[ A special FGAQ op-ed ]

Following up: An urgent message to the Gallup Organization   George Gallup, Jr   After World War II, my father was an up and coming statistical analyst who seemed on the verge of greatness. Justifiable, as he had correctly predicted the winners of the three previous election using sampling populations as small as 5,000 respondents. But in the fateful year of 1948, with the press regarding him as a statistical demigod, he boldly predicted that Thomas Dewey would defeat Harry Truman by as much as fifteen points. He could have averted this disastrous forecast had he only asked the proper follow-up question: "Thomas Dewey is as vacant as a commercial lot, and he looks like Orson Wells in Citizen Kane... May I assume that you are jesting?"   The fact is that by 1948, Americans were finally starting to relax after the Great War. Endued with a more playful spirit, they were increasingly comfortable joshing with a pollster. However, when reminded of the seriousness of the query, they were usually swift to reveal their true opinion. Avoidance of this simple follow-up is undoubtedly the reason that my father toiled in obscurity for another ten years before he was able to establish the Gallup Organization, a mistake he vowed never to make again.   I am proud of the years I spent at the helm of Gallup after the departure of my father, and I faithfully followed his credo of respecting the follow-up question. And though I am no longer involved with the day to day business of the organization, I continue to follow their findings with great interest. This is why I now take pen to paper, and ask current Gallup CEO Jim Clifton to explain what in Hades is this piece of excretory claptrap that you saw fit to publish today?   "71% of National adults feel that is very important or somewhat important for the GOP to consider Tea Party ideas". Even setting aside the vast gulf between 'very important' and 'somewhat', this might at least serve as statistics to ponder were it not for the further delineation of the sampling pool.   It probably is futile to search for meaning in the true composition of those who label themselves as independents in the current environment, for these are tricky devils and their motivation are often unclear, but surely they are a group that is worthy of the follow-up my father infamously neglected to use.   It is with the group self-identified as Democrats, however, that the absence of this second question is most sorely missed. 53% believe that it is important for the GOP to listen to Tea Party ideas. In light of the fact that previous statistics had already established that only 11% of Democrats admitted having even a somewhat favorable view of the Tea Party, the proper follow-up should not be 'are you jesting?' but a hearty 'what in the blazes do you mean by that?'   Many explanations are possible: hope that further radicalization alienates the GOP from the mainstream, a desire for the higher entertainment value that Tea Party candidates tend to provide, or an honest desire to see these views have full access in the marketplace of ideas, but they are all as unexplored as a distant universe of barren planetoids.   I note with interest that during the three days required to conduct this half-hearted survey, a mere 1032 respondents were sampled. Surely there was sufficient time for an illuminating secondary multiple choice. In my tenure at the Gallup helm, we worked eight hour days, and coffee breaks were only fifteen minutes. Mister Clifton, this lack of follow-up has thoroughly destroyed my enjoyment of the latest Gallup poll, and I fear that it sullies the great reputation of the entire organization through the sin of omission. Be advised that I shall carefully poll this matter among my constituents, and should my fears be born out, I shall look upon you and the Gallup Organization with great disfavor.

Alaa and Gamal

"...so Father summons me into his main office, I have no idea whatsoever what he wants, he's standing there with this real sad look on his face, and he puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me 'Alaa, I'm afraid you're never going to be president'. Can you believe it, Gamal? That is the same thing he's been telling me since you and I were children."   "Funny, Alaa, you cause me to smile. I think he was trying to break the same news to me, but every time he started to speak I would tell him that I had an important business call on my Blackberry. He finally said 'But Gamal, I do not hear any ringing'. I told him 'It ison vibrate, Father, out of respect for you' and by then some General had him by the arm. All you need to do is stall him for five minutes."   "As I clearly know, since I am the one who showed you that little ploy, but he caught me by surprise, the words came out so quickly. I felt that I should feign an expression of dismay and despair, yet all that I could manage was a mighty guffaw. Quite rude, I fear."   "You know how senile he has been getting, Alaa. He probably thought you chortled at his plight."   "Perhaps a little, but not without sympathy, although I must admit that a guffaw is not usually seen as the most sympathetic of responses... How are you doing, Gamal? Father always used to tell you that one day you would rule all of Egypt."   "Yes, yes, you make me smile again. He used those very words, 'Someday, Gamal, you will rule all of Egypt, as far as the eye can see'. Of course, when I got older he tended to promote it more as an excellent career move."   "With a hint of destiny thrown in. Poor old Father, hanging on to the presidency until he is 82 and then watching it all go to hell."   "Because of poor old Father, I will need to take an extended vacation, Alaa. Yes, it is true there there have been times when I have pondered the possibility of the presidency, but now if I were to give it serious thought, I would have the entire Arab street howling for my scalp."   "Not the entire Arab street, Gamal, but assuredly a healthy portion of it."   "They already are, yet I have never committed to anything. Accursed media... You should give travel arrangements some serious thought, Alaa. If things proceed downhill any more swiftly, you too could find yourself in an unfortunate situation."   "Better safe than sorry, Gamal, and I could probably use a little down time."

