Baconalia!

America's canines barked raucously in a cacophony of jubilation today as world-renowned fine dining chain Denny's announced their latest culinary celebration - Baconalia™.   Their new special menu, which sent all breakfast loving patriots into a spasm of joyous hosannas, features such delectable treats as bacon flapjacks, where bacon is embedded in every delicious bite, the Ultimate Bacon Breakfast™ (no explanation needed), their patented BBBL&T Sandwich™, with 8 strips of bacon (served on a bed of fries on a potato bun and only a mattering of that vegetable crap), and for dessert - a must for any serious bacon lover - their reportedly scrumptious Maple Bacon Sunday™ (redundantly monikered creamy vanilla ice cream, topped with bacon, doused with maple syrup, more ice cream, more syrup, and the piece de resistance, more bacon).   "In a way, this is a political statement on our part," said Denny's CEO Denny Hamlin. "Obama's nanny state mentality with his constant harping on healthy eating is a real threat to our business. Baconalia™ should change all that. Seriously, if bacon wasn't good for you, do you really think I could be a NASCAR champion in my spare time? I think when our new ads featuring Newt Gingrich hit the air,  it's going to really drive that point home."   "Oh yes, I really do love bacon," agrees Gingrich, polishing off his second Maple Bacon Sunday™. "As a true American, I love my wife Callista, but I guess I love bacon even more. But you know who doesn't? Aside from Barack Obama, that is. Muslims. And I'm proud to know that from now on I should be able to enjoy a hearty breakfast without sharing the space with any of those people. But if there are, they'll be the ones sitting there with just eggs on their plate."

The Shutdown Act

"...which is why I'm now introducing, and urging the House to pass, the Government Shutdown Prevention Act. Now what this bill does, it says that if the Senate does not pass a budget resolution by April 6th, then the one we passed will be the law of the land. In addition to that, it says if all else fails and the Senate brings about a shutdown then members should not get their pay."   "That's a really stupid bill, Eric."   "It is not, Boehner. It says that the Senate doesn't get paid. I doesn't say that we don't get paid."   "What you don't..."   "You just don't like it because you didn't propose it."   "We need..."   "God, you are one petty son of a bitch, Boehner. Everybody told me that I should challenge you for Speaker, but I was like, no, Boehner deserves the job."   "Eric. Remember when you first started in the House and they had that class on how a bill becomes law?"   "Yeah? What's your point?"   "Well, as you might recall, the Senate has to pass the bill as well, and then the President has to sign it."   "Don't talk down to me, Boehner. That's for budget bills and this is not a budget bill, it's a bill that says what happens if there isn't a budget bill."   "Eric? That isn't just for budget bills, it's for all bills."   "Oh yeah? What about when we voted on me for Majority Leader? The Senate didn't get to vote on that."   "That wasn't a bill, Eric. This is a bill, and if the Senate doesn't pass it also, it doesn't become a law... Eric?"   "So... Are you saying, for example, that the Health Care Act hasn't really been repealed?"   "No, I'm afraid it hasn't."   "Do all of the other member of the House know about this?"   "Not all of them, Eric, but quite a few understand how it works."   "Oh man, oh man... What about the voters? Do they know?"   "Some of them, Eric, but they're probably the ones who wouldn't vote for you anyway."   "And you're not just pulling my leg?"   "No, I'm really not much of a leg puller."   "Sorry for calling you a son of a bitch, Boehner."   "That's okay, Eric, I've been called worse. I'm sorry for calling your bill stupid. And you know what? I don't think it would hurt to put it up for a vote anyway. It makes it look like we're really trying to avoid a shutdown but still serious about budget cuts."   "Yeah... I guess it does. You know what? You really do deserve to be the Speaker."

cake

"Innocent Ogbuta, just what the hell is this supposed to be?"   "It's your wedding cake, Chidi, the one you said would make your dreams come true."   "It's making my nightmares come true, you incompetent son of a bitch. I told you clearly that I wanted a life-size cake made in my resemblance as I would look on my wedding day."   "I know. Isn't it marvelous?"   "It most assuredly is not. That cake doesn't look a thing like me."   "It, uh... I think it comes pretty close. For a cake."   "That cake makes me look fat."   "Maybe a little. But in my defense, it took five weeks to make, and, you know, you have been on that crash diet, and uh, I guess it is a little thick around the middle..."   "Fat! Is that what you think about me? And take a look at my dress. No, not the cake, my dress. Uh huh, uh huh, you see the problem? No? You tell me, genius, does my dress have friggin layers?"   "No, it doesn't, but... I guess they do that so that the cake doesn't topple over."   "The gloves go right up to the armpits! Oh, you idiot! Nobody's going to want to eat me now."   "Well, uh, all the more for me."   "You think that's funny? You think that's funny?"   "No. I guess not... I'm sorry, Chidi. I'm sorry I screwed up your dream cake, but..."   "Everybody is staring at it!"   "Sorry. I'm sorry, but can't we just get on with the ceremony?"   "I suppose so, but you better make this up to me on our honeymoon or there's going to be hell to pay."

unflappable

In the past, I have told you that Newt Gingrich is not really a serious candidate for president. I have asserted that what he is doing is exploiting the idea that he is a serious political figure. It's a beautiful scam but it's all about the money, money he can only raise by seeming to be a serious political figure. At least one person disagrees with my assessment, and to my surprise, that person joins me tonight as my special guest.

