run-off

Afghan President Hamid Karzai has called on his opponent in the November 7th run-off election to "grow up and stop being a big baby" after Abdullah Abdullah threatened to pull out of the race. Abdullah has expressed concern that the same election officials who allowed or assisted the stuffing of ballot boxes in the earlier election will still be in charge of the run off. "Corrupt officials in my administration?" scoffed Karzai. "I really don't think so. I've got the cream of Kabul. Let me lay this out logically. If something happens once, it is simply a data point, and no conclusions may be drawn. Now if it happens again, you look at it warily, and yet, it may only be a coincidence. It is not until the third occurrence that you can say with some certainty that there is a pattern. And let me point out, there is no provision in Afghan law for a third election." Karzai believes that it was the ballot-happy citizens of Afghanistan who were responsible for the over-vote, and pledged that he would call on the Afghan people to "curb their enthusiasm, and try to vote only once." "But it's hard," he continued. "After all, how often do they get to vote? Right, right, only once. I'm just saying that it's been a few years since the last election, and the democracy loving people of Afghanistan just love casting ballots. Still, they got to do it just a few weeks ago, so maybe they've got it out of their system. I hope so, anyway, but I've got to say that we have some of the most enthusiastic voters in the world, and this time we'll be sure to double-check both hands for tell-tale purple fingers." Abdullah remained skeptical, saying "It is not as though they don't have soap."

Levi drops the big one

Ridiculous hockey jock Levi Johnston made good today on his threat to reveal things about Sarah Palin that would 'really hurt her'. Appearing on the CBS Early Show, he told stunned co-host Maggie Rodriguez that "everything I've said about her - except for this - has been a lie. Sarah Palin has been paying me $1200 a month to badmouth her. She thought that by me slamming her, she would seem like a more sympathetic character. And it seems to have worked. Up until now, that is." Palin wasted no time in retaliating, with a new entry on her Facebook page appearing less than two hours after the Early Show ended. "In politics and in matters of the heart, betrayal is not an unfamiliar companion," Palin posted in her latest update. "But sometimes betrayal goes beyond the realm of common treachery and crosses over into something much bigger. I looked it up in the saurus and came up with the following - deception, dishonesty, double-crossing and duplicity. And that's just the Ds. All of those are pretty good words, and I've used them all in the past to describe Levi Johnston. Except for duplicity. I don't know, that kind of sounds like a super power to me. Then there's sellout, which I used early on when I was still trying to be nice. Then there are your T words like trickery, treachery and treason, but I try and save those for Obama. Perfidy is one I've never heard of before. It sounds like pretty brutal word, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it. Not that it matters on Facebook, but you know, once you put it in writing it might come back to haunt you, you know, like a reporter asks 'What's this with you accusing Levi Johnston of perfidy?' and I go 'What?' and the next thing you know Tina Fey is trying to make me look dumb again or something. I read in Harper's Bazaar that she's going to do me again, so I'm not about to give her any free material. I'll bet Levi would just looove Tina Fey. I hope they get together, cause I hear she's a real B word, and I know he is." "Speaking of B words, betrayal seems to be the best word in English for betrayal, which makes me wish I knew some foreign languages, because it's just not a good enough word. I asked Todd what the Eskimo word for betrayal is (he speaks fluent Inuit) and he wrote it down for me - tammarsaiyok. Now that's a good word with a lot of heft to it. It literally translates to 'a person who leaves a rival alone to die in a snow bank'." "I had a business deal with Levi, and as soon as I fulfilled my part by getting him that photo shoot with Playgirl, he forgets all about it. And after I post this, nobody will ever want to do business with him again. And one more thing, Levi, since I know you're reading this. You don't really believe that women read Playgirl, do you? You pathetic tammarsaiyoker."

haystack

"...always with the bombing bombing bombing. I get so sick of it, Secretary Clinton. Sometimes I wish that Pakistan could get back to the things we're really good at, like fighting India. But no, al-Qaeda is taking all of our time, and I... Excuse me, but would you please explain to me the reason for your grinning?" "I don't know, President Zardari, it's just that I find it hard to believe that nobody in your government knows where al-Qaeda is and couldn't get them if they really wanted to." "What? Hard to believe? Are you calling me a liar? Because that would be most unstatesman like." "Unstatesman like? Moi? I'm the very picture of statesmanship. As a matter of fact, they call me Secretary of the State, kind of like they called Frank Sinatra Chairman of the Board. You do know Frank Sinatra, don't you?" "Ring-a-ding-ding, indeed I do. I have read about his many whores. But I tell you in all honesty that he cannot hold a candle to Mehdi Hassan." "Never heard of him." "Ah, you Americans are so secular. To imagine that you have never heard of Mehdi Hassan, the King of Ghazals... It is as though if something doesn't originate in your own country, you pretend it doesn't exist. They used to say that Mehdi Hassan had the voice of... Excuse me, but you are once again displaying that shit-eating grin." "Oh, sorry. You just had me thinking that there's someone in your country that I'm quite familiar with." "Who is that?" "Osama bin Laden. But I guess you wouldn't know anything about that, because there are soooo many great hiding places here in Pakistan." "I feel as though you are being condescending." "Absolutely not. Heaven forbid. I mean, who's going to recognize a six and a half foot maniac hooked up to a dialysis machine? That's like finding a needle in a haystack." "Needle in a haystack? What a quaint but apt expression. Finding a needle in a haystack would be very difficult indeed." "It sure would, President Zardari. Of course, the smaller the haystack, the easier it gets. I guess that what I'm getting at is that if you want to see your territory shrink, that's your choice. Not a particularly good choice, but what the hay?" "You are making a bad pun at my expense." "And, of course, a tiny little haystack doesn't need nearly as much American money as a big haystack. Like India." "Yes. Your point, while not subtle, is taken. I must tell you, Secretary Clinton, that I much preferred the political style of your former president George Bush." "Ring-a-ding-ding."

Obama focusing on the Hoback Plan

A little over a month ago, I proposed the creation of a slimmer, more streamlined version of Hell which I dubbed New Afghanistan, one that would encompass the area between Kabul and Kandahar. To quote myself, "Aside from a half dozen of the biggest cities, it's got a river, a couple of reasonably nice roads, and a number of the old country's best restaurants." See, this is why I voted for Obama. I thought, here is a guy who would listen to me. Me, the American people. It's all about me, so I was obviously pleased to read this in the New York Times. Mr. Obama has yet to make a decision and has other options available to him, but as officials described it, the debate is no longer over whether to send more troops, but how many more will be needed. The question of how much of the country should fall under the direct protection of American and NATO forces will be central to deciding how many troops will be sent. At the moment, the administration is looking at protecting Kabul, Kandahar, Mazar-i-Sharif, Kunduz, Herat, Jalalabad and a few other village clusters, officials said. Way to go, Mr President - I just knew you would be a good listener. And while pride of ownership initially made me wary of your addition of Kunduz and Mazar-i-Sharif to my suggested borders, I now embrace your enhancements whole-heartedly, because under this revised plan, New Afghanistan now looks like a banana. Given all the money we're spending on this effort, I believe that the very least the Afghani people can do is let us rename their country, and I wish to propose that we dub it the Republic of Bananistan. If this war is a joke, it needs to be a funny one. "The nation owes a great debt of gratitude to Mr Hoback for his brilliant strategy," said Afghan Commander General Stanley McChrystal. "With the additional troops that I expect the president to provide, we should be able to peel back the threat of the Taliban and keep the proud nation of Bananistan from slipping under their influence."

filibastard

Note to Dems: See, the whole point is that you never invite the vampire
into your house. Because once you invite them in... oh, never mind.

