last minute retail politicking

"Governor Romney! We just wanted to give you a little memento from the people of Iowa."   "Oh my. That's beautiful. Like most Americans I love the color red. And it's got my name on it... What is it?"   "Can't you tell? It's a homemade Frisbee. Luanne quilted it herself."   "That's great, a quilted Frisbee. Can you throw it very far?"   "Who cares? We're too drunk to chase it anyhow... I don't guess you can relate to that, can you?"   "Of course I can relate. You don't have to be a drinker to relate to the joy I see on your faces. But you've got to ask yourself, just how much can Barack Obama relate to ordinary people like you and me? He's in Hawaii right now. Does anyone here know where Hawaii is?"   "It's not even in the continental United States. It's out there in the ocean... And it's warm."   "Indeed it is, quite warm. But you and I, we're out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we care about America."   "We're out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we live in Cedar Rapids. We can't just stay in the house until May."   "I understand. You can't stay in the house because you've got to go out and earn a living. But not Barack Obama. Did you know that he just finished his 90th round of golf?"   "Ninety rounds of golf in three years? How is that even possible?"   "You've got me. The logistics are staggering, but he doesn't care. He reminds me a lot of Marie Antoinette."   "Marie Antoinette? Did she play a lot of golf?"   "I truly do not know the answer to that, although it wouldn't surprise me if she did. But some of you might recall from history that when she was told the people of France had no bread, she said 'let them eat cake'."   "I'm just a simple hard-working woman, but that sounds like pretty good advice to me."   "Well, they didn't have any cake either."    "How about pie? I'd like some pie."   "Hush, grandpa, we'll have some pie after the rally."   "Speaking of pie, I want to get this nation back to the idea of growing the pie, rather than Obama's socialist belief that we should just accept the pie the size it is and try to make sure that everyone gets an equal slice."   "I kind of get what you're saying, Governor Romney, but what good does it do to have a bigger pie if we're still not going to get a slice of it, know what I'm saying? Now from what I've read, you've got a pretty big slice for yourself, so how are we supposed to believe that you can relate to ordinary folks like us?"    "Unlike Barack Obama, I can relate to ordinary folks because I have so many of them working for me."   "Can you give us jobs?"   "No, but if you'd care to follow me across the street to Lucy's Home-style Diner, I can get you a piece of pie."

if not now, then when?

just stumbled upon this piece from 2008 that I never posted...

Simian superstar swings no more

North Koreans pay respect to the passing of two great icons   Cheetah, perhaps the most famous primate in history under a hundred feet tall, has quietly passed away from kidney failure. He was 80 at the time of his demise, making him quite an old chimpanzee indeed. The star of the early 'Tarzan' movies outlived both of his human co-stars, Maureen O'Sullivan, who played jungle beauty 'Jane' and Johnny Weissmuller, who played the titular role of Daniel 'Tarzan' Montgomery.   The lovable chimp who's full name was Cheetah-Mike, was one of many monkeys to play the character, but critics universally agreed that he was the personification of the role.   "None of the other chimps ever approached the quality of his work," said New York Times film critic A.O. Scott. "He created the role and played it for all it was worth, always ready to mug for the camera or let loose with that delightful squeal of his. He did his own stunts, which is something that today's monkey's would never dream of. It's a shame that he never broke out of the ghetto of Tarzan movies - I would have given anything to see what he could do in a film like 'On the Waterfront'."   Cheetah spent his final days at Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Florida, where he spent his time fingerpainting, watching football, and for some disturbing reason, listening to Christian music.   Upon hearing of his death, O'Sullivan's daughter Mia Farrow affectionately tweeted that her mother always referred to Cheetah as 'that bastard', the first in what is sure to be a long series of moving tributes.

Robert the Bruce

Well, here we are again, the hard working Republican members of the of the House Payroll Tax and Unemployment Benefits Extension Committee, just sitting around and waiting to negotiate. And as I look around me, I can't help but notice that there don't seem to be any Democrat representatives present. Am I correct about that, young Eric?

