The King's plot

Of course you know that Christine O'Donnell isn't guilty of misappropriating campaign funds, since she is you, after all, and I'll bet you have a darn good alibi.   But whence the charges? There's no remotely logical grounds for the accusations, so it's got to be a conspiracy. It's a witch hunt, and the hunters are members of the all-powerful Delaware Republican Party, who don't want a Tea partier crashing their exclusive club... No wait! It's the members of the all-powerful Delaware Democratic Party, who know they could never defeat Christine a second time.   "You don’t need a tipster to show that this was politically motivated. We were informed..." "Wait, wait," I said, interrupting Christine, solely for the purpose of point clarification. "You said that you don't need a tipster, but then you say you were informed. Which is it?"   "I was told by someone I know with a lot of inside connections," Christine explained. "It was a friend, not a tipster. They said that the Delaware political establishment was going to use every resource available to them, including launching phony investigations, tying me up with lawsuits to make sure I can’t move forward politically. I even expect more things to come. That’s their tactic." I had a strong urge to ask Christine if she knew the difference between tactics and strategies, but believing the line of questioning to be futile, I kept my silence. But who unleashed these monsters and empowered them to launch their cretinous crafty Christine crushing crusade? "Given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment..." Christine began to explain, before I once again rudely interrupted to ask who this King of the Delaware Political Establishment was. Because I had no idea. I wasn't even aware that Delaware was still a monarchy.   Christine was visibly perturbed. "Gawd! I was trying to tell you. It just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table."   No it would not. Just think about it... Of course. It all makes sense. It's the man she almost defeated by a margin of 35% to 65% back in 2008 in her last failed senate campaign - the nefarious Joe Biden. The King of the Delaware Political Establishment, they call him. He's the only man who could possibly be able stop her ascendancy to the presidency in 2016.   "Bingo!" confirmed Christine, nodding her head enthusiastically. "I figure people are getting dumber every day. I only got 4% of the vote in 2006, but in 2008 I was up to 35%, and this year 40%. I figure by 2016, the sky's the limit, as long as the King is exposed."

You.

I'm not a crook.     I'm nothing you've heard.   I'm you. None of us are perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us: politicians who think spending, trading favors and back-room deals are the ways to stay in office - with their expensive homes and their luxury cars, eating dinner every day in their fancy restaurants. Sometimes breakfast, too. I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do. Live the high life, spending your money just the way you would. I'm Christine O'Donnell. I approve this message, and so do you.   I'm you.

Vengeance is Mine

Former Oakland Raiders linebacker Tucker Carlson is making the best of his guest-hosting slot on the Sean Hannity Show this week. Totally bored and relatively clueless about the night's other stories (the declining housing market, Huckabee's ascension), Carlson lit up when the subject changed to the most scintillating topic of a slow news week - President Obama's shocking forgiveness of Eagles quarterback Michael Vick.   "I'm a Christian. I've made mistakes myself. I believe fervently in second chances," said the pious commentator. "But Michael Vick killed dogs and he did it in a heartless and cruel way. I think personally he should have been executed for that." Then delivering the coup de grace, Carlson added "The idea the president of the United States would be getting behind someone who murdered dogs is beyond the pale."   In followup conversation, which included the observation that dog is God spelled backwards, Carlson provided an undeniably powerful analysis.   "I think we have to ask ourselves if someone who gets behind someone who murdered dogs is every bit as implicit in the crime as the murderer himself. As a Christian, I've got to answer in the affirmative. But just what sort of a lowlife would lend their moral encouragement to a puppy slayer? Obviously a Muslim. Those people are notorious for their hatred of our four-legged friends. They think they're unclean. Well, Mister President, who's got dirt on their hands now?" "I think that we'll have to reevaluate the terms of Carlson's contract in light of last night's comments," said respected FOX Programming head Roger Ailes. "I mean, those were some really bitchin' remarks, and we don't even have this man in a regular time slot... I think... it's going to be a really long year for Neil Cavuto" This is not Carlson's first recent controversial commentary on the topic of pro football. Three months earlier he created a bit of a stir on FOX during a conversation about the the Tea Party's impact on the midterm elections where he observed that "Bret Favre should be brutally gang raped for sending dirty texts. Oh,  also, for not retiring last year."

