Friday, October 9, 2009

John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (Finale)

part 1 .... part 2 .... part 3 ... part 4 ... part 5 ... part 6
I've been excited, Rob, I can assure you. I've been on pins and needles all week long. I suppose I should be delighted that my Weird Tales still have a certain amount of resonance with the American people. Who otherwise seem intent on rejecting me, I might add, at least in the lands where the cactus doesn't grow.
I know what you mean, man. Sometimes I find me asking myself 'Why was I even born?' I mean, I know all about the carnal lust thing, so don't even go there.
I won't go there, Rob. Quite frankly, age has debited me a step or two. And yet, I still find that there are things I can look forward to, like tonight's exciting conclusion of 'The Convergence'.


You know, I didn't go to Woodstock. I was tied up at the time. Heh heh.

Heh heh.

I didn't really want to go to BeckStock, either. To tell the truth, Rob, if you didn't have video footage of my attendance, I would likely deny that I was ever there.
These are significant life experiences, brother. And by way of introduction to tonight's episode, I must say that it was quite a remarkable day. Beck had been plugging it non-stop...
...a lot of folks have asked me about the red, Blobby rash I've had all week, but my doctor has assured me that what I have is just an outbreak of the hives brought on by my excitement over the BeckStock festival. You know, the thing that's stressing me out right now is just wondering if the Washington Metro can possibly handle the ten million people expected to attend.
It seems to me, Rob, that you're kind of telegraphing the ending here... From what you're showing, I guess I wouldn't be at all surprised if Glenn Beck turned into The Blob and consumed a Metro train..
What, are you saying that wouldn't be weird, huh? It'd be pretty damn weird, and this show is called Rob Zombie's Weird Tales after all.
It's John McCain's Weird Tales, Zombie. And now, without further ado, let's join Beck and the gang on the day of the big BeckStock festival.

...and it's shaping up to be a wild day here in the nation's Capitol. Thousands of followers of Glenn Beck are thronging to the National Mall in Washington for BeckStock, a day filled with music and political speeches, but not everyone is having a good time. TeaBaggers are expressing anger over the fact that their favorite acts are performing too early in the festival, claiming that Beck is showing a clear prejudice for bands favored by Birthers, Truthers, and in particular, New World Orderers, a group the TeaBaggers have long viewed suspiciously. Lets take a look.
This is completely bogus. I got here at ten-thirty, and Toby Keith was already half way through his set. And then they brought on Modern English. What a load of crap. I mean, I can understand why Rob Zombie is the headliner over Sarah Palin, but they're giving the Foo Fighters a better slot than Ted Nugent. Just totally bogus.
That's not the only news from Washington. Earlier today, a gigantic gelatinous red blob engulfed an entire Metro train containing many concert goers. DC police have not yet released any information about the creature or substance or whatever the thing may, but it is expected to be easy to find as it is reportedly quite enormous. Okay, as we head to the top of the hour, let's take another look at the BeckStock Festival, where Crosby, Stills, Nash and Ralph Nader have taken the stage.
By the time we got to BeckStock
We were a good ten million strong
And the cry rose up from the throng
For emancipation
Parachutes ours, they're not golden
The man is messing with my withholding

And we've got to get ourselves
Back in a Vollll-Vo

...meanwhile, back stage...
Glenn, Glenn, it's going great! There must be even more than ten million people out there! And the crowd is great, they're booing everything!
Don't look at me, Michelle. I've turned into a... a... I don't have the word for it on the tip of my tongue, but I'm not looking my best. I don't even want to get on stage.
You've got to, Glenn, you've got to introduce Sarah Palin. And the great Rob Zombie. And wave to the crowd. They're all here to see you.
I think we both know that they're all here to see Rob Zombie, Michelle. Nevertheless, I would feel quite awkward greeting the people like this.
Wait! I have an idea! I have a bottle of Olay Definity Deep Penetrating Foaming Moisturizer right here in my purse. It's Glucosamine Complex goes beyond ordinary lines and wrinkles to fight discoloration, blobiness, red spots and wrinkles! The result is a look that is highly defined, luminous and flawless! You'll be good as new in no time!
I have a hard time believing that all those benefits can be packed into such a tiny bottle, Michelle. What if it doesn't work?
Hold on... I've got a Dugan bag in my purse! He autographed it for me when he drew our poster. I think it might even fit over your head, Glenn. Listen, I'll be right back as soon as I can find Newt Gingrich. He promised he would introduce the Foo Fighters.
We're back with our continuing FOX News coverage of BeckStock, and the big story of the moment is the size of the crowd. We've got perhaps as many as three hundred thousand in attendance, but most FOX News analysts predicted a gathering of at least ten million patriots. Let's ask Brit Hume what the heck is going on. Is this due to Blob paranoia, Brit?
That would certainly be my take on it, Betsy. FOX News analysts tend to be uncannily accurate with their predictions, so I would say that Blob paranoia is a major factor in the low turnout.
As you know, we've been reporting that the verifiable Blob death toll is actually quite low, Brit. Reports say that there were less than 2000 passengers on the Metro train that was consumed.
If in fact it was consumed, Betsy, and not actually part of a government plot to scare people away from BeckStock, much like the unverified trail of dead slimy bodies leading straight towards the Capitol Mall. Our FOX News sources have told us that certain Obama officials have admitted believing that if they could keep attendance at BeckStock at under a million, it would be seen within the administration as a huge psychological victory.
Well, that's just despicable, Brit. But for those of you too frightened to attend, FOX News is proud to be here bringing you all day live coverage. Right now, Virginia Congressman Bob Goodlatte is on the stage, getting ready to introduce Hank Williams Jr.

