maverick

"Good times, Joe, good times. You know, you can go to an Applebee's anywhere in this country, and you're going to end up with a smile on your face. Unless you're Cindy."   "Yeah, Cindy, put a little wiggle in your wobble."   "I don't even know what you're talking about, Joe, but I assure you that my wiggling days are over."   "Whoa. Is she always like this, John?"   "Most of the time, Joe, but she's still my first lady."   "John always gets bubbly like this after a Middle East trip. I'm surprised you didn't go with him, Joe."   "Yeah, I know, but it's so hot in Libya this time of year... and John spends all his time talking to Lindsey, so I just..."   "You should have. You would have loved Tripoli, Joe, it's exhilarating, it's inspirational, and the people are so grateful to the United States that it really makes you proud."   "And to think, there's probably nobody running for president that would have lifted a finger to intervene."   "Tell me about it, Joe. I heard Michele Bachmann blaming Obama for the Arab Spring. No shit, blaming him for it. I mean, I don't know how responsible for it he is, but I think high praise would be a better response. I'll tell you one thing though - Obama is one terrorist killing sonofabitch."   "He's a terrorist killing machine, John. My God, every time you turn around, he's killing another terrorist."   "I guess it's not as hard as President Dunderhead made it sound. It helps out to have a president with ice in his heart. You know, I'm really starting to like this Barack Obama, I don't care what anybody says."   "Well, there's certainly nobody running against him that would show his gumption."   "I know... there's something really wrong with the Republican party. That's why I'm going to do something you might find a little crazy. I'm going to endorse him for president."   "John!"   "That's right, Cindy. Maybe even do a little campaigning for him. It'll be the most mavericky thing I've ever done."   "I don't know if that's such a good idea, John."   "It's the same thing you did for me, Joe. Come on, it would be a lot of fun. Neither of us are running for office again, so what would we have to lose?"   "The respect of our... Uh, not a lot, I guess."

come on in, the water's fine

Tom Toles nails it.   (from here)

CC?

"I remember how hard it was in 2008, what with all the liberals being so happy about Barack Obama," said Virginia Ware, an effusive supporter of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. "They all seemed to be having so much fun, and there we were stuck with John McCain. The liberals really thought they had found the one. They thought Obama was their Messiah." "They were way wrong," Ware snaps, pausing to slide a 'Trentonians for Christie' flyer under the windshield wiper of a dirty white Ford Taurus. "He was a false Messiah. And I know that because we've got the real thing right here in Trenton. And you know how you can tell? Because he won't answer our prayers. That's enough proof for me that he's the real thing."   Christie fever is running rampant through Red America, where the desire for a president who looks like the fat guy from a TV sitcom has become increasingly palpable. For the Republican presidential candidates, the prospect of Christie joining the race is seen as a mixed blessing.   "Chris is a great friend, a great guy, a colorful character," Mitt Romney said at a campaign stop in New Hampshire. "Who knows, maybe he'll get in. It'd be fun if he got in, it really would. You know, I didn't have a lot of fun the last time I ran for president. You know the book 'Game Change'? It's all true. None of the other candidates liked me and they weren't afraid to let me know it, so the idea of having a buddy in the race is really exciting. Maybe we could bunk together. You should see his Jackie Gleason impersonation - 'And away we go' and he kicks up his foot in a little dance move. That guy cracks me up. The only negative is how to deal with beating him. I mean, I'd feel pretty bad about that. Of course, he might beat me, and then the shoe would be on the other foot. Oh well, I guess it's always better to be beaten by someone you like, and at any rate, it would be nice to finally have a friend in the White House."   "Chris Christie runnin for president, that's a good one," chuckled Rick Perry. "That fella doesn't even look like he could walk for president. But it's all right, it's all right, him gettin in now might shake things up, specially for old Mitt. Yeah, I don't think that big boy's even gonna get his feet wet tryin to wade in my voter pool, so he'll have to go for Willard's. Oh man, I bet old Mitt's sweatin bullets about now... What's that? He's sympatico with Romney? I'm gonna have to think about it now. I'd hate to have a candidate offerin Mitt even a little camaraderie."   "If Christie were to get in, I would be overjoyed," confided Newt Gingrich. "For one thing, they would quit calling me the portly one in the race. People can be cruel, even when you don't want them to be. And he'll definitely hurt Romney, which is a good thing in and of itself. More importantly, it would knock some of the luster off of Perry, not that he hasn't accomplished that on his own. But you know how the voters are, they always love that new candidate smell."   "It's a free country, I don't care who gets in, other than Romney, but he's already in, so that's water under the bridge," scoffed businessman Herman Cain. "I just don't want this sucker to be hustling me for any free pizzas."

