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Gil Scott Heron, Jazz & Original Rap Great, RIP

23 bottles of beer on the bus,

Hey! Why did we stop? We've still got 23 bottles of beer on the bus!

Sorry, lady, but there's a couple of guys here who say this is as far as you're going to go.

We'll just see about that! Nobody stops Sarah Palin's forward progress.

Howdy, sexy grandma. I'm Tiny. You out takin' a little Sunday stroll?

I am not a grandma.

Mother! You are too!

I'm thinkin' ya'll might be lost. Is that what it is, sweetheart? Ya'll lookin' for Bloomingdales?

No, we were just...

Willow, he said sweetheart, so I believe the gentleman was addressing me. We are here to ride in Rolling Thunder.

Not in that bus, you ain't. Where's your hogs?

We... We have no hogs.

We actually do have a couple of bikes but they're back in Alaska and...

Hush, Todd, they're called hogs, and you are not being helpful.

Well, I'd be more than happy to have the cute one ride with me.

Really? Mom, would it be okay if...

Quiet, Willow, he said the cute one, so I assume that he was talking to me. Sure, I'll ride with you. Can I call you Booger?

Nah, that's gross. Call me Ernie.

Ernie? That's a weird biker name... Could I ride with you, Mister Tiny?

Sure thing, sexy grandma.

Oh boy, this is gonna be great! Todd, keep an eye on Willow and I'll meet you in a couple hours at the Washington Monument.

But I want to...

Come on, Willow. Let's walk up the mall and I'll treat us to a couple of snow cones...

'fire in the belly' diagnosed as hot flashes

"Nothing to worry about," says personal physician, "except, you
know, uh, never mind."

da man

"There he be, standing right there in front of you. Who da man?"   "You're the man, Paul."   "It's you da man, Eric, not you're the man."   "Even Newt Gingrich is kissin his butt now. Who da man?"   "You da man, Paul, but you know, if Newt Gingrich was kissing my butt, it would make me feel kind of sleazy."   "Even Dick Cheney be singin his praises now, tellin the peeps that he worships the ground that Paul Ryan struts his Stacy Adams on. Who da man?"   "You da fucking man, Paul, although it must strike you as a bit ironic that just a few years ago Dick Cheney was saying that Ronald Reagan proved that deficits don't matter."   "You're a little jealous, aren't you Cantor? You're jealous of all the attention I've been getting, people telling me I should run for president and everything. Except for Dick Cheney. He says he hopes I don't run for president because that would ruin a good man who's got a lot of important work to do. You're jealous of me, aren't you?"   "Huh. I've got no reason to be jealous, Ryan. A lot of people have told me I should run for president, too."   "Name one."   "Google it, asshole."   "I have, Cantor. Who da man? Who da man?"   "I am not jealous. Just wait until people get a whiff of my new jobs agenda and we'll see who gets all the attention."   "I'm fascinated. Tell me more."   "Well, first of all, it cuts the top tax bracket from 35 to 25% for individuals and corporations."   "Uh huh."   "Not only that, but it eliminates all taxes on money that corporations make overseas and pays for it by eliminating special interest tax breaks like the mortgage deduction."   "Uh huh."   "And it gets rid of burdensome government regulations, and overhauls the patent laws and encourages new drilling and lots of other good stuff."   "Uh huh. So that sounds like a lot of old ideas that we wanted to do anyway. What's new about it?"   "What's new about it? I'm calling it a jobs agenda. Democrats will have to vote for it if it's called a jobs agenda. Pure genius. Who's the man now?"   "I'm afraid da man would still be me, Cantor. You can't just call something a jobs agenda when it's not. That's totally transparent. And lame."   "What? You introduced a bill to dismantle Medicare and called it Medicare reform."   "Listen closer. I said you can't just call something a jobs agenda when it's not. Obviously I'm a little better at marketing than you."   "I know I can sell this thing. I've already talked to..."   "Can't hear ya, got my earbuds in, gettin down with a little Public Enemy slammin it old school."   "You can't just blow off..."   "Da man be blowin you off, shortie. Talk to me when ya got somethin real to deal."

