Thank you Michael Steele

Thank you very very much.

“I fulfill the role that's inherently mine Teaching politics through my rap and my rhyme I'm signing off this track with a question in mind How will this country get its precious change in time? Three things taught me conservative love: Jesus, Ronald Reagan, plus Atlas Shrugged Saving our nation from inflation devastation On my hands and my knees praying for salvation" ---- from 'Young Con Anthem' by the Young Cons Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for the new voice of the GOP, Stilz and Serious C - The Young Cons!

H/T to HufPo

flash in the pan proves to be flash in the pan

In a non-shocking event that all but the most dull-witted saw coming, transient sensation Susan Boyle turned back into a pumpkin after failing to emerge victorious on England's smash hit TV show 'Britain's Got Talent'. British voters handily awarded the first place prize of $160,000 dollars to Banjo the Wonder Dog, who secured the win after delivering a sterling version of Gwen Stefani's 'Sweet Escape'. Scottish singer Boyle received worldwide attention largely on the strength of her frumpiness, resulting in the YouTube of her debut performance being viewed 230 million times, but in the end that was not enough to bring her victory. Anecdotal evidence, in fact, suggests that the video was actually watched by only a few hundred thousand equally frumpy women with talent who viewed it incessantly, forcing it upon any acquaintance or family member they were able to corral. . "At the end of the day, I suppose it did come as quite a shock to some people to hear a voice like that coming out of such a frumpy individual," said host Simon Cowell. "She really did sing like an angel, but lets get real - who wants to hear an angel sing? And to be more specific, who wants to hear an angel caterwaul through that histrionic Les Miserables claptrap? And, I might mention, that was the very same number she did for her first performance. The show is called 'Britain's Got Talent', not 'Britain Sings Karaoke'. You didn't see Banjo the Wonder Dog come back out and try to win a reprise of his highly acclaimed 'Jingle Bells'; no, Banjo took a risk and decided to rock the house with a little Gwen Stefani." "I spent seventy-five quid on a new frock that I'll never wear again only to be beaten by a bleedin' dog?" said Boyle, obviously somewhat disappointed by the unsurprising turn of events. "Bloody 'ell. Bloody flippin' 'ell."

Sotomayor only in it for the money

The GOP has taken up a new line of attack against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, claiming that she may be interested in serving on the high court only for the potentially lucrative benefits that it has to offer. Sotomayor's latest financial disclosure form, acquired via a FOIA request, reveals that the total amount of her accumulated wealth is somewhere between fifty and a hundred fifteen thousand dollars, all of which is invested in Citibank checking and savings accounts. Appearing via video on Hannity's America was Senator John McCain, who was somewhat aghast by this latest revelation. "If this proves to be true, the least we can say is that is shows shockingly poor judgment on Ms Sotomayor's part," claimed McCain, who in that maverick sort of way of his, voted against her back when she was nominated by Papa Bush for the Court of Appeals. "That's not what I'd call the the can-do spirit, the fulfillment of the American dream, to reach the age of 54 and not be able to afford a pot to piss in." "It should give everybody pause," replied Hannity. "And the liberals, all they want to tell you is how bright she is, how intelligent she is, how she's struggled to become this Christ-like figure, and you're looking at a woman who probably can't even afford to go to Ruth's Chriss Steakhouse." "At least she probably doesn't have any problem remembering the number of houses she has," quipped McCain. "None." "She doesn't have a house?" "That's right, Sean, her financial report shows that all she's got is a condo in Greenwich Village." "Greenwich Village? Unbelievable. Unbelievable." "Not only that, Sean, but she..." "Hold on, Senator, I need to backtrack a minute. Believable. Believable. It's totally believable that she would live in Greenwich Village, down there with all the hippies and drug addicts and radicals. Like the Rastas." "I think you mean La Raza, Sean. Most of the Rastas live in..." "I said Rastas, and I meant Rastas, Senator. The Jamaicans with their big marijuana cigarettes and their dreadnoughts." "I think you mean dreadlocks, Sean. A dreadnought is a type of battleship that..." "Yeah yeah yeah, Senator, we all know you were in the Navy. I said dreadnought and I meant dreadnought, those big acoustic guitars that Martin introduced back in the 1930s, the kind the Rastas like to play their reggae music on." "I stand corrected." "Apology accepted." "What I was going to say, Sean, was that Sotomayor doesn't even own the condo in Greenwich Village. She's got a $450,000 dollar mortgage, and she..." "A half a million dollar mortgage? Unbelievable. Unbelievable." "...and she only makes..." "What a deadbeat." "Well, as an Appeals Court judge, she..." "I mean, believable. I believe that she owes a half million bucks. I have a three million dollar mortgage but then I've also got a nightly TV show and a couple best sellers. I guess Senorita Sotomayor is hoping for a government bailout. Tell me something, Senator, would you say that a Supreme Court justice make an enormous amount of money?" "Not at all, Sean. They make about $214,000 a year." "So would you agree with me, then, that a near penniless Supreme Court justice would be particularly open to graft? Might be ready to score a few nice paydays for making the right sort of decision? Would you say that, Senator?" "I don't know that I would want to go down that particular road, Sean. I think that we need to..." "But you would agree, I'm sure, with the assertion that if I wanted to bribe a judge to ensure that I got my preferred outcome in a legal matter, bribing a Supreme Court judge would undoubtedly give me the biggest bang for my buck. That's pretty obvious on the face of it, isn't it Senator?" "Uh..." "Isn't it, Senator? Isn't that the biggest bang for the bucks?" "Yeah, sure Sean. Whatever." "There you have it, folks, Senator John McCain agrees with me that Sonia Sotomayor is only in it for the graft money. Gotta go to break, but when we return, Dick Morris will be here to discuss how Obama is using his office to destroy Republican owned Chrysler dealerships."

Yer Friday Funk

TV On The Radio - 'Golden Age'

Complete Friday Funk

Memories that don't exist

From the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK: 'Souvenir Picture Which Was Not Taken' Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- The car carrying General Secretary Kim Jong Il was running a sightseeing road of Mt. Kuwol on May 1, Juche 86 (1997). It's kinda hard to tell exactly what year and date we're talking about here, isn't it? Maybe this is a glorious story from years ago, a happier time, a story which bears repeating,... The road under construction was yet far short of completion. Not minding this, however, he did not take his eyes off a car window as if he was fathoming the troubles of the soldier builders. He got off the car near the fork of the road in the mid-slope of the mountain and met commanding officers of a unit of the Korean People's Army engaged in the building of the holiday resort of Mt. Kuwol and highly appreciated the painstaking work of the soldier builders. He earnestly told them to spruce up the mountain to provide the people with a better resort of cultural recreation, true to the behest of President Kim Il Sung. Kim II Sung, constitutionally designated as NK's 'Eternal President'. Well, he's dead now, so screw him. But I think we now know this is a fable from the past, since it's been a long time since any North Korean but Jong has been to a holiday resort. He went round a number of construction sites through the sightseeing road built by soldiers and spread before them a far-reaching blueprint to turn the mountain into a splendid resort of cultural recreation for the people. A splendid and far-reaching blueprint. Which Jong drafted by himself. On the drive over from the palace. Out of the ardent desire to provide him a happy time, if but for a moment, officials earnestly asked him to have a picture taken with them against the background of the picturesque scenery of the mountain. He smiled a generous smile of understanding and said that was not a good idea when the resort was in the thick of construction and he would come again after the completion of the project and have a souvenir picture taken. Poor Dear Leader, his people would do anything just to bring a momentary smile to his face. But does he care? No. Maybe he'll come back when they can do a little better job. No wonder this article goes on to call him a sanctimonious little prick. The officials were choked with emotion at his words full of warm love for the toiling soldier builders whom he thought before anyone else. The story about the souvenir picture which was not taken will go down long to the posterity as a legend of the leader's love for the KPA soldiers along with Mt. Kuwol, a famous mountain of the people. What a truly glorious tale! Extra special bonus glory! (via The Lede): North Korea celebrates Nuclear Test. Witness now their wild enthusiasm!

