Queen Noor not insulted by unhumiliating reception

Queen Noor of Jordan was not the least bit upset today after being forced to wait for entry at the White House gate while the Secret Service argued over whether or not she "was too hot to be a queen". "When they said that I wasn't nearly dowdy enough to be a real queen, that got me quite non-distraught," Noor told reporters. "And I was particularly undismayed when one of them thought he recognized as that girl from the Woody Allen movie." Noor, who is fifty-seven, was further unhumiliated when agents quibbled over the data on her passport, claiming that she didn't look a day over forty.

Biden scares nation's pants off

Vice President Joe Biden gave the American people quite a fright this morning when he appeared on 'The Today Show' and attempted to soothe a nation already jittery about the dreadful scourge of Swine Flu by warning them of the peril associated with human contact. “I would tell members of my family that I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now,” Biden said. "If you’re in a confined space like an aircraft or a subway car or an office building.... When one person sneezes, it goes all the way through that confined space and the next thing you know you're breaking out in pus-oozing boils and vomiting blood. It's a bad situation, and the best thing you can do is lock yourself inside of a sterile room until this pestilence passes over. If it ever does..." Worried about increasing the already high level of public panic, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sibelius quickly released the following statement. "Joe Biden is a fine public servant, but his Tourette-like habit of impulsively blurting out the cold hard truth even when it scares people can be quite irritating and should be actively discouraged, so we encourage all Americans to ignore his latest fact-laden statement." "Any suspected encounter with this fearsome plague should be handled calmly by visiting the closest disinfection center and undergoing immediate decontamination. If a friend, colleague, or family member shows outward signs of infestation such as coughing, sneezing, or avoidance of eye contact, avoid them like the plague and call our toll free hotline at 1-800-666-DOOM, where a friendly government agent will be quickly dispatched to escort them to one of our regional wellness camps for containment. Above all, do not panic, because the president already has enough on his plate."

Wang Dang Doodle

The Senate GOP was in an ebullient mood today after hearing that highly disliked Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector would at long last be leaving the Republican Party and going over to the Democrats side where he rightfully belongs. "That old thing? You want that old thing?" asked a gleeful Mitch McConnell, who relishes the thought of leading a tighter, more mobile posse. "I say sure, go ahead and take him. Knock yourself out. He was just getting in the way over here anyway, right Kay B?" "Right you are," said Senator Hutchinson. "He smelled old, and to tell the truth, we'll never reach our goal of being a strictly regional party if we have to cater to liberal northern states like Pennsylvania. Arlen. Arlen. It sounds too much like fingernails on a blackboard." Orin Hatch, grand old man from Utah, was equally psyched about the slimmer GOP minority. "Arlen? What the hell sort of name is Arlen, anyway? It sounds kind of like one of those wacky rap names, doesn't it Saxby?" "Indeed it does, Orin," replied Senator Chambliss, "and we don't need any more funny names on our side of the aisle than we already have. And besides, if it wasn't for Spector's damnable compromising, I'm thinking that odious Stimulus bill would never have passed." "Watch your tongue, Saxby," said Senator Bob 'Whatta' Corker. "Rush said we should always call it the Porkuls bill, and now that we're finally getting rid of Spector, we've got one less bozo to give us a hard time about using silly catch phrases." "What's that, Phil Spector is leaving the GOP?" asked Thad Cochran, widely known as the only man in the Senate to be named Thad. "Well, the man produced some great hits in his time, but since he's already in prison I guess it's no big loss." "Not Phil Spector, Thad, Arlen Spector," giggled Senator Crapo, a man who needs no first name. "Arlen Spector had no hits whatsoever, only misses." "I guess I've had my share of misses," chimed in David Vitter, "but I've got three things Arlen Specter never had - class, dignity, and a big wangdangdoodle." "I've got something better than that," shouted Jeff Sessions. "I've got Arlen's seat as the ranking minority member of the judiciary committee." "Quite impressive," said Sam Brownback, "although hardly the equal of a big wangdangdoodle. Still, quite impressive indeed. Now grab your hats, folks, there's a party at Michael Steele's place. And make sure not to say anything about it to McCain."

Party at Steele's place!