Good evening, Rachel. I would suggest that there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

Perhaps... My instinct is that in order to seem to be a serious political figure, and to further enrich yourself via that conceit, you have to flirt with becoming the most serious political figure in the land.

As you clearly demonstrate through your lifestyle choices, Rachel, your instincts are dead wrong. America needs a commander in chief with the courage to tell the truth, not a commander in chief who is confused about whether his job is kicking a soccer ball or leading the United States, and I am such a man.

Far be it from me to imply that you are a ball kicker, Mister Gingrich. That would imply that you were a team player. As far as I can tell, the only balls you want to kick belong to Barack Obama.

I would suggest that the majority of the American people join with me in that simple desire, Rachel.

Perhaps... But do you really think that the majority of the American people can seriously visualize you in a presidential role? You may be - and this would be quite an accomplishment - you may be the biggest flip-flopper in the history of American politics. Even Mitt Romney can call you a flip-flopper without feeling self-conscious. Just look, for example, at the contortions you've been through in the past week trying to explain your position on Libya.

I'm disappointed in your lack of research, Rachel. You obviously don't read my Facebook page because I clearly explained there that what I've said about Libya is directly based on what Obama has said on a given day. I can't be faulted because he keeps changing the course without telling me. I am totally consistent in being diametrically opposed to Obama at any given time.

Imagine for a moment a world in which Barack Obama did not exist. A world in which not only was he not born here, he wasn't born anywhere...

Is this one of those meditation techniques? Because it's really starting to relax me.

Go with it. If this was in fact an Obamaless world, what would your position on Libya be?

That's simple, Rachel, much like you. If you're not in a lake, don't jump in.

Seriously? If you're not in a lake, don't jump in? Okay, let's try another hypothetical. If you were in a strange neighborhood and saw a woman being brutally beaten and raped, what would you do?

I've got a strong sense of self-preservation, Rachel, so if I was in a strange neighborhood and witnessed that sort of assault, I'd go straight to somewhere safe and call the police. Anonymously.

Let's say that you saw the attack, knew the woman's life was in real danger, and that you had a very large firearm. What would you do then?

If I had a large firearm that Obama hadn't taken away yet? Well, let me ask you a question, Rachel. What does this woman look like?

She looks like me.

Nice try, Rachel, but I'm not about to fall for your gotcha question ploy. If I say that I wouldn't intervene, then you get to accuse me of homophobia. If you're not in a hole, don't dig one.

That's all the time we have. I want to thank Newt Gingrich for having the courage to come here to the Rachel Maddow Show.

Thank you, Rachel. I really enjoyed having the opportunity to verbally best you.

three questions for the shallowest man in politics.

Everybody from Barack Obama to Scott Walker is at one time or another remarked upon for their uncanny resemblance to the Fuhrer, but you know who's never compared to Hitler? Who else lately has conducted a campaign of going door to door, closet to closet pogrom of killing their own people (or disinfecting the germs from every room, as he prefers to phrase it)? I mean, seriously, Newt, just like Gaddafi, isn't it time for you to go away?

Rumsfeld:  I just learned the word 'bling' about a month ago. … Whenever you learn a new word, you have to use it four or five times so it gets fixed in your head, and so I've used it, probably imperfectly from time to time, but I've used it." POLITICO: “Can you use it in a sentence for us?” Rumsfeld: "I can: When she arrived in the office, I noticed she was well blinged."   "This year has been quite a tough one," said Snoop Dogg upon hearing about the increasingly hip former Defense Secretary. "First Nate Dogg dies on me and now Rumsfeld is dropping words like blinged. It's been a bad couple weeks, without a doubt. You probably expected me to say 'fo shizzle' but if Rumsfeld is going to speak like that, I'm speaking the queen's English and taking up the banjo."

