the gray aura

"I don't know, maybe I really am a witch," Christine O'Donnell says reflectively, gazing dejectedly at an untouched glass of white wine. "I know that I said I wasn't a witch, and I sincerely meant that, but I guess that it's possible to be a witch without even knowing it. Or at least to exude a negative aura that everybody can see but yourself. Do you see a gray aura to me? Oh, I know, you probably wouldn't tell me even if you did, since that has such a negative connotation, someone who is stuck in a life situation that they can't see a way out of. I used to have a blue-green aura and that was a good thing, but now I can't see it anymore and I feel it must have turned gray on me. I'll bet there's some dark brown in it as well. I feel that must be true."   "A couple of weeks ago, there was this guy named Chris Cillizza who wrote a snarky little piece about how I had had the worst week in Washington, and I thought, that's really cruel. But it had been kind of a bad week to be honest about it. My new book 'Trouble Maker' had just come out and people were either making fun of it or ignoring it all together. And the TV interviews I was getting were not exactly top shelf, like Piers Morgan on CNN, who I'd never really heard of but still felt perfectly justified in sexually harassing. Or FOX, where they put me on with Steve Doocy and those two blonde women, and Doocy kept trying to look up my skirt even though he denied it and those two blonde women just sat there snickering while I wasn't looking. And Cillizza capped his piece off by implying that I was never going to get rich cause my book was only number 3,819 at Amazon."   "And I guess those were the good old days, because when I checked yesterday 'Trouble Maker' had fallen to the 25,083rd bestselling ranks. I've got to admit, I didn't even know they had that many books, and I'm starting to worry cause any day now I'm expecting for St. Martin's Press to ask me for the advance money back, not that it was that much to begin with, and anyway, I've already spent it on two pairs of shoes and a decent manicure."   "I'm still doing book signings, but I'm having to max out my credit cards for travel expenses and it's totally not working - people come around to gawk at me and snicker behind my back, but they don't buy my book and I'm just sitting there surrounded by this stack of books feeling like a freak. I did a signing in Naples a few days ago, two hours I'm there and I sign five books. It would have been six if I had signed this demonology book some little creep handed me."   "Then today, the one thing that I had left to look forward to, a speech to the Tea Party of America in Iowa along with Sarah Palin... they uninvited me. I couldn't believe it. I was one of the original Tea Party candidates, and they uninvited me. They said they had made a mistake, they thought they had an open slot but they were wrong, and that's such a lie, they make the schedule, they can have however many slots they want. And the scuttlebutt out there is that Sarah Palin didn't want anyone that would reflect negatively on her in case she decides to run for president. Maybe she's seen the gray aura, but I've got news for her - your aura is bright red, Sarah, and that's not such a great thing either." "So I'm thinking, it might be time for me to just hang it up, this political thing isn't really working out for me. I can't even say I'm Taxed Enough Already cause I haven't made enough money to be taxed, so I just wish I had that complaint. But... I'm still not old and it's probably not too late for me to meet a guy and get married and have a family... That's a nice dream, I know, but it's going to be tough to find a guy who can't read auras."

Mimi makes a funny

Michele Bachmann's campaign has moved swiftly to stem damage inflicted by the mainstream media's efforts to damn her by using her actual words without the proper subtext. It was widely reported today that in a Florida campaign stop Sunday she told her audience:   "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending."    "Obviously she was saying it in jest," her spokesman Alice Stewart told Talking Points Memo. "I mean, come on, you don't find that obvious? Mimi is using a little of that famous Bachmann humor and, I don't know, all the people there thought it was pretty funny. They laughed like there was no tomorrow, which there might not be unless these politicians listen to God and start to reign in the spending. See, I just used the same joke, and I can't believe you didn't chuckle at least a little."   Stunned by both the criticism and the unsettling sense that their sense of humor was sorely lacking, the mainstream media rushed to make corrections stating that Bachmann had indeed been joking about the storm which killed over two dozen people, displaced thousands of others, left millions without power, and caused billions of dollars worth of property damage. Summoning his inner Youngman, Jonathon Capehart found that Bachmann's remarks actually were pretty darn hilarious, particularly the near perfect sit-com twist where God finds out the unintended consequences of his wacky actions:   "Never mind that the billions of dollars in damages will cause local, state and federal governments to spend money they don’t have for repairs. Thus adding to the morbid obesity diet Bachmann claims God is trying to get the politicians to rein in. Lord, have mercy."   "Um, I guess it kind of takes some of the levity out of things when you put it like that," Stewart said in a follow-up missive. "But you know what's still pretty funny? The idea that people would go on a diet that makes them morbidly obese."

He used to mow my lawn

In other news that most of you have missed, another of al-Qaeda's many Number Two in Commands™ was terminated in Pakistan last week when a CIA drone blew his ass to hell. Atiyah Abd al-Rahman was 41, and had only been a member of the dwindling terrorist group for three days at the time of the incident.   In recent times, the Number Two in Command™ for al-Qaeda has become a largely ceremonial position, sometimes referred to as 'piggy in the middle' due to it's proclivity for ending the existence of those who hold the title. Rahman was an assistant manager at a small electronics store in Islamabad at the time of his 'promotion', but was instantly fired by his boss, a man said to be unsympathetic to the cause.   "Rahman was quite surprised when al-Qaeda made the announcement," said his mother Sally. "He had only sent in his membership application back in June and hadn't even had the opportunity to be a noble foot soldier yet. I told him 'Rahman, no good can come of this, they're killing number twos quicker than they can appoint them', but you know how boys are. He was really looking forward to growing a beard, and I guess he saw this as an opportunity to make a name for himself."   Ironically, Rahman failed, handing in his dinner pail during a news cycle dominated by more exciting disasters such as Hurricane Irene and the candidacy of Rick Perry. There is also a growing tendency to not give a shit about any further victories in the War on Terror until they can be presided over by a Republican president.   "He was always such a quiet boy, and he had those big brown eyes," said a long-time neighbor of Rahman's family. "Of course, everyone in Pakistan has big brown eyes, but his always seemed bigger. And browner, if such a thing is possible. Maybe I'm just being emotional about his unexpected appearance on the worm buffet, but I can't help but feel that if he hadn't assumed room temperature he might have talked some sense into those al-Qaeda people. He used to cut my grass, and all he asked for in return was a glass of water and a few rupees to buy bullets."