hotline to Cairo

"Hello, presidential palace..."   "President Mubarak, this is Barack Obama. We've urgently been trying to reach you, but phone service is down and Ambassador Scobey says that nobody is answering the door at your residence."   "And does she say the lights are all out?"   "No, she said the palace is lit up like a Christmas tree."   "Well, that is proof positive that I... that President Mubarak is not afraid of his own people. The palace is indeed as bright as a Red Roof Inn. Let me see if our great leader is available for speaking, Mister Obama... Oh President... President Mubarak... No, I'm sorry, the president is not available at the moment. I believe he mentioned something about water cannons. Can I have him call you?"   "President Mubarak, I know this is you. This is Hillary Clinton."   "Ah, my old friend Hillary. What, did President Obama have you on speakerphone?"   "Hi, Hillary..."   "Oh, hi Suzanne... President Mubarak, we told you to embrace reform now, or there'd be hell to pay, and now you've got your military in the..."   "Pardon me, Hillary, I smell something burning in the kitchen. Suzanne, can you check on those eggs?"   "Hosni, this is Obama again. Did you shoot Mohamed ElBaradei with a water cannon?"   "ElBaradei, ElBaradei... Is he the bald fellow with a mustache, perhaps in his mid-sixties? No, I don't recall shooting him with a water cannon..."   "Bullshit, we've got people on the street. And you know ElBaradei. He's the guy who's going to lead the transitional government after you step down."   "Moi? But I don't intend to step down. I am quite comfortable ruling Egypt, and it does have certain perks..."   "It does not. Make him step down, President Obama. And let me speak to Hilary."   "Suzanne? Look, this is very..."   "I'm waiting..."   "Suzanne, this is Hilary. I don't have..."   "Oh my god, Hilary, you don't know what it's been like. All of our servants have deserted us, and I'm stuck here all alone. Hosni shut down FaceBook and Twitter and this is the only working phone in Cairo... I just burned the eggs... Did you hear me? I'm cooking eggs because there's nobody else here and that's all I can cook. I want to go to Saudi Arabia now, before they storm the palace, but Hosni won't listen to a word I say..."   "Suzanne, we need to talk to President Mubarak."   "Why so formal, Hilary? Oh god, whatever happened to sisterhood..."   "Hello, presidential palace..."   "Mubarak, quit playing games. Your wife already told us that all of your staff had deserted." "All except for Mostafa, that is. They always seem to forget about me. Hold just a second... Mister President... Mister President... I'm sorry, he doesn't seem to be around right now. Can I take a message and have him call you back?"

dispatch from the dangerous kitchen

It was revealed today that Dennis Kucinich was yet another victim of the notorious Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, a congressional eatery shunned by most House members for it's reckless disregard of culinary safety. Over the years, numerous lawmakers have been subjected to food poisoning, choking on improperly deboned fish, heartburn, and diarrhea, as well as burgers that were severely overcooked. The cafeteria was temporarily closed in 1994, when a human finger was discovered in their vegetarian chili.   According to a complaint filed with the DC Superior Court, Kucinich suffered 'serious and permanent dental and oral injuries' after biting into a 'tainted' sandwich wrap that was 'unwholesome and unfit for human consumption, in that it was represented to contain pitted olives, yet unknown to plaintiff contained an unpitted olive'. Kucinich is suing the Longworth for $150,000 to cover 'pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment'. "I clearly remember the day he ate that sandwich," says Rep. Anthony Weiner. "There was a howl from the back of the cafeteria, but when people saw that it was Dennis, they didn't pay too much attention. Once it kept on for a while, though, I thought someone should check on him, so I went over to see what the matter was. 'I've got a pit in my sandwich', he moaned, so I told him to keep quiet about it or everybody would want one. I guess my humor was totally lost on him, because he kept on chewing with tears rolling down his cheeks. I asked him later why he didn't just spit it out and he told me that would have been undignified. Yeah, well so is howling like a banshee in the House cafeteria."

