click for the sounds, stay for the sights

Terrific! Tom Waits & Kool Keith - 'Spacious Thoughts'

Whores cancel King

Michaele and Tareq, perhaps the very brightest jewels in the fabulous Whore family, are feeling rather miffed tonight, and not without a goddamn good reason too."It's absurd what is happening to this couple," said the Whore's spokesperson, the ultra-fabulous Mahogany Jones. "At the moment, the Whores are the most famous couple in America, and yet, they have been unable to score a mid-six-figure deal to tell their story, which is just about the most interesting story you've ever heard this week. Balloon Boy was just a blip on the radar by comparison, but the Whores are the real thing, and let me assure you, the Whores expect to be paid." "There's not much more to say except than it's a mystery to me," said  truth-in-labeling 'King of Talk Television' Larry King. The Whores have cancelled a Monday night appearance on King's Pulitzer Prize winning show, causing the host to become more befuddled than he has been in weeks. "I would have paid the Whores in a heartbeat if it was up to me, but unfortunately it is not up to me." "I'll admit that my mouth fell open when I heard the amount that the Whores wanted," continued King, a man not unaccustomed to having his mouth fall open, "But after all, these are the Whores, and you shouldn't expect the Whores to come cheap. I sadly admit that I work for a network which purports to be a 'news outlet', and they refuse to pay for the very thing that they claim as their currency. That's crazy, I'll admit as much, but as long as they keep paying for The King, I'll keep my trap shut about it. Unless, that is, someone wants to pay me for an interview." "I'm not sorry for myself, I'm sorry for my country," said King, not revealing the sorrow which lurked deep within his heart. "I suppose that without me, America will never get to hear the intriguing true story of the Whores. Well, nobody except for the fortunate few who get the E! Network. And after that, I suppose CNN will report it too, since at that point it will officially be news. But it will be old news, no longer the most interesting story you've heard this week. Ah, well, I've had a long career, so I guess I'll just say 'so much for the Whores'.  And fortunately, at the last moment, I was able to book the greatest American Idol ever, Kelly Clarkson, who will be with us the full hour to discuss why Obama should dump Tim Geithner as Treasury Secretary."

He, She, It, whatever...

I am Iron Son of Man

"God works in his or her own way, in person, as opposed
to on a toaster, or a cinnamon roll or a Frito, or whatever.
But then, God does what it wants.’’ - Rev. Thomas Keyes

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed readies defense

so close to news

FOX News is just now learning news of a horrible accident involving golf legend Tiger Woods. At 2:25 last night, when most normal people should have been sound asleep, the thirty-three year old PGA star rammed his 2009 Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant, after which he rammed it into a tree, and then into God knows what else. His injuries are said to be serious, although at this time, FOX News does not have sufficient information to call them life threatening. While the Florida Highway Patrol has ruled out the use of alcohol in this bizarre story, they have thus far not commented on the possible role that drugs may have played. Stay tuned for updates.

FOX News is now able to say conclusively that the injuries sustained by possibly hopped-up PGA golfing legend Tiger Woods are indeed life threatening, as, according to unconfirmed sources, he has just died. A toxicology exam has not yet been performed, but FOX News will be bringing you important updates as they happen. Stay tuned for our special coverage, which will replace the regularly scheduled O'Reilly Factor, and probably run for most of the weekend.

FOX News has just learned that the world of sports was the subject of a massive hoax earlier today, and that thirty-three year old golf legend Tiger Woods is not only no longer dead, but that he has been released from the hospital with only minor cuts and scratches. Our sources tell us that these 'ouchies' may yet prove to be inconsistent with the type of trauma usually associated with trees and fire hydrants. FOX News has received no official word as to what drugs Woods may or not have been on at the time of the hoax. Stay tuned to FOX News for updates.