Vacation Comix

Whoa! Did you see that shot, Reggie?

Sure did, boss. You really knocked the hell out of that one. You know, the green is just about sixty yards up ahead...

You didn't happen to see where my ball went, did you?

I'm not sure, but it looked like it blew right off of the island.

Huh. The wind must have picked it up. Guess I'd better go with a three iron.

Yeah, whatever... Uh oh, here comes the man.

Mister President, I believe it's imperative that you get off of Martha's Vineyard right away. It's starting to get pretty grim outside.

Eh, it's not that bad. I've still got the wind at my back for the next two holes, and then we can skip ahead to the ninth.

It's my job to ensure your safety, sir. I'm going to have to insist that you prepare for immediate departure.

You're a good man, Agent Smith, but nobody's going to make me leave this island until my vacation is over.

We're going to have to insist that you prepare for immediate departure, Mister President.

Read my lips - No. Negatori. Nyet. Not gonna happen.

We were afraid this might happen, and so we brought someone who might be able to convince you to cooperate.

Barack, for God's sake, listen to Agent Smith. We've got to leave right away. There's a hurricane coming.

Aww, honey, just think of how disappointed the kids would be...

Sasha is hiding under the bed and Malia is just sitting at the kitchen table rocking back and forth.

You know what you should do? Take them down to Martin Square for an ice cream cone.

I can see that we're going to have to use the secret weapon. Send in the Veep.

I'm sorry, boss. The jig is up. We've got Copter 1 waiting - you're going to have to leave.

Joe, Joe, think of what you're saying. If I leave Martha's Vineyard, the terrorists will have won.

You mean the Republican terrorists that didn't want you to take a vacation? Forget about them. This could be the biggest thing to hit the east coast in decades and you need to be back in Washington.

But the... the presidency travels with me. I can do everything here that I could back there.

Not if your communications network is knocked out, you can't. Now let's go. There will be other vacations in the future.

Boss, the wind just blew your hat halfway down the fairway. Want me to see if someone can catch it?

Nah, Reggie, why even bother?

Toledo Rotary Club Town Hall

"...and now that it looks like everybody has been served, I'd like to welcome our very special guest to the Toledo Rotary Club for the first of what I hope will become a tradition of Town Hall luncheons. Please say hello to the tanned and tearful Speaker of the House, the honorable John Boehner."   "Thank you for the introduction, Tim, although I must say I don't feel at all tearful today, being back in the great city of Toledo. Is everybody enjoying their lunch? No? Well, what can you expect for fifty bucks... When I was first starting out, they used to call this the rubber chicken circuit, but what our chef has prepared today certainly can't be called rubber chicken. No, I think it was a pork chop, I'm not quite sure. But it was delicious, and served just the way I like it - room temperature with a nice bottle of water. I kid, I kid, but Jesus Christ, Tim, for fifty bucks a head you ought to be able to put together something edible."   "If I can just point out one thing, Mister Speaker, yours was complimentary."   "Yes it was, Tim, and for that I'm most grateful. Now before I start taking questions, I'd like to make a few brief remarks to this distinguished gathering. There has been a bit of brouhaha in the press lately about the fact that many Republican candidates are charging to attend our Town Hall meetings this year, and I'd like to point out that this is not only the way that real government works, but it's a darn effective way to keep the riff-raff out. At least most of the riff-raff. I say that because I see my old friend Herb Peterson is here today. How's that carton manufacturing business going lately, Herb?"    "Not too good, John. I had to declare Chapter 7 in May."   "Damn that Obama. Still, it can't be too bad if you can still cough up fifty bucks to attend my Town Hall."   "I thought I might have an opportunity to ask you for a job."   "And so you shall, Herb, during the question and answer period. If I call on you. But Tim brings up a good point - a number of hard working Americans are complaining that they're having difficulty making ends meet. Sometimes they complain just a little too darn vociferously, which is one of the reasons for holding these closed Town Halls where I can get together with my constituents in an environment with a certain amount of dignity. And so again, thank you for having me here, and I guess I'm about ready for my first question. Yes, Mister Franklin... Frazenpupil... I hope I'm pronouncing that right."   "Close enough. I was wondering if there were any conditions under which you would ever raise taxes."   "Good question, Frank, and the short answer is no way in hell. But there are scenarios under which I would allow tax breaks to expire, such as the payroll tax break that will end in December."   "I hope that doesn't indicate a willingness on your part to allow the tax cuts on income over $250,000 to expire."   "Heavens no, Mister... Grecklebuger. My goodness, there are some interesting names here today..."   "Yeah, like Boehner."   "No offense meant, Horatio. I've had my name pronounced every way in the book. My point is that allowing the upper class tax cuts to expire is a selective tax increase, which makes it a form of class welfare. Allowing the payroll tax cut to rise, on the other hand, is a shared sacrifice which affects us all equally, and let's face it, with this deficit as high as it is, that's a sacrifice all Americans should be willing to make. Mister, uh, Guido Bigatonlionskioni."   "My friends just call me Mister Big. I import Italian shoes for a living. My concern is that any increase in taxes for the lower and middle classes would make it harder for my customers to buy."   "Well for goodness sakes, Mister Big, Italian shoes can hardly be considered a necessity. I would suggest that you augment your product line with some cheap knock-offs from Singapore. You could really improve your margin and keep your less affluent customers happy."    "Hey, good idea, I never thought of that."   "I suppose that's the reason I'm Speaker of the House and you're a shoe salesman."   "Mister Speaker, could you..."   "I'm sorry, Herb, I called on you earlier. Mister John Smith... Huh... is that your real name?"   "That's right, rub it in that I don't have a big fancy name like everybody else. I guess you don't care anything about the poor."   "I'll take that as a question, John. No, I don't care a whole hell of a lot. In fact, these people tend to irritate me. You see, in America, even when times are tough, there's no reason for anybody to remain poor, it's all a state of mind, it's class envy. Do any of you remember Dick Gregory? No? Well, Dick Gregory used to say 'I'm not poor, I'm broke', and that's the right way to think about it. In Obama's America, you've got a good excuse to be broke, but that's something you can fix at the ballot box... Well, they're bringing out pie and coffee, so let me take just one last question. Mister Felix... Schartzbonker."   "Yes, this Dick Gregory fellow... was he a black man?"