Joe's lament

Where have I been? Where have I been? You wanna know where I've been? I'll tell you where I've been. Out. That's where I've been. Anything else you wanna know as long as I'm answering questions?   Aw, c'mon Kathleen, you know you don't mean that. It's just been a rough few weeks, that's all. When the going gets tough, the tough get drunk, that's what I always say... Well, I said it today and I'll probably say it again tomorrow. I'm out, baby. I'm out I'm out I'm out. I'm a quitter. Goddammit, I'm sticking with the day job. I know we saw this as a way out of Alaska, but I guess Lisa Murkowski has drunk our fucking milkshake. Stuck her straw in and sucked my votes away. It doesn't seem real that she could do that to me. They're calling me a sore loser on the internet, and a big baby and all sorts of things I don't even want to repeat...   Sarah Palin called? Really? Wha'd she say? Aw, jeez Kathleen, you don't know it was Sarah Palin if they hung up before you answered... But I do appreciate you trying to make me feel better, I really do. Jeez, illiterate sonuvabitches around here can't even spell. Lisa with a Z, that ain't right. Yeah, I know life's not fair, but still... You think... You think you could make us some nachos? Yeah, a big ole pile of nachos with lots of cheese and jalapenos and bacon and uh whatever. You can't? Damn, it's going to be a long winter...

Christmas in Korea

After a grueling six days of pretending to be a semi-civilized nation, North Korea has been pushed to the limits of it's admittedly limited patience by South Korea's totally insufferable military drills.   "The racket is incessant, bang bang bang, day and night," said North Korean armed forces minister Kim Yong-chun. "And that incessant singing of music you can't even march to... What is that cacophony? We have asked the traitors to the south to please keep the commotion down so our people can get some sleep. Without sleep, they cannot be productive workers, but does the South care? No, they do not. They scoff at us. Go ahead and ask them."   "Scoff at them?" replied South Korea's President Lee. "I suppose if calling a country a cesspool of barbaric assholes is scoffing, then we plead guilty. Personally, I would say we insult them, but you know, some people are too dumb to know when they're being insulted. Hey, if the shoe fits, wear it. Oh. I forgot. Most of the people in the North have no shoes."   "Please relay to illegitimate President Lee the fact that while our massive military may have no shoes, they do have boots," replied Yong-chun. "We shall use those boots to march over their ineffectual soldiers. To counter the enemy's intentional drive to push the situation to the brink of war, our revolutionary forces are making preparations to begin a holy war at any moment necessary based on nuclear deterrent."   "Bwahahahaha," responded President Lee. "Hee hee hee hee hee... It is to laugh. Tell that moron Kim Yong-chun that not only do the people of the North have no shoes, not only do they have no food to eat, they have no religion, so how the hell does he think they're going to have a holy war? Oh, and tell him to look right across the border at Aegibong Peak."   "Oh, that is so obnoxious," said a stunned Yong-chan, laying down his binoculars. "And for the South, so incredibly bold that it gives me pause. A hundred foot Christmas tree with a plus sign on top, surrounded by festive holiday carolers so richly adorned that our citizens would surely revolt from pure envy if they were allowed to see it. That is beyond provocative...You win this round, President Lee, my morale is temporarily sapped."

Endangered Entrées

"The Shark Conservation Act has finally passed the finish line. Oceana applauds Congress and its ocean heroes for passing such an important piece of legislation.  Sharks now have a reason to celebrate this holiday season." - Beth Lowell, federal policy director, Oceana   Well, good. Because when I think of Christmas, there's nothing that warms my heart more than the vision of a swarm of celebrating sharks. For all I know there may well have been a shark in the manger on that long ago night in Bethlehem, so I'd hate to see our dagger-toothed predators slighted.   But it isn't a very festive occasion for our Chinese friends, now is it? Not when our activist do-something congress has worked overtime for the passage of the 'Shark Conservation Act', an insane piece of legislation that will make getting a decent bowl of Shark Fin Soup an even more difficult and expensive act than it already is.   The bill conserves sharks rather than preserves them, in that it places no restrictions on the harvesting of sharks. What it does is require fishermen to retain the entire shark prior to inspection, rather than just cutting off the fins and dumping the shark back into the ocean. Critics note that this necessitates the hauling of tons of fish for only a few pounds of payoff.   "This will, of course, have a chilling effect on Chinese restaurants around the world," said renowned Chinese chef Chan Yan-tak. "But I believe you will find the effect most harsh here in the United States. Even though most upscale eateries have an ample stock of shark fins, the impact will be immediate. Millions of Americans eat at Chinese Restaurants on Christmas, but this year they should not expect to see a smiling waiter cheerfully greeting them. And do not even dream of ordering a bowl of Shark Fin Soup. We will be keeping it for ourselves. For your loss and sorrow, you have only John Kerry to blame!"   "Talk about your unintended consequences," moans Senator Kerry who sponsored the bill. "Like any man of wealth and taste, I love a good bowl of Shark Fin Soup, but from what Mr Yan-tak said, I'm the last person on earth who will ever get to taste it again. They'll probably have my picture in the kitchens..."   "Look, I profess no affection for any creature that would just as soon rip you apart as look at you, but I saw this as a public safety bill. You see, when the fisherman take these animals, cut their fins off, and dump them back into the ocean, it's an ugly scene. Sharks are vicious enough to begin with, but you do that and they get so pissed of they'll bite into anything with two legs. I know that for a fact. I was windsurfing a couple of years ago and was attacked by a finless hammerhead that nearly bit my board in two trying to get at me, so I'm afraid I've got to advise Mr Yan-tak that if he wants the fin, he's going to have to deal with the whole shark."