the man from another place

"I've got good news. That gum you like is going to come back in style." "Oh, really? The Nicorette Spearmint? That's excellent news, General, the best I've heard all month. Which I guess, all in all, is a pretty sad commentary on my month." ".retteb eb lliw htnom txen ebyaM .riS ,taht raeh ot etah I" "Don't do that, General. It kind of freaks me out when you start talking backwards..." "Sorry, Mr. President. It's a old counterinsurgency tactic we've been using in Afghanistan. Freaks out the Taliban as well. But, uh, you wouldn't know anything about that would you?" "No." "Good." "But I'm thinking that it's probably not a very effective tactic. Not too many of those guys know English in the first place, do they?" "No Sir, they certainly don't. But our thinking is that they know what English sounds like, so when they hear it spoken backwards it has a certain disorienting effect to them." "Uh huh." "Let me give you an example. Do you speak Spanish?" "Enough to get by. But back to the topic at hand..." "How about Italian? No? Good. .olovat lus e orbil lI Now what I just said was 'the book is on the table' in Italian, but I said it backwards. Sounded pretty weird, didn't it?" "Yes it did, General. Now if we can just get back to our discussion on the exit strategy. I was talking to Secretary of State Clinton..." "She's my cousin... but doesn't she look almost like Laura Palmer?" "Who's Laura Palmer?" "I don't know."   "Well anyway, as far as I know Hillary is not your cousin. But she is your Secretary of State. And what she..."   "She's filled with secrets."   "She's filled with state secrets. But it should be no secret that..."   "Where we're from, the birds sing a pretty song and there's always music in the air."   "I'm sure there is. Now General, what I tell the American people about the exit strategy has got to be definitive or I risk losing support for the mission on the Democratic side of Congress. And as you know, any Republican support I get is going to be used for their own partisan advantage. So it's important that...:"   "Would you like some coffee? Some of your friends are here."   "Huh? Oh, that's just my press secretary. He's waiting for a statement on an unrelated matter. General McChrystal, this is Robert Gibbs."   "Wow, Bob, Wow. Fire walk with me."   "Uh... uh... Wow, General, Wow. Anytime, I guess, just give me a call..."   "Give us a couple more minutes, Bob... Okay, General, time for some straight talk..."   "Let's rock!"   "Let's not. Now listen, General, I know you've been working hard and I know you've been under a lot of stress, so why don't you head home to get some sleep, and we'll try to talk again tomorrow. But the next time I see you..."   "When you see me again, it won't be me."   ".lareneG, night dooG"   "Nice try, but you've got a lot to learn about talking backwards, Mr. President."

Katie's Wild Night

H/T to Blue Gal

Zappadan 2009

Next Friday marks the beginning of the fourth annual Festival of Zappadan. The eighteen day period runs from December 4th, the date of Frank Zappa's death, until December 21st, the date of his birth, and is a celebration of the man's music, aesthetic, and attitude. During this year's event, FGAQ will be following and linking to observations from across the blogosphere. If you are one of the celebrants and I happen to miss you, please just send an email to: Zappadan graphic by Zen Comics

The Good News

Hello friends, I'm Michael Steele, and I'm here to ask you a question - have you heard about the good news?

If you're talking about the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, then yes, Michael, I've heard it loud and clear.

As have all who hath ears to hear, John. But today I'm talking of the good news about the Republican Party.

In my opinion, Michael, as of late it's been nothing but good news for the Republican Party.

Very true, John. Perhaps I should have called this the great news about the Republican Party. Just in time for the holiday season, I'm pleased to announce the launch our on-line GOP Store!

Sorry to interrupt, Michael, but didn't you mean to say 'just in time for the Christmas season'?

Well, to be fair, John, there are a couple of other holidays in there, Thanksgiving, New Years, and all the Jewish ones. Go ahead, Michael, what makes this announcement so exciting?

It's because the GOP Store features hard to find Republican merchandise in one easy to find location! From pencil holders to bumper stickers, you can find everything to bring cheer this holiday to your favorite Republican friends and family members.

Take, for example, this lovely 4-piece GOP coaster set. Real brass with moisture proof silicone ring inserts for the low price of only $85.00

You know, that would be just the thing for my daughter Meghan this year. Truth be told, she's kind of outgrown the stuffed animals I always give her.