Hello, Reddy!

Hello, boys and girls, it's your old pal Reddy Kilowatt! What? Your mommy and daddy told you never to talk to strangers? Well, I guess I do look a little strange... Sigh... Hello, mom and dad, it's your old pal Reddy Kilowatt! Sure, I look vaguely familiar, that's because we used to be buddies! Well, I suppose it has been a long time since you saw me, but we used to have some good times together. Remember the time I sneaked out of that old lamp and gave you such a shock that you were flung across the room? Oh, right, your mommy and daddy did tell you to avoid me, but I'm a lot smarter now and I... Oh... Sigh... Hello, grandma and grandpa, it's your old pal Reddy Kilowatt! You're glad to see me? Oh, that's great! It's been such a long time... You hardly even think about me? I guess that's because I'm always around! It's just that I'm rarely anthropomorphized these days. But remember back when you were kids and I made your parent's home all bright and shiny? I'll bet you remember your first TV set and how I made it run. Well, I love you too! Speaking of homes, I just wanted to stop by and tell you that the president is building me a new place of my own! It's called the smart grid, and it'll be the best home ever! It's going to take a long time to build but when it's all done, I won't experience any more of those terrible blackouts I've been suffering from. And I'll be a whole lot cheaper, too! Oh, right, sure that's right, it all depends on my corporate masters, but in theory I should be a whole lot cheaper... Whatever... The new house? It's not really that pricey, all things considered. The president is putting up three and a half billion as a down payment... I'm not sure, you know, these things are hard to predict, what with the cost over-runs and all... No, a little more than that... I don't think it's going to be much more than 100 billion, which is a bargain compared to a war or a tax break or something. And besides, it'll pay for itself once the savings start rolling in. Right, depending on my corporate masters... Well, what am I supposed to do? The old place is in shambles, the roof is shot, and the wiring is obsolete... Oh yeah, well maybe you'd like to get along without me - let's just see you try to run your TV on clean coal. Sorry I yelled at you, but you know, sometimes you've got to spend a little money just to keep the place from falling down around your head... Huh. Well, screw you too. And the the joke is on you, by the way. The door can't hit me on the ass on my way out - after all, I'm just an anthropomorphism...

Goodbye, Reddy!

stop playing games

House minority leader John Boehner appeared on the steps of the Capitol this morning accompanied by his trusty sidekick Eric the Wonder Whip, angrily warning President Obama to "quit playing games with American troops". The statement came shortly after news broke that Joint Chiefs of Staff Chair Mike Mullen had spent part of October conducting war games in order to evaluate two of the primary military options proposed by chief Afghanistan commander Stanley McChrystal. "He's dithering," sneered Eric the Wonder Whip, "Dithering and playing games." General McChrystal had put forth three possible troop level options in his no-longer-secret report. There was the 'high risk option', which would add 10,000 troops, primarily as trainers; the 'just right option', which adds 44,000 troops in order to conduct a relatively full-scale counterinsurgency; and the 'impossible option', which would add 80,000 troops - more than are currently available. McChrystal reportedly favors the 'just right option'. Only the first two options were evaluated in the October games. "My god, it just boggles the mind," said the misty-eyed Boehner. "It almost brings me to tears when I think that this president would rather play games than make the tough decisions that a true Commander in Chief needs to make. It's time to put aside childish things and just give the general whatever he thinks we need in order to give us the same sort of great victory that President Bush gave us in Iraq." "Yer darn tootin'," said the Wonder Whip, anger flushing over his fevered brow. "This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no fooling around. No time for dancing or lovey dovey..." "What my loyal sidekick is trying to say is that the time for dithering has long since passed," interrupted Boehner. "I believe General McChrystal pretty much telegraphed what he wanted when he labeled it the 'just right option'."

Karzai outFOXed

Appearing Sunday on a show that almost nobody has ever heard of and even fewer watch, Afghan President Hamid Karzai lashed out against FOX News, calling them "not really a real news organization, but the propaganda arm of Abdullah Abdullah". "What the hell is this show?" an incredulous Karzai muttered, in his largely unseen appearance on 'Fareed Zakaria GPS'. "Everybody in Afghanistan watches the Sunday morning shows like 'Meet the Press' and 'Face the Nation' and especially 'FOX News Sunday', which today features their beloved Abdullah. I seriously doubt that many of my countrymen have even the slightest familiarity with the Fareed Zakaria Show. It is to laugh." Karzai was further stunned to discover that the Fareed Zakaria show was taped for a 1:00 PM airing, a time slot he blasted as 'ridiculous'. "That's kick-off time," he shouted. "Whatever pathetic audience that might exist for this show will surely be tuned into the game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Minnesota Vikings. I myself have fifty American dollars riding on the Steelers, whereas Abdullah Abdullah persists with his foolish faith in Brett Favre. Ha. I shall take his money with the same ease that I shall seize victory in our runoff election." Zakaria noted that he also had money riding on the Steelers, a revelation that Karzai described as 'pathetic pandering'. "You will, no doubt, be watching your irrelevant show on delayed broadcast when the game begins, as is the nature of the chattering class. And to think, at this very moment, my opponent Abdullah Abdullah is chatting with Chris Wallace on FOX News Sunday, answering softball questions intended to sway the Afghan election. It galls me. Rest assured that my stupid agent will soon find himself without employment."

still insane

African bishops, noting the need to have more 'saints' in public office, have issued a statement calling for unsaintly politicians to either repent or resign. “Many Catholics in high office have fallen woefully short in their performance in office,” the bishops wrote in what could rightfully be called the understatement of the year. "The synod calls on such people to repent, or quit the public arena and stop causing havoc to the people and giving the Catholic Church a bad name." "My first instinct was to hunt them down like rabid monitor lizards and have their bones ground into mealie meal," said insane Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe. "That was my second instinct as well, although there was a part of me that felt such an action would not be in keeping with my standing as a good Catholic. And besides, these bishop are forever hiding behind the skirts of the Pope. Skirts, vestments, it is all the same to me. Why is it that the Pope, with all his riches, is unable to invest in a quality dark suit? Never mind, it is of no matter to me. And besides, upon closer examination, I find that they did not actually call me out by name." "Still, repentance or resignation, it is a puzzlement worth pondering. There are those who say that I have single-handedly destroyed a once great nation, although I maintain that it is in reality a rebuilding process. Just last month we re-opened the wheel factory. I tell you, Zimbabwe is really rolling along." "In my opinion, these bishops, who chatter about me incessantly, have been unduly influenced by the accursed Sunday Parade Magazine. Every year they put me on their libelous list of the World's Top 10 Insane Dictators. Every year, I tell you, not that it is of personal concern to me. I'm 85 and I have a legacy to maintain. Still, I thought I was making progress, and would soon fall off of their laughable list, but this year they made me number one - the very worst insane dictator in the world! Do you know how hard it is to be number one in anything? It is difficult to know whether to be honored or appalled." "But not being an arrogant ruler, I do not wish to assert my perfection. I am sure there are things I could have done better. I repent. There, I said it, and I shall say it again. I repent, and I await my sainthood. And now if you'll excuse me, I have some bishops to chase down like I would a bewitched leper."