The GBN

It's an exciting day in the broadcast industry, as reports hit the media that Glenn Beck, following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey and Martha Stewart may start his own network once his contract with FOX News expires.   "The Glenn Beck Network would be nothing at all like Martha Stewart's or Oprah Winfrey's channels," says Joel Cheatwood, a former senior Fox News executive who now works for Beck's Mercury Radio Arts. "Instead of being full of fluff, it would be fun of gravitas, while still providing the entertainment value people have come to expect from Glenn. It wouldn't be a competitor to FOX News either, because we wouldn't labor under the pretense of being balanced or fair. That's one of the slogans Glenn came up with - 'Life isn't fair and neither are we'."   Assuming the network is launched, a full schedule is currently under consideration. Aside from a live broadcast of Beck's radio show and an expanded edition of his FOX Show, segments already in the planning stages include a nightly newscast with anchor G. Gordon Liddy and 'The Nighttime Show' with host Dick Morris.   "I don't know why that guy isn't already under contract with somebody," says Cheatwood. "Morris is funny, personable, intelligent, and he does a great imitation of Nancy Pelosi. Imagine if we could get him to do that in drag!"   "We're also in talks with Ellen Page to do a daily show, kind of in the style of Jerry Springer, only better. If she signs on, we would call it 'Ellen's Degenerate Show', and the idea is to have her confront all manner of undesirables - Muslims, drug addicts, liberals, sex offenders, intellectuals, atheists, the list goes on and on. It's wouldn't be exploitative, more like trying to figure out what makes these people tick." "'American Patriot' is a show that Glenn is very enthused about," Cheatwood continues excitedly. "It would feature sixteen competitors who vie for the prestigious title of  'America's Top Young Patriot Who's Not an Elitist or Nerd' by singing patriotic songs. "It would be nothing at all like 'American Idol' because, like I said, the songs would be patriotic and the judges would all be retired marines and astronauts." Other shows under consideration include 'The Monogamist', wherein a happily married man would be severely tempted by a bevy of half dressed Hollywood starlets, a religious themed sitcom titled 'How I Met Your Maker', and an ingenuous new show called 'The Biggest Gainer', which would follow a group of anorexic young women trying to establish a healthy metabolism.   "That is such a brilliant concept," Cheatwood marvels. "Instead of watching a bunch of chubbys trying to shed the pounds, you'd have a group of potentially hot chicks who are going to look better every week. And the ladies will love it too, because it's part cooking show. We would have America's top chefs feeding these girls delicious foods that you would just die for."   Perhaps the most exciting show, as well as the real ratings grabber, is already a go when the network launches.   "It's called 'Guess That Palin'," Cheatwood announces proudly. "It would be a weekly show in which a different member of the Palin family would appear and attempt to stump a panel of blindfolded guest celebrities who are trying to guess their identity through a series of questions. Now I know what you're saying, 'Jeff, there's only a finite number of Palins', but the thing is, they could come on multiple times. Like, Willow could be on three times in a row for all our celebrities know. And to add to the fun, we plan on using only celebrities who are really spaced out or really dumb, or hopefully a combination of both. For our debut show we would love to have Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, and Courtney Love, but if Lindsey Lohan is available, we'd love to talk to her about becoming a regular."

handicapping 2012

"...and to my way of thinking, the 2012 primary field for the Republicans just is not very exciting at this point. I don't think any reasonable person can argue with me, do you Rove?"   "No, no reasonable person..."   "Palin isn't in, she may never be in,  but if she does get in, and if she did manage to win the nomination somehow, there is no way in hell she could ever win the general election. I mean, people may not like Obama, but at the end of the day I think that Palin is too shrewish and, quite frankly, dumb, and opportunistic and self-aggrandizing for the majority of Americans."   "Word, Bill. Every liberal in the world would show up to vote against her and the majority of conservatives would probably stay home in disgust."   "Exactly what I said. It's a case of better red than dead, because I think most folks would rather be Communists than corpses. Now Huckabee, no word from him, no sign from him, he's probably gonna sit things out, wait until 2016."   "Yep, because if Palin did somehow win, we'd certainly want a primary challenger waiting in the wings."   "Romney has two strikes against him, the health care thing and the Mormon thing. I'm personally not prejudice but a lot of folks aren't ready for a Mormon president. Gingrich, bright guy, best ideas guy in the party, but a lot of people don't like smart guys of dubious character. I like him, but that's me... Tim Pawlenty looks like he's definitely in - what say you?"   "I'm sorry, Bill, I kind of drifted off for a moment."   "My point exactly. Barbour, whatever.. Huntsman, the Obama connection... Santorum, now you're just being ridiculous. There is one person who's been getting a lot of publicity lately and that is Donald Trump, who said that if he decided to run for president he would be willing to spend six hundred million of his own money on the race."   "Well, he'd have to Bill. Who in their right mind would be willing to give money to Donald Trump?"   "No one reasonable, and that's my point."   "You didn't really seem to be making a point there, Bill."   "Rove, have you ever played doubles tennis? You don't strike me as much of a sports guy, but in doubles tennis you sometimes score by allowing your partner to go for the ball. I let you have the ball and you made my point."   "Oh."   "Trump also seems to be somewhat damaged by the fact that most Americans see him as a smarmy and thoroughly odious human being. I like him, but that's just me. Another negative is that he's been saying a lot of things that are clearly ridiculous."   "The thing is, I don't think he believes his words are ridiculous. Like yesterday, right here on Fox News, when he's talking about all his experience with world leaders..."   "Which consists primarily of selling luxury penthouses to dictators and ousted despots."   "Right, right, heh heh... and he lets slip the secret that he dealt with Gaddafi, which everybody already knew..."   "Which everybody who watches FOX News already knew."   "...and he brushes back that horrible hair and says 'I screwed him'... Oh man, I was doubled over with laughter. Because, I think, he was being completely sincere."   "Yeah, he screwed him because he rented Gaddafi a piece of land he didn't use and then refused to give him a refund. Gaddafi probably didn't care if he got a refund, Mister Trump. He probably rented the land with the blood money of the Libyan people, you money-grubbing nincompoop.."   "Good point, Bill. Donald Trump, politically speaking, is a mental midget. The man makes Sarah Palin look good."   "Sarah Palin does look good, Rove, she just doesn't look like a good candidate. Given the disastrous field, do you think Jeb Bush or Chris Christie might get in? Or even Fred Thompson?"   "I pray to God so, Bill."