Koko Taylor

Cantor releases proof of Obama's cheating

House Minority Whip Eric Cantor has made good on his promise to provide proof of President Obama's "flagrant cheating and shockingly unsportsmanlike conduct" on the golf course. "Just take a look at that humongous golf bag," says the clearly incensed junior congressman. "It's no wonder he has to take a cart; no mortal caddie could hoist that bevy of clubs." "No less an authority than the United States Golf Association states in rule 4-1 and rule 4-4 that a player may have no more than fourteen conforming clubs in his bag," fumes Cantor. "Obama not only has at least twenty-seven clubs, but also a baseball bat and what appears to be a weed whacker. Try telling me that doesn't give him one hell of an unfair advantage when he lands in the rough." "The USGA penalty for exceeding the fourteen club maximum is two strokes. Per club. The penalty handed down by the American people is another matter altogether. Can the president be impeached for cheating? It would not be the first time."

Pig flu controversy explodes like a bloated corpse

Former Vice President Dick Cheney took another swipe at Barack Obama today, saying that he has "left the United States vulnerable to invasion by organisms of unimaginable evil with his refusal to recognize the seriousness of a pig flu attack." "The Bush administration protected this nation against the pig flu for eight years," Cheney told grinning FOX News buttboy Steve Doocey, "and in less than one hundred days, it appears that all of our hard work has been undone. People are literally dying in the streets while Barack Obama is out golfing. Now the Europeans are afraid to even visit the United States, and I can't say that I blame them. Who wants to die like a pig if they don't absolutely have to?" The chronically uninformed Doocey said that he had not yet heard the part about people dying in the streets, a remark that caused Cheney to snort in derision. "Perhaps, Douchey, you might be willing to admit that even as a FOX News second-stringer you don't have access to all of the same intelligence that a former Vice President of the United States does. I'm in regular contact with Mike Leavitt, our Health and Human Services Secretary-in-exile, and he assures me that Americans are dying in droves from pig flu, but that it's being reported as death by 'natural causes' by the liberal media." Rank and file Republicans were quick to follow Cheney's lead, with Minority Whip Eric Cantor taking to the House floor to blast Obama for not having a Health and Human Services Secretary of his own. "Maybe he's too busy playing golf," sneered Cantor, who added that he would soon present evidence that Obama cheats at the game. "Here we are in the midst of the worst pandemic of this millennium and the president can't be bothered to fill what is currently the most urgently needed position in his administration. I'd call that a fatal error, one that I can only pray we survive." "What a piece of work this guy Cantor is," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gates. "I'm just throwing this out there, but maybe the President doesn't have an HHS Secretary because the Republicans have been blocking Kathleen Sebelius' nomination ever since March 2nd. Just saying." "This is not the time for finger-pointing," shot back Cantor. "Not now with what I understand to be hordes of people dying in the streets from pig flu. We oppose Sebelius because of her unseemly love for abortion, which is just about the only thing on God's green earth that is even worse than pig flu. If the president was really concerned about the wellbeing of the American people, he would nominate someone non-controversial to HHS, someone like Mike Leavitt. Leavitt may have had a low profile, but there was never a single case of pig flu on his watch."

grand prize in the ultimate strawman competition

I've seen a lot of strawmen in my time, but this one wins the pie. From Michael Scheuer, chief of the CIA's Osama bin Laden unit from 1996 to 1999 In surprisingly good English, the captive quietly answers: 'Yes, all thanks to God, I do know when the mujaheddin will, with God's permission, detonate a nuclear weapon in the United States, and I also know how many and in which cities." Startled, the CIA interrogators quickly demand more detail. Smiling his trademark shy smile, the captive says nothing. Reporting the interrogation's results to the White House, the CIA director can only shrug when the president asks: "What can we do to make Osama bin Laden talk?" You know, the guys who created the show '24' really have a lot to answer for, foremost being the old ticking A-bomb with no time! scenario. And you know what happens if you don't play the Jack Bauer way. So if the above worst-case scenario ever comes to pass, Americans will have at least two things from which to take solace, even after the loss of major cities and tens of thousands of countrymen. First, they will know that their president believes that those losses are a small price to pay for stopping interrogations and making foreign peoples like us more. And second, they will see Osama bin Laden's shy smile turn into a calm and beautiful God-is-Great grin. It's like these guys are going to freak out if we say they can't torture somebody. I'm sick enough of this hackneyed plot line that I don't even want to discuss it anymore. So in the spirit of compromise, if these citizens will just give it a rest, I'm willing to throw my support behind a major piece of policy - the You Can Torture bin-Laden Rule. That's right, if you catch Osama and think he knows where that A-bomb is, go ahead and torture the shit out of him. As a matter of fact, if you capture the guy and don't think he knows anything, you can torture him anyway, anything just to make you shut up.

swine flu slams West Palm Beach

put your money where his mouth is

Thursday I said my checkbook was open for the noble endeavor of seeing Sean Hannity waterboarded. Maybe you'd like to donate to a good cause as well (military families, not Hannity).

