Tea minus three

The nation's Congress continued the nation's plunge into ungovernability and political obsolescence today, with Republicans getting ever closer to their aspiration of successfully snatching failure from the jaws of victory through a combination of intractability, partisanship and good old fashion stupidity. In the Senate, Mitch McConnell delivered a letter to Majority Leader Reid containing the names of forty-three senators who promised to prevent his bill from ever ever ever being brought to a vote even though it contained almost all of the concessions they had been asking for.   "Almost is the operative word," chuckled McConnell. "Even though it gives us more than we ever dreamed we could get, it is a pointedly partisan bill which would deny us the opportunity to put Obama and the Democrats through all of this repeatedly over the next year. I have clearly stated that the number one priority for Senate Republicans is to ensure that Obama is a one term president, and in light of that goal, this bill will not stand."   In the House, this reasonable tone of enlightened self-interest was unable to prevail, with Speaker Boehner opting to have a 'symbolic vote' on legislation that will never reach him.   "Symbolism is important, as anyone who has ever seen the great hit movie 'Inception' can readily testify," explained Boehner. "Like most things in real life America, the story takes place almost entirely in dreams. And it's really trippy. The lead, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, is quite obviously a Barack Obama type of character, and we discover that the world he sees as paradise is in reality Limbo. He can't ever really wake up and he never will. Plus, there are a whole lot of phallic symbols, like the skyscrapers that suddenly rise and thrust into the sky, and the trains that appear from nowhere and scare the bejesus out of you. Trains are always phallic symbols. And don't forget that the plot is all about penetrating someone's dream and planting a seed. My god, that movie is full of dicks, and so is the House of Representatives."

break time

"Oh my God, I can't believe how much this thing stinks."   "I know, Harry, I'm about to gag."   "The sad thing is, my own bill doesn't smell a whole lot better."   "You're being too hard on yourself. I mean, granted that your legislation is an exceedingly generous concession for a Democrat, but it's not foul like this piece of shit."   "Well, that's nice of you to say, Mitch."   "I know, but don't get used to it. This is likely the only concession you'll get from me any time soon."   "I'm sure that's true.. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing it's you and Kyl that have to whip for it."   "I'm not going to twist any arms to wrangle votes for this bull crap. Kyl, maybe, but I... I guess I'll have to, a little... Do me a favor, Harry. Get it to a vote as quickly as you can. Make the suffering as short as possible. I'll owe you."   "Will you owe me enough to support my crappy bill?"   "I don't know, Harry. You know that I've got a crappy bill of my own in play."   "The problem is, Mitch, even if your crappy bill clears the Senate, it's not crappy enough to have a chance in the House."   "You're probably right, Harry. But then I don't know if anything without a balanced budget amendment would be approved."   "Do these morons in the House have any understanding of the fact that while a balanced budget amendment makes a certain amount of sense for a state, it's ludicrous for the nation."   "No they do not, and if you tried to explain it to them, they'd just start bitching and moaning about entrenched bureaucracies."   "It's sad... Well, you ready to get back on the floor and debate some more meaningless bullshit?"   "No, but let's do it."

