John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (part 4)

part 1 is here .... part 2 .... part 3

Good evening, friends, and welcome back to John McCain's Weird Tales. As you may have noticed, there hasn't been a lot of frightening action in this story so far, which may come as a bit of a surprise considering the previous work of this presentation's director. Let's bring him out for a moment and ask him where the heck this story is heading. Here he is now, Mr. Rob Zombie.

Howdy, John, and just let me note up front that I totally disagree with you and your bogus frightening action statement.

You're free to disagree with me Rob, but I've got to say that unlike 'The Devil's Rejects' or even the first 'Halloween', I've yet to feel my first goosebump.

Perhaps because of your background, you've grown immune to psychological horror, John, but I find the idea of people taking Glenn Beck seriously quite frightening indeed. And then you add in the specter of all America's wack jobs aligning with this human blob and I think you have all the makings for a classic tale of horror.

I suppose this is a good time to tell the audience that you've just inked a deal to write and direct a R-rated remake of 'The Blob', which is one of my favorite motion pictures. I want to discuss that a little later, but right now we need to get back to what you assure me is a very frightening show. As tonight's episode begins, we find Beck talking to my colleague in the House, Rep. Bob Goodlatte...

...and so I've got to give all the credit to you, Glenn, for opening my eyes to the terrible Czar problem in this country. And I'm proud to say that I am one of the co-sponsors of the 'Czar Accountability and Reform Act', or as we call it, the CZAR Act.

That's wonderful, Congressman Goodlatte, but as a serious journalist, I would be remiss to not point out that your acronym should rightly be the CAR Act. I know that might be a little less catchy, but still... Maybe you could call it the 'Czar Zombie Accountability and Reform Act'. Because these people are just like zombies. And maybe we could get Rob Zombie to direct a video about it.

That's brilliant, Glenn, just brilliant. I'm a huge fan of Mr. Zombie - I kind of think of him as the Glenn Beck of rock and roll. I'll bet someone as well informed as you has already heard the news that Rob Zombie just signed a contract to write and direct a remake of the classic movie 'The Blob'.

Oh wow! No, I hadn't heard that because I've been so busy with this massive convergence of mine, but that is some excellent news. Zombie has to be the most exciting person working in show biz today.

The second most exciting, Glenn. You're still number one. Of course, you are so much more than just a mere commentator, you're a true leader.

True, but Zombie is so much more than a mere director and writer. He's one hell of a performer. And I hear he's got a great new CD coming out in November, and a tour that will kick off in...

You know, Zombie, I already gave you a plug at the top of the show, so I don't really appreciate you using 'Weird Tales' to promote your projects.

Read the contract, old man.

Why, you talentless young whippersnapper, I'm tempted to introduce a Senate resolution condemning the remaking of any future horror movies. Then you'll see how...

Hold that thought, John. We're just now getting into this really creepy part where I introduce Michelle Malkin into the story.

...and I'm standing there, looking out at the vast crowd, and I say to myself 'Oh my God, Michelle, this is so amazing'. You brought as many people to the Capital as Obama's inauguration, Glenn, just think of it! And so I thought to myself 'Oh my God, Michelle, this is like the inauguration of Glenn Beck as the President of the People's Revolution'.

Well, yes, I suppose two million people is quite a good crowd to draw for a quote 'talk show host' unquote. Just imagine how many would have shown up if I had actually been there.

I am imagining it, Glenn, I am. You are the man who can stop the world!

Stop the world? I suppose I could... However, as I told my very special guest Wayne LaPierre of the NRA a couple of days ago, I would be be perfectly happy to simply be known as the man who stopped Barrack Obama from pursuing his Socialist agenda.

But you can be so much more! Glenn, I look at you and I say to myself 'Oh my God, Michelle, this is the story of a man who said that he would stop the motor of the world - and did. Was he a destroyer or the greatest of liberators? Why did he have to fight his battle, not against his enemies but against those who needed him most - and his hardest battle against the woman he loved?'

You know, Michelle, those remind me of the stirring words that were printed on the back flap of the paperback version of Ayn Rand's prophetic novel 'Atlas Shrugged'.

Yes Glenn, the very words used to describe our spiritual leader John Galt. But you, Glenn Beck, are now the one whom Time magazine calls The Man of the Moment!

True... But tell me, Michelle - What is the world's motor - and the motive power of every man? And who is this woman that I love?

Glenn, the woman you love is Lady Liberty... But as for your other questions, I believe that to answer those, we'll have to pay a visit to The Wizard.

Rush Limbaugh?

Oh, Glenn, don't you realize that you've made Rush seem utterly passé? When I said The Wizard, I was talking about Randy Phillips, the promoter for Michael Jackson's 'This Is It', the greatest show never seen. We're going to need to find the perfect venue for you to host the greatest Tea Party ever... Of course it might also be fun to visit Rush and steal his baton.

Damn right we'll take his baton. If I can get two million people without even being there, I should be able to get at least ten million if I show up with some decent entertainment.

And I can help! I'll blog about it!

I'll stop the world and melt on youuuu... Say, Michelle, do you think we could get Modern English as one of the opening acts?

Oh, Glenn, not just Modern English, but Sarah Palin also too.

Modern English? And Sarah Palin also too? Heh heh heh, I've got to give you credit, Rob, that was pretty funny... Rob? Rob? Oh well... Roll the credits...

...to be continued...