genius on the world stage

Tensions were dramatically lowered on the Korean peninsula early today when South Korea's President Lee received an unexpected missive from insane dictator Kim Jong-il. "Happy holidays from the fun and freedom loving citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea," it read. "You've been punked."   Suddenly and without a word of warning, North Korea had backed down from it's pledge to inflict "brutal consequences beyond imagination" upon South Korea. They just didn't "feel any need" to respond to the South's silly military actions since they recognized them for what they truly were - "nothing but a childish play" for attention. Not only that, but the south was just "firing shells left unused during the military provocation on Nov. 23 - you know, the one where we blew up their island."   "Well, those guys really dodged a bullet this time," said President Lee. "If North Korea had subjected us to brutal consequences beyond imagination, we would have retaliated big time. There's no telling what we might have done. I know we've talked about responding to their attacks in the past, but we've had about enough and this time we really meant it. Maybe the ferocity with which our military was firing our missiles into the Yellow Sea frightened them, I don't know. It sure as hell scared some of the bluefin tuna."   North Korea wasted no time in trumpeting the remarkable diplomacy they showed by refraining from inflicting brutal consequences beyond imagination upon the South, calling upon the world to recognize "who is the real supporter of peace and who is the real provocateur of a war."   "It's true that I'm a South Korean," said United Nations  Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, "but today I must speak out in my role as a representative for the entire world and say Stick it up your ass, Jong. You bet we recognize who the real provocateur is."   Aside from their own love of diplomacy, North Korea had another more practical reason to avoid conflict at the moment, it's realization of America's insidious plot to use "South Korea's military provocation" to force the North into a war that would save the U.S. from bankruptcy.   "Damn, I can't believe they figured it out," said a disappointed President Obama. "Those guys really are the sharpest tools in the shed. I was going to call it Stimulus II, because if the last ten years have proven anything, it's what a beneficial effect a couple of good wars can have on the economy. Oh well, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

So long, Captain

It's kind of strange to say that Don Van Vliet has died, since he seemed
to have gone a long time ago. He had been largely silent for the
last three decades, painting in the desert. His art looks like his music
sounded, simultaneously complex and primitive. He will be missed for
much longer than he's been away.

Birther Lakin's Big Day

It was a day of ups and downs for Lieutenant Colonel Terrence Lakin, a day in which he got what he asked for only to find that he didn't really want it, then got something he didn't ask for that made it all worth while.   Lakin, as you may recall, is the Army doctor who refused deployment to Afghanistan because Barrack Obama was born in Kenya and therefore was not the boss of him. So certain was he of this fact that he posted YouTube videos telling these truths in which he invited the Army to court-martial him if they were foolish enough to disagree. They did and they did, sentencing him to six months before they kick him out dishonorably, a punishment he felt to be way harsh.   "I don’t want to end this way," he said tearfully - because in truth few people really like to consider the fact that they've just thrown away their career, retirement and reputation because of utter nonsense.   "I want to continue to serve," he continued, almost moving through the five stages of grief in one thirty second statement. (Except the acceptance part, of course.) "It crushed me not to be on deployment. I can be on a plane tomorrow. I’d truly do that." This turned out to be an offer the Army could refuse. Lankin is entitled to an appeal, but the Army is a bit quaint in the sense that he'll be appealing from prison.   "I would not do this again," he explained, although I suppose we'll never have the opportunity to find out. "It was a confusing time for me, and I was very emotional. I thought I was choosing the right path, and I did not."   Still, as sorry as Lakin may be for disobeying the order to deploy, he still feels as though he was correct in his assertion that Obama was the mastermind of a fiendish plot to illegitimately seize the presidency and drown America in the bathtub of Socialism, a conviction that instantly endeared him to Rupert Murdoch.   "We're pleased to offer Col. Lakin an analyst slot on FOX News, to begin as soon as they let him out of the brig," said programming chief Roger Ailes. "We could really use someone aside from Ollie North to help us with military coverage, and Col. Lakin has shown the sort of spunk we're looking for. We want to thank him for his service, and I hope he finds something in the mid-six figures acceptable."   "Well," said Lakin as the MPs led him away, "I guess it's been a real rollercoaster kind of a day."

