tears of a clown

Thirty seconds of fun: 'Morning Joe' salutes Glen Beck.

Walk

As President Obama heads to Europe for his first G-20 economic summit, the first of the international whiners have already begun their efforts to steal the spotlight that is rightfully his, with French President Sarkozy threatening to throw the event into utter chaos if his ideas are not adapted as the fiscal blueprint for the rest of the non-French world. "We will walk, oh oui we will," said French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde, whose plan touts stronger global regulation of the market as opposed to stronger national regulation by the individual G-20 members. "Would you like to see some chaos? Then you had better listen to France, or chaos you shall receive. President Sarkozy was very clear on that front - he said if the deliverables are not there, I won't sign the communiqué. Do you think our leader jokes? About signing communiqués? He will walk, walk like an Egyptian, as a matter of fact he has his walking shoes all ready to go, packed right there in his briefcase. Be forewarned." "Could we even have a summit without the vital input of France?" wondered British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "We would be missing a certain joie de vivre, I suppose, and there is little doubt that there would be an empty seat at the big table, although I'm sure that if we tried we could find another country to take their place. I understand that Zimbabwe is in town." "Indeed we are," said insane Zimbabwe dictator Robert Mugabe, holding court in with a crew of money-spinning lizards in the courtyard of a Ramada Inn south of London. "There is much the international community can learn from looking to Zimbabwe, such as the utter folly of allowing witches to hold positions of prominence in your financial institutions. I myself was somehow mysteriously fed broken glass by the Chief Financial Officer of Zimbabwe Petroleum after I upbraided him for the total lack of gasoline in our country. I should have ground him into mealy-meal." Sarkozy doubled down on his threat after sensing the distaste among the rest of the attendees at the very idea of including Mugabe, saying that now that he had been affronted with the very idea of such a sorry substitute, he was prepared to execute "a very funny walk, like Jerry Lewis or the crazy man from 'Seinfeld', a Moonwalk, or maybe a backwards walk so I can wave bye bye as I leave you sitting abandoned at the table.". US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who will be leaving for the summit later today, indicated that he was not worried about Sarkozy, saying he was sure that everyone would listen to France with the utmost politeness. "No, I'm sure the French have a very nice plan, they always do. I hope this is okay to say, but yesterday I was with the President when he got a call from former President Bush. And uh, he had it on speakerphone and Bush had some advice about the G-20, and uh, he said that sometimes you might have countries that get a little needy... and uh, then he started rambling on about some rug... but it was welcome advice. Not that I'm implying that France is acting needy, no they're a trusted and valuable ally of the United States and I'm sure they have a very nice plan."

back in the day, when little things mattered...

...there was a tiny planet known asPluto. And so we turn to the archives, to January 2006, when NASA set out to chart the far reaches of the Solar System, unaware of the fact that it already had. Scant months later Pluto, tiny frozen rock as well as God of the underworld, was banished from the planetary charts, at the same time as GOP fortunes began to diminish. Coincidence? Many think not, but perhaps we must wait until 2016 when contact is made to know for sure.

Onward Unto Pluto! with Dr. Harry Spangler The Majestic World of Pluto Hello, this is Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to tell you all a little bit about the ninth stone from the sun, the tiny frozen world of Pluto. You've probably been reading about Pluto in the news lately; how America has successfully launched the fastest starship ever built, a craft known as 'New Horizons', into the vast and starry sky on a ten year mission to the glorious arctic world. Since Pluto is a relatively recent discovery in our solar system, many people believe that the planet was named after Mickey's dog (an idea encouraged by Disney himself in the classic short 'Mouse with a Telescope'). Such is not the case. In reality, Pluto was named after the Roman god of the Underworld. Now I know what you're thinking: the Underworld is Hell! Why on earth would we want to go there? That's a good question, but it's based on a faulty premise. Hell is a Christian concept whereas the Underworld goes back to the days when the earth was a lot more hollow than it is today. You see, after the Gods defeated the Titans, Pluto and his two brothers Zeus and Neptune drew lots to divide up the universe. Well, we all know who got lucky, don't we? Zeus got the surface of Earth and all the heavens, Neptune got the oceans and that cool fork he carries around with him, and Pluto got the dirt and dark and all of the dead. Perhaps you ask again - Why would we want to go there? Because it's not as bad as it sounds. As well as the darkness, Pluto was also the god of wealth. Makes sense, doesn't it, since the underground is where all the gold and diamonds and truffles are. And Pluto was also the god of Fertility, which let me tell you, is a duty not without it's perks. Six months out of the year he had Zeus's daughter Persephone, the goddess of Fertility, as his very special underground guest, and between these two fertile deities, the earth got spring and summer. Still not convinced that we should go to Pluto? All right then, try this one on for size. Pluto also had an invisibility helmet that he would wear every time he went to earth! How cool is that? Well, enough about the god Pluto, let's talk about the planet. Pluto was discovered by astronomer Clyde Tombaugh in 1930 while he was looking for Planet X. Sure, I know what you're thinking - was Pluto the same thing as Planet X? The short and least boring answer is 'no'. Here's a funny story while we're on the subject. You know what's in the cargo bay on the New Horizon, making it's way towards that icy orb? Ashes from the cremation of Clyde Tombaugh, that's what. His 93 year old widow was at the launch, and I guess she thought that would be a nice thing to do for him. The funny thing, though, is that old Clyde never in his life expressed the slightest desire to go to Pluto. Heh heh. You think we scientists are wacky, you should meet our wives. So if even Clyde Tombaugh didn't want to go to Pluto, why does NASA? Why wouldn't we would be a better question. Because It Is There, is one good answer. Because nobody has ever done it before and Americans should do it first, is another. Because of the explosion of knowledge which the journey shall bring. Because of the Mi-go and of Shub-Niggurath, of which we shall not speak. Because we had an extra seven hundred million bucks in our budget, even after bonuses. And because of the enormous job security you get with any 10+ year mission. I'm Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'll be back soon with more news and trivia about our frozen friend, the planet Pluto.