latest Gallup news

The latest Gallup presidential poll has disturbing news for President Obama, showing that if the election were to happen today, it would be totally bogus due to it's being held more than fourteen months early. Nevertheless, if it were to be held outside of the constitutional timeframe, not only would a lot of people forget to vote, but Mitt Romney would defeat Obama 48-46, Rick Perry and Ron Paul would tie him 47-47, and Michele Bachmann would come so close she could almost taste it at 47-44. Gallup did not include other actual or theoretical candidates in their sampling, resulting in a multitude of hurt feelings amongst those who were excluded.   "Holy Hannah, this runnin for president thing is a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be," an exuberant Perry gushed at a South Carolina rally after being informed of the poll. "Two weeks after gettin in I'm already tied with Obama, and I'm bettin that a lot of people don't even know my name yet. Course I'm guessin that it don't really matter as long as my name ain't Obama. I'm a comin for you, Mitt. America's ready for some more good old fashion Texas fundamentalism, and I know you ain't Texan. I don't know if you're a fundamentalist either, but that's a matter between you and your maker, Joseph Smith."   "Governor Perry knows better than to refer to Joseph Smith as my maker," Romney replied in a reassuringly measured tone. "He's simply a prophet, no more and no less, and to suggest otherwise is pure demagoguery on his part. Of course, I'm certain that he doesn't know what that word means, so I'm not holding my breath waiting for an apology. None is really needed, because I see this attack for what it is - jealousy. I'm leading this race and he's stuck back in the pack with crazy old Ron Paul."   Paul immediately responded to Romney's characterization of him as 'old', but as of press time no news outlet had reported on what it was he had to say. Probably something crazy.   "The good news is that Barack Obama is on his way to becoming a one term president," Michele Bachman told a crowd in Iowa, where she has conducted the bulk of her campaign. "Still, I believe that Governor Perry is being overly-optimistic. The people of this great state have already chosen me, and if the rest of the nation decides to send me to Washington in today's election, I promise to be quite magnanimous about it. What? This was only a hypothetical match-up? Whew, that's good news - I should have plenty of time to catch up."   "Happy days, America," tweeted Sarah Palin. "Looks like I don't need to make my mind up before November."

Farewell Address

"People of Libya,  those of you who are still able to get a decent signal on your televisions sets and are sitting on your backsides like cabbages while Tripoli is under siege - you ought to be very ashamed of yourselves. I addressed you mere hours ago, beseeching you to fight the rebels till your last drop of blood had watered the desert, and there you are watching the TV. It is clear to me that you are on hallucinatory pills that have been put into your milk and your Nescafe, and are now riding in the taxis of Al Jadeeda. The only other possibility is that you secretly hope for the collapse of the government of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, and that is a possibility that I refuse to accept so I am sticking with my taxis of Al Jadeeda theory."   "At any rate, your trepidation over joining the battle is causing me great distress. Your drug induced inaction has led to a situation where the rebels now stand in the outskirts of Tripoli. They are in the streets of the suburb of Janzour, which is within our broadcast area, and they could be outside of your very door. If this is indeed the case, please call 911-435-7669 and we will dispatch a soldier as soon as one becomes available. Of course, that will be of no assistance if your roof is currently on fire or if the rebels have already slaughtered you like a dog. Again, that number is 911-HELP-NOW."   "As an alternative, you may wish to try and sober up and actually consider helping now, as your nation is under attack and your assistance would be greatly appreciated. To illustrate my point, how many of you are familiar with Khamis Brigade? Yes, the big base due west of Tripoli where we keep a large portion of Libya's weapons. Guess who controls Khamis Brigade now? It is most certainly not me - is this the face of a man who controls Khamis Brigade? No it is not. As further evidence of our need for your immediate assistance, I might point to the refinery in Zawiya which supplies Tripoli with all of it's gas and oil. I think you know exactly where I am going with that, do you not?"   "You too can make a difference. All you need to do is pick up a weapon and commence slaying rebels. Please, for the love of Allah, pick up a weapon now. I leave you now, hopefully not for the last time, with disturbing words from a man who used to have kind things to say about the Guide of the Revolution, American Senator John McCain. Today he faced the nation and said 'we will soon be rid of a guy who has practiced the worst kind of brutalities'. People of Libya, he was talking about me, and his voice contained not a iota of jocularity. He said that it would be a matter of hours. John McCain is a man known throughout the world for his prognosticatory abilities, and his words are not to be taken lightly, so please, pick up a weapon today and fight until the last drop of blood... Good night and good luck."

