they quick as winking chop them into beefsteak tartar

the forever modern Kurt Weill, as interpreted by Stan Ridgeway

pre-summit strategy

"You drew the short straw, Boehner. That means you've got to do the giant health care bill stunt." "Not a problem, McCain, even though I'm pretty sure they were all short straws. I'll just give this to my sidekick Eric the Wonder Whip. That little twit will enjoy messing with Obama, even if it does makes him look juvenile and foolish. Or more foolish than usual, I should say." "Do you really think that the president is going to be flustered by seeing a giant health care bill on the table, Boehner?" "That's a good question, Mitch. Let's ask an expert. What do you think, McCain? You were almost president - would seeing a giant health care bill on the table have befuddled you?" "I would consider it a serious breach of decorum, so yes, I've got to say that it would likely throw me off track. But the truth is, I don't really give a fuck as long as it embarrasses Cantor." "That boy is too dumb to embarrass, but at least it'll be good for a laugh. Do you know what would be even funnier? If I had a giant health care bill also - then there would be a giant bill on either side of Obama. I'm laughing just thinking about it." "You don't look like your laughing, Boehner. You look like you're about to cry." "Oh yeah, I'm practicing. The camera just eats that up. I'm going to alternate between tearful, impatient, and unctuous. What do you think, Mitch? Good strategy?" "Well, I do appreciate the fact that you and Cantor are handling the props, since the Senate is far too dignified for that sort of shenanigans. But it is going to be a long meeting, so I hope I get a chance to see you seethe a little bit." "Forget about it, McConnell, that's a job for a real pro. You just leave the seething up to John McCain and you're going to see a red-faced, eye bulging, vein-popping seething demonstration of the type you can't buy for love or money. And when I speak... look out, their will be no prisoners taken and no quarter given. I'm going to snarl and interrupt and laugh in a strangely inappropriate way. And when that Nigerian motherfucker tries condescending to me, I'm gonna bite his goddamn head off." "You are a truly angry man, John." "You best believe it, Boehner, I'm on fire. If ACORN hadn't stolen the election, I would be the president and we wouldn't be in this mess today." "As I recall, you did vote for the bailout." "That's because Paulson and Bernake lied to me, you stupid fucking self-righteous peckerhead!" "Careful, Boehner, he's already turning crimson and the summit doesn't even begin for another hour." "Just getting him prepped, Mitch. You haven't told us yet what your strategy is for this meeting. You gonna go with your indignantly-lost-in-traffic expression?" "I know that's a pretty effective tactic, but I thought today I would stare at Obama intently and imagine that I have no pants on." "Oh jeez, Mitch, that's not much of a strategy. You know, that's an old trick for a speaker, where they imagine the audience naked, so that the speaker feels..." "I know that, Boehner, but seeing as how the President is an African-American, I'm worried that if I imagined him without any pants it might somehow be misconstrued as racism." "If I see this numbnuts imagining himself without his goddamn pants on, I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines." "I've got a better idea, Mitch. When Obama calls on you, just yield the floor to McCain."

Cheney restored

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shopping for body parts. A weary nation breathed a sigh of relief today, as former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from George Washington Hospital, where he underwent his second heart transplant since 2008. Doctors said he was in good spirits and "eager to get back to the important work of fear mongering." "Most patients don't bring along their own heart donors," said Dr Herbert West, the man who performed this transplant as well as the first. "Freshness is so important in this business, and you can't get any fresher than still alive." Cheney praised American Health Care, which he described as the best in the world, and his medical insurance, which he said was "the best money can buy, not that I have to pay for it or anything like that." He also expressed his gratitude to Ramzi Binalshibh, one of the Guantanamo Bay prisoners he had transferred to the dungeon in his McLean Virginia home during his final days in office in order to assure a ready supply of replacement body parts. Binalshibh was one of the masterminds of the 911 attack and was slated to be the 20th hijacker, but was unable to obtain a US Visa. Before his transfer to the Cheney dungeon, he was kept in GITMO's top secret section for high-value detainees. "He was a bad man," said Cheney, "but he had a good heart."