the optimist

"Colonel! Colonel! The roof is on fire!"   "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn! God, I love that song, Hassan... Have I ever told you that you are my favorite human alarm clock that I have ever employed?"   "I prefer the tem enslaved. Nothing personal, however. I just mean in the financial sense."   "Nonsense. Where else could you work where you could afford such luxuries as shoes."   "Well, pretty much anywhere, Colonel. We all have shoes now. I suppose it is those little airplane bottles of Johnny Walker that keep me in your employ. That and the guards. But as I said upon entering, the roof is on fire..." "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!"   "I believe that I shall gather my wife and other possessions in order that I might escape a blazing demise..."   "Do not be such a nervous Nellie, Hassan. My compound is very secure, and underneath the roof I have a special line of defense - another roof. I had it put in after Ronald Reagan treacherously bombed me back in 1986."   "Double roofed? I did not know that... Still, you will be single roofed very soon."   "It is of no consequence. I am quite content to reside in a tent, and as a son of Libya you should be as well. Perhaps I have made life too comfortable for you."   "Yes, I am sure that's the problem, that and my irrational fear of being blown asunder."   "You know what we could use? More human shields. The West is always skittish about murdering civilians."   "That is so harmful to the image of the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya as a peace loving nation."   "It is going to be a long war, Hassan, and we will fight for every square in our land, with whatever weapons we possess. Furthermore, we have a vast number of rebels that we have imprisoned, and in all fairness, you cannot really call them civilians, can you?"   "No, I suppose not..."   "Of course not. We will target any traitor who is co-operating with the Americans or with the Christian Crusade and when we unleash our... Whoa! What was that loud exploding sound?"   "Let me look... Uh, it appears that the Christian Crusade just took out your military command center."   "Excellent. I needed a new one anyway. Do you have any more good news for me?"   "Well, the US chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said that you staying in power was one possible outcome of this hostile incursion, assuming you do not have any fatal accidents."    "A breathtaking display of cowardice and lack of confidence. There is no such thing as an accident, Hassan."   "And, uh, Prime Minister Putin said that the allied actions remind him of a medieval call for a crusade."   "It does, it does! That man is a veritable fount of wisdom. I think I will call him tomorrow to ask when I can expect Russia's support troops to be joining us."

rude awakening

"Colonel, we need you in the State Room. The Frenchies have begun flying through the skies of Libya, and it seems..."   "Hold on, let me take my earbuds out... Guard, instead of interrupting me on a pleasant Saturday afternoon, why not make yourself useful by getting me a cup of coffee. And... one of those little French pastries. With the date filling."   "It's odd that you should mention French pastries, Colonel, because that is why you need to meet immediately in the State Room with your commanders."   "Oh, they have pastries in the State Room?"   "Not as far as I know, your Excellency... I came to inform you that French military planes are flying through our air space like they own the place... Why are you laughing, Colonel?"   "Because I laugh at the French. They excel at making pastries, but at fighting the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya forces of Muammar Gaddafi they are a joke."   "Then they are a joke that has begun targeting our military assets. We need to go to the State Room now. They have already destroyed four of our tanks, including one containing  Commander Sihs Boombah."   "Sihs Boombah? Those accursed Frenchies. Nevertheless, they are still a joke, albeit a bad one. And I, your King of Kings, am still waiting for a cup of coffee."   "Well Colonel, how do you feel about the British? Because Prime Minister Cameron now says their attacks are imminent."   "I sneer at the British. You know that I do not have the warmest of regards for those people, with their disgusting food and horrible weather. As fighters, they are a little bit better than the French, but no match for the Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution. Of course, who is?"   "The United States, perhaps? As you know, they are providing logistics for the attacks, as well as weaponry of their own."   "The United States? Really? But I have had our American diplomat insure them that we are abiding by the cease-fire and that it is the rebels who have broken the cease-fire. I felt sure they would have backed down by now."   "I suppose that they do not believe you, your Excellency. I know, that is hard to believe, but your track record leaves something to be desired. Another vital point - the rebels never said they were going to hold a cease-fire."   "They didn't? That hardly seems fair... Still, I am unworried. I just sent Barack Obama a very nice letter saying that I love him like a son."   "He may be aware of the disdain you hold for the majority of your sons."   "Still, a nice letter like that... I don't think he'll harm me."   "Obama has left the country, leaving Hillary Clinton in charge."   "Mohammadamnit! Well, I suppose there is nothing more to do other than fight on to victory."   "You could come to the State Room and meet with your commanders."   "Get me my coffee, and perhaps I'll think about it."

