after the summit

The long awaited 'summit' between President Obama, the GOP leadership, and a fistful of Democrats finally took place this morning, resulting in what the President optimistically described as 'productive' and 'a good start'. Even more positively, he described it as 'very civil', meaning there was minimal shouting and no one called him a Nazi.   "A good start, huh? Is that what he said?," asked a bleary-eyed John Boehner later in the day. "I suppose that's another reference to his SALT treaty. The man is relentless. We had a very nice meeting today. Of course, we've had a lot of very nice meetings. Me, I'm not a morning person. And I was looking forward to a nice meal, which I guess is asking a little too much for one of these morning get-togethers. Still, if the President was really serious about working together, he could at least have offered up a few Bloody Marys."   "That's quite true," agreed the ageless Harry Reid. "Me, I am a morning person, so it was more like three in the afternoon from my perspective. Plenty late enough for a couple of stiff ones. I'm afraid that coffee and a Danish just doesn't cut it."   "I respectively disagree with the Senator from Nevada," said Jon Kyl. "Some days I practically live on coffee and Danish, but Jesus, prune Danish? What the hell was Obama thinking? Nobody likes prune Danish, except maybe for Arlan Specter, and that man is history. As well he should be. Anyone that would eat that crap is not someone I want to work with."   "God, I ate a bite of one before I knew what it was and I almost barfed," exclaimed Nancy Pelosi. "I didn't know what to do with it after the first bite, so I just put my napkin on top of it and pretended I wasn't hungry but I couldn't get the taste of it out of my mouth. That's why I kept drinking more and more coffee. God, am I wired. Is it just me or did that coffee taste weird, too? God, I've got to go to the ladies room."   "Must be the coffee," chuckled Mitch McConnell. "Kenyan, no doubt. You know, protocol demands that if you serve breakfast - even a semblance of breakfast such as this one was - you at least offer a glass of orange juice..."   "Preferably with a healthy shot of Absolut in it," added Boehner.   "You know, John, not all of us like to drink in the middle of the workday," chided Steny Hoyer. "Uh, let me rephrase that, lest I sound too elitist. Not all of feel comfortable drinking in the middle of the workday. But I agree with you 100 percent that all of us should at least have the opportunity to drink during the middle of the workday, and Obama apparently just didn't see that as an option. What's your take on it, Young Gun?"   "I don't drink, but freedom of choice is the cornerstone of our democracy," replied Eric Cantor. "But I do like prune Danish."   "Obviously," laughed Reid. "You ate three of them."   "I see that you as good at counting Danishes as you are at counting votes," quipped Cantor. "But I was famished. I would have eaten anything you put in front of me."   "Well, he could have asked us to stay for lunch," asserted Dick Durbin. "The meeting lasted halfway through lunch time, and it would have been the courteous thing to do. But no, Obama has to rush right out and brief the press on all the progress we're making. I don't think we're making all that much progress, do you, Mitch?"   "Heavens no," admitted McConnell. "Although I think that we're all in concurrence that a little chow would have helped ease the path forward." "Yeah," agreed Cantor. "Jeez Louise, I wish he had at least offered. It's not like you get an opportunity to go to the White House all that often."   "Well I do," cautioned Pelosi. "Be careful what you wish for, Young Eric. This was about as much fun as it gets."   "We've got bipartisan consensus on that," agreed Boehner.

