Gingrich Child Enablement Law Catches Fire

Little Timmy has been called a lot of things in his short life, but an ingrate isn't one of them. That's why every time he fills up another crate of turnips, beans or pumpkinellos, he says thank you to the man he thinks of as Uncle Newt. Often, when the Master Picker is grumpy, Timmy says these words to himself, but on other happy days he dares to speak them right out loud.   You see, for Little Timmy picking isn't just a job, it's a shiny new nickel. And not just a nickel per day, mind you, a nickel for each crate of produce that he fills [Offer void on watermelons].   In truth, Little Timmy will never grow rich off his picking skills (not even when he graduates to Junior Picker Class C) and neither will his mother, although she no doubt appreciates the assistance that her little man provides. The important thing, however, is the experience that he's gaining. By the time other children his age are preparing to enter junior high, Little Timmy will already have something that they may never acquire - a career. And Newt Gingrich is the man who made that possible.   Newt had an idea. It was not a grand proposal like so many he had pitched in the past, no, it was a rather small idea in Newtonian terms, a plan that would have only helped a few children who were lucky enough to be impoverished in urban schools with unionized maintenance staffs. But from tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow, and the utility of Newt's idea grew like that mighty oak only a heck of a lot quicker. There are so many problems that little laborers can ameliorate!   Currently, Little Timmy is well on his way to replacing the sort of illegal migrant workers who like nothing better than to take the sort of jobs Americans don't want anymore because they have adopted the irrational belief that something better is bound to come along. Little Timmy does not share this illusion, because let's face it, he's already been picking for a long time, and has never participated in the educational system or had an opportunity to socialize with his peers (although these can hardly be called disadvantages to a lad fortunate to have Master Picker as his destiny!)   "Thank you, Uncle Newt," Little Timmy says upon filling his twelfth crate of pumpkinellos. He checks the position of the sun in the sky and smiles broadly, for he knows that it's time now for a smoke break.

January 21, 2013

RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG... "Oh good lord... What time is it?  Three o'clock in the morning... Can't the forty-fifth president of the United States get a little shut-eye around here? Hello."   "Hello. Am I speaking to Herman Cain?"   "That's President Herman Cain to you. And that is who you were calling, isn't it? What the hell do you want?"   "I would like to order two large pizzas, slathered in your manliest of meats."   "And I would like to get a good night's sleep. How'd you get this number? Obama give it to you?"   "Sorry. Just a little levity, Mister President. Good morning. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prime Minister Shavkat Mirziyoyev of Uzbekistan."   "Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan? I don't even know what the hell that is."   "We are a small but proud landlocked republic in Central Asia."   "Well, bully for you. What do you want me to do about it?"   "Not a thing. I wonder if I could have a minute of your time."   "Yeah, I guess, since you already woke me up. I suppose that you're calling to congratulate me."   "Oh. Sure. Congratulations... I apologize for waking you. I did not think that you would be answering your own phone."   "I haven't had time to hire anyone to do it for me yet. Herman Cain personally hires everyone that works for him in order to maintain quality assurance."   "A wise policy, I'm sure."   "You bet it is. Now if you're all done congratulating me, I need to get back to sleep. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'm interviewing candidates for White House chef."   "Please, one moment. I was wondering, do you think you would be able to locate Uzbekistan on a map?"   "I assure you that I would not. Can you?"   "Yes I can. But you would be unable to find it?"   "There would be no reason for me to do so. I will have experts surrounding me that can do that for me. As soon as I hire them."   "That's very good. Well, the reason I called was to tell you that at this very moment, the mighty Uzbekistan military is on the move."   "That's a good one, the mighty Uzbekistan military. It can't be all that mighty if I've never heard of it. You don't have a navy, do you? What with being landlocked and all."   "No, no navy, but we have quite a good air force which we are currently putting to punishing use."   "Oh, really? You attacking someone?"   "Indeed we are. It is our intent to conquer Kyrgyzstan to our east, and if all goes well we will push on into Tajikistan... Do you intend to oppose our mission?"   "As long as you're keeping it in the Whateverstans, I really do not care. The United States of America has bigger fish to fry."   "What fish would those be?"   "A little country you might have heard of called Iran. Not to mention an out of control tax code."   "Oh. Well, good luck with that." "Luck should have nothing to do with it when you surround yourself with the right people."   "Which I assume you have."   "Not yet, but then I've only been president since about noon yesterday. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to catch a little shut-eye before my busy day tomorrow. Goodnight, Mister uh..."   "Shavkat Mirziyoyev. But don't worry about the name. I'll reintroduce myself if you ever make it to my country."   "I don't visit countries I can't pronounce, so there's not much chance of that. Goodnight."

no wonder Herman Cain is confused

Sometimes it's quite apparent that Wikipedia has been hacked
but not clear at all as to why...