Newton and Neil

"Joining us now is the distinguished albeit disgraced former Speaker of the House, Newton Gingrich. Welcome to the show, Mister Speaker."   "Thanks, Neil. If I could just correct one thing - it's plain old Newt. Nobody calls me Newton."   "I do. I think it's funnier, you know, like Fig Newtons? Boy, I'll bet you hear that one a lot."   "No, not too much..."   "I haven't seen you around much lately, but I understand that you're still running for president. Have you intentionally been hiding from the press?"   "Not at all, Neil, it's just that this is the first show that's invited me to be on in the last few weeks. I can't figure it out. You would think that I would be flooded with requests right now."   "No, that's not what I would think. The biggest story of the past few weeks has been the impending financial meltdown, and it probably wouldn't occur to anyone to have Newton Gingrich on to discuss that."   "Newt. My god, Neil, I was Speaker during the greatest government shutdown of modern times."   "You old timers really love talking about the glory days, don't you? I want to talk about comments that..."   "A few days ago I saw you talking to Herman Cain about the debt limit, for Pete's sake."   "Well, why wouldn't I? He's a real businessman, so he knows a thing or two about the topic. But okay, I'll play along with you. What do you  think should be done about the debt limit?"   "I think we need to reach a deal and raise it. It's been..." "Ha. I knew you were going to say that, that's why I didn't even want to ask you for your expert opinion."   "I think we might get a deal by this weekend, although that might not prevent the nation from getting a credit downgrade."   "Uh huh."   "Look, the credit downgrade is baloney; it’s based on Wall Street politics, it's not based on reality."   "That's what we cover on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto, Wall Street and politics. Are you saying this show is baloney?"   "No, what I'm saying is that all this talk of financial Armageddon is an effort to scare the American people."   "I'm not scared. Are you scared?"   "Well, not me personally, but people like our seniors..."   "People like you."   "No, people older than me. People who are afraid that we're going to take away their Social Security and Medicare."   "Well, aren't we?"   "Yes, but not right away. We're talking further down the road."   "I suppose that's okay for you to say, but a lot of our Tea Party friends might not approve of that sort of half-stepping. You've got a lot of nice things, don't you?"   "Uh, why?"   "I saw a clip of you a couple of days ago talking about all your money and how happy you were you could buy nice things. Nice things, that really made me laugh."   "Everybody likes nice things. Don't you?"   "Not from Tiffany's. I've got to ask myself, how many diamonds does one person need?"   "I feel like I've discussed that to death. I really don't have anything further to say on the topic."   "I'm only asking because I just saw a clip of you saying that a couple of days ago, which I thought was pretty funny. I'm like, old Newton is still talking about Tiffany's. Are you saying that you're comfortable talking about it with some third-string reporter in Boston but not with me?"   "Look, Neil, a diamond is a girl's best friend, except, of course, for little Newt... No, no, that's probably ribald, and in fact is not true. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Little Newt possibly might run a distant fourth, and that's distressing too, given Calista's limited number of friends."   "That's funny. You're a funny guest, and I'm glad you're going to be visiting us frequently."   "I am?"   "Oh yes. I talked to Hannity a few days ago and he said that I could have you."   "What do you..."   "When Hannity or O'Reilly get tired of a guest, FOX sometimes let's me have dibbs on the ones I want. You're mine now."   "Oh. Well, I suppose I should say congratulations."   "Thanks. At least it's a step up from Santorum."

From Sarah's Facebook: Good news on the default front

I was reading the most interesting thing last night and it really shows just how much Obama has been deceiving the American people about this so-called disaster that's supposed to happen on August 2 if we don't raise the debt ceiling. I didn't use the word lying but you can read between the lines cause if it quacks like a duck then that's what it is, particularly if it's got one of those cute orange beaks and waddles around a lot.   The government is not going to run out of money on August 2. I repeat, the government is not going to run out of money on August 2 because that's what some experts say, experts who know a lot more about these thing than Timothy Geithner who should be fired. Like UBS says we're not going to run out until August 8 and Barclays says August 10 and Wells Fargo says we might make it all the way till the end of the month cause there's more money coming in from high taxes than we were le to believe plus there's more coming in all the time.   You know, it's like when you're grieving about the fact that your wallet is empty and your checking account is totally blah and the only thing you really want out of life at the moment is a pizza and a six pack and then suddenly - suddenly - you remember the change jar. You know, the jar or box or whatever where you throw all your pennies and nickels and dimes and maybe even a few quarters so your purse doesn't weigh like a ton? And you don't even want to count it because honestly who has the time? So you dump it all in a plastic bag and you lug it down to the Walmart where they have one of those Coinstar machines, you know, one of those machines where you dump your change in and it counts it all up and then it gives you a receipt that you give to the girl at the service desk and then they give you money or a gift card? If you take money than the store takes a cut just like the federal government but if you take the gift card you get full value but you probably want to take the money because the pizza at Walmart really isn't very good. So you're watching and the Coinstar is counting the change and showing how much you've got on a little display and all of a sudden you've got enough for a pizza and then a minute later you've got enough for a six pack as well and it just keeps going and going and before you know it you've got like eighty-three dollars plus thirty-two cents that you can use to start a new change jar.   That's just like the federal government, and you know, while they're spending that eighty-three dollars more change is coming in all the time like from all of the high taxes and so you really don't know when you're going to run out of money or even if you're going to run out at all because it's almost like a perpetual motion machine. And then you remember that you haven't even checked your other purses for the change that might be there and especially the closet where Todd hangs his pants because he never empties his pockets and the coins all fall out on the floor. There's your change you can believe in.