Here's a site that is now collecting email pledges of one dollar a second. Addresses will be sent to FOX, MSNBC, and the named charity. It's money well spent.

the downward spiral

...and that was the big news earlier today after the mainstream media revealed what they called 'shocking new revelations' about the Bush administration. To help us put this story into perspective we have the former President himself to set the record straight here on 'Hannity's America'. Good evening, Mister President.

Good evening, Sean. I've been here so often lately that I'm going to have to start charging you residuals. By the way, I found it interesting that you now appear to be describing FOX as mainstream.

Sometimes it appears to be, Mister President. I watched Shepard Smith earlier this evening and it really gave me pause the way he likes to pretend there are two sides to every story.

You could make a case that there are multiple sides to any given story, Sean. You could even go as far as to say that 'the truth' is subjective. It would be a false case, but it would be a case nonetheless, if you follow what I'm saying.

I don't, Mister President. So what did you make of the big brouhaha today? It seems like every time I turn around the media is coming out with a new 'shocking revelation', and quite frankly, I don't think we should be hearing any of this stuff in the first place.

In a real democracy you wouldn't hear about it, Sean, because in real democracies people know how to keep their mouths shut. It saddens me that this great nation has been dragged down to the level of a secret-spouting banana republic, but that's the hand that we've been dealt, so I for one am doubling down.

I guess you may have to triple down after these ludicrous charges that we heard about today... Tell me, Mister President, is there any truth, any truth whatsoever, in these charges that CIA interrogators performed certain acts of cannibalism on our terrorist prisoners?

Come on, Sean, why don't you try assuming the role of a rational FOX commentator for a moment and tell me what you think.

I think these charges are a total load of hooey is what I think, and I think they're being fabricated from whole cloth by the very lowest minds of this hell-bent on Socialism Democrat Party, and I think these people need to be made to pay for their slander.

You're basically correct, Sean. Of course our civilian warriors ate no enemy flesh. They ate brains, which are an organ. Our researchers found that the eating of terrorists brains provided unfiltered organic intelligence of incomparable reliability.

Fascinating. So what the media has seen fit to reveal is the fact that we currently have zombies working directly for the Central Intelligence Agency.

Not at all, Sean. While it's quite true that zombies eat human brains, in fact they revel in it, the eating of human brains does not in turn make one a zombie. Our purpose for eating brains was to access the intelligence that they contained.

Good old American ingenuity. So do you have any success stories? I mean, I'm sure that you do, but do you have any success stories that you can share with us here tonight?

Why not, Sean? Since the Obama Administration has seen fit to reveal all the secret programs that helped keep America safe for seven years, then there's no reason why I can't at least tell you the sunny side of the story. For example, we captured Khalid Sheik Mohammed after eating the brains of one of his lieutenants, a man by the name of Ahkbar Medulla Oblongata. Oblongata had a tremendous amount of valuable information in that brain of his which led to many of our earlier successes.

Wow, that's amazing. So let me ask you this, Mister President. In light of all of these charges that are emerging now, for example, when they say that you had Khalid Sheik Mohammed waterboarded some one hundred and eighty times, and I guess I'm wondering why you didn't just...

Why we didn't just eat his brains? I'll tell you why, Sean. It's because George Bush made the foolish mistake of briefing a joint congressional panel about our brain-eating program, and...

And the Democrats shut it down, didn't they? Oh man, I should have known the answer to that question before I even asked it. These are the folks that hate America, and now the inmates are running the asylum.

You can see that after that, we had no choice but to resort to more primitive methods that are now being referred to as torture. So believe me, there was no way that we were going to tell the Democrats about waterboarding when they were clearly in sympathy with those who wanted to destroy this country. From then on, we treated them like mushrooms - kept them in the dark and fed them plenty of s**t.

