Long distance runner

Smile, Al. If Pawlenty doesn't renege, and Norm doesn't file for a rehearing or a federal appeal, after 239 days the finish line just might be within reach.

sovereignty day

They were shooting off fireworks and firearms across Iraq today, as the country celebrates National Sovereignty Day - the day, of course, when American troops turn over control of the urban areas and pull back a little further into the countryside, where at least they can have a warm beer without someone hollering holy jihad. Camping on the outskirts, our soldiers will be positioned like Batman, waiting for a signal from Commissioner Maliki that their presence is once again needed in Baghdad City. And then - theoretically - they will slowly begin to trickle back home, or at least to other theaters. But it's not what you would call a big whoop over here in the US, as one man is quick to point out. "If we were still in charge of the effort, this day would receive a helluva lot more gravitas," says former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "I tell you one thing, at the very minimum we would have had one boatload of soldiers arriving home, even if we had another boatload heading back at the same time. My God, this administration doesn't seem to understand the first thing about visuals. How are the American people supposed to understand what victory looks like if the only thing they can see on TV is a horde of Iraqi men firing their guns into the sky?" "Victory? You call this victory?" growled former Vice President Dick Cheney, angrily slapping a Barrack Obama bobble-head. "This is not victory, you insufferable old fool." "Calm down, Dick," soothed Rummy. "If you keep smacking that doll like that, you're just going to break it. Look, you just kind of ping it's head... like this. See? But back to the topic at hand, I would assert that this may be called a victory of sorts, at least as far as we wish to make it so. Our war has been won. Our war. And quite frankly, I believe that is precisely why the Obama administration is not giving the day any special attention. Because the victory is ours, not his. Obama is just carrying out the plan that your old boss put agreed to months ago." "That shit-for-brains was never my boss, you senile old bastard." "Well, Dick, that may well be so, but it's quite clear that you weren't his boss either, at least not for the last couple of years. I know that you wouldn't have let him cut my legs out from under me the way he did." "I just might have, you miserable rum bum. That pasty old fuck John McCain had more insight into winning a war than you did." "Temper, Dick, temper. God knows I would hate to see your heart explode on you. One thing that I think you and I can agree on is that we both knew a helluva lot more about winning a war than Junior did." "Damn straight. It's just that I hate to see us waste all the tremendous sacrifice that’s gotten us to this point. And I feel so bad about never getting that oil... The guys will never let me live that one down. 'You invade Iraq and you don't even get their oil?' Ha ha, very funny. At least you don't have to listen to that sort of shit." "True, but getting fired by Junior was humiliation enough." "Bwah hahahahahahaha, you should have seen your face! Still, I guess you're right about one thing. We should treat today as a triumphant beginning of the end to a war we started in order to protect America from the specter of terror. Whatever. And let the truth and circumstances be damned." "We go to victory with the circumstances we have, not the circumstances we wish we had."

Intruders defeated!

From Iran's English language news service. Another black mark against the Mainstream Media. I would've guessed they would have been all over this story.

It's official

The Guardian Council has spoken, after recounting literally bushels of ballots, and there is no longer any doubt about the result of Iran's contentious election. Indeed, the Guardian Council is justifiably renowned for it's counting prowess, and that is really saying something given that they are the products of a culture which not only invented algebra, but also popularized the zero, which, coincidentally, is the number of deviations found from their earlier vote tabulations. "It is as important to be a good winner as it is to be a good loser," newly reconfirmed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told a throng of well-wishers gathered this afternoon outside a mosque in Tehran. "Perhaps even more important since the eyes of a nation are not cast upon the loser. The only things cast upon the loser are stones. Heh heh. I jest, people I jest. Because Hossein Mousavi can in no way be called a loser. He won quite a few votes, approximately the same as the number of known infidels who were formerly registered to vote. Don't worry, my friends, it was a secret ballot so we have no way of knowing who is a loyal Iranian and who is not. Although it might be wise for some of you to remove the Mousavi bumper stickers from your vehicles with haste." A demonstration had been planned near the Azadi Tower, but was cancelled after news of the announcement hit the street. Disappointed protestors drifted away slowly from the scene, many appearing embarrassed by their post-election boisterousness. "I guess I was wrong," said a demonstrator who declined to give his name. "The Guardian Council can count like nobody's business, so as far as I'm concerned, the case is closed. There's a lot of things I could blame for my rebelliousness - the internet, the Western media, and especially that damned Twitter - but in the end it was my own foolishness that caused me to distrust the Supreme Leader. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get on home. There's a bumper sticker I need to scrape off."

Obama reacts to coup in Honduras

Tegucigalpa? What is that, some kind of bean dip? We're talking about health care reform here, so I don't see that... Honduras? Oh, sure... Down there, uh, between Mexico and Guatemala, right? Guatemala and Nicaragua. I knew that. Sure, our little friend to the South. A vital trading partner, and... Okay, took me a minute to shift gears, but I can see how this fits in with health care. Bananas and coffee, two things that help keep you regular. Well, I hardly think it's fair to call them a banana republic even if they do export a lot of bananas. I mean, so do Nicaragua and Guatemala and nobody calls them banana republics... Okay, point taken. I stand corrected. And furthermore, although it momentarily slipped my mind, I do recall that the topic of Honduras came up yesterday. I was in a sand trap on the seventh hole at the time, so I probably did not give the situation my full attention. But yes, Hillary called, and I distinctly remember reminding her not to interrupt me on the golf course unless it was a matter of grave importance. And as you know, it was only Honduras. Nevertheless, when Secretary Clinton told me that there had been a military coup ousting President... uh, Gibbs, a little help over here... No? Nuts... ousting the Honduran President, I remarked something along the line of my disapproval for military coups in general and then I used a wedge to hit a really sweet shot onto the green, rolled within about four inches of the hole and then it kept on rolling and rolling... And the upshot is that I ended up with a double bogey for the hole, so I resolved to put Honduras off until tomorrow so that I could focus on the rest of the game. Uh huh. The Honduran constitution only allows for one term? That's harsh.... The Supreme Court said that? Oh, the Honduran Supreme Court... Well, I said that I would look at the situation tomorrow, which is now today, and by my watch we've still got quite a few hours left to study the matter. So until then, I would advise that you address any further questions to Ambassador... uh, Gibbs, a little assistance please... Gibbs... No? Nuts... the Honduran ambassador.

