Friday, October 2, 2009

John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (part 6)

part 1 is here .... part 2 .... part 3 ... part 4 ... part 5
Welcome back, friends, to John McCain's Weird Tales, where tonight we're presenting Part 6 of god-only-knows how many parts to our story 'The Convergence'. You know, I worry that a lot of people may get lost in these long continuing tales. I know I do... I just don't have the attention span that I used to have. Let's ask our director Rob Zombie how much further we've got to go.
I told you to read the contract. It's for one episode, but there's no stipulation on the length, so I can make it as long as I want. But don't worry, I've got to start pre-production on my remake of 'The Blob' in a couple of weeks, so I'll be wrapping soon.
Don't get me wrong, Rob. I think you're doing a great job. I guess I thought that the first few parts were a little bit slow, but last week was a slammer-jammer, with the space saucers, that big green Rush head, the flying sharks...
The first few parts are a reflection of my film making philosophy, John. Character development is very important to me, and I like to spend a good sixty percent of my effort on ensuring that my characters are fully realized human beings. It may be a bit tedious, but I feel it's well worth it for the enormous emotional investment the viewer has in the outcome.
Well, I know that I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw that flying shark pop out of nowhere last week. You could spin that off into a sequel.
You like that? That was from my special effects lab. You know, after I finish my remake of 'The Blob', I'm doing a remake of 'The Wizard of Oz', and I'm going to be using flying sharks instead of those tired-ass flying monkeys.
Wizard of Oz, huh? So that must be where you came up with the giant Rush head... So anyway, I sure am anxious to see what happens next with those flying sharks, so without any further ado, it's time for...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the hell was that! Your name isn't supposed to come up until the end credits!

Hush, John. Check this scene out - the sky is turning black with flying sharks, and they're all heading straight towards Beck and Malkin!

Your name is in bigger letters than mine!

Dig it. Here comes Art Bell in his flying saucer! He turns his lasers on them, but there's too many sharks! One of them bites Glenn Beck on the ass!

I'm gonna have my lawyer rip you a new...
Read the contract, old man!

Oh, jeez... you made me miss the part where Art Bell teleports them on board with a Radiscon beam...

What? I missed the flying sharks? And I've been waiting all week to see that... Awww, lets get back to the show...
Oh, Glenn, that was so freaky and dangerous. And yet, I feel somehow strangely excited... I'm tingling all over...
You know, Michelle, maybe you could come over here and sit on my lap for a while. I'm sure that it would help Mr. Bell's ability to navigate...
It's too late, Beck, we're already here in Merry Olde England! And not a moment too soon, either. Here comes superstar concert promoter Randy Phillips now... Do me one small favor, Beck. See if Phillips can book the Foo Fighters as an opening act. My followers sure do love that band.

As long as you can stick around and give me a ride back to the States, you've got it. Anything else?
Well, I know we'd all love to see Rob Zombie, the greatest musical talent of our generation, but he's probably out of the reach of even Mr Phillips.
Ha ha, I overheard that, and let me assure you that my reach has never exceeded my grasp. You shall have your Rob Zombie, and I'll throw in Kanye West for free!
Wow! You're as fast as Art Bell's hot rod. Good to meet you, Phillips. So you're the man who bet it all on Michael Jackson and still won big in spite of a showdown match with death.
It was all a simple matter of good insurance and proper product control. Good to meet you, Beck. So you're the man who drew more than two million people to Washington DC in spite of having no entertainment. That's wild!
Not as wild as my next gig, Phillips. My lovely assistant Michelle here thinks that with the proper mix of entertainment, I could draw as many as... what was that figure, Michelle?
Ten million people, Glenn! Maybe more! I'm blogging about it! And we've also stolen Rush's baton, Mr. Phillips!
So that's ten million at least. My, my, sounds like you all are going to need a rather large venue.
Yeah... I was thinking about the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but some of my fans might be a little too feeble for that... Besides, the clowns in the Obama administration would never rent it to me.
Well then, why don't we go with a venue that they have no control over? I propose that we use the People's Park - the National Mall.
That's brilliant! No one can prevent the American people's Constitutional right to freely assemble to hear free speech and free music. Can you get the permits and handle the logistics?
Is my name Randy 'Jackson' Phillips? Thirty percent. Of course I can! We'll just get you insured and start right to work on the agenda. Let's shake on it.
Whoa! Don't you ever wash that thing? I hate to come off as the bearer of bad news, Beck, but there appears to be something seriously out of whack with your hand.
I know. My arm has been getting all gross and Blobby ever since I grabbed Rush's cigar. Must be a saliva allergy or something. Don't worry, though, I'll get it checked out as soon as I'm back home.
Please do get that thing taken care of, or I'll have to fix you up with one of MJ's gloves... All right, let's crack some bubbly and talk about the line-up. And while we do that, here's a brand new video from Rob Zombie's new CD, 'Hellbilly Deluxe 2: Noble Jackals, Penny Dreadfuls And The Systematic Dehumanization Of Cool', in stores everywhere on November 19th.

