royal wedding

"Sweetheart! What in the world is wrong?" "Boo hoo hoo hoo...That skanky scrubber has buggered up me wedding!"   "Uh...What?"   "Wuh huh huh huh... I said that bleeding bumsucker has slashed on me nuptials."    "Get a grip, Brenda. I know you're upset but get hold of yourself and try to speak English."   "Sod off, you knob head! I am speaking bloody English."   "You're not British, Brenda. Remember?"   "Wuh huh huh... Huh? Oh my gosh, I forgot. What with all the people and all the excitement, I appear to have taken momentary leave of my senses... Nevertheless, there remains the fact that Kate Middleton has totally ruined my wedding. I suppose I shall evermore look back on this not as a bright day of joy but as a dark day of sorrow."   "A very expensive day of sorrow, just as an aside. How exactly has Kate Middleton ruined your wedding?"   "In every manner possible. Do you think it was my idea to have the ceremony at 6:00 in the morning? No, it was not. It was Kate Middleton's."   "True, Brenda, however there is a large time difference between here and London..."   "Hardly my fault! And I must say that it was insufferably rude for your sister to fall asleep during the ceremony."   "In her defense, she wasn't the only one who drifted off..."   "Yes, isn't it horrible? I spend six months planning this wedding and then to have people come and behave in such a deplorable manner.. Did you see all of the people who were looking at Kate Middleton instead of me?"   "Well, I can't say that I'm totally surprised, Brenda. You know I was opposed to having all of these television monitors here from the beginning..."   "You are so hopelessly naive, Peter. Everybody loves TV. But that doesn't give them an excuse to act so rudely. You could tell that some of them were just glued to Kate."   "I guess a lot of that could have been avoided just by having the TVs tuned to a different channel..."   "And miss the wedding of the century? Are you insane?"   "Getting there."   "You know what the worst part was? The very worst part was when the royal carriage stopped and... sniff... Kate Middleton got out and she was dressed exactly like me."   "Brenda, she was not dressed exactly like you." "She was wearing white wasn't she?"   "Yes, I suppose she was..."   "My point exactly!"   "Come on, Brenda, let's go join the guests for tea and crumpets."

Abdullah reforms

...I'm King Abdullah, There's no on cooler All the fly girls say I'm a damn fine ruler   Hit me... uh huh... break it down... here we go...   Our main lady's Noor, that's right I said it Call the queen a whore you gonna find yourself beheaded Said I'm King Abdullah, You know I wouldn't fool ya When you see my crib you know your gonna shout booyah!   Hit me.. uh...   "Your Majesty, Your Majesty, a thousand pardons, but there is a most important phone call for you..."   "Would you please take a message, Sahid, I am right in the middle of band practice."   "President Mubarak is on the line. He says that it is most urgent."   "It always is with that man these days... Very well. Take five, guys... Abdullah here... Uh huh... Uh huh... Well, thank you very much for your sympathy, Hosni, but all I did was fire the cabinet and promise a new one. It is not like they have all that much power to begin with. After all, I am a king, not a dictator... Uh huh... Yes, I realize that you are the president, but a president can be a dictator as well... Uh huh... That's very true, a king can also be a dictator, and indeed, it is more in keeping with the job description, but all in all I am a pretty benevolent potentate..."   "Oh, that was easy. I got my people to calm down by promising reform. As you know, I fired the cabinet and named Maruf Bakhit as Prime Minister. He is perfectly capable of forming the new cabinet, that is a level of bureaucracy that I do not need to get into... uh huh... I know you did the same thing, Hosni, but have you ever heard the phrase 'too little too late'? No? Well... uh huh... I am quite sure that they did have some serviceable advice, but your military does seem to be more simpatico with the people than with you, don't you think? uh huh... No need to blaspheme, Hosni...   "Anyway, last week when I smelled trouble brewing, I went around talking to the people... You know, the people, trade unionists, Islamists, students, whatever, you should try is some time. Or should have tried it. Probably too late now... There's that mouth again... I even took a day and talked to the people in the poor parts of Jordan... I know that your poor people smell, Hosni, that's because they can't even afford soap. My poor are a little better off. So I asked everyone what I needed to reform, and I have a long list and I will see what I can do... uh huh... I suppose that it is not so crazy if it works."   "Oh, here is the big news... While I was considering all these other reforms, I decided to reform the band... You never heard my band The Amman Five? We were quite good at one time. Of course that was before I became king, but I thought the people would get a kick out of it... No, no oldies, all modern music. We were just practicing a hip hop song, kind of 962 Street style... Hip hop? It is a little hard to explain if you have not heard it. Are you familiar with rap?... No, rap music. It is very popular throughout the Middle East. Honestly, Hosni, you should listen to the Arab Street..."   "Listen, everybody is waiting on me... No, I do not have any good advice for you. Just take care of yourself and try to stay safe. And feel free to give me a call if your situation settles down... Well, if it does come down to that, it has been a real pleasure knowing you. Take care... uh huh, bye bye."   "Sahid, if Mubarak calls back, would you tell him that I am on tour in Syria?"