Mitt Meets The Donald

"Good afternoon, Mister Trump, it's great to finally get a chance to sit down and break bread with you... Mister Trump?.... Uh, are you okay?.... You... look upset."   "I was just looking at my watch, Governor Romney, and it had something very interesting to say. It said that the time was 2:07."   "And so it is, yes. My, that's a fine looking timepiece you're wearing. May I ask what is?"   "It's a friggin watch is what it is. And now it says 2:08, is what it says. You were supposed to be here at two-o'-clock sharp."   "Oh, right, but I was pretty close. We got to Trump Towers and realized that there really wasn't any back entrance, so we had to go across the street to the subway station and take the entrance in from there."   "Why didn't you simply take the front door?"   "Boy, that would have been a lot more convenient, but I kind of wanted to avoid any photo-ops."   "You wanted to avoid any photo-ops? Explain."   "Oh, you know. Walking into this opulent building with it's gold-plated awnings to meet with a megalomaniac... That's the sort of image I'm trying to avoid, the whole rich guy thing."   "Believe me, if I am forced by circumstances to get into the presidential race, a move which that would require me to disclose the financial reach of my empire, you would not need to worry about being referred to as the rich guy."   "I'm sure that's true, but the fact that..."   "We are drifting far afield from my original point, which is that you arrived at 2:07 for a 2:00 meeting. Promptness is a crucial component of leadership."   "Well, let's get to lunch. Say, I thought I heard that Sarah Palin was over an hour late to meet with you. True?"   "Sarah Palin is no leader."   "Good point. You had lunch with Michele Bachmann, too, didn't you? Was she on time?"   "She was early. That sort of over-eagerness is an unattractive trait in anyone seeking high office. And she has atrocious table manners."   "Okay, then, let's get on with this. I believe I understand the ground rules. We have lunch, you pontificate a while, and afterwards you say slightly less unkind things about me because now you can call me an associate."   "Good response. You demonstrate at least a minimal grasp of the dynamics. Plus, I reserve the right to later say that I have met all of the candidates and found them wanting, and then announce a third-party candidacy."   "Uh huh. Should I kiss your ring now or after lunch?"   "I would prefer now."   "Well, forget about it. That's not going to happen."   "Good answer. Rick Perry slobbered all over the damn thing... Come on, we can take the elevator to the garage if you don't want any photographs."

[special to FGAQ]

