Zombie Woof (Epilogue)

Rest of the story starts here.

December 21, 2009

How ya doin', Mr Buchanan? Long time, no see. You want me to set you up with one of your Thorogood specials?

Not tonight, Joe. Just a cup of coffee with a little Irish in it. I was just stopping by in hopes that Frank Zappa might show up again this year...

Hadn't seen him since Zappadan last year, Mr Buchanan. And the only other time was back in '93. He's kinda like Haley's Comet. Funny thing is, those are the only two times you've ever been in here, other than tonight. You two don't have some sort of weird karmic connection thing going on, do you?

Me and Frank? Nah, I don't think so. I mean, probably not... But then, it is a little strange the way our paths have crossed. Maybe I'll take off my jacket and wait a while, just in case...

meanwhile, at the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen... Come on, Gail, let me outta here! I'm so hungry I could eat your cooking.

Here's a couple of Slim Jims, Frank, but that's all you're getting until you find something worth releasing in your enormous archives.

If it was worth releasing I probably already would have released it when I was alive. Oh man... Look at all these tapes... Maybe I can hobble together a Lost Episodes, volume 2.

I heard that, Frank. I want something with conceptual continuity. Now get to work.

and up in Rock & Roll Heaven Purgatory Man, I sure do envy Frank, getting to walk among the living for most of December. I wonder how he managed to swing that deal.

I think it's like some kinda curse or something, Jimi. I was talkin to him one time and he told me that the modern day composer wasn't allowed to die.

That must be a new rule that didn't go into effect until after we were already here. Jeez, this place is boring. I'd pay a fortune right now for a cold beer.

Here you go, sir, one icy cold Miller Lite in a can. And there's no charge, Mr Morrison. Your money is no good here.

That's fortunate, because I wouldn't pay a nickel for this swill. Fucking Robert Novak... Jeez, this place is boring. I'd pay a fortune right now for a glass of Jack Daniels.

Here you go, honey. Grab yourself a big old swig off of my Southern Comfort.

Get outta here. That sweet shit makes me wanna puke. Fucking Janis Joplin... You know, I'd pay a fortune for...

Would you kindly just shut the hell up? All you old rock stars do is sit around pissing and moaning.

Who you calling an old rock star, punk? And as I recall, pissing and moaning seemed to have been a specialty of yours.

Heh heh, you just got flamed by the King, Kurt.

Excuse me, but will some tell me how it is that Joey Ramone is even technically qualified to be here in Rock and Roll Purgatory?

He is dead and he is here. Ergo, ipso facto.

Shut up and get me another beer, Novak. You know, that's one of the things that I like about Rock and Roll Purgatory. The quality might not be anything to write home about, but you can eat and drink all you want without getting fat.

Amen to that, brother. But I gotta say, I think that this place makes a pretty good cheeseburger.

But I don't want a cheeseburger. I just want a little time to walk the earth like Frank Zappa does.

You know, Kurt, things may not be the way that you're imagining them. I think Elvis had it right. It may be more of a curse. You ever notice how happy Frank always seems when he gets back here?

Yes indeed, Brother John. Whatcha think the story is with that?

Well, there's not really a lot of people that care about our music anymore. Oh sure, there's a lot of people who remember caring about it. A little nostalgia for the old folks, Frank called it.

John is right. My last record didn't sell shit even when I died. People wanted to hear the hits like 'Beat on the Brat' and 'I Want to be Sedated'.

I don't know what you're talking about, son, but it sure sounds like the truth to me. People be coming to my shows and yelling for 'Sex Machine', and I'm like, Damn! I'm 73 years old!

Yeah, and there's the whole family thing to deal with. If I were to return, I imagine Yoko would have me shut away trying to help her on some project or another, and I'll bet Courtney is the same way.

Dig it. It wouldn't surprise me a bit to find out that Frank's wife has him locked up in the studio going through that enormous archive of his. You guys wanna jam?

I... I think I'll have that cheeseburger now.

One cheeseburger, coming right up. Another beer, Mr Morrison?

Back at Joe's... Look at the time, will you? I've got to do 'Morning Joe' in the morning, Joe, so I guess I better get ready to go. How much do I owe, Joe?

Two coffees with Irish... That'll be twelve bucks, Mr Buchanan. Sorry that your friend didn't show up tonight.

My friend? I guess he's not really my friend... Just a man who changed my life. Merry Zappadan, Joe.

Interesting character, that Buchanan. I thought you knew him, Thedy Sue. You should have joined him for a holiday drink.

I've met him a couple times, Joe, but he seemed a little preoccupied tonight. Hey, you've got another customer that just walked in.

How you doing tonight, Mr Zappa? Your wife finally let you out of the house?

Sure did, Joe. I found some out-takes and backing tracks from '73 and '74 that she can try and sell as 'Over-Nite Apostrophe'. I tell you, Joe, this walking the earth stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I hear you, pal. So what can I fix you up with tonight, Mr Zappa?

I've just got enough time left for one of your world famous rib-eyes, Joe, extra bloody.

You got it, pal. On the house.