The Cain Scrutiny

Herman Cain vigorously pushed back today against allegations that he had sexually harassed at least two female employees while serving as the head of the National Restaurant Association, claiming the accusations were both "totally baseless and totally false". As for the further allegations that the women signed payoff agreements with the NRA in exchange for leaving their jobs and speaking of the matter no further, he was less definitive, but was certain that he knew nothing about a settlement and if there had been one, "it was handled by some of the other officers at the restaurant organization," most likely the Chief Payoff Officer.   Knowing the ways of the world as well as the contents of his conscience, Cain was keenly aware that other allegations may arise, but if they do, "I assure you people will simply make them up," because the whole thing is a 'witch hunt' and someone wants to put a 'cloud' over his campaign. All bases covered? Check.   But just who or what sinister force is trying to hang this cloud of false charges over the Hermanator's shiny dome? Could it be the Obama administration?   "No, it's not Obama," Cane says flatly. "The man is too fixated on Romney to attack me, and he just loves the sight of me really bringing the heat to old Mitt. That's his folly. By the time Obama realizes what a threat I was, it'll be way too late for him."   Well then perhaps it's the man who's having the heat brought to him, old Mitt himself.   "No, I thought about that," Cane replies dismissively, "but Willard himself has a need to see me succeed, at least until his dreaded nemesis Rick Perry is no longer a contender. I believe that Romney sees me as the only man capable of sending Perry to the showers. After that, though, all bets are off."   Then Karl Rove would seem to be a likely perpetrator, since he was the first person to pounce on the news of Cain's misfortunes and call on him to come clean.     "Do you think that I was born yesterday?" Cain asks impatiently. "It's not Rove. I am a keen observer of the human psyche, and I can tell you this much with certainty - Rove is just a remnant of the old Republican establishment who's bitter because he doesn't have anyone kowtowing to him this time around. I mean, he may not like me, but he ain't going to like anyone who doesn't like him back. That's a fact."   Uh, Donald Trump? He did tell FOX News that perhaps you "settled just because you didn’t want to go through the legal fees or you didn’t want to spend a lot of money   "I think you're a little closer, but still no cigar," Cain chuckles. "It's true that Trump went and interjected himself into my business today, which I do not appreciate in the slightest. Let me tell you something, Donald Trump, Herman Cane is not the sort of man to watch his wallet when it comes to protecting his good reputation. But I think the truth of the matter is that Trump is just a self-important blowhard who doesn't like to see anyone like me stealing his spotlight."   "Ooh, ooh, I think I know," interjected Michele Bachmann. "It's Rick Perry, isn't it? That's his modus operandi. I thought he was only playing dirty tricks on me, but I guess he's branching out. You know Rick Perry was behind that letter from the Tea Party telling me to drop out of the race. I don't have any evidence, per se, but people have told me that's what happened. You should talk to people. They might tell you something too. And then last week Rick Perry stole my tax plan and I..."   "Calm down, Michele," Cain replied brusquely. "You don't even have a tax plan. And the fact is, I talk to people all the time and they haven't told me anything yet. It's very frustrating. I know the media is giving the issue of my non-existent harassment the full headline treatment, but who put them onto me is a question I've yet to be able to answer. I'm a very open individual, so it could be anyone. It could even be me. I wouldn't put myself beyond myself. But whoever it is, I'm giving this my full scrutiny and I won't rest until I'm either fully vindicated or another story comes along to take it's place."