Elmo's demise

Elmo, the beloved furry red creature who loved to be tickled, is dead at the age of 38. The mainstay of children's television, originally known only as 'baby monster', was apparently a victim of Muppetcide.   "Although he was nearly forty, he pretty much had the mind of a precocious young child," said Kevin Clash, Elmo's long-time manager. "That's part of what makes this so tragic. He didn't know how to avoid dangerous situations, and... I unwittingly sent him to his death."   Clash does indeed bear at least partial responsibility for Elmo's tragic demise. He had been asked by First Lady Michelle Obama to lend a hand in her promotion of the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act, and had suggested filming a meeting between Elmo and White House chef Sam Kass. Unfortunately, Kass was not told about the meeting in advance, and the rest, much like Elmo himself, is history.   "I never should have gone for the element of surprise," Clash says sadly. "And I should have taken into account how very busy and stressed out the kitchen staff is during the holidays. I haven't been able to make myself watch the entire film, just up to the part where the chef lurches... Apparently, the little guy never knew what hit him. There were no signs of a struggle, and... this is a heartrending day for us all."   Metro police indicate that no charges will be brought against Kass. Washington D.C. currently has no ordinances against strangling a Muppet.

Blue Christmas

Tis the season to be jolly, unless you're Senator Jon Kyl. Because there's a frightening chance that there will be no visions of sugarplums dancing in his head this year, no sound of reindeer hoofs clickety-clicking on his roof.   Jon Kyl loves Christmas, absolutely adores it, but Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is doing his darnedest to ruin his yuletide spirit by holding out the awful prospect that he might force the Senate to work through the holidays.   "It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Kyl moaned, his bottom lip quivering, "without doing - frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."   But Harry Reid doesn't care about Jon Kyl's longing to once again gaze with awe at his hometown's live nativity scene, and Harry Reid isn't concerned about the disturbing possibility that Jon Kyl's stocking may not be hung by the chimney with care. Because Harry Reid is a miserable son of a bitch.   "He is, he is," Kyl agrees. "I remember last year, he made us stay in school... I mean in the Senate, he made us stay in session until almost Christmas Eve, and then I had to get all the way home to Arizona and I was so tired, but... but at least I did get home, and enjoyed a little of the holidays. But this year he says he may make us work the week after Christmas, too. What am I supposed to do? Vote on his stupid legislation? What?"   "I think Harry Reid is a pagan, I really do. That's the only rationale I can think of. I mean, he came out on the Senate floor yesterday and said 'Christmas is a week from Saturday', and I'm saying 'Oh boy! Oh Boy!', but then he tells us we're going to have to work. He said it was because we had stalled and stalled and stalled. You know what he was saying, don't you? He was saying that we had been naughty. Who does he think he is? Harry Reid is the Anti-Clause."   "I guess if worst comes to worst, I'll try to make the best of it," Kyl says bravely. "I hear there are a couple decent eggnog bars in Georgetown, and uh... a few of the guys were talking about doing a little caroling on Capitol Hill... Last night I went down to see the National Christmas Tree, and... It... It looked like some kind of weird tricked-out rocket ship. God, I want to go home for the holidays."