(Uzbekistan page 11/16/11)

message from X

Was that the voice of God? No, it was just the new CNN poll, confirming that Rick Perry is firmly ensconced in fourth place with 12% of the vote. Heaven knows it couldn't have been the new PPP poll that confirms that Rick Perry is firmly ensconced in fourth place with 6% of the vote. That's only half of 12 and 12 is not even half of what it would take to salvage Anita Perry's dream of one day redecorating the Blue Room. God must be messing with old Rick again. He's like that, you know.   The Rick Perry super PAC 'Make Us Great Again' is out with an exciting new radio ad featuring endorsements from two great religious figures - James Dobson, founder of the fundamentalist 'Focus on the Family', and Rush Limbaugh, demi-god of right-wing talk radio. Never mind what they specifically say, you can sum up those sugar plums in your  imagination and fret not a whit about getting it wrong.   Which provides a perfect segue for me to call your attention to a striking piece by Thomas B. Edsall in the Atlantic titled 'Is God Really Telling Rick Perry to Run for President?' What makes it striking is the willingness to assume that Perry is correct in his assertion of celestial supervision, but is tragically inept when it comes to divine interpretation. It makes sense that a man who has trouble with conversational English is also going to have a fair amount of difficulty with Hebrew.   If you're the type to look for transcendental explanations for earthly events, it would be easy to imagine that God has been messaging his thumbs off trying to reach Perry. For example, take a look at this astonishing map.     Can you find Texas on the map? (Hint - it's the part that looks like it's been burnt to a cinder, which is pretty much what happened while Perry prayed for career advice). The regional drought had already been so devastating that Perry issued a gubernatorial proclamation that April 22-24 would officially be 'Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas'. No dice, no rain, and no relief from the record heat and fires that followed for the next four months.   The plague of drought can be brutal and deeply injurious, and the plague of fire consumes both the innocent and the guilty without discretion, but I gotta tell you, the plague of the Nylanderia pubens can push even a patient man to the edge of sanity.     Hordes of Nylanderia pubens (AKA 'Caribbean crazy ants' AKA 'hairy crazy ants') have invaded Texas in unspeakable numbers. They have transformed a state that had become a hellhole into a hellhole swarming with flea sized demons who like nothing better than to bite a Texan where it hurts (which is everywhere). And they're practically indestructible - poison 100,000 and millions take their place, electrocute them and they send in a chemical cue for the others to attack. In short, they can and will ruin your picnic if you happen to be the sort to go for a basket lunch on a 112 degree day.   There are other plagues, of course, such as the plague of the clouded mind and the plague of the plunging polls, but these are Rick Perry specific and thus should be of little concern to the rest of us. So is God really telling Perry to run?   "The man's conceit is ludicrous," said a spokesman for the Deity. "Of course, a lot of those clowns are saying the same thing, but let me tell you something - He believes that anyone who feels that they need to ask His permission to seek political office don't really belong in the race to begin with. Who is Perry listening to? I don't know, but if I were you, the first person I'd check with is His evil arch-enemy."   "Rick Perry? I know the name," responds Beelzebub with a diabolical chuckle. "But have I been talking to him? Forget about it, the man won't listen to anyone. And you know, I've been super busy in the Middle East over the past year, so American politics has barely been on my radar. To tell the truth, Rick Perry doesn't really need my help to get in over his head. But hey, thanks for that tip on the Nylanderia pubens. Not my idea, but they sound like just the thing to aid and abet human suffering. As far as the drought, maybe that's just nature's way to tell Rick Perry to get off his ass and consider climate change. As far as the fire and heat go, well, that's my bad. I farted. Sorry... If you really want to know who's giving Perry bad advice, take a look at his wife. She's the one who hears voices."