oh why not

Heaven knows, the GOP herd of presidential aspirants are a sorry lot, all deeply flawed in their own distinctive ways, but they do share one thing in common. None of them are as recklessly demented as Pastor Terry Jones, head of the fifty member Dove Outreach Center. And so it makes sense that, seeing an ideological void that only a Koran incinerating cretin on a mission from God could fill, Jones on Thursday announced that he would make his own bid for president of the United States.   And you thought there were no more surprises left for the presidential field! Aside from his aborted but attention grabbing creation of 'Burn a Koran Day' and the wildly successful 'Judge a Koran Day', Jones and Dove Outreach also sponsored 'No Homo Mayor' week in Gainesville, which ultimately failed to achieve it's goal but nevertheless left no doubt as to the sexual orientation of the city's new chief officer.   Presumably, Jones would run as an Independent, because time is short and he's just a little bit too far to the right for even today's Republican party. Surprisingly, the press release for his 'platform' contains absolutely no mention of radical Islam, although to be fair it does include a picture of Jones holding his best selling book 'Islam is of the Devil' while seemingly floating in the clouds and putting on his best angry and vengeful God face.   His action plan contains seven bullet points, which is quite an ambitious stretch for a platform that contain only three actual points. Point one, 'Stop overspending immediately' is a little generic, necessitating point two - 'balance the budget'; point three, 'reduce military spending', and point seven - 'reduce bureaucracy'. He would realize these goals via the time tested method of reducing corporate taxes, or as he likes to call it, point six.   Now that's still two good points, fully twice the number of many campaigns, but Jones doesn't stop with just these. There's point four, 'deport all illegals' followed by point five, 'also saving us 400 billion dollars per year'. I suppose I could note that number five is more of a subordinate clause than an actual point, but I don't want to get into nitpicking. The important thing is that "this would be an operation similar to what Eisenhower did to provide jobs for the soldiers who were coming home after the war," a fact first noted in Jones' best selling book 'The Secret Life of the 34th President'.   None of the other candidates have yet to comment on Jones' presidential aspirations, not even Mitt 'the more the merrier' Romney, who usually is quick to applaud the efforts of anyone who might dilute the support of his more conservative rivals.   "I'm a little surprised that I haven't even been glad-handed by Romney," muses Jones. "It kind of makes me feel like I'm being ignored, and when I feel ignored I'm liable to do just about any crazy ass thing to get attention, so he shouldn't be surprised if I announce a 'Book of Mormon' burning before too long."

Cantor 2.0

"Oh my... This truly is as dreadful as McCarthy told me it was... I think I may be watching one of the signs of the Apocalypse..."   "What's up, John? I heard you were looking for me... Hey, that's my new video you're watching - 'Snapshot of the Leader'. Pretty good stuff, eh?"   "My mind is boggled. It's so... gentle. And reasonable."   "The music's pretty hot, too. That's my neighbor Ellis on guitar, along with a couple other guys he plays with. Sounds kind of like Neil Young. And of course that's me on lead vocals."   "Yes, I guess it was. A little hard to tell, though. I didn't hear any anxiety or stress..."   "Yeah, Xanax makes quite the difference. I don't even feel like speaking derisively to you."   "I know. That's the first time you've used my first name in months. Listen, Young Eric, I've been a little worried about you lately. You've been unusually low-key, you cancelled that speech at Wharton because protestors might be there..."   "They would have been there, John. I just didn't feel like being confrontational."   "...and then I read this piece in Politico about how you're trying to create the image of a kinder, gentler Eric Cantor..."   "Their words, not mine. But I'm cool with it."   "You're not really going to have the '60 Minutes' crew over to your house for Thanksgiving, are you?"   "You bet I am. Oh, I'll admit that it won't be easy, but I'll just pop a couple bars and give it my best. That Leslie Stahl really sticks in my craw, but I'm sure she's well-intentioned. I guess I'll probably ruin my family's holiday though, which is a little sad."   "And you're doing this why?"   "Well, it's not like I have to worry about reelection, but I need to think about my future. I'm still a young guy, and I'd like to believe that my horizons would be unlimited if I could just get rid of my reputation as a..."   "Sanctimonious little prick?"   "Bingo, John. You know, I really do enjoy being a sanctimonious little prick, but I see it as limiting my future."   "You know, Young Eric, a leopard can't change it's spots."   "That's because a leopard doesn't have Xanax. I want bigger things, John, and if living in a state of artificially induced calm and reasonableness is the price I have to pay, so be it."   "I know that you'd like my job..."   "I wouldn't mind it if it fell into my lap, but you know, I'd have to project a persona that people can tolerate being around to ever have that chance. And I will, through the grace of God and the help of my little blue friends."   "They really help, do they?"   "You be they do. I mean, they can't change who I really am inside, but they can help me ignore it... I know it's way too early to think about 2016, but I've always had this dream of becoming the first Jewish president."   "Uh, you're not overdoing it with those pills are you?"   "What do you mean?"   "I'm just saying that sounds a little grandiose to me. Running for president is..."   "What the hell do you know, old man? You don't have the imagination God gave a piece of grave, Boehner, and Speaker is the highest position you'll ever see."   "I think of it as a lofty achievement."   "You would wouldn't you, old man? You really turn my stomach. You haven't accomplished a thing as Speaker and you're going to go down. The young guns are coming through, so get out of the way. I'll take your job, old man, I'll take your job."   "Whew, that's a relief. For a minute there, I thought that you might have lost your mojo."

