McCain reacts to McChrystal report

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, the US Commander for Afghanistan, today offered the Pentagon a downbeat assessment of American progress in the region, comparing the US military to a matador facing a bull-like Taliban which is weakened only slightly with every cut it receives. "Frankly I don't think that's either a good or useful analogy," said Arizona Senator John McCain. "I prefer to think of our military as the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers playing against Taliban High. Now Taliban High, they've got a scrappy little team and they also have a tendency not to play fair. They always tend to have more than eleven men on the field, for example. And they tell the fans that if they don't cheer for the home team, they'll end up with a missing body part. So those savages definitely have the home team advantage." "But come on, these are the Pittsburgh Steelers they're playing against. It's just a matter of time before they wear Taliban High down, unless we get too many injuries on the field and have to send in rookies. What we need is a hot new quarterback, one that can move us down the field to victory. Not that there's anything wrong with Roethlisberger, but is he really the guy who can beat Taliban High?" McChrystal went on to point out the deteriorating security in Afghanistan, and noted that the Afghan army won't be ready to take a lead for at least three years. The police, he admits, will take even longer. "Longer than three years?" snarled an incredulous McCain. "Well, fuck the police. What sort of flea-bitten brigade are we trying to train up in the first place? I think we need some new blood here. And I'm not talking about the spotty little dribbles of blood that trickle down in some imaginary bullfight. All this talk of bulls and matadors really turns my stomach. They don't even have bullfighting in Afghanistan, and God knows, we don't have it here. What we do have is football, good old all-American NFL football, and the Steelers can beat anybody, even my beloved Arizona Cardinals." "The situation in Afghanistan is serious," McChrystal said, "but success is achievable and demands a revised implementation strategy, commitment and resolve, and increased unity of effort." "What sort of defeatist gobbledygook is that?" bellowed McCain, nearly choking on his Gatorade. "Of course we need a freakin' strategy. Eight years and you're just figuring that out? Read my lips, S-U-R-G-E. There's your strategy, not that convoluted West-coast offense. Forget the quarterback situation, what we need is a new coach. Let me say up front that I'm as proud as anyone to finally have a black coach in the league, but I never recall hearing anything negative about the team when the old coach was still here... Of course we didn't have any standout seasons, either... Christ, it's like we're in the fourth quarter of overtime here... As a matter of fact, forget about the coach situation, what we need is a new owner."

Ronnie's missiles

Diplomatic officials yesterday accused Pakistan of illegally modifying Harpoon antiship missiles that were sold to it by the US way back in the good old days of the Reagan administration. In what Prime minister Yousuf Raza Gilani called 'fantastical recrimination' was a suspicion that Pakistan might have actually altered the weaponry with the sole purpose of arming up against it's archenemy India. "There’s a concerted effort to get these guys to slow down,” said one senior yet strangely anonymous diplomatic official. “Their energies are misdirected. Why Pakistan would choose to up the ante against India, who they've constantly been at war with since 1947... well, I have a hard time understanding. These guys need to be fighting the Taliban. That's why Reagan gave them those missiles in the first place." "I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you on that small point, Mr Hershelstampman," said a second senior anonymous diplomatic from the inner bowels of the State Department. "Oh, I mean excuse me, Mister X. They're really not big on history over at OSD, are they? I mean, over at the office. Anyway, if you recall, Reagan was a real friend to the Taliban, gave them all those weapons and all that moral support. Yes indeedie, Lester, the CIA under old Ronnie even had Osama Bin Laden organizing teams for foreign Muslim fighters. Can't beat that for on the job training, I suppose." "I hardly see what that has to do with whether or not Pakistan should be modifying these missiles," said senior diplomatic official Lester Hershelstampman from OSD. "And it is a serious slander you've tossed my way about our beloved former president, Mr. Harry Benson, and I will mentally file it away. Or possibly, when I'm in the neighborhood I'll stop by your Foggy Bottom office and file it up your ass. Maybe I..." "Boys, boys, please, I must now interrupt, " interrupted Prime Minister Gilani. "I have to strongly protest that the reality is that Pakistan has not modified the Reagan missiles. Those were a very special gift to our nation, and we will never change a thing about them. What your intelligence should have told you is that we've been modifying all the arms we received from the Bush administration. They are really not very good Taliban fighting weapons, and so, as they say, waste not want not. Also too, we really hate India." "This ingrate, this tin-pot dictator, has got some nerve, folks," stormed unrepentant loudmouth Sean Hannity. "After Pakistan has taken billions of taxpayer dollars from the citizens of this nation, this Gilani has the unmitigated gall to imply that Ronald Reagan's weapons were not worth modifying. Wrong wrong wrong. Reagan had the greatest missiles in the world, and these people aren't worthy of modifying them. I'm mad, mad enough to demand that Congress puts a stop to the next several billion in aid, mad enough to organize a town hall of respectful listeners and shout out the message 'Mister Prime Minister, modify Ronnie's rockets!'. "Don't touch Ronnie's rockets! Don't touch Ronnie's rockets!" shouted a mentally-dyslexic mob of angry Hannity listeners as they respectfully exited a town hall hastily organized by the Heritage Foundation. "We have heard the voice of the people, and we are committing to forthright action," said Rep. Jerry Lewis, no not that one, the ranking GOP member of the powerful House Appropriations Committee instead. "We will not let the name of the fortieth president be slandered through a course of partisan inaction, and will introduce legislation to appropriate twelve billion dollars in new funding to help Pakistan modify Ronnie's missiles."

Prepare to have your heart warmed

Phillip Craig Garrido, the convicted rapist who is charged with kidnapping Jaycee Lee Dugard, keeping her locked up for eighteen years in a backyard camp, and fathering her two children, wants you to know that he did a "disgusting thing", but it's alright now, in fact it's better than all right, it's damn near miraculous, and "you are going to be completely impressed'' when you finally get the details from Jaycee Lee. "It's a disgusting thing that took place with me at the beginning,'' Garrido told KCRA TV. "But I turned my life completely around and to be able to understand that, you have to start there. And you're going to find the most powerful story coming from the witness, the victim - you wait. If you take this a step at a time, you're going to fall over backwards and in the end, you're going to find the most powerful heart-warming story." If the Feds will let him have a laptop, maybe he'll give details of this heartwarming story on his blog, Voices Revealed, where he posts under the name TheManWhoSpokeWithHisMind. "The Creator has given me the ability to speak in the tongue of angels in order to provide a wake-up call that will in time include the salvation of the entire world," Garrido writes in the final entry, just two weeks ago. It's fascinating stuff if you're at all interested in mental illness. Same goes for the comment thread, many of which were still being deleted (by the author? really?) as late as yesterday.