a derivative piece

"...now the way Congressman Blankfein explained it, the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Destruction Act's requirement that OTC derivatives be moved onto Swap Execution Facilities would be a fee bonanza for the trading houses but that money would be lost profit for the corporations themselves. Have I stated that correctly, Mister Blankfein?"   "Perfectly, Boehner."   "Good, good, these things are really complicated and I want to make sure I have my facts right. Now, that's why, uh... and that would be a bad thing, right? The lost profits?"   "Very bad, Boehner."   "So you see, uh, the requirement for OTC derivatives to be more formally traded is likely to result in a proliferation of, uh, SEFs, as many as 40, the CFTC thinks."   "You don't have any idea what you're talking about, do you Boehner?"   "Not now, Eric. You're going to make me lose my train of thought."   "That train has already jumped the track, Boehner."   "Heh, heh, the Majority Leader is making a little joke... At my expense as usual. The bottom line is that the rule could fragment trading and reduce liquidity, which, uh, is bad, and that's why the House Majority is prepared to fully support Congressman Blankfein's legislation to roll back the..."   "Hold it right there, Boehner. One major problem, as I see it, is the fact that Lloyd Balnkfein is not a US congressman and therefore he is not entitled to introduce legislation."   "Barney Frank, what are you... That's uh, ridiculous. Of course he's a congressman. Aren't you, Mister Blankfein?"   "Indeed I am, Boehner."   "Oh yeah? What district?"   "No need to be rude, Mister Frank. I am the esteemed congressman from Goldman Sachs."   "Bogus. You're going to have to introduce the bill yourself, Boehner, and if you're going to introduce it, you better be able to explain it and it's repercussions."   "Come on, Barney, Boehner is our Speaker and you should give him the same sort of respect that the Republicans gave to Nancy Pelosi. Mister Blankfein is well versed on the issue and it's impact on the business community, which is why we asked him to help us draft this bill. Of course Boehner doesn't understand derivatives. The truth is, none of us really do, and we shouldn't be regulating something that we don't understand."   "Good point, Eric."   "I understand derivatives, Cantor. That's why I put the damn rule into the Wall Street Reform bill."   "Oh sure, and now we're supposed to just take the word of Barney Frank, huh?"   "Snappy comeback, Boehner."   "Uh, thank you, Eric. I think. Now this will be our first step towards repealing the odious Dodd-Frank Wall Street Destruction Act - no offense intended, Barney - and I hope that in the days ahead we can reach a bipartisan consensus to keep our noses out of places where our noses don't belong, and uh... thank you all for coming."   "Dismissed, Boehner."   "Yes sir, Mister Blankfein."

the pre-victory speech

People of Libya, sons and daughters of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, I beseech you to cast your gaze up to the horizon and tell me, what is that in the sky? Is it a bird? No, it is not a bird. Is it a plane? Indeed it is. Very good, you got it on the second guess.   Perhaps you thought I was going to surprise you with the revelation that it was Superman, but I assure you that I am no Superman, just a superlative man that loves his people very much and rules them with an iron fist. But that iron fist is encased within a velvet glove which now wishes to caress your cheek and tell you that our period of turmoil is near an end, and that our drug addled youth are on the verge of being unable to harm our great nation much longer. See, here comes another of my war planes now to help convince them of the error of their ways.   Besides a bird, do you know what else is not up in the sky? United Nations coalition forces imposing a 'No Fly Zone'. No, I do not see a single one of those and I am scanning the sky quite intently. Perhaps it is because the world now sees the wisdom of our fight against the rebels. After all, I present no threat to the West, although the rebels most assuredly are.   We are a unified people, but the rebels would split Libya into the many tribes from which we are formed: the Warfalla, which is a pretty good tribe as far as tribes go; the Al-Zintan, a wicked tribe which is mighty quick to throw a rock; the Al-Abaydat, which is relatively harmless, but not from lack of trying; the Al-Qaddadfa, which sounds a little too much like al-Qaeda for comfort; the Al-Zuwayya, whom I might remind you just recently threatened to destroy our oil reserves... then of course there are the Al-Rijban, the Drasa, and the Al-Haraba, troublemakers all; the Warfalla... What? I already mentioned them? Sorry, I just like those guys... You know who I did not mention? The Awlad Busayf. I do not believe anyone wants to see the Awlad Busayf have independence. Show of hands, who here likes the Awlad Busayf? Guards, shoot those men.   At any rate, I believe I have made my point, which is that we are composed of many tribes, so unless the world diplomatic community wants to have to deal with twenty-three new countries, they had best leave me alone. Because I tell you honestly, some of those guys would just as soon slit your throat as look at you. My apologies to anyone here today who is descended from one of those tribes, which is all of you, but you know that I speak truthfully.   The good news that I bring you today is that the United Nations appears to get it, and shall leave us alone. Oh, it is true that they say they are currently distracted by a minor crisis in Japan, but I think we all know the truth of the matter. Sometimes it is better to deal with the devil you know than to deal with the twenty-three devils you do not.

We got your unfair right here

Michele Bachmann took a page from the Palin playbook today, telling a friendly talk show host that the media had reported her Revolutionary War misstatements only because she was a conservative politician. To her credit, Bachmann refrained from using the grade school phrase 'lamestream media'.   “We all know there’s a double standard in the media," she told Laura Ingram, "as we know all 3,400 members of the mainstream media are part of the Obama press contingent.”   The mainstream media immediately pushed back, stating that it had over 7,000 members and that Bachmann had "simply pulled the lower figure out of her ass."