A stern rebuke to the inanely blathering Gallup Organization  George Gallup, Jr   I have written before here on the pages of FGAQ [and yes, I am well aware of the fact that these are not actual 'pages', but you must forgive an old pollster his habits] about the pioneering work of the statistical analyst who bequeathed to me my name, and how his career was nearly ruined by his faulty prediction of a Dewey victory in the 1948 presidential election, an unforced error committed through the simple omission of the proper follow up question.   It is a lesson that I never forgot once I took over the helm of the mighty ship Gallup. Indeed, I was nearly legendary for my follow-up questions, and there is a simple reason why - at the time when I would be making my initial query, my mind would be whirling with the formulation of a follow-up. [As an example, the 1996 presidential elections were preceded by a number of polls showing Bob Dole trouncing Bill Clinton, a result that I found to be highly unlikely. Prior to our own poll, I instructed our interviewers to ask the following to anyone who selected Dole - "Oh, really?" Needless to say, our poll was on the money, and our glory continued to grow.]   Sadly, current Gallup CEO Jim Clifton - a man who is, alas, neither blood nor spiritual kin - has not always been as keen on this sort of follow-up and follow through. I have upbraided him on numerous occasions for his slovenly work ethic to little avail. [More accurately, I have seriously reproached his secretary, as Mister Clifton finds a way to avoid my calls]. The current Gallup Organization is always polling, polling, incessantly polling, with little regard to the importance or significance of the matter at hand. Furthermore, after completing one of these ludicrous samples, Gallup has now taken to formatting them into ludicrous attention-seeking opinion pieces, as though the facts were unable to speak for themselves.   No real newsman reads a Gallup poll for it's entertainment value or 'political slant', they read the topic, and they note the numbers. This is the reason that I nearly suffered apoplexy today when I read the latest piece of excretory brouhaha to bear the Gallup logo - 'Majority Rates Obama Same or Worse Compared With Bush'.   With trembling hands I began to delve into the raw data, scant as it was. My keen pollsters eye had immediately fixed on the word 'same', a loaded word if there ever was one. I shuddered to think of the many ways in which that short adjective could be abused, and I was right to shudder. To wit: 34% of respondents did indeed say that Obama was worse than Bush, while 22% said that he was 'the same', and I cannot deny that this equals 56%, thus making the headline technically true. What may not be immediately clear to the unskilled analyst, however, is the fact that 43% responded that Obama was better than Bush, while the coalition of the wishy-washey malcontents still provided 22% who voted 'same'. For those of you keeping score at home, that equals 65%, meaning that the only way to honestly report the results would have been 'Majority Rates Obama Same or Better Compared With Bush'. This is the way that facts become fictions, and I vigorously object.   But the shame does not end there. Indeed not. Imagine, if you will, if Clifton's clowns had reported 'Obama beats Bush 65% to 56%' and you will immediately come to the understanding that even in a mathematically challenged nation such as ours, such an outcome would be impossible, and that the integrity of the poll had been completely undermined by the reckless use of the word 'same'. [Memo to Jim Clifton: Back in my day we had a somewhat more complex word - 'undecided'. You would be well advised to look it up and learn it.]    Hoping for a silver lining, I proceeded to look at the party breakdown and was astounded by what I found - the vast majority of those who though Bush was worse were Democrats and the vast majority of those who thought Obama was lesser were Republicans. Stop the presses!    Although polling methodology is summarily included, in all honesty I do not think that any such survey was ever taken, and have decided to take my own meticulous survey to find out how many people believe that this was a product of Clifton's fevered imagination as opposed to those who feel it was a prank perpetrated by the college interns. But be advised, Mister Clifton, you have failed, and in doing so I shall look upon the current management of Gallup with ever greater disdain.

friday funk

Bootsy, forever funky, today and thirty years ago

Thaddeus McCotter, 2011-2011

Rock in peace, Thaddeus McCotter, rock in peace.   In the saddest news of the day, the Jimi Hendrix of the GOP has abandoned his dream of somehow becoming president of the United States, a move so shocking that the Dow dropped nearly 400 points in response. In spite of the development, FOX News callously announced that they would not cancel tonight's Republican debate.   "I'm as upset as anyone by the news," said FOX programming chief Roger Ailes, "which is to say, not all that upset. Still, the show must go on, as I'm sure Thaddeus would say if we were to bother asking him. But in his honor, we are including Gary Johnson, another totally unknown candidate."   "Friggin Gary Johnson," grumbled McCotter, playing the opening bars of 'Satisfaction', of which he has been able to get none. "Some guys have all the luck. The only thing anyone knows about him is that he wants to legalize pot. Well, guess what, Gary Johnson, I'm high right now, and I can play this guitar just like a ringing bell."   "He can't play that guitar just like a ringing bell," said Mike Huckabee, the greatest living GOP bass player. "If he could, I would have had him on my show long ago. The man can't even play a simple riff like 'Satisfaction'. At any rate, I would say that it's always sad to see a dream die, but seeing as how he said he's throwing his support to my arch-enemy Mitt Romney, I think I'll just keep my mouth shut."   "Oh, great," said Romney. "That's one more vote I can count on."