Taliban yanking our chain

In today's war news, courtesy of the NYT, we learn that the Afghan military (with plenty of American help, of course, but we like to list the Afghans up top in order to help build their morale) raided a medical clinic in the Sar Hawza district yesterday, and captured a Taliban commander who was wounded in last weeks elections. Hopefully someone threatened with the loss of a purple fingertip decided to use it as a poking implement. Anyway, Commander Mullah Muslim... hey, wait a second, isn't that one of those joke names, like Major Mel Function or Captain Ben Dover? Mullah Muslim, my ass. I can just see the Afghan soldiers trying to keep a straight face as they tell the Americans they've just captured Commander Mullah Muslim. Duplicitous bastards, and now they're developing a sense of humor. I think it's time for us to go...

Our next high value capture?

Joe Jackson livid

Joe Jackson, aging patriarch of America's most famous family, is proclaiming disgust with "the media orgy of over the top coverage for some Senator who wasn't even the King of Pop." "Ted Kennedy wasn't the King of Anything," groused the cranky old tyrant. "Wasn't the King of Swing, wasn't the King of the Senate as far as I can tell, even though some of these so-called news folks make it sound like he was. Wasn't even King of the Kennedy's - that was Papa Joe Kennedy, of course. Papa Joe, just like me. And just like me, he wasn't the most famous Jackson, I mean Kennedy, but it was from his loins that all those other's sprang - John Fitzgerald, Bobby, Tito, and Teddy. And as far as I can tell, Teddy was just an afterthought, much like my youngest Janet. I mean, she's a pretty girl and all, but she was always quite disrespectful to her manager." "Anyway, I turn on my TV last night, and there ain't nothing on but Teddy Kennedy. Ted Kennedy this and Ted Kennedy that, and all this coverage for a man who never even had a hit record. Same thing this morning, right up until 'The Price is Right'. The media is totally obsessed with him. And what about my boy? Poor Michael ain't even in the ground yet, and already the TV is talking about covering this Kennedy funeral. I'm telling you straight up, it just ain't right."

Taliban shakeup

After consistently denying that fearsome leader Baitullah Mehsud was really dead by drone, the Taliban National Committee of Pakistan has moved forward with the a statement saying that it will now have two Grand Poobahs, Hakimullah Mehsud and Waliur Rehman. The announcement came as somewhat of a surprise as Rehman was rumored to have killed Mehsud in a gunfight three weeks ago. "They had a little spat, that's all," said TNC Chairman Michaeluh Steeludi. "That sort of thing happens all the time in every political party, but the Democratic government of Pakistan tried to create a controversy where one didn't exist. That's easy for them to do because they control nearly all of the mainstream media - If you really want to hear the truth, you need to listen to Radio Taliban. At any rate, as a party we're stronger than ever, we still want to attack the West, and Barack Obama is our foremost enemy." Western analysts, such as Water Hutchins of the Brooker Consortium, see the move as a promising development. "I think anytime you have a madman replaced by an mere extremist, it's a positive sign," says Hutchins. "And I think it's important to note that the TNC leadership didn't have anyone at the top levels who was radical enough to fit the bill. That's why they had to go with the two extremists option, with Rehman in charge of Warziristan, and Mehsud basically sitting around with his thumb up his ass. And the other good thing, of course, is that they'll probably just end up killing each other."

Just a little story here which is starting to bubble up from the Nut Roots, one that I'm betting might make it to the big time before long. It's got all the ingredients: National Health Care, FEMA concentration camps, Fascism, and even aborted fetuses. You can call it 'The Plot to Inoculate America'. Conservatives are warning of mandatory Swine Flu vaccinations planned by the Obama administration as part of an effort to "drag Americans kicking and screaming" into the hell of socialized medicine. According to the Vaccine Resistance Movement, the choices facing us are stark. "Either we confront this fraudulent corruption of justice or else bend over backwards and likely die before our time." There can be little doubt that the vaccine, even if it doesn't kill you, will at the very least strike a damning blow to your karma - just look at what's in it. "Aborted baby fetal tissue. Adjuvant Chemical MFJ9 used in the Anthrax vaccine given out to soldiers in Iraq. Insect parts." And the most insidious of all possible ingredients "Kidney parts taken from Cocker Spaniel dogs". Oh no, not chemical MFJ9! But what can you do? "Obama's Dep't of Health rhetoric has recently threatened fines of upwards of $200,000 for anyone refusing the inoculation. Apparently you will be visited door-to-door by a facilitator & police to ensure you take the shot. Quarantines, arrests, Fema detention, massive fines, firings, all to be expected." Door to door shot thugs, probably all on the ACORN payroll. And the sad thing is, if you haven't already voluntarily received your flu shot, after they hold you down and give you that potentially lethal injection, they'll probably throw you in one of those FEMA concentration camps anyway.

one of the good ones

Ted Kennedy, 1932-2009.

wheel me out

From the archives: It's 2005, and the ever youthful Rolling Stones are putting the finishing touches on a new collection...

New Rolling Stones CD Slated for September Left to right: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood A spokesman for the legendary Rolling Stones confirms that the lads are ready to release a new CD in September, their first new studio effort in several years. The disc, entitled 'A Bigger Bang', will be the group's 217th collection. "It's a bloody great record," said legendary lead singer Mick Jagger. "Probably the best thing we've done since, uh... I don't remember. But it will bloody well rock your socks off, and your slippers too." "Heh, heh," said legendary guitarist Keith Richards. "Yeah." The disc, produced by the legendary Don Was, includes the new tracks 'Gas Attack', 'Born to Roll', 'She Gives Me Angina', 'It All Depends', 'Speak Up', 'Gray Sugar', 'Has Anybody Seen My Teeth', 'Street Strolling Man', 'Under My Desk', and seven others too silly to mention.