Zazi gets a break

Monday was a lucky day for the Big Apple, which somehow managed to bring an Afghani terrorist to court without suffering a Jihadist attack. Pleading guilty was Najibullah Zazi, conspirator in what many authorities are calling the most serious attempted attack since 911, and it is most curious that the man managed to make it all the way to this point without becoming a cause celebre for the Cheney-worshiping panic-panderers on the righteous right. Zazi is the New York City coffee cart operator who plotted blowing up the subway system with a lethal mix of beauty supplies, only to abandon the plan when he was stopped for a routine traffic violation and became paranoid. Quite visibly paranoid, obviously, since the cops decided that someone should keep an eye on him, and before long he had a perfectly valid reason for his paranoia. Zazi got rid of his cosmetics of mass destruction, but the FBI gave him a visit anyway, and it didn't take long before he folded like a cheap suit, spilling the beans on everything and everyone, including his uncle, his imam, and his dear old dad. Now it goes without saying that the FBI used brutally harsh interrogation techniques in order to make Zazi talk - they told him they might bring immigration charges against his mother, and then to sweeten the deal, they agreed to let him out on bail for a few days. Yesterday Zazi pled guilty in the Brooklyn Federal courts, and now faces life in prison without parole. The information he revealed has enabled the investigation to be widened, and Attorney General Holder able to hold his case up as an example of the superiority of using the civilian court system as opposed to military tribunals. And it's too late, FOX, it's just too late, you done missed the outrage train this time while you were fixating on the Underwear Bomber. Still, we've got to give your fair and balanced source for news and information credit for trying by running 'Why Did Zazi Get a Break?' by Annemarie McAvoy, which opines that "It is an outrage that Najibullah Zazi and his family gets a break, thanks to the fact that he's in the federal judicial system instead of in a military tribunal, where he belongs." Damn those Feds, don't they know that "Zazi should have been interrogated immediately as an enemy combatant, by those trained to do so, in Gitmo." Sorry, Annemarie, but I can't answer your question as to when this administration is going to smarten up. We've got the bad guy going to the big house, we've got some of his associates with more likely on the way, we've got the details and methodology of his plan, but I guess we could have gotten so much more if we had tortured him, although most of the extra would likely be lies and delusions. I guess there's just no pleasing some people.

Good Dog with Mr & Mrs Swamp Thing

Now On News Stands Everywhere!

showdown

Pawlenty Palace Pummeled

Tiger Woods impersonator outside of Governor Pawlenty's mansion Tiger Woods was detained briefly for questioning early this afternoon in an investigation of golf club related vandalism at Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty's official residence, but was released a short time later when his alibi was able to be verified. The incident occurred a few hours after Pawlenty had spoken at the CPAC convention, telling the audience that they should emulate Woods' wife by destroying the government. "She said she was fed up, she wasn't going to take it anymore," he told the happy freedom fighters. "We should take a page out of her playbook. Take a 9-iron and smash the window of big government in this country." Shortly thereafter surveillance video captured someone taking a 9-iron and smashing the first floor windows of Pawlenty's big government mansion. According to federal agent Stan Marcus, "Our calculations showed that Tiger would have had to travel from Ponte Vedra, Florida to St. Paul, Minnesota and back in less than three hours in order for him to have been the perpetrator, and unless you've got a rocket ship, that's just not possible." Woods does have a rocket ship, but was able to prove that it was in the shop at the time of the incident. "We had every reason to consider him as the prime suspect," said J. Herndon, who also questioned Woods. "Governor Pawlenty dissed him, dissed his wife, and quite frankly, gave him an almost irresistible challenge. And then there was the video..." "Don't get us wrong," interjected Agent Marcus. "We knew that the subject in that video was wearing a mask, but we couldn't discount the possibility that it was actually Tiger Woods wearing a Tiger Woods mask. That would have been fiendishly clever, and quite frankly, we wouldn't have blamed him for it. As far as the Bureau's take on the matter, we really hate to see these politicians kick a man when he's down."