the forum they deserved

So Republican Debate IX (possibly even X or XI) which took place last night was the first one intended for the general public insofar as it was the first one to be broadcast on the public airwaves. (No, the C-Span debate doesn't count). It was carried on the 'Tiffany Network', a fact that probably made Newt Gingrich feel a little giddy and everyone else apprehensive. CBS doesn't really have what you would call a strong commitment to news and political programming. What they have instead is '60 Minutes', which gives them a week's worth of gravitas in a single convenient serving.   Just how unserious is CBS? They did actually schedule a debate, which is something that 'serious' networks do. They even gave it an important sounding moniker - 'The Commander-in-Chief Debate', although it would be hard to imagine anyone on the stage as Commander-in-Chief material without the benefit of some really potent mushrooms. They even had Scott Pelley (from 60 Minutes!) as one of the moderators and put the focus on foreign policy, which is a topic that most of the candidates have avoided like the plague.   And, uh, they interrupted the debate about halfway through. Now supposedly local affiliates had the option to run the whole debate, although CBS 'forgot' to make that possible. But never fear, you could watch it streaming live on their website. Which, of course, crashed. Now, it is technically possible for a network to delay the broadcast of 'your regularly scheduled program', which is something CBS does nearly every Sunday during football season. But really, that's not a very reasonable request, seeing that at 9:00 they were running a very special episode of 'NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service'. Which is not even regularly scheduled in that time slot, except for last night, because CBS figured that airing half of a debate beforehand would undoubtedly lead to some really boffo ratings. Great job, fellas! I think you've got your next episode of '60 Minutes' already in the can.

oops

Perry: "...and I tell you, it's three agencies when I get there that are gone... Commerce, education, and the, uh, what's the third one... let's see, uh, commerce..."   Paul: "You had five."   Perry: "Five? Thank you, Ron, I appreciate that, but I'm pretty sure that that I was only thinkin of three... there's the department of commerce, the department of education, commerce and uh, the..."   Paul: "The EPA?"   Perry: "The EPA. There you go, the department of EPA."   Moderator: "Seriously? The EPA is the agency you were thinking about?"   Perry: "No sir, it's not. The EPA needs to be reformed from the ground up, but it doesn't need to get gone. The EPA is somethin Ron Paul wants to get rid of, not me. You see the way he was lookin at me? He just popped that idea right into my head."   Moderator: "But you can't name a third one?"   Perry: "The third agency of government I would do away with, there's commerce, uh, the, uh, education...   Moderator: "You've mentioned those previously."   Perry: "And uh, let's see, I can't, the third one..."   Paul: "I'm pretty sure he wants to get rid of the EPA..."   Bachmann: "No he doesn't, Ron Paul, you're putting words into his mouth. I sure hope he doesn't want to get rid of the Defense Department, because I believe in a strong defense."   Moderator: "That's all well and good, Congresswoman Bachmann, but that question was intended for Governor Perry, not for you."   Bachmann: "But I'm not getting any questions."   Moderator: "And with that sort of attitude, you won't be getting any either. Governor Perry, we are waiting for your response."   Perry: "The three agencies are the Commerce Department, which is a row I've already plowed, and of course the Department of Education, that's gone, and uh, is my time up? I'm pretty sure my time is up by now."   Moderator: "As moderator, I can grant you sufficient time to answer the question. Now do it."   Perry: "I can't. Sorry."   Moderator: "You can't answer the question?"   Perry: "Well, I can answer that one. No... I got brain freeze."   Moderator: "Pathetic. Very well then, the next question is for Herman Cain. Mister Cain, assuming you are not the party's nominee - which I believe to be a logical assumption - would you ever be able to throw your support to a man who gets brain freeze?"   Cain: "First of all, I take offense at your premise. And secondly, the answer is no, I could not support a candidate that gets brain freeze. Herman Cain does not get brain freeze."   Moderator: Same question to you, Congresswoman Bachmann. Could you support such a candidate?"   Bachmann: "I think we need to consider..."   Perry: "Hold on just a doggone second. You seem to be tryin to turn this debate into a pick on Rick Perry session.   Moderator: "A pick on Rick Perry session? The question was intended for Congresswoman Bachmann. So now on top of being a man who gets brain freeze, you are also being rude."   Romney: "I detect a little paranoia as well."   Perry: "Shoot, maybe I should have stuck with my decision to bow out of the rest of the debates."   Moderator: Perhaps you should have. Add flip-flopper to that list of your inadequacies. Turning now to the question of Medicare funding...