In order to promote it, they decide to make their first ever appearance on the daytime soap 'Days of our Lives'. We now join the show, already in progress.

"Oh, Shawn, I don't think that I can go on another day like this. Henry is getting suspicious, and he's begun to call me up every half hour..." "Twenty minutes is all we need, Mimi." "But since Samantha started doing crack and little Jimmy fell into the well, I'm afraid of what each new dawning day will bring to light. Sometimes I feel like just ending it all." "Don't talk like that, Mimi. We could run away to Topeka and start a new... Say, what's that racket in the bedroom?" "Racket? What... I don't hear anything." "Of course you must. The entire floor is shaking." "No it's not, Shawn. You must be hearing things." "Don't trifle with me, Mimi. It sounds just like the Rolling Stones." "The who?" "No, the Rolling Stones. I'm going in there right now." "Don't open that door, Shawn. I'm begging you..." "What, ho! Try explaining this, Mimi". "Hey, mate. Mind giving us a little space here?" "Don't you hey mate me, Keith Richards. I demand to know what you're doing in my, uh, my, uh... Mimi's bedroom." "So she's not your wife, then." "You stay out of this, Charlie Watts. I've got a good mind to... What's this? You're wearing my jogging suit! Mimi! You're letting this geezer wear my clothes!" "It's not what it looks like, Shawn. He got pie on his shirt and I didn't think... You shouldn't be leaving your clothes over here in the first place! That's one of the things that's gotten Henry so darn suspicious." "She's got a point, mate. She's not your bird, anyway, so I'd say we have as much business here as you do. Now bugger off." "You want a piece of me, Street Fighting Man?" "All right, lads, let's rumble." POW! OOF! BASH! OUCH! YIIII! OW OW! BAM! KICK KICK! OOOO! CRASH! AIYEEE! "You beasts! You've beaten Shawn into a bloody pulp!" "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay. That's why stunt men make the big bucks." "He's not a stunt man! He's supposed to be my lover! For the next twenty-three episodes!" "Uh... It's right there in the script, idn't it Keith?" "Bottom of page seven." "No it's not!" "I... Isn't this 'The Days of Our Lives'?" "You've got the wrong set, you idiots. This is 'The Young and the Restless'. 'Lives' is filmed in Studio B." "Mmmm." "Bloody 'ell." "So, we'll be off then..." "Somebody call a script doctor."

Joe who?

I regret the heck out of this decision by Attorney General Holder to investigate past CIA activity like that guy with the power drill. And that other guy with the razor wire dildo. Props never hurt anybody and even if they did, nobody's attacked us since 911 and now our brave agents are going to be afraid to even do so much as threaten someone's mama. It's enough to make me sick, and I fear it's enough to make them quit pretending they're going to torture, which is no crime as since it's more akin to acting. The real torturers have already been tortured enough by this constant denigration of their service and I wish to Christ I was still at least a little relevant...

Seniors Health Care Bill of Rights

In a bold move, the Republican National Committee today announced a sweeping new proposal that guarantees old people rights that they already have. Releasing a document entitled "The Seniors' Health Care Bill of Rights", the 'bill' bulletpoints non-issue items in order to make it seem as though they really were issues. Such as: Protect Medicare and not cut it in the name of health care reform Prohibit efforts to ration health care based on age and of course, Prevent government from interfering with end-of-life care discussions GOP Chair Michael Steele was all over it, saying "Republicans believe that protecting America’s seniors and veterans should be the first priority of any reform effort. Particularly our senior veterans, which we vow to doubly protect. Now I know there are mudslingers out there who might point out that just a couple of years ago I was saying that we need to cut Medicare. True enough. At least I said it was on the table, but then so is the sugar bowl. The salt and pepper shakers, they're on the table too. So what? Not to put too fine a point on it, but I also said Social Security was on the table. Not directly on the table, cause there's a nice tablecloth on top. Pork chops on the table? You bet. It's only words, people. You've got to remember, back then I used to be in politics. I was pandering. That's something politicians do. The important thing to keep in mind is the fact that I'm no longer in politics and I'm no longer pandering." "There's going to be other naysayers claiming that all we are guaranteeing are things that seniors already have. Oh yeah? How bout the right to be zestfully clean? Not just clean but zestfully clean. And there's our new effort to prevent government from interfering with end-of-teeth discussions. You go to the dentist, you don't want the government coming in and saying you need to have all your teeth pulled just because it's cheaper than fixing them. Because that's what will happen after they start rationing dental care. But if you do have them all pulled out, the Republican Party wants to make sure you get a nice pair of choppers. You leave it up to Obamacare, they'd just as soon see you gumming your food."

Incongruous statement of the Month

Chris Wallace, on FOX News Sunday, discussing the Veteran Administration's 'Death Book'

"Usually people don't even ponder end-of-life until they're in an irreversible coma".