Oh, my girls Lindsay and Tricia still love the stuffed animals. Do you have anything at the GOP Store for them, Michael?

Let me introduce Peppermint, the latest addition to our fine collection of plush elephant collectibles. Dressed in festive holiday colors and standing five inches tall, Peppermint is a bargain at only $35.00.

That's so cute I hardly know what to say... Except for, I'm ordering today!

I suppose that stuffed pachyderms are okay for the kids, but you haven't shown me anything that I'd want to display in my rec room.

Oh yeah, John, well it just so happens that I've been in your rec room, and like most guys I know, you give prominent exposure to that great American masterpiece 'Dogs Playing Poker'.

Well, of course he does. Every guy I know has that on their wall, except for maybe Barney Frank. What do you have for us, Michael, 'Elephant's Playing Poker'?

Something much better than that, Michael... I'm talking about the latest masterwork from artist Andy Thomas, 'Memorable Republican Presidents Playing Poker'.

That's... beautiful.

I should be in that picture instead of that smirking frat boy.

I remember all of those presidents... Ike, Teddy, Tricky Dicky, the one who died a couple of years ago, Honest Abe, Poppy Bush, Ronnie, and that smirking frat boy. How much is it, Michael?

That's the best part. This is actually a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, so you can have hours of fun assembling it before you hang it on the wall. And it's only $15.00!

$15.00! Unbelievable! And I could just take the piece with the frat boy's head out and paste my own face in there!

Take it from the Johns, folks, and come on over to the GOP Store where we promise to make this the reddest holiday season ever!

Reddest Christmas season, Michael.

In the least surprising announcement since forever, Barack Obama today announced that some time next week he intends to announce his strategy for Afghanistan. Prior to that widely expected declaration he made the similarly unstartling claims that he had 'a comprehensive strategy' and that it was his intention to 'finish the job'. Obama refused to say when he intends to make his strategy announcement or how many troops will be involved, although the answers to those questions are widely believed to be 8:00 PM Tuesday and 34,000. "I feel very confident that when the American people hear a clear rationale for what we're doing there and how we intend to achieve our goals, they will be supportive," Obama said, without the slightest hint of irony in his voice.

decision point

After months of deliberating, appraising, analyzing, racking his brain, brooding over, pondering, considering, mulling and ruminating over Afghanistan, the president has finally laid down his thinking cap and made up his mind to do whatever the heck it is that General McChrystal wants to do. "After completing a rigorous final meeting, President Obama has the information he wants and needs to make his decision and he will announce that decision within days," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "I think everybody will be pleasantly surprised by what he has to say. Okay, not so much pleasantly surprised as relieved to have the damn thing out on the table." "Speaking of damn, this is one of those decisions where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't," Gibbs continued. "I'm not at liberty to go into specifics of the plan, but I can inform you that the president has decided to go ahead and be damned."

Sarah Palin screws up demonic hand signal, accidentally summons satin

No Lou, it is

Gingrich 2012? Delusional.
Palin 2012? Mind bogglingly possible.
Beck 2012? Comedy gold.
Dobbs 2012? Crazy.

Huckabee is starting to look good.

cause one person can make a difference

Yeah, it was me, I demanded it and I damn well better get what I want. I better see Glenn Beck right here in Salem, Virginia, and I don't expect to be kept waiting or there's going to be hell to pay. And I tell you what, I don't want him just any old place in Salem, I want him right there at my front door with a cold six pack in his hands. Make that a twelve pack if you want anything, Glenn. And not some swill, either, I demand a quality lager. I don't know if I'll invite him inside, it depends on the weather. Maybe we'll just sit outside. Although I suppose that might attract the neighbors, who haven't bothered exercising their own option to determine Glenn Beck's schedule. Yeah, I can just see it, that pesky Mr Lebowitz who will jawbone endlessly with pretty much anyone, Glenn Beck or not. No, that won't do, I better invite him inside, because I demand Glenn Beck's full attention.

all you need to know about tea

and the funny thing is, I'll bet he has been perfecting this line in his head for weeks:
"Are they going to be a bunch of fingers, or are they going to come together to be a fist?"