Introducing the iBoard

Human Unopede Karl Rove took to the airwaves today at FOX News in his new dual role as both a technology and political commentator.   "None of the current Republican candidates have shown any interest in my advice thus far," Rove explained to Megyn Kelly. "Mister Ailes told me that if I wanted to keep my paycheck, I better jump in here and try to prove my worth."   "Don't worry, Karl, he said the same thing to Sarah Palin," Kelly reassured him. "I have a feeling that when the primaries heat up next year, your phone will be ringing off the hook."   "Maybe, Megyn, but I might just decide to remain aloof  this go-round and wait until Jeb runs in 2016."   "Do you know something? Is this an exclusive?"   "I'm afraid not, Megyn. But you know, that has been the plan all along. And to help make that possible, I feel like the best utilization of my talents would be for me to come on the air and trash all of the candidates. They're a pretty sorry lot, aren't they?"   "They sure are, Karl. Of course no one else here can come out and say that. You know, because of business."   "I understand completely, Megyn. And when you bring on a moderate to trash them, your viewers just say 'What do you expect, the guys a friggin liberal."   "Careful, Karl, we might need to bleep that out. But I do agree, you're the right man to badmouth these losers. So what do you have to show me today? It looks like a miniature whiteboard."   "It's better than that, Megyn. It's the new Apple iBoard, set to hit the market in March.I've got the prototype with me today... Steve Jobs was a friggin genius. "   "Careful, Karl... How's it work?"   "Well, keep in mind that this is a prototype. The production model will work through nerve impulses from your fingertips. But for this one, I've got a Bluetooth transmitter stuck up my ass..."   "Careful, Karl... Isn't that uncomfortable?"   "Not really, Megyn, it's kind of like your iPod earbuds. Of course, you only need one..."   "Well, that makes sense. Can you give me a demonstration?"   "I'd be glad to, Megyn. Okay, I just close my eyes, concentrate, and squeeze my buttocks together really hard. Uhhhnn."   "Wow, it just filled up with talking points. Abortion, right of return, NeoConservative, Afghan policy... I'm sure that these seemingly unrelated words and phrases must mean something to you, don't they, Karl?"    "They sure do, Megyn. You see, I was concentrating on the many flaws of Herman Cain, and there it is. Cain's complete cluelessness on abortion - I mean you can't even dignify it by calling it flip-flopping - which demonstrates that he's been caught totally by surprise by his own campaign. Then there's his response on the right of return for Palestinian refugees which would indicate to me that he's never considered the..." "That's all well and good, Karl, but you're here today as our technology commentator. You know, Glenn Beck would pay a fortune for one of these. Now just how do you refresh the new Apple iBoard?"   "No need, Megyn. You just flip it over, and voila, you've got a new blank side to work with."   "Can you demonstrate?"   "Well, it's just like the first time, but... Uhhhnn... Uhhhnn... Whew... There you go, Megyn, six more talking points."   "Fantastic. But let's just suppose that you had eighteen talking points."   "That's not even a possibility, Megyn. I've learned enough about television to know that even six talking points is more that you're ever going to use."   "That's true, but what if I told you that I wanted to talk about Jon Huntsman?"   "TI wouldn't believe you, Megyn. You know we'd never talk about Huntsman."   "You don't know how to refresh the iBoard, do you, Karl?"   "Of course I do, Megyn."   "Well, do it. This is live television."   "Let me clarify.. I know how to refresh the iBoard, but it requires a move that I haven't yet physically mastered."   "Oh... Okay then. You'll just have to work on that. Great segment, and promising product. Karl Rove will be joining us once again tomorrow. Maybe we'll discuss Rick Santorum." "Great, Megyn, but do I have to bring the iBoard again?"   "You'll have to ask Mister Ailes, but I'm pretty sure you will."