because everybody love it when I write about monetary policy

"Nice central bank you got here. Shame if something should happen to it." - Ezra Klein       As the Central Bank ponders it's next step, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is certain of only one thing - one wrong move and he's in for a world of hurt.   He's in a precarious position, and has already been warned about the consequences of missteps by no less of a luminary than economic mastermind Governor Rick Perry, the man who single-handedly created twenty-three million jobs in Texas, and warned Bernanke a full month ago not to be "printin' more money."   "Printin' more money to play politics at this particular time in American history," Perry said, pausing to lick his lips and finger his concealed weapon, "is almost treasonous. In my humble opinion, that is. Hellfire, did I say almost? I don't want to be hedging my words, so you can just forget about that one. If this varmint prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Texas ugly."   "Oh man, that sure sounds like a threat to me," Bernanke said at the time. "I mean, treason is a capital offense, and Governor Perry is not known for his leniency, so just in case he's the next president, I guess the one thing I don't want to be doing is printin' more money."   Since Perry's dire warning, Bernanke has received a cavalcade of insults, ultimatums, and veiled threats from every corner of the RepubliTea™ party. And then this Monday, just hours before the Fed was scheduled to convene it's quarterly meeting, Bernanke received a letter hand delivered by a large man named Luigi signed by the four horsemen of the RepubliTea™ party, Boehner, McConnell, Kyl, and the odious Cantor.   "Dear Chairman Bernanke," it began ironically, "It is our understanding that the Board Members of the Federal Reserve will meet later this week to consider additional monetary stimulus proposals. We write to express our reservations about any such measures." The letter then went on to suggest that the very best thing the Fed could do was absolutely nothing, and "that if, God forbid, the economy should somehow happen to improve before the 2012 election, your ass is grass and we're the human lawnmower."   "We obviously couldn't just do nothing," Bernanke said this afternoon following the Feds announcements of it's latest move. "So we've taken a middle course which should kind of look like nothing to these, uh, fine statesmen, which is to rebalance our portfolio, shifting some of our short-term securities into long-term holdings. Surely that can't be construed as some kind of monetary stimulus or..."   "Did somebody just call me a statesman? Where is that bearded socialist? Just wait till I get my hands on that treasonous varmint!"   "Uh oh," said Bernanke, breaking out into a sweat. "I think that was Rick Perry and it sounds like he's heading my way."

'apt metaphor' tweets Ed Rollins

pic: Charlie Niebergall / Associated Press via L A Times "The way they light the warehouse, it looks just like Squire Boon Caverns in Mauckport, Indiana,  but also you can get a lot closer to the stalactites. And they're made out of meat!"

Class Warfare Comix

I've got twelve cars that I don't use I'm wearing thousand dollar shoes But now it's time to pay my dues I got them old class warfare blues Take it, Tex...

I've been takin it, Mister Buffett. I've been takin it for a long time.

Ain't that the truth?

Takin it on the chin, takin it up the ass, but with the economy bein in this awful mess, I just can't afford to say take this job and shove it.

Well, it's just not right. Did you know that my secretary pays a higher tax rate than I do?

That totally boggles my mind, Mister Buffett... Is that the God-honest truth?

It sure is, Tex. You see, all of Mister Buffetts income is derived from capital gains, so his tax rate is only 15%, while I'm paying 28%.

And don't forget, Sue, I only pay Social Security and Medicare on a tiny fraction of my income, while you pay it on your entire salary.

That's a sad story, but any new burdens placed on America's job creators is a form of class warfare.

Unless you've got a harmonica behind that handkerchief, you best be moving on. This stage is for players only.

Pitting one group of Americans against another is not leadership...This administration's insistence on raising taxes on job creators and its...

I don't think you heard the lady, Boehner. Show this bore the door, Agent Smith.

Beat it, pal, and don't let me see you again unless you have a banjo in your hand.

You know, Mister President, I think it's about time that you started making sure that wealthy folks like me pay our fair share. I don't know, maybe propose a millionaire tax.

I'm one step ahead of you, Warren. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to name it after you. You rule, Ukulele Man, so I'm going to call it the Buffett Rule.

Hot diggity, that's gonna make the fat cats get up and dance.

Don't forget the oil subsidy giveaways and the corporate jet tax loophole.

I would never forget the corporate jet tax loophole, Sue. Okay, everybody, let's play 'Night Train' in the key of B-sharp!

CNNTP

“I’m proud to say that this was the craziest debate yet, and I think that CNN can really build on it.” So says Wolf Blitzer, the biggest name on a network bereft of big names. There was a time, however, when CNN was the brightest star in the galaxy of cable news, a golden era that stretched all the way from their founding at the hands of Ted Turner until that fateful day when somebody else said “Hey, maybe I’ll start a news channel too.”

“It was a brilliant move for CNN to team up with the Tea Party for the third debate, and I don’t think anyone can deny that,” brags Blitzer. “Those guys are TV magic, and I for one like the look of a little stardust sprinkled on my beard. It may itch a little, but we love to scratch, and maybe now we can make a little as well.”