Burris charged

Kindly old egomaniac Roland Burris was formally charged today with three counts of lying to a former disgraced governor, an Illinois state crime that carries a penalty of free dinner and drinks at Moron's Steakhouse in Chicago. "When we first listened to the FBI wiretaps of Burris's conversations with Governor Shitforbrains, this case looked like a cut and dry example of 'pay to play' politics," said Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan. "But then yesterday we watched his strangely hilarious interview with Chris Matthews and it became quite clear that this tightfisted but kindly old hack wasn't about to give Helmethead one red penny. Blagojevich got played and he never got paid. Justice is funny like that. Therefore, in my capacity as Attorney General, I have no choice other than to charge Senator Roland Burris with three counts of deceiving a scumbag." "I'm guilty as sin," said an unremorseful Burris. "The Governor put me in a terrible dilemma. I wanted the Senate job, but I didn't want to go through all the hassle of raising money for it, so I did what anybody in my position would have done - lie my fool head off. I guess he believed me because I'm such a kindly old man. Anyway, I'm ready to pay the price for my transgressions - how about Saturday night around 8:30?"

North Korea unfriended

In a sign of North Korea's increasing isolation from the rest of the world, Chinese President Hu Jintao has taken the unprecedented step of unceremoniously unfriending Kim Jong-il from his Facebook account. The precipitating cause for what Jong called a "berrigerent and hostire action" was believed to be North Korea's pledge of war earlier today against South Korea, where it promised to attack the South if it's ships are 'searched as part a U.S.-led effort to interdict vessels carrying missiles or weapons of mass destruction'. While they were at it, Jong's government also renounced the truce which ended the Korean War. "Those who provoke North Korea once wirr not be aber to escape its unimaginaber and merciress punishment," Jong declared, via the Pyongyang News Service. The statement was accompanied by a picture of a giant robot. "The government of China has had it with this madman and his starving nation," said Jintao in brief remarks to Reuters. "Quite frankly, they're embarrassing us, and they're doing their best to make things more difficult us. If they really want to re-fight the Korean War, they best not think that we're going to help them out. Aside from being one of our best trading partners, South Korea has been helping us build a modern China. The South is where all the technology and innovation is because, quite frankly, anyone with half a brain managed to find a way out of the North long ago." "Don't get me wrong, North Korea does serve a strategic purpose for China. They act as a buffer against the rabid democratization of the South, which is a much bigger influence on China than the Western world. But in return for that little bit of comfort space, what do we get? 'Send us food, send us shoes, send us fuel, send us fertilizer'. On and on, it's just relentless." "You know what? That little firecracker Jong set off last week was just fifty miles from our border. We were evacuating schools in the northeast because we thought we might be having an earthquake. Talk about your inconsiderate neighbors. And I'll tell you something else. If those incompetent idiots ever do manage to hook together a missile and a bomb, it's just as likely to land in our backyard as it is to hit the intended target, although my first guess would be that they somehow manage to obliterate Pyongyang. Who needs it? Like Lorena Bobbitt once said, I think it's about time to cut that little prick off." Kim Jong-il wasted no time in replying to Jintao's statements. "With the despicaber action of airing our dirty raundry in pubric, China has proved they are no ronger a friend to the Peopers Repubric of Korea, so if we do choose to raunch a misser attack against Bejing, it wirr be accidentally on purpose. And the creary Photoshoped photo Hu Jintao posted of me on his Facebook page is disgracefur. That pink suit makes me rook ridicurous."

Unhappy Housemates

"As FOX News expected, President Obama today selected a radical left-wing activist as his first nominee to the Supreme Court, delighting the radical wing of the Democratic party, a faction which in recent days has expressed doubts about Obama's true level of commitment to extremism. The choice of Sonia Sotomayor, who is not only a federal appeals judge from the Bronx but also a registered woman, continues the President's pattern of gratuitously indulging the female demographic by putting various of their representatives in positions of leadership. As if that were not enough pandering for one day, there are early reports that Sotomayor, in spite of her first name, may actually be Hispanic, which if confirmed, can only be seen as the most cynical type of appeasement..." "Don't forget baseball fans," grumbled Minority Leader Boehner, turning off the TV. "There are probably a lot of citizens out there who will support this radical, female, Hispanic New Yorker simply because she single-handedly saved baseball. Quite frankly, I'm not sure how she did that, but that's what they're saying." "I think I can explain," said Boehner sidekick Eric Cantor. "See, the baseball union was having this strike back in 1995. It was a money thing, I suppose..." "Isn't it always?" "Right you are, John, but money makes the world go round. Anyway, the owners were trying to save some dough by not negotiating and refusing to bid on free agents and, uh... I guess I'm not sure how she saved baseball either..." "Well, I'll bet it had something to do with judicial activism." "Yes it did, John, yes it did, I remember that part. It had to do with judicial activism. And you want to know something else? I hate baseball." "I'm with you on that, Cantor. I'm not all that crazy about baseball myself. Do you happen to remember which side Sotomayor was on, the owners or the union? As if I really need to ask..." "No, you needn't... This is kind of depressing, isn't it? Such a trifecta of pandering... Still, if we can play up Ricci v. DeStefano, I think I can hold our coalition together an keep her from getting a single Republican vote in the House." "Sill a little wet behind the ears, aren't you Cantor?" "What do you mean?" "I mean that according to the Constitution, the House doesn't get a vote on Supreme Court nominees." "Oh, jeez, that's nonsense. Bush should have put someone on the court that would've overturned that. Where's judicial activism when you need it?"