Romney lobs it back

It looks as though Rick Perry's attack on Mitt Romney's illegal lawn maintenance may be backfiring, leaving the Texas governor vulnerable to charges of rank hypocrisy. Not that double standards should in any way prove to be a problem in the GOP race for the presidential nomination, but still, as a new campaign ad for the Romney campaign points out, "it's tacky".   The sixty second ad features footage taken from a security camera outside of a Dallas Holiday Inn where according to the voice over "Rick Perry had repeated stays, even though it was widely known that they employed illegal immigrants."   "Mitt Romney didn't even know who was mowing his lawn, because it was happening outside his door," intones the narrator. "Rick Perry has no such excuse. Illegal aliens carried his bags and opened the door for him. Illegal aliens brought his room service meals under the cover of darkness. They may have even made his bed." The ad closes with a shot of an attractive young Hispanic maid in a short skirt winking at the camera.   "The Romney ad is beyond the pale," fumed Perry. "How am I supposed to know the status of all the workers at the Holiday Inn? Is that his point? I reckon so... Texas has seven million Hispanics and, uh, if Mitt's just trying to prove that I'm being a little bit hypocritical, then I guess I'd say this is a pretty effective ad... I'm gonna get you for this, Harvard boy."

a few words before I go

You know, you never really know what to expect from death - or as I like to call it, life. Because if I am not alive right now, it makes this communiqué downright creepy. Nevertheless, creepy seems an appropriate description for my current situation, wherein I find myself to be drifting in a golden space filled with dazzling bursts of light. I am relatively certain that someone slipped the taxi of Al Jadeeda into my Nescafe, for such is the way of the Libyan people.   The truth is, it is hard to find good bodyguards in the midst of a revolution. I had men who swore they would die for me, a fact which you might think I would convey with pride. But I don't, because in the end all you're left with is a lot of dead bodyguards and an angry mob that doesn't care whether you live or die. Allow me to restate that. They most certainly did care whether I lived or died, and they opted for the latter. 'Have pity, do not hit me' I pleaded, but they turned a deaf ear to me. I must admit, I was as proud of my people as the father of a newborn.   There is one clarification on the circumstances of my demise which I feel I must offer, lest the legend of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya be sullied by misinformation. I was not hiding in a drainage pipe. True, I was pulled out of a drainage  pipe, but I had stumbled into that quite by accident. I had been heading to my bunker and I must have made a wrong turn or something, I don't know, all I remember is realizing that I was in the wrong place and the next moment some rebel is shouting 'the dictator is hiding in the drainage pipe'. I realized that he was talking about me and tried to explain my mistake, but one thing led to another and then the next thing I knew I was dead.   Still, I've got to say that I came out no worse for the wear. I said that I would stay in Libya and die as a martyr, and once again, I have proven true to my word. I know that I will live on in the hearts of the Libyan people, although at the moment, these lights are making me dizzy, and the love of the people doesn't seem like that much consolation.