the battle for symbolic victory

"Well, this is really a revolting development, isn't it, John?"   "It certainly is, Mitch, and like most revolting developments, I believe the first reaction on our part should be to get a drink."   "That's your first reaction to any development, revolting or not."   "Touché. But you can't deny that this is a revolting one. Obama announcing a two year freeze on all raises for government workers. How do we oppose that?"   "It's not going to be easy, particularly since you put it in that stupid 'Pledge to America' of yours."   "The pledge is not stupid, Mitch..."   "Yeah, well, how many times have I told you never to put anything into writing? That's the stupid part. Obama is obviously going to play this up as some sort of symbolic victory, the first blow in the fight to reduce the deficit."   "Oh yeah, no doubt. But I think that we can play it down. I mean it's only a couple of billion dollars, hardly a drop in the bucket."   "Symbolism, John, symbolism. It's going to be all over the TV. He's out there telling federal workers that this is part of a broad national sacrifice, and meanwhile we're busy focusing on tax cuts for millionaires."   "Those aren't just millionaires, Mitch, they're our financiers."   "Uh huh. Uh huh. That makes for a great sound byte, doesn't it Tan Man? No two ways to cut it, he just took the rhetorical upper hand."   "Oh, I don't know, Mitch. You know, I went on record a couple of weeks ago saying that I was going to fly commercial."   "That made quite a splash, didn't it? Don't you see what's going on here, Boehner? Obama's going to try and triangulate. Don't you remember Bill Clinton?"   "Vaguely..."   "Let me tell you something, Boehner, those who remember history are likely... those who don't remember history... how does that go?"   "Those who don't remember history are unlikely to be troubled by a guilty conscience."   "Something like that. So tell me, how do we deny Obama a PR victory on this, even though it was pretty much our idea?"   "I don't know, Mitch. Let's go get a pitcher of martinis and listen to Rush. I'm sure he'll come up with something."

Lresidential lip injured

In an incident destined to quickly become a metaphor, President Obama's lip was attacked today by the left elbow of his personal aide Reggie Love. The assault was precipitated by a dispute over the ownership of a basketball. Love was immediately wrestled to the floor by Secret Service agents, who took the basketball outside and destroyed it in a controlled deflation. The ball's carcass was sent to Bethesda for further examination, and Love was released after extensive questioning.   Thanks to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the President was able to see a doctor in less than four hours, even though he didn't have an appointment. He received twelve stitches, and according to attending physician Doctor Vinny Boom-Batz, "he was very brave about the whole thing", refusing the offer of having the procedure performed under anesthesia.   "I feel terrible about the whole thing," Love remorsefully said afterward. "But the thing is, the President wants you to bring your A game. So I had the ball and he wanted it, but I didn't want to give it to him. Well, he leaped up in the air and knocked it away from me, so I was mad. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said, like 'I'm gonna get that ball back, sucker'. Next thing I knew he was dribbling up the court. He jumped up to make a shot, I jumped up to block it, and... the rest is history. Or at least metaphor."

Thanks for the memories

Eight and a half years after Tom Delay illegally funneled corporate money to his Texas colleagues, eight years after they took over the Texas house, seven years after they used their new majority to push through his redistricting plan (allowing them to take even more seats), five years after he was indicted for conspiracy to violate state election laws and forced to step down as House Majority Leader, four years after he left Congress rather than face the voters, and one year after he was eliminated from 'Dancing With The Stars', The Hammer has finally been convicted of money laundering. That's Texas justice, folks, and it's been a long time coming. "This is an abuse of power," Delay predictably told reporters. "It's a miscarriage of justice and I still maintain that I am innocent," he continued with a straight face. "The criminalization of politics undermines our very system, and I am very disappointed in the outcome."   Well, of course you're going to be disappointed in any outcome that carries a penalty of five years to life, although apparently Texas justice would allow the judge to reduce the sentence to probation.   It's hard to remember through the criminal haze of the Bush years, but Tom Delay was such a master of political demagoguery that he made his successor John Boehner look like a model of reasonableness by comparison. He was also a hell of a lot of fun to write about, and I indulged myself at least thirty times during the years of his downfall and exile. So come on along, let's take a trip down memory lane.

Abandoned... "By now, you have surely read about House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's ethics troubles. Probably, too, you aren't entirely clear as to what those troubles are--something to do with questionable junkets, Indian casino money, funny business on the House Ethics Committee, stuff down in Texas. In Beltway-speak, what this means is that Mr. DeLay has an 'odor': nothing too incriminating, nothing actually criminal, just an unsavory whiff that could have GOP loyalists reaching for the political Glade if it gets any worse. The Beltway wisdom is right. Mr. DeLay does have odor issues. Increasingly, he smells just like the Beltway itself." WSJ 3/28 The Wall Street Journal, huh? Cocksuckers. They don't know a fight. Me, I could care less. They're roaches, and that's something I know more than a little about. Conservative, liberal, they're all press, they're all cockroaches. What did they ever do for me that didn't help themselves? Not a goddamn thing, that's what, we roll 'em, check behind the fridge, the stove, it's filth, best thing to do is burn the whole place down. "Whether Mr. DeLay violated the small print of House Ethics or campaign-finance rules is thus largely beside the point. His real fault lies in betraying the broader set of principles that brought him into office, and which, if he continues as before, sooner or later will sweep him out."   Those are some pretty big words for a glasses wearing little faggot, don't you think? Their hair all smells like peaches and their fingernails, they shine. These media guy never get their pants dirty, they never have to get down into the real world where there ain't a hell of a lot of difference between shit and shinola. That's where the action is, baby doll, and that's where the world gets reshaped like a boxer's broken nose. And I tell you what. The ones that aren't evil and corrupt are plain stupid, like that pill popper Rush. Gonna defend me, asshole? How much do you think your pea-brained audience even knew about my family until you started yammering about it?   Leave me alone, all of you. Maybe you'll manage to bring down the hammer, maybe not, but in the end, you still got to stand before God and make him believe that you're something more than a bug to be squashed.

