Reid concedes

Speaking solemnly, Majority Leader Harry Reid gaveled close another exciting week in the Senate (one not unusual in the fact that nothing was done) with a dramatic conclusion unique in modern congressional history - the decision to work on the week after a national holiday.   "Okay, I give up, you win. You win, Mister President. Don't shoot me - See, I've got my hands up. Your remarks yesterday really hurt, comparing us unfavorably to Malia and Sasha. True, we haven't gotten a lot of bills passed this year... just eighteen, if you're counting, and I'm sure you are... And fifteen of those were naming a building or extending an existing law, although we did get that one guy appointed to the board of the Smithsonian. Everybody loves Jimbo... And let's see, there's the Patriot Act, which was also an extension, but still, it was a significant one... And there was something else... "   "But I'll read what you said because you were right, we do have a heck of a lot of work to do. Not that we'll be able to really accomplish anything but what the heck, you've got the gun, rhetorically speaking. You know, Mr. President, you might have hear it said that with liberty comes responsibility. We should take that responsibility seriously. I’m confident we do. That’s why the Senate will reconvene on Tuesday, the day after the Fourth. We’ll do that because we have work to do. We’ll be in session that week - that’s next week - with our first vote on July 5, which as I indicated earlier, is the day after the fourth. There. You happy? Now everybody get on out of here and enjoy what you've got left of the weekend."

Waterloo says thanks

"A mistake?" asks Waterloo resident Missy Buckner, neither expecting nor wanting an answer. "No, I don't think it was a mistake. I know that the media likes to portray Michele Bachmann as somebody who can't keep her facts straight, but all I know is that she's not even president yet and already she's managed to save at least one job - mine."   For over ten years, Buckner has been curator of Waterloo Iowa's John Wayne Gacy Museum of Art, home of the largest collection of the Killer Clown's paintings, drawings, and artifacts in the world. Founded with an endowment from an anonymous European donor, the Gacy Museum has been an enormous failure, drawing only a few occasional curiosity seekers and losing money every year. It had been threatened with closing it's doors forever later this summer.   "I can't help but think that all of that's going to change now," says Buckner. "What Michele Bachmann has done is remind everyone about Waterloo's most famous resident. Sure, he might have been primarily famous for killing all those teenage boys back in the seventies, but if there was justice in life - aside from the justice Gacy got at the end of his - he would be famous as Waterloo's greatest artist. And now he will be."   "Bachmann said that John Wayne came from Waterloo. She didn't say which one and nobody asked her. The other John Wayne, well, he's not from Iowa, he's from Hollywood. And his real name was Marion Mitchell Morrison. John Wayne Gacy was using his real name. And when Bachmann said that she was just like him, I assume that she means she's an artist, too. I mean, she doesn't look like the sort of a person who would be a serial killer. Of course, I guess that's the same thing they used to say about Gacy."   "The man really had a feel for clowns, don't you think? He knew them intimately, knew what made them tick, because he used to dress up like a clown for parades and children's parties. So he knew first hand how truly scary clowns can be and really captured that. He painted them for the entire fourteen years he was on death row, and they make up a large part of the museum's collection. We have some of his landscapes, some of his dwarfs - he liked to paint the dwarfs from Disney's 'Snow White', often with clowns - and some of his portraits of other serial killers, but I think when people visit the Gacy Museum, it's the clowns they're going to want to see."   "And people will be coming to the museum now, thanks to Michele Bachmann, I just know it. We had over a dozen visitors today, and when I asked them what brought them here, she's the reason they gave. That's why the Gacy Museum has authorized a token of our appreciation for helping us survive. An original piece, a Manson by Gacy. It's a real stunner, isn't it? I hope this small token of our appreciation lets Bachmann understand just how warmly the people of Waterloo feel about her."

Bachmann finally in

Michele Bachmann formally announced the kickoff of her presidential campaign today in Iowa, home of the first nominating caucus and a state where she is currently tied with Mitt Romney as the frontrunner. Telling the people in her childhood home town of Waterloo that she could and would win the nomination and make Obama a one-term president, she proceeded to further endear herself to the crowd by comparing herself to the Iowa state symbol, the three legged stool.   "I am here in Waterloo, Iowa to announce today," Bachmann said, keeping the attendees in suspense just a little bit longer. "We can win in 2012 and we will. Yes we can. Hey, you won't be hearing those words for much longer, which is why today I'm unveiling my new campaign motto, yes we will! Say it with me everybody - Yes we will! Yes we will!" "Our voice has been growing louder and stronger and ever more frightening. And it is made up of Americans from all walks of life, just like a three-legged stool. Although I must make it clear that the American people, much like myself, are not made out of wood and will not splinter. It's the peace through strength Republicans, and I'm one of them and that's the first leg, it's fiscal conservatives, and I'm one of them and that's the second leg, and it's social conservatives, and I'm one of them and that's the third. It's the Tea Party movement and I'm one of them and that's the... I'm like a three legged stool with four legs! Yes we will!"