Kerry working on Palin retort

Senator John Kerry is reportedly holed up in his Massachusetts home with a group of top advisers this weekend in an attempt to come up with a retort with the potential to equal or perhaps even surpass the quip made by Sarah Palin earlier this week regarding the odd shape of his face. The incredibly lame diss-off began on Wednesday when Kerry, speaking about the disappearance of Mark Sanford, reportedly said "Too bad if a governor had to go missing it couldn't have been the governor of Alaska." Lest anyone miss what he apparently assumed was an obscure reference, he helpfully added "You know, Sarah Palin." Never one to resist responding to a wisecrack, Palin took the opportunity of a visit with troops in Kosovo to respond with a feeble witticism of her own. “He looked quite frustrated and he looked so sad. I just wanted to reach out to the TV and say: ‘John Kerry, why the long face?’" "Oh, snap!" exclaimed Kerry upon hearing Palin's comeback. "Sarah Palin really got me with that one. I'm loathe to admit it, but I'll have to give her credit. Sarah Palin's jab was stronger than mine. I particularly admire the way she worked my name right into the joke, rather than tacking it on at the end. I wonder who she's got writing for her." "The senator is working pretty hard on this," said an aide to Kerry. "He's holed up in his rec-room right now, brainstorming. He's an ambitious man. He wants to come up with something even more memorable than the 'long face' line, or even his own missing governor routine, but I've got to tell you, it's a real minefield. So many things are off limit with Governor Palin - her family, her intellect, her appearance... Right now he's focusing on her frozen tundra. I don't know what he'll end up with, but if I know Senator Kerry, by the 4th of July weekend he's going to have a real zinger."

California not instituting a Ponzi scheme

Governor Ponzi The California Assembly this week was unable to pass emergency legislation which would have freed up around 4.7 billion dollars for the cash-strapped state through a combination of spending cuts and deferred payments for public schools. The cuts would have to be made by June 30, because the California fiscal year starts on July 1st, and by law, no cuts are allowed at that point. (I suppose, since Californians are more fond of voting than any other state, that it would take a ballot initiative to change that law). The deferred payments could have begun any time, although given the fact that the state will be bone-dry broke by July 28th, it's kind of a moot point. So it looks like starting July 2nd, the state will begin issuing IOUs (California registered warrants) to vendors, contractors, local governments and taxpayers awaiting refunds, and, unless a large chunk of change is hidden in the state couch, to everybody else beginning July 28. Which is a heck of a lot better than deferring payments. Because with deferred payments, when you get the State on the phone they tell you the check is in the mail, but with these IOUs they send you a piece of paper in the mail that says the check is in the mail. "Well, it does sound exactly like a Ponzi scheme, except that it's not," explains Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Under the system California intends to implement, the recipient of an IOU will be paid just as soon as the state receives the revenue from a different source. In other words, July IOUs will be paid with August dollars, August IOUs will be paid with October dollars, and September IOUs will be paid with dollars we get hold of sometime in 2010. So don't call this a Ponzi scheme, because it's quite obviously not. A Ponzi scheme is against the law, for one thing, while our program is the law. And a Ponzi scheme requires an ever increasing flow of money in order for it to work, while ours... it's not a Ponzi scheme."

Theocracy in action

Well, he is a good friend of Iran's Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. I mean, Khamenei named him as substitute Friday prayer leader, which I gather is a big deal in those parts. And he on the best of terms with Mahmoud 'President' Ahmadinejad, Iran's man with a mandate. So when Ayatollah Ahmad Khatami uses his Friday prayer time to tell the worshipers that he wants protestors to be punished 'ruthlessly and savagely', it's a good bet that somebody has got his back. “I want the judiciary to punish leading rioters firmly and without showing any mercy to teach everyone a lesson.” And I'm guessing that's a lesson that can only be taught once, since al-Jazeera tells us that Khatami wants demonstrators to be charged as 'mohareb', a special designation for those who wage war against God. The penalty for waging war against God, as you might imagine, is death. Stay tuned.

Best be praying for mercy

The guy on the left is Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, leading a prayer service. The guy on the right is in big trouble, just as soon as Khamenei sees this picture.

Thomas troubled by Supremes decision

"This is a sad day for America," said Justice Clarence Thomas, reflecting on a case in which the Supreme Court ruled against the forced strip search of a student suspected of hiding Ibuprofen. Thomas cast the one dissenting vote in the 8-1 decision. "I'm used to being the odd man out, but I must say that I'm disappointed in my colleagues. When we say that a school administrator can't even make a thirteen year old girl show her booty, we are promoting a culture of carelessness. Kids ought to respect there elders. And the school did have a policy of zero tolerance for drugs. What's that? She might have had a headache? Well guess what. I've got a headache, and you don't hear me bellyaching." "How do we know she didn't have drugs in those panties? How would anybody know if somebody didn't make her take them off? 'Take off those panties, Savana Redding. Uh huh, the little bra too. Now shake em, shake em like a Polaroid picture'. Those are words that any authority should be able to say to anyone in their charge, and I'm talking about the workplace as well as the schoolhouse. The supermarket, too, because we all pay the price for shoplifting, and you'd be surprised at some of the things that women are liable to stuff in their panties." "My research shows that panties are the number one place for young girls to conceal contraband. So to say that the authorities were out of line in ordering this young girl to strip, that is utter foolishness. They made her drop her panties because there weren't any drugs in her backpack. Well, where were they? In her panties, of course. The fact that they weren't in her panties is irrelevant. She wouldn't have been the first teeny-bopper to have pills in her panties, and she won't be the last, because this decision effectively says to the young girls of the world 'Stick anything in your panties that you want, because we're not permitted by law to look there'. The fact is, we've just turned panties into no holds barred territory."

Today's Yiddish lesson

yuchna (YUKH-na) - 1. Coarse, loud-mouthed, boorish woman; 2. fish wife; 3. Sarah Palin

Usage: That fercockt yuchna is on page six again, with more of her shmegegge...

The wondrous Appalachian Trail

The Appalachian Trail runs through fourteen east coast states. South Carolina is not one of them.

I was born and raised in the sacred shadows of the Appalachian Trail, and let me tell you - It's not all that.

The Jong Report

"I was as surprised as anyone," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton revealed today to MSNBC anchor Tamron Hall. "But it appears that North Korea has actually followed through on one of their threats. They've wiped the U.S. off of the map." "Technically speaking, I don't think that this would qualify as sticking to their word," countered Hall. "I mean, they had a conditional in there. They said that they would wipe us off the globe if we started another war. But we haven't started another war... Have we?" "Hey, you're the newslady, Tamron, you tell me." "Ha. No we haven't, Madame Secretary, and so I am going to state unequivocally that Kim Jong-il has not followed through on a threat, but has, instead, done something totally unpredictable." "Let me ask you something, Tamron. Is there anything more predictable than Jong doing something unpredictable?" "Uh... that's true. Jong is a real wild card." "Jong is a real shmuck. And what's more, he did this in his usual totally predictable half-assed manner. Check it out - he forgot to wipe out Alaska." "You're... hee hee hee... You're right." "Beroved Reader forgot to obriterate Araska." "Wah hahaha ha ha ha...." "His merciress eraser seems to have missed Hawaii, too." "Hah hee wah hahahaha..." "Rook! I see a ritter piece of Minnesota!" "Bwahahahahahahaha... Stop it, Madame Secretary, you're killing me!" "I'm kirring you, Tamron Harr? Now? Just you wait untir I raunch my pitiress rong-range Taepodong missirs."

Sanford not dead...