I don't know, let me check... No, I don't believe there are. And you know, I don't believe that the Senate has reconvened either, even though we asked them nicely to do so.

And that's a real shame, too, because two days ago we voted 229-193 in favor of approving my resolution on the Senate two month extension of payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits.

We sure did. I remember it as though it were yesterday.

But it wasn't. It was the day before yesterday. Now the good news is that our Republican members got to vote yay rather than nay, so that's a positive thing, one that hopefully will bamboozle much of the public. Now I'll be glad to take a couple questions.

I hate to tell you this, Mister Speaker, but I'm pretty sure that all of the reporters got bored and left.

In that case, I've got a question You know, voting yay on your resolution meant casting a nay on even bringing up the Senate bill. It's an interesting parliamentary move, bit I'm afraid I'm largely unbamboozled. Am I missing something?

No, Renee, you're not. That being said, you are a very hard woman to bamboozle. It's just that a short extension in  benefits doesn't help anyone except perhaps for those who might directly benefit from it. It certainly doesn't help the job creators. Like I've said repeatedly, a two month extension is simply kicking the can down the road.

So I guess a one year extension is kicking the can through the goalpost. Maybe Representative Ellmers isn't bamboozled, but I am. Just ten days ago you were telling us to vote against any extension.

It's hard to explain things to a bamboozled man, Dave. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've got to admit that I have the right countenance for it. The fact is, there are rapidly changing realities.

Rapidly changing realities? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're really in over your head, aren't you?

Don't listen to Camp, Mister Speaker, the man admits to being bamboozled. Just remember what we told you on Tuesday. This is a Braveheart moment and you are our William Wallace.

Funny you should mention that, young Eric. You know, I had never seen that movie before, so I just had this vague notion of William Wallace as some sort of mythic figure.

No, he's not mythical. Mel Gibson is a real person.

That's quite true, Renee, but the character Mel Gibson plays does not in any way achieve victory.

Okay, it's obviously true that Robert the Bruce comes out on top in the end, but I think you could rightly say that William Wallace achieved a certain moral victory.

Well, yes, but you might have noticed that he gets hung, then cut down while still alive. Then they gut him, behead him, and finish up by drawing and quartering his dead body.

That's kind of a noble death. In a way.

No it's not, Dave. And to make matters worse, it's all in slow motion. Much the way this whole past year has been.

So what about it, Mister Speaker? Are you going to be our William Wallace?

Not willingly, Cantor, but I seem to have been cornered into it. And I know that you're just dreaming of me going down in flames.

Moi? Je me tiens accusé?

And then when I'm defeated, you believe that you will be our William Wallace.

No way, Boehner. I'm pretty content with being our Robert the Bruce.

Jong no longer il

The axis of evil lost one of it's most prominent spokes today, as insane dictator Kim Jong-il finally made good on his pledge to one day shuffle off of this mortal coil and make room for another Jong. He is widely believed to have gone to a better place, as most locales are considered far superior to North Korea.   The man known to his face as Beloved Leader was able to maintain one of the world's largest active military by providing them with one of North Korea's rarest commodities, food, or as it is known throughout the country, edible gold.   According to legend, Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942, atop of north Korea's highest peak, Mount Paektu. A magic swallow announced his birth and was promptly executed. Also too, a new star appeared in the sky and there was a rare double rainbow even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky.   Aside from his enormous military, Kim Jong-il will be most remembered as being the only nuclear armed insane dictator that was totally unable to terrify anyone other than his own subjects.    The rare double rainbow reappeared today over Pyongyang in honor of the Beloved Leader's passing. He will not be missed.