the stain

Evenin Mr. President... Well, I'm doin pretty good. Wouldn't exactly call it retirement, I'm travelin a lot, writin a book, givin speeches... yeah, you hear the speech I gave up in Canada? I goodmouthed you... said I hope you succeed, and that the new president didn't need me runnin around shootin my mouth off about him... Well, you don't... Yeah, you're welcome... I also said that if you needed my help you could just call me up anytime... uh huh.. I know it's gracious, I'm a busy man, but the problem is, I don't know if you've been tryin to call me or not cause there are times when I have to answer my own phone... yeah, well, I'm not used to it yet... half the time I erase the messages when I try to listen to em... So, anyway, I though I oughta call you in case you had been tryin to call me for advice or anything... uh huh... uh huh... Oh, you were thinkin about callin me? What about?... The G-20, huh? Well, I guess the first thing is to take a look at some of the countries you got attendin the conference and try to match em up with the people attendin, cause that makes a real good impression... Old business trick... Yeah, and try not to give away the farm, if you know what I mean, cause some of those countries are really needy... uh huh... and whatever you do, don't even think about putting a move on Angela Merkel... Well, you'd be surprised the sort of things that can happen on some of these out of town trips. Listen, while I've got you on the phone, I've got somethin serious... Yeah, it's somethin I heard... Remember my rug? The big yellow rug that I like so much... Well it should still be in the Oval office, unless there's somethin you're not tellin me... Yeah, that rug... Remember, I told you how much that rug means to me and... yeah I did. It was in the traditional transition letter that I left on your desktop. You shoulda seen it on day one... Yeah, that letter. Remember me sayin how Laura designed that rug? Well she did... Hold on, I know you're busy, but this can't wait. Did you get that dog yet?... Well, what about your kids, you let them play on that rug?... What I'm gettin at is this. Karl sent me an article from the Washington Post and hold on, I'm gonna read you something. It says The president - that's you - held himself up as an example, sayin that he had not yet renovated the Oval Office and was still usin George W. Bush's furniture, even notin the stains on the carpet. I think you know where I'm headin with this... Well there sure as hell weren't any stains on that rug when I left office, that rug was spotless, so I... I don't think I said anything very funny. Maybe you shouldn't have a nice rug like that if you can't take care of it... Well, kids don't belong in the Oval office for one thing... Are you kidding? I didn't let Barb and Jenna near my office... You've already gotten it cleaned?... It just sounded in the paper like the rug had become some sorta disaster... Yeah, the media is like that, always tryin to create a scandal... Uh huh... Maybe I could come over and take a look for myself next time I happen to be in town... Well, okay... Just call and let me know, or I can call you in a couple weeks, or... okay... okay... bye.

Paulson to write 'tell-all'

Unfortunately, the most exciting thing he has to tell, the pièce de résistance, is apparently going to be "Paulson's rationale for allowing the investment bank, Lehman Brothers, to fail."

Further rifts seen in GOP leadership

After receiving an urgent call from Minority Whip Eric Cantor, House Republicans gathered in a hastily convened meeting for a rare Sunday session, for the purpose of considering a non-binding resolution condemning China for possessing a computer spy system awesome enough to suck the secrets right out of the data banks of 103 countries. Minority leader John Boehner spoke earlier today to FOX News Sunday about the emergency meeting. "The Republican Party does not condone this Chinese foolishness, and although we really hate being characterized as the party of no, we feel compelled to give a thumbs down to this sort of blatant computer hackery. For the Chinese to be fooling around in the all these data banks, and to be caught doing it, is un-American, although I suppose that may sound more than a little obvious, coming at a time when the GOP is trying to make a hard-right from our current course of running over the same carcass time after time, and so I will say tonight that you, the Chinese, cannot be allowed to run roughshod through the world's data, although I will add that, uh... 103? Damn. 103. That's a lot of data banks." "On the plus side, I've got to pause and wonder about the Chinese priorities. I mean... Let me just say that when you're dealing with a very large number of countries, let's say 103, you start encountering a lot of countries that really don't, uh, I hate to use the word insignificant, but come on... I mean, when the president meets with the G-20 this week, you're already stretching it as far as first rate countries go. What, China can has the time to spy on Azerbaijan? Trinidad and Tobago? Good luck with that. Sure hope they don't try and destroy us with all the secrets they stole from tiny Togo. Hey, all you have to do to take over Togo's data bank is break into the presidential hut and steal the National Rolodex. Just saying." Boehner's lack of zeal calls into question the decision to call the special session, which aside from Cantor was attended by only thirteen other House members. Boehner, who did not attend, sheepishly admitted that the ploy might be construed by some as an opportunity to deflect criticism away from the poorly received GOP budget proposal by shifting the blame to China, a charge which Cantor readily admitted. "The Chinese spy system, that's what Boehner told you? That son of a bitch. He's the one who told me to call the session and he didn't even show up. I'm trying to bring new credibility to the Republican Party and he's trying to insinuate that the Chinese spy system is responsible for his lousy budget proposal? Yeah, it sucked the guts right outta that motherfucker, what can I tell you? It coulda been a contender... Well, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be part of this tomfoolery, although I guess I already am part of this tomfoolery since I'm the one who called the goddamn session. Get your weeping towel out, Boehner, cause I'm going to give you something to cry about."

later

never drive a car when you're dead

Tom Waits - 'Telephone call from Istanbul'

