Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Breakfast at Pat's



...of course, you have to remember that all things must pass, Maureen, and that in time... Was that the bell? No? Huh. I guess it's just that usually when I cook up a batch of my Age-Defying Protein Pancakes, someone shows up at the door to share breakfast with me. My goodness, that aroma seems to just get into people's brains, into their very souls... Uh, that was a disturbing thought, Maureen. Forget that I gave voice to it. You know, a sudden loss can lead the human mind down some weird nooks and crannies...

That was the bell wasn't it? No? Well, I am a little surprised, what with the aroma wafting off of my pancakes and this mound of Jimmy Dean sausage. Good gosh, that's one heaping platter full... And the truth is, I was actually expecting a couple of people this morning to join me in commemorating the passage of a great sausage man. Bob McDonnell was coming for sure, it's traditional for a new governor to share my pancakes at least once a year... It used to be, anyway, and Mike Huckabee said he was thinking about coming...

Whew, that's a load of food, isn't it, Maureen? Probably kill us if we tried to eat it all. Just kidding, you can be certain that my Age-Defying Protein Pancakes would save us. Yeah, too bad that Jimmy Dean didn't start his day off with some of my pancakes. You know, the word owes that man a ton of gratitude, Maureen. He's the man who invented modern sausage.

Oh sure, before him, there were sausages around - Bratwursts and Kielbasas and of course the Frankfurter, but the thing is you couldn't just eat 'sausage', you had to eat 'a sausage'. See the difference? The sausage that Jimmy Dean created was an amorphous blob, which allowed you to fashion it by hand. It doesn't become sausages until someone gives form to it, and I guess the most beloved of these formation is the one that Jimmy Dean named after his mother - the patty. I know it's my favorite. I have no desire to roll my sausage into a little tube like...

What? Someone at the door? Then see who it is, Maureen, they're just in time for breakfast. Well, good morning... Oh... Uh, Maureen, this is Professor James Evans from Regent University. He heads up our Sausiology Department. He just dropped by to tell me they're canceling all sausiology classes today out of mourning. My goodness, Professor Evans, you fellas take your sausage a lot more seriously than I do. Me, I just like to eat it. In moderation, of course... What? You're right, that is a mighty big platter full for someone who was just preaching moderation. But, this is kind of a special morning, and I plan to skip lunch...

Maureen and I were just talking about the malleable nature of the sausage Jimmy Dean crafted, and it brought to mind a question that I'm sure is right up your alley. Why are all of the rest of the sausages of the world tube shaped? Is it some sort of primitive phallic representation? I'm just asking because many of those sausages aren't even meant to be put on a bun. Say again? Oh, for the love of Pete, James, don't say something like that to a man who's trying to eat his breakfast, even in jest. Really? The sausage is put inside of a casing made of intestines? That is... that is downright disgusting... I can't... I feel a little ill...

Well, there you go, Maureen, I guess Jimmy Dean was an even greater man than we were giving him credit for. Not only did he invent flexible free-form sausage, but he resisted the temptation to stuff it in an intestine. That should... What's that, James? He thought the intestines would taste better inside of the sausage? You are out of line, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my table. Well, sure I'm aware of the fact that you never sat down, I'm just speaking figuratively. I'm asking you to... Oh brother, now Maureen is sick. Look what you've done, Evans, ruined a perfectly nice breakfast for everyone. Not to be rude, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave now, Professor. Enjoy your day off and don't be surprised to see a curriculum review in the near future. What? You've got a standing offer at Liberty University? No, just go. I've got some soul searching to do... Yes, you can take the sausage...

3 comments:

  1. Have you ever considered the possibility, Mark, that once you're inside Pat's head, you can't get out?

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  2. Of course it worries me, but I just can't quit him...

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  3. RIP, Jimmy Dean!


    AS the Rev. Pat knows,Griddlecakes are a Gawdly thing, as are the sausage links or bacon that accompany 'em.

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