The Fratto Files

From my lips to your ear Tony Fratto CNBC On-Air Contributor and former Deputy White House Press Secretary    "I can not lie – I like big banks. I like small banks, too. I like regional banks. I like community banks. I like savings and loans and thrifts. I like commercial banks and investment banks." - Me, Tony Fratto, writing on the official CNBC Guest Blog   Pretty clever, huh? That's from a little piece I did a couple of weeks ago called 'I Like Big Banks (And I Can Not Lie)'. It's kind of a parody of that rap song 'I Like Big Butts' by Sir Mix-A-Lot. I don't know how many CNBC aficionados are hip enough to pick up on the reference, but I do know that the select few will get a real chuckle out of it.   The truth of the matter is, I can not lie. If I had been able to lie, it's pretty obvious that I would have been the White House Press Secretary instead of just the Deputy, although (once again I can not lie) being the Deputy White House Press Secretary, or as I liked to call it 'the Tough Guy's Tough Guy, is no small potatoes in and of itself.    Not to say that I can't lie if it's in the service of a greater truth, like showing my support for the American banking system, but in the Bush White House, the greater truth was what I would have to call an abstract meme. I could say more, but I haven't even finished the first draft of my book. What did the Deputy White House Press Secretary know, and when did he know it? You're just going to have to wait to find out.    To be perfectly honest - and you know I can't help myself - I like any bank that will cash my paycheck. Because they've been few and far between over the past few months. I probably should have lined something up a little earlier, but I was perhaps a little overconfident that when John McCain won, he would promote me to Press Secretary. And he probably would have, too, rather than going with some piece of eye candy like Dana Perino. I'd be lying if I said that Dana wasn't a babe, but I think it's pretty obvious that White House Press Secretary is a job for a real man, not a bleached blonde piece of fluff like Dana.    Like an idiot, I stayed at the White House up until the weekend of Obama's inauguration, and then I took a few weeks of to recuperate, because after all, I had been manning the press office by myself since mid-November. (Not that I'm bitter, but in my book, I've got an amusing story about why they wouldn't name me Press Secretary even after everyone else had left.)    Once again, overconfidence ended up biting me on the ass. In early April, I did the logical thing and called FOX News to ask 'When do I start?' After repeatedly explaining to Roger Ailes' secretary, obviously a temp, just who I was, the man gets on the phone and tells me "Great to hear from you, Tony, but you should have called me earlier. We really can't hire any more Bush people and maintain our reputation as fair and balanced. We just added Karl Rove and Linda Chavez and John Bolton and Dana Perino..." Those last two words were the final thing I heard. My mind was going into reboot over the unfairness of it all. That blonde bimbo, and I don't mean that in a negative way, had once again taken what was rightfully mine.   It's worked out pretty good for me, though. Sure, CNBC isn't as big as FOX New, but it's a hell of a lot bigger than the FOX Business Network. That place is a joke, as we say here at the new workplace. And there's a lot to be said about being a big fish in a small pond. I don't know about you, but I've never heard of anyone over here except for Maria Bartiroma, who's a babe, and the great Jim Cramer, who nodded at me in the elevator last week.   Well that's it for now, it's almost 4:15 and I've got to get back for the closing bell. The market is looking up up up. Take it from me, CNBC on-air contributor Tony Fratto, not a man to be trifled with.

