Wednesday, January 4, 2012

seeing the light

"...but even though this is effectively a concession speech, I just can't stop saying Obamacare. Obamacare. It's a very bad thing, very bad, but I guess that now I'm not going to be the one that gets to slay that dragon. But I sure hope someone does, because this is our last chance to stop the destruction of our beloved nation by godless Socialism through Obama and his evil care."
"So anyway, as I'm sure I may have mentioned at least once before, Iowa is the state that I was born in. I grew up here until I was in the sixth grade and then my dad had to move us because of his job. But in my heart, I never left Iowa, at least not until last night, that is. Last place in my home state? Now you're dead to me. That was despicable, Iowa, not as despicable as Obamacare, but pretty evil nonetheless. I only beat out Rick Perry in my hometown of Waterloo by five votes? Yes, I'm pretty sure that I would have to rank that on the same level as Obamacare. It didn't have to be like this, Iowa. I ate fried butter for you."
"When God first told me to run for the presidency, I was as surprised as anyone. I knew that I was destined for the House Intelligence Committee but I didn't foresee the White House. Turns out I wasn't being short-sighted after all. I was punked by God. Ordinarily I would say that's even more despicable than Obamacare, but since it was God, I guess it was supposed to be amusing. Or something. Anyway, I asked Him why He would do something amusing like that, and He told me 'Michele, your work in the House is not yet complete'. And then He vanished in a puff of golden smoke."
"What could it mean, my work in the House? Seriously, I haven't spent a lot of time there lately. But then, a light bulb went on over my head. It was because I couldn't get to sleep and thought I might as well read something. But that light bulb reminded me of the 'Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act', the only piece of legislation I've been able to get voted through the House in my tenure there."
"I think my mission must be to use my newfound power and influence in order to coerce the Senate to vote for the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act. Because in their own way, those ugly little squiggly pig-tail things that the government wants to force you to use are every bit as repugnant as Obamacare. This is a fight I started, and I shall be relentless in my efforts to protect America's right to light the night with incandescent bulbs. That, and repealing every last vestige of Obamacare."
"Well, that's about it, Iowa, thanks for the memories. Let it be known that I harbor no ill feelings for my inexplicable defeat. Because if God gives me the signal, you may just see me once again chowing down on a corndog in a few short years."

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