peaches

Public service: A summary of the GOP budget proposal

The 19 page GOP budget proposal is here. One annoyance which we should be able to avoid in the short term is the spectacle of lawmakers whining that 'I haven't had time to read it' when they pop up to discuss the document on the news shows. It's a pamphlet, only nineteen pages including the cute little graphics. To anyone used to government boilerplate, this is a really fast read, and for the rest of you, it's a medium fast read. Don't be intimidated by those nineteen dense pages, however; it's easier than you might think. Take a look. Page 1: Cover page. Midnight blue. Very tasteful. Page count 0 Page 2: A letter to the American people. 18 point type allows a couple of lines about your dissipating retirement savings to fill half a page. Then begins a very abbreviated Executive Summary, the type George Bush was so fond of. The bullet points are shown, with theme 1 and the first two bullets closing out the page. If you're keeping score, there are three budget themes: 'Curbs spending', 'Creates Jobs/Lowers Taxes' (I know, but they insisted on three), and 'Controls Debt'. Pretty good themes, eh? Page count .75 Page 3: Why, it's the other four bullet points. Here is bullet 3, 'Lowers Taxes', which is the most important bullet of them all. "Instead of raising taxes on all Americans in the midst of a recession, Republicans seek to reduce the tax burden on working families and small businesses, in order to create jobs and unlock private capital." The page finishes up with signatures from Boehner et al. You'll be pleased to know that page three includes the first of many pictures of circles linked with lines in a strikingly non-causal relationship. And it takes up a lot of space. Page count .5 Page 4: Another cover page. For theme one. Page count 0 Page 5: Limiting the budget. Obama's budget is big, real big, and it's irresponsible, and furthermore, do you know where that money goes? "Millions for reconstruction in the Hamas-controlled Gaza Strip. Labor union bosses participating in a new 'green jobs' program. The National Endowment for the Arts, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Americorps, Title X Family Planning, and a host of spending programs that will do nothing to help our economy recover. And even community organizers, such as ACORN, performing 'neighborhood stabilization'." The 'Republican solution', in two short paragraphs, is to not spend that money. If this was my pamphlet, I would call that an 'alternative' rather than a 'solution', since there's no bonus points for consistency. A nice chunk of space rounds out the page. Page count .75 Page 6: Health care and entitlements. Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are going broke, and while the cost goes through the roof, you're going to see your bureaucratically controlled health care go to hell. "Consider 12-year-old Deamonte Driver who literally died in 2007 from a tooth infection—the result of months-long waits for care in Maryland’s Medicaid program." A full page of text, but not a hint of any GOP ideas. Page count 1 Page 7: Another full page of the misery that awaits you. ("It is a death sentence for me. I feel absolutely gutted because there is no way I can find that sort of money. My life is dependent on getting this drug and without it I will die…") Whew! That quote was from a citizen of England, but that doesn't mean it won't happen here. GOP ideas 0. Page count 1 page 8: The welcome return of the circle line pictures, and their trusty side-kick 'blank space'. And 'Republican solutions' so vaporous as to be easily inhalable - health care tax incentives, more quality, the right to buy insurance across state lines, and the ever popular "penalties for trial lawyers who file frivolous lawsuits". None of which would seem to do much for those failing entitlement programs that they just spent two of their valuable pages on. Just saying. But there is a reluctant recognition of the growing disparity in living standards - "Republicans support the notion that wealthy seniors like Warren Buffett and George Soros can afford to pay $2 per day more for their Medicare prescription drug coverage." Page count .6 Page 9: Yay! Cover page, point two. Page count 0 Page 10: Lower taxes. You might have heard about this page on the news, because it has an actual proposal on it - tax cuts! with a top rate of 25% (down from 38%), fix the Alternate Minimum tax, and for God's sake, cut those capital gains, whydoncha? Oh yeah, and some new business tax cuts. And no more death tax either. You might think that since this is an actual proposal, there would be something in here about how to pay for that, but come on, this pamphlet only has nine pages left to go, give me a break. Page count 1 Page 11: Keeps energy costs low. Exhausted from composing the previous page, the GOP falls back on their standard boilerplate about what energy dicks the Dems are, even including the old chestnut about how Senator Kennedy doesn't want any windmills where he sails. And the Dems will increase your energy cost by $3,128 a year. Page count 1 Page 12: Not kidding, the Dems will increase your energy costs $3,128 friggin dollars a year. Followed by a nice chunk of blank space. Followed by the 'Republican solution'. Does anybody remember the phrase 'Drill baby drill'? Nuclear power is pretty swell too. Page count .75 Page 13: Oh yeah, oil shale. And that'll do it. Page 13 includes the very best of the circle and line pictures, going all the way down before veering off to the right. One of the circles has an oil rig inside it, and one has a solar panel. Page count .2 Page 14: Cover page, point three. Page count 0 Page 15: End the bailouts / Reform the financial system. Fannie and Freddie broke the economy, with the aid of Barney Frank and Chris Dodd. And Jimmy Carter, way back in 1977, with his Community Reinvestment Act, and then, I dunno, things got crazy and there was this TARP, and the blunt truth is that the Feds can't afford to keep saving everybody. Page count 1 Page 16: What I just said, cause "If losses are socialized, it is likely that profits will soon be as well, meaning Americans will no longer be free, not just to fail, but to succeed." 'Republican solution': Here is a guaranteed winner - "Ensure that this crisis never occurs again". And we need less control (i.e. regulation) of financial institutions. Put them on their best behavior instead. And no more bailouts. Ever. Page count .75 Page 17: As previously mentioned, Fannie and Freddie are bad, and so are all Government Sponsored Enterprises, so de-charter them, privatize them, and let them fail in the open market place, that's how you reform the financial system. Bonus points: One of the circles has a happy family inside of it. Page count .25 Page 18: Keep the cost of living low. The Fed is printing money like it owns the printing press, and whoa boy, inflation is right around the corner, this is going to be just like Jimmy Carter, maybe even double Jimmy Carter. 'Republican solution': Prevent runaway inflation, and remember "Republicans support maintaining the cost of living after witnessing the booms and busts triggered by loose monetary policy." Page count 1 Page 19: Blank. Back of pamphlet. Page count 0 And that, my friends, is the Republican budget proposal. Actual page count: 9.55, number of main points 3, number of bullets 6, number of circles 27. They must be proud.