Trump to make lemonade

"...and like pretty much every other day, we have Donald Trump on the 'FOX and Friends' hotline ready to offer us his take on the events of the day."   "I think he's really starting to abuse our hotline, Gretchen. I know you told him a few months ago to call in anytime, but he really is starting to make this..."   "Who is that - Doocy? I don't want to hear Doocy shooting his mouth off when I appear on the show."   "Mister Trump, good morning. Nice to hear from you again. You were right, by the way, that was Doocy shooting his mouth off."   "Well, tell him to keep it shut when I do the show."   "Keep it shut when Mister Trump does the show, Doocy."   "He doesn't really do the show, Gretchen, he just has one of his apprentices call us up on the phone whenever he feels like it and we stick his picture up on the screen..."   "Steve! He's our guest!"   "Not really, Gretchen. A real guest doesn't show up anytime they choose just for the sake of cheap publicity."   "You know, it would be very easy for me to just start calling up Good Morning America, so I would advise you to silence Doocy with all due haste."   "I know you can, Mister Trump. I'm very sorry."   "That's all right, Gretchen, not all of us are fortunate enough to be able to hire and fire our own co-workers. The reason I'm calling in this morning is to promote my upcoming debate on the Ion network. There was a lot of speculation that I might cancel it just because a couple of the candidate are too cowardly to appear. I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I'm making lemonade."    "They always say that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade."   "Who the hell said that? Was that Doocy?"   "No, Mister Trump, that was me, Brian Kilmeade."   "All right, Brian Kilmeade, I will assume you meant no harm with your remark, but I would suggest that you emulate Doocy in trying to maintain a respectful silence. Life does not give lemons to Donald Trump. I just thought that lemonade would be a nice change from the water served at most debates."   "It sounds like a very interesting affair, and I know that I'll be watching, but how do you feel about the candidates that refused to attend?"   "Very good question, Gretchen, but I don't want anyone to think that my support or lack thereof for a candidate is in any way dependent on their attendance. Obviously I would never support a nonentity like Huntsman or an insane person like Ron Paul, so I don't mind their absence at all. Now Michele Bachmann is a different story entirely. She sought out my counsel relentlessly and even said that if she won the nomination that she wanted me to be her vice president. I found the idea totally ludicrous."   "The idea that she might win?"   "That, and the idea that I would accept the second slot. That's pathetic. And speaking of pathetic, let's talk Rick Perry. The man is obviously a coward, and I think he proved that again at the ABC debate on Saturday."   "How so?"   "By refusing to accept Mitt Romney's $10,000 bet. Where's the courage of his convictions? If Perry thought he was in the right he should have taken that bet and raised it."   "Double down?"   "Exactly. I must say that did give me a new respect for Romney, though. I like the man. He's a really nice guy,. but his  numbers have gone down very substantially since he said 'no', and a lot people think it's because it showed a lack of decisiveness or a lack of courage in going into this debate."   "Sealed his own fate."   "Exactly, Gretchen. But none of this makes any difference. Newt and I may just do a chat."   "And Rick Santorum. He gets a seat at the table, doesn't he?"   "He had the courage to RSVP and Donald Trump is a man who honors his commitments. So yes, he gets a seat, but that doesn't mean I'm inclined to let him speak."   "So, uh, just you and Newt. That sounds a little..."   "A little slow? Not on your life, Gretchen. Newt and I may be the only real candidates, but you should know that I understand how to put on a good show. Every significant candidate will be represented at my debate. For example, Rick Perry will be portrayed by the fine actor Josh Brolin."   "That's good casting."   "Thank you, Gretchen. You're an excellent host. Josh said that he wasn't all that familiar with Perry, but I told him not to worry and just play the same character as he did in 'W' and nobody will notice the difference. I've got Paul Reubens - you know, Pee Wee Herman - to play Ron Paul. I just hope he'll be wacky enough. For John Huntsman, we've got nothing. The man is a nonentity. And you'll love this, Greta. For Michele Bachmann we've got Marilyn Manson."   "Marilyn Manson?"   "Without make-up, they're almost identical. It's amazing."   "All right. What about Mitt Romney?"   "We just hired some model from the Land's End catalogue. Oh yes, one more big name. In the Herman Cain chair we've got Herman Cain. Hey, he RSVPed, what could I do? Plus, he didn't say he was ending his campaign, he just said he was suspending it."   "All right, sounds great. I'll be watching."   "You and about thirty million others, Gretchen."