...claims to have been meeting with key supporter...

the miracle of compound interest

from the archives

Photographer unknown: from the collection of Margaret Bourke-White "Whatcha thinkin bout, Pa?" "Oh, nothing, Ma. Just reminiscing about the good old days..." "Don't be so down in the mouth, Pa. These are the good old days." "I've seen better." "Well, maybe so, maybe so... You know what we need us? A big ole fire to keep from freezin to death. Sure wish we had some wood..." "Yeah, I know what you mean. That front door sure burned good last Christmas... Remember that?" "I miss that door." "So do I, Ma, but that big ole slab of tin I found at the dumping grounds works pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. Say, I've still got a couple of those tractor tires. What you say?" "Oh, goodie. Fire one of those up and I'll make us a nice cup of hot water. Just cause the government is takin half your social security check doesn't mean we got to suffer." "It's my own dang fault, Ma. I never paid back my student loan, and well... you know about the miracle of compound interest." "A miracle, indeed. But don't go blamin yourself just cause things are feelin a little tight. You just got stoned and forgot all about that student loan." "We both got stoned, Ma... Course then there was that diabetes, later, and all of those heart problems." "Praise the Lord that that was back in the day when you could still file for bankruptcy. Else we wouldn't have this fine shack to shelter us from the storm." "God bless our shack." "He has, Pa, in so many ways." "Yes he has, Ma. We had enough money left last month to get the water turned back on, not to mention those new socks of yours." "These are some toasty socks, Pa. I love em. My little piggies feel like they're in paradise." "Speaking of paradise, I wonder how your sister Eileen is doing." "I'd say that she's probably feelin the glory, Pa." "Well I sure hope so. That two hundred dollars she left us was surely a godsend." "Bought us six and a half shares of GE, it did. Now we're livin the American dream, like everybody else." "Not if the Democrats have their way, Ma. I hear some of em are fixing to vote against extending the capitol gains tax cut." "But we don't pay any taxes, Pa." "Well, we might someday... You and me was just talking about the miracle of compound interest. One of these days that six and a half shares of GE is going to be seven, then eight, and before you know it, the taxman is gonna be banging on our slab and trying to take our capitol gains." "Over my dead body, they will. Just let em try. They won't do it, will they Pa? They won't refuse to extend the capitol gains tax cut, will they?" "Well, they might, Ma. I just don't know. I'd sit down and write my congressman if those darn stamps weren't so expensive." "Don't forget the cost of a pencil." "I ain't forgetting. Say, why don't you and me take us a walk up to O'Malley's and split a beer?" "I don't know, Pa... Can we afford it?" "I hear what you're saying, Ma, but... Thursdays they got their free taco bar, so we can pig out for a buck seventy-five." "Oh, Pa, that sounds so good. I'll just have a sip off your beer and get me one of those free ice waters." "Now you're talking, Ma. It's a wonderful life." "It is a wonderful life, Pa. Sure wish I had me some shoes, though. I hate getting my new socks dirty." "Well, Ma, Christmas is right around the corner..." "You been lookin at the Goodwill?" "Not me, Ma, but maybe Santa has."

Queen Margrethe regrets

"Bhakk... Bhakk... Enough, somebody get me a glass of brandy, pronto," said Denmark's Queen Margrethe, exhaling a cloud of bluish smoke from her unfiltered 'Queen's Original'. "I've got to quit smoking these things, they are completely brutal. Jeeves, run down to the market and get me a carton of Snowflake Menthols." "You know, House of Prince introduced this brand of cigarette in honor of my ascendancy to the throne, and for the life of me I cannot fathom what they were thinking about. They most assuredly are not at all regal; even the common people insist on filters these days. And they taste like horseshit." The Queen is in a beastly mood today, and with good reason. The once mighty Danish Empire, already a mere shadow of itself, has now melted away to nothingness, as Greenland wings it's way to total independence. "God, we've fallen a long way from the days of Canute the Great," moans Queen Margrethe, swatting away the snifter of Carlosi Grande Reserva and opting for the bottle instead. "But the thought that we would lose Greenland... On my watch... It's almost more than I can bear." "The thing about Greenland, or perhaps I should say, the thing about Naala... Naalukhu... Naalakerak... Whatever the fuck they're calling it now... Oh Christ, I can't even pronounce the name of my old colony any more." The Queen bursts into a torrent of frustrated tears, which is understandable when one considers that her former prized possession has just rechristened itself as Naalakkersuisut. Regaining her composure as Jeeves returns bearing Snowflake Menthols and a handkerchief, Margrethe soldiers on. "The point I was trying to make, before I stumbled on that awful name, is that our former colony was quite large. Populous, no. Rich, heavens no - we had to give them 3.4 billion kroners a year just to keep them in snowshoes. The godforsaken land wasn't even green. But for an island, it was really quite large." The soothing relaxation that's in every pack of Snowflake Menthols begins to cast it's spell, and the Queen settles into a mood of hopeful resignation. "Oh well," she sighs, "at least we still have the Faroe Islands."

GOP claims foul play with fly

"Yet another Democrat president in trouble because of his fly," lamented Republican Senator Lindsey Graham, grimly assessing the situation on ABC's "This Week with Stephanopoulos". Graham was addressing a charge made yesterday by RNC Chairman Michael Steele, who claims that President Obama's celebrated insecticide earlier this week had been a fraudulent display designed with the sole intent of convincing the American people that he possessed godlike powers. "Obviously, a display of agility such as Obama seemed to show is something that is going to astonish people, yes," said the South Carolina Senator. "That's what it was calculated to do. The way Michael explained it - and I won't attempt to replicate his colorful lingo - after Obama's interview on CNBC, one of the staffers retrieved the fly to take home as a souvenir, and when he took it to a taxidermist to have it mounted, they noticed right away that something was seriously wrong with it. I mean, obviously it's little legs were crushed, but they noticed that the fly's eyes were unnaturally red. That's when they called up Mister Steel. He boxed it up and took it to a lab in Bethesda where they discovered that it had an extremely high level of Phenobarbital in it's system. It's clear to me that the President used a highly impaired fly to perpetrate fraud against the American people." Looking skeptically at Graham, Stephanopoulos hesitated before asking a follow-up question. "Is there... Can you... Why the hell would a taxidermist call the chairman of the Republican National Committee to report a fly with odd colored eyes?" "I hope you're not trying to impugn the reputation of our chairman, George," Graham shot back. "It wasn't just the eyes, it was also the odor. The taxidermist said that the fly smelled like drugs. Who would you have had him call?" "I would... That's ridiculous. And... Who in their right mind takes a fly to a taxidermist in the first place, Senator?" "There you go again, George. You liberals always want to change the subject whenever anyone dares to try and cast a little light on the 'chosen one'. I suspect that the American people might see this matter a little bit differently than you do. I'm not suggesting that this is an impeachable offense, but if we can't trust the President on a matter as small as a fly, why should we trust him on a major issue such as health care?"