positive spin

"...and right down there is where we'll be putting the new Ramada Inn. Twenty-four hundred rooms, each with it's own spectacular view. And up about three hundred yards, the world's largest 'Bed Bath & Beyond'."   "It is quite a view, President Jintao. And of course, I do appreciate anything that we can do to help with our trade imbalance."   "It's mutually beneficial, President Obama. Bed Bath & Beyond sells mostly Chinese merchandise, and once the Great Mall of China is complete, we expect the Ramada to be full year long with American tourists."   "I don't guess the Ramada will have free Wi-Fi, will it?"   "Absolutely not."   "Just asking... You know, one thing I had hoped we could make a little progress on is, mmm, China's currency rate. Some would call it China's artificially low currency exchange rate."   "Such a boring topic. Our rate is pegged to your dollar."   "Oh, believe me, I understand. But seeing as our dollar has been falling against most other currencies..."   "I know. But we love the American dollar. That's why we have so many of them! You know, a much more interesting topic of discussion might be America's unbelievably low interest rates."   "Not real happy with the interest you're receiving on all those American dollars, huh? Well, you know we've been having this recession, so my treasury guys want to keep it low to help stimulate the economy. So, sorry about our low rates of return."   "Sorry about our big trade surplus."   "Well, I guess we're kind of at a stalemate."   "True. We struck out on emission goals."   "Not a problem. Congress is never going to let me get anything passed on that anyway. But we did agree to cooperate."   "Which is a positive thing. And we did agree that a nuclear North Korea is not in our interest."   "Definitely not in our interest. And we agreed to talk more about Iran. Talking is good."   "Talking leads to cooperation. When it's in our national interest."   "Same with us, President Jintao. Oh, and don't forget, we agreed to formalize discussions on cooperative space efforts."   "It seems it has been quite a successful summit, President Obama. Shall we get together again next year?"   "Maybe in Washington. We'll talk about it."

John Boehner, picky eater

"...to have the leader of the United States bowing down to the leader of another country is to subject ourselves to the ridicule of our enemies. And to top it all off, he didn't even do the bow right. I was watching Hannity last night..."   "Cantor!"   "...and Sean was showing how Obama was trying to bow and shake hands at the same time. That's not the way..."   "Cantor, step away from the microphone. Now."   "Oh, sure boss, I was just..."   "Stop flapping your lips and look me in the eye like a man. Do you know what I happened to do yesterday morning?"   "I guess so, John, I'm pretty much with you all the time."   "It may be true that you follow me around like a goddamn puppy dog but you're not with me all the time, thank God. Yesterday morning I made a little call to the White House."   "Oh boy, that's great, boss. What did you do, did you give Obama a piece of you mind?"   "No, you idiot, what I'd like to give him is a piece of your ass. And anyway, in case you haven't heard, Obama's in Asia."   "Well how would I know that? You're the one who called him, and you didn't tell me anything about it."   "I called the White House because I was turning down an invitation to next week's State Dinner with Prime Minister Singh. You know, a State Dinner is an unforgettable experience, and the opportunity to attend one is a rarity. I went to the one Bush held for Queen Elizabeth, and it was one of the highlights of my career."   "Well, it's probably a good idea that you turned this one down, because like I was telling you the other day, the things those upper-class Indians eat are pretty disgusting. Fish-eye soup, chilled monkey brains in curry, stuff like that. And I know what a picky eater you are. I tell you, Roy, we had a pizza from Generous George's the other night, and John was picking off the onions, picking off the olives..."   "It's Mr Blunt to you, whip-boy, and don't bother trying to pull me in on your side."   "You made up all that shit about the food, didn't you Cantor?"   "No way, boss, that's the kind of things they like to eat. Come on, haven't you ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?"   "That's not a documentary, shortstop, and I pray that you're cognizant of at least that much. My old friend Roy here just happened to be at the State Dinner that Bush had for Singh back in 2005, and he was just telling me about it. What was on the menu again, Roy?"   "Well let's see, we started out with chilled asparagus soup, and a very good Chappellet Chardonnay Napa Valley 2003, a salad of celery hearts and bibb lettuce..."   "I guess that doesn't sound too bad..."   "Shut up, Cantor. Then they opened up the Hartford Court Pinot Noir 'Arrendell' 2002, and brought out the most succulent pan-roasted halibut you could ever imagine, accompanied by basmati rice with pistachios and currants, hot..."   "Enough, Roy, you're killing me, and I need to be killing this little creep beside me instead. "   "Aww, boss, you don't mean that... You know, you shouldn't be cozying up to traitors anyway."   "Shut up, Cantor. I have a feeling that the reason you talked me out of attending is that you're just jealous that you never get invited anywhere nice."   "Well... Oops, late for an appointment. Gotta run."   "I don't know why I listen to that little creep, Roy. And to think, next Tuesday, I'll probably be dining on leftover meatloaf at home with Debbie while watching reruns of 'Two and a Half Men'. If I'm lucky."   "That's tough. You know, John, I was talking to Steny Hoyer... He's going to the dinner, and he told me that since it's so close to Thanksgiving, they're going to have John Madden come by the White House with Turduckens."   "Turduckens? Oh man, I can't believe it. I've always wanted to try one of those."   "Yeah, you've got my sympathy. If there's any left, I'll see if I can bring you a doggy bag."