Whoops, I'm afraid I had to bleep you there, Mister President. For the life of me, I cannot understand why we're allowed to talk about Democrats and yet they won't allow us to use that powerful word which is so germane to the topic of discussion.

It's ponderous, Sean, f**king ponderous. It's like talking about Hershey Bars and not being able to use the word delicious.

Or Ruth's Cris Steakhouse... I know we've only got a limited amount of time this evening, but I need to ask you one more question. Do you expect any negative repercussions to come from the media's disgraceful disclosure of the Bush administration brain-eating program?

Not really, Sean, although I suppose the media will have a field day with it. Our lawyers checked the matter quite thoroughly on both the civilian and military law side, and it seems that there are no prohibitions whatsoever against eating the brains of an enemy combatant.

Well thank God for that small blessing, even though it makes me sick to think that a valuable program such as this one was so heedlessly discarded. And I suppose that now we'll just have to grit our teeth as we hear all the stories about the Jihadists eating American brains.

Possibly, Sean, although I don't believe that before today, anybody else had ever thought about it...

Yer Friday Funk

Limbomaniacs - 'Shake It'

double bogey

Congressional firecracker Todd Tiahrt, amateur golfer and author of the Tiahrt Amendment, stepped forward today for another clarification to a previous careless remark he had made about Rush Limbaugh in which he seemed to indicate that he did not believe that The Bloated One was in fact the leader of the Republican party. A week ago Tiahrt carelessly referred to Limbaugh as 'just an entertainer', a callous statement that weeks earlier had nearly cost Michael Steele his job as GOP Chair. Quickly realizing his mistake, Tiahrt tearfully released an apology which stated that The Bloated One was not an entertainer, not at all, but was instead "a great leader of the conservative movement in America". Rush was not at all amused, nor were the thousands of angry dittoheads which quickly overloaded the Tiahrt switchboard. "And so we have the sad case of Todd Tiahrt, the man with the misplaced vowel," Limbaugh told his audience Wednesday afternoon, shortly before departing on a long golfing weekend (an outing to which Tiahrt was not invited). "He goes in front of the press and states that I, El Rushbo, am not an entertainer, when, in fact, I am the most successful individual currently occupying the American stage. Perhaps when Mr Misplaced Vowel has amassed thirty million weekly listeners he will have earned the right to his opinion, but at the moment he appears to be playing the back nine without any balls." "I am so sorry about the duplicity of the mainstream media," said Tiahrt in today's statement. "While it's true that I called Mr Limbaugh a great leader of the conservative movement, that was not the extent of my statement. In the part conveniently omitted by the press, I also called him not just a great entertainer, but the greatest entertainer, an entertainer that transcends mere entertainment, like a non-communist Bob Dylan, or Bono if he had ice cream and sprinkles on top." Tiahrt also announced plans to golf alone this weekend.

I've got my checkbook out

Make no bones about it, torture is bad, but like disgraced VP Cheney is happy to tell you, there are times when it is justified, and I for one can't think of any greater justification than the pure delight of seeing Sean Hannity waterboarded. And the idea that it would be for charity, how sweet is that?

If you want to fast forward, Hannity volunteers at about the three minute point. Let's make it happen.

H/T to News Hounds

so much for all of that

Tempus Non Substantia

Flush with victory from his impressive showing on 'America's Got Chutzpah!', former man-with-at-least-a-sliver-of-political-future Norm Coleman today filed a document with the Minnesota Supreme Court requesting them to 'take your time, and don't shuffle everything around just for my convenience'. The writ of Tempus Non Substantia (tr. 'time is not of the essence') states that Coleman would really like to wait until the end of the month to file his opening brief. "Just a few days, your honors," says the highly informal writ, "cause you know, it really surprised the heck out of me, not winning the last decision and all, caught me with my pants down, you might say, and then a couple of days ago my house got egged, matter of fact I almost got hit with an egg myself, quite rattling, so a couple more days, okay? As a matter of fact, just to be totally fair, I'm requesting that you give Al Franken a bit of extra time to submit his brief as well, maybe ten days, but if you think he deserves a little more, who am I to stand in your way? And then, if this isn't too forward of me, I'll need a nice spot of time to reply to his brief, as it most surely will be full of rib-tickling jests, and forgive me, I'm not a comedian, so it might take me a little longer to come up with witty retorts of my own. And then, go ahead and put the oral arguments on your calendar whenever is convenient for you, but just keep in mind that we're both a couple of long winded guys, so no hurry, maybe put it at the end of your docket so you can get some rest afterwards. Love your work. Your friend, (Senator?) Norm."

why Art sucks

Or rather, why the societal evaluation/appreciation of art sucks, although that is nowhere near as snappy as 'why art sucks'.