undercover candidate

In an amazing admission, Michele Bachmann yesterday revealed the true story behind her five year stint of suing recalcitrant taxpayers taxpayer as a lawyer/agent for the reviled Internal Revenue Service.   "We change the economy by changing the tax code," she told supporters at a rally in North Carolina, before shouting out a sure-fire winner of a rhetorical question.. "How many of you love the IRS?" Nary a soul in the massive throng shouted out an affirmative response, or even raised a reluctant hand, so Michele was free to continue unencumbered by anyone who might disagree with her supposition.   "No! It’s time to change it," she exclaimed, letting those words ring a bit before making her astounding revelation. "I went to work in that system because the first rule of war is ‘know your enemy.’ So I went to the inside to learn how they work because I wanted to beat them."   The audience sat in shocked silence for a moment before reflexively genuflecting. A moment earlier the crowd had thought of her as a disgruntled former employee - now they understood that before them stood undercover agent Michele Bachmann.   "I understood many years ago that there would arise a time when we would need good men and women with the understanding necessary to dismantle the corporate welfare state and replace it with a pure corporate state," Bachman explained. "At the IRS, I sucked their knowledge up. I drank their milkshake. There is no other candidate alive that has the tools and experience that I have. What is essential in war is victory, not prolonged operations. That is another rule of war from Sun Tzu, I believe it's rule number nine. For those of you who might not know, Sun Tzu was a very wise Chinese general from back in the days before China turned Communist."   Bachmann also revealed that she was in possession of other esoteric knowledge which she claimed would help Tea Party Dominionists to reclaim the seven mountains of society.   "People think that it's easy to just waltz in and become a tax attorney at the IRS, but there are many perils along the way," Bachmann told the ever more appreciative multitudes. "When I first got my degree, I immediately sent them my resume, and in less than two weeks they offered me a job. However, in my haste, I had applied to the wrong IRS, which quickly became apparent. The first day they asked me if I wanted to meet the police, and I naturally said sure, I love our hard working law enforcement officers. But when we reached the meeting room, it was The Police, not the police. It suddenly hit me why there were so many record posters on the walls. But I don't regret a thing. Sting turned out to be very nice and now I am the only candidate running who has the requisite skills to write a hit record."

Go Hoyas! No, seriously Hoyas, GO!

The Goodwill Games between the Georgetown Hoyas and various Chinese basketball teams went horribly awry last night when rioting broke out on the court between the Hoyas and Beijing's Bayi Rockets. Both punches and chairs were freely thrown, and the spectators got into the spirit of things by lobbing full water bottles.   "That was crazy, and then it started getting scary when I realized the Chinese don't have plastic water bottles," said Center Henry Sims. "I gotta admit, that was the worst I've ever been fouled."   It might have been the worst, but it wasn't the only foul of the night. By halftime, there had been a total of 39 fouls called, with Georgetown being charged with 28 of them. "Maybe it's just me, but I think the Chinese referees might have been a little biased," said guard Jason Clark. "I don't know, I was charged with two different fouls for running into their player's fists. Maybe that's just Beijing rules, but it didn't seem fair to me." Signs of trouble were everywhere. During the first half, Rocket forward Xu Zhonghao approached Hoyas coach John Thompson while he was giving his players instructions and started berating him.   "I couldn't believe that young whippersnapper," Thompson said after the game. "I've been berated by the best of them, but when you're insulted in Chinese, it seems to sound twice as harsh. And his coach was just standing there across the court snickering." "I should have realized the potential for trouble when the center for the Rockets team said that they were going to stomp us," continued Thompson. "I guess I just wrote it off as Chinese trash talk. We had a little trouble earlier in the game, but then I really started getting worried when I saw the Rocket's coach piling up metal chairs out past the perimeter. That's a bad sign in almost any country."   The entire Hoyas organization ended up fleeing the stadium under a barrage of water bottles with the game tied and eight minutes to go. They were scheduled to play one final game in Shanghai, but Thompson was noncommittal. "I don't know," he mused, "I think I may be just about out of goodwill."

an open letter from Rick Perry

I'm sorry, Mister Paul,  it's not just your imagination, the media really is ignoring you. And I'm going to ignore you too, just as soon as I finish this letter. It's not your fault, not at all. You really have done a heck of a job putting a face on the Libertarian movement, and I believe that before you entered politics - what, thirty-five years ago? - you delivered over 4,00 babies, enough to qualify you for the prestigious Stork Award. And you've certainly made a heck of a case for bringing back the gold standard. LOL, as Sarah Failin' would say.   The fact, though, is that the greatest president in our lifetime... Wait, let me rephrase that, the president with the greatest handlers in our lifetime, was sixty-nine when he took office and he was already getting more than a little feeble in the head. From what I've heard he was a real handful, raising taxes, raising the debt limit about a thousand times, even appointing Alan Greenspan, the inventor of TARP, to the Federal Reserve. The presidency is clearly no office for old men.   Now it hasn't escaped my notice that you'll be turning seventy-six on Saturday, so happy birthday old fella. May you have many more, although I sincerely doubt it. Far be it from me to suggest that you're already as senile as Reagan was when he hung it up, but I haven't heard anybody else yammering on about how it wouldn't matter if Iran was to have a nuclear device. Good God, man, what are we supposed to do for enemies? Taking out those anti-Zionists could be one hell of a boon to our economy if you know what I mean, and I know that you do, cause if my math is correct, you're old enough to remember WWII. At any rate, you must have read about it.   Like Reagan proved, being a relic from a bygone era is not necessarily a handicap to electability. Hell, with the right handlers, you could probably even spin your legalization of heroin bit. Make it a state's rights issue, that's what I'd do, and let me tell you something, hoss, I don't even have a handler.   No, the reason you're never going to be president is that nobody wants a Whiner-in-Chief. I saw you on FOX News yesterday crying about how the media was ignoring you - seems like kind of a bizarre thing to say when you're talking to Hannity, but you're right, you're right. They are ignoring you, but not because of you're crazy eyes. The media eats that up, just look at Sister Bachmann if you doubt it. You've outlived your shelf life, that's your problem, so if you want my advise (and I know you don't), get out of the race now while you've still got some dignity left. Nah, ignore that. It's already a little too late.   Sincerely yours, Rick Perry