Steele runs again

Michael Steele has stunned the GOP political establishment by announcing that, contrary to conventional wisdom, he will once again run for Chairman of the Republican National Committee. Stunned is Politico's word of choice, not mine. Anyone who's been watching this guy knows he's tenacious as the Taliban with an ego as big as all outdoors. The fact that nobody seems to want him around is not a factor, nor is the fact that five other people are challenging him for the job, including his own general counsel. And if he's in it, he's in it to win it.   "Critics are talking a lot of trash about fundraising and talking a lot of smack about major donors," Steele told puzzled RNC members in a conference call, most of whom had no idea what talking smack meant. Referring to his record of alienating nearly everyone in his party, Steele humbly admitted "Yes, I have stumbled along the way, but have always accounted to you for such shortcomings. No excuses. No lies. No hidden agenda." In other words, no known cover-ups. Then, perhaps in an effort to suggest that it could make for some mighty ugly PR to not re-elect the highest profile African American in the Republican Party, he added "Who you elect as our next Chairman will speak volumes about our willingness to truly be the party of Lincoln." And then he ran off to do the Greta show on FOX. "My style is a little bit different than most conventional Republican Party chairmen," he boasted to Van Susteren. "I'm much more of a street guy."   "Mike who?" Steele laughed when asked about Mike Duncan, the former RNC Chair who has vowed to work for his defeat. "That boy is too chickenshit to even run for the job again. I whipped him last time, whipped him good. And if he tries again, I'll beat him like a red-headed stepchild."   "He really can deliver quite a beating," admitted Steele's red-headed stepchild Rusty O'Malley. "I remember the first time that he laid eyes on me. He glared at me for a couple minutes and then hit me with a right hook that knocked me half way across the room and had me seeing stars. He just kept wailing on me, yelling 'who's your daddy' until I finally told him that my daddy was Bryan O'Malley. I guess he knew that was a lie, but he seemed happy just to get an answer."

go cry on somebody else's shoulder

Zappa does Lennon

Royals in distress

"Oh my God, Charles, the peasants are revolting!"   "Yes, they certainly are, Camilla. Of course it's no coincidence that they're referred to as peasants. My mother always used to say that you could take a scrubber out of the streets, but you couldn't take the streets out of the..."   "They are in the streets, Charles! I believe they're attempting to halt our automobile!"   "Not much of a chance of that occurring. The Rolls Royce Phantom VI is one of the most powerful automobiles in the world. Do you know how many horsepower this..."   "Heavens! They're right outside our window making lewd gestures and yelling... Well, I can't be completely sure what it is that they're yelling."   "Oh, the usual, Camilla, 'Off with their heads'. That's so cliché. I believe I hear a few shouting 'bugger the Queen', and... Oh, that was so rude. I shan't tell you what they're yelling about you. Completely disrespectful."   "Why on earth are these young people behaving in such a disgraceful manner?"   "Personal grievances, Camilla. Parliament just announced a plan to triple university fees, and they're probably upset over the possibility that they may have to drop out of school and join the work force. Not that the work force really has any more room for someone without a proper education, but the fact is..."   "Bloody hell, they're gobbing on our windows. Why isn't our security stopping these ruffians?"   "Mmm, it looks to me as though they've got their hands full fighting back the rabble... You know, perhaps it wasn't a good idea for us to take the Rolls out through this part of town tonight."   "Don't be a twit, Charles. What's the point of owning a nice car like this if you're not going to use it?"   "Valid point, Camilla, although I could have done without the twit reference. After all, I was kind enough to spare you from hearing about the shouts of horse-faced minger that were directed towards you."   "That was very gentlemanly of you, Charles. I would have been quite shocked to hear such a thing."   "I know that I was disturbed by it, which is why I chose to keep it to myself. I think that... Damn. Was that paint? Camilla, they just threw white paint on the Rolls."   "White? Oh my God, that's going to look completely dreadful! Let's go home, Charles. I find that I've suddenly lost my appetite for going out tonight."   "Just as well. They're trying to roll us over anyway."

the daily dysfunction

Congressional Democrats erupted into a petulant frenzy of righteous indignation today in reaction to the package of tax cuts and unemployment extensions that was a much better deal than any of them had any reason to expect mere days earlier.   Faced with the prospect of an even more inflexible Congress in January, Vice President Biden was dispatched to discuss the package with the Senate Democratic caucus, who showed their appreciation by keeping him waiting by the water cooler for forty minutes before finally agreeing to verbally abuse him for the next two hours. Reportedly, they felt much better after being given the opportunity to vent. Then the lucky Vice President got to repeat the experience with House Democrats.   "Your first day in the prison yard, you've got to punch the biggest guy out or else they're going to keep doing it to you," said Anthony Weiner, reflecting on his time at the Otisville Federal Correctional Institute. "Of course you usually find out that was a big mistake, and if you're lucky enough to live you're going to get butt fucked by the second biggest guy. I guess that's what happened, because Biden just gave me a funny look and said 'this is the deal, take it or leave it'. Well, I might have to take it, but I don't have to like it'.