Because if the tiny sculpture above is actually a Michelangelo, then it's an artifact of unparalleled beauty and a steal at only $4.2 million.

Because if the tiny sculpture is not a Michelangelo, then it's just a guy on a stick and the Italian government is as dumb as a box of rocks.

Hey Norm, if we can't get the Fat Lady, how about the Skinny Dude?

N.E.R.D. - 'Sooner or Later (It all comes crashing down)'

Fat Lady still missing; Coleman sited as person of interest

Minneapolis police say that they may be closer to solving the kidnapping of Sieglinde Finkelstein, beloved mascot of the Minnesota Vikings widely known for her singing of Wagner at the conclusion of victorious home games at the Metrodome as well as providing musical closure to state elections. There are reports that former Senator Norm Coleman has now been identified as a person of interest in the case. "We have brought him in for questioning, which is standard procedure in a case like this," says police captain Bjorn Jones. "We believe that Ms Finkelstein is still alive, and possibly being kept in a fruit cellar somewhere in Minnesota's vast frozen tundra. And we believe that Mr. Coleman may, at the very least, be able to provide clues as to her whereabouts. Does he have a motive? Well, lets just say that at the very least he has what we could call a symbolic motive." Detective Hjørdis Andrews has been following the case since November 30th, when Finkelstein failed to show up to provide an aria for the Vikings 34-14 victory over the Chicago Bears. "Sieglinde hadn't missed a home team victory since 1996," says Andrews. "Fans sat in the stands for a good twenty minutes after the game was over, expecting her to whip out a little 'Träume' or 'Im Treibhaus' but it never happened. Even though the Vikings ended up making the playoffs, some say their season ended then and there." "Let me put it this way," Andrews continues. "Yon Coleman has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much, and such men are dangerous. The ransom note, which we received two days after her missed performance, asked for 4400 Kroners. That's about $30,000 US, not very much for a singer of her girth and talent. And of course, as I'm sure you know, the money was dropped off but never picked up." "I'm working on the theory that the kidnapper was playing a little game of semantics with us. What if the perpetrator was in fact asking for 4400 cronies? You could, with a little imagination, interpret that as 4400 votes, which just happens to be the number of ballots that Coleman has been brazenly demanding for almost six months now, and, if you follow me, he has publicly indicated that if he does not receive them, he will refuse to allow the Fat Lady to sing. Metaphorically speaking. Circumstantial, sure, but there's a certain sort of twisted logic to it." "Ridiculous," says Coleman spokesman Svein Stevens. "If we want to get into rampant speculation, we could just as easily say that Al Franken kidnapped Sieglinde Finkelstein, and that 4400 refers to that TV show called, well, it was called 'The 4400', and it was about all these people that are abducted in a beam of white light, but then all of a sudden they return, and... did you ever see that TV show? No? Ah well, it wasn't very good..." "I just hope Sieglinde is found soon and all of this is settled," says Vikings coach Thorfid 'Brad' Childress. "The 2009 season is right around the corner, and I'd hate to have to use our top draft pick on a new soprano."

they say that gansters never cry, but CI Agents do

Was Not Was - 'Spy in the House of Love'