Yeah, give it up people! My Chemical Romance, weren't they great? And they say conservatives don't know how to party... Right now I want to introduce you to a man who hates Czars almost as much as I do... a man, who much like me, wants to see Obama's fake birth certificate... a man who'll be glad to attend your tea party as long as you've got a little whiskey for his cup... a man, who just like me, can't figure out why the New World Orderers were invited to this party... He's a Gunner, a Deather, a Truther, and he's seen his share of UFOs - ladies and gentlemen, Hank Williams Jr!

All right, everybody! Are you ready for some freedom?

...returning back stage...

Glenn, Glenn, Sarah Palin is here! She insisted on barging right in!
Sarah Palin... Oh boy, what an honor to finally meet you. Please, uh, pardon my appearance. They're uh... still working on my makeup.
Hiya, Beck. Gosh, don't you look sporty? But enough of the small talk... Listen, I wanted to give you the courtesy of saying that I'm not setting foot on stage unless you make some changes. I just found out that Rob Zombie is the headliner and that you want me to introduce him. Huh-uh, not going to happen.
What? But, but... you're supposed to go on next, right after the Foo Fighters finish their set.
Look at my face. Do I look serious? Is this a serious face? I will be the headliner or I will walk. I want to give a speech about Down Syndrome and I want Rob Zombie to introduce me.
But Rob Zombie is the biggest star in the world! You must be crazy! He can't be upstaged by a mere politician!
And besides, and I mean this with all due respect, nobody wants to hear you prattle on about Down Syndrome when they could be rocking out to 'More Human Than Human'.
Fine. Toodles.
Wait! Michelle, go find Zombie. See if you can work something out.
...on the Mall, the festival is in full gear...
I can feel us moving backwards, folks, backwards in time, back to the days when I was two heartbeats away from the presidency, back to the days when Ronald Reagan was a living giant. Those days are back, my friends, and Barack Obama can't frighten us by sending his goons in to try and scare us with the specter of a giant Blob heading our way, consuming everything in it's path. No, we shall fear no evil, not as long as we have the fabulous Foo Fighters!
Greetings, BeckStock Nation! Here's a little number we learned just for today's celebration. It's called 'This Land is My Land'.
This land is my land, this land is my land
This land ain't Russia, this land ain't Thailand
Don't mess with my land, I'll cut your eye man
Keep your fuckin' hands off of my land

Mr. Zombie, Mr Zombie! Oh, thank God I found you! I've got female problems!
No, not me! It's Sarah Palin - that prima donna is refusing to go on until after you've already played! Beck told her that...
She's gonna be waiting a long time, then. I'm not here to perform, I'm here to film the BeckStock documentary.
What? You've got to play, Mr Zombie! You're the headliner for the festival!

Read the contract, bitch.

...back stage, Beck and Palin wait...

You've got to understand, Ms Palin, that Rob Zombie transcends mere entertainment...

Take that bag off and talk to me like a man.

Try not to be too horrified. I've been afflicted with... Whoa, look! My skin is clearing right up. That Olay Definity Deep Penetrating Foaming Moisturizer is a bonafide miracle.

You still look a little Blobby to me. Here... try some of my moose balm.
Glenn, Glenn, I've got terrible news! I just talked to... Hey, your skin has totally cleared up... Anyway, Rob Zombie is refusing to play! But I took care of it! I remembered that we had Kanye West in reserve! And he's so humble now that he's going to let Sarah Palin have the top slot!


Kanye West? I'm walking...

That was a little bit disrespectful, man... You know what? I'm better than that Zombie dude anyways.
And I am better than that Palin dude, Kanye. Come on troops, let's hit that stage - we've got a show to put on!
Howdy-doooo, BeckStock Nation! I've got some exciting changes to announce in the lineup. Instead of Sarah Palin, I'm going to be performing my Common Sense Comedy Show.

Something's wrong, Glenn! No one's booing!

And instead of Rob Zombie, we've got the fabulous multi-talented Kanye West!


Now c'mon, man, that was definitely disrespectful.

Wahhhhh!!! Oh my god, look behind you!
I... I... I... Oh lord, I know this is crazy, but it's almost as if that thing were trying to tell us something... It is! It is! I can see it all clearly now!

I can't believe it.

Yeah... Pretty awesome special effects, huh?
You completely took over my show for the sole purpose of promoting some crappy remake of yours that won't even be out for another year.
Well, you really need to plan months ahead of time in order to create sufficient buzz.
I can't believe I trusted you as a director. This has to be the most deeply cynical and manipulative thing I've ever seen in my life.
Oh yeah? Even more cynical and manipulative than you choosing little Miss Wasilla as your 2008 running mate?
My friend, we are talking about two totally different things. You simply cannot compare politics and show business.

Uh huh.
Not that I'm seriously thinking about it, but if I were to run again in 2012, would you consider sharing the ticket with me?

Top or bottom?

The End?

Special thanks to Dugan/Zen Comix

1 comment:

  1. Mark, the money's in TV, cuz let's face it, Americans are too lazy to read. Lets' put a package together and try to sell the idea to The Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.