Hard Week in Cairo

[The front door of Egypt's Presidential Palace is flung open, and Hosni Mubarak stalks in, closely shadowed by a Cairo cab driver. First Lady Suzanne enters to meet him in the atrium holding a Coors Light in a can on an ornate pillow.]   Hosni: Suzanne, please pay this savage mercenary. My limo was overturned in the market district and I had to ride home in this man's godforsaken contraption.   Driver: It is a 2008 Ford Fiesta, Mister President. I try to keep it very clean. Hosni: It is an unspeakable blasphemy, and for the privilege of subjecting myself to it's vile interior, you expect me to extort me for three hundred pounds?   Driver: Umm... Perhaps you have not been affected by it, Mister President, but with this excruciating inflation we've been having, three hundred pounds is only about fifty U.S. dollars.   Hosni: I suppose when you put it in those terms, it really is not too obscene a sum. Huh. I remember when three hundred pounds was considered real money.   Driver: Do you really, sir? You have been president for thirty years, have you not, so pecuniary disappointments are no doubt a bit uncommon for you. At any rate, it did take a bit of skillful navigating to get you through the riot, particularly with four bodyguards stuffed into the backseat.   Hosni: Forego you cynical attempt to get a larger tip, ingrate. Suzanne, pay the man.   Suzanne: Very well... Here, do I get change back from a ruby? ...No, I suppose not.   Hosni: Why did you pay that driver with a ruby? And why are you holding a Coors Light? In a can!   Suzanne: So many questions, Hosni. I paid with a ruby because the presidential accountant is not here today to issue a check. And I bring you a Coors Light because it is the only cold beverage remaining in the presidential fridge.   Hosni: This may be so, but Coors Light? Surely that must date back to Condoleezza Rice.   Suzanne: No, I regret to remind you that it was Colin Powell who liked Coors Light. But you know for yourself how difficult it is to navigate the market district at the moment.   Hosni: It is, indeed. The people are revolting.   Suzanne: You speak the truth. I was watching the news on television and some of them looked like they hadn't showered in a couple of months. What are they upset about now?   Hosni: Oh, you know, the usual... poverty, unemployment, government corruption, police brutality...   Suzanne: Well, I think these thugs have clearly demonstrated the necessity of a little police brutality.   Hosni: I could not agree more, and today we met them with tear gas and water cannons. I tell you, Suzanne, those water cannons are a thing of beauty. Someday I shall take you out to fire one... I think that I will try that Coors Light, now... Blaaagg! I've been poisoned!   Suzanne: I wish you wouldn't do that. If the presidential food taster hadn't deserted us, he would have had a heart attack. Let me summon the kitchen and see if there is someone left who can prepare you a decent libation.   Hosni: It will certainly not be the presidential bartender. He is one of the ruffians responsible for overturning my limo. Along with the presidential driver. Oh, and don't bother looking for the upstairs maid, either. She was leading the chants.   Suzanne: Useless Betty? The mouth on that girl is appalling. What was she chanting?   Hosni: "Mubarak, Saudi Arabia awaits you." I know, it does not make much sense, but the logic seems to be that Tunisia had their little revolution last week...   Suzanne: They are so small, I scarcely noticed.   Hosni: ...and they ran Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali out of the country and Saudi Arabia offered him refuge... And I guess what these hooligans are trying to say in their unruly manner is that...   Suzanne: That they'll have a revolution and cut out the middleman. But there is a difference, Hosni. Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali was a dictator and you are a democratically elected president.   Hosni: Semi-democratically. But not really a dictator... I don't think of myself as a dictator...   Maid: You rang, Madame? Suzanne: Yes, Marisha. The president could use a nice stiff drink.   Maid: I'm sorry to hear that, Madame. The presidential chef and the presidential valet absconded with all the good liquor.   Hosni: You know, Saudi Arabia doesn't sound all that bad...

City of slumping shoulders

It is a city that has seen too much too quickly, and now must attempt to make sense of the altered landscape that lies before it. Chicago, once renowned as hog butcher of the world, tool maker, and stacker of wheat, has now become the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.   "Twenty four hours of hell," is how Chicago native Janet Paronski describes it, and surely she would be correct if only hell was colder than a motherfucker rather than a region reportedly hotter than Miami.   "Valid point," concedes Ms Paronski, "but that just makes our torment worse. The Bears... How could they dash our hopes like this? Chicago believed again, and then to be undone like this by the unspeakable Green Bay cheeseheads. I mean, do you know how humiliating it is to see your dreams of glory decimated by people who think cheddar is proper headgear? Although I guess I should put the blame where it's due, on the quarterback. Jay Cutler doesn't deserve to be a Bear, leaving in the middle of the game just because he sprained his knee. Chicago didn't use to be a city of sissies."   "Like most people here in Chi-town, I called in sick at work today so I could catch up on my drinking. I really couldn't do much at the game yesterday because my beer kept freezing. But then what happens this morning? I turn on Oprah and find out that she has a half-sister she never knew about. That poor woman. I can't imagine what she's going through. It's got to have Oprah questioning her own existence, and if Oprah can be brought that low, what does it mean for the rest of us?"   "They say that bad things come in threes, and that must be true for Chicago, because I hadn't even had time to digest Oprah's woes when I heard the news bulletin about Rahm, how they've ordered his name off the ballot for mayor. What sort of perverted justice is this, saying he's not a Chicago resident? I see him on the local news all the time. They're messing with my reality. They might as well say that Janet Paronski isn't a Chicagoan. I... I feel a little lightheaded."