silent treatment

A classified number of possible CIA agents may have staged a silent protest this afternoon during President Obama's visit to agency headquarters in Langley, Virginia. According to Agent Smith, "there may or may not be some truth to the rumor that many of us wore our agency-issue sunglasses as a way to prevent any and all eye contact. Such a move, were it to have happened, would not prevent us from looking directly at the president with suspicious and disdain, but it would prevent him from peering into our souls, which we may or may not possess. In addition, there is the possibility that many agents may have sat on their hands during major applause lines, and carefully guarded against the display any physical expression of emotion, positive or negative. The silence may or may not have been deafening." Numerous agents have perhaps been upset by the Obama administration's decision to release formerly Top Secret documents detailing torture of detainees which some individuals with no need to know believe to have occurred during the Bush administration, a charge which Smith was quick to neither confirm or deny. "There is a reason why these facts or fallacies are considered secret," said Smith. "Possibly there are reports, written, verbal, or non-existent, that certain suspect individuals who some might classify as terrorists are now openly mocking the limp-wristed techniques which were possibly used to obtain information which might, if it exists, have prevented further destruction in certain places that I am not at liberty to reveal." "Take, for example, the totally unverifiable report that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times. If that report were believed to be true, one might conjecture that this possible CIA interrogation tactic was somewhat less than effective. Even more damaging are the release of guidelines, such as the one which states that agents were limited to two waterboarding sessions per day, with six applications of fluids per session." "I'm certain that sounds pretty persuasive to the unskilled observer, but this guideline also states that each application of said fluids may last no longer than forty seconds. That is all that is needed for the suspected terrorists to win. We are already receiving reports that possible al-Qaeda training officers are teaching new recruits how to hold their breath for well over a minute. The implications are obvious." "I'll tell you one thing - when Obama left Langley this afternoon, he may or may not have gotten a good idea of just how betrayed the agency may or may not feel."

Major

"...and so what we are saying is that while words and handshakes are nice, they alone are not enough. I am not concerned about the message it sends, I am concerned what flows from it. Okay... Helen Thomas." "Yes, Bob. I'd like to know why, given the depravity on display in the release of the latest Bush torture memos, President Obama has not yet signaled his willingness to proceed with prosecution of what would certainly seem to be war criminals, starting with Bush and Cheney, and working on down the chain. Can we expect any action on that in the near future?" "Well, Helen, you can frame that anyway you want to, but I think you have to take a pragmatic approach and ask yourself if you really want to see the president put himself into a protracted battle at the expense of everything else we hope to accomplish in these four short years. I mean, we do have a congress which has had a number of years to start action on these charges, and I think that it might be a... what in the blazes... There’s a guy in his underwear back there. I'm not trying to duck your question, Helen, but really, there’s some guy in his underwear over there." "Oh, yes. That's Major Garrett from FOX News. We all call him Major Embarrassment." "I can certainly see why. Maybe we should call him Captain Underpants." "That's already taken, Bob, although we could have someone check into the 'fair usage' provision." "No need, Helen, I'm perfectly okay with Major Embarrassment." "Yes, Bob, I want to know..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Calvin Klein, nobody called on you." "Au contraire, Bob, I just heard..." "No shoes, no shirt, no questions, Jockey Boy. I'd ask what it is you don't understand about press briefs, but I guess that would just be going for a cheap laugh." "It's okay, Bob, cheap laughs are better than no laughs at all." "I suppose you're right, Roger. Maybe FOX didn't get the memo that teabagging day was last Wednesday. As the psychiatrist said to the man in the Saran Wrap underpants, I can clearly see your nuts... Anyway, did you have a, uh, brief question?" "Yes I do, Bob. Why don't birds wear underpants?" "Because their peckers are on their faces. Cynthia Turner, AP..." "Yes, Bob. I was wondering whether or not President Obama has an opinion as to why it is that blondes wear underwear?" "I haven't spoken to him on the matter, Cynthia, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he believes that it provides them a way to keep their ankles warm. Chuck Todd, MSNBC..."

Ronnie's Bomb World

Did I mention what a travesty Obama's attempts to reign in gun runners supplying the Mexican drug cartels was? Cause not only does the 2nd amendment explicitly allow Americans to have as many firearms as they damn well please, implicit in the Founding Father's guidelines was the right of Americans to sell as many guns as they damn well please to anyone who might conceivably also be a good American, no questions asked. The WaPo has a cute story about it. "If you get the money, we'll sell it to you," said Jacob Allerd, 19, behind a table laden with assault rifles at a gun show in Pinetop, Ariz., two weeks later. "It's not hard to find assault rifles, they're just expensive. The cartels are offering a pretty penny. Or drugs." "It's the whole cycle," Allerd said, "like the cycle of life.'' From the archives, 2005...

