Zombie Woof (part 1)

The return of a holiday classic.

"The greatest Zappadan story ever told. Perhaps the only Zappadan
story every told..." - A.O. Scott, New York Times, December 2008

Part 1        Part 2        Part 3       Part 4

Welcome back to Hardball, I'm Chris Matthews. A lot of you are probably wondering what the heck is going on, since we never - and I mean never - open this show with a musical interlude. Well, let me begin by saying that here at Hardball, we are all pretty psyched about celebrating the Festival of Zappadan. We've got a couple special guests along with our usual panel of experts, and first up to join us is renowned author Anne Rice, who is here to talk to us about her new book. A very merry Zappadan, Anne, it's great to see you.

Merry Zappadan to you too, Chris. And let me say that it's good to hear you use the traditional holiday greeting instead of saying something generic like Happy Holidays.

Here at Hardball we try and remember the reason for the season, Anne. Frank Zappa came into this world of sin and gave us the very best licks he could play.

And so many wonderful songs, Chris, as well as his insights into loyal plastic robots...

...in a world that doesn't care. Right you are, Anne. Listen, I know this is a little unusual for Hardball, but I was wondering if you would like to sing a Zappadan carol with me.

Oh my... I'm no Roy Estrada, Chris, but I'm willing to give it my best. Let's do it.

It's the middle of the night, and your mommy and your daddy are sleeping It's the middle of the night, and your mommy and your daddy are sleeping Sleeping, mom and dad are sleeping Sleeping in a jar

Ha, huh! The jar is right there under your bed, Anne. So, I understand that you have a new book coming out that's a bit of a twist for you. Is that correct?

That's right, Chris. As you know, I used to have two main topics I wrote about - vampires and erotica. Then I rediscovered my religion, and have been writing about nothing but Jesus Christ and Spirituality, so my new book is really quite a change, and yet, in a way it isn't, you know what I mean?

Well, I do know the title is 'Zombie Woof' and I also know that the book addresses the Festival of Zappadan. I'm assuming that my viewers understand the meaning of Zappadan, but just in case, why don't you summarize it us for us.

Sure, Chris. It's quite a simple story. The celebration of Frank Zappa is based on the knowledge that although he died on December 4th, he was born on December 21st. So you can view Zappadan as both a celebration of the man, and as a way to keep evil spirits away during those eighteen long days where there is no Zappa.

Those are certainly eighteen frightening days, Anne, that's for sure. Right now, let's bring in our panelists, Margaret Carlson and Pat Buchanan. I know about Margaret, but how about you, Pat? The Buchanan family celebrates Zappadan, don't they?

Of course we do, Chris, don't be ridiculous. Just because I'm a conservative doesn't mean that I'm some sort of heathen. I may have disagreed with a lot of Frank Zappa's politics, but I certainly do credit him with hating hippies way back before it was the 'in' thing to do. I used to try to get Richard Nixon to listen to him, but you know, that man really had a serious stick up his ass.

He sure did, Pat, even more so than the current dullard-in-chief. You know, I just love the Zappadan season, but I've got to tell you this funny store about my son Tucker...

I think you've had one too many eggnogs, Margaret. Tucker Carlson is not your son.

Well, who's son do you think he is, Mr Know-it-all? And nobody drinks eggnog for Zappadan. So, as I was saying, my son Tucker has gotten Zappadan confused with Hanukah, and now he thinks that I'm supposed to give him presents for eighteen days in a row. I mean, the situation is ridiculous, particularly given the current economy.

Jesus, Margaret, why don't you just download him one song a day from iTunes or something? You could make one of Frank's albums last for the whole Festival of Zappadan and only be out a few bucks.

I'm with Pat on that one, Margaret. And just what the hell is Tucker Carlson doing asking you for Zappadan presents? That's insane.

It is not insane for my son to be living in my basement, Chris. Now, if you'll giver me a chance, I want to ask your guest a question. Ms. Rice, with all the hundreds of books on Zappadan currently in the marketplace, what, if anything, do you have to add to this wondrous story?

I am so glad that someone finally asked, Margaret. I have done a lot of research, and I believe that a very plausible case can be made that when Frank Zappa died on December 4th, he immediately rose again as one of the living dead. For those long eighteen days, Frank Zappa walked the earth as a zombie.

What! Chris, I have never before given a guest here on Hardball a thrashing, but I'm about to make an exception. Lady, you've gone too far!

to be continued...