Breaking news from Politico

Politico has revealed the stunning news that FOX News chief Roger Ailes will not run for president in 2012. In an unsourced exclusive by Mike Allen, Ailes is quoted as possibly telling an unnamed aide that "This country needs fair and balanced news more now than ever before, so I’m going to decline a run for the presidency. Besides, I can’t take the pay cut." "Or words to that effect," says Allen. "It's hard to be sure. There was a lot of background noise. And I had three or four TVs going, and there was a crying baby outside, and the aide had some sort of weird accent. Okay, it's possible that I made up the part about the pay cut, because the quote - if it was a quote - lacked a certain pizzazz. The basic facts are correct, though. Ailes is not running for president. It was a ridiculous story and I'm glad I was able to debunk it. I don't know how these crazy rumors get started." Allen became suspicious after reading an exclusive unsourced story in Politico earlier in the day which said that unnamed friends and associates were urging Ailes towards a 2012 run. "It was just a hunch," said Allen, "but when I saw that the piece was written by Mike Allen, my journalistic radar went off big time. I mean, Allen is a great writer and a pretty swell guy in general, but he seems to be overworked. I think maybe he just needs some time off."

most surprising headline of the day

Dither

Former President Dick Cheney has gone all blustery again, this time accusing President Obama of moving too cautiously in Afghanistan. "The White House must stop dithering while America's armed forces are in danger," said the frightening clown at the ultra-conservative Center for Security Policy, where he was this year's recipient of the 'Keeper of the Flame' award. [Past winners include Paul Wolfowitz, Newt Gingrich, and Donald Rumsfeld] "It's time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity," he continued, oblivious to the irony inherent in having spent more than seven years presiding over a strategy consisting entirely of dithering. However, as Cheney explained, that had all been about to change. For the first time, he revealed that before leaving office, he had conducted a review of the Afghanistan conflict, and prepared a secret strategy report for the Obama transition team. And then he was double-crossed. "They asked us not to announce our findings publicly, and we agreed, giving them the benefit of our work and the benefit of the doubt," he said. "Duplicitous bastards, the lot of them. But I guess I should have foreseen this. If they had proceeded with my new strategy, we would have won the war by now but the credit would have been seen as mine. And there's no way Obama was going to let that happen, so he's been dithering until I've been absent long enough from the American stage." "This is not a stage and Afghanistan is not a show," presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs shot back. ""What Vice President Cheney calls dithering, President Obama calls his solemn responsibility to the men and women in uniform and to the American public. I think we've all seen what happens when somebody doesn't take that responsibility seriously. Dithering, that's what. And as long as we're all in the mood for revealing state secrets, let me reveal exactly what was in the so-called Cheney strategy. It was only three words - Tag, you're it." One person particularly upset about Cheney's claim was Julius Dithers, founder of J.C. Dithers & Co., which holds a trademark on the word dithering. "I'll tell you exactly what dithering means," said Dithers. "It means sucking up to me in an attempt to get a raise. For example, I've got this employee, let's just call him Bumstead. Boneheaded and lazy, he was constantly dithering - always giving me unnecessary compliments, and having his wife cook me sumptuous meals. All to no avail, because he was still nothing but a bum. Cheney should understand that as well as anyone - after all, he had a Bumstead of his own."