Robots in the News

President Obama autographs an unusually benign robot   President Obama was pillaged by deep blasts of mockery this weekend from the GOP's prospective presidential primary pool, following remarks he made Friday at the National Robotics Engineering Center at Carnegie Mellon University. In order to promote advanced manufacturing in the United States, he announced a seventy million dollar initiative to the group "to accelerate the development and use of robots in the United States that work beside, or cooperatively with, people".   "You might not know this, but one of my responsibilities as commander-in-chief is to keep an eye on robots," Obama said in his introduction, hoping to build some rapid robot repartee, "And I'm pleased to report that the robots you manufacture here seem peaceful. At least for now." Leading Republicans responded with a variety of reasons to poke scorn at the president's proposal, with across the board agreement that robots cost too much and are, quite frankly, dangerous.   Sarah Palin launched the first broadside Saturday afternoon when she tweeted "RU serious?? NFW!! Robots R good 4 attacking earthlings, bad 4 America!!!!". Jon Huntsman then briefly addressed the issue on Saturday night while appearing as a guest panelist on the 'McLaughlin Group'. Huntsman was surprised by John McLaughlin when during the Lightning Round he was asked "Robots - funny topic or serious threat?" to which he deftly replied "Both". By the time of the Sunday Talk shows the subject of robots was everywhere, including all four segments of FOX News Sunday.   "Seventy million dollars?" an incredulous Michele Bachmann said to FNS host Chris Wallace. "That sort of reckless spending is frightening at a time when the president is trying to destroy Medicare and cut Social Security benefits. But then, robots are inherently frightening, unpredictable and dangerous to humanity. President Obama says they appear to be peaceful at the moment, but anyone who's seen a science fiction movie can tell you the peril that they pose." Wallace then asked Bachmann if she was a flake, to which she responded in the negative.   "Robots are old technology and robots are bad technology," Newt Gingrich proclaimed on the next segment, which Wallace introduced by saying that he just loved talking about robots.. "The real future is ecto-skeletons, which is something most leading technologists agree on. Why would you want to work with a robot when you can be a robot? It defies all logic."   "The sort of robots President Obama is talking about would take American jobs," Tim Pawlenty observed on 'Face the Nation'. "They'll be competing with folks directly, and who can compete with a robot? They're stronger than us, they don't mind doing the repetitive tasks, and they'll work for next to nothing. That should be the good news, but unfortunately it's not, because those robots will all be beholden to Obama. Either he'll have an ownership stake in them or have them under government control, so it's just a matter of time before they'll be protected by the union. That won't happen under a Pawlenty presidency."   Appearing on 'Meet the Press', Donald Trump, possibly pondering a third party run, took the topic in a very different although imminently predictable direction. "It would make perfect sense that Obama is himself a robot," said the blustery windbag. "They could have built him anywhere at any time, which goes a long way to explain the whole birth certificate issue. And I'll tell you something else, Trump industries could have built a much better robot president than Obama."

Whitey

"Don't look now, young Eric, but if I'm not mistaken that's Whitey Bulger following you." "What?"   "Oh, you know, Whitey Bulger the notorious mobster. Narcotics distribution, money laundering, extortion, and at least nineteen known murders."   "You're insane, Boehner."   "No, I'm not insane, but I'm pretty sure Whitey Bulger is, and he was giving you quite the stare. I'd recommend that you watch your back."   "Listen old man, I'm going to... Oh my God, it is Whitey Bulger and I think he... He winked at me! Whitey Bulger just winked at me! What the hell is that supposed to mean?"   "Well, it means he made bail, for one thing. I know the Feds just had him locked up for a couple of days, but it's amazing what you can do if you pull a few strings."   "Who would pull strings for Whitey Bulger?"   "Oh boy, that's a tough one... Maybe somebody who was trying to send a message to an insubordinate subordinate who played the wrong card on the wrong person. Maybe somebody like me, young Eric."   "You're having Whitey Bulger following me?"   "No, I didn't ask him to, but if he wants to show a little gratitude, I'd say that's entirely his business. And yours, of course. Word on the street is that old Whitey was pretty upset with the way you double-crossed me by setting me up to take the fall in the debt limit talks."   "You can't do that!"   "Can't do what? Can't take the fall? Of course I can, and you set it up so I don't have any other option. 'Only the President and the Speaker can make the deal'. Nice work, young Eric. No matter what I agree to, it's going to piss off everybody on the right. I'll probably be primaried and out of a job, and you'll probably end up being the Speaker. I just hope you'll still be able to enjoy it with two broken legs."   "You're going to have Whitey Bulger break my legs?"   "Well I'm not going to ask him to murder you. What kind of person do you think I am? Certainly not they type who wants to spend the rest of his life in prison. Of course, Whitey's most likely headed back there anyway, so it's no skin off his back, and if he'd like to administer a little rough justice to a double-crossing weasel before he goes, that's his prerogative."   "You're the one that double-crossed me by making me take the lead in the debt limit talks to begin with."   "I'll run that by Whitey and get his take on it. I think he would see me as a strong leader who gave an opportunity to an unworthy subordinate. I hope that doesn't make him any madder."   "That's bullshit!"   "Yeah, you're right, young Eric. I really don't care if gets angrier or not. See you at the office."

makin a difference

"People see me out in public, they always wanna know what I'm doin in retirement," said former president George W Bush as the Texas Rangers headed to the dugout for another exciting inning. "I like to tell them that even though I'm not still the Commander in Chief, that doesn't mean that I've left the playin field. I consider myself part of the line of activist former presidents, just like my daddy, Bill Clinton, and that bastard Jimmy Carter. That's why I'm here tonight to further enhance my legacy by helpin my beloved Texas Rangers break the world's record for havin the most people ever wearin sunglasses at night."   "We broke it, too, broke it by a long shot. The Guinness people were here to verify it. They even offered me one of their beers but I told them 'no thanks, I'll just stick with my diet Coke'. It's temptin, but I don't want to be one of those drunken ex-presidents like Grover Cleveland. Course my buddy Dale here threatened to slug me cause he said that I could have given it to him. Ain't that right, Dale?"   "That's right, Chief."   "Dale likes to call me Chief, and that's all right. I told him if he slugged me my secret service guy would be all over him like flies on shit. And then I made him beg for my forgiveness. Ain't that right, Dale?"   "That's right, Chief."   "That's my secret service guy Stevenson right behind me in the red shirt, the one pointin his taser at Dale's noggin. You don't want to use live ammunition in a ball park unless it's absolutely necessary. Anyhow, I'm mighty proud to have set the Guinness World Record. That gives me three world records - most meaningless American conflict, biggest giveaway to our corporate overlords, and most people wearin sunglasses at night. Three world records. That's a trifecta. I'm thinkin that qualifies me for sainthood, except for the fact that I'm not Catholic. I know the Pope, though. The man can pull some strings."   "So what's it all mean, all these people wearin sunglasses at night, that's what my critics would like to ask. Course I don't listen to my critics anymore. That's one of the perks of being an ex-president. But the meaning is not clear, because history has not been written yet. I'm just glad that I still have the motivation to still make a difference, instead of just restin on my laurels. Ain't that right, Dale?"   "That's right, Chief."

