Tuesday, November 17, 2009

John Boehner, picky eater

"...to have the leader of the United States bowing down to the leader of another country is to subject ourselves to the ridicule of our enemies. And to top it all off, he didn't even do the bow right. I was watching Hannity last night..."
"...and Sean was showing how Obama was trying to bow and shake hands at the same time. That's not the way..."
"Cantor, step away from the microphone. Now."
"Oh, sure boss, I was just..."
"Stop flapping your lips and look me in the eye like a man. Do you know what I happened to do yesterday morning?"
"I guess so, John, I'm pretty much with you all the time."
"It may be true that you follow me around like a goddamn puppy dog but you're not with me all the time, thank God. Yesterday morning I made a little call to the White House."
"Oh boy, that's great, boss. What did you do, did you give Obama a piece of you mind?"
"No, you idiot, what I'd like to give him is a piece of your ass. And anyway, in case you haven't heard, Obama's in Asia."
"Well how would I know that? You're the one who called him, and you didn't tell me anything about it."
"I called the White House because I was turning down an invitation to next week's State Dinner with Prime Minister Singh. You know, a State Dinner is an unforgettable experience, and the opportunity to attend one is a rarity. I went to the one Bush held for Queen Elizabeth, and it was one of the highlights of my career."
"Well, it's probably a good idea that you turned this one down, because like I was telling you the other day, the things those upper-class Indians eat are pretty disgusting. Fish-eye soup, chilled monkey brains in curry, stuff like that. And I know what a picky eater you are. I tell you, Roy, we had a pizza from Generous George's the other night, and John was picking off the onions, picking off the olives..."
"It's Mr Blunt to you, whip-boy, and don't bother trying to pull me in on your side."
"You made up all that shit about the food, didn't you Cantor?"
"No way, boss, that's the kind of things they like to eat. Come on, haven't you ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?"
"That's not a documentary, shortstop, and I pray that you're cognizant of at least that much. My old friend Roy here just happened to be at the State Dinner that Bush had for Singh back in 2005, and he was just telling me about it. What was on the menu again, Roy?"
"Well let's see, we started out with chilled asparagus soup, and a very good Chappellet Chardonnay Napa Valley 2003, a salad of celery hearts and bibb lettuce..."
"I guess that doesn't sound too bad..."
"Shut up, Cantor. Then they opened up the Hartford Court Pinot Noir 'Arrendell' 2002, and brought out the most succulent pan-roasted halibut you could ever imagine, accompanied by basmati rice with pistachios and currants, hot..."
"Enough, Roy, you're killing me, and I need to be killing this little creep beside me instead. "
"Aww, boss, you don't mean that... You know, you shouldn't be cozying up to traitors anyway."
"Shut up, Cantor. I have a feeling that the reason you talked me out of attending is that you're just jealous that you never get invited anywhere nice."
"Well... Oops, late for an appointment. Gotta run."
"I don't know why I listen to that little creep, Roy. And to think, next Tuesday, I'll probably be dining on leftover meatloaf at home with Debbie while watching reruns of 'Two and a Half Men'. If I'm lucky."
"That's tough. You know, John, I was talking to Steny Hoyer... He's going to the dinner, and he told me that since it's so close to Thanksgiving, they're going to have John Madden come by the White House with Turduckens."
"Turduckens? Oh man, I can't believe it. I've always wanted to try one of those."
"Yeah, you've got my sympathy. If there's any left, I'll see if I can bring you a doggy bag."

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