Supreme Dick has had just about enough

Iran's Supreme Dick, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, declared today that he has "had just about enough of these unruly protestors raising a ruckus in our city streets with all their chanting and negativity and behavior that in general is embarrassing to our great nation in front of a whole world that is watching." "I promised there would be bloodshed if these protests continued, and I am nothing if not a man of my word," the Supreme Dick told an assembly of Iranian clergy. "I have tried being conciliatory, double checking the ballots for irregularities, and still the protests have continued. I have issued tear-gas warnings and broken out our mighty water cannons, and all I get in return is a crowd of wet and weepy-eyed dissidents. And so today, my patience exhausted, I am unleashing The Basij." "Oh no," cried half a million protestors, "not The Basij." The Basij (or Nirouye Moqavemate Basij if you want to be formal) are an interesting group of assholes, possibly unique to post-revolutionary Iran. Primarily made up of mid to lower class young Iranians, they are a loosely organized group of volunteers, and I don't use the word 'loosely' loosely. Depending on who is doing the estimating, they have somewhere between four hundred thousand and twelve million members. They perform a variety of functions: organizing religious ceremonies, assisting in emergency management, and the always vital work of acting as Iran's morals police. So if you find yourself in trouble for being immodestly dressed, young lady, chances are you've been besieged by The Basij. The very most important thing that The Basij do is run amuck, which they do with great abandon. During the Iran-Iraq war, where they first came to prominence, they were really good at charging onto battlefields and using their bodies to locate the mines, or acting as human waves to absorb a lot of the enemies' spare bullets. They take their orders from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, but they wear no uniforms or identifying markers, which explains why so many of the visuals emerging from Iran look like citizen clashes. But it's easy to tell: The Basij are the ones with the truncheons and iron pipes. "Oh yes," replied the Supreme Dick, "The Basij. Allah's own little hooligans. Let the whole world take a gander at this."

Yer Friday Funk

Low Fidelity Allstars - 'Battleflag'

Complete Friday Funk

Have Mercy, Mister President

In the wake of yesterday's brutal and grotesque display of presidential insecticide, PETA is recommending KATCHA BUG!™ Yes, Katcha Bug™. From the same folks who brought you Mouse-Be-Gone comes the amazing new Katcha Bug™, the humane bug catcher. Just gently place Katcha Bug™ over that pesky fly, slowly close the plastic trapdoor, and you're well on your way to returning Mr Cholera back to the wild where he so rightfully belongs. That's Katcha Bug™, available only at the PETA superstore!

She's a rebel

Renegade Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachman is prepared to strike yet another blow against the empire by publicly stating that she intends to refuse to answer all the questions on her 2010 census form. "Hell no, I won't go," says the GOP Bad Girl. "I won't go through this sort of subjugation at the hands of a petty dictator and his ACORN minions, no matter what threats they may hurl my way. I've got a few hurling devices of my own." ACORN, of course, is the insidious group of 'community organizers' notorious for putting Barack Obama, one of their own, into power through a combination of voter fraud and intimidation. Obama rewarded them for their duplicity by putting them in sole control of the 2010 census, a move which created over 400,000 high paying taxpayer-funded jobs. No one knows exactly what ACORN intend to do with America's valuable private data, but it is expected to be pure evil. Besides, as Michele points out, filling out a census form is hard. "The questions have become very intricate, and very personal. My God, take a look at this form. What is your race? What is your age? What color panties are you wearing? Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" "I'm striking a blow for freedom. You can call me a rebel and I'll take that as a badge of honor. Let them send the Feds out and try to make me answer. They'll get my demographic data when they can pry it out of my cold dead fingers." Bachman's show of bravado was slightly undercut when it was revealed that her husband Marcus does all the family paperwork.

Iran goes bonkers: Pro-government rally draws thousand

From the L.A. Times: The loyalists' gathering was heavily advertised on state-controlled TV and radio, urging Ahmadinejad supporters to show up in force as a display of popular support for the president and against "looters and arsonists." Those assembled chanted: "Death to America!" "Death to Israel!" "Khamenei is our leader," referring to Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. It was an impressive crowd, numbering in the tens of thousands, but not nearly as dramatic as the massive unauthorized opposition demonstration that took place a day earlier in Azadi Square. "Hey, Mussar, it looks as though we have gotten quite a good sized turnout for our big pro-government rally. It is such a nice day for it, too. ARREST THE RIOTERS!" "Oh yes, although any time I get a paid day off from work, I consider it to be a very nice day. DEATH TO ISRAEL!" "I figure that we can probably shout a few more slogans and then knock off for the rest of the day. No one should notice our absence in a crowd this size. LONG LIVE KHAMENI!" "ISRAEL SUCKS! Indeed, they should not miss us at all, Sadeq. I saw a report on IRIB-TV that our rally is four times the size of the looters and arsonists rally." "That hardly comes as a surprise, Mussar, as there is often a heavy price to pay for being a looter or arsonist in modern Tehran. DEATH TO AMERICA! Still, this is undeniably quite a massive rally. I suppose that this must be what it was like to be at Woodstock." "Really, Sadeq? Woodstock? Sounds like somebody I know has been watching that illegal cable TV feed again. KILL THE JEWS! Not that I am one to criticize. But on another topic, why do you shout 'Death to America'? I thought that Iran was striving towards a new rapprochement with America. And I certainly do not recall that being on the approved slogan list." "It's not? KHAMENI RULES! My mistake then, although in my defense, I have heard several other citizens shout it. I suppose I should pay more attention to politics, but between my job and my insolent wife Bashia, I sometimes lose track of these things. But on another topic, may I ask why every single slogan that you shout has to do with Israel?" "I guess I just hate the Jews, that's all. Speaking of slogans, have you noticed that there was not a single one about President Ahmadinejad on the approved slogans list? Do you think that was an oversight? DESTROY THE ZIONISTS!" "Not at all, Mussar. Any fool knows that the President does not have any real power. AYATOLLAH ALI KHAMENI IS OUR LEADER! As my slogan might indicate, the president of Iran is just a figurehead, much like the Queen of England." "The Queen of England is just a figurehead? Oh... I did not know that... SMITE THE YAMAKA WEARERS! So tell me, Sadeq, why is it that we even bother to vote for the president?" "DEATH TO THE INFIDELS! Do not be coy with me, Mussar. I voted for Ahmadinejad for the same reason you did - the three free months of cable TV."

Wiped Out

RIP Bob Bogle, lead guitarist for legendary surf rock band The Ventures, dead at 75.