When a Gingrich calls...

"What do you want from me?"   "Oh... Uh, hello Miss, I just wanted a moment of your time."   "A minute is about all the time I have left!"   "Very good, then. I'll try to be brief. You, uh, you seem to be a little upset. Is the Obama economy disturbing you? Or is it the rapid deterioration of free enterprise?"   "No, it's my cell phone. It's enormous. All the other kids have cool cell phones with video and texting, and all I've got is this clunky old thing. It's really bumming me out. That and the fact that somebody is trying to kill me!"   "I understand. It's probably the Socialist agenda of Barack Obama."   "It could well be. I can't tell because he's wearing a mask!"   "The mask of respectability. That's why I wanted to talk to you this evening about Newt Gingrich and his plan to revitalize America through innovation."   "Newt Gingrich can't help me because his campaign is dead! Dead!"   "Oh no, I can assure you that his campaign is very much alive. That's why I'm calling tonight to ask if you..."   "All his staff walked out on him! They left him on his own! Alone! He's dead!"   "Quite frankly, that's a fiction that was cooked up my the mainstream media. He's just in the process of reorganizing and there are a number of staffers..."   "They said he has no staff, no donors, no political support and no campaign! He's dead, and in a moment I will be too!"   "I don't know about you, Miss, but I'm doing just fine. This reorganization gives me the flexibility to run this campaign the way I want to and I couldn't be happier with the prospects."   "Wait a second. You just said 'I'. You said 'I'm doing fine'. This is Newt Gingrich, isn't it? Why are you calling me?"   "Well, that's a little awkward. You see, my fundraisers walked out on me today and so..."   "You're dead!"   "...And so I was calling personally to see if my campaign can count on you to make a contribution to help save America!"   "I'm so frightened! I would give everything I have if you could just help save me!"   "Very good, then. I'll take that as a yes. Now for a hundred dollar contribution you get a DVD copy of my new documentary 'A City Upon a Hill'. Or perhaps if money is no problem you'd be interested in becoming a Gingrich Power Patriot, which is..."   "How soon can you help me?"   "Just as soon as I take office I'm going to..."   "I don't have nineteen months! I don't have nineteen months!"   "Unfortunately, the electoral system is..."   "Yiiiiiiiiiiii! Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"   "Miss? Miss? Ah well, have a blessed day."

Firestarter

Cranky but befuddled hothead Senator John McCain has created a new firestorm within civil rights groups and throughout the Hispanic community with his charge that some of the firestorms ravaging Arizona were started by illegal immigrants.   "There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally," McCain claimed Saturday at a press conference which was apparently called for the sole purpose of airing his claim. The former Republican presidential nominee has been feeling rather left out with the start of the 2012 campaign season and said he just wanted a chance to refresh his memory as to what the heat in the kitchen felt like. At the conclusion of his short remarks, he thanked the press for allowing him the opportunity to say something outrageous.   Many do-gooders were quick to point out that the senior senator had not submitted a shred of his substantial evidence, although if he had thought of it at the time he would have surely pointed out that it was intuitively true. It must have galled him terribly that it was already too late to get himself booked on any Sunday shows, but being no slacker, McCain appeared this morning bright and early on the Don Imus show to defend his claim.   "I said some of the fires, S, O, M, E, some," McCain told the largely irrelevant talk jockey, who protested that he had mastered at least elementary spelling. "I was briefed by the Forest Service, which is an official United States government agency, about the fact that illegal immigrants sometimes start these fires. Sometimes. And there has been testimony by service officials - note the word official - that large numbers of warming and cooking fires built are abandoned by cross-border violators and have caused wildfires that have destroyed cultural and natural resources."   "Harumph," replied Imus.   "Now I myself am not claiming these were warming fires. God knows that it's been warm enough lately. Some might even call it hot, but it's nice here in Arizona when you're not engulfed in flame, it's a dry heat. Cooking fires, that's another story. How else are you going to make a burrito when you're out there in the woods? And I would submit to you that anyone who would blatantly violate our immigration laws would have no qualms about not properly putting out their fires before they leave their campsites. One more thing to consider - when the border patrol is closing in on you, is there any better diversionary tactic than a blazing inferno? I think you've got to admit I've got an open and shut prima facie case."   "Harumph," agreed Imus, "time for a commercial break."   "I think my strong argument shows that I'm still as relevant within the Republican caucus as I ever was," said the triumphant senator later in the day as he strutted into the Capitol. "With any luck at all, I've shaved another five points off our Hispanic vote tally."