contrarian johns

Paying close attention to President Obama's drop in popularity among liberals and moderates, the Coalition for Contrarian Republicans has taken a radically new contrarian position by calling for party members to 'cut the president a little slack'. "I wasn't for the name Coalition for Contrarian Republicans," said ridiculous Senator John 'Leland' Ensign of Nevada. "Our acronym is the same as Creedence Clearwater Revival, and I, for one, am a fortunate son. No, me, I preferred CCJ, the Coalition for Contrarian Johns, because after all, you do have to be named John to be a member. And besides..." "Shut up, John, you're giving away too many of our secrets," shouted Senator John Cornyn of Texas. "Besides, you're on probation for being more ridiculous than called for in the line of duty. But basically, yeah, we're saying that Barack Obama isn't such a bad guy after all, at least for a Democrat. Or actually, I should say, at least for a president. He's certainly more accommodating than the last few guys. I actually have had a beer with Obama, not just wanted to. Go figure. With this health care brouhaha, he's given us all the time we need with our constituents to raise holy hell about his Socialist agenda, and those nuts are about as excited as they've been in years... Of course, these have been a sorry few years... particularly with that numbnuts Bush... and then for some reason old Johnny Mac here got the nod last fall. I'll bet he wouldn't have even bailed our busted banking buddies... So things could have been worse." "You wanna see worse, come on down to the House and look around," said Minority Leader John Boehner. "We've got the real radicals down there, left of Mao. I'll take a dozen Obamas over one Pelosi or Frank. Take this health care legislation. You know, me and the rest of the guys weren't going to vote for that, just on contrarian principles, but the truth is, the bill is going to be right up the alley of our sponsors in the insurance and pharma lobbies. Now we've got to deal with these left-wing loonies who are threatening to vote against the package if it doesn't have the public option... I sure hope Obama can whip these guys into line, otherwise we're going to be duty bound to cross over and vote for this thing. Boy, I'll bet that would be more than a little hard to explain to our base." "Screw em, where else they gonna go?" interjected ludicrous John Ensign, momentarily making sense before descending back into pure gibberish. "We just distract them with the Cap and Trade concentration camps. You know those little cameras they put in all of the government mandated thermostats? Well, neither do I, but we just tell..." "Shut up, John, and let another John get a word in edgewise," said John McCain. "National defense has always been the most important issue, and the president needs our support while we're in the middle of a war. It's not Obama's fault the Bush sold us out in Iraq before we were able to accomplish everything the oil lobby was asking for, and for all his rhetoric, he's taking his sweet time in pulling out. Afghanistan, on the other hand, is going full steam ahead, and with any luck we'll be in Pakistan before too long. I mean, be there officially. And let me respond to Senator Cornyn. You're right, if I had been elected, I probably wouldn't have bailed out our corporate overlords on Wall Street. I guess I'm a real hothead sometimes. Yeah, things could have been a whole lot worse." "Yep, strong on the military, and let's not forget national security," added Senator David Vitter, who is technically a john. "A couple more weeks and we'll be able to say that Obama kept the country safe at least as long as Bush did." "But if we do get hit, it's because he's a secret Muslim," said Ensign, desperately seeking attention. "You know, as I travel around my state, I find that the people are just now starting to wake up to the fact that we've got a colored guy as chief executive. I don't care where he was born, I..." "Shut up, John," mumbled Johnny Isakson, the unusually low-key senator from Georgia."

driller killer

I guess what my mom used to say was right.
These movies can really fuck up your head.

best friends

"Maybe one of the hard things is to convince some of our Jewish friends that Evangelicals are the best friends they've got - because I think generally, that's the case." Appearing on the Christian Broadcasting Network, retired pea-picker Mike Huckabee yesterday made the case that American Jews were just not Jewey enough. "One of the things I find most interesting," Huckabee told host Chris Mitchell, "is that generally Evangelicals are so much more supportive of Israel than the American Jewish community. I mean, by and large, we really love us some Jews. Most people don't know that, but it's a fact." Huckabee took pains to point out that the Jews that Evangelicals liked the best were Jews that stayed in Israel. "That's where all the good authentic Jews are. My mama used to say that you don't order fried chicken in a Chinese restaurant, and for years I wondered what she meant. But then when I got older and saw a little more of the world, I visited a Chinese restaurant and found out that what she told me was quite literally true. And that's the way it is with Jews." "Years ago, Jackie Mason came to Arkansas for a Performing Arts festival in Little Rock and it caused quite a scandal. For one thing, he couldn't play the banjo. And he told all these stories, very off color. But we didn't know that at the time, because he used a lot of words that we didn't understand. Yiddish words. The festival was cancelled right after his performance, and the organizers were run out of town." "My point is that most Evangelicals don't even realize that the people that live in Israel are Jews. We call them Israelites, which is much more accurate, and we support them whole-heartedly because until they fulfill their destiny, you can just forget about any Second Coming." "The American Jewish community, well, the name says it all. It's the difference between Barney Frank and Jesus Christ. They're slackers. They're in America, not over in Israel where they can help fulfill Biblical prophesy. That's why we act a little hostile to them sometimes. It's nothing personal, they need to get with the program, that's all."

Yer Friday Funk

Trouble Funk - "Still Smokin"


Complete Friday Funk

The Thinker

Tom Ridge feels his personal threat level moving up to orange Hey boys and girls, guess who's got a new tell-all book coming out in September? You're right, it's one of those guys in the picture. The one who's not French. And while it's doubtful that he tells all, Tom Ridge, the first ever director of Homeland Security, apparently does tell enough to make one wonder why he wasn't hated earlier, stronger, and more vociferously. The good news is that we can now despise him fully in retrospect. The book is titled 'The Test of Our Times: America Under Siege...and How We Can Be Safe Again', and it's intended to shake up our "public complacency" about security by telling us that he never knew what the fuck was going on and even if he did, he was powerless to do anything about it. Of special interest is the tidbit about how he was pressured to raise the security threat level right before the 2004 presidential election. Tom wants you to know that he thought this was wrong. He thought this move was politically motivated. Good thinking, Tom! I'll bet you that when the book come out, we'll find out that he even thought about speaking out. You never can tell what might cross a thinking man's mind. Now you might wonder why Ridge thought these things rather than knew them. Good question, but one with an easy answer. He didn't know because as director of Homeland Security, he was never allowed to attend the National Security Council meetings. He must have thought that was weird. A little late and a little counterintuitive for you to be telling us how we can be safe again, Tom, particularly when we now know that your true expertise didn't go much further than making colorful PowerPoint charts. But thank you for revealing what a midget of a man you really were. That's something for you to think about.

trend lines

It's always good to have a talking point, even if there is no real 'point' to it, since otherwise it become apparent that you're just jabbering away for the noise value, and worse, failing to see the crux behind the verbiage. The latest hot topic animating the jowls of serious conservatives (these are the ones, like Buchanan and Krauthammer, who chuckle at the teabaggers and consider the TownHallers little more than useful idiots) is the decline in public approval of the Democratic party. Indeed, before I cropped it, the Pew Research chart below was labeled 'Democratic Party Favorability Falls Sharply'. What a difference that small edit makes. Please understand how to read this chart. It is not a composite - you don't add the two lines together and come up with a hundred. In the context of a well functioning two party system - where a term like 'loyal opposition' didn't ooze sarcasm - you might see both lines trending toward the eighties. This chart shows that a majority of those polled don't like anything on the table. And to tell you the truth, I think it trends unrealistically high due to some respondents confusing party loyalty with approval, a suspicion born out by that uptick during the height of the 08 election. What Krauthammer and Buchanan probably see but don't verbalize is the fact that this is not a zero sum game. Bad news for the Democrats does not mean good news for the flat-lined Republicans, but it does signal a strong and clear opening for third parties, and it sure as hell adds fuel to the fire that burns in the hearts of all the crazies who live amongst us.