North Korea Now a Nucrear Power

Jong surveys Kiliju, formerly North Korea's largest manufacturing hub [FGAQ] North Korea announced today that it had successfully detonated a nuclear device, making itself mightier and more fearsome than ever before. The belligerent but starving nation described the test as a 'nuclear deterrent', because God knows, everybody wants to get their hands on the Land of the Goguryeo Tombs. North Korea had previously claimed a successful underground test in 2005, although most intelligence services described this attempt as a dismal failure, causing the isolated nation to become even more bellicose, but alas, no less hungry. In an effort to get the world to take their hungry nation more seriously this time around, North Korea tested the device above ground, partially devastating the city of Kiliju, located on their Northern Pacific coast. "We brew it arr to herr," said deranged potentate Kim Jong-il, proudly surveying the remains of the Kiliju Bicycle Company, formerly North Korea's largest manufacturer and the only source of national transportation. "Boom boom, out go the rights. The worrd wirr raugh at us no more now that they have witnessed the awesome might of the Peopers Repubric of Korea." In a series of rambling remarks, Jong hinted that the test was just a taste of things to come, saying North Korea had bigger deterrents that were as yet untested, hinting at one point about their development of a "corossar nucrear raser beam". He also noted that this was a good time buy gold coins, and said that he was now open to trading some of the nations natural resources such as tungsten, magnesite and fluorspar for food. At one point, Jong read a prepared statement aimed at US officials who "might have something smart to say about our ritter test", warning them "Do not attempt to beritter our historic accomprishment by carring it just another reckress cry for the worrd's attention, or you may find the focus swiftry praced on you. Two words - giant robot." "Well, let them create all the giant fucking robots that they want, as long as they build them with good old American steel," said President Obama [in what FGAQ must acknowledge are uncorroborated comments]. "North Korea is of grave concern to us, insomuch as I'd like to see that crackpot motherfucker Jong in his grave, and that's something I guess we'll turn that over to the UN Security Council in hopes of a new nonbinding resolution. But right now I guess I'd call North Korea's accomprishment just another reckress cry for the worrd's attention."

Memorial Day

WTFX2

The President and the Confederacy As an Aristocrat, I love me some free speech, and so I applaud the WaPo for running the above incredibly stupid op-ed by Kirk Savage (real name: Kirk Savage) on the question, which I know you all are feverishly debating out there, of whether President Obama should or should not send a wreath of flowers to 'Arlington's Confederate Memorial'. Will the first African American to occupy our highest office honor the soldiers of a short-lived, breakaway nation formed for the express purpose of preserving the institution of black slavery on this continent? Hell yeah, because it wouldn't be the very stupidest thing that any US president has ever done. Some argue that we cannot honor the soldiers of every cause, that we have to draw a line somewhere. Many agree that Ronald Reagan stepped over that line when he visited Bitburg in 1985 and laid a wreath at a German military cemetery near the graves of Nazi SS soldiers. So the man who honorably served as the nation's first zombie ever to be elected president* gave us yet another gift - the line which cannot be stepped across. Cool. We'll stay on our side. But why draw that line any tighter? After all, as Rush reminded us last summer, Obama doesn't have any slave blood, so what the fuck should it matter to him? Come on, Barrack... President Obama, why not send two wreaths? One to the Confederate Memorial in Arlington Cemetery and another to the African American Civil War Memorial in the District, which commemorates the 200,000 black soldiers who fought for liberation from slavery in the Union armed forces. And maybe a third wreath for Timothy McVeigh, because history is long. We'll all be dead. *also inspiring The Ramones to write their only political song.

Swat offers to take detainees

Maulana Fazlullah

"The democratic government of Swat, acting in the spirit of international friendship and cooperation, would like to extend a hand to the new American president," radio personality Shah Dauran said last night in a surprise announcement on Swat's most popular station, Fazlullah FM. "Perhaps, in hope of a new era of understanding and tolerance, we can be of some minor assistance to the United States of America. Maulana Fazlullah knows quite well the difficulties of cleaning house, and thus is volunteering to accept many of the troublesome detainees currently residing at Guantanamo Bay. All he seeks in return is a kind word and a friendly smile. And perhaps a fist bump." "In the words of the great Zionist Emma Lazarus, engraved on your own Statue of Liberty, we say 'Give us your tired, your poor, your worst of the worst, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore'. The new government of Swat is most interested in your wretched refuse, particularly those with training in ballistics, although we will be happy to accept the non-specialized wretched as well, as long as they show a willingness to work hard and learn." Although no statement was immediately forthcoming from the White House, some State Department officials reacted with a certain amount of apprehension. "If an offer sounds too good to be true, it usually is too good to be true," said a close aide to Secretary Clinton. "I'm pretty darn sure that there is no democratically elected government of Swat, and as a matter of fact, I believe that Swat is still officially part of our ally Pakistan. I haven't seen the papers today, but I think that was the case the last time I looked. Furthermore, although I'm not that good with names, I could swear that Maulana Fazlullah is the Taliban leader in that region, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this offer wasn't just a ploy to obtain the worst of the worst for the purpose of killing American troops." "Kill American troops?" cried Shah Dauran, shaking his head in disbelief. "How cruelly judgmental, how blatantly unfair. Maybe that's something that a few bad Taliban used to do, but here in Swat all we care about is subjugating the people of Pakistan to iron fist of Shari'a law. And maybe getting our hands on a few nukes, Allah willing. So if you insist on insulting us, just forget that we ever made the offer, okay?"

Yer Friday Funk

It doesn't get any funkier than this.
Parliament - Mothership Connection

Complete Friday Funk

Bringing it all back to the American Enterprise Institute

Good morning - or perhaps I should say good afternoon, because in the words of that great country song by Alan Jackson, it's always five o' clock somewhere before Barack Obama finally winds up his phony moralizing and rests those suspiciously thin lips of his. I feel that I should apologize for asking the members of the American Enterprise Institute to wait for the... President - I have trouble verbalizing that - to finish his little diatribe before hearing the hard truth from me. Little did I realize that Barack Obama would drone on for a full two hours and forty-seven minutes before finishing with a promise to speak more in depth at a later date. I've had surgeries that took less time than that, and I realize that many of you who did not go to sleep just packed it up and went home. As did I. That's why I'm speaking to anyone who may remain in the auditorium via this video. I had enough time to return to the Cheney estate, record my speech, add a few special effects - aren't those lasers great? - and have my daughter Liz do a little sound editing. Yes, she's an expert in that, too. She took out all the heavy breathing so I wouldn't sound as scary. And we still had time left, so she edited the heavy breathing back in because without it, I didn't sound scary enough. And make no mistake, fear is important. It's important to the American people, and without that fear, they're liable to do all manner of crazy things, such as contemplating the possibility of holding Dick Cheney - and others - responsible for the loss of things that I need not even enumerate, for how does one define a void? I suppose you could say that a void is an open space or a break in continuity. We have all experienced that particular lack of continuity since that cold and tragic day in January, four month ago on this very day. Tick tock tick tock, where has America gone? Or more accurately, where has America gone wrong? I think, in your heart of hearts, you know the answer. Or a void may be defined as a state of emptiness, loneliness, or loss, such as I felt in the aftermath of 9/11, a feeling that I regret to say is no longer remembered by those whom some might call the heartless bastards of the current administration that no longer sees the need to protect the citizens of this land from an enemy that is ever ready to wage jihad against the naive leaders of a once great nation that mere months after believing it had found it's way to the mountaintop, now finds itself humbled upon the cold gray alter of socialism. Excuse me, that sentence took my breath away. I'll tell you a frightening secret, one that Obama has not yet foolishly divulged - if there is one thing that the terrorists hate even more than a free and democratic America, it's a socialist America. One can hardly blame them. But back to the void, or as I like to think of it, something that contains no matter, such as Barack Obama's two hours and forty-seven minutes of phony moralizing, ten thousand and twenty ticks of the clock that members of the American Enterprise Institute will never have back due to my purposeful insistence that you wait for me through his entire speech. I'll admit, some of you may have felt the experience to have been torture, but I prefer to call it enhanced education. Play it backwards in your head and the message will be mine, for the truth is the opposite of the words that come from his gilded throat. There are other meanings of void that I could riff on, such as the legal definition of having no legal force or validity; or perhaps the medical term of excreting bodily waste. We could certainly have a field day with that one, but those of you who know me well understand that Dick Cheney is no simple vulgarian. Indeed, while I am quite complex, the truth is simple, and I leave you with these five simple truths. You are doomed. Everything you know is wrong. Not my fault. God bless America. It's five o'clock somewhere.