I know, I know, 'read the contract'.
You're finally learning, old man. Anyway, I'm gonna split and get some beers. That's pretty much it for part six of the episode.

But I thought they were going to put together the talent line-up and, uh, sign insurance papers.
Nah, nobody wants to see that shit... If you're interested, you can always catch it in the deleted scenes when it comes out on DVD... Later.

Well, that's it for tonight's episode... or part of an episode... I guess................ Later. be continued...

Special Bonus deleted scene
Guys, I want you to meet my resident artist and insurance underwriter Dugan. He's a little eccentric, like the rest of us... He'll only communicate with a bag over his head.
Hey, man. I'll just be sitting here sketching out a few ideas while you all talk.
Hey yourself, Dugan. That's an interesting bag you're into, but like the man said, we're all a little eccentric in our own ways. Put 'er here, buddy, and let's shake.
Forget about it, man. No way I'm gonna shake that nasty appendage. You oughta put a bag on it.
Can't say that I blame you, Dugan. From what I understand, it touched Rush's cigar. So, Beck, aside from national treasure Rob Zombie, who else do you have in mind for your little block party? Like I said, if you book Zombie, I can throw in Kanye West for nothing.
Well, I guess as long as he's free... Modern English is right at the top of my list, and Sarah Palin also too. Heh heh, little inside joke...
'Melt With You' and 'You Betcha'? Crap and Claptrap. I smell a golden ticket.
Let me see... Art Bell's people want the Foo Fighters... And I'm sure we could use Toby Keith, Ted Nugent, and Hank Williams Jr. They're kind of the standard bearers for the 'No Generation'.
Yeah, and they'll all work just for the PR. Hold on, I'm sketching this all out... That's Crap, Crap, Crap, and the Foo Fighters, right? Who else? I've got space on here for a few more.
Me, of course, and uh, speaking of me, I'd kind of like to have My Chemical Romance... I really love that 'Dead' song they do, and I'm pretty sure the Deathers would too.
Oh absolutely! It's almost as good as a Rob Zombie song! The Gunners and Truthers and TownHallers would love it too! And let me think, Glenn, we want to be inclusive... For the New World Orderers and the Birthers, why don't we see if we can get... Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
Sorry, little lady, no can do. That Neil Young is too much of a prick to deal with. But I tell you what - I can get you Crosby, Stills, Nash and Ralph Nader.
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Ralph Nader? Well, I guess as long Nader can play the guitar solo on 'Beckstock', it's all good...
Looks like Dugan is ready with your artwork. We'll send everything to the contracts team and get this show on the road!
Sounds like an excellent line up, especially the great Rob Zombie! Let's shake on it... Oh yeah... Never mind...


  1. Great series, Mark - you got me comin' over "here" now.

  2. You got the pic right befroe my ugly mug busted the bandwidth at Photobucket!

  3. Good to see you, Paul. Come anytime.

    Thanks for the guest appearance, Zen!

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