McCain Declares Iranian Election Fraudulent

After a couple days of muffled silence following the Iranian presidential election, a consensus has been reached within the head of Senator John McCain, who this morning revealed that the reelection of of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a tragic hoax. “The reaction of the Iranian people shows their discontent with this regime,” McCain told FOX News. "It’s really a sham that they've pulled off and I hope that we will act." McCain did not reveal the sources of his revelation, or how the sham was pulled off, or what we should do if his hopes of acting achieve fruition, or even who he meant when he referred to 'we'. The 'we', however, was seen as an all encompassing 'we' which included not only Republican Senators but also Republican Congressmen and a smattering of Republican Governors, all of whom were briefly in agreement with McCain by11:00 AM EST. "The Iranian election is a fraudulent travesty," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "It's a travesty because it's not what we had hoped would happen, ipso facto." As of a week ago, with Hossein Mousavi looking as though he might pull off an upset victory, the conventional Republican wisdom had been to pooh-pooh the relevance of any regime change, since any fool knows that Ayatollah Ali Khamenei holds all the real power in Iran and the president is just a puppet. Within moments of McCain's pronouncement, any fool had apparently forgotten that insight, with Ahmadinejad swiftly recapturing his role as the face of pure evil. Ever the contrarian, Rush Limbaugh this afternoon declared himself delighted with Ahmadinejad's re-election, noting that "it's not at all surprising that John McCain would make a statement such as his latest bit of blather, since the Maverick has been wrong on virtually everything else over the past few years. But the truth is, Ahmadinejad is the devil we know, and his reelection frees us from further fraudulent talk of hope and change that the Obama administration would be trying to flummox the drive-by media with had Mousavi gone on to victory. Any fool should know that Ayatollah Ali Khamenei holds all the real power in Iran and the president is just a puppet. So I repeat that I am delighted with Ahmadinejad's election because it inoculates the American public from the possibility of falling for any further attempt at deception." "Furthermore, this election offers proof positive that Obama is failing to recreate the world in his own image. As I hoped that he would fail. As I assured you he would fail. Obama's apology tour has not worked in Iran, much as it will not work in the rest of the world, and soon, as Reverend Wright would say, America's chickens are coming home to roost. But there is a bright side to come out of all of this. We will build a new conservative majority, a new shining city on the hill, out of the ashes of Obama's devastation of America." "What Rush just said," responded the Republican Party. "Any fool knows that," agreed Sean Hannity at the top of the hour. "Amen," said Hannity's very special guest, Newt Gingrich. "It's time to take the apology tour off the road," said Mitt Romney, pretending to be on the show. "It's obvious that this was a rigged election and deprives the people of their democratic rights," said McCain, speaking from Washington via phone. "Get off my phone line, McCain," responded Hannity, hanging up on the confused old senator who just doesn't seem to understand politics anymore. "We only had him on with Steve Doocey," said FOX News in an official statement, denying any attempt to take McCain seriously.

Mahmoud asks for calm

What's this? My opponents shout protests from the rooftops? And that is newsworthy, because of what? Oh my, perhaps I should remind the world what very fine rooftops we have in modern Iran... They are not at all like American rooftops which are inexplicably slanted downwards, rendering the entire prospect of shouting protests from them a precarious task at best. I've seen it on the CNN television network - an American begins to protest, perhaps shouting 'Death to the infidels', and the very next moment they are tumbling ass over head until their inevitable fall to the gutter. It is quite amusing to observe, although one can not avoid the feeling of empathy that ensues. Our rooftops, by contrast, are nice and flat, the perfect setting for a lovely white wrought iron table (black gets far too hot during our undeniably warm sunny season) and a couple of comfortable and fashionable canvas chairs of the type that can be found at Debenhams (not Jews) for popular prices which most Iranians can easily afford. So, shout away, Iranian protestors, because you are momentarily free to do so. Your cries are much like the passions expressed after a soccer match, not unlike the ones that shall soon be heard from the undefeated South Koreans when we whip their overrated team like a red-headed stepchild.

KRAUTHAMMER

news you might have missed

By a vote of 96-0, the West Virginia House of Delegates has passed a resolution naming bituminous coal as the official state rock.

Yer Friday Funk

Ohio Players - 'Love Rollercoaster'

Complete Friday Funk

Jews admit it

In a stunning move, The Jews have claimed sole responsibility for blocking Reverend Jeremiah Wright's access to former parishioner Barrack Obama. This come after an interview on Tuesday, where Wright told the Newport News Daily Press that he hadn't spoken to Obama since the election because "Them Jews ain't going to let him talk to me." Rabbi Hiram Goldberg, spokesman for HJWDCMFTMW (Hondler Jews Who Don't Care Much For That Meshugeneh Wright) said that his group was part of a larger cabal organized and headed up by White House Jew in Chief Rahm Emmanuel, the name of which Goldber refused to reveal. "What, you want I should ver derharget? I could tell you, but you might wake up with a loch in kup. Let's just say that the Hondler Jews have a limited mission, a shtikl of the gantzeh megilleh. We keep that alter kocker Jeremiah Wright away from the President, that's all. Believe me, the Balebatim doesn't need to be hearing all of his farshlugginer kibosh." Goldberg laughs aloud at Wright's statement that "They will not let him to talk to somebody who calls a spade what it is." "What? What? What's he trying to fumfer out of his pisk? Someone who won't call a spade a sturdy digging implement with a flat blade? What? I'll call a spade a spade, and I'll call a shpiel a shpiel, which is exactly what you're getting from this shmendrik. Feh. Reverend Wright, show some saichel. You don't want the tsuris that the HJWDCMFTMW can deal you."

Mean Woman Blues

Don't you dare talk to Karl Rove about heartache. He knows all about heartache. You know that redheaded vixen Maureen Dowd? Huh. Sadly, neither does Karl Rove. I mean, really know her. "I actually went to an editorial board meeting at The New York Times," the man once semi-affectionately known as Turd Blossom tells FOX News, causing shudders throughout the newsroom. "[I] wasted a couple bucks on some flowers to give Maureen Dowd ... give her a smile on her face. And that didn't even work," he continues, his face the forlorn essence of his sadly spurned desire. "This is a dour, downbeat liberal." So sad. So lonely. So tragically forlorn with naught but pudding in his pants. "I think Maureen Dowd is a bitter, twisted, deranged columnist for The New York Times who misses no opportunity to show her disdain for the conservative side of the aisle," moans the crumpled man who once occupied the catbird cubicle on that aforementioned aisle, a cubicle whose gilded door the knocks now seldom sound. "You know, I feel like the late great Elvis Presley in that movie 'Loving You', where he goes to the supper club and sings his heart out and he dances up a storm, and you know, he still doesn't get the girl." Pausing, defeated. "Well, yeah, I guess he does, but it isn't until the very last reel."

hack job

Howard Arenstein at CBS News reported yesterday that Israeli TV newscasters Tuesday night interpreted a photo taken Monday in the Oval Office of President Obama talking on the phone with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as an 'insult' to Israel. See, the reason why they might be insulted is that the White House photographer took a picture of Obama talking to Netanyahu while he had his feet on his desk. And his feet were pointed towards the camera*. Which, I suppose, must represent Israel. They saw the incident as somewhat akin to an incident last year, when the Iraqi reporter threw a shoe at President Bush in Baghdad. Wow. That's quite a stretch, isn't it? But I guess both incidents did involve footwear. It is considered an insult in the Arab world to show the sole of your shoe to someone. It is not a Jewish custom necessarily... But, but... ...but Israel feels enough a part of the Middle East after 60 years to be insulted too. Doh! Was there a subliminal message intended from the White House to Netanyahu in Jerusalem, who is publicly resisting attempts by Mr. Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to force Israel to stop any kind of settlement activity in occupied territories once and forever? That's it! It was a subliminal message, and a damn clever one. You know what would have been an even more insidious subliminal message? If they had doctored the photo just a little, kinda like this... Still, what an extraordinary tale of hyper-sensitivity. Except that it doesn't seem to be remotely true. Arenstein doesn't link to the offended newscasters, of course, and I can't find me a single inflamed Israeli pundit anywhere. Oh, there are plenty of follow-ups out there, but they all bemusedly refer back to the CBS story, which must mean that the only person to pick up on this pointed subliminal message is Howard Arenstein, who may have 99 problems, but an editor isn't one of them. *Or Mecca.