Forget it. We still rule. The torture meme is over.

[archives, June 07]

Democrats make the case for GITMO

Reid demonstrates the proper Democratic response to a released terrorist. After long and deliberate consideration, Senate Democrats have come to the determination that Guantanamo Bay really isn't all that bad, as far as prisons go. And also too, President Obama has been more than a little slack in laying out details of a plan that they can sell to their constituents. "Democrats under no circumstances will move forward without a comprehensive, responsible plan from the president," said vulnerable Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "And by responsible, I mean a plan that doesn't involve Nevada or any of the other 49 states or US territories or the District of Columbia. The nice thing about GITMO is that we don't really own it, we're just there on a perpetual lease that we picked up for chump change back in 1903. And, heh heh, since the government of Cuba doesn't recognize the lease, we even get to keep the chump change." "And that's change I can believe in," chimed in Minority Leader McConnell. "Say, have you seen Senator Webb's silly amendment to spruce up the GITMO public relations image? He wants to change the name to No Man's Land." "Silly but romantic, Mitch, so I hope that you'll agree to toss a colleague a bipartisan bone." "Much appreciated, Harry," said Webb. "It's a little turn of phrase I used in my screenplay for 'Rules of Engagement'. Samuel Jackson is trying to evacuate the US embassy in Yemen where an unruly mob has gone all jihad and stormed the gates, and when Jackson realizes he's going to have to open fire on them he shouts "Holy cow, this is motherfucking No Man's Land!" It's kind of the tag line for the movie, and the DVD is coming out on Blue Ray next week, if you catch my drift." "Introduce me to Tommy Lee Jones and I'll guarantee that your amendment flies through, Jim. But back to what I was saying to Mitch, which is that we will never allow terrorists to be released into the United States." "And therein lies the rub," nodded McConnell. "Like you were saying, you can't put these people in prison unless you release them first. And that is the X factor, the unknown quantity of time between being a detainee and being a common prisoner. Anything can happen during X, and I think we've all seen enough movies to know that anything does." "Lets face it, detainee prisoner or common prisoner, nobody likes to be in prison, nobody at all," added junior New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, eager to be part of any conversation at all. "Okay, I'm sure that there are exceptions to the rule, there always are, but I think it's probably fair to say that the type of individual that likes to be in prison is probably the type of person that belongs in prison. Of course, that does pose a dilemma, doesn't it? Cause you're rewarding that particular wrongdoer with the very thing they want, but I guess, since we're only talking about a theoretical wrongdoer we should just leave that particular worry to the eggheads." "Yeah, the type of eggheads that sit around thinking about symbolism," chuckled Reid. "You know, you get caught up in these things, but when I look back at it, the main reason we ever brought up the idea of closing GITMO in the first place was because of the negative symbolism, and I've got to ask myself - what are we anyway, a bunch of college Lit majors?" "High school English is more like it." clarified McConnell. "I remember back when I was a sophomore at duPont Manual, we had to read 'Lord of the Flies' and write about the symbolism. It's just a bunch of boys on an island! Christ, I got a D and haven't read another piece of fiction since then, unless you want to count 'The Audacity of Hope'. "Low blow, but I know what you mean," countered Gillibrand. "No offense to Senator Webb, but why would you want to read a book anyway when they can tell the same story so much better in a two hours movie? All that describing of things... you spend five pages explaining what some character looks like when all you really need to do is just look at the screen. Duh. Give me a break." "But back to my point," continued Reid, "I can't believe that anyone would really wantto have a terrorist roaming around in their back yard, even if it's only in the back yard of their mind. And who can blame them, what with all the terrible prison breaks we've had lately? I heard that Charlie Manson just escaped for the third time this year. If we can't hold on to an old acidhead like that, what chance would we have of containing hardened terrorists?" "Particularly when all the sleeper cells are just waiting to storm the prison gates and create havoc," Webb added sagely.

Steele rouses RNC

Chairman Michael Steele only mildly stunned the Republican National Committee this afternoon when he showed up at a rare special meeting to declare “We are going to take the president head-on. The honeymoon is over. The two-party system is making a comeback, and that comeback starts today.” "I think not," said one RNC member who asked not to be identified because "I don't want my friends and neighbors to find out that I'm a member of the RNC." "And starting today? I think Steele better take another look at our agenda, because at 7:30 it's open bar until midnight, and then we've got Liza Minnelli performing in the Jungle Room, followed by David Copperfield. Great magician. He's supposed to make our troubles all disappear. Then tomorrow at 10:30 it's the Bloody Mary Prayer Breakfast, followed by the big vote on renaming the Democrats as the Socialist Party. The RNC Invitational Golf Tournament starts Thursday, and you know, it's all downhill after Monday till the big holiday weekend." “The president is personally popular. Pity the fool who paid for a poll to figure that out,” Steele continued, pausing when he noticed the blank faces staring at him. “You know, pity the fool... Like Mr. T used to say... Mr. T, the black dude with the chains on the 'A Team'... He had a mohawk... So…what’s the loyal opposition to do with this popular president? We are going to speak truth to power. We are going to speak directly, and we are going to take him on, like Mr T would.... Whatever..." "Anyway, we are going to take this president on with dignity," Steel said forcefully, pausing briefly to hitch up his pants. "This will be a sharp and marked contrast to the shabby and classless way that the Democrats and the far left..." "You mean Socialists!" shouted one RNC member, looking up momentarily from his pecan pie. "If you'd turn down that bling blang hip hop music once in a while, maybe you could hear what the rest of us out here are trying to say."

Rumsfeld reportedly bored, "ready for a little investigation about now"

[from the Marchives]