Beck reveals hand of God or Gaia or Whatever

Glenn Beck today became the first celebrity lunatic to publicly blame some deity or another on the tragic catastrophes in Japan.   "What God does is God's business, I have no idea," he told his vast radio audience before going on to reveal that of course he had some idea. Not only that, he had the exact text. "I'll tell you this: whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus - there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just sayin'."   The stuff we're doing should stop being done, remarkable words from a remarkable man, yet Beck could not accept his own counsel, choosing instead to continue his customary course of giving totally nonsensical advice. "Make sure you keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times," he suggested, fully aware of his listeners proclivity for driving with their feet hanging out the window. "Things are gonna get bumpy and, just a few reminders there at the beginning as this rollercoaster takes off, always a good safety tip: Keep your arms and legs in." Oh. A rollercoaster, not an automobile... I suppose his guidance is equally valid for either scenario. "Don't do anything stupid," Glenn continued, a Sisyphean command seemingly beyond the ability of any good Beckian. "What do you say we follow the big top ten. You can call them Moses' ten commandments, or ten rules of Um. What do you say we start doing those things? Because the things we are doing really suck and they're not getting better."   "That just sounds like crazy talk to me," said Evangelist Pat Robertson. "I mean, the very first Rule of Um is 'Thou shall consume no condiments that have not been individually packaged'. I don't think that would have spared the people of Japan. I don't think anything would have. The quaking of the earth, the wrath of the ocean, the reaming of the mountaintop, and the melting of the fuel rods... It's pretty clear that God was determined to rid the Japanese people of their Buddha worship once and for all."

Black Amour

As the devastation from Japan's near-apocalyptic disaster continued to grow, yesterday's media was filled with reports that the future of America's move to greater use of nuclear power was gravely threatened. But that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone. Today, a new dawn and a new round of Sunday talk shows proved the indominatability of the American spirit.   There was, of course, a certain amount of caution. On 'Face the Nation', Senator Joe Lieberman said that the US needed to 'quietly'  put the breaks on nuclear development "until we can absorb what has happened in Japan as a result of the earthquake and the tsunami". But then, after we finish absorbing, "I don’t want to stop the building of nuclear power plants. It's domestic, it's clean when nothing goes wrong, and it's ours. And when I say it's ours, I mean that it's mainly owned by people like John Rowe and the Koch brothers, who are Americans last time I checked."   Massachusetts congressman Ed Markey agreed with Lieberman, all but conceding that we shouldn't build any more nuclear plants in seismically active areas until a safety review is completed. "I don't know about tsunami prone areas," conceded Markey, "but even if you took both areas off the table, that still leaves a whole lot of good places to build. Like Massachusetts."   Senate Minority Mitch stood firm in his support for the nuclear industry. "I don't think right after a major environmental catastrophe is a very good time to be making American domestic policy," he told FOX News Sunday. "I called my friend John Rowe at Exelon and he agreed thoroughly. The Obama administration is always eager to use any catastrophe to impose new business-strangling regulations, and I am going to use this opportunity to denounce him preemptively."   "The United States needs to work to free itself of dependence on foreign oil," Senator Chuck Schumer told 'Meet the Press', adding that he was "still willing to look at nuclear power. Look at it? That's putting it a little too lightly. I'm willing to gaze at it longingly. Nuclear power is like a dark and dangerous seductress, you've got to approach her safely, carefully, but you want her so much that it's hard to resist. It's black amour."

Your World with Neil Cavuto

Undeclared GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney became quite miffed today during a brief FOX News interview with Neil Cavuto, visibly furrowing his brow several times and at one point even muttering under his breath. From the transcript:   Cavuto: Joining us now is former governor and possible presidential contender Mitt Romney, creator of the Massachusetts monstrosity known as Romneycare. Good afternoon, Governor. How long do we need to keep up this ridiculous pretense of calling you a possible presidential contender?   Romney: That's a good question, Neil. As you know, there haven't been any major candidates who have declared thus far, so it would probably be foolish of me to be the first.   Cavuto: Yes, but you were the first governor to establish a state-wide health care plan with an unconstitutional individual mandate. Are you saying that doesn't make you feel foolish?   Romney: Not at all, Neil. The needs of my state at that time are quite different from the needs of the nation at this time, so I...   Cavuto: But you wouldn't dispute my contention that what you did was unconstitutional, would you?   Romney: Yes I would, Neil. When you look at...   Cavuto: You probably should be in jail. Or at the very least, subject to one of those, uh, you know, where they vote you out of office before the end of your term...   Romney: I think recall election is the term you're searching for. We can always discuss this at another time, Neil, but I'd like to get to the topic that we had agreed to discuss.   Cavuto: The New Jersey presidential preference poll? I've totally lost interest in that. Back to Romneycare, I wonder if...   Romney: It is interesting, Neil, and it is significant. I beat out Governor Christie in his own state.   Cavuto: Yeah, yeah, 12 to 11 with a three point margin of error, big woof.   Romney: I think the significant thing...   Cavuto: Please, Governor, if you want to discuss this I think we should mention the follow-up, 'How would you vote if Chris Christie were a declared candidate?' He beat you 21 to 8 when it was phrased that way.   Romney: In all fairness, Neil, I'm an undeclared candidate also.   Cavuto: Oh my, aren't we the coy one. Now Governor, I wonder if you'd like to apologize to America for introducing Romneycare? David Axelrod said today, on a different network, that you were the inspiration for Obamacare...   Romney: He's just trying to get my goat. The Obama administration spends more time talking about me than 'Entertainment Tonight' spends talking about Charlie Sheen.   Cavuto: That was a pretty good line the first few times I heard it but you know, I watched 'Entertainment Tonight' yesterday and they've moved on to other things. Now the way I see it, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even be going through this national nightmare that is Obamacare - or maybe we should call it by it's real name, national Romneycare - if not for you.   Romney: That's not really fare, Neil. I was...   Cavuto: In a way, you could say that Romneycare is even worse that Obamacare because it was created by a Republican, which really makes you a traitor. Would it be fair to call you the Republican Benedict Arnold?   Romney: No it wouldn't. Listen, Neil, I prayed about it and I asked God to forgive me for what I did, and I believe He has.   Cavuto: Sorry. I don't think it works that way.   Romney: But it worked for Newt Gingrich...   Cavuto: Governor, Governor, Governor, you have really tried my patience here today, but before I go, let me explain a few things to you. First, that was on the Christian Broadcasting Network, and they don't really get a lot of good guests like we do here at FOX News. Secondly, unlike Romneycare, Newt was praying for forgiveness from a transgression of the flesh, while you're a Mormon. And finally, let me ask you a question. Are you a former and future employee of FOX News?   Romney: No. [inaudible]...   Cavuto: There you go. Thank you so much for appearing here today on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto', Governor Arnold.

