Vacation!

See you all in a few days.

an angry god awakens

The labor crisis deepened in Wisconsin last night, as the governor threatened to eliminate up to twelve million jobs if Senate Democrats don't accede to his plan to his plans for dismantling the state's labor unions.   "I am Cornholio," Scott Walker told a quickly organized conference call of Republican state legislators. "I need TP for my bunghole."   "He sounded serious," said state senator Ben Dover. "And he's enough like Ronald Reagan that he might really do it. The loss of twelve million more jobs would be a real blow to our state, so I'm kind of frightened by the prospect, but kind of excited at the same time. I mean, I remember when Reagan tore down the Berlin Wall, everyone was saying 'Stop! Don't do it! It's a suicide mission!' But then everything worked out okay and America became the greatest country on Earth, at least until a couple of years ago."   "Trick or Treat, sonofabitch!!" Walker added. "You will not be safe from the Almighty Bunghole! I am Cornholio! Do not underestimate the power of the Almighty Bunghole!"   "I don't think any of us are underestimating his power or resolve right now," said Democratic senator-in-exile Lucy Ferspawn. "He's morphed into the most powerful person in the history of his mind or of this state, and if he isn't allowed at least the opportunity to claim his stake to gipperhood, I just don't know what is going to happen. Frankly, I'm just about ready to go back home and beg for mercy, but I can't imagine that he would show me any."   "Come out with your pants down," Walker cried in defiance, as the Berlin Wall of Labor came tumbling down. "I am Cornholio! You have awakened my bunghole, and now you must pay! The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!"   Wow," said President Obama. "This sounds like nothing less than one man's megalomaniacal attempt to begin the dismantling of the middle class in America. But these are things upon which honest Americans can disagree, and I look forward to the prospect of spirited conversation on the topic in the future."

Taxi!

Now the situation in Libya all makes sense. After all, as Gaddafi made perfectly clear last night during a call to state TV, 'no sane person' would protest against his rule, which leaves only one possible explanation - young people all hopped up on drugs being manipulated by Osama bin Laden.   "Their ages are 17. They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe," he explained, and that really makes a lot of sense, because you give a seventeen year old a combination of bad coffee and mind-bending drugs and they're pretty damn sure to want to join al-Qaeda and overthrow anything in their path. "You people of Zawiyah, stop your children, take their weapons, bring them away from Bin Laden, the pills will kill them." And if the pills don't kill them, Muammar will. And what kind of pills are these? You know, just in case any of us Westerners wanna get some... "These pills in Tripoli are called taxis of Al Jadeeda because when you take them, you will not wake up unless you reach Al Jadeeda. These young people do not realize that they have been killing because they are under the influence of the drugs." But of course. And it wouldn't surprise me to find that the grizzled old strongman was riding in the taxi of Al Jadeeda himself. "I only have moral authority," he added. "I am like the Queen of England."

a strongman weeps

The isolation of Libya's dictator has been growing all week, as foreign ministers, military leaders and high police officials have begun deserting him in droves, many of them fleeing the country. Trusted friends and advisors have ceased returning his calls, five of his seven sons pretend that they don't know him, and his wife Safia Farkash reportedly left Tripoli on Monday to spend some time in a quieter country. Still, Muammar Gaddafi has managed to keep his iron will forefront, determined to hold onto power at any cost. He has seen his world unravel without shedding a tear. Until today, that is, when Gaddafi's beloved dachshund Ben Wah was suddenly gone from his life.   "He loved that little dog as much as he loves his own family," said Gaddafi's playboy son Muatassim. "More than most of us, actually, especially me. He's refused to speak to me ever since he found out I spent a million dollars to get Mariah Carey to sing a couple songs at my New Years party. That damned WikiLeaks! May Julian Assange burn in hell! Ah, well, you're only young once. Sorry about your dog, daddy."   "It really is rather sad," says Seif al-Islam, the only son not estranged from the crusty old coot. "He's just been moping around the house. You know what they say, bad dictator, good dog. That certainly was true for Hitler and Goldie, and it's equally true for Dad and Ben Wah."   "Dad got up this morning, and all he found was Ben Wah's little collar and... a note," Seif continues softly. "It said 'Bad master. Bad master. Roll over. Play dead.' I don't know... No matter how much Dad bragged about that dog, I still don't think he was bright enough to write, so I'm pretty sure that his disappearance involved foul play."

