Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Young Guns

"That's all you got? That's all you got? Pretty wimpy handshake you got there, fella. Not much of tough guy, are you? I'm a tough guy, yeah, yeah I am. I grew up on the streets of Richmond where you gotta be tough if you're a Jew. I take no quarter, and I can take you, whether it's on the b-ball court or the court of public opinion. Mano a mano? You bet I'll go mano a mano, and when the smoke clears... Oh, hi John. I was just rehearsing for my 'Young Guns' book tour... Thank you, Earl, you can take off the mask now. Good workout."

"Right, right, that's uh... Actually, that's what I was dropping by to talk to you about. I was reading your book just last night..."

"What? 'Young Guns'? You were reading 'Young Guns' last night? You can't do that, Boehner. I'll have you up in front of the ethics committee. 'Young guns' doesn't even come out for another two weeks."

"It's okay, Eric, I called the promo department at Simon and Schuster and they sent me over a copy..."

"Why? You gonna review it? The only advance copies they're supposed to be sending out are review copies."

"Well, I think they sent it out of courtesy, out of deference to my position as House Minority Leader..."

"For the moment."

"Huh? Oh, sure, for the moment. And then after November I'll be Speaker of the House and..."

"If no one challenges you."

"That's, uh, that's technically true, but I don't know of anybody that plans to challenge me, do you? If you hear anything on that, I sure would appreciate a heads up. Anyway, about the book..."

"Brilliant, isn't it?"

"It's, uh, it's very well done, Eric, but you know, I couldn't help but notice that my name only came up three times in the book..."


"So, I appreciate the mentions, but they are rather slight, don't you think? 'Boehner was at the meeting with me', 'Boehner appointed me to run the Platform Committee', 'Boehner was also at the White House briefing'. As I said, rather slight."

"That's three more mentions than Mike Pence got."

"True, but I might point out that Mike Pence is only a Conference Chairman, while I'm the Minority Leader."

"For the moment."

"Yes, yes, you said that before, and believe me, I am well aware of the awesome responsibility that awaits me as Speaker. I'm just saying that your book hardly captures the breadth and depth of my experience in the House."

"Nor was it intended to. Let me make something clear, Boehner. This book is about the new faces in the House, the movers and shakers, the young guns, if you will. And. You. Are. Not. A. Young. Gun."

"Granted, I'm a bit older than you. Fourteen years, as a matter of fact, and I'd like to think..."

"Fourteen years is a loooong time in politics, old man."

"That's, uh, pretty cold, considering that I've basically been your mentor, and all..."

"Uh huh, uh huh. Well, I guess you did a pretty damn good job of it, gramps. Anything else?"

"No, I... guess not... Oh. I did want to point out one thing, though... Right here... I guess these are the publishers notes, it starts out 'These Young Guns of the House GOP--Cantor (the leader)'..."

"Go on."

"That's all, I just wanted to point out the mistake. I'm just saying that I'm the Minority Leader and you're the Whip."

"For the moment."

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