Capitalism at it's best

Capitalism in it's purest form seeks to maximize the corporate profit while minimizing investment. Having a consumer base is an absolute must, and for optimal profitability, there is no better consumer base than a captive one. That explains why heroin distribution has always been seen as such an exciting career opportunity. You just can't beat if for repeat business, and whatever the price of your product, the price is always right.   Prescription drugs are a mighty fine market to have a stake in as well, and unlike smack, they have the additional benefit that the entrepreneur is rarely murdered or arrested. You have the same repeat customer base with the same understandable fear that they will get very sick if they don't get your product.   For a number of years there has been a weekly injection given to women in high-risk pregnancies. A form of progesterone, it doesn't have a cool name because it's been prepared in pharmacies that do compounding. It has been proven effective in preventing premature births, which is a good thing because preemies, when they live, can rack up one hell of a medical bill. The cost of the drug is about fifteen dollars an injection.   Recently a company by the name of KV Pharmaceutical obtained FDA approval to manufacture and market the drug through their Ther-RX corporation. They gave the drug a cool sounding name, Makena, but branding it was about all the effort they had to put into it because the drug had already been developed. Doctors and pharmacies were happy about this development because it meant one less potential liability issue they had to deal with, and women were happy because the more ready availability meant they wouldn't have to visit a doctor in a town where they had access to a compounding pharmacy.   Yesterday, Ther-RX announced the availability date of Makena (next week), as well as the cost - $1500 a dose, 100 times the cost of the previous formulation. (Pepe the Pill Pusher's eyes just fall out of their sockets as he realizes that he chose the wrong business model.) With a woman receiving as many as twenty injections that's $30,000 dollars, an expense most aren't prepared to deal with. But don't worry, KV Pharmaceutical has it under control, and your co-pay will be a reasonable $20 per injection.   "I'm breathless," said Aetna Insurance's Dr Joanne Armstrong, and well she should be. Did you ever wonder why Medicaid costs and insurance premiums keep going up? You might think they would just say there weren't any problems with the old drug so just stick with that, but they can't. In a happy coincidence, KV has sent cease-and-desist letters to compounding pharmacies warning of FDA enforcement should they continue. There may be those who see KV Pharmaceutical as capitalism at it's worth, but at the end of the day they need to look in the mirror and ask themselves one question - why do you hate America?

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

In a piece designed to bathe their less fortunate readers in the warm glow of schadenfreude, today's Wall Street Journal provides the headline advice 'Don’t Envy the Super-Rich, They Are Miserable'. Based on a much longer article in The Atlantic, the Journal gives a synopsis of a survey on the sorts of constant sorrow that are the heavy baggage of the wealthy.   The study of 165 households with an average income of $78 million shows, for example, that the typical respondent feels like they would require at least 25% more moolah to feel that they were financially secure.   "Miserable?" muses hedge fund billionaire John Paulson. "I don't know that I'd call myself miserable, but look at my face. Come on, there's a C-Note in it for you, so look at my face. This is not a happy face, but I prefer to call it glum. You know, I used to feel like I had the world on a string, but then I made the tragic mistake of acquiring vast wealth. Well, to other people it may seem vast, but to me it still feels inadequate." "Last year I was really despondent. There I was, fifty-four years old, and I had less than seven billion to my name. I just barely made the bottom of the Forbes forty richest Americans list. Really, once you get past the top ten, it's hardly even worth being mentioned. All I wanted, all I prayed for, was an additional 25 to 50%. I really wanted the 50%, but sometimes life requires you to compromise. Well don't you know my prayers were answered, and when I closed the books on 2010, I had 12.5 billion in the hopper. It really was a great year for hedge funds."   "The point is, I was happy. For a while. I made number twenty on the Forbes list, and knocked that bastard Donald Bren down to twenty-first. He's seventy-eight years old, he'll never catch back up with me now. Still, somebody will. I'm worried about that young punk Mark Zuckerberg. Facebook? What the hell is Facebook? Jesus, what's the world coming to when you can make a fortune in something like social networking instead of real world commodities like hedge funds? I'm miserable just thinking about it."