“Oh, there were some glorious moments in our grand debate, but given the motley cast of characters, how could there not have been? We played our part well, never pretending to be superior to the actors we hosted, and we even staged it a bit like a WWF event, just with the action being verbal rather than physical. I must admit that  if there had been a shove, a slap, or even a punch we would not have been unhappy, and the audience would have been ecstatic. Did you hear the cries of glee when I asked if an injured thirty year old with no insurance should be left to die? That, my friends, is television gold.”

“I see us getting very cozy with the Tea Party. After all, they need a network too. Republicans have FOX, Democrats have MSNBC, and we’ve just been stuck here with the fuzzy middle, yearning for another party to emerge. And now that our prayers have been answered, we’d be crazy not to pounce on it like Rick Perry on a puppy threatening coyote. We’re even thinking of changing our name. I’m not one to speak out of school, but how does the sound of CNNTP grab you? A little too subtle perhaps, but I like the ring of it.”

Newt takes a pass

"Hello... Hello... Am I on? Sean?"   "Yeah, you're on, Mister Speaker. Why don't you just go ahead and introduce yourself - I'm having a little snack."   "Uh, okay... Hello, America, I'm Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and 2012 Republican presidential contender..."   "Yeah, kind of... In a matter of speaking..."   "I'm sorry, Sean, I don't get what you're trying to say."   "I thought I was very clear. In a matter of speaking, you're a presidential contender. Just like in a matter of speaking Thaddeus McCotter is a presidential contender."   "I think the phrase you're looking for is in a manner of speaking, Sean."   "Whatever."   "And you know as well as anybody that I am totally committed to being the next president of the United States... Uh, why do you have all the lights off in the studio?"   "As I said at the top of the segment, I'm having a snack, and I don't want you staring at me while I eat my nachos."    "You should pass those nachos right away."   "Even if I was inclined to share, I believe that you know that is a physical impossibility. I'm sitting here in my studio and you're on a monitor being broadcast from..."   "I know that, Sean. It's just a little joke. Watching Obama's jobs speech last night, I was quite amused by the way he kept repeating the phrase pass this bill. Every other sentence it was 'pass the jobs bill' or 'pass this bill right away'."   "I of course refused to watch the speech because it was on MSNBC, but when I read the transcript I found that to be more obnoxious than funny."   "My own personal feeling is that Obama is trying his hardest to put government ahead of the private sector, and you don't create jobs by throwing taxpayer money at the unemployed, you create jobs by easing the taxes and restrictions on the job creators, reducing our dependency..."   "But now that I think about it, it's more insidious than it is obnoxious. It's like brainwashing, you say 'pass this bill' enough times and people start wandering around thinking we need to pass this bill right now but they don't know why."   "I guess that's certainly possible, Sean. But like I was saying, pass the ketchup right now."   "Are you insane, Mister Speaker? You don't put ketchup on nachos."   "No, of course not. You know how it is when you get a phrase stuck in your head and can't stop saying it?"   "No I don't. I am not one to repeat myself."   "Another way to look at it is that 'pass this bill' can just turn into one of those silly catch phrases that don't mean anything anymore. For example, did you know that Ronald Reagan was the first person to ever say 'sock it to me'? Of course he only used it once. But then Richard Nixon said it and all of a sudden everybody was going around saying 'sock it to me'."   "I'll take your word for that since you're quite a bit older than me, but you prove my point exactly. Obama's repetition is a not so subtle form of brainwashing."   "Pass the dutchie, Sean."   "What?"   "Pass the dutchie. It's a, uh, song by Musical Youth that was popular back when I was younger, and Lil Wayne made a new version recently... I just thought it was funny." "Well, you certainly have an odd sense of humor. Have you considered the possibility that that's one of the reasons we haven't had you on the show lately?"   "Because of my sense of humor? I don't think..."   "My good friend Michele Bachmann was supposed to do the show tonight and she had to cancel at the last minute and then they surprise me with you."   "I guess they figured they could always get me at the last minute, which is a bit of a misconception propagated by the elite media."   "I mean, for God's sake, why do you think I'm sitting here with the lights off. I don't want to be seen with you. You've been a correspondent here at FOX, you know how it works. I've moved on to the higher profile candidates. You're supposed to be Neil Cavuto's guest now."   "But he's not even in prime time."   "And neither are you, Mister Speaker, but we appreciate you joining us tonight. Now, stay tuned after the break, when we'll return for a very revealing conversation with my special guest Dick Morris."