no story here

You know who's not a terrorist? This guy, Joe Stack. Yeah, this guy is just a shmuck, a real Sad Sack, down on his luck. A guy who has been thoroughly beaten down by The Man and doesn't have the mental clarity to realize that The Man is Joe Stack. You know what else? Not only was Joe of the Caucasian persuasion, he wasn't even a Muslim. And he didn't hate Jews either, just Catholics. Joe was an American, and as we all know, if you want to be a real terrorist, you've got to be international. Umar AbdulMutallab, the Underpants Bomber, that's a real terrorist. Dude got on a plane and set his balls on fire. Tell me that's not the act of a desperate man. From what I understand, if his skivies had completely detonated, his balls could have been blown across the cabin, maybe all the way to first class. Joe Stark wasn't man enough to try something truly terrifying like blowing off his feet or setting fire to his gonads, no, all he did was fly a plane into a building full of civilians, and we've seen that before, so how is it supposed to terrify us? Dammit Joe, you know how many times we've all seen that 911 footage, and that was a much bigger plane and a much bigger building. Now on the other hand, if we discover that you had any buddies from Yemen, we'll get back to you.

I just flew in from New Orleans, and boy are my arms tired...

My first extended visit to the town, and I really loved it. Stayed
unplugged the entire time; no computin' power, doncha know,
the cellphone stayed switched off alone in the room, and my camera
remained packed except for a few hours on Fat Tuesday. No car, no
agenda, no news and politics, but plenty of music, booze, and food,
all with excellent visuals and Saints Saints Saints. Has any town ever
gloried in a victory like New Orleans or deserved it more?

I did set up a daily piece from the past with Blogger's fabulous
advance posting option, but seeing as how FGAQ is dead since
Saturday, I guess it only gives you one shot. And since I'm not
ready just quite yet to end this rare vacation, here's the piece
that should have appeared this morning. From the enormous
archives, it's Psycho Comix.

Man with a horn

from the enormous archives, 2006...

There's this dream I keep having about a man with a horn. He's kind of a big man and he's playing a trumpet, a silver colored trumpet.

Maybe you think my dream doesn't sound all that scary, but there's something really ominous about it. Something amiss in those cold black eyes. He's not always alone, either. Sometimes he'll be with another musician.

Freud said a dream is not comparable to the sound of a musical instrument, which instead of being played by the a musician is struck by an external force; the dream is not meaningless, not absurd, does not presuppose that one part of our store of ideas is dormant while another part begins to awake.

Seems like there's plenty of other things in life to be afraid of. Why, for me, is it the man with the horn?

Monday night, when I had to fly to New Orleans, I fell asleep in my seat and dreamed about him. The entire next day I couldn't shake the feeling that he was out there somewhere nearby, watching me and following me. It really spooked me.

When I get through being president, maybe I'll ask a psychiatrist, but for now, I guess I'm best off trying to ignore it and hoping it will go away.

GOP Valentines

Another day, another ridiculous message from Michael Steele: Dear Fellow Republican, This Valentine's Day, show the most important Republicans, Democrats and Independents in your life how much they mean to you by sending them a GOP Valentine's E-Card. Pass along a special message from Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi that they didn't craft this Valentine's card behind closed doors like they did with their government-run health care experiment. My only complaint with the GOP Valentine's Day cards is that the captions aren't very clever, but that's nothing that cant be repaired with a little fancy photoshopping. Matter of fact, I just created one to send to all the most important Republicans in my life. Feel free to snag it, or have tons of fun on your own! Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. If I can make it through the snow drifts, I'm on my way to New Orleans for Mardi Gras!