Soda Tax

Chump

via Virtual Occoquan

A fly appeared on the rim of Harley's glass. It saddened him at first. He stifled an urge to give the beer an open-handed slap, sending it sailing across the bar and into the poster of the fucking Coors twins. The bitches probably would have enjoyed it. If Harley had a little bit more cash in his pocket, it might've been worth it. Maybe. He wasn't sure how many warnings that he had left. Harley was unhappily aware that someone was watching him. Harley refused to watch back. It made him apprehensive for strangers to give him undue attention. He gazed out of the side window, checking to see if his bike was still okay. He glanced up at the overhead television, which was seemingly floating on air, shining down baseball highlights from ESPN. Then he turned his eyes towards the bartender, over in the corner, doing a crossword. But he refused to look across the bar. Harley finally snuck a quick quiet peek at the stranger. The woman was studying him. He hadn't been mistaken. Huh! Their eyes intersected briefly, and Harley swiftly switched his attention back to his beer. He counted to twenty by thousands. Then he made the rounds again; bike, TV, and on to the bartender. He let his eyes linger. He could trust Wendy. She was cool. She knew more than she let on. They had had their conversations, and he had sold her a little weed. Small sides of coke. They were alike in some ways, he thought. Eventually she noticed him, and he gave her a small tilt of the head. A signal to warn against strangers. He finished his beer once he knew for sure that he had caught her attention. "Nother Bud, Harley?" Wendy pulled the draft without waiting for a reply. As long as he was seated, Harley would want another. Even after the money ran out. That was all right. He was going to pay. “This one’s on me, Harley.” Wendy could tell that he wanted to ask her something, so she moved her face nearer to his. "Know who that is?" he asked, not signaling a direction. He didn't need to. The stranger was the only other person in the bar. "She's been here a long time." With the clock just now inching past 1 PM, afternoon warm and lazy, the woman had been sitting at the bar for an hour, just five minutes longer than Harley. Not a long time, but then Harley was accustomed to being the first one with a stool. "The tab says Tina. Never saw her before. She was in here as soon as I unlocked the door." Wendy frowned. Her long brown hair had landed on Harley's wet spot when she bent over to receive his communiqué. "Why? " she asked, reaching for a clean bar towel. She moistened it with soda water and used the towel to wipe the dampened strand of her beer-tainted hair. "She's been staring at me," Harley replied in a hoarse whisper that was almost a panicked cry. "Cause you’re such a stud, Harley," said Wendy, pointedly speaking loudly and throwing the towel playfully in his face. "Harley's a stud dog." She turned to face the stranger, who smiled politely. Her lipstick was a deep, deep red. "Harley's the man," Wendy politely told her. "Hi Harley," said the stranger. "I'm Tina." Harley managed to squeeze out a greeting. Goddamn Wendy. You could count on her to always do the wrong thing at the wrong time. He certainly had not wanted an introduction. He despised it when people looked at him, this one in particular because... Why? Something about her unsettled him, and at the same time, something about her aroused him. Shit. Now he was even more uncomfortable than his usual self, and he had to make sure not to look in the stranger's direction. Tina. Still a stranger. Goddamn it. Find a solution. This place needed a pool table. Harley got up and put a couple bucks into the jukebox. When he returned to his stool, Tina was walking towards him, drink in her manicured hand. He slinked onto his stool, pretending not to notice her approach. When she stopped beside him, he turned his head, noncommittally. "Mind if I have a seat?" "It's a free country," Harley mumbled, picking at a pimply pock. "Yes it is," Tina said emphatically. “And I’m free, white, and twenty-one, so I reckon I’ll join you.” So cliché, so hurtful. This was a girl that most certainly didn't belong in Sammy’s. She was dressed all wrong; it looked to him as though she were playing hooky from the office. Or the corporation. He couldn’t imagine fast enough. Tight black skirt, sheer white blouse with black bra underneath, black stockings, gold jewelry. High heels! This was a working class joint, and she was nowhere near blue collar. Even if she was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, she would've never been right. Wrong haircut, like from a... city salon or something. Makeup, lots, gooey but erotic in a way that Harley wanted traces of it left upon his face. And some sort of a drink with a cloudy white tinge to it. "You know me?" she asked, seeking eye contact and putting a light hand on Harley's shoulder. "I know you." Chills. Lies. "Never saw you before." "Look at me, Jimmy. Look at me." Harley obliged. Tina sat motionless, ready to be studied. There was something... "My name ain’t Jimmy, it’s Harley. And I don't recognize you a bit. You got me mistaken for somebody else." "No I don't, Jimmy. You’re the one who’s mistaken. I was a friend of your mama’s." She watched his eyes widen slightly. "A younger friend of your mama's." More. "Much younger. I knew you from the time that you were a kid up until you left home. What was that - fifteen? sixteen? I left home, too. Anyway, I recognize you. Can’t erase a face." "Didn't leave home. Just moved out. Went places." Harley was feeling sour and unsettled. "And don't call me Jimmy. My name's Harley." "Jimmy!" squealed Wendy, causing him to nearly fall off his stool. "Harley's a Jimmy! Yo, Yo, Yo, Jimbo! Need another beer, Jimbo?" Of course Wendy was eavesdropping. Of course. Goddamnit. "His name is Harley," Tina said coolly, slowly crossing her legs. Not bad legs, to tell the truth, he thought, and while she had his attention, she crossed them again to show him the lace of her garters. Harley blushed and jerked his head forward. "I've got his tab, okay," Tina said, turning her attention to Wendy. “Okay by me,” replied Wendy. Tina gave Harley a quick scan from a closer viewpoint. Wiry kid, hair in a buzz cut. Eyes set back, darting. Complexion looked worse than it did from across the bar. Maybe 5' 7", she thought. At the most. She would dwarf him in her heels. Good. Plus side, he was muscular, and had no discernable odor beyond that of the beer. "You drink anything harder than that, hon?" she asked, rattling the ice in her glass. He would do. Harley had a change of heart. His dick was taking over. If she was paying, he told himself, he would tolerate the company, at least until he could figure out what she was up to. And she was up to something. Or maybe not. Harley thought that he was not too bad, not a bad looking guy, why wouldn’t she be interested? He was just shy... “That your bike?” she asked, pointing out the window. Harley nodded. “Nice bike. That why they call you Harley?” “Nah. They call me Harley cause I wear a lot of Harley gear. Just got the bike a few months ago. It’s got some mileage, but I’ve got it running like factory.” “So you’re handy. A handy man.” “Yeah. You could say that. Know my way around a motor, for sure. When I first got that bike the gears…” “So. Do you remember me yet?” Harley’s face dropped. He loved to talk about his bike. He had experimented with different nouns, initially calling it a chopper, moving on to a hog, and finally opting for simplicity. “What? You not interested in my bike?” “I’m interested. I’m interested later. Here.” Tina set a glossy photograph in front of Harley and moved right up to his face. She briefly touched his hand. Harley moved the photo closer. His eyesight wasn’t what it used to be. There were four figures leaning against a cherry red 1969 Mustang. One was his father, dead and cold shortly after the photo. One was his mother, bitch, younger than he could ever recall her being. One was himself, fifteen years of age, defiant and sandy-haired, hands in his pockets. He stared at this figure the longest. The fourth was a heavy-set woman, perhaps twenty, biker gear, hair permed in tight platinum curls. He looked up at Tina. “Yeah, that’s right. The hair was fake but the fat was real.” Harley nodded densely, and motioned for a drink. He had no idea how to respond. “Uhh,” he said. “Good response,” said Tina, and it wasn’t exactly sarcasm. She pressed a square of aluminum foil into his palm. “Now why don’t you run off to the little boys room, and powder your nose. We’ll talk when you get back.” Harley stood cautiously, and proceeded to follow instructions. As soon as the bathroom door pulled shut, Wendy zeroed in on Tina. “Can you work with him?” “I dunno,” Tina replied slowly. “He seems dumb enough. Is he as paranoid as you say he is? I mean, he seemed more hostile than paranoid to me.” “Don’t doubt it for a second. I see him every day. You can twist his ass five ways to Friday.” “Well, I’ve got myself a chump, then.” “You’ve got yourself a chump.” The girls shook hands, thumb to thumb, back to back, palm to palm, slappy jack.

Charges imminent

Colorado prosecutors are said to be bringing charges against Richard Heene, alleged father of Balloon Boy, as early as Wednesday. According to reports, there are six separate charges against Heene of conspiring to fool the major network news outlets, and one charge of slander for sticking his son with the moniker 'Balloon Boy'. "It's the children like Balloon Boy that always suffer from the sins of their fathers," said Fort Collins police sergeant Bill Crockett. "The dad will probably end up making a mint, but there'll be no place that poor kid can ever go without hearing the jeers of peers. You know how mean kids are, always shouting 'Hey Balloon Boy, been in any good boxes lately', or worse yet , 'Float over here Balloon Boy, I've got something you can blow up'. Ah, you gotta feel for the lad. The really sad thing was he used to have a pretty decent name, Falcon. Now he'll just have to struggle through life with the moniker 'Balloon Boy'." Dick Horner, Defense Counsel for Heene, said that there should be no problem in dismissing the conspiracy counts. "These networks aren't gullible, don't give me that, these networks are erotically attracted to anything shiny, and what could be shinier than a flashy silver space ship with a Balloon Boy inside? They should be paying my client for giving them a chance to get away from health care for a few hours. The slander charge is another matter. I'm going to tell him to plead guilty. You just can't stick a child with a nickname like Balloon Boy and expect to get off scot-free. My client is already tormented by the knowledge that he will be going to hell for this offense, but he would like to avoid any earthly retribution. I don't know... If I was the judge, I'd throw the book at him. Imagine going through life with a name like Balloon Boy. It just breaks your heart."

David Lynch Commercial Theater

...an occasional feature...