Poetry Man

Via Politico we come across something else truly mindboggling about Mike Huckabee, and no, it's not that sandwich, the sandwich is just a cheap prop, albeit a rather accurate depiction of the type he probably used to chow down on back in the day, before he discovered that he was about as likely a candidate to lead the Republican Party as any of the other yahoos and decided to take off at least half a Huck just to make things fair. This latest mindboggling thing is not even the fact that he writes poetry, which he doesn't by all available evidence. It is that he thinks that he writes poetry, amusing poetry, poetry that he thinks is good enough to share with the world, or at least the portion of the world willing to go to mikehuckabee.com. This is a little piece he likes to call 'Fancy Nancy'. Here's a story about a lady named Nancy A ruthless politician, but dressed very fancy Very ambitious, she got herself elected Speaker But as for keeping secrets, she proved quite a "leaker." She flies on government planes coast to coast And doesn't mind that our economy is toast She makes the Air Force squire her in their military jets There's room for her family, her staff, and even her pets. Mike, Mike, Mike, just read that to yourself... I assume that since you are dealing in rhyming couplets that you're not making a stab at free verse here, and that's why I'm asking you to read it. Maybe if you read it out loud that would help even more. For the style you're attempting, there are poetic devices - let's call them tricks of the trade - known as rhythm and meter. Without getting all technical on you, let's just call it flow, ya know? Keeping your basic "idea" intact, let's try it like this: Here's a little story bout a girl named Nancy Ruthless politician, but she dresses kinda fancy Very ambitious, got herself elected Speaker But as for keeping secrets, she's a doggone "leaker." See? Just sound it out in your head a little and that should help you out. Now you go ahead and try another verse. She sat in briefings and knew about enhanced interrogation; But claims she wasn't there, and can't give an explanation. She disparages the CIA and says they are a bunch of liars; Even the press aren't buying it and they're stoking their fires. In many ways that was even worse, Mike, but I want to be encouraging, so let me start out by saying that the second line actually has what we were just calling flow, and uh, also in your favor, your couplets are successfully rhyming, although the pairing of interrogation/explanation sounds a bit forced. But we'll work on that later. Let's go with your strength, which was the second line. Ideally what you want to do, since what you're writing is called a quatrain, is get lines one, three and four to have the same sort of rhythm. You're a bass player, I'm sure you know what I mean. Pretend you're rapping. That might help. Sat around in briefings bout enhanced interrogation; But claims she wasn't there, and can't give an explanation. Dissed the CIA and says they're a bunch of liars; Press ain't buying it, they're stoking at their fires. Sometimes you're going to have a word that you really like, such as 'disparages', which simply will not work for you and you just have to let it go. I substituted 'dissed' but you might be happier with 'mocked'. Just remember the flow - 'vilified' wouldn't work in this example. Now come on, give it one more try. If forced to believe whether the CIA and her colleagues in Congress are lying; Or it's Speaker Pelosi whose credibility and career is dying. I believe in the integrity of the men and women who sacrifice to keep us safe; Not the woman who has been caught flat-footed, lying to our face. Forget about it, Mike. You're too valuable to the GOP to be messing around with this poetry stuff anyway.

Secret location revealed - again

FOX News is running with a super-hot story today about how Joe Biden has revealed the super-secret location of The Bunker, you know, the one where Cheney would go whenever he was in an 'undisclosed location'. "How could he give away such important information, Byron?" America's Newsroom anchor asks FOX Chief political analyst Byron York. Byron is not amused with Joe, and goes on to compare the revelation with the Valerie Plame scandal. Furthermore, postulates the anchor, since Biden revealed the super-secret location, "another one will have to be built, presumably, right?" You betcha, since the cover for this one was blown, replies Byron. First, since when did FOX News believe that the outing of Valerie Plame was an important intelligence scandal? Second, why is FOX advocating the building of a new bunker, when it's obvious that Vice President Blabbermouth should be punished by having to use the 'disclosed location'? And third, how about a little respect, FOX? I disclosed that the secret bunker was at the Vice President's pad at the Naval Observatory way back in December 2002, before I could even spell the word blog. (Archive copy here). I swear, Alan Keyes isn't the only one who can't get arrested in this town. (BTW, does anybody know if I'm past the statute of limitations for revealing State Secrets?)

Live report: FOX bemoans lost weekend

After weeks of buildup and hours of special 'Live at Notre Dame' coverage, FOX News was cruelly disappointed today as thousands of protestors refused to show up and express their abhorrence that the most pro-abortion president ever was befouling the schools graduation ceremony by receiving an honorary degree and delivering a commencement speech. Chris Wallace was trotted out to anchor the ceremony of hoped-for protests and violence, an event which turned out to be even less successful than the FOX sponsored teabag parties. "Students were encouraged to paint their funny square hats with crosses and tiny footprints," noted Wallace, while FOX cameras panned the throng for a head-top view. "Don't see very many of them." There were about three painted funny-hats, and for the rest of the event, they received plentiful airtime. Due to the total lack of violent confrontation, or even much in the way of audible hostile shouts, Wallace was forced to spend long periods chatting with a couple of outraged Catholic priests who, due to a conspiracy, were unable to get into the standing room only ceremony. There was live feed of a campus protest at which a few folks were arrested for trespassing, but the uprising was so sparsely attended that Wallace never returned to it. At times he appeared to doze, snapping to only when fresh opportunities for outrage presented themselves. There was a standing ovation when Obama entered the hall, with any boos drowned out by cheers, and when he received his honorary degree, he was not met with an onslaught of eggs and catcalls. Things took a promising turn about five minutes into Obama's thirty minute speech when a protestor could be heard loud and clear. The cameras panned wildly, until finally finding what appeared to be an elderly man waving frantically for a hot dog vendor, his embarrassed relatives trying to call him down before security escorted him from the hall. That was about it for FOX style excitement, as the rest of the speech - even the part about abortion - was received enthusiastically. "Nuts," muttered Wallace, before bringing on Michael Steele for moral support. "My whole damn weekend is shot to hell."

Nation faces Illegal shortage

New data from the Mexican Census bureau confirms the fear that the US is losing it's valuable illegal immigrants at an alarming rate, which if not quickly stemmed, could usher in an era of negative illegal growth as early as 2010. "The figures that were released are quite deceptive," says US Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. "What they don't show is the steady drain of illegal immigrants who are leaving the country every day. Getting the hell out of Dodge, as it were. Although we don't have official figures, we estimate the number of lost illegals at around 100,000 for 2008. I mean, we still have plenty, but just do the math and you can see the crisis has already begun." "What's that got to do with the price of beans?" asks Arizona bean farmer Ned Brown. "I'll tell you what that has to do with the price of beans - it means they're going through the roof. Take a look at my fields right now, and it's Americans as far as you can see, with only a sprinkling of Mexicans. And the few I got all have their green cards, so you know what that means. Minimum wage. Hell, they won't work for less than that. And when I balked at paying them overtime, they threaten to call The Man on me. Damnation, I remember when I was The Man..." "Me and my big mouth," says chastened CNN commentator. "All I can say is, damn my effectiveness. Like most Americans, I love beans, and the good news is that I'm still wealthy enough to eat them regularly, heh heh, little bean joke there, but the point is, for a lot of people... no, see, I said 'I eat them regularly'. And the joke, of course, is that beans keep you regular. Your bowels, that is. A little subtle, I realize. But anyway... What? They don't keep you regular? Well, that explains a lot."

On Torture, Pelosi, and What Happened

The Nancy Pelosi torture controversy is a slight one in terms of it's relative gravity, but what it does represent is an opportunity, perhaps one with bipartisan potential, to begin a serious investigation into who knew what when, an investigation that by it's very nature will lead to a good look at how the government, and by extension the citizenry, was manipulated, by whom, which in turn will lead to an examination of why the nation was manipulated, exactly what the end game was, and oh yes, to what extent is that game still being played.

See, the manipulation is the thing. The true-blues are always quick to remind us how we felt on September 11, 2001 and the months of fear and paranoia that followed, but I think a more important reference date might be September 11, 2002. By then it was possible to sense a certain stagecraft in the frequent warnings and terror alerts. Osama morphed into Saddam, and targeted aircraft were replaced by atomic bombs. It seemed unlikely that a nation as reduced in power and in influence as Iraq could be such a threat, not to mention Iran (who's only enemy of note was Iraq) or the belligerent but ineffectual government of Kim Jong-il. And of course there were the terrorist sleeper cells that the FBI and CIA could never quite finger, the lunch boxes abandoned near subways, the unguarded water supplies and food stocks and nuclear plants, the countless horrors that flooded the airwaves.