NASA's bounty

Andy Warhol's 'Moon Walk' from the NASA collection "Robert Rauschenberg is kept there, and Norman Rockwell too. In their vast vault you can find Andy Warhol stored alongside Annie Leibovitz in an Indiana Jones style seemingly random warehouse of 3000 art treasures of invaluable worth. The trove of treasure has been growing for fifty years, and it was one of Washington's best kept secrets up until two weeks ago when NASA made the foolish mistake of temporarily going public with their priceless collection. Now following an opening salvo by Michele Bachman at this weekend's RightOnLine conservative gathering, all hell has broken loose.   "Forget the National Endowment for the Arts and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting," Bachmann told the adoring throng. "This is an art crime of a much more insidious nature. As opposed to the NEA, which at least purports to be doing something in the public interest, NASA is actually using scarce taxpayer dollars to purchase art for their own private enjoyment. And even more disturbing is the fact that word is starting to leak out that they are not the only agency engaging in this illegitimate practice. Works by high priced painters and photographers, and for all we know at this point, there might even be sculpture involved. In reality, this is the people's art and the people demand that it all be hauled down to Sotheby's for immediate liquidation."   "We've got a little saying in Texas," Texas Governor Rick Perry, said at the final day of the Republican Leadership Conference, picking up on Bachmann's lead. "A man who spends money on art is a man to keep an eye on, if he's a man at all. The fact is that NASA isn't a man, and they seem intent on proving that by squandering our money on a bunch of pictures. A picture has never met a payroll. Not one American job has ever been created by a picture, although as Anthony Weiner can tell you, one sure as heck has been lost by a picture. And if I run for president, I'm going to see to it that a lot more jobs are lost because of pictures, starting with these bobbleheads who have been bankrupting NASA."   "There are a lot of American people who can't afford their own Rauschenberg," Mitt Romney responded reasonably. "I myself never owned one up until about seven years ago, and let me tell you quite honestly, America cannot afford a habit of this nature. Now I'm going to make a charitable assumption and say that NASA has been buying these items as an investment, because everybody knows that art is an excellent investment. Perhaps they anticipated the dire financial crisis that lay ahead, and realize that now would be the right time to sell, allowing these pieces to pass into the hands of wealthy personal collectors who have sufficient funds to squander and into corporate boardroom where they can do a lot to brighten up a room. That would be the proper thing for NASA to do, because I'd love to get my hands on that Warhol moon man."

fairway negotiations

"I'm figuring twenty bucks a hole, Mister President, just to keep the game interesting. Sound about right to you?"   "Well, John, that all depends. Will you raise the debt ceiling?"   "I think you know the answer to that. I want two dollars of spending cuts for every dollar we raise it?"   "That's crazy talk, John. We don't have four gazillion dollars in cuts that we can make, so the answer is most likely no."   "Most likely, but not definitely. I think we're making some real progress in our negotiations, so I'm ready to present you with my latest offer. One dollar eighty-five in cuts for every dollar we raise the debt ceiling."   "That does sound a lot more reasonable than the two dollar figure you were throwing around. I'll ponder it. Now on to more important business. How much of a handicap are you going to give me? After all, you are ranked by Golf Digest as the forty-third best golfer in Washington."   "Very true, and the last time I checked, which was this morning, you weren't even ranked. Here comes your handicap now, my partner John Kasich."   "Good God almighty, the man looks like he can barely hobble out here. But twenty dollars a hole it is. Unless you'd like to raise it, because here comes my secret weapon, Joltin' Joe Biden."   "Curses! Not Joltin' Joe, the player ranked by Golf Digest as the twenty-ninth greatest golfer in Washington DC... I fear that you have bested me in these negotiations once again."   "Hey Boehner, I see you're wearing shorts that look just like mine. Aren't you a little tubby for those?"   "Fuck you, Biden... Mister President, you've got to give me something more in this deal. This disastrous turn of events has in effect turned this into a fair game."   "More than fair, John, because I know I can outplay that sickly looking partner of yours. You could say that... Whoa! Did you see the length of the putt that Biden just sank!"   "I know a thing or two about sinking putts, too... Mister President, will you tell your partner to quit staring at my shorts?"   "Stop it, Joe."   "Okay, lining it up... easy... Yahoo! The kid's in there for par!"   "That was only a two foot putt on level ground, Boehner. I'm not exactly shaking in my shorts over here."   "Shut up about the goddamn shorts, Biden... Mister President, we really need to renegotiate the terms of this game."   "I'll tell you what I'm going to do, John. I'll move these little flags for us and... Hey, what's the matter with your partner? It looks like he's having some kind of attack."   "It looks like he's about to shit in his shorts, Boss."   "Heh heh... You're right, Joe, he does! I think maybe you shook him up a little with your last shot."   "Kasich! Get the fuck up! You're embarrassing me! Honestly, I try to take you someplace nice and look at the uncouth way you behave."     "Nice drive, Joe."    "Thanks, Boss."    "Well, like I was going to say before your partner spazzed out, after the game, I'm going to allow you to drive the presidential golf cart back to the clubhouse. And there's something we were pulling your leg about - Biden's not my partner, you are."   "Oh, really? That means we have a real chance to win."   "Oh my lord, with Kasich at Biden's side, you bet we do."   "That's... very sporting, Mister President. And in return for your kind gesture, I'm going to go back to my caucus and see if I can talk them into accepting a buck eighty in spending cuts for every dollar we raise the deficit."   "It's worth a try, John."

Newt in thrall

Callista shows Newt where she wants him to move the piano   Newt Gingrich has demanded that NBC apologize to his third wife Callista for reporting things about their campaign that really hurt her feelings.   "I think the program [sic] this morning was totally irresponsible, and personally reprehensible," Gingrich told FOX News, "and the kind of thing that makes it hard to get decent people to run for public office. Just look at the current field, as an example. When you have these kinds of vicious attacks, you have a hard time getting anyone to run except for scumbags like me."   The report by Michael Isikoff details some of Callista's behavior which has helped give Newt's campaign the laughing stock status that it currently has, not that it wasn't completely ludicrous from the very beginning. One of the major obsessions of Callista is the constant promotion of the documentaries that she and Newt co-produce and co-star in. So important is it that citizens get to see such opuses as 'Rediscovering God in America' that Callista insists that campaign stops include a screening of one of their videos, after which they sell DVD copies in the lobby. Recently before a campaign stop in South Carolina Newt's staff refused to schedule a screening, an action Callista found so egregious that she insisted the couple fly back to DC and go to the opera instead. The impeccably groomed Madam Gingrich also refused to allow any early morning campaign events so that she would have plenty of time to get her hair done, but it was her insistence on taking a Greek cruise a couple of days after Newt's official campaign kickoff that finally led his staff to desert en masse.   "These were supposed to be professionals who we were paying, who supposedly had some sense of confidentiality, and who promptly did some back-stabbing in a way that I just found amazing," said gracious grinch Gingrich of his departed staff. "Would you call that professional? I certainly wouldn't. They should man up and take Callista's shit just like I do, because Callista's shit smells sweeter than roses."   "Callista and I have a very similar relationship to Nancy and Ronnie Reagan," Gingrich continued. "We're almost exactly like them in oh so many ways. As a matter of fact, she used to have me dress up like Ronald Reagan, which I thoroughly enjoyed once the hair and makeup was finished. You could really look at it as a promotion for me, because earlier on she would just have me dress up as a maid and paint her toenails. That wasn't too bad but I felt the Reagan outfit lent me more dignity, particularly when she would have her friends over... Nowadays she has me dress up as a serious presidential candidate and... What's that, honey? ...Oh nothing, just talking to a reporter... My pleasure, Callista, I'll be right in to draw your bath."