Ryan mulls it over

"...so the top graph pretty much speaks for itself in regards to our economic outlook, and what it says is I give up, please stop torturing me with your infernal spending. The bottom chart is consumer confidence since the onset of the Obama presidency - up and down, up and down, it looks like the EKG of somebody having a heart attack, doesn't it? I could explain that to you in more detail, but why would you listen to a lowly congressman like me? You need someone important to explain it, somebody like a presidential candidate. I just pray to God that at least one of the candidates is able to do that for America."   Now that the thrill of Rick Perry's announcement has worn away and America feels a little sullied by the whole thing, the need arises for a new Conservative candidate to arise and rinse our collective shame away in the tepid bathwater of true financial understanding. The unspeakably dreadful news is that Paul Ryan is starting to lose hope.   "Look, the way I see 2012, we owe it to the country to let them choose the path they want our country to take," Ryan tells the Weekly Standard, his dejection deep enough to make him forget the rules about combining a singular noun with a plural pronoun. "I just have yet to see a strong and principled articulation of the kind of limited government, opportunity society path that we would provide as an alternative to the Obama cradle to grave welfare state... Unlike me, these guys, they don't even understand how to plot a path to an opportunity society. I'm not happy to say that, but it's true."   The way the Weekly Standard explains it, Paul Ryan is not only a man who knows how to plot a heck of a path to an opportunity society, but also a man who has stood on the rim of an enormous cliff and pondered the snake dive into the raging river below as a perfect metaphor for a presidential run. The vision so frightened him that he walked away really, really fast, although never breaking into a run because he realized that would suggest panic. Then one day his fiscal mentor Mitch Daniels shocked the world by saying he would not be a candidate, and Ryan stopped in his tracks. Slowly he turned, step by step, inch by inch, until he stood once again on the lip of Niagara Falls.   "People want me to jump?" asks Ryan, not at all surprised by the news. "Well, I keep hearing that and I can't blame them. But you know me, Cautious Paul. There's rocks down there and I could bash my brains out. You know my story and you know my answer - and I haven’t changed it. "Still," he concludes a moment later, "there's fifteen months left." And so a new savior appears on the horizon, one that has vindicated the Weekly Standard and given them the right to conclude their piece with these prophetic words: "No one close to Ryan will say that he has made a decision to run. He is using this family vacation - almost two weeks [sic] away from Washington—to give serious thought to diving off of that cliff."

Gentlemen (and ladies)...

...if I were you, I would suggest just pressing play, keeping this
window open for the next eleven minutes, and having a fine
soundtrack for whatever else you want to do.

Tragedy in Iowa

"Welcome back to 'This Week' from the ABC News department, such as it is. I'm Jake Tapper, and I'm talking to Michele Bachmann, winner of the all important Iowa Straw Poll, as well as Tim Pawlenty, who in spite of his distant third place finish, is the presumed loser. How can that be, Governor?"   "It's relatively simple, Jake. Rick Perry just got in the race yesterday, so he wasn't on the ballot, Mitt Romney didn't run in the state, so of course neither of those guys can be considered the loser. Newt was already considered a loser, so he hardly counts. Huntsman and McCotter, nobody knows those guys."   "The same could be said about you, Governor. I mean, people knew you were running, but you hardly made an impression."   "Touché, Jake. Santorum and Herman Cain were winners by virtue of exceeding expectations. Jeez, I can't believe that Rick Santorum nearly beat me."   "That is pretty sad. Congresswoman Bachmann, you appear to be beaming, as opposed to that brave little smile Governor Pawlenty is forcing."   "I am beaming, Jake, beaming for the people of Iowa and beaming for the people of America who want me to take their country back. But the truth is, I put in a lot of hard work in order to win the Straw Poll."   "I put in a lot of hard work too, Michele. I've been eating nothing but corn dogs and barbecue for weeks now, and I spent up all of my campaign money..."   "Aww, bless your heart... I've got to run and do FOX News Sunday now, Jake, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to drop by and gloat."   "It seemed like an amusing idea, Congresswoman, like the Greek faces of tragedy and comedy. And now here I am, left with just the face of tragedy. Where do you go from here, Governor?"   "I tell you where I'm not going, Jake, and that's back to Iowa. As soon as I finish this segment I'm heading to a Ruth's Criss Steak House for a nice fillet. I need to get this Hawkeye taste out of my mouth. Do you know that I actually ate fried butter last week?"   "It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Do you still see a possible path to the nomination?"   "No, I really don't, Jake. No path at all. The fact is that I'm simply too nice to win."   "I could have told you that, Governor. I think it was pretty apparent back at the first debate when you refused to use the word Obamneycare."   "You couldn't be more right about that, Jake. If I didn't have the balls to repeat a silly phrase like that, you've got to wonder what I was even doing in the ring with Michele Bachmann."   "I've wondered that very thing."   "Well, wonder no more, Jake. We needed to get some lift out of Iowa to have a path forward and... That didn’t happen, so I’m announcing this morning on your show that I’m going to be ending my campaign for president."   "That's an ABC news exclusive, albeit a boring one."   "I wanted to make the announcement on FOX News Sunday, but they were all..."   "All booked up. I know, Governor, but I do want to thank them for the use of Congresswoman Bachmann. What now? Do you go back home and hope the phone will ring, you know, that someone will offer you the vice presidency slot."   "I guess in all honesty the answer is no, Jake. As you might remember, I was considered the leading candidate for VP under John McCain, and then he dropped me at the last moment for Sarah Palin. So I suppose that I'm pretty much dead meat, politically speaking."   "And I guess that leave us with nothing more to say except thank you for doing the show." "Thanks for having me, Jake."