High times in Des Moines

"Hey! Hey! Don't be scared, Michele, it's not a real soldier, it's a cardboard soldier... I get your point, though. Sorry... If you're lookin' at it from the corner of your eye, it looks like a soldier that's been in some sort of horrible life-alterin' accident. I probably shoulda brought along a full soldier but the half ones are easier to cart around... Sorry for scarin' you but I like to kinda subtly point out that I support the troops. Hey, whatcha doin up here in Iowa?"   "That has to be about the dumbest question I've heard since Tim Pawlenty asked 'If not me, then whom?'"   "You think? I mean, I know that's supposed to be hurtful and all but it's not all that dumb. You and Santorum are the only ones who've been campaignin' up here on a regular basis. Up until now, anyway. I just got myself Prevost XLII."   "A Prevost XLII? That's one sweet bus. I should have gotten one of those back when my campaign could still afford it. You think the money is never going to stop pouring in..."   "But it does."   "It certainly does, and in the end all you're left with is a hundred thousand copies of a book you can't give away... Think you'll get out of the race after Iowa?"   "Nah... I gotta stay in at least to South Carolina. Might pick up a delegate or two. That's better than Giuliani did. And then... It's a long way till Texas, isn't it?"   "Mmm, Super Tuesday. March 6. I've only got until February 7th to get through Minnesota."   "Lucky girl. I figure you gotta stay in until you do your own state or you're gonna look wimpy."   "You would absolutely look wimpy... I sure an glad that I'm not from California."   "You know what's even worse than that? Utah. June 26th. Last in the nation." "Hee hee... And they're proud of it... You know, Rick, it's not too late. Anything could still happen. I keep waiting for Newt to blow up. It's just a matter of time." "Maybe it'll happen at the Trump debate."   "Oooh, that reminds me. I still haven't RSVPed to that, yet. If I keep stalling, Donald is going to start saying disparaging things about me. Are you going?"   "Hell, no. I may not be the smartest guy in the room, but I ain't dumb enough to go to that clown show. I said I was too busy, but I know Trump's gonna trash me anyway."   "Well, I don't know. It might be a good opportunity in some ways. I wonder what one wears to a Trump debate..."   "From what they tell me, Michele, the best thing to wear might be floppy shoes and a red rubber nose."   "I've got one of those I swiped from Herman Cain! Boy, he sure did make the rest of us look good, didn't he?"   "Yeah, it kinda makes you wonder who they're callin' the crazy candidate now."   "As long as it's not me, I don't care. Whoa, look at the time. I've got to go choke down another loose meat sandwich and kiss babies at Lucy's Skyline Cafe."   "Sounds better than the Chuck Grassley corndog meet and greet I've got planned. See ya on the road."