Royals in distress

"Oh my God, Charles, the peasants are revolting!"   "Yes, they certainly are, Camilla. Of course it's no coincidence that they're referred to as peasants. My mother always used to say that you could take a scrubber out of the streets, but you couldn't take the streets out of the..."   "They are in the streets, Charles! I believe they're attempting to halt our automobile!"   "Not much of a chance of that occurring. The Rolls Royce Phantom VI is one of the most powerful automobiles in the world. Do you know how many horsepower this..."   "Heavens! They're right outside our window making lewd gestures and yelling... Well, I can't be completely sure what it is that they're yelling."   "Oh, the usual, Camilla, 'Off with their heads'. That's so cliché. I believe I hear a few shouting 'bugger the Queen', and... Oh, that was so rude. I shan't tell you what they're yelling about you. Completely disrespectful."   "Why on earth are these young people behaving in such a disgraceful manner?"   "Personal grievances, Camilla. Parliament just announced a plan to triple university fees, and they're probably upset over the possibility that they may have to drop out of school and join the work force. Not that the work force really has any more room for someone without a proper education, but the fact is..."   "Bloody hell, they're gobbing on our windows. Why isn't our security stopping these ruffians?"   "Mmm, it looks to me as though they've got their hands full fighting back the rabble... You know, perhaps it wasn't a good idea for us to take the Rolls out through this part of town tonight."   "Don't be a twit, Charles. What's the point of owning a nice car like this if you're not going to use it?"   "Valid point, Camilla, although I could have done without the twit reference. After all, I was kind enough to spare you from hearing about the shouts of horse-faced minger that were directed towards you."   "That was very gentlemanly of you, Charles. I would have been quite shocked to hear such a thing."   "I know that I was disturbed by it, which is why I chose to keep it to myself. I think that... Damn. Was that paint? Camilla, they just threw white paint on the Rolls."   "White? Oh my God, that's going to look completely dreadful! Let's go home, Charles. I find that I've suddenly lost my appetite for going out tonight."   "Just as well. They're trying to roll us over anyway."

the unity government begins

"Well, here we are Mister Clegg." "Yes, here we are Mister Cameron, 10 Downing Street, one of the most famous addresses in all of merry olde England." "Right up there with Buckingham Palace. Give the cameras one last wave of unity, if you don't mind, Mister Clegg." "Indeed I will, Mister Cameron, my special Sarah Palin wave, although I doubt the press will get the humor of it all." "No, the press never does, do they? Still, I think it's a hoot. You know, Mister Clegg, it's a good thing that you're left handed and I'm right handed. It give us a nice symmetrical look when we wave to the cameras." "Very aesthetically pleasing, Mister Cameron, although I suppose it means that I'll always have to stand to your left." "An amusing observation, Mister Clegg, and politically spot on. Although another way of looking at it is that I'll always have to stand to your right. At any rate, we're quite balanced." "The very picture of unity, Mister Cameron, and I suppose unity is the name of the game at this point, if you know what I mean." "So sayeth the Queen. Let's go inside and have a drink, Mister Clegg, I'm tired of all this bloody waving." "I'll gladly second that motion, Mister Cameron, my waving arm is dying for a rest." "10 Downing Street... You know, Mister Clegg, I really never dreamed that one day I would actually live here." "Neither did I, Mister Cameron, although I suppose that it is plenty big enough for the both of us. Bit of an odd demand from the Queen, don't you think?" "Well, I understand her premise, Mister Clegg, it's part of the whole unity concept. I'm afraid the old girl has gotten a bit fixated on that as of late." "I'd say more than a bit, Mister Cameron, what with telling us to wear matching suits and all that." "Still, Mister Clegg, you must admit that it was generous of her majesty to say that we could select our own neckties." "As long as they were solid colors and nothing too garish. Come on, Mister Cameron, let's check out our new flat. I have an overpowering craving for a tumbler of Glenfiddich single malt." "Oh, so you're a Glenfiddich single malt drinker as well, Mister Clegg? Splendid."

Princess Madeline available again

From the Swedish Royal Court comes the very sad news that Princess Madeleine Thérèse Amelie Josephine Gustaf has broken off her engagement to Jonas Bergstrom, an event that has all of Stockholm atwitter. The fabulously wealthy Princess Madeline is third in line to the Swedish throne, while Bergstrom is nobody really. The Royal Court would not comment on the cause of the breakup, saying only that the couple had decide that the best for them is to go their separate ways. Princess Madeline, however was not so reluctant to speak. "Best for us to go our separate ways? That's a bit of an understatement, I'd say. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking about with that boy. Like I was talking to my best friend Debbie, and she say 'you're too young to settle down, Princess, young and beautiful and fabulously wealthy. We should cruise to America and follow Springsteen around'. And I said 'Debbie, I don't even like Springsteen, you're the one who likes Springsteen'. But the other stuff I totally agree with." "I know my father is really happy about this. He was worried about me marrying below my station, which would have been a real embarrassment if I ever became Queen. Fat chance of that ever happening unless my brother and sister end up killing each other, but I know where Daddy is coming from. I'm a beautiful young princess, the Dutchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland, and Jonas is just a lawyer. An associate lawyer. I don't even know what that is, but I think it involves a lot of television, because all he ever wants to talk about is what happened on 'Judge Judy' or what happened on 'Divorce Court'. And I totally do not care." "But I guess the final straw was my birthday. Jonas gave me this enormous hat - you can't take your eyes off of it, can you - and he kept nagging me to wear it. So I finally did one night, and walked into the bedroom to surprise him, and wouldn't you know, I catch him trying on my tiara. I've warned him a million times not to fool with my stuff." "So anyway, I guess that it's the end of the line with Jonas, but I'm not particularly upset. Someday my prince will come, and daddy really would prefer to see me marry royalty."