot, sit across from him and be on his program"
"Okay, Santorum. Whatever. Have a nice campaign."

"Man, that guy really grills my cheese," Gallagher said at the conclusion of the interview. "You know, when Newt bashes the media, it seems like he's a real fighter, but Santorum just whines. That's why nobody wants him on their show."

"You've got that right, brother," Oreilly stated when informed of Santorum's statements. "God no, I don't have that wussy weasel on my show... But I suppose that I'll need to respond to his charges just in case FOX hires him back in a couple weeks."

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