And yet, were these fears any more unlikely than the very idea that an American president and his administration would falsely perpetrate these fever dreams? See, the manipulation is the thing. And by September 11, 2003, six months into the Iraqi war with WMDs being reduced to a punch line, there was no longer a reason for anyone in a 'position to know' that the climate of fear was not at least in part an exploitation of the American society at large. But to what ends? A million theories have bloomed...

When I use the phrase 'anyone in a position to know', I refer to those who were not paralyzed by dread and apprehension, and needless to say, the fearful constituted a majority of Americans at the time. I refer to those who still had the ability to analyze and understand certain shreds of reality in a sea of misinformation. I refer in particular to those who had access to a higher level of data, which, at least in theory, includes every member of congress. By September 11, 2003, Nancy Pelosi had long had the knowledge of American torture, but what she no longer had by this date was any justification for it's use. This would have been a fine time for her and certain powerful others to speak out, even if it meant they would be derided as fools and traitors, even if it meant sacrificing their political future.

Perhaps we can skip 9/11/04 by pretending there was a game plan to end the Bush nightmare which could only succeed through his replacement, although it is hard to imagine that anyone would have been allowed to defeat the regime in a clampdown still so strongly controlled. But it is quite clear that after November 2, 2004, silence no longer served by much purpose beyond self-preservation. Is there any doubt that without the inept handling of Iraq and the then forgotten Afghanistan conflict, there would have been actions in Iran, Syria, and ever onward, stronger surveillance, fresh new horrors, and Rove's vision of the hundred year Reich? There should have been endless calls for investigations, endless bean-spilling, and even if it was futile, endless calls for impeachment. Instead, with only a few exceptions, there was endless silence.

The Grand Plan (whatever it was, assuming that it even had a form that the administration truly understood) never came to full fruition, eventually unraveling through incompetence, bad luck, and perhaps even a little providence. And yet, even now, there is great reluctance on the part of our elected representatives to ask the most basic of questions -What Happened? Why were we manipulated? To what ends?

That's why I say to the GOP, as usual too clever by half, go ahead and investigate Nancy Pelosi. You are absolutely right in your assertion that if she believed a crime was being committed and didn't speak out, she may well be culpable, but she surely had a reason for not speaking, even though it may have been a petty one. Let's find what that reason was. And then be prepared to take the stand yourselves if you have sufficient tenure, and pass the word on to the Bush crew, the CIA, the FBI, whoever, and let's take this wherever it might lead. Because there's no doubt that torture is a worthy topic of investigation, but it's only one part of something much bigger, and we're like the blind men feeling the elephant, something we haven't yet figured out what to call, much less how to define.

...breaking...

Two employees of Yellowstone National Park have been fired after they were caught on webcam pissing into the famous Old Faithful geyser. A third man, also caught on camera, was not reprimanded, with authorities saying they figured he had already been punished enough.

Yer Friday Funk

Talking Heads (with Bernie Worrell and others) - 'Crosseyed and Painless'

Complete Friday Funk

Johnny Cash for 'Trump S&M World'

Everything must go

Strapped for cash but plush with dreams, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is floating the idea of selling a number of state-owned properties, including the Los Angeles Coliseum, the Cow Palace, the Orange County Fairgrounds, and the Cal Expo. The potential offering creating the greatest excitement is the legendary San Quentin Prison, located on 438 acres of prime waterfront real estate on the north side of the San Francisco Bay. "What an unbelievable offering this is," Schwarzenegger says enthusiastically. "This is a place of legend, the stuff of dreams. Just think of the great movie stars associated with this fine property - Pat O'Brien and Ann Sheridan in 'San Quentin', Humphrey Bogart in 'Dark Passage', Woody Allen in 'Take the Money and Run', Angelina Jolie in 'Changeling'. I think. I'm not positive about the last one because I've been busy as of late being governor. And 'Dragnet'. People were always being sent to San Quentin at the end of 'Dragnet'. And of course, both Johnny Cash and B.B. King made great records in that prison." "The place is history incarnate. Just think of the fabulous crime stars who have lived there. Charles Manson, Sirhan Sirhan, Eldridge Cleaver, Juan Corona, Merle Haggard, Tookie Williams, I could go on and on. Right now we've got Randy Kraft, 'the Night Stalker' Richard Ramirez, and Scott Peterson all 'in the house', pardon the pun. I guess my point is that from an investor's point of view, this is a place where people really want to live." Donald Trump has already surfaced as a possible investor, noting the potential value inherent in converting San Quentin into a 'gated lifestyle resort community'. "You've got this wonderful piece of property in California, which is such a wonderful, wonderful locale," says Trump. "And right on the edge of San Francisco, which is just very, very diverse, and I can see a lot of upside with the right sort of marketing. I'm thinking San Quentin could be a new Vegas of sorts, something different with a lot of international appeal." One possible roadblock to development plans may be the fact that the facility currently has over 5,200 full-time residents who would face the possibility of being turned out on the streets in the event of a sale. Schwarzenegger sees this as only a minor hurdle. "Yes, it's true that a few people might be displaced, but to make an omelet you've got to crack a few eggs, and these are bad eggs to begin with, so we bring back the electric chair and fry the worst of them. Then we move the hard-boiled to another container, take the Mexicans down to the border and tell them to scramble, and as for the rest, I hate to be accused of coddling them, but oh well, a thousand pardons."

Woofus

Good boy, 1998-2009.

party

Concerned that RNC chairman Michael Steel is insufficiently wacky to ensure their party's swift demise, the Republican National Committee will hold a special meeting next week, where, among other things, they will give themselves a special commendation for opposing bailouts and reckless spending. The main order of business, however, will be the passage of a resolution renaming the Democratic Party to the Democrat Socialist Party. From Politico: "When I asked if such a resolution would force RNC Chairman Michael Steele to use that label when talking about Democrats in all his speeches and press releases, the RNC member replied: “Who cares?” In related news, the Democratic National Committee will hold their own special meeting in early June with the purpose of renaming the Republican Party to the Assholes.

Good luck, Alan

Perennial presidential candidate Alan Keyes has added a new notch to his Belt of Failure by being unable to stay in jail long enough for FOX News to cover his plight. His latest attempt to snag the nation's attention has been to lead a series of sparsely attended protests against Barack Obama's planned commencement speech at Notre Dame on May 17th. This past weekend Keyes achieved a rare victory when he was successfully arrested for trespassing, but the celebration was cut brutally short when an unknown individual bailed him out against his will. WorldNetDaily has the details of the latest indignities inflicted upon the long-suffering semi-politician. "It was weird, because I said, 'I don't want to leave; I didn't post any bond,'" Keyes explained. "But the police wouldn't let me stay. I asked them, 'Has anyone ever been re-arrested for resisting expulsion?' They laughed, for they had never heard anything like that. It didn't seem like the appropriate time to be engaging in civil disobedience." Keyes plans on attempting to get himself arrested at least once more before the President's speech this Sunday, and even though his logistics skills are not the sharpest, he hopes to remain incarcerated long enough to at least score a little air time.

Oh Captain

Hitting the road until Monday. Until then, here's something from my massive marchives.