starved for entertainment

Pssstt... Come here! Yeah, that's right, over here. Don't be afraid, it's just me, your old friend Donald Rumsfeld. My God, I've been around since before the election of Dick Nixon, so you should know me by now. I'm pretty harmless nowadays, just an old man and his memories, the second volume of which I'm writing now. I've been to the four corners of the world and I've left my mark on a few of them while I was there. You might say that I've seen everything.   Have I in fact seen everything? Good question. I've seen Lady Gaga in a meat dress and I've seen the people of Egypt rise up and seize power from my old friend Hosni Mubarak and I've seen everything in between. In short, I can honestly say that I've seen everything that I've ever thought about seeing. But the truth is that there are known and unknown sights, and I can't claim to have seen the sights that I don't know about. So I haven't seen everything, but I have seen plenty.   Now come on over, I want to show you something that I guarantee you have never seen before. You'll find it on my website, Rumsfeld.com. Go ahead and click, it's just a video, it won't bite you. No, it's not pornographic per se, but then again that depends on your definition of pornography. But it is most assuredly very weird, which is why I need to give you fair warning - you might find it disturbing.   You know, I haven't gotten the sort of traffic on my website that I initially anticipated. People say it's boring and stodgy and I suppose an argument can be made in that direction, but all that's going to change now, because this isn't the only video of I've got. Ariana Huffington, look out, Rummy's on the move.   Back in 1983 I was Ronnie Reagan's Middle East Envoy, and as some of you might have read, we were rather friendly with Saddam Hussein's government. This was before we overthrew them, which is a good example of just how quickly things can change. Well, one day after concluding a meeting with Saddam, he gave me a present. Now this in and of itself was not unusual, because he was always giving me little gifts, but the nature of his gift was quite shocking. It was a video, the one I told you to click on earlier. It's quite striking.   You see, if there's one person in the world that Saddam hated, it was Syrian dictator Hafez al-Assad. He just despised the man, and was always telling me stories about his brutality. Don't worry, I wouldn't expose you to scenes of human torture. That's for my private collection. However, if you find footage of young people stabbing puppies in front of applauding Syrian leaders disturbing, this might not be your cup of tea.   It's not all puppicide, though, that's just one part. The best and longest portion of the video is the snake eating. And I'm not talking about snacking on snake with a nice Chianti here. The same young people I was mentioning earlier are standing in a line, each with their very own live squirming reptile, and on cue, they start biting the heads off while al-Assad and his thugs enthusiastically applaud. Very Mondo Cane.   Well, I hope you enjoy it. I look forward to people no longer saying that my web site is boring; I've got these videos and it's high time I started posting them.   Oh, and don't forget to click on the PayPal button.

Westboro Blues

Joining us now on FOX News Sunday is attorney Marge Phelps, the deplorable daughter of the deplorable Fred Phelps, pastor of the deplorable Westboro Baptist Church. Ms Phelps recently won her first amendment argument in front of the Supreme Court, but today she's in the news for another reason.

That's right, Chris. I got a lot of attention for publicly saying something that pretty much everybody already knew - the nine justices on the Supreme Court are all going to burn in Hell.

Don't you think that's a little harsh? They just ruled in your favor, guaranteeing your right to disrupt any funeral that you wish to.

That's true, Chris, but they still are a bunch of Catholics and Jews who defend homosexuality and abortion, so I hardly think my judgment is nearly as harsh as God's will be.

But all nine? Do you believe even Justices Thomas and Scalia will be cast into the lake of fire?

I have no objective indicator otherwise. The default for mankind is hell. Unless you bring forth fruits meet for repentance, the assumption is that you will end up in hell when you quit your life on this earth. You know who will be joining the Supreme Court in eternal torment? Barack Obama. There, I said it.

Yes you did, right here on FOX News. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day so I hate to challenge you, but are you absolutely sure all the justices and the president are going to burn?

Absolutely Chris. That's a big 10-4. I already answered on the justices. The president is going to be king of the world before this is all said and done, and he is most likely the Beast spoken of in the revelation. You really can't get much more damned than that.

Okay. Just for fun I thought we would show you pictures of some famous people and get your opinion on their chances in the afterlife. Let's start with House Majority Leader John Boehner.

Oh my, why even ask? He's a smoker, a drinker, a profaner, and he plays golf on Sundays. You know who'll be escorting him to Hell? His little Jewish sidekick Eric Cantor.

Pelosi? Please, don't even show me anybody else from the House... My dad calls it the whore House, and I agree and so does God.

Sean Hannity? He's double damned. Not only is he a Catholic, he's said some very unkind things about Westboro Baptist Church.

Rob Zombie? I would be quite surprised if he doesn't end up being cast into the bottomless pit.

Glenn Beck? I can sum it up for you in one word, Chris - Mormon.

PeeWee? He's already done his time in Hell, Chris, so I'm pretty sure he'll be okay in the afterlife. Not positive, but pretty sure.

Puh-lease, Chris.

Rahm Emanuel? He'll be working in Hell as the main doorman.

Get that harlot's picture away from me, Chris. If Obama is indeed the AntiChrist, Sarah Palin is his devil bitch-dog Jezebel.

Well, Ms Phelps, we've gone through about ten people and you've pretty much condemned them all to Hell.

I didn't condemn them, Chris, they condemned themselves. Besides, I said I thought that PeeWee would probably be alright. Do you want to know about your own eternal fate?

No.

We'll be back after a commercial break with Senators Orin Hatch, John McCain, and John Kerry.

Hell. Hell. And Hell.