John Brennan, one step ahead

GOP attacks continue on President Obama's handling of terrorism, with the focus turning sharply towards Counter Terrorism Adviser John Brennan, who is accused by Top Republicans of insufficiently briefing them on the attempted Christmas Day bombing of a Detroit bound aircraft. Although Senators McConnell and Bond, along with Representatives Boehner and Hoekstra were all updated on Christmas evening, and offered Brennan no questions, in retrospect they now find his information sadly lacking. Following an editorial by Brennan which warned Republicans against trying to score political points off of terrorism, Senator Kit Bond has accuse Brennan of turning into a partisan hack and called on Obama to fire him. Congressman Hoekstra says that he has lost all faith in Brennan, and vowed to tape all future calls from him so that Brennan will never again be able to use his own words against him. "Now we know how this guy works," Hoekstra told Politico. "We’ll take notes, have transcribers. Make sure that this guy doesn’t have the opportunity in the future to come back and misrepresent what was said." Hoekstra emphasized that if he has to speak to Brennan in the future "I’ll be taping the conversation, with his permission. ... I’m not going to get caught in this again." Contacted for his reaction, Brennan said "that's a real good idea, and quite frankly, I'm surprised he doesn't already do it. I know I tape all my high-level calls. As a matter of fact, here's a recording I made of my conversation with Hoekstra." "Good evening, Congressman Hoekstra. This is John Brennan... Sorry I have to disturb you at home, but I..." "John who? Who are you?" "John Brennan, the president's counter-terrorism adviser. Sorry to call you at this hour, but I needed to update you..." "Preshudent who? Never mine, I think I know. It's Chrishmus..." "Yes sir, Merry Christmas. I'm calling about the attempted terrorist..." "Hole on, I shpilled my drink... Diane! I need another Sheven an Sheven... I... Hello?" "I'm here, Mr Hoekstra. I needed to brief you on the attempted bombing..." "Do you know wha time it ish? It's Chrishmus..." "Yes sir, and I know it's late, so I'll try and be brief..." "Your brief ish gonna be brief? Heh heh. You're a funny man." "Sir, as the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, you need to be informed of the latest information about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab..." "Uma tuma talla what? What the hell are you talkin about?" "The would-be terrorist, sir, who was taken into custody in Detroit this morning." "The unnerwear bomber? Bwahahaha ha ha... Shit! I shpilled my drink... Diane! I need another Sheven an Sheven... Exploding unnerpants, thash funny..." "Well, the important thing for you to be aware of is that Abdulmutallab has been placed in FBI custody, and he is talking and cooperating." "That wush a brief brief about briefs, Brennan." "Yes sir. Did you have any questions?" "Yesh... Do you know wha time it ish?" Asked to respond to Brennan's recording, Hoekstra replied angrily. "You call that a briefing? The man wouldn't even give me the time of day."

Snowpocalypse

The Republican Party is once again calling out President Obama, this time blasting him for being 'soft on snow' and criticizing his ineffectual handling of the blizzard hitting the Washington area. "I don't recall there ever being that much snow in Washington when George Bush was president," said Sarah Palin in a Facebook posting describing herself as the only candidate with real snow experience. "I don't recall there ever being that much snow during the Reagan years, either. And the man obviously is incapable of handling it. So here we are, just barely one year into the Obama administration, and the whole city is paralyzed with snow. All you people who were talking about hope and change, let me ask you something. How's that diggy-plowy thing workin out for you now?" "It's probably not fair to blame one man for this disaster," said Senator Jim DeMint, "but they blamed President Bush for Katrina, and that wasn't fair either. Obama is ignoring this crisis. They tell me that the last time there was this much snow in Washington was back in 1888 when Grover Cleveland, another liberal, was president. And that wasn't such a big deal at the time, since there wasn't a beltway or an enormous bureaucracy." "They haven't even plowed my street," Minority Leader John Boehner said tearfully. "They haven't plowed anybody's street. Except for Barack Obama's. They've even pulled all the plows off of the streets, citing trumped up safety concerns. Well, this is no time for safety concerns. The House is on February recess and I want to go home." "Obama thinks it's funny," said Boehner's outraged sidekick Eric Cantor. "He calls it Snowpocalypse. But it's not funny. He should have mobilized the National Guard. Sarah Palin was right, what we need is a Commander in Chief, not a professor of constitutional law. Or at least a man with a plow and the will to use it." In a rare turn of events, Senator Jim Inhofe declined joining his colleagues in their castigation of President Obama. "You people need to rise above your petty partisan politics, and accept this storm for what it is," said Inhofe. "God's punishment on Al Gore."