your weekly Hitler fix

White House press secretary Jay Carney today vehemently denied GOP allegations that President Obama is a war-mongering-terrorist-killing-machine, insisting that their recent Jihadi body count was simply 'the luck of the draw'. The accusations garnered new strength after a predator strike on Friday that killed three highly placed members of the Egyptian Islamic Haqqani Network, an event now considered so commonplace that it received less news coverage than Michele Bachmann's claim that Rick Perry stole her jobs plan.   "He's spiking the ball in the end zone at this point," fumed House Majority leader Eric Cantor. "All the best terrorists are dead at this point, so what is the president doing instead of creating jobs? He's killing the son of the 'Blind Sheikh'. That's pretty sorry. It's as though Obama is making a deliberate attempt to take away our 'soft on terror' offense, just so he can be reelected. But the American people know that the only body count that matters is the one on the unemployment line. Not that the Republican Party has any plan for dealing with that, but still."   "The Blind Sheikh's son?" echoed increasingly irrelevant radio demagogue Rush Limbaugh. "Ahmed Abdel Rahman, that's what's passing as a terrorist these days? If his father was blind, is it not reasonable to suppose that he was too, and if so, isn't his targeting in fact an act of cowardice? I mean, how hard is it to target a blind guy. If Obama had any real guts, perhaps he'd target a real threat, like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." Carney made a point of noting that  Limbaugh's remarks were "full of vim and vinegar, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." He then thrust a short sword into his fragile breast, and breathed no more. Except to say. "Hey, kiss my ass, Rush. I mean, really. You think we're not all over that? We're all over that. Check this out. Yeah, that's right, it's a picture of President Obama, or as I call him, sir... but it has a Hitler mustache drawn on it... And the thing that's got to draw your attention is the fact that he really doesn't bear even a minimal resemblance to Hitler."   "On the other hand, just take a gander at this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad character. Wow, I sure hope we don't have to go to war with him, thus by creating a scenario wherein we reinvigorate the economy and provide a good reason for not changing horses in the middle of a stream... we understand that lesson all too well, although don't expect me to quote chapter and verse. Did I just say anything? Anyway, just in closing,  Ahmadinejad doesn't even need a Hitler mustache - he's got a full Hitler beard..."

that didn't help

It's a very simple rule of politics that even 'rogue' players like Sarah Palin understand: unless your spouse is Bill Clinton, it's probably best to leave them at home. You know that there's an Ann Romney, but you don't really see her on the trail. Michele Bachmann's husband has come in for his share of controversy, but he rarely wanders in front of a camera. Ron Paul and Herman Cain - hell, I don't even know if they have a significant other.   And then there's Anita Perry, full in public, fiercely defending her husband from the ravages of what has thus far been a fairly low-key political competition. Unlike Bachmann, God doesn't speak to Rick Perry, but he's got the next best thing - a wife with a divine hotline. God "was already speaking to me [in 2010] but Rick didn't want to hear it," she said about her revelation. "He needed to see the burning bush." We can surmise that Governor Perry finally got that opportunity during the ten weeks of over 100 degree weather that plagued his neighborhood.   But it's tough, very tough. Yesterday in North Carolina, a tearful Anita threw caution to the wind, and finally said aloud the words that Rick was too self-effacing to speak himself.   "It’s been a rough month." (You know, Sinatra said it best - That's life, that's what all the people say, riding high in August, shot down Columbus day.) "We have been brutalized and beaten up and chewed up in the press to where I need this today." (It's not clear exactly what she needed, but I like to imagine that the good people of Greenville gave her a nice bottle of Jägermeister). "We are being brutalized by our opponents, and our own party." (Seriously. Think about that. Their own party, during a presidential primary race. I think it's fair to say that both Rick and Anita have developed a keener appreciation of what Jesus must have felt at the Garden of Gethsemane.) "So much of that is, I think they look at him, because of his faith." (Which, I must admit, is quite enormous. Really, it would make you gasp.) "He is the only true conservative" (Was that too bold? Lord please forgive me for my foolish pride) - "well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too." (Of course, those people are totally confused, either that or God has developed a bit of a loose tongue as of late). "But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose." (So back off poseurs, and make way for the anointed one and his main lady).   "Ah, women. Can't live with em, can't live without em," Perry said today, attempting to play down his wife's remarks. "Seriously, Anita sees and hears a lot of things that I don't, so if she says she sees us bein' brutalized, I'll take her word for it, and not make a big point of sayin they've got medications for that sort of thing. It's alright, though, and I'm just goin to continue to plod my way towards victory, unless, of course, God tells Anita that I should do somethin else."

picking on the girl

I would say that 9-9-9 isn't a jobs plan, it's a tax plan. And from my experience in Congress and also as a federal tax lawyer, the last thing that you would do is give Congress another  revenue stream. This would give Congress a sales tax, and a sales tax can lead to a value added tax. One thing that I would say is that when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down, the devil's in the details.

Why the hell would you want to turn my 9-9-9 plan upside down?