endgame

"Good afternoon. I've called you here to announce my new plan to cut the deficit in return for raising the debt limit, thus avoiding a market catastrophe of unknown magnitude. These are desirable goals, and they would be accomplished in two steps. The first would raise the limit by 900 billion, enough to get us through the year, in exchange for 1.2 trillion in spending cuts. The second is a bit more complicated, and I guess I'm not even going to go into it, because young Eric here tells me that it's got virtually no chance of passing."   "Not virtually no chance, Boehner. No chance."   "So that being the case, I guess we'll just just be getting back to the futility of our work."   "Speak for yourself, old man. My work has been very purpose driven and personally quite productive. I am helping to mold the Republican Party into the political equivalent of John Galt."   [Reporter] "I suppose opposing the Speaker's latest plan will help you to achieve this goal, is that it?"   "You bet it will. Everybody talks about how great Ayn Rand is, but it's almost always just lip service."   [Reporter] "What exactly is your goal, Mister Cantor?"   "My goal is to ensure that John Boehner is a one term Speaker."   "Ironically, my own goal is not all that dissimilar to Young Eric's at this point." [Reporter] "Not that we heard all of Speaker Boehner's plan, but what specifically did you object to about it?"   "A better question would be what don't I object to about it, but I'll make this brief. It doesn't cut spending nearly enough, it doesn't require cuts to entitlements, and it doesn't have a balanced budget amendment."   [Reporter] "But you've already tried a balanced budget amendment, and it was tabled in the Senate for lack of support."   "Yes, yes it was. They wouldn't even debate..."   "I'll take this Boehner. I'm adding it back in to his inadequate plan. We'll keep his first baby step, but before the money runs out in December, we're going to require the Senate to consider the balanced budget amendment."   "And by 'consider', young Eric means they'll have to vote for it."   "Only if they want any further funding past December."   "And it's a bit of a heavy lift, because it requires that any new taxes or revenues would require a two-thirds majority." "A coward might call it a heavy lift, but I'd call it a worthwhile gamble. The payoff is enormous." "The fact is, Majority Leader Cantor has a gun to my back. Literally. Perhaps you might have noticed how he always stands directly behind me."   [Reporter] "What type of firearm is it, Mister Cantor?"   "It's a snubnosed Colt Cobra .38 Special."   "A small gun, but I understand it makes a rather large hole."   "Especially at this range, old man."   "Before I leave, I'd just like to ask if there is anybody here who could help me out... Anybody? Please, for the love of God, somebody rescue me... Nobody? Ah well then, I guess that it's back to the grindstone."

Thank you, Lord, for GM performance technology, not to mention...

the art of the deal

Look, if no one has any new ideas, we're going to go through all of the old options again and find something we can work with. I don't want to get up on Monday and watch the market drop 800 points or more.

Nobody wants to see the market plunge, but regrettably, such is their nature in circumstances such as these.

I'm reminded of a poem... There was this thing that couldn't be done, and everybody knew it, so I tackled the thing that couldn't be done, and by god I couldn't do it.

That's a real good poem, Harry.

I don't even know why I'm here....

You're here to help us reach a consensus, Nancy. We're almost out of time to keep the country from plunging into crisis.

I would suggest that we are already out of time, Mister President. You said as much last night. The Senate can't even name a post office in ten days.

There probably won't even be a post office much longer...

I remember how much my daddy used to love hanging out at the post office...

