I should have known it all along. The sick, exploitive nature of the lamestream media is not something that I'm unfamiliar with, believe you me. Still, last June when I got a call from Deena Katz, the casting director from 'Dancing With The Stars', I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
'Of course I can't do your show, Deena, I am way too busy with the people's business', I told her, even though it broke my heart to turn her down cause like I love that show so much that if I can't watch it I have Todd TiVo it for me. It's true that I'm way too busy, but there were other reasons as well for me to refuse, such as the fact that FOX won't let you be on any other TV networks unless Rupert give his blessing and those seem to be in short supply. Plus it wouldn't be fair for me to be on 'DWTS' (as we insiders call it) cause I would win what with all my fans calling in and swamping the switchboard to vote for me and that would take all the suspense out of the show which is the part that makes it so exciting and everything.
But then I told Deena 'I know who does have lots of spare time to do your show, Bristol, that's who, and she would be really really good' and Deena said 'Well I guess we could give her an interview' and I said 'No way, Deena, take it or leave it and I would advise you to take it or I'll Tweet to the world that I quit watching and then just see what happens to your ratings'. I don't think of that as a threat, just a reality cause I figure that most everybody who's a DWTS fan isprobably a Sarah Palin fan also too.
The hard part was talking Bristol into it cause she says she has two left feet (true) but I told her that she had all summer to overcome her handicap and also she could make a lot of money which is important when you have a baby and no discernable skills. 'I mean, you can't just keep selling exclusive exposés about Levi, can you?' I asked her and she said 'Well maybe I'll sell an exclusive exposé about you' and I said 'you better not cause you're the one with all the really ugly stuff in your closet' and she said 'Mother, this isn't about clothes' and I said 'Well it could be if you went on DWTS' and she said 'What's DWTS' and I said 'Duh, it's what insiders call Dancing With The Stars' and so we reached a meeting of the minds.
And it all seemed to be going really well until yesterday when it was TV theme song night. I know probably everybody thought that Bristol would do the rumba to the theme from 'Northern Exposure' but that is so predictable and I thought we needed the element of surprise so I said 'I know, Bristol, you can do the jive to the theme from the Monkees cause I always loved that song and I especially loved Mickey Dolenz who looked a lot like Todd and I really had a crush on him even though I was only about five years old'. And Bristol said 'Mother, what is the jive?' and I told her to quit her whining and then put on the Monkees theme and jived away, although I was careful not to do it so well that she would get discouraged.
Bristol look so cute in the gorilla suit I picked out for her that I knew she would melt the judges' hearts not to mention the hearts of the audience at home. And then after the number started out there would be like a monkey striptease where she would rip off the costume to reveal a hot pink fifties style dress that was perfect for doing the jive in. It was genius, it really was, and I couldn't wait for him to come on. I know I must have eaten about twenty carrot sticks in anticipation.
But now we get back to where I said I was foolish to trust the lamestream media for even a minute cause they're all out to screw me even if they have to use my daughter to do it. Bristol's segment comes on and they're doing all the stuff about what happened during the week and then when they come up to the last scene before the dance, they have a shot where they made Bristol wear a big red clown nose. I was mortified. I could not believe my eyes. They made Bristol look like a complete fool and even though she had better moves and a more clever routine than anybody else, I am sure the judges couldn't get that image of her with the clown nose out of their minds and so they gave her the lowest score which is so unfair.
Ha, like I should expect fair out of the lamestream media. Rupert is right, you really shouldn't go on any other network but FOX. Maybe I could talk him into replacing Steve Doocy with Bristol, although that might be a hard sell now that she'll always be thought of as the girl with the big red nose.
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