Oh my goodness, of course you wouldn't want to. Not even if it resulted in lower tax rates. That would be a plan for disaster.

My 9-9-9 plan is a plan for victory, not disaster. You don't even have a plan, Bachmann.

Well, not in so many words, no...

If I might venture a guess, Michele, would you perhaps turn Herman's plan upside down if you were trying to hasten the arrival of the Rapture?

I really don't think it's appropriate to discuss Christian theology with a moron.

Governor Romney and I are Mormons, Michele. You're the moron.

Oh my God. You too, Jon?

I've heard a lot of dumb statements during these debates, and God knows I've made my share of them, but I've got to tell you, Michele, that's the most ponderous thing I've heard yet.

Rick! You know how important numerology is in our religion...

Boy... And they call Mormons a cult.

As much as I'm enjoying our little conversation, I would suggest that it's unseemly for us all to gang up on one participant. Unless it's Mitt.

Thank you, Newt.

I just hope the American people don't judge us by the idiocy of one person.

It was a joke, okay? I had my briefing papers upside down and thought that would make a funny joke.

A joke? I don't get it...

Could we just get back to our discussion on the roll of the Federal Reserve in a reform economy?

Are you all right, Congresswoman Bachmann? Or does monetary policy freak you out as well?

Rudy strikes out

"OWWWWW! My balls! Ahrooo! Oh, Jesus, that's a pain that's going to linger."   "Mr Giuliani, are you okay?"   "Could be better, little Suzie. Do you know if we have any scotch in the first aid kit?"   "I don't think so... Neosporin... Band-aids... Heart defibrillator... Aspirin... No, no scotch. I'm sorry, Mr Giuliani, I threw the ball pretty slowly... I was trying to hit your bat, just like you said."   "Well, you hit my bat, alright. Struck it right out."    "I'm sorry... But it's only a wiffle ball..."   "I know, but it still stung like a sonofabitch... I guess it's about time that I finally hung up my dream of playing third base with the New York Yankees."   "I don't know what to say."    "There's not a lot that you can say. It's tough to watch a dream die. Believe me, I know that better than anyone. Four years ago I had to give up my dream of being president..."   "That must have been really tough. But it was probably a good decision. You didn't have any delegates."   "Delegates, shmelegates... Then I had to give up my dream of being governor of New York..."   "I thought you told me that was a business decision. You never even declared."   "Yeah, but I would have made a heck of a governor. And now... I guess... it's time for me to give up my dream of jumping in this year at the last moment and capturing the Republican nomination. Once again... Sad, isn't it?"   "A little bit sad. For you, anyway. And for me. I don't guess this would be a good time for me to ask for a raise, would it?"   "No, Suzan. It would not."    "It's never a good time for you is it, you old fart."   "What's that, Suzan? You know I have trouble understanding you when you mumble."   "I said, maybe later when the economy picks up."   "Right, just like I told you last year. Now come on, throw me a couple more balls and we'll get back to the office. Hey, would you like to try a few pitches with the hardball?"   "You bet I would."