the economic question

"I couldn't be more pleased that you asked that question tonight, Brian, because I certainly have the most detailed economic plan of anyone else on stage. Has anyone else here got a plan big enough to put into a 160 page booklet? No pictures either, Governor Perry, so you might want one of your aides to read it for you and give you a summary."   "What the heck, Romney, you bein' aggressive with me?"   "Not aggressive, Governor. I myself am a gentleman. I know that's a dirty word for some of you tea partiers, but I always like to stay true to myself. No, I'm being enthusiastic, because in my hand I hold a rather nifty prop whipped up by my marketing department - an economy sized bottle of Mitt Romney 59 'Believe in America' sauce. You see, my economic plan has 59 separate proposals - or ingredients, as I like to call them - that will not only restore the American economy, but set it humming like never before."   "But Governor Romney, the Wall Street Journal today actually called your plan 'rather timid'. How would you respond to that?"   "Well, I suppose if you would describe 4% annual growth during my term and 11 million new jobs in the next four years, then timid it is. But I believe that once you try it, you'll be as excited as I am about it's rich bold flavor."   "Hey Wall Street boy, is it good on a burger?"   "I realize that Governor Perry is trying to make a joke, but just for the hard of thinking, let me clarify - you do not put it on a burger, you put it on America and it makes your economy taste better than ever. That's due to fine quality ingredients like the all-natural Reagan economic zones, which will transform our trade deficit into a situation that will make you shout in delight, and the eye-opening tax..."   "Time, Governor."   "Try it today, you'll be glad you did."   "Thank you, Governor Romney. Congresswoman Bachmann, how would you restore the economy?"   "I have an excellent plan which is 100% Tea Party approved, and I'd love to talk about it, but first I need to address an injustice which is taking place here on this stage. You are allowing Governor Romney to use a prop."   "That's correct."   "That's your answer? That's correct? That's outrageous, nobody gets to use a prop during a debate."   "We have no restrictions that address the issue. To repeat my question, Congresswoman, what is your plan to restore the economy?"   "I know the question, Brian Williams, and I know your game. I should never have agreed to do a debate on MSNBC. You guys in the liberal media want to give an advantage to the least conservative candidates here. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if you told him he could bring a prop. I'll bet you gave the word to Jon Huntsman as well."   "Yeah, they did, Michelle."   "Well, I think we should all..."   "Time, Congresswoman. Ambassador Huntsman, are you able to answer the question any more effectively?"   "Indeed I am, Brian. You may notice that in my hand I'm holding a replica of a Formula One racing car which represents my economic plan which will get America moving at top speed. You see, the secret is..."

Mister Unpopularity

Graphic created via Fakeposters.com   Once the magic fades away, it's usually gone for good, and there's just no bringing it back as Vanilla Ice would indisputably tell you. Oh sure, a few diehard fans sometimes remain, and after a decade or so you might even get lucky enough to score a home renovation show on some third-rate basic cable reality network, but you know what they say about the moving finger - it writes, and having writ moves on, perhaps flashing you the bird on the way out as an afterthought.   With a job approval rating of only 43% with just fourteen months to go before the 2012 elections, Barack Obama now has the lowest approval ever registered by any president in the past fifty years except for Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H W Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W Bush.   "I kinda feel sorry for the poor fella. I can't help myself, I'm a compassionate human bean," says current Republican frontrunner Rick Perry. "If I was him, I'd probably be thinking bout takin a long walk off of a short pier, not that I mean to offer unchristian-like advice. Just sayin, that's all. I mean, look, they call me 'Governor Goodhair', and even though I'm not crazy about that moniker, it's kind of a compliment in a way. Reagan they called 'The Gipper', the first Bush was 'Poppy', and even Clinton was called 'Slick Willie'. This poor guy has been in office near three years, and he doesn't even have a nickname, unless you count 'The Socialist'."   "A presidency is like a marriage, don't you think," Sarah Palin today asked a still smitten Sean Hannity (who answered in the affirmative). "In this case it's a really bad marriage, and this Mama Grizzly told the American people that it was no way going to work out, but oh no they wouldn't listen and they woke up the next morning with their hope hangover to find themselves in a loveless relationship that they can't get out of and so they're forced to just stay in the same house for four years exchanging harsh words and nasty glances, and that's no way to be."   "I hate to disagree with my good friend Sarah Palin," lied Michele Bachmann, "but a presidency is not like a marriage at all. God wants us to work out our relationships for the good of the children, and that would mean making sure Barack Obama was not a one term president. No, a presidency is more like a cell phone contract where you don't like the service, but when you try to end it they say 'I'm sorry, Mrs Bachmann, you've still got fourteen months left on this contract'. And you say 'well, I don't care, I want to cancel it anyway', and they say 'We'll be glad to cancel it but you'll still have to pay'. So you just throw your hands up in the air and realize you're stuck with the blasted phone for the next fourteen months."   President Obama is not commenting on the latest polls, but an aide close to the White House revealed that he has taken the unusual step of joining Match.com.   "The President is cognizant of his current situation," the loose lipped aide explained. "He's found out for himself how lonely it is at the top when you're unpopular. But with over twenty million members at Match.com, he's very confident that he'll be able to find a new constituency out there somewhere."