Preview: 'Party of Yes'

“Welcome to the next installment of the party of yes." - Mike Pence, Chair of the House Republican Conference Never mind the fact that you might have missed the previous installment of 'Party of Yes'. It wasn't all that enthralling, really, by and large the commercials were more entertaining than the show itself. As a matter of fact, even if you've missed the entire season of 'Party of Yes' thus far, you can probably enjoy it just as much or perhaps even more than a longtime viewer. As the old NBC slogan used to say during rerun season, 'If you haven't seen it, it's new to you'. There's really no arguing with that logic. It's not complicated like 'Lost', other than the many humorous connotations that comparison might give rise to. Miss an episode of 'Lost' and you're left scratching your head and wondering what the hell you missed. Not so with 'Party of Yes', which plays by the simple rules that host Rep. Pence lays out at the beginning of the show. In short, there's this group of charismatic survivors, (which is only superficially similar to 'Lost' insofar as they are only described as being charismatic), who discover that the only way to survive on their metaphorical island is for them to adapt an attitude of preemptive positivity towards 'the Others'. And so this stalwart crew decide that they will henceforth say yes: yes 'to better solutions', and yes to 'alternatives that will resonate with millions of Americans'. This may sound more than a little bit shocking to those who did watch the previous installment, and heretical to those who have bothered to follow the entire season. As a matter of fact, it may sound as though the show has done quite a bit more than simply change it's name from 'The Obstructionists!' to 'Party of Yes'; it seems to have changed it's entire premise from the gritty story of a group of charismatic survivors who discover that the only way for them to survive on their metaphorical island is to fight tooth and nail against every corrupting proposal for survival that the Others dare make. And to an extent, that sense of a radical shift is true, because the new episode reveals a dramatic twist, a revelation that Pence reveals in the opening scene. "Contrary to the [Others'] straw man diversions, Republicans do have our own ideas." Whoa! Do I have your attention yet? Prior to airtime, co-star Eric Cantor went a little deeper into the sort of intrigue that awaits the viewer, an evolving scenario wherein Obama (leader of the Others) finds out that the survivors not only have their own ideas, but may have a plan as well. "First of all, the president knows different when he says that we don’t have a plan," Cantor explains, careful not to reveal too much. "And I think he would tell you, if he was being accurate... ahhh, let's just say I think he would tell you many things, many shocking and disturbing things, and let me just say yes, there will be a smoke monster."

the king

I was born to be king. That’s just the way it is. I don’t make the rules, I just try to live by them. There is something inherently regal about wearing a crown. I don’t know what it is, but the chicks really dig it. See, sometimes I go out in public, wearing a disguise – it’s my special not the king outfit – and I ask them. Point blank. “Hey pretty lady,” I’ll slip into the conversation, “You know the king?" "Whadaya think about the king?” Nine times out of ten, they’ll say they dig him. Me, that is. The one out of ten that doesn’t like me, who cares. I usually don’t even have them killed. You shouldn’t be punished just for having bad taste, that’s what I think, and I’m the king. You ever hear of a meal fit to serve a king? That’s what I had for dinner last night. I’ll bet good money that’s what I have again tonight. Or, I dunno, I might have Chinese. The king. I’m the friggin king. _____________ the archives 2003

God considering Steele for run

God indicated tonight that he might be open to the possibility of Michael Steele running for president, after the RNC Chairman observed that if a Steele campaign was something that the Deity was really interested, he also would be 'down with it'. "God has a way of revealing stuff to you, and making it real for you, through others," Steele told CNN. "And if that's part of the plan, it'll be the plan... It'll be because that's where God wants me to be at that time." "I haven't picked my finalists at this point," said God, speaking from an undisclosed location. "Eric Cantor is a strong up-and-comer, and you've got to admit that Bobby Jindal is a keeper. You know, I was really high on Sarah Palin for a while, but honestly, sometimes when I hear her these days, I really have to strain to remember exactly why it was that I created woman." "Steele, he could be a real contender. I'm pretty wild about the whole hip-hop Republican thing, I never would have thought that one up in my wildest dreams. Still, for the big race, from the cosmic irony point of view, I'm not quite ready to give up on The Maverick. I'm just thinking that it would be major fun to have John McCain lose one more time."

box full of girl

The Sonics - 'Psycho'

after the pay-back

It was tough. I've got to tell you the truth, I was pretty bummed about giving all that money back. I mean, I've only been at AIG a little over a year, so a hundred grand is a hard thing for me to let go of, but between Cuomo and the Feds, I just had to say 'Okay. You win'. But then, I guess you guys were under the same sort of pressure that I was, so you can relate to how I feel.

Wow, Patrick, you got pressured into giving up a hundred grand? Look at you, dude. So, I guess that maybe I should feel three times as bad as you, since I had to give back three hundred grand.

Aw, Jeez, I'm sorry Fenton. I didn't have any idea. Three hundred grand, that is three times as bad. Lunch is on me, pal, you've been screwed. By the way, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been working at AIG to pull in a bonus that size?

Less than three years, Bateman. You've got to understand, it's not about seniority, it's all about performance, and I guess my performance was three times as non-valuable as yours.

I would imagine so, Fenton. My first full year and I end up losing nearly two hundred million. But I bet a lot of places wouldn't have even given me a bonus, so I'm just proud to have something to give back.

Listen to Mr. Brightside, I'm just proud to have something to give back. Well, I guess that I should feel three times as proud as you, since I lost nearly six hundred million.

Son of a bitch, Fenton, you're a regular captain of industry. You must be bursting with pride. I see a vice presidency in your future.

Forget it, Bateman, I'm just a piker. Krauthammer - and this is just his second year - lost a cool three billion dollars. Tell him how much you had to give back, Krauthammer... Come on, Krauthammer, if you're so shy, just write down the size of your bonus on a card and show it to Bateman.

What's the matter, Bateman? Cat got your tongue? Surprised to see how much a true performer can be force to give back?

This... This seems impossible... Krauthammer, you really got a three and a half billion dollar bonus?

Sorry, guess I added a few extra zeros to it. I never was all that good with numbers. Still, having to pay back a three and a half million bonus is not too shabby for a PR man.

But... our PR is terrible!

Oh yes, Bateman, the very worst. Maybe you're proud of losing a few million dollars, but I like to think that I'm responsible for losing AIG's ability to carry on as a viable financial enterprise.

My guess, Bateman, is that if you only got a bonus of a hundred grand, your head is already on the chopping block. Sorry, buddy, but I'm afraid you're going to have to work just a little bit harder if you want to attract any attention around this company.

Speaking of the chopping blocks, I've got a couple savings cuts of my own that might just get me a little attention.

Forget it, Bateman, nobody at AIG needs advice from a psycho like you. Come on, Krauthammer, I'll buy you a drink.