Iranian runaround

Iran has officially announced the grand opening of two new production facilities for unmanned aerial drones. The planes, which have been in development for at least two years, are said to have both surveillance and attack capabilities, and are similar to the drones the US has been using in Pakistan and Afghanistan. The revelation came shortly after Iran's pronouncement that it was building several new enrichment centers to facilitate their move toward a higher refinement grade of Uranium, and pretty much at the same time that U.S. Defense Secretary Gates was meeting with European leaders to discuss what type of ineffectual new sanctions to deploy against Iran. Speaking today at the Tehran Kiwanis Club luncheon, where he was receiving their coveted Bahram Radan award, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad scoffed at "all the silly Western talk about our so called wicked intentions," saying that "as usual for those held in thrall by the Zionists, these people are simply overreacting to their inadequate interpretation of Ayatollah Khamenei's innocent words. As far as I know, the Supreme Leader was probably just kidding." Earlier in the day, Supreme Leader Khamenei had casually mentioned that "the Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, will punch the arrogance of the Western powers on the 22nd of Bahman (February 11) in a way that will leave them stunned." "Ah, that's the Supreme Leader for you," laughed Ahmadinejad. "Always with the drama, that fellow. I remember last year when he promised that he would puncture the heart of my shameful pride, and then when I asked him what I had done, he tells me my reelection to the presidency was now official. And then he laughed and laughed. Inwardly. I assume. Well, thank you for this wonderful luncheon, and the little statue of Bahram Radan. And the flowers - the flowers are beautiful. Now if you will be so kind as to excuse me, I have some protestors I must execute. Just kidding, just kidding. Perhaps." "That guy just drives me crazy," said Secretary of State Clinton. "As a matter of fact, his entire government drives me nuts. I don't get his jokes, but since he's always smiling, I feel like I have to give him some benefit of the doubt. And Khamenei, you manage to get through to him, he just says 'talk to Mahmoud', so he's useless... I ask President Ahmadinejad, what do you need higher grade Uranium for, and he tells me that Iran needs radioisotopes for their hospitals, so I ask why he needs to make such a large quantity of the radioisotopes, and he claims there are a lot of really sick dissidents in Iran. Really? I ask him about the drones and he says that they're for flying the radioisotopes to the sick dissidents in the hospitals, yada yada yada. I think there's a real credibility gap with him, and I've got half a mind to suggest that we impose even harsher ineffectual sanctions on this whole untrustworthy government."

Sarah now unstoppable

Within hours of delivering the best speech ever given, it has become apparent that Sarah Palin has effectively secured the Republican nomination for the presidency. Her Tea Party speech was regarded as such an important event that not only was it seen on FOX News, but also CNN, which had nothing better to do anyway, and MSNBC, which pre-empted a very special episode of 'Lockup'. The morning after the wondrous speech - which was so powerful that grown men wept and liberals felt the scales fall away from their eyes - Palin appeared on FOX News Sunday to say it would be 'absurd not to consider running' for president in 2012. "Absurd is the operative word here," agreed host Chris Wallace. "It would be completely absurd for you not to run, and it would be even more absurd to think that anyone could give you any real competition whatsoever. I mean, who's going to challenge you, friggin Mitt Romney?" "That Wallace character has sure got me pegged," said friggin Mitt Romney. "Sarah would beat me like a red-headed step child if I ran against her. Of course I'd enjoy every minute of it, but the real question is why I would want to stand in the way of someone with such proven ability to transform our nation. It's my patriotic duty to stay on the sidelines and help her win." "Well, I'm staying in the race," Tim Pawlenty said Monday morning on CNN. "But let me just make it clear that I'm not in it to win it. The Republican Party just needs to have somebody else available in case Sarah gets in a tragic snowmobile accident or changes her mind, God forbid."