Gaddafi guilty

Bob Dylan was one of the many celebrities not in attendance. Ridiculous Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, in Rome for the Food and Agriculture Organization summit, has been found guilty of hosting the very worst party in recent Italian history. "Tacky, tacky, tacky," declared Italian news daily La Republica. "Perhaps Mr Gaddafi has never heard the old axiom 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do', because no Italian with the least bit of self-respect would ever dare host a party this boorish. Honest to God, we bet there have been more entertaining parties than this over at the Pope's place." In spite of the press reports, it's quite likely that there was at least one person who enjoyed themselves - Muammar Gaddafi. The Libyan lunatic used a model agency to hire 100 young bella donnas for the occasion. Staying true to his conflicted nature, Gaddafi required the women to be at least 5'7" and well dressed, but he strictly prohibited short skirts and low-cut tops. They were paid €50 each for attending the event which was held at the luxuary Via Veneto hotel. Upon arriving, they were treated to the delightful entertainment stylings of Muammar Gaddafi!, who yelled at the women in a futile attempt to make them convert to Islam. As parting gifts, they were given copies of the Koran and 'How to be Muslim'. "We were at least expecting a snack", said puzzled attendee Silvia Figliozzi. "And the entertainment was just terrible. When that man, whoever he was, first came out, I said 'Oh goodie, it's Bob Dylan'. I mean, I'm not a big Dylan fan, but yeah, for fifty euros I'll listen to your stuff. Who knew? Ah well, no big loss, it's all a matter of perspective. The weird guy was telling this story about Jesus, and how he wasn't really crucified. He said God snatched him away, and they ended up crucifying some other guy who looked just like him, and I say to myself, 'Here I am thinking that I'm unlucky', you know?"