Mediscare

"...so I've got the ball, and Cantor is coming at me fast, so I give him a look like this, like I'm going to drive towards the basket, and he pauses just long for me to jump, and bingo, three points. Fools him every time."   "Wow. I've never played basketball. I find it fascinating that you shout bingo when you score."   "You don't have to. That's just something I came up with. A lot of guys say 'in yo face'."   "That's because you, sir, are an individualist. Maybe the kind of guy who should run for president."   "Like I told you earlier, Neil, I have no intention of running for president. I have enough work to do with the budget."   "I know... So, you ever play any b-ball with Boehner?"   "No, he's really not into that sort of thing. Listen, Neil, the segment is almost over and we still haven't talked at all about Medicare reform."   "I know...  I just find that such a depressing topic right now. I mean, I feel like you guys are inching away from the whole thing, and then we lost New York's 26th district last night, and..."   "Listen, Neil, that was just one race that was thrown by a third party candidate, and..."   "I know... A Tea Party candidate who liked Medicare."   "Jack Davis is a Tea Party candidate in name only, Neil. He's always been a Democrat in the past."   "I know... So what you're saying is that Jane Corwin lost to two Democrats who liked Medicare. I feel as though the fruit of your effort is withering on the vine."   "Buck up, soldier. The fact is, the Democrats weren't running on Medicare, they were running on Mediscare."   "I don't even know what that means."   "Mediscare. It's a word that I made up by combining Medicare and scare."   "Sarah Palin is better at making up words than you... But since she isn't running for president, maybe you should."   "I think she may still, Neil, but I'm not. I've got far too much..."   "I know... You've got far too much work to do on the budget. It's just that I feel your budget is doomed, Congressman Ryan. You can't even get people to support you on Medicare reform."   "Like I said, it's because the Democrats are trying to scare people by telling them we're trying to take their Medicare away."   "I know, but that's what you're doing. You need to convince them that that's a good and necessary thing, but I'm kind of giving up hope that you can get your message through. The latest FOX poll shows that 76% of voters oppose you."   "We have to educate them. Leaders have to lead, and that's exactly what I'm doing."   "I know... But it seems like you're leading us to disaster... I sure did enjoy being the majority, even if it was just in the House."   "You're depressing me, Neil."   "I know, but the segment is almost over. And I guess so is your stint in the Congress, since I don't see any Republicans from Wisconsin being reelected in 2012. Well, I appreciate you being on 'Our World with Neil Cavuto', Congressman Ryan. We're out of time for this segment."   "I know, thank God."

Right again

He has been mocked and reviled, but mainly just mocked. Howard Camping, however, will still have the last guffaw, and it most assuredly will be a hearty one. For while the foolish amongst us continue to belittle his apocalyptic predictions, Harold Camping knows the truth - Judgment Day really did happen 6:00 PM May 21, 2011, right on schedule.   "We've always said May 21 was the day," Camping explained on Family Radio International, "but we didn't understand altogether the spiritual meaning." And the spiritual meaning is that everybody really was judged, God just didn't make a big brouhaha out of it.   "It was a very difficult weekend," Camping admits. "Very difficult. "People want spectacle. I can understand that. I wanted spectacle, too. I wanted to fly through the air with my friends and family while the vast majority of the world's population was consumed by fire beneath me. But we'll all get our spectacle on October 21st when the Earth really will be totally obliterated. That's not to say that there won't be plenty of earthquakes and floods and tornados and other sundry disasters over the next five months, it just means that the Lord has decided against any really big production numbers. He apparently has little interest in competing with the likes of Michael Bay."   Camping realizes that there are those who, following his failed 1994 doomsday prediction and a raptureless Saturday, will react to his latest world destruction deadline with skepticism. As a matter of fact, he predicted as much.   "Another successful prophecy," he chuckles, "so there's really no reason to be skeptical of my explanation about last Saturday. An invisible judgment? What's so hard to believe about that? Even mortal men make judgments all the time without any visible signs, so it's not all that hard to imagine the Creator could pronounce six billion of these verdicts in a twenty-four hour span. However, for the cynics among you, I hold in my hand a copy of the Lord's own accounts receivable ledger, which contains the names of everyone scheduled to be raptured October 21st. I'd show it to you but the print is really tiny, and besides, it's a loaner copy."   With the end times absolutely positively less than five months away, Camping feels no regret for followers who liquidated their earthly goods and now face the prospect of working an extra job for a few months. He believes they'll be just fine, although he predicts that some of them may file frivolous lawsuits against them, while further predicting that the world will be destroyed before they ever reach the docket. He intends to keep a low profile with no further warnings because why bother?   "I mean really, you're either in the good Lord's account receivables or you're not," he says logically. "All of the damned should just go ahead and sin their heads off. And those of you who consider themselves saved, I think I spy a short term escape clause for you too."