Muammar speaks

...and it is pure folly to suggest otherwise, no matter how much you may wish it were otherwise. You are on drugs, are you not? Believe me, from your behavior that is clearly the case, so I will tell you once again. I can not resign, it is impossible. If I were president, I would have resigned, but I have no position to resign from. I guess you feel pretty silly right now for all your... What?... Excuse me?... Yes, I know I am going long. It is a long speech, and as you can clearly see, I still have several more pages... I don't care if it is almost time for the Ma Tkhafoush Show or not. State television is under my control and... It is not?... When did that happen? Okay, but I swear to Allah that I will have your head as soon as I wrap this thing...   People of Libya, the producer is asking that I hurry things along so that they do not have to preempt the Ma Tkhafoush Show. My first reaction was to laugh scornfully, but then I am reminded of the Libyan people's love for Nour Al-Sharif and because of my love for the majority of my countrymen, I shall comply with his wishes.   As I was saying earlier, blood shall flow. I realize that there are those who would say that blood has already flowed, but you need to realize that I have not yet ordered the use of force, not yet ordered one bullet to be fired. But when I do, everything will burn. Everything will burn while blood flows out of it. It will not be a pretty sight.   Now a lot of you are probably asking yourselves 'Will I burn?' 'Will my blood flow?' That is quite possible, these gangs in the streets would be pleased with such an outcome. However, there is a way for you to escape such a fate. Come out of your homes, attack them in their dens. Withdraw your children from the streets.  They are drugging your children, they are making your children drunk and sending them to hell, so you would certainly be justified in the eyes of the Prophet for detaching these troublemakers from their spleens. Damn those who stir up unrest. If you are on the squeamish side, just round up these rats and I will be more than happy to execute them for you.   So to summarize, I had two major points that I wanted to impart today. Number one, and this is aimed at those of you on drugs, I will never leave Libya. It is not possible that I leave this place. I am a fighter, a revolutionary from tents, and I will die as a martyr. And point number two, blood will flow.   Good night and good luck.

Thune won't run for president

I've never written about John Thune, and I suppose I never will.

Seif speaks

With over 250 protesters killed and thousands injured, Libya today lurched closer to the point of complete collapse. In a show of force, the government began the unusual practice of strafing it's people from military aircrafts. Oil production has been halted by worker strikes, which is a problem for a country with no other source of income except for tourism, and tourism is as dead as the soldiers who have been dismembered for refusing to fire on the people. And Guide of the Revolution Muammar Gadaffi appears to have left the building.   "To be perfectly honest about it, Dad really needed a vacation," said the strongman's son Seif al-Islam Gadaffi. Saif holds absolutely no position of authority in Libya, and yet there he was, addressing the people on state television.   "I thought it would be a good idea," he said later. "I just kind of figured the people would appreciate hearing from a Gadaffi, even if it wasn't the one they were expecting. Apparently I don't have the rhetorical talents of my father, because after I finished speaking, the people went wild in the streets, which really wasn't what I had intended."   "It started off well enough," Seif continued. "I told the people that I was going to give them some straight talk, and you know how the people like that. I mean, I acknowledge that the country was going though a little bit of strife, and I told them we were going to give them some real reform, which is what I thought they wanted. Maybe they were confused by the 'we', since my Dad is a monomaniacal tyrant, after all. In hindsight, I guess I can see why they might think of those as empty words."   "Still, I did the best I could. I even explained that the only reason that the army and police had been shooting them was that they had never received training in dispersal of demonstrations and that kind of put them in a difficult psychological situation. I wish that I had used a studio audience, because that would have given me an indication that things were going south, and I certainly wouldn't have told them that we would fight to our very last man, woman, and bullet. No way I would have gone there."   "Well, what's done is done, as Dad always said," Seif concluded wistfully. "I suppose Libya will be in complete chaos now, and we'll probably have an endless civil war... You know, I guess the one good thing about not having an official government position is that at least you don't have to worry about being deposed."

Paranoia Comix

Friends, for the last couple of weeks, we've been exploring the coming of the Global Caliphate, and how it will be brought about by radical Muslims who are trying to hasten the coming of the Antichrist. I think it's one of the most important stories out there, even though it's been playing havoc with my ratings.

You see, there's a bigger picture that you need to understand, and to do that you have to examine all of the individual components. Today we're going to fit together a few of those pieces - the connection between the coming Global Caliphate, the Antichrist, George Soros, and the disastrous decline of my ratings

George Soros, the radical billionaire financier of ultra left-wing groups like MoveOn.org, or as I like to call him, The Puppet Master. You may recall that I did a series of shows about him back in November, right around the time my ratings really began to tank. Here's a clip of the Puppet Master from this week-end.