Perry announces, plunges

"I do not accept the path that America is on," declared Texas governor Rick Perry during the surprise announcement that he would be running for the Republican presidential nomination. And right as the rain that he is either unable or unwilling to provide for the parched people of the Lone Star State, there was a perfectly good reason that he could not accept this path - because, as he explained at considerable length, "a renewed nation needs a renewed president, preferably one with the fashion savvy to effortlessly combine cowboy boots with a really nice blazer, but the good common sense to not rub it in by adding one of those string ties favored by the people of my native land."   The two hour and twenty minute announcement went perfectly, without a single outbreak of gunfire from the South Carolina (?) supporters who waited patiently for him to finish talking and serve them the barbecue which was surely their due. And yet, when it was finally over, an instant Rasmussen poll found that Perry's approval ratings had plunged by nearly half and his ranking amongst the other potential candidates had nosedived from 15 percent to 6.   "Part of his fall can probably be summed up as simple Perry fatigue," speculated FOX News anchor Bret Baier. "Here at FOX, we made the decision to stick with his announcement to the bitter end, but by the ninety minute mark, even we were going split screen so we could show footage of Sarah Palin eating fried butter at the Iowa state fair."   "Not impressed," opined Texas congressman Joe Barton. "I've got one question for Rick Perry - where is the rain? Just where is the rain, Governor? Instead of running for president, you should be petitioning the Lord with prayer."   "That boy can do some talking, can't he?" said Dallas native Betty Jo Johnson. "We Texans are notorious for talking big, but we don't trust a man who talks long. We figure they're trying to bore you into submission so they can pull the wool over your eyes and rob you blind."   "Hey, where's my wallet?" chimed in Betty's husband Charlie.   "Over two hours of yakking and I didn't hear him mention secession once," said Minnesota Tea Party patriot Billy Bupkis. "I think Rick Perry showed his true colors today. This is a man who clearly has no interest in seeing his country descend into chaos and disorder. I guess I was supposed to be impressed when he pulled out his pistol, but all I could think was Holy crap, the dude is wearing French cuffs."

one day at the fair...

"Next in line... Hello, little girl. What can I do for you?"   "You can get this creepy man to take his hands off me."   "Hey mister, leave the kid alone. Anything else, little girl?"   "Yes, I want a pork chop on a stick."   "Uh huh, and I want a Swedish massage. You got six dollars?"   "I'm not going to pay to give you a massage."   "You got a smart mouth on you, kid. Next in line... Hey, buddy, what were you doing touchin' that smart-mouth kid? You a pervert or somethin'?"   "No, no, I was feeling woozy and just grabbed her for support... I was just across the way, viewing the butter cow, and then one of the locals bet me I couldn't eat fried butter on a stick... and the next thing I knew my heart was racing..."   "One of the locals, huh? That's a funny way to talk. You one of those presidential candidates or somethin'?"   "Indeed I am. I'm Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah, and I'm running for the Republican presidential nomination."   "You got a smart mouth on you, mister. Ain't nobody by the name of Huntsman runnin' for president. Next in line."   "No, really I am. See that boom mike over my head?"   "That is a tad suspicious... If you runnin' for president, how come I ain't seen you before?"   "Well, that's because I haven't been in Iowa before. As a matter of fact I'm only here now for the debate tonight, and I thought, guess I might as well go see the butter cow."   "She's a real beauty, ain't she? Might be the best butter cow we ever had at the fair."   "Definitely the best I've ever seen... I really need something to get rid of this fried butter taste. What do you have to eat?"   "You got a real smart mouth on you, don't you? We got pork chops. On sticks."   "I guess... let me have a pork chop on a stick."   "I ain't gonna let you have one, but I'll sell you one for six bucks. You got six dollars?"   "Sure, sure, here you go."   "All righty, then. Let me see if I can fix you up... Reckon I'll be seein' a lot of you, now that you decided to run for president."   "No, not really. I don't plan on campaigning in Iowa."   "Don't plan on campignin' in Iowa? That's crazy talk. If everybody thought like you, I'd never get a free breakfast. You don't like Iowa or somethin'?"   "It seems to be a very nice state, but I don't support ethanol subsidies, so I figure it would be a wasted effort."   "You don't support ethanol subsidies? I reckon you must be one of those big government liberals who think you got a right to interfere with our livelihoods by comin' in here and takin' away our ethanol subsidies. You got a real smart mouth on you, buddy, real smart. Here's your six dollars. Next in line."   "Wait, I really need something to eat."   "You might be able to get Gladys in the next booth down to sell you a fried Twinkie if you can learn to keep your mouth shut."

King of All Peters

Republican House Chair of the Homeland Security Peter King sat down with the Sunday papers this weekend and was stunned by what he found inside - an attempt by Hollywood liberals to possibly portray Barack Obama in a positive light.   King read in horror about the left-wing director Kathryn Bigelow, Oscar winner for 'The Hurt Locker', and her plot to release a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden mere weeks before the 2012 presidential election. He knew at once the frightening implication - the Obama administration was obviously passing along highly classified information about the nation's most sensitive military operations.   "You bet your boots this calls for a big-time investigation, and I'm just the guy to lead it" said the angry congressman. "There is wrongdoing afoot here - my scrutinizing senses are tingling like a pocket rocket.   "I was right in the middle of my investigation into New York Times subversive Maureen Dowd when I stumbled onto her shocking story about possible wrong-doing by the president," revealed the Peter King. "These people, these left-wing so-called journalists, they don't think that a real conservative is going to pay attention to the sort of propaganda they write, but they don't realize that some of us are ever vigilant, even on Sunday mornings. Dowd made the amateurish mistake of revealing in print Obama's nefarious plot to pump up his bonafides right before a national election. This film is an attempt to make him look decisive and competent, and that is not an option that the American people can afford to take lightly."   "It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to find that they intend to have someone like Will Smith, someone the public has come to love and trust, play the part of Obama. And I'll bet that Joe Biden will be played by Harrison Ford. Insidious, yes, but that wouldn't surprise me one iota. These are people that have no sense of shame."