Mitt 'Shecky' Romney, Borscht Belt Politicain

"Mitt Romney... had just finished working the room at Blake’s Creamery here when he paused for a photo with the restaurant’s owner... and decided to tell her a joke. "I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce,” he said. “And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise." - Dana Milbank, 6/15/11 Good evening, ladies and germs. Oops, I meant ladies and gentlemen. I call you ladies and gentlemen, but you know what you really are - hard working citizens who are sick and tired of having the government try to run your lives. I mean, isn't that what you've got a wife for?   The truth is, most people are still willing to do an honest day's work. The only problem is that they want a whole week's pay for it. I'm tellin' you, this culture of entitlements has got to stop. A man comes up to me yesterday, tells me a hard luck story about how he hasn't worked in a year, and asks if I can give him a few bucks so he can get something to eat. Well, I think about it, but because there are so many government handout programs, I have to ask him, 'How do I know you're not just going to use this money on booze?'. He points to his shirt picket and says 'Because I've got my drinking money right here'. But the people of New Hampshire are hard working folks, I'm tellin' you, they work hard for a living, but they're appreciative of what they've got. On the way to Blake's Creamery tonight, my driver hit an elderly plumber. How do I know he was a plumber? Because when we hit him, he sprang a leak. So I call the ambulance, the paramedics get the plumber on the stretcher, and they ask him, 'Are you comfortable'. The guy looks up and he says, 'Eh, I make a living'.   The economy is really bad, people. I'm going to fix it if you send me to Washington but until then, you've just got find a way to make lemonade out of lemons. Of course then the Democratic Senate will probably try to put an excise tax on lemons, but what can you do? Take my president, please. Obama's economy is so bad that General Motors had to lay off fourteen Democratic senators. I'm tellin' you, this economy is in the pits, even the doctors can't make ends meet anymore. I know a lady, she went to a doctor who did a lot of unnecessary tests and then told her she only had six months to live. But when he found out she couldn't afford to pay her bill, he gave her six more months.   Hey, You all have been a great audience, I love the Granite State, and I'm going to be spending a lot of time with you good people for the next few months. Just remember the words of Ronald Reagan, if I may paraphrase just a little - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession, but under Barrack Obama, I have come to the conclusion that it bears a very close resemblance to prostitution. It's  bad, people, but it's going to get better, if you just go out and vote for me early and often. Thank you and good night.

Sean and Michele

"...but before we get started on tonight's discussion, I just want to tell you, Congressman Bachmann, how happy I am to have another friend of the show formally getting into the race for the Republican nomination."   "Thank you, Sean. God gave me the thumbs up."   "Well, thank the big guy for me, would you? I can't tell you how very anxiety filled I was to be here in middle of June and have Newt Gingrich as the only friend of the Sean Hannity Show that was running."   "I appreciate that, Sean. I know your policy of only throwing your very important endorsement to a friend of the show."   "Tell me about it, Michele. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would have been to have to endorse that old fool? Now I can hold my head up high and tell all my listeners that they have to get out there and work hard for Michele Bachmann. But, I need to say, no disrespect meant towards Newt Gingrich. He's still a heck of a guest and I love having him on the show. So, who do you think won the debate last night? I think you did, but I want to get your opinion."   "I've got to admit that Mitt Romney came off as quite poised, although he certainly has had enough practice time. And I would like to think that I acquitted myself respectably. But by and large everybody was on message, so I think it was the American people who were the winner."   "Did somebody ask me a question?"   "She said winner, moron, not Weiner. And you know the rules, just sit their quietly unless directly addressed."   "Sean, why is Anthony Weiner sitting in the panel right next to me?"   "The producer came up with that, but I think it's a great idea. See, we just put him in the panel and then we slap a funny graphic over him. See? '$pending our way to Oblivion'."   "Yeah, I see, and you've got a dollar sign instead of an S. Very clever. But... What is Anthony Weiner doing here?"   "Oh, he's not here anymore than you are, Congressman Bachmann. It's all live video and then the guys in the control booth put it together to make it look, you know, more telegenic."   "I don't..."   "It's kind of a visual reminder of what total losers liberals are. Weiner doesn't mind doing it, either. None of the other networks except for FOX are having him on, and he seems to have a bit of a television addiction. So, Michele, I noticed during the debate that you didn't attack any of the other candidates, not even Mitt Romney. Why is that?"   "I felt that this was my introduction to a large segment of the American people, so it was impor..."   "I'll bet you would have liked to attack Newt, though, wouldn't you? I'll bet you would have liked to wipe that smug look off of his jowly face."   "Sean, I get the distinct feeling that you and Speaker Gingrich have had some kind of falling out."   "Nothing could be further from the truth, Congressman Bachmann. It's just that I think that as a decent human being that Newt ranks a lot lower than Congressman Weiner. I mean, he hasn't suffered the same sort of embarrassment, but his moral failings are a whole heckuva lot worse. Don't you agree?"   "I don't know what to say."   "That's a first, ladies and gentlemen, right here on the Sean Hannity Show, Michele Bachmann is rendered speechless. But seriously, no disrespect meant to Newt Gingrich. He's had more than his share of good ideas. Newt is a friend of the show, he's a great guest, and he's welcome here anytime he wants. So my impression of your thoughts is that you thought Mitt Romney was bizarrely robotic and that you won the debate hands down."   "I don't think that's what I said..."    "Well, I think you were the clear winner."   "Uh, thank you, Sean. I guess that means that I can count on your support in the primaries."   "I can't honestly say that, Congressman Bachmann. There are other friends of the show that haven't made up their minds whether or not to run. It would have helped if you had announced your candidacy on my show rather than on CNN where nobody cares, but if it's just you and Newt, you definitely have my vote. And thanks for appearing on tonight's show."   "Sure thing, Sean. It was your pleasure."  "Now coming up next, my very special guest Dick Morris is going to be here in person to discuss whether or not Anthony Weiner is as depraved as Bill Clinton."