Fox News makes a habit — it has imported the methods of George Orwell, you know, newspeak, where you can tell the people falsehoods and deceive them.

That's reality being stood on it's head, friends. Now you may not have noticed, but the man Soros is a CNN pundit by the name of Fareed Zakaria, who follows up by asking the Puppet Master to insult me for telling my audience the truths that he so deviously refers to as falsehoods and deceptions.

I would be amused if people saw the joke in it. Because what Beck is doing, he is projecting what Fox - what Rupert Murdoch is doing, because he has a media empire that is telling the people some falsehoods and leading the government in the wrong direction.

The Big Lie, and the Puppet Master delivers it so glibly. Now listen to what Soros had to say to Fareed Zakaria at the conclusion of the interview.

You just had the experience of speaking to the puppet master and the extreme left-wing manipulator. And you and the audience can make their own decisions.

The Puppet Master is mocking me. He's trying to make me appear insane in an attempt to destroy my ratings, and he's encouraging liberals everywhere to do the same thing. Well, it's not going to work, and I'm going to show you how George Soros is using his vast fortune to finance the Global Caliphate in order to hasten the coming of the Antichrist and the end of my career. Right after this message from Gold Line.

Beck, superimposing that Hitler video was completely over the line.

But I was only trying to illustrate the concept of the big lie, Mister Murdoch.

I don't care. Now leave George Soros alone and find another topic. George Soros is richer than me, and I respect that in a man.

But... I already had the show planned... George Soros dissed you, Mister Rupert. He dissed FOX

I'm surprised you don't understand. Blood is thicker than water, Beck, but gold is thicker than blood.

Uhh...

Now get back out there and finish your show.

Friends, I'm going to digress a little from the topic we were discussing, because another piece of the puzzle has just fallen into place...

the budget creeps forward

"Okay people, settle down. You simply can't win them all."     "Yes we can. We're the majority." "No you can't. Look, we have passed 413 wise Republican cost saving amendments to the budget bill and that's nothing to sniff at, but I think Congressman Barton's last one was ill advised. It really was. Defunding the Office of the Vice President is the sort of tactic that could make us look unnecessarily confrontational."   "You're darn tootin." "Order... order... We've got a lot of work to do yet, people. Let's see... Congressman Issa offers Amendment 417, which would prohibit any use of federal money to study the impact of integral yoga on hot flashes in menopausal women, which he says is a church and state issue. Why do you say that, Darrell? I don't even know what integral yoga is."   "I can't really say I do either, but it has something to do with the union of all the parts of one's being with the divine, which is why I call it a church and state issue."   "And they're using that stuff on menopausal women? That's mind-boggling. In addition, Amendment 417 would prohibit study on the potential impact of a soda tax on population health. We've all seen those ads and I think we understand perfectly well how angry the soda tax makes most Americans. The bill would also prohibit the study of condom use skills in adult males. May I ask exactly what is meant by condom use skills, Congressman Issa?" "You don't want to know, Mister Speaker. And neither do I."   "I suppose you're right. Finally, Amendment 417 prohibits National Science Foundation research into whether video games improve mental health for the elderly. Is there anything to that?"   "I guess we'll never know, Mister Speaker, nor should we. Some doors are better left unopened."   "Very good. This seems like completely sensible legislation to me. Let's put this to a vote and move on. We've got 200 more amendments before we can go on recess."

Happy Birthday, Kim Jong-il

"Let's all give a big hand to Pyongyang's own marvelous Kyrozi Water Dancers... Weren't they great, folks? Always a pleasure to see them in action. Although I'll let you all in on a bit of a secret tonight, just between comrades: the Water Dancers are in a lot of trouble. You might even say that they're swimming in perilous water, because today isn't my birthday. It's my dad's, and that doesn't look like a 69 to me. Hey Water Dancers, I hope that you enjoy dirt farming!"    "Okay, we've got a big evening of entertainment planned including the inspiring Korean Army Marching Band, the amazing acrobats of Kyfong Province, and the always delightful Jongetts. Right now, I don't know about you folks, but my dad could go for some more water sports. So that's what we're going to next, but with a twist - frozen water. That's right, you're in for a real treat, Pyongyang's own Sukeena Ice Dancers. General Sang, have your men freeze the pool, and oh, by the way, no need to remove the Water Dancers."

protesters in real trouble now...