Lashing out... Just get the hell out of here with your idle threats, Pelosi. You think you can drop a dime on Tom DeLay and get away with it? Better men than you have tried it, Nancy. Yeah, you heard right. That was no slip of the tongue. You know I got some real good friends, don't you?  Like your homeboy, Randy Cunningham, the one from 'Happy Days'. He's from your own state, Nancy, and he's been keeping his eyes on you. "If they're going to go after Tom DeLay, we're going to go after Nancy Pelosi," that's what he said, girl, at least that's the cleaned up version. Something about reaming you a new asshole for free. That's not me speaking, that's someone who's got my back, and there's a lot of people in that army. Yeah, good old Ritchie Cunningham, angry man with an angry knife, and even better with a camera. You didn't think anyone would ever find out about Luella Hotpanteski, did you? HA! TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES! Oh. That's you're daughter? Well, she looks like a little tramp to me, and Tom DeLay has seen plenty of little tramps in his life, believe you me. And what the hell are you doing kissing her? Don't you liberals know how to shake hands? Okay, forget Cunningham, he's small potatoes anyway. I've exterminated bigger potatoes than that. But don't be surprised if you wake up in the morning and see a picture of you and THIS MAN, SPLATTERED ACROSS THE FRONT OF THE MORNING PAPERS. Well yes, I know that's Joe Lieberman, but he's a funny looking squirt, isn't he? And wouldn't all your colleagues like to know what's going on in the cloakroom... heh, heh, inquiring minds, I'm sure. Because if this picture wasn't cropped at the waist, I'm pretty sure that we could all see JOE'S HAND ON YOUR ASS. And that ass is something you better watch real close, Pelosi. I don't suppose you've met Cunningham's little friend, have you? The Fonz? No, not the frigging Friends of the National Zoo, I'm talking about Arthur Fonzarelli. Yeah, that's right, The Fonz, brutal warrior of the socio-political arena, good with his fists, better with a chain letter. He's working for me now, so be careful where you go poking that nose of yours. Now get the hell out of here, and don't let the door knock you... uh... don't let your ass hit the door... uh... don't let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you. Yeah...