Sounds good, Fenton, but I'm the guy with the big check, so I'm buying. Honestly, though, sometimes it seems like they'll hire anyone around here

six more weeks of winter

'Governor Palin issues advisories for Mount Redoubt'? Jesus, what are the odds of that? A volcano right here in the United States? Jesus. And just when I was starting to feel okay about showing my face in public once again... Jesus. I could of stuck with the pig odor benchmark, but no, I thought volcanoes were funnier...

Twitter downgraded

Twitter like haiku vision as refreshing as a warm glass of milk Twitter, the social-networking tool that's become the drug of choice among the chattering class, was officially pronounced 'uncool' today, following an incident where Adriel Hampton became the first politician running for national office to twitter his official notice of candidacy. "I've seen this coming for a long time," said Henry Flagston, a once avid user of the technology who now says that he's ready to hang up his thumbs. "The cable news shows where they ask you to twitter them your comments, like what's that about? It's like you're being rated or something, somebody's got to pick you... And I've got to say, I saw this video a couple weeks ago, it's got, like, John McCain, and he's at some Senate hearing or something and he's got the Blackberry pulled out, all hunched over and he's just twittering away... and I tell you, it kind of made me feel a little bit dirty somehow, and... I thought about giving it up then but this Hampton guy, I don't know, forget about it. This is uncool."

Cheney strikes back at Obama criticism

In addition to serving up a biting criticism of the current president, the latest broadside from former Vice President Dick Cheney effectively reasserted his position as the philosophical leader of the Republican Party. "Barack Obama went before the American people on '60 Minutes' last night and finally showed his true colors," Cheney told FOX News. "Laughing like a hyena, he was, as if there was something amusing about the unprecedented financial crisis into which he has dragged this country. It was embarrassing to watch. I'm not laughing, the American people aren't laughing, why was Barack Obama laughing? Does he see something amusing about thousands of executives across the land losing their jobs or taking pay cuts? We found out the other day that he seems to find Down Syndrome amusing, so I'm not likely to be surprised at any level of misery that might tickle his funny bone." "I'll remind you of what the president said when Steve Kroft asked him if he was punch-drunk last night," Cheney continued, "as though being drunk on national television wasn't shocking enough in and of itself. Obama said it was 'gallows humor' that gets him through the day. Gallows humor. Think about that for a moment. The economy has a noose around it's neck, and this socialist demagogue is getting a big drunken laugh out of it." Cheney was also unamused by Obama's criticism of his own latest condemnations, questioning the propriety of a sitting president responding negatively to what he termed "helpful advice from someone older, wiser, and far more experienced than he'll ever be". "I think that it should send a shiver down the spine of every thinking American when you see the character of a private citizen such as myself subjected to a vicious attack by the President of the United States. I would imagine, however, that Barack Obama sees the situation quite differently. I would imagine that he finds it amusing to go on national television and threaten the reputation of the man responsible for keeping America from being attacked again after 911 and whose work he is frantically scrambling to undo. Either that or he has a funny way of showing bipartisanship."

good old bad guys

As exciting as today's baron robbers can be, they lack a certain something, and that absence makes it hard to sustain interest. They're interchangeable, for one thing, making it hard to differentiate between a Ken Lewis hard to tell from an Ed Libby - it's all too dependent on what rock the lockstep press has turned over that day. Contrast that to the golden days of OJ, that bad bad man. Even towards the end he was HiDef entertainment, and I find myself wanting to go back, back into my bottomless archives and dig out a piece from January 2007, back when you could just really want to kill a man. Somebody give me a Bronco...

-from the archives...

Angered by an order from LA County Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg to limit his spending to "ordinary and necessary living expenses," O.J. Simpson has announced plans to pay Fred Goldman "every goddamn cent of the 33.5 million that the punk-ass motherfucker wants." "I am so sick of that asshole that I could just scream," claims Simpson, who was recently told by the court to put back a large bag of Cheetos and to buy the store brand instead. "Who the hell is Fred Goldman to tell me that while Schlitz may be ordinary, Heineken is an extravagance? Jesus Fucking Christ, I am going to pay that blankety-blank back if it takes me all year. I'm playing all my cards, and by Christmas he's gonna have a payday, and I'm gonna have an even bigger payday, and you know what? He can kiss my black ass." First up on Simpson's 'Get Fred Off My Back' campaign will be a new book that details the many ways that he would like to torture and kill a fictional character by the name of Fred Silverman. The book is to be issued by Empire Press in April. "It's a good book, a real good book," says Simpson. "It's about this money-grubbing Jew that everybody hates, and for real good reasons too. He rapes his son, he urinates on kittens, he's just a really rotten vile sonuvabitch who's also extremely ugly and who deserves to die in the worst, most brutal way possible. The hero makes sure that happens, right in the middle of Chapter Three. But here's where it gets real good. It's kind of like 'Rashomon', because you've got four witnesses to the slaying, so Silverman gets killed again in Chapter Five, once more in Chapter Eight, then again Chapter Nine and Chapter Fourteen And everybody remembers the bloody details, but they all remember them differently, so just what is the truth? Oh, and Chapters Ten through Thirteen are a love story, where the hero meets a really fine piece of ass." Concurrent with the book release, Simpson will begin shooting the new Oliver Stone movie (tentatively titled 'O.J.'), in which he'll play the title role. "It's got action, romance, even some comedy, like when I'm making 'The Naked Gun', and I have to give Leslie Nielson an emergency appendectomy and the only tool I have is a fork." "Then I'm giving back to the community. I'm working on a rap album with all the baddest cats in the business. I've got Dre, I've got the Neptunes, even Kanye helped out on one track. Boom boom, boom boom. Man, if I don't make 33.5 million by Christmas, something is really wrong with the system."