Greetings protesters, your president wishes to have a word with you. Yes, I said your president, whether you like it or not. I realize that there are those among you on the streets today who are not pleased by this fact, but that is not my problem, that is your problem. How many of you remember the Basij? Those guys are pretty good with an iron pipe, aren't they? The last time I unleashed the Basij, I am willing to bet that many of you became very well acquainted with them as they attempted to knock some sense into you, but apparently that lesson was not learned.   This is a teachable moment. How many of you... Hey! Who flung their footwear? I order you to speak up. Nobody? Very well then, I will have to treat you all as the guilty party if you wish to behave like that. I will... Hey! That is not amusing! Be forewarned that the police will be scanning this entire crowd for two men with only shoe. Or one man with no shoes. Anyone who chose to protest barefoot is in for a very bad day.   Now, as to that teachable moment, do you see what it is that I hold in my hand? That is correct, it is a MacBook. And as you may know, one of it's many useful functions is the ability to quickly and easily connect to social networking sites such as, oh, I don't know... such as FaceBook, where it just so happens that I have an account. How man of you are familiar with Freedom Fighting Fazoul? Ah, I can tell by the gasps that I have many friends here today.   The point that I wish to make is that we know who is leading your illegal opposition. Mehdi Karroubi, Mohammad Khatami and Mir Mussein Moussavi, am I correct? I know that I am. They will soon be arrested and their day will just go downhill from there. In a happy coincidence, the Iranian Parliament met earlier today and voted 222-68 that these traitors be declared corrupts on earth and tried. That is a very serious charge, being a corrupt on earth. If they are convicted, and I assure you they will be, the penalty is death. Not just any death either. The Supreme Leader gets to chose the method from the Iranian Blue Book of Butchery, and believe me, there is not a compassionate word in that entire tome.   So. This does not seem to be a very positive environment for continued protest, does it? I will make you a deal, however, as I did promise the Supreme Leader that I would try to avoid a bloodbath. Go on home, and we will pretend that this was all just an overly exuberate celebration of Egypt's liberation. That is a pretty good... Oww! Mohammaddamnit, that one hit me. Okay, that was a Bruno Maglis, you people are really in hot water now...

the quiet man

"I rarely disagree with anything Clarence says," chuckles Chief Justice John Roberts. "I mean, very rarely. Not that we don't differ on certain key issues, but the fact is the man never opens his damn mouth."   It's true. When the Supreme Court begins it's new term next week, Justice Clarence Thomas will shatter his own personal best by having gone a remarkable five years without uttering a single significant syllable in any Supreme Court case. The previous record was set by Justice Samuel 'Silent Sam' Blatchford who maintained a seven week vigil of silence during a 1887 session of the court.   "Yeah, he's a little weird," says Justice Sam Alito. "I mean, I joined the court in 2006, so I've never heard him speak. I kind of think of the man like a piece of the furniture, so it's always rather disconcerting when he actually casts a vote using that silly ass little chalkboard he totes around."   "He's the same way around the house," says wife Ginny Thomas. "That's why I became a Tea Party activist, to have a little noise in my life. When Clarence is home, he just sits on the sofa and watches 'Animal Planet' with the sound off."   "Most of us agree that justice should be blind, but Clarence obviously believes that it should be mute as well," mused Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "I know a lot of hoopla is being made over this five year milestone, but I was here when he first came to the court and I'm here to tell you that he wasn't exactly a chatterbox then. I mean, he would make an occasional disparaging remark about a clients argument or ask for a diet coke, that's about it. It wasn't much, but at least we knew he was still alive."