Paranoia sets in... Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum Sleazy and corrupt, vulgar and dumb   Tom Delay, that's what I say He might be gay, that Tom Delay He's gonna get caught Just you wait and see - "Why's everybody always pickin' on me" So I'm heading up to the Hill this morning, reading the papers. I usually just scan the Post, the Times, and the Wall Street Journal, but with all the shit going down lately I've got one of my girls picking up another eight or ten papers for me. You know, just cull out the salient parts for me so I don't have to worry about surprises. Thirty minute ride and my driver has the radio set to WBIG, the 'Good Time Oldies' station. My favorite. Good stuff they play - Elvis, the Beatles, a lot of the good old vocal groups. I hear the Coasters and I ask the driver to turn it up, cause I love that 'Charlie Brown' song, and I need a little lift, you know? He just shrugs.   It takes about fifteen seconds to hit me. I can't believe what I'm hearing. That's not the Coasters, it's some goddam parody record and they're singing about me. That will not stand, I tell you. Tom Delay deserves respect. This is slander, pure and simple, and somebody is gonna pay for it. Who walks to the House floor, cool and slow Who calls Nancy Pelosi a ho It's Tom Delay, that's what I say He's not afraid, not Tom Delay He'll never get caught Even though it looks grim - Why's everybody always picking on him? Heh. That was pretty funny. What the hell is this - a bipartisan parody? Jesus, this country is getting weird. I don't even want to hear what's coming up next. "Turn that shit off, Watkins."   Oh man, I guess I need some sleep. Watkins is telling me he doesn't even have the radio on. That's not a good sign... I remember the last time I heard imaginary song parodies in my head. It was back when I used to own Albo Pest Control in Houston. All that bug spray got to me, I guess, went to my brain. And then when the IRS came after me, my head just went BLOOYEE.  I'm glad I went into politics.   Yeah, yeah, disco, I hated it, but it was operative. The ladies loved it, almost as much as they loved me. I mean, they didn't call me 'Hot-Tub Tom' for nothing. But all those Gloria Gaynor hallucinations...   What now? They're trying to put me away, man, fight fight fight, they can't take down The Hammer. Yeah, hammer time. Praise the Lord that sonofabitch didn't have a longer career. 'You can't touch this'. How many times did I hear that joke? A million too many, that's for sure, and now Ronnie Earle has stooped to a new low with his brand of prosecutorial abuse. Well, Ron-boy, you can't touch this. I'm the Intimidator. I'll squash you like a bug, burn you out like cancer.   The Intimidator. Huh. Maybe I should have paid more attention to NASCAR. The people love that. But screw it, I'm a golf jockey. Hole in one. Hole in Ronnie Earle, I wish. And I wish I had my secret service guys back. Roy Blunt, what a prick. And if he thinks he's going to keep my job he's gonna get hammered. Sure wouldn't mind a little help from the Prez, though, not that he's got a lot of political capitol left. Still... "Hey, Watkins, put on some music, would you?"   ...Just turn around Tom Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to bleed the people dry You're gonna crumble You're gonna lay right down and die And wonder why You won't survive As long as... Oh, man, it's going to be a long day.

The lost years... Marginalized? Damn right, I'm marginalized. I'm marginalized as a son of a bitch. It was yesterday, yesterday three years ago, but it seems like it was yesterday yesterday, fucking groundhog day 2006, and the oversized rodent from Punxsutawney sure as fuck didn't see his shadow on that day of infamy either. Yeah, that was the day those wiseacres in the House felt a momentary twinge of testosterone that lasted for just long enough for them to replace Tom Delay as House Majority Leader. They proceeded to put on the pink panties of submissiveness that day, old hoss, and they voted for one of the most effete losers in all of Congress, John 'Crybaby' Boehner. Did you read that paragraph? No you didn't, because I'm pretty damn sure that you missed something. The words I used were House Majority Leader, not House Minority Loser, and I knew at that moment that it was all over but the gravedigging for those bozos; they were gonna spend a generation in the wilderness, and fuck me if The Hammer didn't hit that nail right on the head. I was out of that pit of vipers as quick as I could clean out all of my accounts. I hightailed it home to the still red state of Texas, and never looked back, other than to laugh in vindictive righteousness once in a while.   'So, whatcha doing back?' you ask, to which I reply shut your fucking mouth and listen to what The Hammer has to tell you. Never once have I voiced a proposition without you moronic citizens forefront on my mind, and today I've got a message for that lamebrained Messiah you've elected as your Comforter-in-Chief. Hey Barack, you love Frankie Roosevelt so much, let me teach you a little history. Your boy Teddy took office on March 3, 1933, right? Google it. So, guess what did he do on his ninth day in office? This ain't a Jeopardy question, partner, so don't think about it too damn long. He repealed fucking prohibition, that's what the fuck he did. Yeah, nine days in, and happy days were here again, at least as happy as could be expected in the middle of a goddamn depression, which, last time I checked, is the exact same shit pit that you're standing in about now. Did repealing prohibition somehow pull the country out of financial despair? Hell no, but at least you could drink a goddamn beer in public without worrying about John Law getting all over your shit. You see where I'm going with this, compadre? You might have happened to notice the outraged reaction all across the country when Olympic Boy got exposed for toking on his bong... Did he get banned from all future Olympic games? Fuck no, get outta here, he didn't even get an asterisk. Well then, maybe he lost all his lucrative endorsement deals, huh? Fuck no, are you insane? If anything, he's going to pick up a whole new demographic. Yeah, and as far as getting slammed in the court of popular opinion, right here is what the people are asking: "Can you imagine how much dew he inhaled, with his world-class lung capacity?" Legalize it, Mister President, and that's the only time I'm ever gonna call you by your title unless you put some quality hemp on the street pronto. I'll tell you something, front and clear, because Tom Delay isn't afraid to admit anything to anybody. The Hammer likes to get hammered just as much as everybody else in Washington does. Why else would they keep forgetting to pay their taxes if it wasn't for the wacky weed? Tom Delay likes a good Texas-sized bong load of reefer along with his morning coffee, and he doesn't care who knows about it. You know who else likes a little ganja? You do, Obama, it's written all over your face - how the fuck else can you put up with three hours of marching bands, answer me that. And don't give me this 'when I was young' bullshit, once you develop a taste, you've always got a taste. Bill Clinton is still smoking weed, although he has to keep his bowl hidden from Hillary. Bush? Play that one in reverse, son; he has to borrow his bowl back from Laura. Are you kidding me? The fool was fraternity brothers with Root Boy Slim, for chrissake, he hasn't been straight a day since 1965 (which is just about the time that Ronnie Reagan started hanging out with the Rat Pack, if you get my drift). So give America a break and legalize it, why doncha? The government's been seriously fucked up ever since The Hammer left town, and The Hammer isn't coming back, not unless you want me to head up the Bureau for Reefer, Alcohol, Firearms and Tobacco. (RAFT, a much better acronym. My gift to you.) The U.S. of A. has fallen on hard times, Obama, and we're going to be pinching those pennies for a long time to come, so it would be real nice if we could see a little Roosevelt in your actions to help us all get by. Just remember the words of Freewheelin' Franklin who wisely observed that 'Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope'.