The Ramones - I'm Against It

The legendary Twin Peaks episode with John Ensign (and he can speak backwards, too)

"I haven't done anything legally wrong. President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people."

John Ensign, before he discovered his soul had prematurely left his body and his hair turned gray, still feeling quite comfortable with the stick up his ass.


John Ensign, older, wiser, grayer, and enjoying the heck out of that stick.

incongruous statement of the week

Michelle Bachman to Sean Hannity:

"You have the most intelligent audience in the world, and they'll do anything you tell them to do."

Beck gets bigger

A spokesman for the 'Glenn Beck Show' says that the FOX News personality is making a rapid turnaround following a week in which a boycott of the show resulted in loss of several advertisers, including GEICO, Proctor & Gamble, Healthy Choice, Sargento, and Progressive Insurance. "All the boycott did was clear the path for new advertisers," said Beck's producer Richard Head. "As of Friday, we've signed new contracts with Slim-Fast, Snuggie, and Jermaine's Steak N Tater. And probably at least one other big name, which I'm not yet at liberty to mention." Head is believed to be referring to ExtenZe, a potentially lucrative sponsorship, but one that would require Beck to deliver the commercial live. - Advertising Week "...and that's exactly what I mean when I say that anyone who exceeds the maximum body weight mandated by the Fat Panels will be left to die like a beached whale by the Obamacare Health Plan. As opposed to the taxpayer financed bailouts for the banks, a lot of these so-called obese Americans will be deemed big enough to fail." "Now while we're on the topic of too big to fail, I'd like to welcome a brand new sponsor to the Glenn Beck Show - ExtenZe, the all natural male enhancement. You know, for months now I've been watching these commercials for ExtenZe, a simple pill that can actually make men larger and increase pleasure and performance regardless of age. And oddly enough, I've been seeing them while monitoring MSNBC to catalogue the propaganda. To be honest, these commercials are about the only thing believable on that network." "I've particularly been seeing ExtenZe advertise on the Rachel Maddow show, which at first blush didn't make any sense at all to me. Her 'chat show' hardly seems to be a natural showcase, because ExtenZe promises to increase the size of what doctors call 'that certain part of the male body'. Please note the use of the word 'male', Ms Maddow." "Yes, friends, we're talking about the male ego. At least I think that's what we're talking about, although my producer is standing over to the side right now trying to hide what appears to be an enormous guffaw. Perhaps he's laughing because he doesn't believe that a simple pill taken twice a day could increase the size of my already more than adequate ego. This is the same man who laughed when I said I could pull better ratings than Bill O'Reilly. Who's laughing now, Dick? No one even talks about O'Whatsizname anymore. It's all about Rush, Hannity, and me, and quite frankly, it seems like the buzz about Hannity has gone pretty flaccid, while my popularity continues to swell and harden." "Quit snickering, Mr. Head, I'm trying to read a commercial, and you're interfering with my performance. Of course that shouldn't be a problem much longer now that I'm taking the revolutionary all natural male enhancer ExtenZe, which guarantees that my performance is going to become even more exciting and satisfying. Although, I suppose that just applies to my perception of it, so to get the full measure of pleasure from that 'certain part of my body', you guys are going to want to try ExtenZe for yourself. Sorry ladies, maybe they'll invent something for your pleasure later on." "Listen folks, I've only been taking ExtenZe for three days, and my ego has already swollen by at least twenty-five percent. Now I really don't care about being larger, although performing better, that could really be fun."

End the Tyranny!

Yes! Dick Armey is now calling Medicare tyranny, and asked on Meet the Press ""Why do they not let people who don't want to be in, out?" Right on, Dick, and I think you've just proposed a fine solution to a number of problems, as well as shown the golden path to a public option for Health Care. All we have to do is provide the public option for whoever wants it and drop all talk of individual mandates. We should also drop all requirements for hospitals to provide emergency medical care to any Dick that happens to arrive without insurance, because what the hell, that's a form of tyranny too. Of course, once the public option goes into effect, it has to be able to compete in the marketplace, so forget about trying to sign up after something goes suddenly and terribly wrong. Can't be gaming the system, and you wouldn't want the rest of us footing your bills anyway, would you? Opt out of Medicare? Hell, yeah! But don't be so timid, buddy, opt out of Social Security as well. And if life ends up dealing you a bad hand, you can always beg for the kindness of strangers or die in the gutter, the way the Founding Fathers intended you to.

oh, my heart

Jeez, I've got to start reading a little more carefully. For a moment there, I thought I was six degrees away from nothingness.

President Obama's visit to Yellowstone Park was marred by violence today as the earth itself opened up and eight thousand gallons of angry boiling water were spewed heavenward. The eruption could have caused severe injury or even death to the First Family had they been standing just a few hundred yards closer. Conservatives, while not condoning the incident, said that it was all too predictable given the current political climate. "The American people are angry," Twittered Alaskan fish-wife Sarah Palin, "and God too, who's about as American as you can get. The very soil itself does not want to be turned into Socialist land." "Oh, that's pretty good," Obama said of the eruption in that interminably condescending way of his. "Cool. Look at that. That's a geyser there." "It is beyond the pale that President Obama would resort to this type of name calling," Palin said in a follow-up Twitter. "We are not geysers. We are American patriots who intend to take our country back."