at the seashore

Hosni: Ah, the smell of the ocean, the warmth of the sun. Your suggestion of a restful retreat was a wise one, Suzanne. There is no place in the world that can compare to Sharm el-Sheikh.   Suzanne: I suppose, but just once I'd like to go somewhere else for vacation. You promised you would take me to Hawaii.   Hosni: I said I would take you to Hawaii when I retired. Right now I've got a country to rule.   Suzanne: Whatever...   Hosni: Just wait until Ashton Kutcher appears before the rabble and tells them they've been punked.   Suzanne: You hired Ashton Kutcher?   Hosni: Yes, he works for remarkably cheap these days. You know Suzanne, I think I will treat you to a little taste of Hawaii. Waiter! Kindly fetch the first lady and me a couple of pina coladas and a plate of fresh pineapple.   Waiter: I'm sorry, we quartered our last pineapple yesterday before you got here. It has been most difficult getting supplies in the past couple weeks.   Hosni: My bad. Do you have anything at all that's Hawaiian?   Waiter: I... don't know. Can you give me an example of things that are Hawaiian?   Hosni: Suzanne, give the man an example of some things Hawaiian.   Suzanne: Pineapples.   Waiter: I'll be right back with your order.   Hosni: Get a load of that, Suzanne. I ask him for pineapple and he tells me there is no pineapple, but you ask him and he's scurrying off. That is a despicable way to treat your leader. I have half a mine to have him tortured. Guards!   Soldier: What is it, Mister Mubarak?   Hosni: First off, it is President Mubarak not Mister Mubarak. Secondly, kindly beat a little respect into that arrogant waiter.   Soldier: I'm sorry, Mister Mubarak, but that is not a part of my job description. I'm just here to make certain you're not assassinated. For anything else, you're on your own.   Hosni: I cannot believe this sort of blatant insubordination.   Soldier: Yeah, but what you going to do about it, call a guard?   Hosni: Guards! Soldier: Afraid it's just me. Whoa, look at the time. It's past the end of my shift. Good luck old man...   Hosni: Who are you calling old man? I ought to... Hey! Come back here! I'm talking to you... What if there's an assassin lurking? Oh man...   Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid your American Express card was declined.    Hosni: What? I have seventy billion dollars in my account. Now bring me my pina colada.   Waiter: Uh, there was something about the Swiss freezing your assets... Would you like to pay cash for that?   Hosni: The beloved leader of Egypt doesn't go walking around carrying cash.   Waiter: Yeah, well the beloved leader of Egypt doesn't have a pina colada either, does he?   Hosni: Suzanne, pay the man.   Suzanne: All I have is some gold 100 piastres coins. Can you take those?   Waiter: Indeed I can. That looks like the peoples gold, and I shall liberate it in the peoples name. However, as a gesture of mercy, I shall bring you both a complimentary farewell pina colada.   Hosni: A farewell pina colada? But I'm not... Oh man...

now it starts to get weird...

photo: Tara Todras-Whitehall, AP   ...but don't worry about that till tomorrow. Congratulations to the people of Egypt. At least for the moment, you're an inspiration to the world.

lunch

earlier...

As I'm sure you all know, Speaker Boehner and I just returned from the White House a short while ago, where we met with the president for lunch and discussed the need to cut spending, so I wanted to meet with the rest of the caucus to give you an update on our talks. It was a good meeting, wasn't it Boss?

Quite constructive, Eric, particularly Joe Biden's Nancy Pelosi anecdote. That really broke the ice... A very nice lunch indeed.

I agree. Not to be all Kumbaya, but I think it emphasized the need for us all to work together.

And there's a certain logic to the idea that you begin that process by all eating together.

Yes, breaking bread... But we must not let the will of our mission to be broken, because we've got two huge financial bills that we need...

You know, I like lunch a hell of a lot more than I like dinner. A hell of a lot more. That's the funny thing about presidents, they'll invite you to dinner but they never invite you to lunch.

And this was a very productive lunch, Boss. One which gave us a opportunity to clearly state...

They call me up for these state dinners and I'm like 'no way, Jack'. Way I see it, once I get off the House floor, the rest of the day is mine. I'm not going to spend all night at some stuffy formal dinner, but call me for lunch and I'll be there with bells on. I'll bet the president didn't know that about me.

No, he probably didn't...

Bush had me over for lunch a couple of times, but the man ate like a peasant. Always with the damn cheeseburgers.

I... guess this must have been a very satisfying day for you, then... Now as I was...

Very satisfying. But Eric, straight up, you should have seen your face when they brought out that stuffed chicken.

It was enormous. I had a chicken breast that was as big as my plate.

I thought, there is no way I'm not going to be able to eat all that, but the crab and shrimp stuffing was so light that I polished it off with no problem. Even had room left for desert.

More like two deserts, John... As I informed the president, the budget cuts we intend to pass now are only the beginning. As we consider the 2012 budget, I foresee...

Our budget is bloated, just like me. You're right, I never should have had two deserts, but the butterscotch mousse was so good. Anyway, very productive lunch... Sorry for interrupting...

I also informed President Obama that we had every intention of defunding his...

You know, the thing I liked best was the fact that you didn't need to flag down the server to get another drink. As soon as you were near the bottom, he was right there with another.

Oh lord, it's going to be a long couple years...