Revital Granas

Limbaugh's football injury

Rush Limbaugh is recovering at a Palm Springs hospital from near fatal cranial damage suffered when the famed talk show host learned that Paul Pelosi, spouse of the House Speaker, had purchased a professional football team. His condition is listed as stable. "That's his physical condition, obviously, not his mental condition, which at the moment is touch and go," said Stan Pulaski, a senior spokesman for the Desert Regional Medical Center's Brain Trauma Unit. "Psychologically and emotionally he was pretty devastated by the Pelosi deal. Having just had his own dream of being part owner of the St Louis Rams stomped by the NFL's liberal cabal, he simply could not get his mind around the staggering level of injustice now emerging from Obama's America. His head came quite close to exploding." Luckily for Limbaugh, Desert Regional is home to Red Cardigan, one of the finest sports doctors in the business. "I knew I had to quickly cut through the haze, and talk him through his agitation," said Cardigan, who in recent years has successfully worked with noted sports head cases such as Mike Tyson, Terrell Owens and Dennis Rodman. "I tried telling him the team was the California Redwoods, but he muttered 'doesn't sound like a real team', and I had to agree with him on that. I mean, what kind of a name is the California Redwoods? Sure doesn't make me think of football. Of course, neither does the Cincinnati Bengals, but that's another story. Limbaugh obviously thought I was talking about trees." "Then I tried repeating that it was the United Football League, the UFL not the NFL. He would hear me and whisper Obama Football League. It said in his chart that he thought the president was trying to take over professional football, so I guess his response mad a certain amount of sense. That's when my real training as a sports doctor kicked in. I remembered that one of the other four teams in the UFL was the Florida Tuskers, so I mentioned that, and he kind of blinked and sputtered. That's when I knew we were out of the woods. Apparently he had mocked them on his show a few weeks earlier." Although Rush may have mocked the Florida Tuskers in days gone by, with Pelosi joining the ranks of UFL owners, he is no longer laughing. Limbaugh spokesman Bo Snerdly states that Rush easily has the funds to purchase a controlling interest in all six of the bargain basement franchises the league plans to add in 2010. "And he might just do it," says Snerdley, "in order to pursue his new dream of destroying the NFL."

Holder: 'Wishful thinking'

Attorney General Eric Hold today dismissed Rush Limbaugh's claim that 'Obama's America' was responsible for smashing his NFL ownership dream. Limbaugh had also claimed that along with Citibank and General Motors, Obama's America would soon own the NFL. "I don't know, it's not like I just felt like fucking with Rush or anything," Holder chuckled. "I just wished that he wasn't trying to get into the football business. That's all, there's no conspiracy. And let me state up front that it's not all that unusual for NFL officials to hear from the Justice Department, seeing as they're involved in so many major anti-trust cases. Sorry, Rush, but your charge of the Obama administration's involvement is nothing but wishful thinking." "Anyway, as I was saying to my buddy Mo last week - you know, DeMaurice Smith, executive director of the NFL Players Association? He used to work for me... So we were talking, and I was telling him how distressed I was with the possibility of Limbaugh being an owner. And Mo said, 'I know what you mean, Mr Holder, I wish there was something I could do about the situation'. And I said, I empathize with you too, Mo, I wish there was something I could do for you guys and your collective-bargaining negotiations." "Well you know what they say, 'wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one gets filled first'. Except, I guess, in my case, it was the wish hand that got filled up." ==================================== In related news, Washington Redskin coach Jim Zorn announced changes in the team's line-up for Sunday's game against Kansas City. Replacing quarterback Jason Campbell will be Barack Obama, and replacing the offensive line will be five Secret Service agents charged with protecting the quarterback.

a simpler time

Here we have a four minute clip wherein Glenn Beck begins yearning for a simpler time, cries, plays a Coca Cola ad and a Kodak ad from the simpler time of the 1970's, which, not incidentally, move him to tears, and then at the two minute mark, launches into a bizarre parable which begins "America, we've been at a party we weren't sposed to be at... the two kids that were driving us there, they said, don't worry, nothings going to happen, you're not going to get caught, and you had a moment there where you wanted to obey your parents... and you were like okay, cause everybody's doing it... And hten you're there and you're supposed to leave and they promised you would leave by midnight, they promised you that... And now it's two o'clock..." And then Glenn cries some more, because not only is America going to get it's ass whipped, it's going to be grounded.

Old Grady not pacified

For the first time since 1975, Social Security benefits will not rise in 2010, causing a dramatic increase in the crankiness level of the nation's fifty million elderly recipients. "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take any more," quipped seventy-seven year old Eddie Benson. "I came up with that one this morning while I was with the gang down at the Krispy Kreme, and no one as much as cracked a smile. Senile old bastards, just sitting there feeling sorry for themselves, moaning about the cost of crullers. I tell em crullers didn't go up any last year, and so they start complaining about the cost of coffee. Then I say that coffee didn't go up any last year, and Old Grady flips me off and says it was too expensive last year. I say, how do you quantify that Grady, because they give you a bottomless cup, so the more you drink the cheaper it is, that's just simple mathematics. Old Grady flips me off again and says he never was good at math and besides, coffee keeps him up at night. And this is at eight-thirty in the morning, for gosh sakes." Republicans were quick to condemn the Obama administration for creating an inflationless economy where the nation's elderly can no longer wait with anticipation for their first check in January. Stung by the criticism, President Obama proposed a special one time payment of $250, the equivalent of a cruller every day, except Tuesdays, when crullers are free with the purchase of a Krispy Kreme Bottomless Cup O'Coffee. Republicans were quick to condemn Obama for catering to the massive elderly special interest group and adding thirteen billion more to the national debt. "This program is already paid for out of existing funds," said presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs, citing a huge stash of $250 gold pieces recently discovered in a Treasury Department warehouse. When the coins were first minted in 1988, they infuriated President Ronald Reagan, who ordered them locked away 'until hell freezes over or a black man becomes president, whichever comes first'. "The truth is that this elderly stimulus won't cost the government a thing, unless you count shipping and handling, and it will be a real shot in the arm for the country's struggling doughnut industry." "Big deal," said Old Grady, "what if I was tired of eating a cruller every morning? I'm not, but what if I was?"

cow on the tracks

Jive talker Michael Steele is in hot water with members of the GOP once again over his latest silly remarks to FOX News. In a discussion of health care reform, the host noted that some people feel that the "health care train has left the station with President at the wheel, and Republicans better jump on board." Never one to let a good cliché go to waste, the RNC Chair tapped into his encyclopedia-like knowledge of trains in order to keep the analog rolling along. "Well I'm the cow on the tracks. You're gonna have to stop the train to get this cow off the track to move forward." "That's pretty doggone silly," said wilted Republican fantasy Sarah Palin. "I'm from Alaska where we don't have many trains, and even I know that they all have cowcatchers. Except we don't call them cowcatchers up here, we call them moosecatchers. Same difference, though. They scoop that moose right up and throw them right over to the side of the tracks. I guess it usually kills them, but at least you don't have mooseburger all over the track." "Damn right it's silly," agreed Texas governor Rick Perry. "We've got a hell of a lot of cows here in the Loan Star State. Excuse me, that's the Lone Star State. Anyway, we can't just have our cows mutilated willy-nilly, that would cause havoc to the Texas economy. It makes me wonder if Michael Steele knows anything whatsoever about trains. Subway trains, maybe. But they're underground where you don't get that many cows." "We've got a lot of cows in my state too," said Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe, "and I don't give a good goddamn whether they get smashed into hamburger or not. I like hamburger. What I don't like is a fella who's supposed to represent the Republican Party referring to himself as a cow. Unless there's something about this Steele character I don't know - and I've got my suspicions - the operative word is steer. That's steer, as in a boy cow. He needs to get that through his uneducated head."