Focus people. We need a solution that is palatable to both parties

Well, we can't raise taxes and we can't cut benefits and we can't hurt the military and there's not enough money anywhere else... We used to be able to do things in the Senate, but I guess those days are gone.

The Tea Party has made it impossible for me to pass anything in the House now, no matter how much you put on the table. Sorry Mister President, they just really want default.

You know, we do have a lot of gold that's just sitting around getting dusty at Fort Knox.

And of course there's our strategic oil reserves.

Oh Lord...

Sell all our pretty things. Our national parks, our public lands...

We could sell the naming rights to our military bases and government buildings...

Why half-step, Harry? Sell the buildings and bases outright.

You all are going to give me no other option than to use the fourteenth amendment, aren't you? You're going to force me to tell Treasury to keep paying the bills irregardless.

I wish you would...

Marvelous idea, Mister President. That will give us the opportunity to spend the next sixteen months talking about impeaching you.

Not as popular with my caucus as a default, but I think they'd go for it. Not that it matters. I guess our work here is done.

It's going to damage our credit and currency immeasurably, but at least it saves us from making a difficult decision. See you later, Mister President.

Bye bye, Mister President. I feel just terrible about this...

John, hang behind for just a minute.

Are you going to yell at me again?

No, I just wanted to bum one of your cigarettes.

Oh, sure thing, Mister President. Here, take the whole pack.

Jihadi Tunes

From the Department of bad ideas, an al-Qaeda affiliate affectionately known as Abu al-Laith al-Yemen has announced the planned production of an animated film for children. According to the press release on the Jihadist al-Shamouk website, the cartoon will be "a very exciting story that tells the facts about who let down the Islamic religion and the Prophet." (Without giving away too much, I can reveal that the dreaded individual who does the letting down is a shadowy character known as Infidel Man.) The press release goes on to say that the cartoon will track "real incidents and features heroic actions by the Mujahideen in the Prophet's peninsula" before helpfully adding that "these incidents include raids, armed engagements and assassinations."   You can't have a good al-Qaeda press release without some sort of a mission statement, and this one does not disappoint. The cartoon is being offered as an "alternative to the poison that is broadcast by other TV channels to our children and youth."   "I cannot imagine what channel would broadcast this," says Ali Yahya Al-Ahmar, spokesman for Yemen's Al-Saeeda television. "We are not by nature a cartoon loving people, and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. I myself enjoy the occasional cartoon, but in this instance I feel the direction is misguided. When the coyote beheads the roadrunner, it simply does not produce a chuckle."