Uptick forecast in Terrorist imports

Furious at the totally expected news that GITMO inmate Ahmed Ghailani has been brought to New York for trial, House Minority Leader John Boehner fought back tears as he relayed the unspeakably traitorous conspiracy that he has uncovered with the aid of his side-kick, Boy Wonder Eric Cantor. "This is the first step in the Democrats' plan to import terrorists into America," said the doe-eyed bronzed god. "What is step number two? Step two is to release them into communities across American where they can brutally kill innocent men, women, and children... at will... especially the children..." "Here, John, take my handkerchief," said the steely-eyed Cantor, his face frozen in a scowl of grim determination. "While TanMan here regains his composure, let me elaborate a little bit on his shocking revelation by offering you an even more shocking revelation." "Terrorists spend years trying to sneak inside our borders, and bringing them here ourselves is utterly counter intuitive," Cantor said in a voice that can only be describe as a loud whisper, which might seem counter intuitive, but really, it was one of those whispers like the sports commentators use during a golf tournament when the truth is they aren't anywhere near the action. That kind of whisper. "Of course, it only seems counter-intuitive because my esteemed colleague did not give you the complete picture. The Democrats do not in fact plan to release terrorists into communities across America. They intend to release terrorists only into Red states. See? Suddenly it's a lot more intuitive, isn't it?" "Begging your pardon, Eric," said Boehner, now fully recovered. "Ahmed Ghailani is going to New York, and the last time I checked, that wasn't exactly a Republican stronghold." "May I respectfully ask just what the hell sort of a Minority Leader you think you are," shouted Cantor, his whisper no longer technically a whisper. "You're doomed to stay in the minority with a negative attitude like that. Don't you know that last night, in the first step of our march to victory, the GOP seized back control of the New York Senate? Didn't you know that? And then, today, all of a sudden we've got a madman stalking through the suburbs of Albany! This is a warning shot, you idiot, a shot across the bows!" "There's no need to get so emotional," said Boehner, fighting back bitter tears of betrayal. "Listen, Eric, this..." "Mister Cantor, if you please." "Well... all I'm saying, Shortstop, is that this transfer was planned well in advance of the first step of the Republican victory march." "He's only the first terrorist," shot back Cantor, "they've got 240 more ready to go. And that's just at Guantanamo Bay. After that, they'll start bringing over all the detainees from Iraq, all the detainees from Afghanistan, all the detainees in Yemen and Togo and Saudi Arabia and lands of which we are not at liberty to speak. That's got to be at least 50,000 more terrorists out roaming the streets of Obama's failed Socialist state!" "There's no need to exaggerate," replied Boehner, now acting in his capacity as the voice of reason. "By exaggerating, you're just giving ammunition to our opponents. The truth is, I don't believe we're holding any terrorists in Togo."

Vote, just to keep in the habit

Just voted in the Virginia Democratic primary. There were half a dozen people in the polling place, all of them working... Oh well, of the three candidates for the Governor's race - Creigh Deeds, Bill Moran, Terry McAuliffe - they are all decent enough chaps. I voted for the carpetbagger, McAuliffe, primarily because the GOP has signaled that they plan to pour a lot of resources into Virginia as part of their hoped for 2010 comeback, and if anyone could pool the resources to counter that, he would be the one.

600,000 jobs, comin' right up

Giving full credit for the idea to daughters Sasha and Malia, President Obama today unveiled his plan for creating 600,000 new jobs while simultaneously saving General Motors and offering America a delicious frozen treat. The government is ordering 200,000 clean-energy electric ice cream trucks, which are already rolling off the assembly line at the retooled truck assembly plant in Flint, Michigan. The now booming plant has rehired most of it's laid off employees and hired eight hundred new workers to assist in the massive production order. "We expect these jobs at GM to become permanent, as more and more Americans recognize the promise of a career in mobile vending," Obama told a jubilant crowd of congressmen as they sampled the patriotic red, white and blue Uncle Sam Custard Cones. "And the growth doesn't stop here. There are many other delicious items which can be sold from the inside of a truck - pizza, Italian sausages, and chicken cordon bleu are just a few that come to mind. But what we are really selling here is hope, economic security, and mobility." The new Chevy Cartona Cruiser, with a starting price of around $24,000, will come with a variety of custom options, including full freezer compartments, deep fryers, hot dog rollers, and jumbo rotisseries. Outdoor speakers and GPS will come standard. As part of his youth outreach, 125,000 teenagers will be hired as vendor trainees, with their experience counting towards college credit as 'Intro to Business'. Another 125,000 adults will be hired as 'truck bosses', and will have the option of contributing a portion of their salary towards a tax-free FOP fund. (Future Option to Purchase). Marketing, legal, mechanical, and administrative hires are expected to bring the total jobs gained to around 600,000. "But it could be many more jobs than that," Obama stressed. "Honestly, if the American people like ice cream as much as Sasha and Malia do, these things should pay for themselves."

North Korea cries foul

A rare protest broke out in Pyongyang today following the conviction of two American journalists. Television reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee were found guilty of unspecified 'hostile acts' and illegally crossing the North Korea boarder, and sentenced to twelve years in a labor camp. As many as seventeen protestors gathered in front of the shuttered Pyongyang Tourism Center before heavily armed soldiers arrived and proceeded to beat their heads in. In spite of the starving demonstrators plaintive pleas, none of them were arrested and sentenced to labor camp, which many consider to have been the dissidents primary goal. "It's just not fair," said sympathizer Kim Lonn, whose head was bashed in shortly after speaking. "At the labor camps, it is said that the prisoners eat each and every day, while the ordinary citizens of North Korea consider it great fortune to get two bowls of rice a week. And to call these glorified day spas labor camps is a cruel joke. We see these so-called prisoners 'working' on the streets of Pyongyang - one will be filling a pothole while seven or eight others watch and smoke government cigarettes. And then they get to knock off for the day when the sun sets. I tell you, it makes my heart ache to see these foreigners in their fancy prison garb treated to a glamorous lifestyle far out of the reach of the average Korean worker."

Clinton remarks receive mixed reaction

North Korea reacted strongly a couple of time today after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's contention that the starving nation might be placed back on the highly exclusive listing of terrorist enablers. Speaking earlier on 'This Week With Stephanopoulos', she noted the even though President Bush had revoked their membership, the Obama administration would be taking a look at reinstating them on the List O' Shame. "Obviously, they were taken off of the list for a purpose, and that purpose is being thwarted by their actions,” Clinton said. Kim Jong-Un, North Korea's young dictator-in-waiting, took the opportunity to issue his first official pronouncement. "This is quite a great day for North Korea," Jong-Un told the DRNK Central News Agency. "To be placed on such an elite list is quite a special honor, and we applaud the United States for this eloquent effort to appease us. It's such a thrill to join our esteemed colleagues like Sudan, Iran, and Syria, even Cuba, although they've gotten a bit soft the past couple of decades, but what the heck, we're just proud to be part of the club." Less than sixty minutes later, still-acting-dictator Kim Jong-il appeared live via broadcast from Kwangmyongsong-2, North Korea's imaginary satellite, in which he put a markedly different spin on Secretary Clinton's statement. "Do not risten to the foorish words of my brainress son, who should not be tarking to the press without my authorization. He fayrs to understand the sort of devirs with which he is dearing, and he apparentry has not the srightest idea of what the Rist O' Shame is. Hirrary Crinton in a mortar enemy of the North Korean peoper, as is the entire criminar Obama administration. I warn the American peoper that if their reckress government dares to put us back on their ridicurous terrorist rist, we wirr meet that action with pitiress retribution, and unreash a riving herr such as you can barery begin to imagine. And as for Kim Jong-Un, who wirr one day be the Beroved Reader, he's got a rot of expraining to do."