the vastness of space

"Imagine the number of Uranium-238 atoms that would fit between the ears of Cal Thomas. I would type that number for you right here and now, although I fear that I would run out of zeros before I ever reached the end. Yet, this is still a finite number, unlike the seemingly infinite quantity of columns that Cal Thomas has churned out in his finite lifetime. And like his columns, when placed upon the cosmic scale, they would weigh very little, but they would power NASA probes far into the future. I refer, of course, to the precious Uranium-238 atoms, not to the useless Cal Thomas columns." - Dr. Harry Spangler, NASA There are things in life that I enjoy for their almost complete lack of substance. Like rice cakes. And Mary Worth. Just how long can that bitch stand there with that look of stupid apprehension splashed across her face? (A: At least half a century according to Wikipedia). Mary Worth is like a long repetitive Philip Glass composition with an electric banjo solo in the middle - every once in a while, something will happen, and that something seems vividly interesting for all the nothingness that surrounds it. Cal Thomas is Mary Worth's unexpected gentleman caller. Ostensibly conservative, Cal's thoughts and words are as vapid as the look on Mary's face. I like to read his columns and then try to see if I can recall a single thing he said. But once in a while - once in a while - he amuses me. Like his latest column, where he becomes the very last pundit on earth to weigh in on Obama's Nobel Peace Prize. "Like the Pulitzer Prize for journalism, along with the Oscar and Emmy for film and television, the Nobel Peace Prize is an inside job in which liberal, wishful-thinking humanists give awards to each other. For all I care, the Nobel Committee could have given their useless (except for the money) prize to Homer Simpson." Hey, Cal, you forgot to include the Grammy. Talk about your sour grapes! Perhaps this column should be titled 'Why won't nobody give me a prize?' Since you're including the Pulitzers, let's look at a couple winners in your professed field of journalism. Michael Ramirez. William Safire. Paul Gigot. George Will. Vermont Royster. Charles Krauthammer. Traitorous bastards all, I assume. But back to that Peace Prize, just how big a badge of dishonor is it? "Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could win the Nobel Peace Prize in an instant if he announced his god had told him not to eradicate Israel, or usher in Armageddon... [May I have some more?] Same with Osama bin Laden. The United Nations would welcome him as a speaker and the Nobel Committee would award him their top prize if he would announce he no longer believes in terrorism and has become a follower of the Dali Lama or some other 'acceptable' pseudo-deity. [Which brings us to the obvious conclusion that] The Nobel Committee believes George W. Bush is evil, but apparently not bin Laden or Ahmadinejad." Mary's gentleman caller has just dropped his trousers and is waving his cock like a sock puppet. "The Nobel Committee hates Israel, too. And this is because its members, and like-minded male wimps around the world, idolize Michael J. Fox instead of John Wayne and find their role models in the liberal ladies of 'The View', not in muscular characters like Jack Bauer (and Chloe, who gets it) on '24'." Thank you, Cal. At least Chloe gets it.

The Last Broadcast

Item: al-Qaeda is now facing it's worst financial crisis in years.

"...and now, live from the outskirts of wouldn't you like to know you stinking infidels, the Global Islamic Media Front is proud to present The Voice of the Caliphate Show, with our host, the most exalted potentate of al-Qaeda International, Osama bin Laden!" [cue: 'Brick House' by the Commodores] [OBL]: Good evening, everybody! [applause] [OBL]: Whoa! Thank you! And thank you, Raheej, for that fabulous introduction! And let me assure you that much like that house of brick, we are mighty mighty, but we are not letting it all hang out, indeed we are not. This is the word of truth in the face of all that is void! Now let me hear those Lions of Allah! [cue: 'Oink... Oink... Oink oink oink'] [OBL]: In the name of all that is holy, what vile sacrilege have you perpetrated upon us now, Raheej? [Raheej]: It is the mighty lions of Allah! [OBL]: I am tempted to assure you with the lash that those were in fact swine, not the mighty lions of Allah. [Raheej]: Perhaps we could not afford the mighty lions of Allah any longer with our coffers as bare as they have become. [OBL]: Or perhaps it was meant as an oblique reference to our porcine competitors over at Radio Taliban who are beating us badly in our fundraising efforts. Not that I would ever call the Taliban swine, but I ran into Mullah Omar last week and he smelled like he had been vacationing at a Bob Evans... Bob Evans. They are a chain of ham and sausage restaurants that are held in high esteem by the infidels... Hello, is this thing on? [Raheej]: Forgive me if I am the first one to break this news to you, but we can no longer afford the luxury of a studio audience. The applause at the top of the show was pre-recorded. See, I just push this little button, like so. [applause] [OBL]: Oh... Well, do you not have one that will simulate the sound of laughter? [Raheej]: Indeed I do, and it is a button that I shall push just as soon as you introduce a moment of levity. [OBL]: But I said that Mullah Omar smells like a Bob Evans. That was clearly a moment of levity. [Raheej]: Perhaps to you it was, but I consider it in poor taste to slander a fellow Jihadist. And now, with the Taliban's popularity rapidly eclipsing our own, I fear that it smacks of sour grapes. Nevertheless, you are the boss. Here you go. [laughter] [OBL]: Nevermind! Now it feels as though you are laughing at me, not with me... You know, Raheej, because of money, I had to let the writers go last week. [Raheej]: Would that also explain my paycheck's mysterious inability to clear? [OBL]: Yes it would. And that is why I am asking that all of the many viewers of The Voice of the Caliphate Show call in and make a pledge now. Praise Allah, even if it's as little as 100 Rupees, you can make a difference by keeping this show alive, so that we can continue our important mission of ridding the world of infidels. Our highly skilled operators are waiting now for your call, so just take a... [laughter] [OBL]: Do not play that laugh sound at me! [Raheej]: Forgive me, but I was certain that you were jesting when you implied that we still retained highly skilled operators. [OBL]: No... I did not know... I guess... Where is the camera crew? We are not even recording this show, are we? [Raheej]: Indeed we are. Akbar is getting it all on his cell phone. [Akbar]: The truth requires me to admit that my damnable phone will only record two minutes. The good news is that I was able to capture the Bob Evans joke. Good one, Osama. [OBL]: Sigh... Well, I suppose that this is it... The very last broadcast of The Voice of the Caliphate Show... [Akbar]: Technically speaking, that would have been last week's episode... [Raheej]: No, week before last. They cut off our Satellite feed at the first of the month. I do have it on video, though. [OBL]: I guess... I guess that I will try to slip back to Saudi Arabia for a while... Do a little fund raising... For old times sake, Raheej, play me on out with those mighty lions of Allah. [Raheej]: Certainly. [cue: 'Oink... Oink... Oink oink oink'] [applause]