back to the grindstone

All right you numbskulls, break time is over. I hope everybody's feeling well rested and ready to get down to some serious gridlock, because in spite of our complaints, we find ourselves addicted to it.

The Fighting Democrats

"Well, Ibrahim, it's been a long and deadly battle, but it appears that our travails are at last coming to an end."   "It does appear that way, Yusif, although I shall not rest until we have the tyrant in our clutch."   "That is a fine daydream, Ibrahim, but what do you think the odds are that we would be the ones lucky enough to capture Muammar Gaddafi?"   "Perhaps they are not all that high, but certainly more likely than those of winning the Libyan Lucky Lotto, and it has not escaped my attention, Yusif, that you have played that weekly, even during the height of battle."   "Indeed I have, it is my one true addiction. Someday my numbers will come up. I always play the same ones - 8, 37, 94, 117, 347, 819, and 1314 as the wild card option."   "Ah, Yusif, can't you see that the game is rigged? The odds are astronomical, and no one has ever won since they expanded the number of balls to 1500."   "True, Ibrahim, but the jackpot is now up to three and a half million dinars... So, Just what would you do to the tyrant if you were so fortunate as to be the one to find him?"   "Just something simple, probably, like rip out his heart and show it to him. Of course, first I'd make him squeal like a pig."   "Heh, heh... Of course! That would be a grand scene, would it not, Muammar squealing like a pig and then 'Is that my heart you hold, you cockroach? Aiyeeee!' A most excellent scenario, Ibrahim, if I do say so myself."   "Thank you. I kind of like it... Yusif, I've been thinking. Now that we are victorious, do you not think we should adopt a new name? To my ears, the rebels sounds a bit generic."   "Really, Ibrahim? I think it has a classic sound, and envision it in all capital letter - THE REBELS! What would you suggest?"   "Well, I am not saying that THE REBELS! is a bad name, Yusif. The people could always sing 'Hey hey we're THE REBELS!, and people see us fighting around, so Muammar better be hiding, cause we're coming to his town'."   "Yes, yes, absolutely!"   "Truly, that is a fine theme song. However, I much prefer The Fighting Democrats."   "Bwahahahahahahaha ho ho...."   "What? Do I amuse you?"   "It is just that you are funny, you know. That was an amusing name, and it's funny, you're a funny guy."   "Allow me to understand this because, you know, perhaps it is me, I am a little battle weary perhaps, but I am funny how? You mean funny like I am a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I am here to fucking amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny in what manner? How am I funny?"   "Uh... one brief moment... you have used an oxymoron..."   "And you have used a word that I do not understand but which I feel may have negatively referenced my mother's son."   "No no, Ibrahim. An oxymoron is a phrase containing funny and conflicting words. Like jumbo shrimp." "I can well imagine that jumbo shrimp would be delicious, Yusif, but what would be funny about them?"   "You see jumbo is... Uh, never mind, Ibrahim. How about the Libyan Ministry for Domestic Harmony?"   "Oh. Ho, ho, that is an amusing ministry indeed. But what makes The Fighting Democrats funny? Oh wait. I get it. You are saying that Democrats don't fight, aren't you? Yes, I see that. But... Would it not be a noble and attractive mission to redefine the concept?"   "I don't think... Yes. Yes it would, Ibrahim. From now on, we shall be the Fighting Democrats."    "Well then, let's sojourn on, Yusif. I believe there is a dictator's heart nearby with my name on it."