Perry stratergizes

"I'd be lyin' if I didn't say that I was a little apprehensive," says Texas Governor Rick Perry, taking a short break from his debate rehearsals. "Isn't that the craziest thing, preparin for a debate? It just doesn't seem natural somehow. Still, my campaign manager says I need it, and besides, everyone else is doing it, and they're all doin it with an eye on takin me out. My daddy used to say that it's not bein paranoid if everybody really is out to get you, and that bein the case, maybe I'm not bein paranoid enough."   "They say this is supposed to be an economics debate, and that would be just fine by me, cause I don't have any worries there, seein as how I don't have a plan to attack. Course they'll probably attack me for that. Herman Cain and Romney, they got plans, the S.O.B's, and the other guys, who cares? I'll have one too, just hold on. But I'm not fool enough to reveal my plan before an economics debate. That's just givin ammunition to the enemy. The less specific you are, the more transparent you are, and I just want em to look through me and see each other."   "You'd think that they'd all want to talk about Romney and the Mormon controversy. Not that I intentionally orchestrated it. All I did was ask a respected preacher to introduce me, and then he starts rattlin on about fake religions and cults. Course old Reverend Jeffers did the same thing last time Romney ran, but I just figured he'd learned his lesson by now, heh heh. It's all they're talkin about on the cable news. Askin everybody if it's okay to be a Mormon, and they're like, that's irrelevant. What the hell kind of answer is that? At least Santorum has the cajones to say 'He says he's a Christian'. Good answer, but nobody listens to that boy, anyhow. He's not real telegenic."   "Me, I don't even know the difference between LDS and LSD. As far as I can tell, they're both mind alterin, and it's pretty darn clear that I've never tried either, else you wouldn't catch me dead tryin to run for president in a Christian country. I'd just as soon vote for Obama, at least he pretends to be a believer. That's an exaggeration, of course. Maybe."   "But Romney, that's one lucky dog, I'm tellin you. I never heard of the Bloomberg channel so I checked it out, and we might as well be debatin on Al Gore TV, for all the difference it makes. They're like CNBC without the personality.  All they care about is stocks and markets and finances, so it wouldn't totally surprise me if this really is an economics debate. That's why I'm studyin Romney's plan real close. With 59 bullet points, there's got to be some live ammo in there somewhere. That way I can answer any question with 'my plan, when I unveil it, addresses your point spot on, but just take a gander at Romney's point number 34, that's crazy'. And then I just stare at him like he's a member of some weird cult or something. Cause he is."

Welcome to the B-list

"Hi, Sean! Hope you like banana-nut cause I've got muffins!"   "Oh, hi Sarah... As a matter of fact, banana-nut makes me kind of nauseous, but that's okay, cause I've got half a cheesesteak in my dressing room. What are you doing here?"   "I'm doing your show, silly, what do you think I'm doing?"   "Uh, didn't you get the message? I had Lois call to tell you that your segment had been canceled."   "Cancelled?"   "Yeah, we've got a couple of technology gurus on. We thought we would spend our first segment discussing Steve Jobs tonight."   "Steve Jobs?"   "Yeah, you know, the founder of Apple, the second biggest corporation in the country. He was a great American. You might have heard that he died last night."   "Of course I heard about it, Sean. I was in my room last night, trying to watch the coverage about my big announcement and all they had on was Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs. He totally buried my coverage."   "Well, sure, and uh, that's why we thought we would do a segment on it tonight. Last night we had already done all the prep for the show by the time the news broke, and we had all the guests booked, and..."   "But you had me booked tonight!"   "And that's part of the problem, Sarah. We booked you last week, uh, before things changed."   "You mean, just because I announced that I wasn't going to run for president, you're blowing me off?"   "That's essentially correct, but I deny that I'm blowing you off. Look, I'm right here talking to you now. It's just that we've got this segment on Steve Jobs..."   "Screw Steve Jobs. You can put me on the second segment if he's so important to you!"   "Oh wow, I couldn't do that. I've got Hank Williams Jr on for the second segment. Big big story, and I'm the first one to get him."   "Okay, Sean, since I'm already here, I guess I could do the third segment after the half hour break."   "Well, like I said, this Hank Williams Jr thing is a really big story, so we're going to take it for two segments..."   "Well, I'm certainly not going to do your final segment."   "I should say not, Sarah. We've got Dick Morris booked. Listen, maybe we could have you on the radio show sometime next week. How does that sound?"   "Look here, Sean Hannity, I still have the ability to be the kingmaker in this race. A lot of the candidates are already calling me. And if I don't think there's anybody able to articulate the true conservative message, I still have the capability of launching a third party campaign."   "And if either of those things happen down the road, I'd be delighted to have you back on as a special guest."   "I'm not suddenly some kind of B-lister just because..."   "Oh wow, look at the time. Ten minutes till air. Gotta get over to makeup. Take care, Sarah, and stay in touch."