like Orson Welles in 1970

Perhaps my most legitimate complaint about the fairness of life is the paucity of awards and honorifics bestowed upon me, a condition which has left me loathe to ignore one, even if it's acceptance will require some small labor on my part.   And so I am compelled to respond to the recognition afforded me by World of Crap - a wonderful blog which is nearly as long in the tooth as FGAQ but none the worse for wear - of the apparently prestigious Liebster Blog award. To demonstrate that I can cut and past every bit as well as WOC's Scott C, I shall quote his quote from Ivan at Thrilling Days of Yesteryear: “Liebster,” in the German and Spanish vernacular, means “beloved”…According to the Liebster Blog Award guidelines, I’m to link to the blog what gave me the award and then pass it on to five equally worthy candidates. Well, that doesn't seem too hard, so here, in no particular order, are five blogs/bloggers which I've regarded with affection for long enough that the relationship can no longer be considered platonic.   Urantian Sojourn - Terry, Propogandee, and Michael are not only surprisingly literate, witty, and knowledgeable about even more than two or three things, they have some of the best graphic skills going. Every time I visit, I marvel that the experience is free, and yet, there is nary a Paypal button in sight.   driftglass - The situation is reversed 180° for driftglass, who offers you the opportunity to donate with each and every offering. The truth is that his work is even worthier of your fiscal gifts than David Fucking Brooks, but it's amazing how easy those little buttons are to ignore.   thestain - Loving Katy is not easy work, and I've been laboring at it for a long time. She will go for weeks without posting one of her hilariously misanthropic pieces, and just when you've given up, there it is, a delicious all you can eat buffet of cruelty.   Zen Comix - Dave cruelly keeps most of his output under wraps these days, attempting to sell it for cash money (the pig), but sometimes he just can't help himself and a stray panel or two will suddenly appear like spring crocuses.   Mock, Paper, Scissors - Tengrain's blog is a wonderfully designed space reminiscent of the late, great Spy Magazine, and that is high praise indeed.   Playing with My Food - For years, I used to read Washington Post sportswriter (now TV personality!) Tony Kornheiser even if he was writing about something I didn't care a rat's ass for, like hockey. Which is kind of how I feel about my buddy Paul H's blog, which consists of dissertations on topics like, uh, smoked meats and artichoke hearts.   Okay, that's six (one more beyond the call of duty), although you could go with pretty much anyone on my blogroll and still have a good time. Now which way do I go for the awards party? And what do you mean BYOB?

renewed resolve

"As Bob Dylan once sang 'Better stay away from those that carry round a fire hose. Keep a clean nose, watch the plain clothes - You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows'. Today he would probably amend that with 'you don't need a rating agency to tell you we need a balanced, long-term approach to deficit reduction:' That was true last week, that was true last year, that was true the day Dylan first sang it. You don't need a rating agency to tell you that the gridlock in Washington over the last several months has not been constructive to say the least. And you don't need a rating agency to tell you that the pump don't work cause the vandals took the handles."   "I realize that after what we just went through, some might feel skepticism that Republicans and Democrats will be able to reach a compromise. My hope is that Friday's news from the mighty S&P gods will give us a renewed sense of urgency. That's my hope, but as Sarah Palin so astutely pointed out, that hopey changey thing isn't working out all that well for me."   "So it's not a lack of plans or policies that are the problem here, it's a lack of political will in Washington. It's the insistence on drawing lines in the sand – a refusal to put what's best for the country ahead of narrow self-interest or party or ideology. And that's what we need to change. But you know, I don't think we're going to be able to change that at a time when the main goal of the Republicans is to defeat me in the next election. That's why I've decided to sit this one out."   "It is without a doubt late in the day to decide that I'm not going to run for reelection. Members of my own party might argue that they won't have time to launch a viable campaign, but there are still five months before the first primary, so it's not completely hopeless. Some of my GOP critics will probably celebrate, saying this gives them a lock on the 2012 elections. Be that as it may, I think this move will clearly signal just how serious I am about rescuing this country's financial fundamentals and finally putting people back to work. This is my grand compromise, and I call on Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell and particularly John Boehner to make the same pledge to assure America that we are giving our full effort to finding solutions. I would call on Harry Reid to do the same, but seeing as he's not up for reelection next year, I realize that it would be a futile gesture."   "With the obstacle of our incumbency removed, we shall now be able to concentrate on negotiation intensely and exhaustively. We will negotiate the issues that face us daily, every day from now until November 2012 if necessary. Weekends, too, with only Christmas and Thanksgiving off. If one of us becomes ill, we will negotiate at the hospital, and if something arises that requires the president's attention, we've always got Joe. I am setting aside living quarters in the White House for when sleepovers prove necessary, and I intend to..."   "Speaker Boehner, Mister Blankfein will see you now... Speaker Boehner? Are you okay?"   "Oh, fine, Mary. I just kind of dozed off there while listening to Obama's remarks."   "Sweet dreams, I hope."   "No, Mary, it was more like a nightmare."

blameless

With America enjoying the relief associated with no longer having to worry about a possible credit downgrade, Republican leadership got right to work on the single most important issue at hand - avoiding any remote suggestion that they might deserve even a scintilla of blame for the the fall from grace with the great gods S and P (deities so fearsome that their full names are rarely spoken aloud).   "The first time I met the president, just a couple days after his inauguration, I tried to explain to him my plan to reduce the deficit," House Majority Leader told the Wall Street Journal in an interview with the fair and balanced headline of 'Obama and the Narcissism of Big Differences'. "He just looked at me with that smug and smarmy little smile of his and says 'Young Eric, elections have consequences and I won'. I was too stunned to reply, 'yeah, Bozo, you might have won, but the rest of us lost'. And now it's easy to see how prophetic my unsaid words would have been, for he has managed to destroy our precious AAA credit rating and plunge us into the hell that is an AA+. Well, I did all I could, but sometimes one man can't make a difference."   Cantor did allow that there was a point where it appeared that progress was being made in negotiations because Biden and Boehner established a rapport, agreeing "not to get flared up over philosophical differences."   "Rapport, what a vile word," spat Cantor. "You might as well call it agreement to surrender, because that's what the Speaker was ready to do. What a piece of work. The other side wanted revenues, they were relentless about it. Can you imagine anything crazier than raising taxes at a time where our credit rating has been downgraded to a double A plus? Now we're going to need tax cuts more than ever."    "Young Eric has a big ego and an even bigger mouth," replied Speaker Boehner. "I guess we all remember who it was that was trying to achieve a grand bargain of four trillion and make changes in our runaway entitlement programs, and it wasn't anybody that might be nicknamed four-eyes. Sure, there was a revenue component, but it really wasn't much to write home about, just closing a few loopholes. It was four trillion dollars, and four trillion is exactly what the exalted Stand... whoops, I almost said their name aloud, but that's what the S&P gods wanted, and you should not deny them their due."   "Look, in the judgment they rendered upon us, S&P said that our governance and policymaking ha become less stable, effective and predictable. They said the threat of default had become a political bargaining chip in the debate over fiscal policy, and I sure don't think you've ever heard me threatening default, unlike a certain four-eyed whippersnapper I could mention."   "I'm listening here. I am not a four-eyed whippersnapper," responded a petulant Michele Bachmann.   "That's the House for you, always squabbling," chuckled Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "I myself said that our tactics in the debt limit negotiations were the new template and that you could expect us to use them again and again. So as you can see,  there's more than enough blame to go around, although I am perfectly content to assign it all to President Obama."