the moon

Yay, Moon! with Dr. Harry Spangler, NASA Hello, this is Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here to tell you about the latest excitement coming out of NASA. From what they tell me, it's been a pretty big week. No, the glorious 'New Horizons' expedition has not yet reached the tiny frozen planetoid Pluto. That great day is still about six years off into the future. And in regards to my secondary assignment, no, NASA has not yet been able to locate a reliable new source for plutonium-238, although I'm told that our recent secret talks with North Korea are quite promising. Perhaps you've recently heard the news about the Moon. This week we've discovered that although there is no beer in Heaven, there is in fact water on the moon. I'm sorry, the NASA PR department believes that I should capitalize the moon, but I'm afraid my heart just isn't in it. Moon is a noun, people, not a proper noun, and I hesitate to further add to the nation's astrological illiteracy. The nomenclature goes back to a simpler time, when man could not yet imagine other enormous orbs circling other undiscovered planets. Planets? We didn't even know about planets. Oh sure, you say, we knew there was a Venus, we knew there was a Mars, but the fact is that we had no idea what they really were. The foolish Greeks called them 'wandering stars'. It wasn't until 700 BC when the Babylonians came up with the Venus Tablet of Ammisaduqa that humanity even began to get a clue that there were such things as planets. Forget about moons. By the time Galileo began to realize that the universe was absolutely full of moons, we were too set in our ways to name the one we already had. You can't just put a The in front of moon and make things right. You know, on some planets, moons are worth talking about. Saturn, for example, has an impressive sixty-one moons. That's exactly sixty more than the planet Earth. And do you know what? Each and every one of those moons has a decent name. Some of them you know by heart - the majestic Titan, for example, which is a good 80% larger than our friendly orbiter. And of course there are our old friends Iapetus, Mimas, Hyperion, Enceladus, and my personal favorite, Calypso, which is shaped just like a potato. I'm no expert on Saturn, no, Pluto is my forte, but the point is that all of these worlds have proper names rather than common nouns. But I digress. In case you happened to miss the news, I am pleased to inform you that this week NASA has discovered water on the moon! That's correct, you heard right, we slammed the Centaur rocket into the Cabeus crater and kicked up a whopping 26 gallons of water vapor. As NASA planetary scientist Peter Schultz remarked, 'Isn't that cool?'. Well no, Peter, I'm afraid it's not. While 26 gallons of water is indeed enough to drown in, and pundits such as the wiseacres at Popular Mechanics consider this seventy-nine million dollar mission to be 'cheap in the spaceflight world', what with water going for only 3.29 million per gallon, one must give at least a passing thought to the form in which this water in fact exists. Lets run some figures. When the Centaur met the Cabeus at 5600 miles per hour, it created a little crater of it's own, 65 feet in diameter and 13 feet in depth. Unimpressive by moon standards, but certainly sufficient for the burial of a few tractor trailers. How much moon matter would that be? You're correct, about 350 metric tons. Now I'm doing this in my head but feel free to double check me with a calculator. 2204 times 16 times 350 gives us 12,342,400 ounces, out of which we get 3,328 ounces of water, or approximately 116 pounds of lunar surface for an 8 ounce serving, which is barely enough to wet a thirsty astronaut's whistle. I am singularly unimpressed, and that's before I even take up the question of reconstitution, which I plan to address in a future discussion, should NASA continue to divert my attention away from my beloved Pluto - which, by way of dramatic contrast, has a subsurface of liquid water that is well over 100 kilometers thick. Right now I'm pretty mad at the moon. I suppose that most people are fond of that unnamed orb simply because they can see it, and I must admit that there is a certain primitive logic to that peculiar romanticization. In the picture above, you cannot see the ninth stone from the sun, but the full moon dominates the evening sky. It is lovely, is it not, at least until you realize that I have simply photoshopped in a picture of a cantaloupe as a symbol of my extreme displeasure at the entire nature of this conversation.

it's all over folks, go home. there's nothing left to see.

just got a free book with a 12 pack of Dr Pepper

Your Saturday Louie

Brave Combo

20 Questions

President Obama and Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama looked on in awe at a brief press availability session today as Fuji TV Washington correspondent Toshiyuki Matsuyama attempted to ask the longest question in the history of brief press availability sessions.

Fuji Television. Matsuyama is my name. I'd like to ask both leaders - first to Prime Minister Hatoyama. You have stated that you would like to see Japan enjoy a more equal relationship with the United States in talks about Afghanistan and also the ending of the refueling operations and global warming and nuclear disarmament.

(Huh, that's a lot of topics for a single question. Sure am glad he's not aiming this one at me.)

Do you think that you're able to talk as equal partners and gain understanding on this point, especially on the Futenma relocation?

(Oh good, a yes or no question.) I believe...

There is the observation that this will be a difficult issue to resolve, but how did you explain about how to resolve the timeline for resolving this issue?

Well, I...

And to President Obama, you are a proponent of a nuclear-free world, and you've stated, first of all, you would like to visit Hiroshima and Nagasaki while in office. Do you have this desire?

(Oh good, a yes or no question.) I believe...

And what is your understanding of the historical meaning of the A-bombing in Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Do you think that it was the right decision?

(Oh no, not the old Hiroshima question.) I understand fully...

(Oh no, not the old Hiroshima question. He's making me lose face on live TV...)

And also considering the North Korean situation, how do you think the U.S.-Japan alliance should be strengthened, and how should both countries cooperate in the field of nuclear disarmament?

(Jesus Christ, that's at least a dozen unrelated topics so far)

And also on the Futenma relocation issue, by when do you think the issue needs to be resolved? And should it be that Japan carry over the discussion -- decision to next year, or decide on something outside of what is being discussed?

(Please make him stop.)

How would you respond?

Would you please repeat the question?