Captain America: An Appreciation Frank J Rutherford March 9, 2007 | Captain America is dead - Long live Captain America! No, on first blush that doesn't make much sense, does it? Those swaggering words, when applied to the King, of course, refer to both the former King and the newly crowned one, but if Captain America is dead, who would replace him... unless, unless... it were to be you and I. Could you and I be Captain America? Joe Simon and Stan Lee, the men who created him - if created be the proper word - were not the same as the coward who took the Captain's life with a sniper's bullet this past Wednesday. That assassin, a hack by the name of Ed Brubaker, shall live in infamy, at least if I have anything to say about it. But today, we praise the hero who bore his nation's name. Captain America lived in bolder times than our own, coming to the fore in 1941 when the Greatest Generation was stepping forward to fight the war to end all wars. He killed many many Germans, but always there was another to take their goose-stepping place. Why, on more than one occasion he even took on der Führer himself, although, alas, the German madman always eluded the Captain's final deadly blow. In the spring of 1943, Captain America was sent to the Pacific theater, where the nation could benefit from his greatest talent - killing Japs, a chore which this man of men took on with great enthusiasm, wiping out whole squads of the yellow scum at a single outing. Fighting always by his side was the irrepressible Bucky, who was released from reform school at the age of fifteen by agreeing to join the armed forces. Bucky was a natural partner for Captain America, and although he had no special powers, he was widely feared for his prowess with a baseball bat. Having given his all and then some, Captain America was very disturbed by the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, believing that war should be fought with fists and bats, and perhaps, for lesser souls, with bullets and bayonets. After leaving the Army, he vowed to never kill another Jap, a promise he kept until his dying day. For years he drifted, unsure of his place in a changing world. While never losing his patriotism, he though that the Koreans looked too much like Japs for him to enter that good fight. For a time he expressed interest in confronting the Red Menace, but became discouraged by his realization that Communists could not be visually identified. Like a number of other wartime heroes, Captain America decided to give Hollywood a shot, a smart move for an action icon who didn't need a stunt double. He ran into trouble, however, on the very first day of his first shoot, when upon arriving on the set of 'Heist on 57th Street', he mistook the rehearsal for a crime in progress, and wantonly attacked the cast and crew. He would never see action on a film set again. The mid-sixties found Captain America with high hopes for a comeback. He briefly joined B-list super team The Avengers, along with Thor, Iron Man, Red Pants Guy, and Little Woman. The rest of the team proved to be far more interested in fame than in bad guys, and they soon replaced the Captain with the much higher profile Spiderman. Dejected and alone, Captain America would reunite with his old partner Bucky, who was no longer cute, and had spent the last two decades in and out of mental hospitals. The above picture was featured on the cover of Time Magazine in June of 1971, and quickly led to a national uproar. In this new age of Miranda Rights, Captain America's behavior was seen as simply beyond the pale. Bucky was convicted of manslaughter and died at San Quentin a few years later. What was there left for this great man to do except adapt to the role of lone and lonely crime fighter? Sadly, hard living and hard drinking had taken their toll, and in the end he found it impossible to trust the wisdom of his own primal instincts. And that negligent day was the last in which he appeared in the eye of the nation, until his sad final hour this very week. I like to imagine that neither the sniper's bullet nor the falling safe made the cut as the Captain's final scene. There are rumors - none verified, mind you - that the Captain healed enough to aid his country one last time. There have been reports from time to time that Captain America reported to duty in the eighties for Ronald Reagan, the greatest president of modern times. They say he taught the Contras the true meaning of the sword, and helped bring about the country that we now know as Nicaragua. Naysayers claimed that this is not true, and that he spent his last semi-lucid years wandering the hills of Kentucky and kicking beaucoup hillbilly ass, but these reports have been largely discredited. Captain America is dead - Long live Captain America! Frank J Rutherford

Yer Friday Funk

Miles Davis - Untitled

In 1968, master musician Miles Davis married NYC model Betty Mabry, as funky a woman who has ever walked the planet. Betty introduced Miles to both Jimi Hendrix and Sly Stone, and along with her own influence, the funk never washed off.

Their marriage only lasted a short while, but in the aftermath Miles released 'Bitches Brew' and then went on to both mutate jazz and to create it's final no-exit dead end. (For now). Miles is legend, and deservedly so, but Betty was anathema, the nasty gal who was too extreme to even rate a media mention. And yet, there she is.

Betty Davis - 'Nasty Gal'

Ransom clock is ticking down

Only hours remain to meet the demands of hackers who broke into the Virginia Department of Health database and downloaded millions of prescription records that the state keeps on narcotics and painkillers. The hackers replaced the site's home page with a ransom note demanding ten million dollars for a password to restore access to the database. "It's an odd and puzzling crime," said Dale Bennett of the FBI. "Particularly odd was their choice of password - 'OxyCotton'. It only took us about an hour to crack that one. If they'd been able to spell OxyContin correctly, we would have cracked it in under five minutes." "Right now, our biggest challenge is figuring out what they plan on doing if we don't pay the ransom," explains Bennett. "They've got it all set up with a PayPal account, and those things are so secure that we don't have a prayer of identifying the owner. But ten million dollars, that's a lot to pay for a bunch of prescription data. I guess it's conceivable that they might try going through the data and trying to find somebody to blackmail, but I don't know, it seems that Rush Limbaugh has made it perfectly acceptable for an American citizen to take all the prescription drugs they want." "There's a very good chance that we'll just let the deadline pass without taking action," says Sandra Whitley Ryals, the director of Virginia's Department of Health. "My kid's got a softball game this evening, and quite frankly, I'm not sure why the heck we started tracking this type of information to begin with."

she's got a good personality

Specter stripped

The Senate Democrats yesterday gave Arlen Specter a mighty whacking, refusing to make him the Chair of either the Judiciary or Appropriations Committee. This cruel denial of the top posts would seem to absolutely ruin his 2010 re-election plan to run as "the most powerful man in the Senate". "When Arlen announced that he was switching parties, he told everyone that he would be keeping his seniority," said Majority Leader Harry Reid. "I'm quite sure that would have been very nice for him, but he needs to get real. I mean, he can't be unaware of the fact that we measure Republican seniority in dog years, so his thirty years equals four and a fraction. We rounded up and gave him a full five - not too shabby, if you ask me. And he'll be able to lord it all over Al Franken if he wants to." "Well, dang me," said a disappointed Specter. "I've never been one of these people who says I'd rather rule in Hell than serve in Heaven, but this is ridiculous. I just got off the phone with Mitch McConnell and he told me the Republicans would be willing to take me back, but they'd restart me back at zero years, so I guess five years is better than nothing. I just wish I'd done a little better job of thinking through all the repercussions. I'll tell you one thing, though. I'm going to lord it all over Al Franken."