Checkmate in Tripoli

It was truly must see TV in Libya this weekend as the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya Muammar Gaddafi took a short break from killing his own people to demonstrate that he really is quite insane. The appearance was intended to assure whoever it is that watches Libyan State Television that he was still fully in charge.   "Good evening people of the Libyan Republic," he began by way of introduction. "As you can see I am still fully in charge, fully engaged, and my complexion has a very healthy glow. When you saw me appear upon your television screen, you probably expected to hear me speak of the many great victories in front of us. And they shall come, but tonight I have a very special treat. I invite you now to watch as I focus my attention upon the game of kings. I myself, of course, am not a king, nor am I a president, prime minister, or potentate, but I still enjoy the game."   Challenging Gaddafi was very special guest Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, former president of the Russian Republic of Kalmykia and current president of the World Chess Federation. Perhaps leveling the playing field was the fact that Ilyumzhinov is also insane, having spent millions on the construction of the Chess City complex in a poor and barren section of the Russian outback. Another clue might be his repeated insistence that he was abducted by aliens and taken to a distant star.   "My theory is that chess comes from space," Ilyumzhinov said of his beloved game. "Why? Because it has the same rules, 64 squares, black and white, and the same rules in Japan, in China, in Qatar, in Mongolia, in Africa. The rules are the same. Why? I think it seems maybe it is from space."   "Even to me, that borders on the absurd side," confided Gaddafi. "Dice have the same rules and are black and white and square. Does that mean they came to earth on a flying saucer? Pizza Hut is the same in Japan, China, Mongolia, and Africa, and Qatar, although I understand that in Mongolia their delivery time if far from acceptable. Still, I do not believe they have an interplanetary origin. I shall enjoy taking this imbecile's rubles."   "Gaddafi's really not much of a chess player," said Ilyumzhinov a short time later, speaking from a Tripoli backstreet where he had been roughly deposited. "He's much weaker than me... just an enthusiast who knows where to put the pieces and do a child's play checkmate. Just look at that board, he had a double set of thirty-two white pieces, I had two pawns, a knight and a rook, and I still took him out in less than ten minutes."

Edward Niño Hernández, half-pint has-been, still not bitter

"Get out of my way, you pathetic runt," snarled the seemingly enormous woman as she veered sharply to avoid tripping over Edward Niño Hernández. Flipping her a tiny bird, Hernández watched as she turned the corner before daring to speak. He was, he knew, a broken little man. "That perra tonta would have been all over me a couple of days ago," Hernández observes bitterly. "Now all of a sudden I'm not good enough for her. It just goes to prove what I've always said, these putas are all the same... [continued here]   Could it really have been a scant nine months ago that Edward Niño Hernández finally achieved his childhood dream of growing up to be crowned the world's shortest man? He had long harbored a secret resentment towards his skimpy superior He Pingping, which suddenly seemed meaningless when his rival departed this mortal coil after a short illness. It was a whirlwind five weeks of nonstop action where, ironically, nothing seemed beyond his reach. Then tragedy suddenly struck for the 27½" Pride of Bogotá, as the Guinness World Records Committee caustically cut him down to size by crowning 26½" Khagendra Thapa Magar to the title that Hernández had held for such an wee amount of time.   "It was brutal, you no?," asked Hernández, using the abbreviated form of 'know'. He usually speaks in rapid fire short little sentences punctuated by frequent curse words, which actually seems kind of cute when you see them emanating from his meager mouth.   "I was like cojeme, that hijo de puta is only eighteen years old. I had to wait until I was twenty-four to take the title. I'm telling Guinness, hey, give it a couple years, how do you know the sawed-off pendejo won't grow. And you know what? He did! A full pinche inch and a quarter! Of course I've also grown another quarter of an inch, so technically Magar and I would be tied for the title, but I guess it really doesn't pinche matter because now you've got another eighteen year old hijo de puta who's only 23½". Mierda! What the does a nanus have to do to get a little respect?"   "Vete al infierno, Junrey Balawing. If that's you're real name. 23½"? I'm calling you out for doping, pendejo, because nobody could be that short without some sort of human anti-growth hormone. Yo mataria tu!"   "Yeah, but Guinness doesn't care. All those conchatumadres at Guinness ever cares about is getting their names in the paper no matter who's heart they have to break, the pinche maricóns. But me, I'm doing fine. I'm still waiting for a callback from John Waters, but I've got a commercial for those Reese's Minis in the can that's going to be running on all of the Spanish stations in South America... Kinda cute. It opens up with me about to bite into one of the peanut butter cups and it looks completely normal until the camera pulls back and shows me standing beside a pit bull. Very good acting, because I'm telling you, that puta was enormous. But then, Edward Niño Hernández doesn't scare easily. I've got ice water running through my veins. Just about a pint, but I know at the end of the day, I'm a smaller man in my heart than any of these other bastardos."

