Zombie Woof (part 2)

The return of a holiday classic.


"'Zombie Woof' is possibly as important to Zappadan as 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'
 is to that other holiday." - Tom Shales, Washington Post, December 2008

Part 1            Part 2       Part 3         Part 4

Put up your dukes, lady. I've lived too long and seen too much in my life to allow the name of Frank Zappa to be dragged into the mud by some two-bit porn writer who claims that the man once walked the earth as a zombie. Have you no sense of decency, madam, at long last?

Chris Matthews, I demand that you regain control of this show right this minute.

Simmer down, Pat, I don't want you having a stroke here on national television.

This isn't national television, you blithering idiot, this is basic cable. I used to be on national television, so I know whereof I speak. And I used to live in a country where it was unheard of to call an American icon one of the living dead.

I feel ill... I wish my son Tucker was here to make me a nice Tanqueray and tonic, with a small slice of lime. Really, I kind of like it when he rubs the lime around the entire circumference of the rim... Oh, dear...

Look, everybody, you're kind of losing the Zappadan spirit with all this rancor. Ms Rice is just expressing a theory, like the one in which she traced the ancestry of vampires back to ancient Egypt. And we all know how wrong that idea proved to be. So please chill out, and help me welcome our next guest, the enormously popular author and America's favorite preacher, Reverend Rick Warren. You've got a new book, too, don't you Reverend Warren?

Just call me Rick, Chris. Yes, I do have a new book coming out called 'The Purpose of Christmas'. But quite frankly...

Ha, huh! You said the secret word! Frankly! I feel like I should have a duck lowered down or something... Uh... You know, like on Groucho... See, Groucho used to... Uh, go ahead.

I was saying that Anne's book really does sound a lot more interesting than mine. Tell me the truth, Ms. Rice, is it truly your belief that Frank Zappa was one of the living dead?

I have a problem with the term living dead, Rick. I don't care much for oxymorons except when they're used in witty repartee. I do believe, however, that there is ample evidence that Zappa may well have spent those missing eighteen days as a zombie.

So let me get this straight, Anne. What you're saying is that Frank Zappa was out there roaming the streets of Los Angeles and eating brains. Is that correct?

Great Caesar's ghost, man, you act as though you don't know the first thing about zombies. They're not all running around in L.A. eating brains, and to assert so is a sign of ignorance.

Indeed it is. Many zombies don't eat human flesh at all, and if reports are to be believed, Zappa was one of those who abstained. Of course there is an almost insatiable need for protein, but as long as a zombie has sufficient funds, they can survive entirely on a diet of rib-eye steaks and pork chops.

This if freaking me out, Chris. I can't believe that I'm sitting here and listening to this crap from two supposedly educated people. What is this, the first volley in the war on Zappadan?

It's making me sick, it's just making me sick, it's crazy talk, it's crazy crazy crazy talk.

Don't listen to those two, you guys. Talk about crazy, Margaret thinks that Tucker Carlson is her son, and Pat used to think he was going to be the president.

That was a long time ago, Chris, so why don't you just leave it alone. Okay, let me ask this. What sort of proof could Anne Rice possibly have that supports her ridiculous story?

A lot of people saw Frank Zappa, Patrick, including a large number that claimed to see him walk into the Lamar Music Center on Ventura Boulevard and buy three staff books and a trombone.

That's crazy crazy crazy. Why on earth would Frank Zappa buy a trombone?

Because, Margaret, when you're dead you lose a lot of the dexterity in your fingers. The man was obviously trying to find himself a new axe. In fact, on December 6th, still reeling from his untimely demise, Frank showed up at the Mudd Club and attempted to jam with the band. I've got a photo with me. You can see from it that he was barely able to hold onto his guitar.

It was a sad and tragic night. It did not help that Frank's muddled thinking had led him to crash a show by the semi-talented grunge band Screaming Trees, who ridiculed Zappa by calling him 'a dinosaur' and a 'dead rock star'. Crushed and confused, he escaped to the comfort of his studio, the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen,  where he would never again play guitar, at least until December 21st.

Wow. Anne has added a real note of pathos to what should rightfully be a season of tiny lights. Let me turn back to Reverend Warren for a moment with this question. Reverend, would it be fair to conclude that Jesus was also a Zombie?

Oh, lord...

You know, Chris, I believe that you are the first person who has ever presented me with that particular query. I'm a bit taken aback...

It's a fair question. By definition, a zombie is someone that dies and then returns to walk among the living. Just like Jesus. And Frank Zappa.

Yes, yes, and you've already addressed the issue of brain eating, which surely would have made a disturbing appearance in the scriptures were it to be true. So... I don't know, this is a new thought for me, but... I guess... At least definitionally,  it is quite possible to assert that Jesus Christ was indeed a zombie.

I am so out of here. You clowns have totally ruined Zappadan for me. Matthews, go find yourself another monkey.

I would leave, too, but my son Tucker is picking me up after the show.

You know, I was always troubled by the fact that after Jesus arose from the dead, he really didn't do anything very interesting in the time he remained on Earth...

Neither did Frank! Did you know that they've been going through his library for fifteen years now, and they haven't found a single thing of interest written or recorded between December 4th and the 21st? Just a few minutes of incoherent trombone noises, sliding up and sliding down, and the scores are mostly jagged lines with a few ink blots.

It is all starting to make a certain sort of sense... this is stunning. I think that perhaps we are at the dawning of a new understanding of...

AIYEEEE!    CRASH! BOOM! BANG!

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, Pat Buchanan is trashing the studio. Pat! You're not going to be able to burn down 30 Rock with your stupid Zippo... I'm afraid we're going to have to take a short commercial break, folks. Sorry.

to be continued on Monday