no special interest here

Hey, he might be Majority Leader of the Senate, but Harry Reid has his own constituency to worry about too. So just because Nevada Senator Reid helped shepherd the current Stimulus Package into law, that doesn't mean there aren't parts of it that give him angina, such as the "nonsensical" regulations which bar stimulus recipients from holding events in casinos. That's crazy. Which is exactly what Reid tells President Obama in a 'public letter' describing this wacky prohibition. (A 'public letter' is an op-ed that all of the name papers turn down). For example "The Department of Justice-Office on Violence Against Women's Transition Housing Assistance Program (oh for heaven's sake, just call it DOJOVAWTHAP and be done with it) offers funding to provide victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking supportive services such as short-term housing assistance." I'll bet you can guess what comes next. "In many Nevada rural communities the only hotel rooms available are in casinos." Bingo! Now I've never been to Vegas and I've only driven through Nevada, so I can't say with 100% certainty that Reid is full of crap, but I just googled Holiday Inns near Vegas and found 18 of em, along with 15 La Quintas, and I'm willing to bet there are some Red Roof Inns as well, and I'm willing to double down on my bet that they don't advertise 'Come on in, we'll keep a table open for you'. And one more thing, "The overly broad restriction deprives victims of a safe place away from their attackers," yeah, that thing, maybe you've got a point there, cause I can't think of any place safer to protect a woman from a mad dog spouse than inside of a Vegas casino.

The new Spring season unveiled

the Leno fallout

source pic here "Hey Bobby, you in here listenin to El Rushbo? What the heck's he goin on bout today?" "What's the matter, Bartholomew, having trouble hearing the show out in the garage?" "C'mon, Bobby, you know we're trying to get the timin fixed on Mr. Eddy's Mercedes. And if we can't get that motor pitched to go from a whisper to a scream in half a footstep, that man'll beat the livin tar out of us." "Maybe he does get a little violent, Bart, but other than the thrashings, Mr. Eddy is a damn good customer, so make it perfect for him. Remember, last time he gave you a C-note. He gets that fucking car of his tuned up twice a month, practically keeps us in business." "Well... So what was Rush talkin bout anyhow? I could hear ya in here laughin your fool head off." "Ah, shit, you probably had to hear it for yourself... You heard about Barack Obama going on the Leno show a couple nights ago, right? It seems that Jay asked him about the bowling alley in the White House..." "Sonuvabitch, they got a goddang bowlin alley in the fuckin White House? When did that shit go down? What the hell they doin puttin a fuckin bowlin alley in the White House in the middle of a goddam depression? I'll bet old Rush ripped Obama a new asshole... Motherfucker should be impeached." "Now hold on a second, Bart. To be fair about it, Obama didn't put the bowling alley in the White House. That sucker was built a long time ago for old Tricky Dick Nixon." "Fuckin crook." "Yep. Anyway, so Leno asks him about it, and Obama says he's been learning to bowl, and he brags that he - get this - he brags that he rolled himself a 121." "No way! 121! What a fuckin retard! You know that babblin red-haired half-wit bastard of Becky Sue Lawford's? Petey, the one I'm all the time chasin away from the used hubcap shed? I'll bet that little cretin could bowl 121 in a heartbeat." "Bless his pointed little head, I'm thinking Petey could pick up 130 at least." "Hoo, hoo, hoo... Jeez. What does Rush bowl?" "He didn't say, but I'll bet it's nothing as retarded as 121. But then there was more to the story. Obama tells Leno that it wasn't like he was in the special Olympics." "Special Olympics? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Ain't all the Olympics special? I'm sayin, they just have em bout ever four years or so." "Yeah, well, you're right, that wasn't supposed to be funny, and Rush got all pissed as shit." "Cause Obama bowls like a fag?" "No, I don't think so, though he might just have been too polite to ridicule the President's bowling score, cause, you know, that's a direct reflection on the whole country." "Oh yeah, thanks a lot Hussein, now the whole goddam world thinks that America can't bowl. Shit... So what the hell was Rush gettin mad about, anyhow?" "Well, as best as I can figure out, there's some sort of event where they gather up all the slow kids together and have them try to do the Olympic sports." "Jeez, that's retarded. You mean they have all those little mongoloids out there pole-vaultin and shit?" "Yeah, I gather so. Craziest thing I ever heard of. I mean, like little Petey, he might be able to bowl, but I wouldn't let him within ten yards of a javelin." "Goddam right about that... Still, I tell ya what. I think if I had enough beers, I'd pay cash money to see those Special Olympics. That'd be funnier than shit. I'm gonna go." "Well, I think that was kinda Rush's point, he's turning into one of those politically correct asswipes. But he was saying that you shouldn't even be looking at the short bus kids cause it might hurt their mama's feelings." "Yeah, well... fuck Rush. I'm goin."

so little to ask

"I'd be happy if I could grow just one carrot on my rooftop - but still..." - Dana Perino, Politico

surely you jest

Joe the Bummer

So a plumber walks into a bar, okay, maybe it was a banquet room but I'm sure there was a bar in there somewhere because the other customers celebrants people in the room were applauding Samuel Wurzelbacher for chrissake, and the jukebox was playing 'God Bless the USA'. The event was Media Research Center's 'DisHonors' Awards, where high-powered conservative celebrities like George Allen, G Gordon Liddy, and Brit Hume gather to celebrate "the most outrageously biased liberal reporting of the year". Among this years winners were Chris Matthews and the always dependable Bill Maher. "We are here to love them [the news media] as much as they love us," said MC Brent Bozell the Third, oblivious as always that folks such as him and Brit, and yes, even G Gordon Liddy are actually a part of the media. "When covering the White House, reporters ought not need kneepads." Ought not indeed, Brent, extraneous kneewear is always a bit of a turn-off in the big leagues. It's not surprising that Joe the Plumber was there for a comedic walk-on. It's similar to seeing Gary Coleman hawking 'Cash Call', you figure 'well, I'm glad to see the little sucker is getting a payday'. And the paydays haven't been all that fruitful for Wurzelbacher. No regular TV gigs ever materialized, the web think kinda petered out, and his book sits in a warehouse growing mold. Even his latest project, the country album everyone though was a natural, has been unable to obtain distribution, with those who have heard it dismissing it as 'too depressing'. So Joe climbs the stage to a smattering of applause, scans the room to see if Sarah is out there somewhere, and boldly tells the audience "God, all this love and everything in the room - I'm horny." There are a few laughs, not many but more than you would expect, and some of the more sophisticated among the attendees know that, yes, this much is true, Joe is horny, and why would he not be? How could he not be? Joe is too depressing. 'Where are the groupies?' Wurzelbacher wonders, as he stretches to fill his ninety seconds, making a feeble joke about his 'token redneck' status, but knowing in his heart that even this is only half true.

