Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Vengeance is Mine

Former Oakland Raiders linebacker Tucker Carlson is making the best of his guest-hosting slot on the Sean Hannity Show this week. Totally bored and relatively clueless about the night's other stories (the declining housing market, Huckabee's ascension), Carlson lit up when the subject changed to the most scintillating topic of a slow news week - President Obama's shocking forgiveness of Eagles quarterback Michael Vick.
"I'm a Christian. I've made mistakes myself. I believe fervently in second chances," said the pious commentator. "But Michael Vick killed dogs and he did it in a heartless and cruel way. I think personally he should have been executed for that." Then delivering the coup de grace, Carlson added "The idea the president of the United States would be getting behind someone who murdered dogs is beyond the pale."
In followup conversation, which included the observation that dog is God spelled backwards, Carlson provided an undeniably powerful analysis.
"I think we have to ask ourselves if someone who gets behind someone who murdered dogs is every bit as implicit in the crime as the murderer himself. As a Christian, I've got to answer in the affirmative. But just what sort of a lowlife would lend their moral encouragement to a puppy slayer? Obviously a Muslim. Those people are notorious for their hatred of our four-legged friends. They think they're unclean. Well, Mister President, who's got dirt on their hands now?"

"I think that we'll have to reevaluate the terms of Carlson's contract in light of last night's comments," said respected FOX Programming head Roger Ailes. "I mean, those were some really bitchin' remarks, and we don't even have this man in a regular time slot... I think... it's going to be a really long year for Neil Cavuto"

This is not Carlson's first recent controversial commentary on the topic of pro football. Three months earlier he created a bit of a stir on FOX during a conversation about the the Tea Party's impact on the midterm elections where he observed that "Bret Favre should be brutally gang raped for sending dirty texts. Oh,  also, for not retiring last year."


  1. Man inna suit with a bow tie neck,
    wanna buy a grunt with a Tea Party check!

  2. "Willie The Pooch" reference gratefully noted, with awe.