small business celebrates tax cut extension

"Hey, buddy... Hey... Yeah, you with the fancy schmancy suit on... How bout a red hot? Yeah you, Wall Street, I asked if you wanna dog. Best dogs in town. C'mon, I'm celebratin, have a dog. Mustard, onions, chili, the works. Of course I got sauerkraut, you kiddin me? Okay, here you go, one Iron Mike's all the way."   "Nah, fuggedaboutit. Like I said, I'm celebratin. Usually be four bucks but this dog's on me. Course you wanna drop somethin in the tip jar, nothin I can do about it except say thanks pal. What? You want change for that? You didn't buy nothin, buddy, I ain't gonna give you change. What do I look like, a friggin bank? Just drop the whole thing in the jar, you look like you can afford it. There you go... Thanks, pal."   "What am I celebratin? Same thing I'm guessin you are unless you always indulge in a dog at eight-thirty in the morning. And I know you don't cause I never seen you at Iron Mike's before. The tax cut, Rockefeller, we got our tax cut extention. Boy, it looked a little shaky there for a little bit, but now we gonna be able to face the new year with a little more confidence."   "Whadaya mean, do I do this part time? Hell no, Sherlock, I'm out here eight hours a day, five days a week slingin dogs. Used to be twelve hours seven days a week, but the past coupla years have been real good to Iron Mike's, so I hired a couple part timers to run the stand when I'm not here I'm a mall businessman, that's why I'm celebratin the tax cuts. Real friggin important for us entrepreneurs."   "Yeah, more people eatin dogs, guess they're gettin tired of that upscale froufrou food. Then I added the gourmet dogs, your kielbasas, your polishes, your brats, even added a tofu, figured I'd get some business from you Wall Street guys. Never did, but a lot of other folks like to stop by and treat themselves. Now I'm not sayin I'm pullin a quarter mil yet, but if I was, I don't need Uncle Sam to be eyeing my margin too closely, know what I mean? Yeah, course you do, forget I asked."   "Sure I gotta napkin, whadaya talkin about, this is Iron Mike's, we're a full service joint. Here you go, pal, Napkin's on me. Course you wanna drop somethin in the tip jar, nothin I can do about it except say thanks."

The Confidence Builder

In a move designed to renew confidence in the nation's military mission in Afghanistan, General Petraeus appeared this morning in a pre-taped interview on 'Good Morning, America', stoking up enthusiasm for the effort to an all time high.   "I think-no commander ever is going to come out and say, ‘I'm confident that we can do this'," Petraeus said in response to George Stephanopoulos' question about whether we could maybe get out of the godforsaken country by 2014, please.   The General  noted that we had a 'reasonable prospect' of victory, but emphasized that "I don't think there are any sure things in this kind of endeavor.  And I wouldn't be honest with you and with the viewers if I didn't convey that."   "You know, honesty is the most important attribute that a good commander can possess," he continued. "Not to deemphasize intelligence, because that's important also. Without intelligence, you really wouldn't be able to come up with good strategy. So intelligence and honesty... Well, bravery, I suppose that goes without saying. It gets pretty scary out there sometimes. Those Taliban can be pretty frightening, not to mention the al-Qaeda, who are downright terrifying. Not to me personally, but still. Of course we've rooted out pretty much all of the al-Qaeda. They're hiding out in Pakistan because they're a little short in the bravery department. Honesty is extremely important, though, but I guess it ranks third behind intelligence and... Hold on a minute, George, I left out cunning. You can have the most intelligent strategy in the world, but you need more than a little cunning to execute it. And I guess I should throw in stamina. I mean, Christ, how long have we been fighting in that shit-hole now? Almost a decade, isn't it? Yeah, if it wasn't for stamina, I would have been out of there long ago. So like I said, intelligence, cunning, bravery, stamina and honesty are the most important attributes of a good commander. That, and the trust of the American people, although there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that one but be as honest as possible and admit that I have no idea if we're accomplishing anything at all in that corrupt little cesspool, but if we are, I can assure you that it all will have been worthwhile. Of course, I've got to admit that's a little bit of a value judgment on my part. Hey, just being honest here."