GOP blasts latest Nobel winner

Prominent conservatives are once again outraged at the Nobel Committee, this time for awarding the Nobel Prize in Economics to American Elinor Ostrom, the first woman to be so honored. "What is this, a diversity board?" asked Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions. "Whoopee for diversity, that's what I'm supposed to say? First the Nobel Committee gives the Peace Prize to Barack Obama, which is so completely ludicrous that you have to laugh just to keep from punching someone. Peace Prize? I haven't had a moment's peace since he was elected, I'm telling you that straight up. It burns my toast. They've got an agenda, I tell you. They won't be happy until Obama succeeds... What were we talking about? Oh yeah, Elinor Ostrom. Never heard of her." "There's something deeply suspicious about the way the Nobel Committee is targeting Americans this year," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Eleven out of thirteen recipients are Americans. What's wrong with that picture? Are they trying to imply that Americans are the best and the brightest? I think that it's high time we dissuaded them from that attitude." "Oh yeah," interrupted Sessions. "I meant to add that one of the Americans was named Venkatraman Ramakrishnan. What is this, a diversity board?" "I did a little research on this Ostrom woman," said Minority Whip Eric Cantor. "It wasn't easy, because I'd never heard of her. Anyway, she supposedly received the prize for her work in 'Economic Governance'. Well, I looked in Wikipedia and there's no such thing as 'economic governance'. I mean, if it doesn't have a Wikipedia page, it might as well not exist. I have a Wikipedia page... So does Elinor Ostrom, but I didn't read it because you can't believe anything you read on Wikipedia." "On one hand I suppose I should be glad that a woman has finally received this prestigious award," fumed former contender Newt Gingrich. "But Elinor Ostrom? Forgive me for smirking, but why in God's name not give the award to a woman with some real life economic experience like Maggie Thatcher or Angela Merkel? Or a great economic theorist like Ayn Rand?" Rhetoric is expected to become even more heated after the publication of photos on Drudge Report early this afternoon. The pictures, which could well have been taken in Bill Ayers' old neighborhood, show Ostrom dressed like a radical old hippie. "The truth is always worse than it appears when it even obliquely references the Obama Administration," said GOP Chair Michael Steele. "The Nobel Committee may say that the prize is for economics, but in truth they're honoring Elinor Ostrom for her creation of the Darwin Fish."

Columbus Day

from Virtual Occoquan

Thank You Baby It was just 517 years ago today that Christopher Columbus discovered us, aprox 1:37 PM GMT, on Columbus Day. Talk about synchronicity! (By us, I am talking to my good American readers. The rest of you weren’t discovered until many years later, except for my Canadian readers, who were discovered the very next year by Juan Rodriguez.) Spain, otherwise known as the cradle of Civilization, was well aware of the legend of the French, but refused to discover them or even acknowledge their existence until 1577, when they launched the thirteen day War of the Frenchies, a battle that has been all but been forgotten, perhaps because of the stupidity of the name. Christopher Columbus went on to do many more great things, including the creation of salt, the discovery of Egypt (where he taught the Indians – he called everybody Indians – the ancient Spanish art of hieroglyphics), and inventing the first manual typewriter (a crude device, incapable of printing the tilde). He also established the first government holiday, which he dubbed, with his characteristic absence of humility, Columbus Day. Which is why to this very day we raise our mugs high once a year and shout out “Happy Birthday, Dude!

Above: Earliest know photograph of Christopher Columbus, taken after Queen Isabella refused to increase his grog quota.

David Lynch Commercial Theater

...an occasional feature...

Gio

Lieberman outed by Politico

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman adapted a surprisingly philosophical attitude following the disclosure, saying "If there was anyone gay in that picture, I would have guessed it to be Barney Frank. Or maybe even Obama - he could be the gay one. That's what my friend Lindsey Graham told me, and he seems to have a pretty good sense of gaydar. Wouldn't that be a trip? It sure would make the country vulnerable to blackmail, that's what I would worry about." "Remember James Buchanan? The president right before Lincoln? They sometimes refer to him as the nation's only 'bachelor' president. Yeah right. He used to live with Rufus King, a senator from Alabama. You know what Andrew Jackson used to call old Rufus? Miss Nancy. Or sometimes he'd call him Aunt Fancy. Of course, I shouldn't laugh. I guess they might be saying the same sort of things about me behind my back." "Anyway, my point is that Buchanan's enemies did find out that he was gay, and they didn't hesitate to blackmail him. That's how we ended up with the Dred Scott laws. And then of course four years later there was the Civil War. So I think that if the president is gay, he should just be up front about it." "That's what I'm going to do, just be upfront about it. I really don't think this revelation is going to effect me a lot. I mean, I don't feel like making any wholesale lifestyle changes. I gave Hadassah the news, and she told me not to worry about it, so it looks like just business as usual for me."

John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (Finale)

part 1 .... part 2 .... part 3 ... part 4 ... part 5 ... part 6

I've been excited, Rob, I can assure you. I've been on pins and needles all week long. I suppose I should be delighted that my Weird Tales still have a certain amount of resonance with the American people. Who otherwise seem intent on rejecting me, I might add, at least in the lands where the cactus doesn't grow.

I know what you mean, man. Sometimes I find me asking myself 'Why was I even born?' I mean, I know all about the carnal lust thing, so don't even go there.

I won't go there, Rob. Quite frankly, age has debited me a step or two. And yet, I still find that there are things I can look forward to, like tonight's exciting conclusion of 'The Convergence'.

Word.

You know, I didn't go to Woodstock. I was tied up at the time. Heh heh.

Heh heh.

I didn't really want to go to BeckStock, either. To tell the truth, Rob, if you didn't have video footage of my attendance, I would likely deny that I was ever there.

These are significant life experiences, brother. And by way of introduction to tonight's episode, I must say that it was quite a remarkable day. Beck had been plugging it non-stop...

...a lot of folks have asked me about the red, Blobby rash I've had all week, but my doctor has assured me that what I have is just an outbreak of the hives brought on by my excitement over the BeckStock festival. You know, the thing that's stressing me out right now is just wondering if the Washington Metro can possibly handle the ten million people expected to attend.

It seems to me, Rob, that you're kind of telegraphing the ending here... From what you're showing, I guess I wouldn't be at all surprised if Glenn Beck turned into The Blob and consumed a Metro train..

What, are you saying that wouldn't be weird, huh? It'd be pretty damn weird, and this show is called Rob Zombie's Weird Tales after all.

It's John McCain's Weird Tales, Zombie. And now, without further ado, let's join Beck and the gang on the day of the big BeckStock festival.

...and it's shaping up to be a wild day here in the nation's Capitol. Thousands of followers of Glenn Beck are thronging to the National Mall in Washington for BeckStock, a day filled with music and political speeches, but not everyone is having a good time. TeaBaggers are expressing anger over the fact that their favorite acts are performing too early in the festival, claiming that Beck is showing a clear prejudice for bands favored by Birthers, Truthers, and in particular, New World Orderers, a group the TeaBaggers have long viewed suspiciously. Lets take a look.

This is completely bogus. I got here at ten-thirty, and Toby Keith was already half way through his set. And then they brought on Modern English. What a load of crap. I mean, I can understand why Rob Zombie is the headliner over Sarah Palin, but they're giving the Foo Fighters a better slot than Ted Nugent. Just totally bogus.

That's not the only news from Washington. Earlier today, a gigantic gelatinous red blob engulfed an entire Metro train containing many concert goers. DC police have not yet released any information about the creature or substance or whatever the thing may, but it is expected to be easy to find as it is reportedly quite enormous. Okay, as we head to the top of the hour, let's take another look at the BeckStock Festival, where Crosby, Stills, Nash and Ralph Nader have taken the stage.

By the time we got to BeckStock We were a good ten million strong And the cry rose up from the throng For emancipation

Parachutes ours, they're not golden The man is messing with my withholding

And we've got to get ourselves Back in a Vollll-Vo

BOOOOOOOOO

...meanwhile, back stage... Glenn, Glenn, it's going great! There must be even more than ten million people out there! And the crowd is great, they're booing everything!