No Credit? No Sweat! photo from the Liston Gallery Howdy there, I'm Ronald A. Grecula from Ronnie's Bomb World, and do I ever have a bomb for you! Ronnie, you tell me, I don't have me the money to buy any of those fancy-pants big bruisers of yours. Well, don't sweat it, mister! Here at Ronnie's Bomb World, just off of Crocker Road in beautiful downtown Bangor, we have a bomb for every budget! Do you have a steady job that brings in at least $325 a week? If so, we can fix you up with instant credit. All our bombs are hand crafted using recycled materials so that we are able to pass the savings on to you. See the gentleman up above? He came to Ronnie's Bomb World looking for an economical device that still had enough power to create a reasonable amount of havoc. But Ronnie, he told me, I am but a lowly soldier in the army of Allah, and my wallet is thin and meager. No problem! Ronnie's Bomb World has a seven-days-a-week ten percent discount for all active duty military! I showed the good Sergeant one of our dirty bombs. Radioactive? Radioactively good prices! We have a selection of bombs that are dirty because we're so overstocked that we have no place to keep them except out in the potato patch! We're insanely overstocked! Come on down and take advantage of our burgeoning inventory! Say the phrase that pays, "Ronnie, I hate America", and get two free tickets to see 'Revenge of the Sith'. We said absolutely free! This week only, buy two bombs, get the third for only a dollar! Are we crazy? You bet we are, and we've got the savings to prove it! Ronnie's Bomb World. Hours 8PM to 4AM Monday through Friday. Appointment not necessary. Please, no FBI or CIA need apply. Ronnie's Bomb World - We Put The Bang In Bangor!

Yer Friday Funk

Del the Funkee Homosapien - 'Mistadobalina'

the blue plague

We've got a bit of a treat next here on the Sean Hannity Show, one of the great conservative thinkers in America, a great writer, and I might add, a very sharp dressed man, Mr. George Will.

Thank you, Sean, it's a pleasure to be here. I know you like to be told that you're a great American, so let me get that particular chore out of the way. You're a great American, Sean.

Thank you, George. You're a great American too, but that doesn't prevent me from having a bone to pick with you today. On Wednesday over thirty million other great Americans held fabulously successful teabag parties across the nation, and yet when I read your column yesterday there wasn't a single word about our remarkable conservative victory.

That's right, Sean, I wrote about pants. I wish that I could say that I wrote about trousers, but the topic du jour was denim, as in jeans, and jeans are surely not trousers. They are simply pants.

No argument there. But still, the day after teabag day, you spent your entire column talking about people wearing jeans rather than renewal. Let me read a little bit... "Writer Daniel Akst has noticed and has had a constructive conniption. He should be given the Presidential Medal of Freedom. He has earned it by identifying an obnoxious misuse of freedom." Do you honestly think that this Dan Akst should be given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for writing about his dislike of denim?

Indeed I do, Sean. As I said, Akst spoke truth to denim, summoning Americans to soul-searching and repentance about the plague of that ubiquitous fabric, which is symptomatic of deep disorders in the national psyche. To be totally blunt, jeans look shabby.

But a Presidential Medal of Freedom? And let me throw this thought out there, some of the better jeans, when paired with something like a nice crew neck sweater, can look rather smart.

Smart? I think not. Putting a designer label on a pair of denim pants is like putting lipstick on a pig. I watched FOX's teabag coverage on Wednesday, and while I wanted to empathize with the participants, I found that I could not because they were all wearing jeans. They looked quite similar to a congregation of unkempt hippies.

But don't you understand, George? Conservatives are the new hippies. We're the ones who want to overthrow the government now. And we're the ones who want to rock. You probably noticed that I had Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, at my teabag party.

Indeed. If I might quote myself, there are some basic fashion rules necessary for a civilized society. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don't wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly.

Jeez, George, you seem to be getting a little elitist lately. All of a sudden I'm supposed to dress like Fred Astaire? I'm not ashamed to tell you that I myself have a number of pairs of jeans, and I think they look pretty darn good on me.

I'm sure that's what your followers tell you, although they themselves may also be clad in the same common fabric. But let me assure you, the fact that you insist on wearing the infantile uniform of the slovenly hordes who pretend that they are prospectors or cowboys, you will never darken my door, nor will you ever understand the stirring words of Edmund Burke, who said "To make us love our country, our country ought to be lovely."

I once saw a picture of Ronald Reagan wearing a pair of jeans... Nuts... Up next, Dick Morris...