Cast from the Stars... Get outta here, all of you, get the fuck out. Leaving, yeah I'm leaving, and you know what? In my mind I fucking won. I danced my goddamn feet to splinters. You got the balls to do that? You don't have the balls to do that. I did the Tango, the Cha-cha, Meringue, the Mambo, it didn't matter to me, whatever the fuck they wanted to throw my way, they couldn't fluster Tom Delay. I'm an exterminator and I do my job. My job is my habit, and old habits die hard, just like the rumors of how the Hammer's time is over. Those cockroaches in the the media were gunning for me from Day 1, thinking they could call my number. They couldn't call my number. The high heels called my number. Yeah, it was those Capezio shoes with the two inch heels, that's what kicked Tom Delay's ass to the curb. Nobody warns you about that part of show business, all it says in the contract is is that the fucking shoes are provided by the production company. A perk, I think, a little  kickback. Listen, if you wanna keep a high profile in this town, sometimes you've got to get out there and shake you booty. But on my mother's grave, no real man will shake his booty while wearing 2" Capezios. But I was cornered. I had already signed the sonofabitch contract, and no real man ever breaks a contract. A social contract, maybe, but a legal contract, never. So I did it. I danced until my goddamn feet were crippled with stress fractures and I did it all brilliantly. I knew that either way I was doomed for a short period of time to the fate of not being a real man, so I chose the more lucrative of two sordid paths and I gave it all I had. I would have won, too, but for those fucking Capezios. People could not believe my animal grace. Some say that I was the best dancing Congressman ever, and I for one would not disagree. The cockroaches ask 'is this it for the Hammer? Have we finally seen him dance his last?' In your dreams, cockroaches, Tom Delay is the man who always comes back. And I'll be back for the season finale to dance the Texas Two-Step on your pauper's grave. In my own goddamn cowboy boots.