Newt soldiers on

There are many in the political realm who have said from the beginning that a run for the Republican nomination by Gingrich was a ridiculous conceit that had no chance of success. Newt was not one of those. Sadly, however, his campaign manager, his spokesman, his top strategists, and most of his highly paid consultants were among the non-believers, and yesterday they held a surprise party for Gingrich where they gleefully told the old megalomaniac where he could stick it.   "Frankly, I'm a lot better off without these hangers-on," Newt said yesterday in an impromptu interview with ABC which took place on his driveway. "They were a money drain, and they were an emotional drain, what with their incessant harping on me to get out there and campaign. People are attracted to my brilliant mind, not my sparkling personality, and with 'Newt 2.0™' launching on Sunday, I'll be free to fight on the battlefield of ideas. And that's one place where I definitely have the most ammunition."   "It's a virtual world nowadays, one where having a corporeal presence in an actual geographic place offers no strategic advantage. That said, I will be physically in New Hampshire on Monday for the Republican debate since they lack the vision to allow me to participate via live video, but the most important place for me to be is everywhere. I'm on Facebook, I'm a twittering fool, and I can show up on any blog in America at a moment's notice. As a matter of fact, I'm on one right now. Nice picture, Hoback, it shows off my steely left eye." Newt Gingrich's week, already ranked as one of his personal worst, took a surprisingly turn even further south into the unquiet zone of utter failure today after his schnauzer Mitzi became the latest creature to desert him. Citing a lack of any meaningful emotional connection, Mitzi indicated that she would prefer to take her chances on the street. "Losing Mitzi is a real blow," Newt admitted. "It means that Calista is going to want to get another schnauzer, and she'll want me to go with her. That might not sound like such a big deal, but Calista won't get the first dog she sees. No, she'll want to look and look, and then she'll want to go back and narrow it down, and the truth is that will really cut into my twitter time. It's a real battle, but I will soldier on, and despite what the political pundits think, I will win this battle."   "If you recall your history this is quite reminiscent of the Battle of Thermopylae where King Leonidas took his small band of spunky Spartans into battle against Xerxes the Great and the massive Persian Army. We all know how that turned out, and the reason that Leonidas was able to defeat Xerxes was due to his skill in using brain power."   "Of course, if you don't remember history, this is also similar to what happened to John McCain back in 2007. He lost all his top advisers, and he had problems with his cash flow - mine is tied up in diamonds - but he was able to recover and he went on to win the nomination. The only real difference is that even during his roughest period, McCain still had a dog and people who believed in him. And he didn't have Calista."

Romney stuns GOP by not flip-flopping

In a move apparently intended to confuse the growing field of GOP presidential contenders, Mitt Romney has raised the bar for political subterfuge by not flip-flopping on his his position that climate change is real and energy efficiency is good. Reaction, needless to say, has been swift.   "This is insanity," says tiresome political commentator George Will. "Nobody publicly believes in climate change anymore. I suppose there may be some who believe with their heart but they know better than to believe it with their lips. Gingrich has flip-flopped on climate change, Giuliani has flip-flopped on it, and I think that Tim Pawlenty has flip-flopped as well. I'm not sure about Pawlenty, I haven't really been paying that much attention to him. The point is, Mitt Romney is the human pretzel, we expect him to twist himself into whatever position is required to come into accordance with the current conservative orthodoxy, so for what unspeakable reason has he not flip-flopped?"   "Perhaps it can be explained by Romney's love of energy efficiency and the endless burdensome federal regulation that it brings," suggested Will's even drabber colleague, Fred Barnes. "Or maybe he inwardly thrills at the thought of cap and trade, the concept of driving our energy costs ever higher. We already know he invented Obamacare so who knows what other dark secrets this shadowy Mormon keeps concealed. I'll bet he get a chuckle out of imagining us all driving little tin can cars that we have to plug into our wall sockets. I'll bet he finds the very thought of that real funny."   Underlining the significance of Romney's disastrous non-flip-flop, the lead spokesman for the Republican Party delivered a prophetic eulogy on Tuesday.   "Bye bye nomination," sputtered Rush Limbaugh. "Another RINO in the RINO hole. Mitt has dug a pit for himself at the same time that most of America has been flip-flopping as they've come to see climate change for the hoax it's always been. This is a hole Romney won't be able to climb out of. Flush it twice and bring me Santorum."