Yer Friday Funk

George Clinton & The Red Hot Chili Peppers - 'Hollywood (Africa)'

a little travelling music

World Party - 'Ship of Fools'

a busy day on the ship of fools

In an effort to recoup the symbolically priceless AIG bonuses, the House is working itself into a frenzy today in order to swiftly complete legislation which they all must surely know is most likely illegal, but which they feel certain is guaranteed to bring a temporary smile to the faces of their constituents. Rep. Charlie Rangel sponsored the bill currently under debate, which would tax the 'retention' bonuses at the 90% rate and would come with a free annual IRS audit for each recipient as long as they live. “This is not going to happen again,” Rangel said, summing up the prevailing mood despite the fact that everybody knows that 'this is going to happen again'. But wait, is that a light at the end of the tunnel? “The light is flashing and letting them know that America won’t take it,” Rangel concluded, without irony considering that the gist of his bill is that America will take ninety percent of it. Which makes Minority Leader John Boehner mad as hell, because he doesn't want ninety percent, ninety-nine and a half just won't do, he wants it all and he wants it now. And so, as a matter of principal, Boehner pledged to vote against Rangel's plan, which he dismisses as a 'sham', a real pantywaist of a proposal, totally unworthy of his vote. Besides, the Republicans were offering a much better strategy of their own - a bill that would require Geitner "to devise a plan within two weeks to get all the bonus money back." Now aside from the little Constitutional problem with the whole 'separation of powers' nonsense, I've got to say this is a plan that would make Homer Simpson proud, because it is the laziest-ass plan conceivable, a 'not my problem' kind of plan, a plan to require somebody else make a plan. (And it has the extra added advantage of turning Geitner into a somewhat more exciting villain if things doesn't work out). Alas, an angry Congress acted so swiftly and decisively that your loyal reporter didn't even have time to complete writing this piece before the die was cast. Rangel's bill passed 328-93, allowing the majority of the House to go home dreaming about that fine day in March when once and for all, they stuck it to the man. Boehner's proposal, drafted on a single 3x5 card, never saw the light of day, and now lies crumpled, like so many other dreams before it, lies unnoticed on the hallowed floor of the House of Representatives. John Boehner, a single tear moistening the cheek of his still upheld head, exits the building and walks swiftly down the Capitol stairs. "We did stick it to the man today," he mutters, "just not to the right man."

the fatal glass of beer

Fear and loathing for the best and brightest

America's new favorite CEO, Ed Liddy of AIG, has told Rep. Barney Frank that he really really really doesn't want to turn over names of bonus recipients out of fear they will be slaughtered in their sleep. "I would hope that it doesn't take a subpoena," he explained, directly after Frank had said he was prepared to do just that. "I'm just really concerned about their safety". Liddy then read what he claimed were examples of death threats that AIG employees had received lately from disgruntled citizens, including one missive that said bonus recipients should be executed with piano wire around their necks. Damn. I guess anyone with a little bit of imagination could whip up a few good death threats, but piano wire seems a little prosaic even to me. And don't you need a "will be executed" instead of a "should be executed' to make it a meaningful threat? I mean, I think Rush Limbaugh should be boiled in oil, but saying so doesn't make my words particularly menacing. You know, serious death threats are the sort of thing that are best turned over to the FBI, so if Liddy is really concerned about these employees, and if these death threats are anything more than some guy in the AIG PR department's fevered imagination, I sure hope that he's already turned the incriminating info over to them. Oh, but I guess that would involve him having to reveal the names of the potential victims, so I guess that option is out. I wonder if Liddy would be willing to turn over the names of the eleven $1,000,000+ retention incentive winners who decided to leave AIG soon after they got their bonus checks. Treacherous traitors, right Liddy? After all, they're not your problem anymore, and better yet, they could serve as examples to keep the rest of the talent in line.

The Maureen Dowd Phrase That Pays

The Maureen Dowd phrase that pays is “Never bolt the door with a boiled carrot.” Dowd usage: "As he watches the fury of ordinary Americans bubble up at those who continue to plunder our economy, he should keep in mind one of my dad’s favorite Gaelic sayings: 'Never bolt the door with a boiled carrot'.” Common usage: N/A Origin: Head reeling after her fifth bong hit, fourteen year old Maureen popped open another of her father's Budweiser tall boys and turned 'Between the Buttons' up full blast, knowing that since it was the old man's bowling night she need take only minimal security precautions to avoid discovery.

a little holiday music

Shane McGowan and The Popes 'Irish Rover'

Saint Paddy's Day at the White House

New doubts have arisen about the authenticity of President Obama's Irish ancestry after Michelle Obama had the White House decorated in a way that would bring shame to the cheeks of Saint Patrick himself. Not content to merely dye the White House fountain green, Ms Obama had enormous figures representing the 'Jolly Green Giant' and the 'Inflatable Hulk' placed in front of the nation's house. "Maybe she can try and blame it on a few toddies, but the truth comes out when the spirit goes in," remarked obnoxious Irishman Bill O'Reilly. "And the truth is, Barack and Michelle Obama don't know the first thing about being Irish. Just because happens to be green, that doesn't make it Irish. Give me a freakin' break." "Tis a rare day, but I find I must agree with you, O'Reilly," said fellow potato-head Chris Matthews, as the two stood glumly at the gates of the White House, sadly gazing at the befouled grounds. "Good God, man, where is the shamrock? Where is the bloody Leprechaun? Where is the outrage?" "Don't let your heart be troubled, lad," replied O'Reilly, bitterly biting into his haggis on rye. "Turn me on at eight o'clock, and you'll hear outrage aplenty." "The truth comes out when the spirit goes in," Matthews mused. "There's really a lot of truth in those words. That said, just watch me at seven o'clock to see what a real Irish drubbing looks like. You think I could have a bite of that sandwich?" Michelle Obama has refused to apologize for the vulgar display, saying that the Hulk and Giant were the only two inflatable green ornaments she could find in the White House holiday closet, and that she had wanted to put something up for the kids. "They always had giant inflatable figures in Chicago," Ms Obama said, "so the American people can put up with it until next year when I can buy the kids a flying Nun." "Granted, a unicorn might have been nice," she explained, "but there's a recession going on, and I felt that I should just make do this year with what the previous occupants had left behind. There was a giant inflatable broccoli that George Bush Senior had purchased for the White House, but I didn't feel like I should use something that was so intimately associated with the Jewish High Holidays." The President and First Lady plan to spend St. Patrick night trolling the neighborhood for green beer.