Yer Friday Funk

Malcolm McClaren with the Bootzilla Orchestra - 'Waltz Darling'

Complete Friday Funk

Barton Gellman Comix

Hello, I'm Barton Gellman, special projects reporter for the Washington Post, and author of the Pulitzer Prize winning book 'Angler: The Cheney Vice Presidency'. You know, I have no idea why they always photograph me with the top of my head cropped off. Go ahead and Google me - you'll see that it's true. It's not as though I was bald, like a certain ex-Vice President that I'll refrain from mentioning. I have a fine head of hair. Go ahead, Google my barber Floyd Winston, he's probably got something about it on his Facebook page. Anyway, I hope you read my front page piece of today's Post. It's a fascinating look inside of the mind of a man I like to call...

...former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Hi, it's me again, Barton Gellman, just a different picture, that's all. This is the one they use in the Post. It makes me look a lot younger, but they still cut the top of my head off. And I really do have pretty nice hair, take my word for it. Or check my girlfriend's blog, she's got a picture of me on there somewhere. Anyway, about my story, in it I reveal that former Vice President Dick Cheney is not really the lovable old coot that he pretended to be in office, but is, in fact, a vindictive, paranoid, black-hearted prick. It's true. And who knew? Well, you would have, for one, if you had read 'Angler: The Cheney Vice Presidency', which is now out of print. But fortunately, the paperback is coming out on August 25th, and is now available for pre-order at Amazon. In it, you'll find a remarkable glimpse inside of the soul of the man I call...

...former Vice President Dick Cheney.

This is my picture from the back jacket of 'Angler: The Cheney Vice Presidency'. You might think that for the cover of a prize winning book, they could at least capture the back of my head, but no. In Penguin's defense, though, there's no way they could have known that I was going to win the Pulitzer when they first published it. Still, there were much better photos from the shoot. Just Google 'Penguin Publishing author photo outtakes' and I'll bet you find them. Anyway, regarding today's front page feature in the Washington Post, you probably want the 411. Here it is. Dick Cheney is such a self-serving, disloyal, ego-centric bastard that he plans on writing about his personal philosophical disagreements with former president George W Bush. Or at least that's the impression he gives. According to Stephen Hayes, his authorized biographer, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that 'the statute of limitations has expired' on many of his secrets. Here's a dramatization of Cheney on the phone with Hayes accompanied by his real words.

"When the president made decisions that I didn't agree with, I still supported him and didn't go out and undercut him. Now we're talking about after we've left office. I have strong feelings about what happened. And I don't have any reason not to forthrightly express those views."

Wow! Check it out! While you were reading that astounding quote from former Vice President Dick Cheney, I was Googling myself ,and I found a picture without the top of my head cropped off. Okay, I know that it's a little old, but it should give you a pretty good general idea. And at least you've got to admit that I look better than the guy I call...

...former Vice President Dick Cheney, bald-headed son of a bitch.

Rose and Fred

Large new fears on health reform

A hefty new wave of fear and protests broke out today in the debate over health care, as rumors spread overnight that proposed legislation would deny treatment to the obese. The reaction was apparently triggered by a remark made by President Obama at a Town Hall meeting where he stated that one of his priorities was "cutting the fat out of health care". 'Hang his skinny ass' read one of the many signs that lined the streets outside of a Town Hall held by Congressman Adam Schiff. 'Obama hates fat people - Hitler did too' ready another, a reference to The Führer's infamous plan to exterminate the overweight just as soon as he was finished with the Jews. "Why do they wanna kill my Thelma Jean?" shouted one portly gentleman at a Town Hall meeting held by Republican Chuck Grassley. The Senator looked on in puzzled silence until the man added "Thelma Jean is fatter than a tick on a bloodhound". "Well, you've just answered your own question," replied Grassley. "You might just as well ask why the Democrat Party wants to pull the plug on grandma. Because she's there, that's why. Just look at those people; Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, all skinny as rails. Of course, I am too, so I guess I don't have anything to worry about right now. But you, sir, might be wise to check out Nutrisystem pronto." The latest charge of deadly intentions was further fueled this afternoon on Rush Limbaugh's radio show, when the still corpulent host claimed that he was furiously dieting "only because I knew this day was soon to come, and I wanted to be able to stick around long enough to lead the Republican Party back into the wilderness."

for what it's worth

msnbc.com

This is an interesting piece of video I saw a couple of hours ago on the Dylan Ratigan show. Yesterday's Town Hall with Arlen Specter had some interesting moments... One that you might have seen involved a disturbance of sorts with a man named Craig Miller who gets up in Specter's face and has a few words about trampling the constitution. He's already one of the right's new freedom fighters.

Here he is today, with a few minutes to explain his agenda. It's a task he's clearly not up to. To put it kindly, the man is addled. Obama took his oath twice, and has already broken it by - among other things - having 31 Czars. Yada yada yada.

Yeah, free speech all around, coherence be damned.

from the marchives...

Tom Sizemore in Phony Pecker Scandal LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actor Tom Sizemore has been jailed for violating his probation by failing a drug test after he was caught trying to use a prosthetic penis to fake the results, a Los Angeles County prosecutor said on Friday. "Hold up, Mister Sizemore, something's a bit fishy here". "What? What's the problem?" "Urine trouble... Heh heh. Little pee humor, there. But it's true, all the same. I'm afraid I'm going to have to bust you. You've just violated the terms of your parole". "What? I just gave you that sample. You haven't even tested it yet". "Bit cold, isn't it?" "Can't be cold. I just put in a new heat pack. I mean, uh... I mean... Come on, Cut me a little slack, will you? It's real". "I'd have a hard time believing that, Mister Sizemore. You seem to have left your dong in the water closet". "I did n... Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gotten high before I came here". "Bad move, that. I knew right away something was amiss when I saw you'd lost your Johnny". "Look. Here's a twenty. And there's more where that came from when I finish my new movie". "A bribe? Oh no, I'm afraid I couldn't accept that. I could lose my job, and being a urine inspector is the best work I've ever had". "Sixty-three bucks. It's all I've got on me". "Mind if I ask you what the make is on that member? It's surprisingly lifelike". "It's a, uh, Whizzinator. Listen, I've got my bank card, we could just take a walk down to the closest ATM...". "A Whizzinator, is it? What on earth will they think of next. Well, come along now. We've got to get you locked up". "Okay, okay. Just promise me one thing. Don't let any of this leak to the press". "Leak to the press? Good one, Mister Sizemore".

Things I'm not awaiting with bated breath...