this one's for the dogs

Coil - The Snow

The dogs have grown sullen and lethargic. They thrive on sunlight and have had precious little of it for weeks on end. The youngest, Doodahdee, has seen only a couple of inches of snow in his lifetime, but since Christmas he has seen nothing else. He has lost all desire for a walk. I wonder what is going through his head - does he think that his world has changed forever?

hard times all around

Citing a sharp decrease in his personal fourth quarter earnings, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein told guests at his annual Superbowl party that he only had enough cash on hand to buy a small pizza and a few cases of 1990 vintage Cristal. Apologizing for the fact that Elvis Costello would be the sole half-time performer, Blankfein explained that he had blown most of the party's entertainment budget by hiring the 2009 Philadelphia Eagles to work as servers, believing at the time that they would "work a hell of a lot cheaper after their humiliating losses to the Dallas Cowboys." In related ridiculous news, I bring you today's New York Times: Once again, a bonus at Goldman Sachs has all of Wall Street talking - only this time, over how small it is. After weeks of intense speculation, Goldman Sachs disclosed late Friday that its chief executive, Lloyd C. Blankfein, would receive an annual bonus valued at $9 million... And it's even worse than it sounds, cause last year, when Goldman collapsed, he didn't get no bonus at all! And this years bonus is all in deferred stock which he can't sell for five years! And his base salary is only $600,000 plus perks! So unless he has something left from his $68 million bonus from '07, the poor man is practically running on fumes. "It takes a lot of the oxygen out of the argument that Goldman’s top of the house is overpaid," said Brian Foley, an independent compensation consultant in White Plains. "For running an organization that big, and bringing it through the way he did, nine million is not a lot of money." Isn't it nice to know that things are rough all over?

hostage situation

Alabama Senator Richard Shelby has taken what may be the ultimate obstructionary step of placing a hold on all of President Obama's unconfirmed appointees, which he plans to keep in place until the administration meets his demands on what he likes to call 'national security issues'. National security being defined, in this case, as giving Shelby all the pork he can eat. According to National Journal (registration required), Shelby is rightly concerned about what might befall America if Northrop Grumman is not given a 40 billion dollar contract to build planes in Alabama, and the money instead is given to Boeing, who would build the planes elsewhere. Oh yeah, Northrop Grumman doesn't particularly like the Air Forces work proposal, so Shelby is demanding that it be changed to Northrop's liking. Among other demands Shelby is making for the release of the hostages is that the FBI build the Terrorist Explosive Device Analytical Center in Alabama, and that people start to call him Dick instead of Richard. "I've asked nicely, over and over," grumbles Shelby. "I say 'Call me Dick', and they say 'Okay, Richard'. I asked Senator Reid if he could please try and lead by example, and he just laughed in my face. Well, I guess he's not laughing anymore, now that I've frozen out his precious executive nominees." The White House is blasting Shelby, with Press Secretary Gibbs holding him out as an example of what's wrong with Washington. "If that’s not the poster child for how this town needs to change the way it works," Gibbs said, "I fear there won’t be a greater example of silliness throughout the entire year of 2010." Shelby also received a personal phone call from Rahm Emanuel, who reportedly called him 'fucking retard' instead of Dick. Not all of the attention on Shelby has been negative, however. Senator john Cornyn has already agreed to call him by his preferred name, tweeting this morning 'DICK HAS BALLS!!! LOL!!!', and several other Republican Senators say that they are watching with interest, noting they may try similar tactics if Shelby's demands are met. 'OR THE EXACT SAME TACTIC! LOL!!!', tweeted Cornyn.