Read with Hulk

-from the archives

Hello boys and girls. Greetings from Hulk. Hulk read new book yesterday. What? Surprised that Hulk read, because Hulk talk funny? This is Hulk schtick. In reality, Hulk is brilliant scientist. Hulk read collected works of Coulter, Goldberg, and Hannity. Hulk have big library. Yesterday Hulk read funny book, 'Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed'. Book suitable for all age 5 and up, including Hulk. What book about? Hulk tell you. Book about Tommy and Lou who live in run down city called Liberaltown, filled with lemon trees and secularists. Very bad, but more sad news. Tommy and Lou have no swing set. Hulk shed tear. What to do? Boys think and think under big lemon tree. Then they hear song popular from back in youth of Hulk. Mister Trini Lopez. Lemon tree very pretty Lemon flower smell sweet But fruit of poor lemon Impossible to eat Smash lemon! Smash! Smash! Ha, lemonade! Boys victorious! Everybody want it. Thriving business, best lemonade in town. Now can buy swing set, and shoes for poor barefoot children. Good boys. Hang picture of Jesus on lemon tree. What happen next? Alert - anger coming. Mayor Leach finds out about lemonade stand and take half of Tommy and Lou money. ARRGGHHH! Taxes! Liberal mayor say he take better care of shoeless children then boys can. What he buy? Dustpans! Hulk not understand how children wear dustpans on feet. Then what? ACLU lawyer stop by and make Tommy and Lou take down picture of Jesus. Make boys put up picture of big toe instead. ARRGGHHH! Hulk filled with rage. Hulk tear book in fifty pieces and stomp it. Then Hulk have to buy another copy, after Hulk calm down. Hulk want to see revenge of boys. Can things get worse? Hulk know answer. Yes. Hillary Clinton come and makes boys sell broccoli with lemonade. Hulk like broccoli, but Hulk believe in free market economics. Hillary institutes broccoli tax. Now lemonade five dollars. ARRGGHHH! Now only rich liberals get to buy lemonade and savory broccoli. Oh no, here come Teddy Kennedy, belly bigger than Hulk. Why he here? Kennedy not like lemonade, Kennedy like scotch. He plan to destroy lemonade. Pass law that only one spoon of sugar in pitcher. ARRGGHHH! PTUI! Lemonade now taste like crap. Jimmy Carter laugh and laugh, oh, oh, help mommy, help, help, oh, oh... What? All a dream? Whew... Hulk like book by Katharine DeBrecht very much, but not for the weak of heart. Hulk give it four Hulk stars out of five.

When AIG staffers dream

Monday afternoon, in the offices of Glengarry Corporate Recruitments

You know, Boss, not to be presumptuous, but if I were in your shoes, I think I'd be trying to snap up some of that high quality AIG talent.

I'm one step ahead of you, Duncan. As a matter of fact, that's the solitary reason for this hastily called meeting; to announce that Glengarry is getting ready to do some high quality headhunting.

If I may say so, that is indeed some superior headhunting that you've got your eyes on. It's common knowledge that AIG has had to really pad their budget in order to retain the proven leaders that they've groomed.

That's why we're going to have ourselves a little contest and see who can recruit the best and brightest AIG has to offer. We want to put particular emphasis on the highly specialized staff from their award winning financial products unit.

That's some enormous talent they've got, Boss. I guess you know that every major financial firm in New York City wants to get there hands on the AIG superstars. So how do we compete?

Good question, Flannigan, and one you better figure out quickly, because this contest begins tomorrow morning the moment they... what time do they start answering the phones over at AIG, Betty?

Tenish... Ten-thirty at the latest.

The contest will start at precisely ten-thirty tomorrow morning. You've got three days to show me who can bring in the most AIG talent. Friday morning we'll meet back here in my office to discuss the results.

Whoa, whoa, we need to set some ground rules here. I'm assuming we can offer them something more attractive than our regular new hire package. I mean, this is the best and brightest we're going after, right Boss? Can we offer them bonuses?

As I mentioned earlier, AIG has had to pay plenty to keep that caliber of talent working at their shit-hole of a business, so you've got to give us some chips if we're expected to play.

Hell yeah, you can offer them bonuses. Big frigging ones, too. We don't have to worry about the Feds breathing down our back like those poor saps over at AIG. The way I see it, the best and brightest of theirs are ripe for the picking now that they've run their company into a ditch that they won't be getting out anytime soon. They can't pay anymore. It won't be long before they're rupturing talent.

The best and brightest of their talent. Right, Boss. I'm going to be on that phone tomorrow at ten-thirty sharp, and I won't take no for an answer. I won't stop until I've scored us some superstars!

Let's see if you can put those words into action, Buttkiss. All right, listen up. We're adding a little something extra to this month's headhunting contest. Instead of your usual semi-annual bonuses, we're going to have prizes instead. And you'll be excited to know that first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado.

In what corner of hell is a Cadillac Eldorado equivalent to my semi-annual bonus?

It's not even remotely equivalent, Higgins, but we need your bonus money for recruiting those highly specialized AIG staffers. Maybe you'll be able to generate a little more excitement when I tell you that second prize is this lovely set of steak knives.

Oh... Those are pretty nice...

Oh man, third prize is really going to suck...

I've seen this movie before, you fools. Third prize is going to be a pink slip.

This is not a movie, Higgins. Third prize means that you get to keep your job. But everybody else is going to get fired. To show you how this is going to get done, earlier this morning while you were all hobnobbing around the coffee machine, I went out and hired three of AIG's best and brightest headhunters.

That was cold.

I think if I put my mind to it, I just might be able to win those steak knives.