crash

"Hello... Hello? Anybody on the line?"   "...sigh... Good afternoon, Mister President, this is Speaker Boehner... sigh."   "Oh, hi John. What's up? Calling to tell me how anxious you are to do some more negotiating? Ready to take another hostage?"   "...sigh... No..."   "I'll bet you're calling to rib me about getting old, aren't you? Yeah, I hit the big 5-0 today."   "Well, I hit the big 6-0 a couple of years ago, so 50 doesn't sound that bad to me right now...sigh...I guess..."   "What's the matter, John? You're off for a month, I thought you'd be out and about, hitting the links. Aren't you enjoying vacation?"   "I'm not all  that big on vacations... sigh... We've got a real problem, Mister President."   "We've got a lot of real problems. Any one in particular?"    "Surely you must be toying with me... The market...it's really tanking."   "I know, it's brutal. Five hundred points today, a thousand over the past couple weeks. Part of it's a natural correction, but it's really being exacerbated by the mess in Europe. Then of course there's your consumer deleveraging, global commodity pricing, the overheating in China, and a new natural disaster or crisis nearly every week. But just try explaining that to people."   "Our friends on Wall Street...sigh...they're telling me to do something about it."   "They are? Well whatcha gonna do, John?"   "I'm calling you."   "Oh? You know there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I don't have a magic wand."   "I was kind of hoping you did..."   "Well, I don't. What would you do if you were president?"   "I always find tax breaks are a good confidence builder..."   "Uh huh..."   "Our friends on Wall Street really really like them, but I suppose that you wouldn't be interested, would you? Not even for the good of the country."   "Not really."   "Maybe you could go on the TV, give a little pep talk..."   "John, I'm trying to enjoy my birthday right now."    "I know you also enjoy going on television, and this evening would be an idea time. I'm sure the networks would okay it."   "I've got a lot of friends here waiting for me..."   "You could tell the people to go back to their normal investing. You know, like after 9/11, when Bush told everyone to just carry on with their normal behavior."   "Of course nobody did. Oh man, you should smell the chicken."   "What is that? Some sort of weird metaphor?"   "They're grilling chicken outside, John."   "So I'm supposed to tell our friends on Wall Street that Obama grilled chicken while the market burned?"   "Yes, tell them that... I gotta go, John. I just heard a burger calling my name."   "Okay...sigh...Well... happy birthday..."

Congress not broken!

Following the non-nailbiter of a Senate vote to hand over all of the money to the GOP muggers in exchange for raising the debt ceiling and allowing summer vacation to begin, the always optimistic Harry Reed revealed some really encouraging news - Congress is not broken! Booyah!   "What we have gone through has been extremely difficult, but there was never any consideration the Republic would fall," Reid explained, demonstrating that he had a pretty high threshold on the not-broken standard. "Now, taking the long view, you can look back at 1856. Boy, that was one fucked up Congress. In 1856, there was a congressman from South Carolina by the name of  Preston Smith Brooks, and truth be told, he was a bit of a redneck. Probably in modern times he would be affiliated with the Tea Party, but that's just speculation on my part. Anyway, like most southern congressmen of the time, he was pro-slavery."   "At the time, there was a Massachusetts senator by the name of Charles Sumner, and as you might guess from the geography involved here, he was anti-slavery, staunchly so. Well one day, he was giving a little speech and he mentioned Brooks by name, saying that he had taken "a mistress who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him; though polluted in the sight of the world, is chaste in his sight - I mean, the harlot, slavery." This made Brooks pig-bitin' mad, because if there's one thing that he took great pride in it was never going out with ugly chicks, and he vowed he would avenge this wrong."   "He did. Brooks found Sumner writing at a desk in an almost empty Senate chamber, and confronted him. Harsh words were spoken, but really, not all that many, because after just a few he commenced knocking Sumner upside the head with a gold tipped gutta-percha cane. I don't know how many of you have seen one of those, but take my word, it's not something you would want to be assaulted with. Absolutely not. Well, Sumner fell down and got his head trapped under a desk, but Brooks kept beating him with the cane, everything but his head. Brooks finally got up, only to pass out in a pool of his own blood. He never did really recover from the attack, and even when he was able to return to the Senate three years later he was always extremely skittish."   "Now I know what you're thinking, why didn't anyone try and stop this brutal beating. Several did try, but they were stopped by a friend of Brooks, another redneck South Caroling congressman named Lawrence Keitt who kept them at bay with a pistol. And what action did Congress take against Brooks for his egregious actions? Not expulsion, not censure, but a measly little three hundred dollar fine."   "Then, of course, a few short years later, Congress broke down completely and we had a war that was anything but civil. I think that's a very instructive bit of history. As polarized as Congress my seem now, you need to remember that it could always be even worse."