Beep Beep Love

Courtesy Wade T, Groupo Sportivo 'Beep Beep Love'
pure pop perfection circa 1977

A gazillion minus one

Update: Cape Man has been arrested, picked up in the parking lot of the Riverside Casino in Laughlin, Nevada. Possibly arriving in Washington DC only to find that the President was currently in Europe, Daniel James Murray apparently decided to go to Vegas for the weekend, but upon learning of his sudden notoriety, opted for Laughlin instead. He was not wearing his cape at the time of arrest.

"Like we said before, this was just one of a gazillion cases," said a Secret Service spokesman, confirming our suspicion that there are more right-wing nutballs than you can shake a stick at. "But at least now we're down to slightly under a gazillion. Whoop, hold that thought... I just got another text message."

Cape Man still at large

"My husband and I thought he had some problems, but I didn't know someone like that would have guns." - the neighbors More information is surfacing about 36 year old Daniel James Murray, the New York fugitive being sought by the Secret Service for threats against President Obama. He's mentally ill, which was rather obvious from the earlier reports, and has been in and out of mental hospitals for the past ten years. Which of course beggars the question of how he's been able to legally obtain at least eight registered handguns. Because his assassination threats aren't the first time he's ever shown off his dark side. From The Saratogian, we find that Murray was arrested in 2002 for threatening to blow up a grocery store. He was arrested on January 16, 2002 by the Saratoga County Sheriffs Department and charged with first-degree falsely reporting an incident, a felony. According to a sheriff’s report, Murray called the sheriff’s department that afternoon saying he planned to blow up the Hannaford Plaza. The report, filed by Sheriff’s Investigator Kevin P. Mullahey, goes on to say that Murray also reported “he was armed and would kill himself.” Murray “implied that his vehicle… was filled with explosives and would be activated,” the report continues. See, he only implied that his car was wired to explode, and so he was able to cop a plea bargain and only get three years probation. ("No way officer, I just called up to say that Hannaford Plaza really blows.") Murray did so well that he was released from probation a year early, moved into his parent's place with the glow in the dark cross, and became know around his Rexford N.Y. home as Cape Man. "A couple of years ago, we started noticing a guy walking down the street waving his arms and talking to himself," said neighbor Leighnann Nastasia. "He wore a cape."

Daniel James Murray

The Secret Service is on the lookout for Daniel James Murray, a New York transient who claims to be part of a mission to assassinate President Obama. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he has recently been spotted in, oh let's see, Utah, California, Georgia, Iowa, Oklahoma, maybe Texas, and definitely New York. He may be armed with at least eight registered firearms (and X unregistered weapons), a really fat wallet, and (this is just an educated guess, based on his recent travel agenda) a sizable stash of Meth. On May 19th, Murray opened a savings account at Zion's First National Bank in St. George, Utah with a $85,000 dollar check, which didn't seem to raise any eyebrows, even though he asked if the bank was solvent and mentioned that "With all this mess going on under President Obama with banks and the economy, I'm sure if citizens happen to lose their money, they will rise up and we could see killing and deaths." Still, I suppose a deposit is a deposit. On May 27, Murray came back to the same bank to make a withdrawal of $12,698, and the bank was prudent enough to ask him for ID. Murray didn't appreciate this sort of sass and told them "Not to be disrespectful, but if I don't get this money, someone is going to die." Appalled by the teller's rudeness, the bank manager okayed the transaction, including the demand for bills smaller that $50 in nonsequential order. Murray was so grateful for the excellent customer service that he told them his master plan: "We are on a mission to kill the president of the United States." I assume that he was using the royal 'we'. He went on to babble "We are 94 million miles from the sun, and are in-between the sun and moon, and the eagle that flies between them, and it's a giant step for mankind. I have traveled thousands of miles to be here and know things that are going to happen. The banking system will fail and people will die. There will be chaos in the world." Maybe they thought that Murray was quoting a Jimi Hendrix lyric, I dunno, but they didn't file a complaint or notify anyone. So... the next day, May 28, Murray goes back to the bank and takes out $72,000 dollars, apparently without a peep, although the bank must have figured that he was closing out his account and finally decided to notify the Feds (I can't find a date, but I'm guessing this happened no earlier than yesterday morning (6/4)). The last sighting that I can find (from the New York Daily News) is supposedly later in the day on May 28 when Murray was spotted at another bank, this one in Cedar City, Iowa, where he was wearing a "black T-shirt with the words, 'My way is the highway-God' emblazoned across the chest with a Christian cross sprouting wings". Something is probably wrong with the Daily News report, as this is a distance of over 1400 miles. Even if Murray is flying, he would still have to hub out of Salt Lake City, over two hours away, and I doubt they have a direct flight to Cedar City. Anyway, Murray is believed to be driving a 2001 Buick LeSabre with NY plates 'ERL 1445', although seeing as how the idiots at Zion's First National waited so long before making a report, he wouldn't have raised any suspicion if he got himself a new set of wheels. Now here's your money quote from a Secret Service spokesman: "This is one of a gazillion cases. It's not that out of the ordinary. We see this day in and day out." Oh yeah? You remember that Homeland Security report on Right-wing extremism back in April, the one that got all the Right-wing extremists so upset that Napolitano ended up putting it back in the bottom desk drawer? Well, in light of the Tiller assassination, if there are gazillion cases just like Daniel James Murray, I'd say it's about time to dust that document off.

Yer Friday Funk

George Clinton - 'Lets Get Satisfied'

This is from some unknown Prince documentary (looks like a TV special)... When George
finishes up, you might as well hit stop, but until then, prepare to get satisfied.

Complete Friday Funk

Sulen Miller of ABC News reports that President Obama, while visiting the Great Pyramids of Giza earlier today, was startled to discover a hieroglyphic which he thought bore a passing resemblance to himself. (I know, and it isn't even a slow news day.) “That looks like me!” the President exclaimed when he saw the image of a big-eared man on the tomb, “Look at those ears!” Dragging over his Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, Senior Advisors Valerie Jarrett and David Axelrod and even personal assistant Reggie Love, the President pointed out the hieroglyphic to his staff. “Look, that’s me,” he remarked yet again. First of all, Ms Miller, other than for padding purposes, you don't need to use the phrase 'big-eared man', because that would seem to be implied by the quote "Look at those ears!" You're stepping all over the President's lines. Secondly, just what do you have against Reggie Love? Obama dragged over 'even' Reggie Love, like the poor guy was just given a mercy chuckle? And finally, you implied that Obama was looking at the a tomb when in fact he was examining the engravings on a big-ass novelty belt buckle presented to him by Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak during the traditional exchange of meaningless gifts. (Obama gave Mubarak a top of the line electric stapler). "The President was just trying to be polite by pretending to recognize the hieroglyphics," explained Gates, making air quotes at the use of the word hieroglyphics. "I think Mubarak was disappointed by the stapler and made up the part about the symbols representing the President's spirit animals. So he was being a good sport about it, but you can pick up those big ass belt buckles at any Cairo gift shop. The stapler, on the other hand, was meant as a symbol of unity and cohesion, and Reggie had to drive all the way to the Sharper Image in Fairfax to get it."

