Friday, September 25, 2009

John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (part 5)

part 1 is here .... part 2 .... part 3 ... part 4
My friends, before we plunge back into our story, I'd like to ask a simple question. How many of you have been on the cover of Time Magazine? Quite a few would raise their hands if I were actually talking to 'my friends', but since I'm only using that phrase rhetorically, I imagine that many of you are puzzled by my question.
There is a strange phenomenon known as the Time Magazine Cover Curse, and it can be quite deadly. This cover, for example, was intended to coincide with the Michael Jackson 'This Is It' comeback shows. Instead, it became the cover of a Very Special Collectible Commemorative Edition.
Or consider this cover from May of 1966 on 'The Jesus Revolution'. Scarcely twelve months later, Time was forced to run a cover asking 'Is God Dead?'

I, too, have suffered mightily from the ravages of Time.

Feelin' all right? I'm not feelin' too good myself.
And now perhaps you can understand why I my be forgiven for suggesting that my question was not without a certain relevance.
What is this curse of Time, and may it somehow be avoided? A curse is naught but a set of possibilities, all of them negative. And no, it can't be avoided.
Cut!

John, let's do that last line again, and this time try to leave just a little bit of suspense.

What is this curse of Time? A curse is naught but a set of possibilities, all of them negative. Can it be avoided? Beats the hell out of me. And now without further ado, I'm proud to present...
...and all I can tell you listeners right now is that we are planning something huge, bigger than Woodstock and the 9/12 Tea Party combined. I'll have more info later in the week, but for now, in the words of the Founding Fathers, let's stick it in the wind and blow this pop stand. Tune in again tomorrow for more insight you can only find here. Till then, this is Glenn Beck, signing off.
Great show, Glenn. Masterful. And you know what? I'll bet if that blowhard Rush had just been on the cover of Time magazine he would have spent all three hours crowing about it.
Well, it's not like I was named Man of the Year, Michelle, just Man of the Moment, so no biggie. Man of the Year doesn't come until December. Say, have you ever heard of the Time Magazine cover curse?

I think I have, Glenn, but you might want to refresh my memory.
They say that if you're on the cover of Time magazine that you're destined to have even more money and power that ever before. But enough of that. We've got to go and see The Wizards. I believe that you've set me up a meeting with Rush at 3:00 PM, and Congressman Goodlatte has introduced me to the incredibly talented Renaissance man Rob Zombie, who has arranged a meeting between me and Randy Phillips at 3:00 PM.
Oh, that's so silly, Glenn. How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
Perhaps you're unaware of the phenomenon known as time zones, Michelle. The meeting with Rush is in Palm Beach and the one with Phillips is in London, and there's at least two of those strange zones in between. And now, I'd like you to meet my new friend Art Bell, who is providing us with transportation.
Transportation of a nature that many people are not even willing to acknowledge exists!

Michelle, I'm afraid that you're going to have to ride in the glove compartment...
Nah, she can sit on my lap.

All right, everybody on board the Night Train!

My god, this thing is fast. What are we now, in subatomic space? I know I am... Anyway, Michelle, I guess the important thing here is for me to explain to Rush that we're working towards a common goal and convince him that promoting my event to his vast listening audience will benefit us both, insomuch as...
No way, Glenn. Like I told you before, when we see Rush, we've got to literally steal his baton! Once we have his baton, we can absorb all of his followers and lead them backwards.

I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense. So, I guess we're taking the pipe from the Pied Piper.
No way, Glenn. We're stealing the cigar from the Fried Griper... Wow! This thing really is fast! Looks like we're already here...
But where is here? And what is this place? The street appears to be paved with bricks of gold.
It's West Palm Beach, Glenn, where all the goldbrickers live... Now we just need to follow this road... The Rush mansion should be just about two blocks up the street...
Okay... I think I can walk two blocks... Hmm, nice neighborhood, maybe I should tweet my real estate agent... There's the house, dead ahead, and five minutes to spare. Hey, look at that, Michelle. Rush has his own Ruth's Criss Steak House right next door.
No, silly, that's Sean Hannity's house.

Say, Glenn, doesn't that doorman look vaguely familiar?


Welcome, folks. Master is expecting you.
I think he used to have a show on CNBC... Let's see... Down the corridor... I guess we should just go through these big golden doors...

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!
I mean, uh, Hiiiiiiii, Mr. Limbaugh... Or should I just call you Rush?
You can call me Rush or you can call me Sir Dittohead or you can call me El Rushbo or you can call me the Doctor of Democracy or you can call me Mount Rushmore or you...
I think I'll call you Rush. The reason I wanted to see you today was to tell you about a concert and protest festival that I'm planning which will be the biggest gathering of conservative Americans ever held. Are you interested, Rush?
You doesn't have to call me Rush. You can call me America's Anchorman or you can call me The Über-sexual or you can call me The Titular Head of the Republican Party or you can call me...

Quck, Glenn, quick! Grab his baton before he brags you into unconsciousness!

Oh no, it's slick with saliva and slipped right out of my hand.
Close but no cigar, little man. You can call me the Maha Rushie or you can call me The Wizard or you can call me Talent on Loan From God or you can call me a Weapon of Mass Instruction or...

Quick, Glenn, one more try! My eyelids are getting heavy...
I think I'll just call you El Has-Been, Limbaugh.

I got it, Michelle, I got his baton! Now run like hell!
Leaving so soon?

Look out for the flying sharks


Flying sharks? Huh. I think I remember now where I've seen that doorman.

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...to be continued...

4 comments:

  1. just wunnerful!


    esp. the firesign theater homage...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Isn't it funny how stories evolve? One idea opens up another possibility you didn't know was there.

    Nice work!

    ReplyDelete