Jong's last splash

What the hell is that insane dictator up to now? That's the question upon everyone's lips today. Nobody even has to ask 'to what insane dictator do you refer', because even though there may be other dictators who are technically more mentally unbalanced - we're looking at you, Robert Mugabe - there are none who wear the, uh, field jacket of insane dictatorship more distinctly or proudly than Beloved Leader Kim Jong-il.   Why would Jong launch such an audacious attack on South Korea, which only now was starting to forgive him for sinking one of their warships and killing 46 sailors back in the long-ago month of March 2010? Why would he shell Yeonpyeong Island, home of the rare and delicious Kumouuri spiced crab as well as twelve hundred South Koreans, setting it ablaze, killing two, injuring nineteen, and sending scores of others running like hell to the ferry in order to get back to the mainland? Why? I mean, other than the fact that he's an insane dictator who loves the taste of Kumouuri crabs and feels that the island is rightfully his?   The Wall Street Journal explains it by saying Jong is a master of brinksmanship, which is simply a kinder way of saying that he's an insane dictator, and we already established that fact in our first rhetorical question.   The Financial Times tells us that Jong is playing poker, and this was his second ace; the first, of course, was the insane decision to show off North Korea's new uranium enrichment facility. Why play these two cards they ask, before proceeding to treat us to all manner of entertaining poker analogies, concluding with the wish that the West has more in it's hand than a broken flush.   The New York Times explains that Jong blames South Korea for the attacks. Of course he does - he's an insane dictator, and that's just the way they are. And while it's true that the South was staging military actions in the vicinity of Jong's country, Pyongyang was informed, and there is the inconvenient fact that South Korea is very much in the vicinity of North Korea.   What everyone in the press is quick to point out is the fact that Jong is a miserable, disease-ridden sack of shit who's just about ready to pack it in after two decades of keeping his people on a starvation diet while pursuing his dreams of military glory, all of which he is expected to pass along to his Westernized son, the adorable Kim 'Babyface' Jong-un. Perhaps, in his own insane way, Jong is trying to set the stage for Lil' Kim. This was certainly suggested in an interview with Steve Doocy that was taped last Thursday, but bumped to make room for FOX's continuing coverage of TSA junk touching. "I am sick and I am not aging gracefury," Jong explained to Doocy . "Nor do I intend to do so. If I can pass any personar rife ressons to my son about how the worrd rearry works, then maybe he won't disgrace me as badry as I fear."   "But rearry, there's my regacy to think of. I want peoper to remember me the way I was, a man who would just as soon annihirate them as give them the time of day. There's a poem, Steve, maybe you know it - Do not go genter into that good night, ode age should burn and rave at crose of day; rage, rage against the dying of the right... One rast internationar incident, that's arr I ask, one rast sprash."

not so funny now, is it?

Minoru Yanagida jokingly checks to see if his fly is truly open.   Japanese Justice Minister Minoru Yanagida has resigned from his post just two months after taking office. Yanagida disgraced himself and his party eight days ago by telling an unfunny joke. While his self-inflicted punishment might be seen as extreme, Japan has long had a tradition of leaving the job of dispensing humor to the experts. Speaking to his constituency in Hiroshima, Yanagida claimed that the job of Justice Minister "is easy because I only ever have to remember two phrases, which I can use whenever I am stuck for an answer to a question in parliament." Being a curious people, his constituency shouted out the traditional response - "What two phrases are they?"   "Okay, okay, the top two things a Justice Minister says... Number two, I refrain from making comments on a specific issue," replied Yanagida, presumably in a goofy accent. "And the number one thing a Justice Minister says is... We are dealing with the matter based on laws and evidence. Bada bing!"   The constituency responded with stony silence. Crickets chirped. People slowly began to drift away. Having committed humor hari kari, Minoru Yanagida was officially in disgrace, and there were no options left but resignation. Yoshito Sengoku, the man who will temporarily replace Yanagida's, called the resignation "regrettable but unavoidable."   "Minoru Yanagida is no comedian," explained Sengoku, "And he was foolishly risky to attempt such biting satire. As Parliament transcripts clearly show, Yanagida has indeed already used these phrases at least thirty-three times, so the humor was just a little bit too edgy for someone who is not a trained professional."

Male Catholic prostitutes rejoice

Male Catholic prostitutes around the world are celebrating, following a slight relaxation of Vatican rules on the use of condoms for anything other than making balloon animals or ingesting small quantities of cocaine for international transport.   "There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility," Pope Benedict said in an interview excerpted yesterday by L’Osservatore Romano. "Those perverts are already damned, so I suppose that throwing in a rubber isn't going to make much of a difference."   The Pope partially walked back these comments today after receiving some rather shocking news from Cardinal Jean-Pierre Ricard, the French archbishop of Bordeaux.   "It has come to my attention that there is a subspecies of male prostitutes sometimes referred to as gigolos," said the shaken Primate of Italy. "Hard as it may be to believe, these are male prostitutes that have unholy intercourse with women, often with women who may still have the capability of becoming pregnant. Furthermore, even though it is surely the usual case, there are a certain number of these male prostitutes who may not already be inflicted with AIDS. So to clarify my earlier remarks, there may be a basis in the case of some individuals, such as homosexual male prostitutes who are HIV positive, where use of a condom won't get them any deeper into Hell than they're already going."