never drive a car when you're dead

trendsetter of the week

Michele Bachmann has proven to be quite the trendsetter with her decision to present an alternative State of the Union rebuttal speech. Bachmann, who has been frustrated in her attempts to infiltrate the GOP leadership, vowed that she would not be thwarted in her God given right to rebut the president.   "This is nothing personal against Paul," Bachmann claims, referring to GOP Budget Chairman Paul Ryan, who will be giving the official rebuttal. "But lets face it, the man is a bit of a dweeb, isn't he? I mean, I don't see founding father when I look at him, it's more like 'Happy Days'. Yeah, who was that kid Richie used to hang out with, Potsie?"   Although there are currently no plans for Bachmann's address to be televised, it will be streamed live from the Tea Party Express website - which is almost as good - and rebroadcast repeatedly for the next three days wherever Sean Hannity is available. "Just gather the whole family around the computer and get ready for what I guarantee will be the best speech of the evening," assures Bachmann. "I can be quite the fiery orator, and I feel the heat building. After Obama tries to feed you all his Socialist crap, and then you listen to Potsie drone on, you're going to need me. I probably shouldn't say that Paul drones on, because he does have some important stuff to say, but it is like having to eat you vegetables before you can have desert, which is me."   Reacting to the news that two House members were giving rebuttals, Senators Pat Toomey and Jim DeMint announced that they would be giving Tuesday rebuttals as well, with Toomey's being streamed from the Club for Growth website, while DeMint's will be broadcast on the NASCAR Network. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie also plans a rebuttal, to be streamed from the Domino's website, and Sarah Palin announced that she intends to tweet her rebuttal concurrently with the President's speech.

Baby Doc reflects

In a story on deposed dictator John-Claude 'Baby Doc' Duvalier's return to Haiti after twenty-five years in exile, the New York Times staffer Ginger Thompson pens this classic understatement: "A lawyer for Mr. Duvalier, Gervais Charles, acknowledged that things had not gone well for his client."   "I have to be honest and ask myself just what the hell I was thinking of when I left France," said an embarrassed Baby Doc. "Surely I must have been inflicted with some form of temporary insanity when I decided to waltz back into Haiti, acting like nothing had happened. Sure, it's been twenty-five years, but I did kill an awful lot of my countrymen."   "Still, they say that dead men tell no tales, so I guess I didn't really see that as an insurmountable problem," Duvalier continued, momentarily seeming a bit conflicted. "No, I can see now that the thousands Haitians that I had tortured were a bigger obstacle to a welcome homecoming. I can't believe that so many of those people are still alive and bearing a grudge. I mean, back when I was deposed, the average life span in Haiti was only 52, so what are the odds?"   "I suppose the one thing that a lot of Haitians just haven't been able to forgive me for is the way I used to sell body parts of dead peasants," Duvalier guesses. "There always seemed to be a lot of grumbling about that. I suppose that I could partially justify by noting that they were dead peasants, but since I'm the one who had them executed, that's kind of a moot point, and I'm a big enough man to admit that was pretty evil."   Although Duvalier insists that he returned to Haiti to assist with earthquake relief, critics see a financial motive. While he did manage to smuggle out $300 million before fleeing to France, in can be quite expensive to maintain a decent lifestyle in Paris, and Baby Doc has been running low on cash. By returning to Haiti, Duvalier could potentially access six million that he has frozen in Swiss accounts. Haiti recently passed a law which would prevent that from happening, but it doesn't take effect until February 1.   "I suppose that if you insist on looking at it in that manner, it would appear that time is of the essence," admits Duvalier. "That's such a cynical way of viewing things, though, when my only real motivation is to help the people of my native land. You don't believe the part about me coming back to offer earthquake assistance? Ah, I should have know that would never fly. Man, I cannot seem to catch a break. I don't know, I have a fear that this might all end badly for me."

first lady of death

We all know that Hillary Clinton was the first woman to commit murder while her husband was president, but give it a rest, people. That was only one person, and there were many more that she was tempted to take out. Laura Bush had her own case of vehicular manslaughter, but for all we know it could have been an accident, so it barely even counts.   Michelle Obama is in a league of her own when it comes to dealing death. No one is certain how many she has killed, but according to startling statistics just released by the Governors Highway Safety Association, there were at least seven victims in just the first six months of 2010. That's the number of additional pedestrian deaths that have occurred since the first lady introduced her deadly 'Let's Move' exercise program.   "There’s an emphasis these days to getting fit, and I think people doing that are more exposed to risk of getting hit by a vehicle," says GHSA director Barbara Harsha. "I don't think you can write this off as naivety on the First Lady's part. When you use a position of power to encourage people to engage in dangerous activities like jogging on the highway or playing dodge with busses, you share the responsibility."   The White House has yet to respond to the charges, likely out of fear of bringing attention to the fact that five of the additional deaths were pedestrians run over by the president's motorcade.