headache

"Right now I've got a surprise guest... A surprise to me, at any rate, because I have Bristol Palin scheduled for this hour. Congresswoman Bachmann, what the heck are you doing here?"   "Putting on a brave face, Greta. I had to talk to someone right away, and I immediately though of you because I know you suffer from the same problem as I do."   "What problem is that?"   "Debilitating headaches, of course. Migraines, the kind that you get every week or so that make you writhe in agony in a quiet room with the lights out for days on end. What problem did you think I meant?"   "I don't know. But I need to tell you a couple things up front. First, I have another guest scheduled for this hour, and secondly, I don't suffer from migraines."   "Really, you don't suffer? I understand, you probably have to take a ton of pills like I do and in your case they work. You're one of the lucky ones."   "No, I just don't have migraines."   "Sure you do. I read about it in the Inquirer, how during the Casey Anthony trial, you took ill during your show and then you were out for three days."   "That was food poisoning."   "Oh you poor dear, food poisoning on top of a migraine! Well, I guess that's the Good Lord's way of telling me to count my blessings."   "I don't believe that God would give me food poisoning just to make you feel better about yourself."   "He works in mysterious ways, Greta. Like the story about my migraines breaking the same week that I really started getting traction in the polls. He obviously wanted the news out so people would realize that I was just like them and not some sort of Superwoman. That's why I had to be on your show tonight, to get out in front of the story."   "And so you have. But I do have another guest scheduled and..."   "No no, you don't understand. I need to reassure the American people that being under heavy medication and having to rest in the darkness all day would have no impact on my performance as president."   "But it obviously would."   "I don't think that's obvious at all, Greta. My headaches are brought about by stress, so all I would need to do is avoid stressful situations."   "It's my understanding that the presidency is inherently stressful."   "You are not doing a lot to keep me calm, Greta... There is such a thing as a vice president. And the president gets a lot of vacation time, so if I have to be out a couple of days, I'll count it as that. Problem solved. Can I have a glass of water? I need to take a couple of pills."   "You're not getting a headache now, are you?"   "No, but you should have seen me yesterday. I had a raging migraine. All these reporters were hurling questions at me about my headaches, and there was this one persistent ABC guy..."   Oh, I heard about that. Your team roughed him up, didn't they?"   "I just asked them to keep him quiet. It's not my responsibility, I was having a headache at the time. The media ought to know better than to harass somebody who..."   "Hi, Greta. I was just sitting in the Green Room eating a pear, and I noticed it was past time for the show to start, so..."   "Who is this?"   "That's Bristol Palin, Congresswoman Bachmann."   "I know it's Bristol Palin, I've seen her in the Inquirer. I mean, what's she doing on my show?"   "She's my guest tonight."   "But you're talking to me. Oh... Ooooh... And besides, you had her on just last week."   "She's a Palin."   "Oh! Oh oh owwww! I am starting to feel just a little bit stressed. Owwww. What's she going to do, hawk her book again?" "Yes I am! It's called 'Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far."   "Ahroooooooo! Owwww oww oh... What do you know of life?... Can you please turn the lights down in the studio, Greta?"   "Maybe I should go..."   "No... Owwwww... I'll go. It's far too noisy in here anyway... Ahrooooo! Ah ah ah... Greta, I'll be resting in your dressing room.. Ow! Ow! ...so please try not to put any lights on later if you you feel you have to get in... Owwwww!"   "Well, thank you for dropping by... Boy, that was pretty weird."   "I'll say. My mom looks completely normal by comparison."

Great Americans

"...and that's one of the things I admire so much about you. Let's take a look at video of something you revealed to Chris Wallace yesterday here at FOX News."

Earlier this week you made remarks about the planned mosque in Murfreesboro Tennessee that stirred quite a bit of controversy. Would you like to take this opportunity to further fan those flames?

Yes I would, Chris. Let's go back to the fundamental issue. Islam is both a religion and a set of laws - Sharia laws. That's the difference between any one of our good traditional American religions where it's just about religious purposes.

Really? What about Judaism? It has a lot of laws. So, you're saying that any community, if they want to ban a mosque...

Yes, they have the right to do that. That's not discriminating based upon their particular religion. The people in the community know what it is that I mean and they're talking about it.

I'm sure they are, Mister Cain, but that doesn't make it right. Are you really willing to restrict people's rights because of their religion?

Don't be such a pussy, Chris. I'm simply saying I owe it to the American people to be cautious because terrorists are trying to kill us, okay? Capiche?

Wow, so few people are willing to just come out and say it, particularly to Chris Wallace. That is so powerful because it's so true - the terrorists are Moslems and they are trying to kill us.

That's why I say it, Sean, because I'm a truthsayer. The Asians want to kill us as well, but at least they don't build these obnoxious mosques in our communities.

Well said. Let me ask you something - how would you like to be a friend of the Sean Hannity Show?

I don't know. What would I have to do in order to accomplish such a lofty achievement?

Just be a guest on the show every couple of weeks and call me a great American.

And what would I get in return?

Well, not only would I call you a friend of the show, I'd call you one of the serious candidates.

I am one of the serious candidates, Hannity. What else you got?

You can call in anytime you want to weigh in on a topic, no matter who's already on the show. And I would call you by your first name.

I would expect that if I wanted to weigh in on something, you'd feature me as a regular guest. And I'd prefer you call me Mister Cain. Is that all you have?

I can get you an autographed copy of all of my books.

You're starting to lose me now, Hannity.

Wait. What about two fifty dollar gift certificates to Ruth's Criss Steak House and a Pajamagram?

I drive a hard bargain, don't I, buddy?

You're a great American, Mister Cain.