He'll be the Holy Ghost after we get through with Him

pic from the New Bethel Church

Arriving in Saudi Arabia this morning, President Obama and King Abdullah continued the time honored tradition of exchanging meaningless gifts. Obama presented Abdullah a Pope hat embellished with the Saudi Arabian flag curlicues from Tony Roman's All Faith Haberdashery in Chicago. After assuring the King that the Pope was not in fact Jewish, Abdullah professed delight. In return, King Abdullah presented Obama with a 'bling bling necklace', which he claimed was an exact replica of the one Diddy wore to this year's White Party. "Next time, just get me an invitation to one of Diddy's parties and I'll be happy," quipped Obama.

Obama arrives in Riyadh, gives King Abdullah pink belly

Abdullah clutches still sensitive abdomen as guards stare in disbelief President Obama arrived in Saudi Arabia this morning, and within moments was embroiled in a potentially damaging international incident when he broke the normal bounds of protocol by giving the eighty-four year old monarch a pink belly. To the great relief of Secret Service agents, King Abdullah, who seemed bewildered by the incident, ordered his guards to resheathe their swords, and pretended to laugh the whole thing off. "Such a young and lively leader," Abdullah said through a translator. "This, I suppose, is the change that I have been hearing about. I will tell you, however, that if I were thirty years younger, I would have given him quite a thrashing for such insolence. But now, with the wisdom of my years, I am able to see this behavior for what it is - totally bizarre." Richard W. Erdman, the Chargé d’Affaires of the U.S. Embassy in Riyadh, put a positive spin on the incident, noting that "it could have been a whole lot worse. You'll note that the President did not pull up King Abdullah's robe in order to administer the pink belly, but instead applied it directly through the cloth. Not only did that lessen any abdominal soreness, it also reduced the potential of embarrassment to the King which might have been caused by the exposure of his nether regions. I'm sure we'll be laughing about the whole thing pretty soon, all the way to the gas pump." "President Obama came to the White House in the midst of multiple crises," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, by way of explanation. "He had to hit the ground running, and as a result, there are certain matters that he has not been able to explore to his complete satisfaction. Like protocol. I wish to God he'd had an opportunity to study protocol... You know, it seems like such a small thing... I think, and I don't want to be accused of putting words in the President's mouth, but I'm guessing that... you remember the last time he met King Abdullah? And everybody got so upset because he bowed? So maybe he figured he could balance that out by doing something disrespectful this time... Whatever... I got nothin'."

Fancy pants State Department analysts, eat your hearts out

So all the North Korean analysts were surprised that Kim Jong-il didn't name son number two as the nation's next dictator? I can't claim to be surprised, since FGAQ is probably the only news source to pay close attention to all the intangibles inherent in being the world's last remaining 1960's style Stalinist society. But unlike his brother Jong-Un (preferences diplomaticaly unknown) Kim Jong-Chul never had the aesthetic taste to succeed his daddy, as we clearly showed back in 2006. Kim Jong-il, after, all was a Hendrix man.

From the Marchives...

Jong Puppet from 'Team America' Tensions continue to rise as North Korea proceeds with plans to test an intercontinental ballistic missile which many experts believe could have the potential to reach the United States, giving credence to the assertion that the rogue country intends to inundate America with a barrage of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons if we don't stop him soon, for crying out loud. "This is indeed a tense and dangerous moment for the nation," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, speaking at a Fort Campbell gathering of logisticians. "We know that Jong has weapons of mass destruction. How? Because North Korea is a member of the Axis of Evil. Ipso facto. But what are we going to do about it, particularly in light of Jong's recent statement that he would not be happy until America was a charred and barren wasteland incapable of supporting even primitive life forms. Those are pretty strong words, coming from such a desperately dangerous despot. With our troops being kept busy by staying the course, all I can say is, it's a good thing we've still got nukes." Jong angrily denies that he has ever expressed a desire to blow up the United States. "Maybe it's something I've fantasized about, but I arways try to be a pragmatic reader." He insists that his drive to develop an intercontinental ballistic missile is fueled only by his desire to take out guitarist Eric Clapton, who his son Chul has been spotted following around on tour. "Crapton is a very bad man, very bad," says Jong, a look of unbridled repugnance washing across his face. "Crapton has not made a good record in thirty years. Constantry, I have to risten to Kim Jong-Chul wandering around the parace, banging on his gayageum, singing those horrid songs. 'Tears From Heaven'. 'Wonderfur Tonight'. 'Ray Down Sarry'. It's enough to make a dictator tear out his hair. Just one nuke, is that too much to ask for?"

He's the Un

Kim Jong-il appears to have picked his successor for North Korea's next dictator, and in a surprising development, he has chosen son number three, Kim Jong-Un. The choice of Kim Jong-Un was a surprising one to Western analysts, primarily because they don't know a damn thing about him, other than a few basics - he's around 25, he probably attended the Berne school in Switzerland, and unlike his dad, he can speak decent English. Oh, and he likes basketball. For some reason, everybody knows he likes basketball. WaPo even knows that he's a Michael Jordan fan. Unlike his brothers, there appear to be no photographs of Jong-Un other than a couple of childhood ones, although the drawing above has surfaced, which I've colorized for your viewing pleasure. Due to translation difficulties, it is un-clear whether this is the 'Un Official Portrait', or just an unofficial portrait on Un. The position of new tyrant was expected to filled by Beloved Leader Kim Jong-il's number two son, Kim Jong-Chun, about whom little is known either, although Asian gossip columns reported a few years ago that Chun was following guitarist Eric Clapton around. In fact, just last week AsiaNews was reporting that the Chun selection was a done deal, because Clapton has been invited to give a concert in Pyongyang. I suppose, in hindsight, it was all just a very nice consolation prize. If the WaPo is correct, it's all over except for the mass indoctrination, so we might as well... Oh. What's that? The mass indoctrination has begun? Okay, it's all over. Schoolchildren in Pyongyang have already begun singing the praises of Kim Jong Un, according to a report from Rescue the North Korean People... "That fact that schools are teaching students to sing such songs is tantamount to officially declaring the heir," the report said. "Elementary school children on a street corner in Pyongyang are singing a song about Gen. Kim Jong Un. They said they sing this song all day without doing any other regular classes." Soldiers, too, are shouting new slogans, including, "With all our hearts, let's protect Kim Jong Un, the young general, the morning star general who inherits the bloodline of Paektu," the report said. Mt. Paektu, the ancestral mountain of North Korea where Kim Jong-il was born in a log cabin, was not available for comment.