House GOP reflects on Health Care repeal

In what proved to be a surprisingly easy lift, House Republicans believe themselves to have banished Health Care from the national agenda this afternoon.   "It's, uh... okay," Tea Party caucus leader Michele Bachman said of the victory. "But... You know how sometimes you really anticipate something, like when you're a kid waiting for Christmas? And you're just waiting and waiting, imagining how great it's going to be, and when it finally arrives, it's kind of a disappointment. That's what repealing Health Care is like. I've got another two years in Congress ahead of me, and it's like I ate my desert before dinner, and I feel like I've already shot my load. I know that's a mixed metaphor, okay, but I guess I've got a lot of mixed feelings."   "Poor Michele. She really doesn't have a lot on her plate, so I can't fault her for going for the desert," empathized Rep Peter King. "Me, I've got my Muslim hearings coming up, and I'm probably going to enjoy immigration for a long time, but Health Care, yeah, that was a biggie. And it really should have been a bigger payday, too, but we didn't play our cards right. I mean, what sort of lobbyist is going to try and buy your vote if they already know which way you're going? Kind of a pyrrhic victory, if you ask me."    "How do I feel about having repealed Health Care?" echoed Majority Leader Eric Cantor. "Pretty good, I guess. Sometimes I wish that I could say that I was as happy as John Boehner. You should have seen him this afternoon; the man was blubbering like a baby. It would be kind of cute if it wasn't so disturbing."   "There's nothing disturbing about a man being happy," asserted Boehner. "Some people look at a glass and see it as half empty. I look at a glass and say let's drink. Here's a toast to a free market where nothing is free, least of all Health Care."   "I realize this repeal isn't going anywhere in the Senate," reflected Boehner. "Some might call this a meaningless gesture, but it means the world to me."

Close Encounter at the Safari Club

Item: Sarah Palin will be the keynote speaker at this year's Safari Club gun convention. "The SCI convention will also feature comedian Larry The Cable Guy, The Marshall Tucker Band, Pure Prairie League, Elvis impersonator Matt Lewis, NASCAR team owner Richard Childress and conservative commentator Michael Reagan."

...a really great time. As most of you already know, I'm Dr Larry Rudolph, President of the Safari Club. In just a few minutes I'm going to bring out Pure Prairie League, but first I'd like to share a few anecdotes about my latest big game hunt in Africa. I was there just a couple weeks ago, camped out in the jungle, and on the very first night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What it was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know...

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I was just trying to get a word in with Sarah...

Well good luck with that, brother, old Ricky Childress has been trying to snag her attention for the last half hour without any luck. I tell you, the chick is as cold as ice.  That honey bear has a little too much of a taste for herself, Mister Reagan.

The thing that galls me is that after all the support I've given her, she won't give me the time of day. I thought I had her ear for a couple of minutes, but I don't think she heard a word I said.

Huh. Little Miss 'Too Good to Have a Drink with the Tuck'.

Shucks, that ain't right. Even old Elvis is willing to have a drink with you.

Yeah... That would all be very special except for the fact that you aren't Elvis.

Hell, son, you ain't the Marshal Tucker Band, neither, you're just the only one of those guys that's left. You wasn't the leader, you wasn't the singer, and your name ain't even Marshall Tucker.

Oh, look who's got an opinion now, Conan the Proletarian. For your information, I was one of the original founders, and I was the other singer. Furthermore, there wasn't anyone named Marshall Tucker in the band.

There was nobody  in the band named Marshall Tucker? Why, that's outrageous. I've never heard of such a thing.

Sure you have, brother. There's no Savoy Brown in the Savoy Brown Blues Band, no Jethro Tull in Jethro Tull.

Ain't no Floyd in Floyd, neither.

Oh... Show biz thing. Got you.. So, I guess there wasn't really a Captain Beefheart either, was there?

Yes, yes there was, but the important thing is that we all dig us some Marshall Tucker.

Hiya fellas! I've been trying to work my way over here but everybody is just clawing at me like I'm some sort of piñata or something...

So, like if there wasn't a Marshall Tucker in the band, how the heck did you come up with the name? I bet there's an interestin story there.

As a matter of fact, there is. Back when the band was first starting out, we rented this old warehouse in Spartanburg...

...anyway, I was just having the most interesting conversation with this Reverend, he packs a pistol when he's giving his sermons, just in case he needs to protect his flock or something, and we were talking about Tucson and how terrible it was that I was dragged into the whole tragedy cause of some of my freedom of speech, and...

So Marshall Tucker was the name of an old piano tuner that had rented the warehouse before you guys?