Merry Zappadan to all

Do you have Prince Albert in the can?

It's just come to light that notorious former cult leader, criminal mastermind, and part-time male model Charles Manson was caught earlier this year with a cell phone hidden under his mattress. The phone was discovered after a Dominoes delivery boy unexpectedly showed up with three large pepperoni and mushroom pizzas. The 76 year old Manson had an extra thirty days added to his life sentence for the infraction. He will also receive additional counseling, which seems like a waste of a perfectly good counselor.   Prison officials indicated that Manson had made numerous calls and sent text messages from the phone, but would not reveal whether any of them were crime related. Their purpose may be hinted at, however, by a message from Manson obtained by CBS that was recorded by a 'friend'. In the recording the elderly psychopath sings one of his newer compositions.   "I've seen the world spinning in fire," warbles Old Crazy Eyes, sounding a bit like a demented Louis Armstrong. "I've sang and danced in the Devil's choir. And I say to myself, what a wonderful world..."   "It's pretty clear to me that he's interested in restarting his musical career," said singer/songwriter Brian Wilson. "The thing is, he never had any talent and he hasn't improved with age. I guess the Beach Boys are partially to blame for encouraging him... When I was incapacitated and no longer working with them, Manson got to be friends with my brother Dennis, and the guys actually recorded one of his crappy songs... Huh. And they always said that I was the crazy one."

Senate approves new jobless training

The Senate today passed a new program for jobless training by an margin of 64-36. The new bill, with a startup cost of $450 million, is known as the HOBO Act (Homeless, Obsolete, Broke and Outtawork), and will provide training in at least two dozen major urban areas across the country. Unlike many failed programs in the past which attempted to provide job skills that employers preferred to outsource anyway, the HOBO program will focus on the skills required to deal with joblessness. "Over the years, the word hobo has taken on an undeservedly negative connotation," said Jim DeMint, one of the co-sponsors of the bill. "The truth is that hobos hold a very noble and important place in this nation's history. They're not like tramps, who work only when they absolutely have to, and nothing at all like bums, who don't work at all. They're colorful vagabonds who travel around the country, taking whatever work may come their way, whether it's picking vegetables, working in carnivals, or painting your garage for the price of a sandwich."   "This is a far better use of our scarce resources than yet another extension of unemployment," added Jon Kyl, another of the bill's co-sponsors. "Let's face it, once you've been out of work for 99 weeks, nobody is going to hire you. That's just the way it is. You reek of desperation, and that's something no sane employer wants to add to their payroll. It's much better to just accept your fate and hit the road."   "At first I was reluctant to support the HOBO act," said Olympia Snowe, "But then I realized I was just denying reality. This is training that can make life a little better for America's downtrodden. I have to ask myself, if I was homeless and on the road, would I know how to catch a critter in the woods and safely prepare it for consumption? Would I know how to hop aboard a moving freight train and make my way to a strawberry harvest? The answer is no, so I feel that the training this program provides can make a real difference in people's lives."   "The president broke the economy, and it's going to stay broken for a long time," said Mitch McConnell. "Even after we get our tax cuts it's going to be too little too late. The HOBO Act is an acknowledgement of that fact and a signal to the nation's many unemployed workers that it's time to just move on." The bill will now proceed to President Obama, who is expected to sign it at a ceremony outside of a freight yard outside of Quantico, Virginia.

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The GOP's most lovable presidential candidate is out with a new book which is destined to warm the cockles of your heart, assuming you're the sort of person that likes their ventricles  heated.   'Can't Wait Till Chrismas', supposedly autobiographical, tells the story of young Mike, a mischievous lad. A boy so impish and untamed, in fact, that he simply can't wait for Christmas. A demon child, you might say. One so totally out of control that he talks his sister into sneaking downstairs with him in the middle of a night which is not Christmas eve, opening his presents and playing with them. Somebody must have spared the rod on this little bastard, because not only does he play with his toys, but in a fiendish act of deception, he rewraps them and returns them to under the tree. No one except for Santa and Jesus suspect a thing, not until Christmas, anyway, for that's when the unwitting hellion unwraps his longed for football only to discover that it's muddy. How severely is he punished? You'll just have to read the book to find out.   "I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was trying to piggyback off of Sarah Palin's new book," admits Huckabee. "I figured some of her followers might go to pick up her book and then decide to add something else a little more intellectually stimulating."