Thursday, December 17, 2009

Zombie Woof (Finale)

The return of a holiday classic.

"Three and a half stars. Our lawyers will be in touch."
- Gail Zappa, Zappa Family Trust, December 2009

Help me, Joe, help me! I'm being assaulted and peppered!
How's that for help, pal? Sorry to pop you one, but you were startin' to scare off my other customers.
Really, Pat... It's no wonder that I haven't seen you again in the past fifteen years... This is the same way you were acting last time we met.
No, wait... I just realized... What happened back in '93, it wasn't a dream... it really happened. Frank Zappa was here that night! And he, uh... gosh, not only are you guys back in color, you look... I guess older is the word I'm looking for...
No shit, Sherlock. It happens to all of us. When was the last time you looked in a mirror?
Frank! You've returned! This truly is a Zappadan miracle! I wanted to thank you. You know, all those years ago, you saved my life! Not only did you not eat my brain, you gave me a reason to live by not telling me how the '96 election would turn out.
Oh yeah... the one where you got beaten like a redheaded stepchild. By Bobby Dole. Bwahahaha.
That's true, I did get beat, but I didn't receive nearly as big of a whipping as Dole got from Clinton. And at least I never had to peddle Viagra to make a buck.
And you have become the most lovable cranky old conservative coot in a world full of hardcore dittoheads...

Frank, I thought he was a man, but he was a curmudgeon.
Not half bad, Thedy Sue. The other half, however, leaves a lot to be desired. Hey Pat, I've got a birthday to celebrate, but before I leave, there's something I want you to hear... Remember me telling you that I'd master the trombone before you ever saw political office? Well, check out this piece I wrote...

Wow! That was one hot trombone composition, Frank. Not being a huge fan of the trombone, I never thought that I'd... Frank? Frank? Hey, where did Zappa go to?
Into the night, Pat, into the night. Which is where you should be heading if you want to make it back for the exciting conclusion of 'Hardball with Chris Mathews'.

Wait, Pat, let me give you my number...
With only moments remaining in the show...

That was an amazing story, Pat. It's hard for me to believe that all these things happened in the forty minutes since you walked out, but I guess this truly is the season for miracles.
It really is, Chris. You should hear what Zappa is writing for the trombone these days. Phenomenal. And it's my understanding that once he was able to master the trombone, I would be able to run for president again. Sarah Palin, get back in line.
Huh. How about that? Well, we're just about out of time here at Hardball, so from all of us, I'd like to wish everyone a...
Wait... I've got special Zappadan gifts for everyone except Anne Rice. Reverend Warren, I bring you the news that since Jesus didn't rise for three days, he doesn't technically qualify as a zombie.
Well, thank you Pat, that's some real glad tidings you've brought me. I can't say that my faith was shaken by the possibility, but I must say that I didn't care a lot for the though of it.
Chris Matthews, I bring you the news that you will indeed run for Arlen Specter's senate seat some day, and I vow to support you even if you don't run as a Republican.
Ha, huh! One could say that this year's Zappadan brings with it a mixed bag of blessings.
And Margaret Carlson, for Zappadan, I bring you your beloved son, Tucker.


Tucky! Oh my, this is the best Zappadan ever!

Amen to that, Margaret. But hopefully we'll be back next year with one that's bigger and better than ever.


  1. Margaret Carlson occasionally rides my bus...perhaps I should print this out and hand it to her...hmmmm...

  2. "Frank, I thought he was a man, but he was a curmudgeon."

    By the way, for the record: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

  3. Brady, tell her I think she's geekily cute. Yeah, I know that sounds strange, but no more so than saying the same thing about Sarah Palin.

  4. No, not at all. Margaret is a babe.