The Bob Dylan Christmas disk, with covers of 'I'll Be Home For Christmas', 'Little Town of Bethlehem', and 'Here Comes Santa Clause'. Featuring David Hidalgo, for those of you who like copious accordion with your Christmas fare.

Primary heats up

"There is no gun aimed at Hakimullah's head." The New York Times is reporting that Taliban kingpen Hakimullah Mehsud has been killed in a gunfight with Waliur Rehman, another Taliban up-and-comer. The two nutballs were meeting to decide which of them would assume leadership of the radical organization following Baitullah Mehsud's death by drone last week in Pakistan. Rehman, who was also wounded in the fight, apparently wins by default. But not so fast. Sirajuddin Haqqani, a good friend of Afghanistan's Muhammad Omar, has also expressed interest in the gig, and feels he may have some special qualifications. "For one thing, I am smart enough to stay away from gunfights with religious fanatics. And let me say a little something about Waliur Rehman - the man is a cold blooded murderer. This was not just some ordinary infidel he shot, this was a Taliban brother. I think it would send the wrong kind of message to put Rehman in charge, so I am hereby declaring myself to be the Grand Poobah of the Taliban." But not so fast. The London Times is reporting that someone identifying himself as Hakimullah Mehsud is calling up media outlets claiming that Baitullah Mehsud is still alive. Furthermore, the Times is reporting that Reuters is reporting that one of their reporters is reporting that he spoke to Waliur Rehman, who reportedly told them that all of the reports are a pack of lies. “There are no differences," Rehman supposedly said. "There was no fighting. We both are alive, and there was no special shura meeting. So I have got a little straight talk for the media. Because as much as I hate it, you have still got your despicable freedom of the press. And that is why our troops are willing to die attempting to kill you. So, how about, in honor of the Taliban soldiers, you quit making things up."

Trig safe (for now)

Dr Herbert West, Barack Obama's choice to lead the Death Panel under the new socialized Nazi health care program, today denied the accusation from Alaskan fish-wife Sarah Palin that there were plans to kill her son Trig. "It's called the Death Panel because we're trying to prevent death, not cause it, okay?" said West, obviously perturbed by the accusation. "I mean, what the hell, do you think the Cancer Research Foundation is trying to figure out new ways to give people cancer? Get a clue, lady, buy a vowel." "First of all, you used to be a politician, so I'm assuming you still have some connections, which means you're probably never going to have to go in front of the Death Panel like some sort of ordinary citizen would." "Second, you're in Alaska. You want to talk about rationing health care? You red-staters aren't ever going to get any of our precious government health care, although you will get taxed out the wazoo to pay for it. After all, there's a whole lot of border-jumping Mexican babes in need of breast augmentation." "And finally - duh - your son is already born, so as far as the Death Panel is concerned, his living or dying is a moot point, at least until he's old and becomes a drag on society. So quit making stuff up, why doncha."

Thank you, Willard...

Seriously, Big Guy, you're too kind...

Yer Friday Funk

James Brown - 'Too Funky in Here'

Complete Friday Funk

Ford premiers new ad campaign

pic from here Meet the Joneses. Frannie, Bob, and little Timmy. Perhaps you've already inadvertently met them. After all, they do live in your neighborhood. Down at the end of the street in the dilapidated split-level where their beloved beagles Homer and Jethro, tied to a stake in the discolored lawn, serenade neighbors from dusk untill dawn. The only homeowners to hold out when your comfortable Spring Gardens development was built. The Joneses wouldn't sell for a cool quarter million, even though their aging home wasn't worth half that much. Since their picnic table collapsed and now rots away in the yard, the Joneses eat their cold sandwiches on a blanket on the ground, glaring at anyone who passes them on the street. Frannie works at Big Lots, or so you've heard, and Bob, well, who knows what Bob does? Other than slowly drive by your home at least ten times a day. Because, you see, Bob and Frannie have something that you don't have. A brand new automobile. Last Thursday Bob and Frannie took their rusted out pink Chevy down to their local Ford dealer and emerged with a sparkling new 2010 Ford Focus. The government gave them $3500 for their old jalopy, and we gave them the hottest new car in America. With 24 mpg city and 35 mpg highway, they can afford to cruise by your home all day long. Maybe, unlike Bob and Frannie, you don't have a clunker to trade in. But you still have one thing - your pride. In today's fast paced world, it's more important than ever to not just keep up with the Joneses but to make them eat your dust. And when you come in to your local Ford dealer, we can show you a wide array of quality new vehicles that are vastly more impressive than the stripped down Focus we sold to the Joneses. So come in today. Wipe that smug look off the Joneses face.

Mobs angry about being called angry mobs

The National Association of Disgruntled Americans today released a statement condemning the growing use of the derogatory phrase 'angry mobs' to describe their members. "The Nazis in the mainstream media are always trying to paint us in a negative light," said NADA spokesman Elmer Frank. "They'd like to trample all over our God-given first amendment rights of free assembly, free speech and freedom to mix our metaphors. Well I've got some news to report to all the brownshirts in their blue suits; we can gather anywhere we want as long as we pay the cover charge. And we can yell anything we want to say as along as it's not one of the seven dirty words listed in the Constitution." "It makes me so furious that I can hear smoke coming out of my ears," fumes Frank. "Obama is spending taxpayer money to buy cupcakes for an old Arab media hag and they call us angry mobs. I'd like to take a hardball and squish it right into Chris Mathews face like a grapefruit. You know who Chris Mathews is, don't you? A mainstream media guy, that's what. I heard about him on Hannity, he was blubbering around like a whale and calling NADA members an unruly mob. See, they can't even keep their talking points straight. One moment we're angry and the next time we're unruly." "Let's spend a few minutes to talk about the liberals for a second. They're the ones who are an angry mob, because they can't stand to hear the truth when it hits them in the face. We're out there trying to save our country from the extremists who have taken over the government and they're trying to come up with ways to disrupt us into silence. And the truth is you can't have a meaningful dialogue without breaking a few eggs, so you can just forget about having your cake and letting them eat it. Like Barry Goldfinger once said, extremism in the defense of liberty is so nice, and modulation in the pursuit of justice is no problem."