Don't look at me, Michelle. I've turned into a... a... I don't have the word for it on the tip of my tongue, but I'm not looking my best. I don't even want to get on stage.

You've got to, Glenn, you've got to introduce Sarah Palin. And the great Rob Zombie. And wave to the crowd. They're all here to see you.

I think we both know that they're all here to see Rob Zombie, Michelle. Nevertheless, I would feel quite awkward greeting the people like this.

Wait! I have an idea! I have a bottle of Olay Definity Deep Penetrating Foaming Moisturizer right here in my purse. It's Glucosamine Complex goes beyond ordinary lines and wrinkles to fight discoloration, blobiness, red spots and wrinkles! The result is a look that is highly defined, luminous and flawless! You'll be good as new in no time!

I have a hard time believing that all those benefits can be packed into such a tiny bottle, Michelle. What if it doesn't work?

Hold on... I've got a Dugan bag in my purse! He autographed it for me when he drew our poster. I think it might even fit over your head, Glenn. Listen, I'll be right back as soon as I can find Newt Gingrich. He promised he would introduce the Foo Fighters.

We're back with our continuing FOX News coverage of BeckStock, and the big story of the moment is the size of the crowd. We've got perhaps as many as three hundred thousand in attendance, but most FOX News analysts predicted a gathering of at least ten million patriots. Let's ask Brit Hume what the heck is going on. Is this due to Blob paranoia, Brit?

That would certainly be my take on it, Betsy. FOX News analysts tend to be uncannily accurate with their predictions, so I would say that Blob paranoia is a major factor in the low turnout.

As you know, we've been reporting that the verifiable Blob death toll is actually quite low, Brit. Reports say that there were less than 2000 passengers on the Metro train that was consumed.

If in fact it was consumed, Betsy, and not actually part of a government plot to scare people away from BeckStock, much like the unverified trail of dead slimy bodies leading straight towards the Capitol Mall. Our FOX News sources have told us that certain Obama officials have admitted believing that if they could keep attendance at BeckStock at under a million, it would be seen within the administration as a huge psychological victory.

Well, that's just despicable, Brit. But for those of you too frightened to attend, FOX News is proud to be here bringing you all day live coverage. Right now, Virginia Congressman Bob Goodlatte is on the stage, getting ready to introduce Hank Williams Jr.

BOOOOOOOOO

Yeah, give it up people! My Chemical Romance, weren't they great? And they say conservatives don't know how to party... Right now I want to introduce you to a man who hates Czars almost as much as I do... a man, who much like me, wants to see Obama's fake birth certificate... a man who'll be glad to attend your tea party as long as you've got a little whiskey for his cup... a man, who just like me, can't figure out why the New World Orderers were invited to this party... He's a Gunner, a Deather, a Truther, and he's seen his share of UFOs - ladies and gentlemen, Hank Williams Jr!

All right, everybody! Are you ready for some freedom?

BOOOOOOOOO

...returning back stage... Glenn, Glenn, Sarah Palin is here! She insisted on barging right in!

Sarah Palin... Oh boy, what an honor to finally meet you. Please, uh, pardon my appearance. They're uh... still working on my makeup.

Hiya, Beck. Gosh, don't you look sporty? But enough of the small talk... Listen, I wanted to give you the courtesy of saying that I'm not setting foot on stage unless you make some changes. I just found out that Rob Zombie is the headliner and that you want me to introduce him. Huh-uh, not going to happen.

What? But, but... you're supposed to go on next, right after the Foo Fighters finish their set.

Look at my face. Do I look serious? Is this a serious face? I will be the headliner or I will walk. I want to give a speech about Down Syndrome and I want Rob Zombie to introduce me.

But Rob Zombie is the biggest star in the world! You must be crazy! He can't be upstaged by a mere politician!

And besides, and I mean this with all due respect, nobody wants to hear you prattle on about Down Syndrome when they could be rocking out to 'More Human Than Human'.

Fine. Toodles.

Wait! Michelle, go find Zombie. See if you can work something out.

...on the Mall, the festival is in full gear... I can feel us moving backwards, folks, backwards in time, back to the days when I was two heartbeats away from the presidency, back to the days when Ronald Reagan was a living giant. Those days are back, my friends, and Barack Obama can't frighten us by sending his goons in to try and scare us with the specter of a giant Blob heading our way, consuming everything in it's path. No, we shall fear no evil, not as long as we have the fabulous Foo Fighters!

Greetings, BeckStock Nation! Here's a little number we learned just for today's celebration. It's called 'This Land is My Land'.

This land is my land, this land is my land This land ain't Russia, this land ain't Thailand Don't mess with my land, I'll cut your eye man Keep your fuckin' hands off of my land

BOOOOOOOOO

Mr. Zombie, Mr Zombie! Oh, thank God I found you! I've got female problems!

Bummer.

No, not me! It's Sarah Palin - that prima donna is refusing to go on until after you've already played! Beck told her that...

She's gonna be waiting a long time, then. I'm not here to perform, I'm here to film the BeckStock documentary.

What? You've got to play, Mr Zombie! You're the headliner for the festival!

Read the contract, bitch.

...back stage, Beck and Palin wait... You've got to understand, Ms Palin, that Rob Zombie transcends mere entertainment...

Take that bag off and talk to me like a man.

Try not to be too horrified. I've been afflicted with... Whoa, look! My skin is clearing right up. That Olay Definity Deep Penetrating Foaming Moisturizer is a bonafide miracle.

You still look a little Blobby to me. Here... try some of my moose balm.

Glenn, Glenn, I've got terrible news! I just talked to... Hey, your skin has totally cleared up... Anyway, Rob Zombie is refusing to play! But I took care of it! I remembered that we had Kanye West in reserve! And he's so humble now that he's going to let Sarah Palin have the top slot!

Whazup?

Kanye West? I'm walking...

That was a little bit disrespectful, man... You know what? I'm better than that Zombie dude anyways.

And I am better than that Palin dude, Kanye. Come on troops, let's hit that stage - we've got a show to put on!

Howdy-doooo, BeckStock Nation! I've got some exciting changes to announce in the lineup. Instead of Sarah Palin, I'm going to be performing my Common Sense Comedy Show.

Something's wrong, Glenn! No one's booing!

And instead of Rob Zombie, we've got the fabulous multi-talented Kanye West!

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Now c'mon, man, that was definitely disrespectful.

Wahhhhh!!! Oh my god, look behind you!

I... I... I... Oh lord, I know this is crazy, but it's almost as if that thing were trying to tell us something... It is! It is! I can see it all clearly now!

I can't believe it.

Yeah... Pretty awesome special effects, huh?

You completely took over my show for the sole purpose of promoting some crappy remake of yours that won't even be out for another year.

Well, you really need to plan months ahead of time in order to create sufficient buzz.

I can't believe I trusted you as a director. This has to be the most deeply cynical and manipulative thing I've ever seen in my life.

Oh yeah? Even more cynical and manipulative than you choosing little Miss Wasilla as your 2008 running mate?

My friend, we are talking about two totally different things. You simply cannot compare politics and show business.

Uh huh.

Not that I'm seriously thinking about it, but if I were to run again in 2012, would you consider sharing the ticket with me?

Top or bottom?

The End?

Special thanks to Dugan/Zen Comix