Find the Socialist

Sometimes it's a lonely journey being the first Socialist president of the United States, but Barack Obama can take a certain amount of comfort in the fact that the path he's blazed may now be taken by at least one of his Republican opponents. That's the shocking news revealed today by Michele Bachman during a speech at the right-wing Family Research Council.   "I will work to eradicate socialism across the United States government," Bachmann told members of the fundamentalist lobbying group. "So many Republicans aspire to be frugal socialists. We can’t preserve liberty if the choice a year from now is between an socialist and a frugal socialist."   Unfortunately for journalists, who would prefer for her to just do all their hard work for them, Bachmann declined to single out these Socialists by name. That would be far too easy. Certainly much easier than explaining what the hell a frugal socialist is in the first place.   "Well, you see, that's part of the puzzle that you figure out," she told a reporter who foolishly asked her to name names. "Perhaps you find it odd that I would present you with a puzzle, but believe me, there's a method to my madness. My coyness will cause you to give me days and days of coverage."   Sadly it would not. Just then a pretty blonde woman appeared on TV claiming that Herman Cain had offered her a spare job stimulus that he happened to have in his pants, causing the reporters to depart en masse, leaving Bachmann alone with little hope for anything more than a wag of the finger from Stephen Colbert.

Paid for by the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'.

Dear Patriots, I am writing to say thank you, America, thank you very much. With your help, I'm pleased to announce that Monday marked the most successful 24 hour period in the Herman Cain campaign's fundraising history. The good people of this great country apparently do not care to watch a man they greatly admire and respect be subjugated to the high-tech lynching techniques of the modern mainstream media, and they have voiced their feelings in the most powerful way possible - through the act of making generous donations to my pact, the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'. Did you ever hear about the time I stirred a gin and tonic with my love muscle for a pretty young subordinate? No? Let's get real - That's because it never happened. You're never going to hear it either, at least not from me. And if you do hear it from anybody else, it'll be one of those made up stories. That's the sort of vile innuendo the liberal pundits fighting to protect the status quo spread when they want to tear you down. Are liberals more racist that conservatives? I have no direct evidence of that, it is just an observation that I have made. You be the judge.   The fact is there are factions that are trying to destroy me personally, as well as destroy this campaign and this journey to the White House, and I'm not speaking of the mainstream media this time. Those of you who have read my book 'This Is Herman Cain!' will recall that it concludes with these exciting words - "I’m the president of the United States of America!" Sadly, there are those who would like to make a liar out of me. Who are these people? Take a look around the stage next Tuesday at the Republican debate in Minnesota and I suspect that you will find a number of answers.   But of these suspects, is there anyone - perhaps someone who has raised more money than me - who would attempt to undermine a fellow conservative through the use of dirty tricks? I truly do not know the answer, although my research reveals that at least one candidate has employed such tactics in the past. If I were playing detective I would take a closer look at anyone who frequents a hunting camp with a racially inflammatory name. However, I am not playing detective, and I have no direct evidence of that. It is just an observation that I have made.   One thing that I do have evidence of is the fact that America is ready for bold new leadership and exciting, innovative new ideas like my 9-9-9 plan, which will increase the purchasing power of every American, irregardless of what the naysayers may tell you. You might just want to send a donation to 'Friends of Herman Cane™' right now. In return, I will not send you the titillating new eBook 'The Complete Illustrated Guide to the Hermanator's Id'. I will not send that to you because it does not exist. I guarantee 100% that this eBook will not be coming your way. And that's a good thing too, because the children might see it. Who knows what it might contain? Certainly I do not - and that's why I won't send it to you. That, and the fact that it is imaginary.   So get on board the Cain Train today with your donation to 'Friends of Herman Cain™'. I may be number one in the polls today, but with your help, I can rise even higher.