free slices

Joker

Senate Democrats, sharing a birthday lunch today with President Obama, got a special treat along with their dessert - their own high quality print of the Obama/Joker poster which has been popping up on walls in Los Angeles for the past couple days. "I'm having it framed," said Senator Dick Durbin, who asked for the president's autograph on his print. "This is a really fun poster that would go great in my rec room. We all laughed like hyenas when the president showed it to us and asked 'How do you like me now?' What a joker." "Michelle gave it to me last night, and I put in a rush order to have these printed," said the birthday boy. "I always wondered what I'd look like in whiteface, and I've got to say - not too shabby." "What I like most," Obama continued, "is that in the movie, the Joker is the interesting one, not Batman. Sure, the Joker is a little chaotic, but he gets things done. Batman, on the other hand, is a deranged fascist who only pretends to be fighting for truth and justice. He's just not a fun character at all. I mean, which one of those guys would you rather have a beer with? No contest, commissioner Boehner."

Mahmoud's ceremony a bust

With all of the recent unpleasantness happening the past few weeks in Iran, it was expected that some of his opponents might not show up for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's formal endorsement ceremony, and those expectations were not dashed. What was not foreseen, however, was the possibility that virtually all of his detractors, reluctant peers, and people who just don't care a lot for him would also choose to skip the event, leaving the main banquet room in the Tehran Hilton virtually empty. "I sent out all the invitations nearly two weeks ago, and a RSVP was mandatory," complained Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "Now what in the blazes am I supposed to do with all this baked chicken?" Khamenei blamed the poor attention on yesterday's decision to televise the trials of guilty reformers during prime time. "No doubt, it was riveting television, but the show went way over schedule. I imagine that most of the invitees to the endorsement ceremony watched the entire thing and were just too tired for a big night out. For this, Mahmoud must take responsibility, for he is the one who suggested that starting the trials on Sunday would make a dynamite kick-off for his party. Would he listen to his loyal supporter and Supreme Leader? No, not Mahmoud. I tell you, the man is bullheaded. I swear to Allah, if it were not my solemn duty, I would not have attended myself." As a matter of fact, Khamenei did leave before the traditional 'Presenting of the Bribes' which was a complete embarrassment, leaving Ahmadinejad nearly empty handed. The only person to show up with a gift was reviled writer Salman Rushdie, who presented the president with a new laptop. "Boy, was that ever awkward," reflected Mahmoud. "On the one hand, Iran has a fatwā on his blasphemous head; on the other hand, it was a MacBook Pro. So I told him I would see if I could work something out."

the truth about Obama

What a dupe I was, believing all of the mainstream media's lies, thinking that it can't happen here... But now I've seen the irrefutable truth, Obama's actual Kenyan birth certificate. Go ahead, look for yourself. I examined a lot of Kenyan birth certificates during my days as a Department of Immigration document specialist, and take my word, this is the real deal.

It's already started, 'authorities' claiming that this is a forgery, but take a close look at the seal. That particular seal was unique to Coast Province in Kenya, and was used only from March 1961 until September of that year when it was replaced by a seal with a serrated edge. Need more proof? See the box for MOTHER, where there appears to be a stain on the word 'Maiden'? That stain comes from a chuluba, which is a pastry made in the Kannyadhiang village near Mombasa - Obama's true birth place.

And get this - Orly Taitz's blog, which broke the story that the mainstream media so badly wants to bury, is now being blocked by most browsers, which are reporting that the "Site is listed as suspicious - visiting this web site may harm your computer."

You can only keep the truth hidden for so long before it leaks out, and the truth shall set us free

Strike!

That was no earthquake you heard this morning rumbling through the streets of Sacramento, it was the sound of a state trembling, as California's largest government union voted to walk off the job at some future date if they really felt like it. "There is no strike planned at this time," said union spokesman Jim Zamora, who represents 95,000 secretaries, nurses, custodial workers, computer specialists and other sundry state workers. "But that doesn't mean we won't strike later. Why, we could strike at a moments notice, and there's not a darn thing Schwarzenegger could do about it. Except not pay us. Which might make him happy, the bastard. Well, we're wise to him and we're not going to strike unless we darn well feel like it." "Me, I really feel like striking right about now," said Amanda Mitchell, an administrative assistant in Oakland. "Of course it's Sunday, so it's hard to tell what I'll feel like tomorrow. I'll probably feel a little hungover, so I might not want to get into a big scene right away. But, Tuesday, who knows? I mean, I'm already getting furloughed three days a month, which is like a 14% pay cut, so if I went on strike, I'd only be losing another 86%, which isn't so bad unless you think about it." "Strike? Are you crazy?" asks Mitchell's roommate Roxanne, a non-state nail technician. "It's the first of August, Mandy, they're probably gonna want you to march around with a picket sign in the hot sun. You shouldn't even think about striking before October. Hey, and with Suzie pregnant, by then I might be able to get you a part time at Pinkies." Although the state worker's union has never gone on strike before, they have taken other drastic actions, such as all taking their fifteen minute break at the very same time. "Oh, that was so cool when we did that," reminisces Mitchell. "Everybody went outside and we were smoking and laughing and like 'I bet old man Beasley has to answer his own phone' and 'Who's gonna type up that urgent memo now?' Yeah... But then we saw him pull out of the garage and found out he had taken the rest of the afternoon off."

go tweet yourself

Really, I've been on the road and out of town since early morn, so I can't really be faulted for not knowing what's been going on in the world of celebrity gossip for the past twelve hours, but if I had grabbed a few moments with Twitter I would have already heard all the rumors about the Sarah Palin divorce, because the story has "been all over Twitter today, with dozens of Palin tweets per minute, and at one point it was trending"(!!) [emphasis added], according to a news(?) site known as breaking tweets which translates 140 character into 140 words for those who need just a little more detail.

And then I guess I should have gone over to Palin's facebook page and read the latest update from her spokesman saying that the rumors are totally bogus, and yes, the media needs to quit makin stuff up!

Yada yada yada, who cares, aside from the comedic possibilities human interest angle, but I've got to laugh at the ridiculousness of supposedly grown-up politicians responding to and communicating through the technological equivalents of a Captain Midnight decoder ring.