Herman Cain can deliver the goods

After being bold enough to declare his candidacy with a rather bizarre reinterpretation of MLK's 'free at last' speech - which now apparently means being "Free from legislation that's being forced down the throat of the American people like Obamacare" as well as freedom from a stagnant economy - businessman Herman Cain took another huge step in his fight for the GOP nomination by appearing on the indispensable FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace.   "I had the courage to announce on a day when the earth very well could have ended," Cain told Wallace, after arriving on the set with a twinkle in his eye and a large Italian sausage and mushroom pizza. "Of course it didn't, which I had already boldly predicted. It might have ended for Mitch Daniels, but it's only beginning for me. Go on brother, have a slice of this pie before it goes and gets cold on us."   Wallace asked if Cain had brought the pie in order to remind the American people of how as CEO of Godfather's he had returned the chain to prosperity through his program of hard work, innovation, and fiscal austerity.   "Does it make you think of that, Chris?" Cain replied. "If so, that's a good thing, because that's the way we can get this country back on track. But take a closer look. This isn't an Italian sausage and mushroom pizza, this is a metaphor pizza. This pizza says Herman Cain can deliver the goods. And check out how those good are still piping hot."   "And delicious," agreed Wallace, wiping a strand of 100% real mozzarella from his chin. "But I want to ask you an important question about your political action committee. Our extensive FOX News research has turned up the fact that your Hermanator PAC only has a balance of thirteen dollars. That's scarcely enough money to buy one of your delectable pizzas."   "That's because FOX News has a pretty jive research department," Cain responded, holding a slice threateningly. "I know it's not your fault, but if they had done their homework, you'd be aware of the fact that I shut down the Hermanator PAC in January. I've got a new one named the Friends of Herman Cain which will file with the FEC July 15th."   "You're right, that is some pretty jive research," Wallace admitted, watching sadly as Cain returned the remaining pizza to the box. "Please, you don't have to go yet. If you'll let me have another slice, we can go on for another segment."   "You drive a hard bargain, Chris, but like I said, Herman Cain delivers the goods. Here you go. Tasty, isn't it? They double up on the toppings when they know it's for me. You want any parmesan with that?"   "Please. And please tell me, if you would, how much money do you have in the Friends of Herman Cain PAC?"   "I could, but I won't, Chris, because I don't want my competition to know. But I can tell you, we are not broke. Far from it. We could afford to buy pizza for everybody here at FOX News, including Glenn Beck."   "That guy can eat a lot of pizza."   "I'll bet he can, Chris, I'll bet he can. He'd probably want some sort of wild toppings like anchovies and avocado, but I'm never going to find out. He's a little too crazy for me."   "Tell me about it. That's why FOX News is canning his ass. So you're saying that at this point, the Herman Campaign is financially sound, is that correct?"   "Yes, but we could always use more, Chris. I've been doing a little research, and I've found that it's not illegal to offer voters refreshments as long as you remain at least fifty feet away from the polling place. I'm looking at the possibility of setting up free hot pizza stands outside of the primary polls, with my picture and my slogan, 'Herman Cain can deliver the goods'. That's going to take a lot of money."   "Well, it's a worthy cause. Could I have just one more... Ah, thank you. And one more question before you go..."   "Go ahead, Chris."   "Can you come back again next Sunday?"

What's the use?

I was just in the midst of writing what may have been the funniest piece ever penned, when it suddenly occurred to me that I was wasting my precious time. It seems that I had totally forgotten about the pending end of the world. That's crazy, I know, it's not like forgetting a dental appointment. I'm sure all of you have been thinking about it quite a bit, but in my defense, it's not like I'm somehow going to miss it.   The way Harold Camping explains it, beginning at 6 PM tomorrow, around 3% of the world's population will be raptured, and I've got to admit that this is one time I'm really sorry to be in the majority. I say beginning at 6 PM because the way I understand it rolling time zones are involved, so the whole process will take around 24 hours. Get ready for some must see TV followed by five months of earthquakes, volcanoes and copious death. I'm pretty sure Camping's info is right, since he's only been wrong about the end of the world once before, which is a much better track record than I've got.   I'm off to he neighborhood pub after I post this. I'd like to think that I could spend as much of my filthy lucre as possible tonight buying rounds, but I suppose that will be difficult since everyone else will probably be doing the same thing. At any rate, I won't be drinking the cheap whiskey tonight.