goodbye moon

Onward Unto Pluto! with Dr. Harry Spangler Hello, this is Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA, where it is my delighted surprise to once again be speaking to you about the tiny frozen world known as Pluto. Yes, lovers of the ninth stone from the sun, as I've illustrated above through the magic of photoshopping, the astronomically impossible has finally happened - Pluto has eclipsed the moon! Two short months ago, the media was awash with wall to wall stories about water on the moon, and they spent endless hours of speculation on the means mankind would use to retrieve it, even though, as I astutely pointed out, to obtain even one meager eight ounce serving would have required the pulverization of 116 pounds of lunar firmament. Little did it matter to the moonstruck media, as they ceaselessly filled their airwaves with images of artists conceptions of future water processing plants at their imaginary moon colony in the Cabeus crater. What a difference one rotation of Planet Earth on it's axis makes, and this dawn now reveals a new reality, one in which our lunar companion is put back in it's rightful place as little more than a celestial bauble. President Obama has delivered on his promise of hope and change and ended at last the folly that is moon mania. We've been there, we've done that, and it was boring. Now the spotlight can return to Pluto! And just in time, too. Did you know that in only two weeks we'll be celebrating the 80th anniversary of Pluto? I will, anyway. Of course our frozen friend itself has been around much longer than eighty years, but it was on February 18th, 1930, that Clyde Tombaugh placed two photographs of the ecliptic plane, taken at a six day interval, into his mighty blink comparator in order to see if anything had moved. Viola, he might have shouted, or perhaps he cried Eureka. We shall never know for sure, unfortunately, because there is no existing video which documents that momentous night when a tiny point of light would be recognized as the ninth planet in the solar system of the star we call The Sun. It was not yet Pluto, but it was close. Tombaugh was in a race against time to name this dark and icy world before someone else did, and so, counterintuitively, he opened the process to the public, where the name 'Pluto' was proposed by eleven year old Venetia Burney. The new planet was christened on March 24th of that very year, thereby forever protecting Planet Earth from residing in the same universe with a planet named Tombaugh. But I digress, although in my defense I can only blame my passion for talking about the storied history of the planet Pluto. Which I would assume, given the media's obsession with the topic, you well know was brutally stripped of it's membership in the planetary brotherhood by the sinisterly named International Astronomical Union in 2006, who then reclassified it as a 'dwarf planet'. I used to be bitter about this celestial unkindness, blaming it all upon the discovery of Eris, but gradually I began to take a certain comfort in the fact that few common citizen have even the slightest knowledge of Eris, thereby ceding Pluto the mantle of greatest dwarf planet of them all. But once again I digress, as my purpose here is to update you on the details of my primary project, the progress of the spacecraft known as 'New Horizons' - the grand exploratory mission to Pluto fortuitously launched back in the Bush years when America still had more money than it knew what to do with. It is with extreme pleasure that I tell you that the New Horizons craft has now traversed over half the distance to it's destination. Many of you may have missed this thrilling development, lost as it was in the tabloid-like obsession the media has showered upon each and every little lunar tidbit, but on December 29th NASA announced that New Horizons is now closer to Pluto than it is to Earth and is safely on track for it's rendezvous with Pluto in July 2015, where it will thrill us all with nine days of intense scientific excitement. Clyde Tombaugh's ashes will be along for the ride, but sadly there will be no human hand to sprinkle them upon the frigid surface of the planet Pluto - not on this voyage, anyway, but now that our silly fixation with the moon has finally been set aside for grander things, it is only a matter of time and will before humankind finally sets foot on the glorious arctic world of Pluto!