Imagine the odds on that... Got to be like one in a million.

At least. At least. But see, we didn't know that, we just though it was like Smith & Wesson or McCain-Feingold, we didn't know it was a real name. So Tommy, rest his soul, said that wouldn't be...

...and so I had this little flash of empathy, I said to myself gosh, this is just like what I did to Barack Obama, you know, drag his name through the mud because of little coincidences and chance associations and you know, innuendo...

So you guys ran off with the guy's name, huh? I bet that was one pissed off piano player.

How bout you, Larry - why did you start calling yourself The Cable Guy?

I'll bet you used to be a cable guy.

Nope, nope, you'd lose that bet, partner. Course when I was growin up on a pig farm in Pawnee City, Nebraska, bein a cable guy was somethin to aspire to. The truth is...

...bottom line is, if I can incorporate these insights, I can use them to make myself a more forceful and effective personality, don't you think? And heck, maybe candidate too, right? I mean, like being able to focus my accusations for the maximum negative impact would be cool, you know? ... Okay, gotta run, guys!

...which is why I can relate to Elvis, here, since he said he used to be in a Journey cover band. The Cable Guy was just one of the characters I used to do when I was comin up through the circuit, but he's the one who ended up puttin the beans in my bowl.

Just like Tucker's done for me. How about you, Reagan? How did you come up with your name?

Oh, that's my real name. Maybe you've heard that my dad used to be the president, but before that he was an actor, and the day I was born he was taking a meeting with Michael Rosenstein at Paramount...

pardon the interruption

I realize that the FGAQ signal has been off the air quite a bit over the past few weeks; hell, who's kiddin who, the past six months. And then a lot of the time when it is on the air, the signal is weak, like there's ice on our transmitter; or scrambled so badly that you can't be sure just what it is you're supposed to be looking at. It would be easy to blame it all on technical difficulties, and while that would contain a kernel of truth, it would ultimately be a deception. In reality, there is a far simpler explanation for our broadcast difficulties.   We've been on a caper. A fabulous adventure - just like Brad or George - a riveting caper filled with high excitement and thrilling danger, but not without it's hi-jnx as well. And at the end, we won't be permitted to tell you a thing about it. Very hush hush, I'm afraid. Our broadcast should return to normal soon, but you know how it is with service calls - they say they'll be there by the ten but they never show, and then you've off on grand heist the better part of the next week... Oh well, at any rate we should have this escapade rapped up in a couple weeks. Please stand by.

Subj: Wake up Governor

To: TPaw@aol.com From: bdover@gmail.com Attch:(1) So it's come down to this, has it? Lately I've been trying to keep my anger inside. My wife Patsy even tells me that  I've been doing a reasonably good job of it. No more impassioned emails blindly sent off in the middle of the night - that was my New Year's Resolution, and so far I've been able to bide by it.   Don't think I don't know who you are, Mister Pawlenty. Your given name is Tim and you're the Governor of Minnesota. I know where you live, too - the Governor's Mansion. Think I don't know how to find you? Two words, buddy. Google Maps. I just head down Summit Avenue, take a right at South Oxford, then the first left, and BOOM! I'm right there, buddy.   Fortunately for both of us, I've decided to break my New Year's Resolution, which in retrospect was probably a bad promise to have made to begin with. Well, I didn't promise anyone but Patsy and myself, and we both know I'm in here reading you the riot act, except for Patsy, who's watching Leno. My point is that if I had not broken my resolution, I may well have given into my urge to crank it on up to Saint Paul and give you the sort of tongue lashing you so richly deserve, although that's probably against the law in Minnesota, but I'm so steamed that I don't care. Just don't be showing up in Southwest Virginia anytime soon, that's all I've got to say.   I think you know the problem, don't you buddy? See, I'm a state elected GOP official myself and as such I try to keep up with what's happening in the Republican Party, not just here, but also in Minnesota. So I was doing my afternoon reading today, and I came across a piece entitled 'Tim Pawlenty jabs Sarah Palin over crosshairs'. Needless to say, that caught my interest. My first though was, I'm sure this is journalistic hyperbole. You know how these political sites are, just trying to grab your eyeballs. No way Tim Pawlenty actually jabbed Sarah Palin. I mean, I've heard of you, but most people, I mention your name, they just give me a blank stare.   But I read the piece, and I've got to tell you, it made my jaw drop. It says you were on 'Good Morning America' - I know they've got a lot of time to fill up - and they ask you about this little controversy the lamestream media is drumming up on Sister Sarah. You know what I'm talking about, don't you buddy, the map with the crosshair targets of Democrats she wanted to target. Kind of a cute little graphic, but what did you say?   "I wouldn't have done it." Jesus Christ that was rude! Didn't your mama ever tell you if you can't say anything nice, then don't say any thing at all?   But you couldn't leave it alone there, could you? You had to add "It would not have been my style to put crosshairs on there."   You did jab Palin, you son of a bitch! Holy Mother of God, your style! Putting aside your fashion choices (in every way inferior to Sarah's), I know full well what you were doing - playing the class card. You've got way too much panache to ever bother getting down and dirty in the fight for America's soul.   I'm sure that everybody on 'Good Morning America' was as shocked as I was. I don't know, the article doesn't say. Probably George Stephanopoulos wasn't shocked, but I know everyone else probably was. So let me just share a little insight with you, buddy, cause those who don't learn from history are in for a whole world of hurt.   Maybe you remember September 11, 2001. I'm willing to bet that you do. Now there's a few nutcases on the left who think think that was an inside job, and there's a lot more lefties who think Bush just let it happen so he could pursue Iran. Both of those theories are bullhockey, but I'll tell you what. Once it did happen, old GWB used the opportunity for everything it was worth. And that's exactly what's happening right this minute.   It would be crazy to suggest that Obama ordered those shootings in Arizona, or even to suggest that he let it happen, but if that's what the battle requires, that's exactly what we'll say. Because what is happening should be as clear as the nose on your face - Obama is going to use this tragedy to try and take our guns. Smell the conspiracy, buddy, thousands of bloggers are shouting the truth already, even though the lamestream media hasn't given it word one. First comes the talk about 'civility'. Then it's a 'reasonable conversation about our current gun laws' and then BOOM!, America is a slave nation.   You're trying to sabotage us, buddy, whether you know it or not. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you jabbed Palin out of pride or ignorance, but whatever the case, you have proven yourself totally unfit to ever be the President of the United States. Maybe Sarah Palin is too, if that's any consolation, but at least her heart is in the right place, Keeping an eye on you,   Ben Dover *   *Not my real name, my blogger name. Can't be too careful.