Bad Night In Cairo

[As the sun sets over Cairo's Presidential Palace, Hosni Mubarak returns home after a fruitless three day visit to Jordan, where he has failed in his effort to persuade King Abdullah to lower the tariff on cotton. First Lady Suzanne greets him at the palace door with the traditional Egyptian homecoming drink, a cold Amstel Light with a wedge of Pomegranate.] Hosni: A million thank yous, my dear Suzanne, although I can not help but notice the glaring absence of a frosty mug... And where is the Presidential Doorman with my hookah and slippers? Suzanne: A thousand pardons, my husband, but the doorman called in sick, as did the Presidential Masseuse, the chamber-maid, the upstairs maid, the third-floor maid, the downstairs maid, the lobby maid, the Presidential Projectionist, the Presidential Chef and three of his assistants, both butlers, and the chauffer. Hosni: What the blazes? What damnable plague has so decimated our domestic staff? Suzanne: That would be the plague that you so aptly described as the Scourge of Filth, or as it is known among the people, the Swine Flu. Hosni: Curses! I thought I had taken adequate steps to prevent the spread of that awful disease in my land. You know, it has already pretty much run it’s course in the rest of the world. Suzanne: Well, you know how Egypt is always the last place on the planet to get a lot of things... 'Slumdog Millionaire' is just now getting ready to premiere in Cairo this weekend. Hosni: Mohammadamn! I thought I had ordered a copy to be shown here before it played before the Egyptian people. Suzanne: Indeed you did, the reels await you even now in the Presidential Theater. But like I said about the Presidential Projectionist... Hosni: Unbelievable. Do we have any staff at all that have not been stricken? Suzanne: Let me think... The second floor maid is still here... Hosni: Useless Betty? Suzanne: That is so mean of you, Hosni. True, though... The Presidential Pedicurist is as healthy as ever. I do not suppose you want a pedicure, do you? Hosni: Not on your life. That is the only thing I had to do for fun in Jordan the entire weekend, what with Queen Noor out of town. Pedicure, manicure, negotiate a little, pedicure, manicure, bowl a few frames with the King... My feet are veritable works of art and should be exhibited in the national museum. What about dinner, Suzanne? I have not had anything but goat, goat and goat for three days. Is there anyone left in the kitchen? Suzanne: I still know how to scramble an egg, if you wish. But the only one left from the regular staff is Paula the Pastry Chef. Hosni: Then summon her immediately. And tell her that I need something stronger to drink than this swill from Denmark. A Jack and Coke would be nice… Paula: You rang? Hosni: I must have, since other than Suzanne and myself the palace is pretty much deserted. I need a Jack and Coke, and a wine spritzer for the First Lady. Paula: I am so sorry, Your Excellency, but the Presidential Bartender is out sick with the Swine Flu, and my faith precludes me from the mixing of spirits. I could whip you up a nice date éclair, though. Suzanne: As I recall from your employment application, Paula, you are a Presbyterian. Shame on you, you lazy girl. Paula: I’m telling my sister Betty what you said. Suzanne: And I am going to fire your… Hosni: Wait, Suzanne, wait… Paula… Miss Paula… Do you have the talent, or even the ability, to prepare anything other than pastries? Paula: Not on a pastry girl’s wages I do not. Perhaps if I was paid the same as a Presidential Chef I might have a somewhat more promising response. Hosni: Field promotion! This is your lucky day, Paula, and if you can make me that Jack and Coke, I’ll double your salary. Paula: You will have to triple it in order to get me up to Presidential Chef level. Suzanne: I remember the good old days when flogging was all the vogue… Hosni: I am making you Assistant Presidential Chef until such time as you can prove a certain amount of competence in the kitchen. Now make me that drink! Paula: Very well. Jack and Coke coming up. How do you make one, Your Excellency? Hosni: It is quite simple. Just take a seven ounce glass, fill it up with ice… Paula: Crushed or cubed? Hosni: I prefer cubed, as it does not melt as quickly. Now after you fill the glass with ice, you take the bottle of Jack Daniels and… Paula: Hold on, I need to get a pencil. Hosni: Okay, okay. You win. I’ll triple your salary. So you take the bottle of Jack… Paula: Say no more. For triple the salary, I would be more than happy to even make you a mango margarita. What would you like for dinner? Hosni: Now you are talking. Can you make anything that does not involve pastry? And nothing that contains goat, if you please. Paula: Ah, my specialty is the rack of ribs. I learned to prepare this exotic dish in a faraway place known as Memphis. Suzanne: Not to put too fine a point on it, Chef Paula, but Cairo and Memphis, they’re pretty much the same… Paula: No, no, Madame Mubarak. Aside from ‘Omar’s House of Porcine Delights’, Egypt is hardly a Mecca for ribs. And no one wants to go to Mersa Matruh anyway. Hosni: Not if they can help it, they assuredly do not. Paula: I learned to make my recipe, which I call ‘Paula’s Pharaoh Favorites’, in the Memphis of the Southern United States. My ribs cling to the bone for dear life, afraid to stay, and yet afraid to fall off. I use both a delectable rub of the finest American spices such as salt and pepper, as well as a mouthwatering Jack Daniels sauce which is both tangy and sweet, a unique sort of American exotica. You see, I do know more about the spirits than I was willing to initially admit. I tell you, my rack of ribs will make your hair curl. Hosni: Say no more, woman. I now want ribs more than the Jews wanted freedom back during the Age of Unpleasantness. To the kitchen, woman, my belly awaits your wares. Paula: I am so sorry, Your Excellency, but I was merely telling you of my specialty. As you may recall, there was that unfortunate incident with the pigs of Egypt a few days ago… Suzanne: What? Are you referring to the Great National Swine Slaughter? Paula: I am afraid this is so, Madame Mubarak. A great many pigs came to a fiery end over the weekend. You probably smelled it. Hosni: But… But what does that have to do with my rack of ribs? Paula: Well, you see, Your Excellency, the rack of ribs is an integral part of the pig, and the pigs, alas, they are no more. Suzanne: You are certainly not inferring that a rack of ribs comes from that filthy disease-ridden animal, are you? Paula: I regret this is so. Pork chops too. There is not a single pork chop left in the land. And you know the Knackwurst that the president is so fond of? Hosni: Oh no, what have I done? Mohammeddamnit, I was only trying to bedevil the Christians with all their incessantly oinking swine, and I… I didn’t know that… I screwed up, didn’t I? Paula: No ribs for you, if that is what you mean. But I can whip up a little goat stew if you still are hungry. Hosni: Suzanne, go crack those eggs…

Sessions ready for the block

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions declared himself "ready, willing, and able to get down to the hard work of opposing whoever President Obama happens to nominate for the Supreme Court", just as soon as his GOP colleagues can finish up the formalities of making him the ranking Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. "I'm ready to obstruct, big time," says Sessions, "but I need for Obama to meet me halfway by getting off the can and nominating somebody. Just what is the big delay in giving me a nominee I can delay? Christ, it's been five days already since Souter said he was leaving. And good riddance to him, although I'm quite confident that this president is going to give me somebody I dislike at least as much if not more. So enough of this foot-dragging." Saying that he is "quite aware of the fact that there are those among the American people who may think that is foolish for the Republican Party to be so vehemently opposing a nominee that has yet to be announced," Sessions nevertheless insists that the GOP has a clear idea of the type of judge they could support. "Somebody who's better than me, that's who we could support. When Ronald Reagan nominated me as a federal judgeship back in 1986, the Judiciary Committee said that I was not good enough. Too controversial. Maybe I should repeat myself. Ronald. Reagan. Nominated. Me. And I was rejected. So go ahead and make your little nomination, President Obama, and be prepared for a smackdown, because as you can see, the standard is pretty frigging high."