What's-his-name's terrible bad week

Newt Gingrich isn't the only politician running for the Republican presidential nomination who has had a really bad month rolled up into a handful of days. That other guy who's running - I can't think of his name, but you know who I'm talking about, the one who's only identifiable position is legalizing pot, which is a really good idea, but still - has had an equally awful patch of days.   First of all, Ron Paul, the man who's libertarian spot old what's-his-name felt poised to replace, predictably decided to enter the race in spite of the negligible threat that other guy posed.   Then yesterday, must win state Utah suspended the other guys memorably named Our American Initiative PAC for failure to file his first-quarter 2011 financial report.   "Man, that was cold," said the absolute underdog. "I thought you only had to file a financial report if you had actually been able to raise money, so I guess it was kind of my fault. I called them up promptly because as everybody knows, as Utah goes, so goes the nation. I told them I would get right on it - it's not all that complicated filling in a batch of zeros - but they kept asking me who I was and putting me on hold."   Finally, today he received what would have been a fatal blow if his campaign weren't already dead, when he lost the all important Willie Nelson endorsement to Dennis Kucinich, who at this point isn't even in the Republican primary race.   "Man, I must have been high when I said I endorsed this fella," said a surprised Willie upon learning what he'd done. "I mean, sure, that's a gimme, but I must have been really high. I remember watching Gary Shandling and thinking now there's a guy who I could endorse for president and the next thing I know they tell me I came out for this guy who I've never heard of before. Like I said, I must have been really high."

Sean and Newt

We're back in the studio now with our old friend, Newt Gingrich, presidential contender and former Speaker of the House. That's a crazy picture, Mister Speaker. What the heck is going on there?

That's from last night, Sean. I was doing a book signing and fund raiser in Minneapolis and this gay rights protester caught me by surprise.

What is that? It looks glittery. Is it glitter?

Technically yes, Sean, although I prefer to say that he sprinkled me with fairy dust.

Huh ho, always quick with that Newtonian sense of humor. What was he protesting - something gay?

Technically yes, Sean. He was protesting the size of my debt at Tiffany's. Or more to the point, he was protesting my refusal to answer questions about what I bought at Tiffany's.

Really, that hadn't crossed my radar screen until now. How much is your debt at Tiffany's?

I'm not going to answer that, Sean. That's the sort of information that's best shared only between a man and his merchant.  However, I would be perfectly happy to talk about what we need to do to America and what we need to do to help Americans.

Help Americans do what, Mister Speaker?

Help Americans throw off the yoke of oppression imposed by the most radical socialist government this nation has ever know.

Oh, that. I saw video earlier today of Joey Scarborough laughing his fool head off at your multiple unfortunate incidents. It seems to me your campaign has gotten off to a bit of a rough start. Would you agree with my assessment?

What, with the fact that Joey Scarborough is a fool? Absolutely, Sean. He was in the House while I was Speaker, and as far as I'm concerned he was a complete waste of a seat.

Really? He signed on to your Contract With America and had a 95 percent lifetime rating from the American Conservative Union. That's better than you had.

Jesus, I'm sorry. If you're watching right now Mister Scarborough, I just want to clarify by saying that what I meant was 'holy fool' in the Christian sense, someone who flouts society's conventions for a higher purpose, like Saint Francis of Assisi. And uh, a waste of a seat in the sense that you were always so busy being productive that you hardly ever sat down.

Good recovery, Mister Speaker. Those are very kind words for someone who only moments ago was laughing their fool head off over your misfortunes.

I have a tendency to overreact, Sean, so it's important for me to remember that chances are people are laughing with me, not at me.

No, I'm pretty sure he was laughing at you, particularly when that guy was shaking your hand and advising you to drop out before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.

Well, Sean, every campaign has it's little ups and downs. I suppose that I should consider myself lucky that you have me on your show.

I pretty much have to, Mister Speaker. You're the only friend of the show that's in the race at this point. Huck and the Donald aren't running, Sarah and Michele still haven't gotten in, Rudy is...

Maybe we could spend a little time talking about the deficit now.

Gee, I'd love to but I was just getting ready to bring out my very special guest.

Oh. I see. Who's your very special guest?

Dick Morris.

But... But you have Dick Morris on all the time.

Like I said, he's very special. See ya around, Mister Speaker.

Whatever...

Stick around, folks. After the break, Dick Morris is going to talk about the threat posed by Debbie Wasserman Schultz to the Republican president in the 2016 campaign and why we should stop her now before it's too late.