Rush reacts

Sheriff Dupnik is to blame, of course. In the aftermath of the Arizona assassinations, Dupnik was interviewed by CNN, where he blamed the atmosphere that caused the event on "the vitriolic rhetoric that we hear day in and day out from people in the radio business and some people in the TV business". Later he even suggested that perhaps Sarah Palin stirred the pot a bit by targeting Congressman Gifford with a rifle scope in one of her excellent Facebook PowerPoints.  Then Keith Olberman went on the air with the same argument, and a couple crazy bloggers too, but none cut with the force of Dupnik . Rush went wild today, seeing as he was the man under attack, blaming everyone from Barack Obama to heavy metal for the Arizona murders (a partial list of the guilty here), but Dupnak is particularly blameworthy. He Revealed to his dittoheads the shocking fact that Dupnik is a registered Democrat, an important point that the 'lamestream' media has neglected to mention. An important fact, because the media and the Democrats have a conspiracy to get Rush. There are 'political reasons', doncha know, and Limbaugh explained that "this is what all of this is really all about. It is all political. I was blamed for the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995 … it’s the template, it’s the narrative."   As you probably recall, Limbaugh was blamed for the Oklahoma City bombing, but was ultimately exonerated when a judge determined that he was too wasted that year to have been a plausible suspect. But his point, as usual,  is well taken; it's all about Rush.

Czar Wars

Looking at all possible avenues to marginalize President Obama on their journey towards a Utopian 2012, Rep. Steve Scalise has come up with an exciting tactic that just might work. This week the Louisiana Republican introduced legislation that would get rid of all of Obama's 'czars' by defunding their offices.   "The sad fact is that no matter how hard we fight and vote against the President's agenda, there are still a lot of things that he can do through administrative orders, rewriting regulations, and so forth," said Scalise. "And it's these czars, or as Obama euphemistically calls them 'policy advisers', who make it possible for him to bypass the House's will. We can't legally fire the czars, so I say what the hey, let's just starve them out. Oh god, that's so cool. Obama will be at a friggin standstill, and GOP heaven will be visible on the horizon."   The only pothole on Scalise's road to glory is the fact that there is nobody who's officially designated as a czar, nor any definition of what the job description would be for one, seeing as how it's just a term the media uses so that they can say 'TARP czar' instead of the much more boring  'United States Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability'.   "I think we can all tell exactly who the czars are, definitions or not," sneered Scalise. "They're all the folks up there whispering in the president's ear that the Senate didn't get to vote on. It's a simple matter of transparency mumble mumble.  I tell you, I used to like me some czars back when President Bush called them that, cause you knew then the word was ironic, but with a Socialist in office, I don't think you can assume that anymore. I'm speaking for all the Republicans in the House who think Bush didn't need any czars either, we just didn't see the harm in it at the time. But that's the problem with presidential overreach; you let one guy established a precedent without taking into consideration what type of lunatic might win in the next election."   "In no way should this vote to defund be seen as some type of radical action by the House. Hell, we're only half of Congress, and if we dump the czars, the president's free to renominate them for confirmation by the Senate... if and when they feel like it. The House doesn't even get to vote, so I don't really have a dog in this fight other that the fact that I hate Obama and want to do anything in my power to help cripple him."