sports break

"Good evening, and welcome to 'Pardon the Interruption'. I'm Tony Kornheiser..."   "And I'm Michael Wilbon, and we're bringing you all the hottest stories in sports today. Tonight in major league baseball the Yankees are going to try and battle back against the surprisingly resurgent Tigers, while the Phillies are taking on the Cardinals in a game that started just a few minutes ago. As for the Brewers and the Diamondbacks, who cares?"    "Really. I mean, I'm a sports guy, and I can't even remember where the Diamondbacks are from. We're also going to be asking whether or not Tony Romo is the most overrated quarterback in the NFL."   "Oh, that should be a quick discussion. You can't be blowing 24 point leads in the fourth quarter like that. But the biggest story in sports right now involves our own network, ESPN. It seems like our mascot felt a little rowdy this morning..."   "Make that our former mascot, cause he's history, baby. Take a look at Hank Williams Jr on this video from FOX News."      "Wow... Did he really sit there and indicate that he thought Gretchen Carlson is hot, Tony?"   "He did, Michael, and you know, she really wouldn't be all that bad if you didn't have to listen to her annoying yammering. But I've got to ask, where the heck is his self-respect to be on a show with Steve Doocey?"   "That Doocey can do some big time yammering, although with all due respect, I've got to say that at least Williams didn't really seem to acknowledge him."   "That's probably because he appeared to be so wasted that he couldn't even count. Obama and Biden are the three stooges. Come on, big fella."   "Yeah, Tony, even Doocey picked up on that. But the thing that got me was that he really doesn't seem to be all that much of a sports guy."   "My thoughts exactly. Benjamin Netanyahu playing golf with Adolph Hitler? Ridiculous."   "I'll say. Netanyahu would absolutely murder him. You know the guy has a handicap of four."   "He has a heckuva swing. And correct me if I'm wrong, Michael, but wasn't Hitler a notoriously bad golfer?"   "The worst, but everyone was afraid to tell him."   "Say, did you ever hear the old joke about the golfer who spent so much time in the bunker that he started getting mail addressed to Hitler?"   "An oldie but a goodie. So, bottom line, ESPN cans Williams. Good thing or bad thing."   "I say good thing. Just play football."   "I agree, Tony. And I'm sick of that song. Moving on, Detroit sports are on fire right now with the Lions and Tigers. Question - can the Tigers wipe that smirk off the Yankees face?"

hunting for controversy

Sure, the name 'Niggerhead Ranch' might have given some more cautious politicians pause, but of all the negatives that have been aired about Texas Governor Perry, racism is not among them (while questionable judgment and obliviousness most assuredly are). Given the fact that the average potential voter receives their knowledge of presidential candidates in very small bites, it will probably be a wash, with an equal distribution of negative and positive knee jerks. But if nothing else, the controversy over the name of Rick Perry's former hunting camp should have at least one positive effect.   "I'm thinking this is probably the death knell for using 'gate' as a suffix for controversies," says UCLA linguist Hines Norton. "I saw it coming with the failure of Solyndragate, but today when I actually saw 'N-WordheadGate' in New York Magazine, I said stick a fork in it, this turkey is done."    And that's a good thing, too, because the country has too many pressing problems to spend any more than a week or so talking about N-WordheadGate. And after all, either Rick Perry or his daddy Joe Ray did put a coat of white paint over the mysterious but undisputed rock that had the word Niggerhead on it, and Perry vowed to never utter the offensive term aloud again, and he never renewed his lease on that vile ranch when it expired in 2007, which, ironically, happened to be the same time that they just went ahead and changed the name to North Camp Pasture.   "Well, the Perry family leased the place since the mid-1980s and they never requested a change," said Chuck Wilson, who manages the property. "Course, they could have called it anything they wanted amongst themselves, but people around here all called it Niggerhead. There used to be lots of places with that name, but back in 1962, the U.S. Board on Geographic Names just upped and changed em, just like that. Talk about your government overreach. Now this being private property, we were exempt from everything but their scorn, so screw em. Still, I'm happy to clear up one mystery - it was either Rick or Joe Ray that vandalized my rock, and I'm gonna take this to court for all I can get."   "I'm not gonna be worryin' about some small claims court," said a defiant Rick Perry. "What I don't like is this besmirchin' of my good name. Sure, I realize everybody else is gonna be slanderized too, and I'm not clueless enough to not realize that this is all part of the liberal media's gotcha game. Still, I'm gonna be extra careful not to give them any extra ammunition. For example, just this morning I cancelled my membership to 'Burning Jew Country Club'."