Booking Mitt

"Chris? Chris Wallace? Hello, how are you today? This is Mitt Romney."   "How's everything, Governor? I was just telling my executive producer that I was expecting to hear from you sometime before the close of business."   "Oh, really? The truth is, I just decided to call you a couple of minutes ago. Spur of the moment. Totally spontaneous. I'm like that sometimes. Drives my staff crazy. So why did you think I was going to call you? Not that you were wrong, but why were you thinking I would just decide to call Chris Wallace?"   "Journalistic instinct. That and the fact that I happened to look at the calendar, and I couldn't help but notice that due to Christmas and New Year's there are only two more dates for FOX News Sunday before the Iowa caucus."   "Really? Let me check... I've got a calendar right here on my computer and... By gosh, you're right."   "Of course. I'm a journalist. Anyway, I thought that considering the most recent polls..."   "Polls? Which polls? I see an incredible amount of polls, Chris. I wonder if you could be more specific."   "No problem, Governor. To steal a line from Sarah Palin, 'all of them'. I thought in light of that you might be rethinking your policy of avoiding the Sunday shows."   "Hmmm... No, I haven't been thinking that, Chris, but now that you mention it, it might be an interesting idea. Let me just take a look... Hey, looks like you're in luck. I think that I could pencil you in for December 18th."   "I'm sorry, Governor, but I'm afraid that would be impossible. Like I said, the 18th will be our last show of the year..."   "Works for me. That way I don't need to worry about someone showing up the next week and upstaging me. Not that I would ever worry about such a thing."   "I know that you wouldn't, Governor, but the fact is, that since it is the last show before the Iowa caucus, we're going to want to feature the frontrunner."   "That could very well be me, Chris."   "No it couldn't, Governor. You can't possibly turn things around in one week."   "Begging your pardon, Chris, but according to my calendar that's eleven and a half days."   "Nevertheless, we confirm all our bookings on Wednesday morning. So, should I count on you for this Sunday?"   "You're pretty certain that the 18th is taken?"   "I'm certain it will be."   "Well... I guess, go ahead and pencil me in. I've been thinking of giving you guys at FOX another chance, anyway."   "That's very gracious of you, Governor. Now, you won't be pulling an attitude on me, will you?"   "An attitude?"   "You know, like you did with Bret Baier the last time FOX had you on the air. That was not a good appearance."   "Do you really think so? I was just showing him a little glimpse of my spontaneous side, and I suppose that it's possible he just doesn't get the Mitt Romney sense of humor."   "I suppose that perhaps he does not. All right, then, I'll see you Sunday. And remember - no spontaneity."   "It's against my true nature, but I'll try."

Merry Zappadan!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia This article is about the Zapptist celebration during the opening of Zappadan. The first (or 17th) day of Zappadan was originally known as Enttäuschung Nacht - German for 'bummer night' - but over the years it has been Americanized to the much simpler BummerNacht. This being the anniversary of Mister Zappa's death, the original meaning is rather obvious, and we shall not delve further into it here.   Far from being a day of mourning, however, it is a day of great joy, for Zapptists know that a mere seventeen days later, on December 21st (Zero Day), Frank Zappa was born.   Traditionally, children are not allowed to participate in the celebration of BummerNacht, although teenagers are winked at if they decide to 'run down to the library and not return until some ungodly hour of the night'. Celebrants are often seen cavorting to the exotic sound of the Mystery Horn while gorging on burnt weenie sandwiches and guzzling white port and lemon juice.   How could I have forgotten BummerNacht, one of the most prominent days of the glorious Festival of Zappadan? I couldn't, and I didn't, but even a couple of years ago it was obvious that the celebration would continue to thrive without the assistance of my cheerleading efforts, so this year I thought it was time for me to lean back and enjoy the festivities from the crowd. But I certainly can't let it pass without wishing a very Merry Zappadan to everyone who has been touched by the music, spirit, humor and unfettered free-thinking of the great Frank Zappa.

a little bit of teenage fervor


 
MERRY ZAPPADAN!

bamboozled

You heard me right, Michele. We are going to pass President Obama's payroll tax holiday. His extension of unemployment benefits too, probably, I dunno, maybe a few other odds and ends. But it has nothing to do with bowing to public pressure, nothing at all. Because Republicans are going to get their pound of flesh and more, I guarantee that.

What?

I said that, because of the incredible conservative policies that we will be able to advance in return, we are going to pass the...

No no no. No. I am trying to ascertain the exact composition of this pound of flesh of which you speak.

You have an odd way of expressing yourself, Michele. Has anyone ever told you that?

Yes. Chris Mathews told me that, and just look where he is now.

He was still on MSNBC last time I checked, Michele. Oh yes, and he's on top of the New York Times bestseller list. You've probably noticed him listed there while checking for your own name.