Pawlenty turns up the excitement

"I should be considered the frontrunner by now," muses former governor Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota's other Republican presidential hopeful. "Everybody says so, at least everybody on MSNBC. It would be nice if FOX would get behind me, or really, any of the conservative media, because that would help immensely with the low profile thing I've got going on. It might also help out with the 'boring' label I've been stuck with. Me boring? I should say not. Just because I'm not a philandering old disgraced relic from the nineties or a black pizza mogul or Sarah Palin doesn't mean I'm boring. People, just get to know this face, because after the deluge of media coverage I'm expecting from my newly unveiled economic plan, the last thing you should expect to hear is that Tim Pawlenty is boring."   "As I'm sure you've already heard, once I'm president, I plan on lowering the top tax rate to 25% and getting rid of the capitol gains tax and interest tax and all of those other annoying little taxes that most of us find so taxing. Heh heh, see, I can make a pun with the best of them. but lets not get sidetracked by our moment of mirth because there's more. I will cut the top rate on businesses from 35% to 15%. Still think I'm boring? Paul Ryan said he would cut the top corporate rate to 25% and everybody's running around like oh my God this is the most exciting thing I've ever heard and I thought 'sounds a little lame to me' so I decided to give the American people some real excitement. I've been around, and I think I know a thing or two about how energized people get over a good corporate tax cut. Booyah, Paul Ryan! I guess we know who the true visionary is around here."   "What's my secret to implementing this without exploding the deficit. I've got an exciting answer for you. I intend to have economic growth of 5% annually as opposed to this anemic little 2% that President Obama is giving us. Honestly, I don't know why the man isn't trying harder. I guess he's satisfied with doing just enough to get by, but that's not good enough for Tim Pawlenty. I want 5% and I want it for ten years in a row. Hey, it's not an impossible dream, because in the dream world anything can happen. There's historical precedent, too. Between 1983 and 1987 we had 4.9% growth. Then between 1996 and 1999 we had 4.7% growth. Add those two together and you've got over seven years where the times were almost as good as what I'm going to give you. That's 70% of the way to my goal! Are those some exciting numbers or what?"   "I'll bet you're psyched, because if you're doing the math along with me you've probably already figured out that after ten years we would have raised nearly four trillion in new tax revenue. That's enough to cut our projected deficit by a heck of a lot! But, unfortunately, not enough. We're going to have to have a lot of cuts, what some folks might be calling a lot of suffering. But is it really suffering? No, it's growing as a nation, and it's an adventure! Maybe the naysayers should spend a few weeks in Minnesota in February sometime and see what real suffering is like. Heh he. That's a little joke at my own expense."   "Anyway, read my plan, and I'm pretty certain it's going to turn you into a Pawlenty patriot. It's really short, just a summary, but there's so many exciting things in there, that you'll be talking about it for days. Like my Google Test, where if you can find a good or service on the internet, you sure as heck don't need for the government to be providing it. And I'm positive that after you investigate my idea to implement the efficiency plan Lean Six Sigma across the government and using performance-based management practices to streamline organizational programs, you'll never hear 'Tim Pawlenty' and 'boring' in the same sentence again. See you the next few days, all over the media."

The Backup Plan

"I'd be more than pleased to tell you what's going on with FOX News, Rupert. Quite frankly it's been a bit of a pain to have to keep you in the dark this way. We just felt that things would be better off if we kept you out of the loop for a while."

You know, Roger, FOX News is my company, so in a sense you work for me. So I don't mind telling you point blank that I want to know just what the hell you're doing with that idiot Sarah Palin.

An idiot, true, but a most useful one. And an idiot who should be waiting in my office right about now. Let's go there now, and I think I can make everything  much clearer to you.

Good evening Mister Murdoch. Mister Ailes, Sarah Palin is waiting for you in your bunker.

She looks familiar to me for some reason.

Apparently she was working for Rahm Emmanuel before he departed for Chicago... Ah, there she is, the girl of the hour. Good to see you, Sarah.

Hi Mister Ailes. Hi Cranky Old Man. I was just thumbing through the Wall Street Journal.

Very good, although I would suggest that you might enjoy it more if you held it right side up.

Oh... You know, I find it more challenging to read it upside down. Specially the stock quotes. Trying to tell all those sixes from nines, and eights from eights.

See, Rupert. She's very, very bright.

Yes I am! My bus tour rocked! All these guys are going around, saying they were gonna run for president, and all anybody wanted was me! I'm gonna do another bus tour!

You shall indeed, Sarah, and FOX will be there to film every minute of it. Now maybe you would like to show Mister Murdoch how well you can dance. I've got 'Papa's Got a Brand New Bag' cued.

My favorite! Whee! She's doin the jerk, she's doin the fly, don't play her cheep cause you know that she ain't shy. She's doin the monkey, the mashed potatoes, jump back jack, gonna see you later alligator... Whee!

That's vaguely disturbing...

But in a good way. Sarah, if you could be a good girl and go sit in the reception room for a few minutes, I need to talk to Mister Murdoch alone.

Okie dokie, they've got donuts out there. But don't keep me waiting too long. Your newspaper doesn't have any comics in it.

...sigh... For years, I dreamed of owning the Wall Street Journal, and I am not going to bespoil it by including Garfield. Are you seriously promoting Sarah Palin for president, Rupert?

I'm still in the room, you nasty old man.

Indeed you are, and... that being the case, perhaps you could clarify something for Mister Murdoch.  Sarah, do you really want to be the president of the United States?

Are you kidding me? That has got to be about the worst gig in the world. Heck, I didn't even like being governor of Alaska.

You see, Rupert, even though I have a master plan and a backup plan, being a person of some not insignificant insecurities, I feel the need to have a backup to my backup plan.

That's me! I'm double redundancy!

I'm a pragmatic man, Rupert. I like Pawlenty but I could live with most any of the GOP candidates. But the more I watch this race play out, the more I worry that a moderate nominee like Tim Pawlenty or Romney would alienate the sizable activist wing on the right. They are our bread and butter, after all, and we must eat...

That's certainly a dynamic that's playing out. I take it that you think you have a plan which could bridge that gap. And I get the feeling that this plan somehow involves Ms Palin.

I'm the secret weapon!

To be kept behind glass and used only in case of emergency and for round the clock exclusive coverage. But if it looks as though a sure loser like Romney is on his way to the nomination, we break that glass and launch Sarah as an independent candidate.

We would certainly be able to get her name on all the state ballots easily enough, but what good would that do? She could never win the presidency.

Could if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

For one thing, she could win certain states that a Romney couldn't win. And more importantly, it would be great television.

A ratings bonanza!

What you end up with, Rupert, is a delightful little scenario where neither candidate would have the delegates to win. And that, my friend, according to the twelfth amendment, means that the election would be decided by the House of Representatives.

I love the twelfth amendment.

I suppose that all makes a certain kind of sense. And it would be great television. The only problem I can see is what would happen if the Republicans did lose the House.

Heh heh... according to the twelfth amendment, it's not members who vote but the states, one vote per state, so even if the GOP does lose the House, there are more little red states than big blue ones.

I really love the twelfth amendment.

So we'll get our guy in the White House, FOX News will be an even more unstoppable powerhouse, and Ms Palin will get all the publicity and attention her little heart desires.

I'll be more famous than God! No disrespect intended, Mister Ailes.