Iran snubbed back

In a completely egregious display of incivility, Iran has invited all of the cool countries to send a delegation to their January nuclear inspection party, but forgotten to include the United States. Some analysts believe that this was no accident. "We snubbed America?" responded a surprised President Ahmadinejad. "Oh, that sounds like something she would say. Always questioning our good intentions. But I want to make it clear that it was indeed an accident. What's that American phrase? Oh yes... it was accidentally on purpose."   "I mean, just think about it," fumed Ahmadinejad. "All we ever get from America is bitching and whining, never an encouraging word. It's disheartening. She's already bad-mouthing the party because she wasn't invited, but with her you cannot win. If we had invited America to the party, she would be bad-mouthing it anyway, 'Oh, there's not enough hors d'oeuvres' or 'They won't let me see the reactor room'. I tell you, there's no pleasing that country and quite frankly I feel that everyone else will have a better time if she just doesn't come."   "I am kind of disappointed that Iran didn't invited us," said State Department spokesman PJ Crowley. "Yeah, if Iran had asked I would have had the distinct pleasure of saying no."   "You see how she is," Ahmadinejad replied with irritation. "Always with the negativity. She says these things and maybe even convinces herself they're true. Next thing you know, she'll probably be trying to talk the other countries out of attending our party, maybe even having a bigger party herself. Well, it may be bigger, but I assure you that it won't be better."   "Iranian parties are crap parties, everybody knows that," Crowley snapped back, going on to deride the inspection party as a 'Magical Mystery Tour'. "These are antics that we've seen from Iran in the past, where they tried to kind of flash a shiny object and said: 'No, don't look over there, look here'. Totally bogus and totally not worth it."   "What?" moaned an aggrieved Ahmadinejad. "America said that? Really? I truly do not understand the meanness of spirit. She says Magical Mystery Tour like it's some sort of bad thing. Of course we love the 'look here, don't look there game', as do many fine countries, but I guess it's just not sophisticated enough for her. But honestly, to deride our shiny things is beyond the pale. Iran has the finest shiny things in the world."

Meet Andy Martin

Here's a bit of interesting news that I missed during the holiday weekend (a good one, too. Happy New Year, y'all) - Andy Martin is running for president! Who is Andy Martin? Well, if you live in Illinois or Florida you might be familiar with him, since he's run for the Senate five times in the former and three time in the latter. He's also made a shot for Governor in both states, and has two previous tries for the presidency. In 1986 he wasn't feeling all that lucky so he just ran for the House in Connecticut. What kind of a candidate was Martin? Here's a cute story; his '96 senate run came unraveled when it was discovered that in his Connecticut House race he had been the candidate for 'The Anthony R. Martin-Trigona Congressional Campaign to Exterminate Jew Power in America'. Floridians apparently felt that was overly verbose.   As you can see from the above Sean Hannity screen grab, he is also an 'Author' and a 'Journalist'. His published output consists of one diatribe published in July 2008 entitled 'Obama: The Man Behind the Mask'. That book was quite influential to a certain audience, that audience initially consisting of Sean Hannity and his listeners. Andy was ahead of the pack with the allegations on Obama's Kenyan birth, Moslem faith, and deep friendship with Bill Ayers. Hannity appropriated the theories for himself and never looked back.   Aside from appearing on Sean Hannity's show, Martin keeps himself busy filing hundreds of lawsuits. His legal success has been roughly equivalent to his electoral success, so I guess Chrissie O'Donnell is right in her assumption that running for office is a decent way to make a living. (Cute story #2: When Martin - who's been banned from filing lawsuits in Florida - filed for bankruptcy in 1983, his petition called the judge "a crooked, slimy Jew who has a history of lying and thieving common to members of his race")   Martin calls himself the 'King of the Birthers', which brings up yet another cute story; after Hannity and the other guys totally ripped off his whole Kenyan thing, he declared that it wasn't true anyway. He revealed that Obama's real father was Frank Marshall Davis. Davis was an American, which is a plus, but also a Communist, so it all works out. No one but CNN ever reported this happy variation, so Martin surely can't be faulted for reclaiming royalty.   "I'm going to have a tremendous impact on the presidential election, not because I'm the frontrunner. Clearly I'm not," Martin observes, in a strained effort to confirm his sanity. "But I'll be driving the agenda in the Republican Party."

Because sometimes you need an illustrator

From the L.A. Times - "President Obama will mark the end of an often tumultuous year with a distinctly lighthearted fete: a family talent show... A Time magazine story said the president one year sang "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" when it was his turn to perform. The first lady opted for a hula hoop display."