I am not going to check a liberal mainstream media bestseller list, John, but I'll have you know that my book is currently number 17 on the NewsMax top 20.

meanwhile, in an office nearby...

It's a different view of your world that you see on the screen before you at the moment, Young Eric, but one which I felt you were ready to witness.

Well, I certainly do enjoy any opportunity to pick up any inside info on Boehner. Are you using hidden cameras or what?

It's more complicated than that. I'm sure you're aware of C-SPAN and C-SPAN2. You might even be aware of the existence of C-SPAN3, although it is doubtful you know it's purpose. But what if I told you that there were many more C-SPANs, but that access to them was limited to a select few individuals? What you are watching at the moment is C-SPAN17, broadcasting live from the Speaker's office.

I'll admit that this is very cool, but what is the exact significance of what we're watching now?

Boehner just signaled that he is ready to compromise with Obama, but has effectively switched the focus to Bachmann's book sales. What you are witnessing is a classic diversionary tactic by the Speaker of the House, no different than one that might have been utilized by Nancy Pelosi. Or even me, Newt Gingrich. We all learn it during Speaker training, although truth be told, I'm sure I would have performed the maneuver with a defter touch.

I don't understand... When you say that Boehner talking about Bachman's book is a diversionary tactic, exactly what do you mean? And would it have it worked on anybody?

Not anyone, young Eric, but certainly any politician who has written a hopeful missive on their lives and leanings only to see it languish in the remaindered section at Big Lots. Much in the way that your own freshman effort 'Young Guns' has done.

Hey, that book did pretty good when it first came out. It almost hit the Amazon top 100.

You're making me sad, young Eric. As you well know, the first couple weeks of rankings reflect units shipped, not units sold. You're ranked number 91,307 this week, by the way.

You cruel and wicked old piece of human excrement. One of these days you're going to...  Whoa! Wait a minute! What just happened?

I bamboozled you. Like I said, it's a trick that is learned by each and every Speaker of the House.

Will I become the Speaker and learn how to bamboozle?

I'm a charlatan, young Eric, not a soothsayer, but I can tell you this. If you can ensure that Republicans retain the House and I am elected president, your chances are most excellent. You must, however, first learn how not to be bamboozled by the current Speaker. Watch a bit more and learn.

Seriously, Michele. The NewsMax top 20 consists entirely of books they're giving away free with subscriptions. I happened to check Amazon and you're currently at number 5,015.

Those are hurtful words, John. You know full well that my book has only been out for two weeks.

Which is when the vast majority of books that might be sold are shipped. Your book is dead in the water, and so is your candidacy. You would have been much better off spending the past year attending to your committee assignments instead of gallivanting around. Now depart my office and we'll speak of this no more.

Wow, that's the exact same way that you bamboozled me!

Indeed it is, young Eric. Now watch this... Hey, Boehner, pick up the connection.

Newt? Hold on, let me turn on C-SPAN17... Oh for Christ's sake - you've got Cantor there with you?

Hey John, I was just listening in and I could have sworn that I heard you say something about compromising on the payroll tax holiday. What are you getting in return?

Aside from a little political maneuvering room? Not a whole hell of a lot. Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum, rolling back a couple environmental regulations on boilers, that sort of thing.

Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum? That's a chicken-shit deal, Boehner!

And I intend to turn chicken-shit into chicken salad. You know, I wouldn't expect to hear a term like chicken-shit from someone who can't even outsell an underachiever like Bachmann at Amazon.

That's not fair... My book has been out for a year and hers just came out two weeks ago.

Number 91,305. The shame. You know, you aren't even supposed to know about C-SPAN17. Show Cantor the door, Newt, and then I expect you to give me a full apology for including him.

See ya later, young Eric... Wow, did he ever scurry out of here in a hurry.

Man oh man, do I ever enjoy busting the chops of that sanctimonious little prick. Thanks for the assist, Newt.

My pleasure, John. And FYI, I don't really think he's going to be a serious threat to you for a while.