Don't touch me there

An epidemic of virulent modesty has unexpectedly spread across the nation, as travelers recoil in dread at the prospect of being patted down or body scanned. Indeed, a new Gallup poll shows that having one's junk touched now ranks ahead of terrorism as the number one source of air travel trepidation.    "If a bomb goes off in the plane, it's all over with pretty quick," explains former passenger Luanne Simmons. "That's something I could live with. Well, for a few seconds, anyway. But a strange pair of hands on my body, that's something that would haunt me for the rest of my life."    "I have to agree with Luanne on that," added her husband Randy. "She doesn't even like my hands on her body so it would absolutely be a problem for her. Now me, I could use a good feel, but the thing that drives me crazy, the thing I find absolutely obscene, is the TSA's insistence on using same-sex screeners. I guess that's all a part of the liberal homosexual agenda, and I've got to ask myself, what if I liked it? What then? Well, I guess I'll never find out because I'm not going to fly again until they have the scanners at all the airports."   "That's not a very well thought out plan, Randy," replied Luanne. "Do you really want to have those perverts in the booths masturbating over images of your naked body?"   "No I don't want it, Luanne, but I'd probably be willing to take that gamble. I mean, those guys can't be masturbating all the time, can they?"   "No, I suppose not. And I don't guess it's all that different than now when they try to undress you with their eyes. But still, there's the possibility that one of the machines might be out of order or that you might set it off somehow through no fault of your own or..."   "Or they happen to pick you for one of those random searches? God, those insidious bastards. This is one of those no win situations. It seems as though we're earthbound, Luanne."

Reactions to the Ghailani verdict

The conclusion of the federal trial of former Guantanamo Bay detainee Ahmed Ghailani, which ended with one conviction and 284 acquittals, has left most everyone surprised, as New York City was not destroyed by terrorists hell bent on disrupting it.   "This is another great opportunity for us to rip the Obama administration," said a jubilant Mitch McConnell. "Their heedless disregard for the rule of military law put all Americans in danger, and for what? One lousy conviction? At least this gives us a better opportunity of convicting Obama to being a one term president. But the Ghailani verdict is a disgrace. I heard that his conviction carries a penalty of twenty years to life, and with this liberal New York judge, he'll probably get the twenty with credit for time already served. At least that's what I hope."   "This was a great victory for American justice," said Attorney General Eric Holder. "Those 284 acquittals occurred because the charges were based on information obtained through torture, and this affirms the fact that torture is against the law for any reason. But he was convicted and he will be behind bars, which is a good thing. Another good thing is that this gives us a good excuse to not bring any more of these detainees to the U.S. for trials. If I had known what a can of worms that was going to be, I never would have opened it." "This is not such a bad place as far as interment camps go," noted Guantanamo detainee Khalil Rahman Hafez. "I did four years locked up in Islamabad, and that place was a shithole, so I know whereof I speak. The weather is nice, they don't beat us too much, and they feed us three times a day. And let me tell you, the food is amazing! They know more ways of preparing a chicken than I would ever imagine. So if the Americans think that the trial of brother Ghailani is reason to keep us here, that is a good thing, because truth be told, I've seen Lockup on the camp television, and the thought of going to New York scares the crap out of me." "I felt very personally invested in this case," said America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani. "I mean Ghailani, Giuliani, they sound a lot alike, you know? And there are plenty of people that don't pay very close attention to the news, so when they heard Ghailani was on trial, they probably thought 'yeah, he's just another crooked politician', so I'm hoping that when they heard about the 284 acquittals they realized that I'm not such a bad guy after all. I mean, I'm sorry if these people are confused but it would be nice if they'd be consistent about it."

The Big Day

"Wake up, Bobby, wake up!"   "Huh... What? Dad, I don't have to be at school till 8:30, and it's not even 7:00 yet."   "I know, Bobby but it'll be seven soon. Now hustle. Just pull on your pants. There's something mighty important happening and I need you to..."   "Are you and Mom talking about getting a divorce again?"   "No, Bobby, this is good news, and if it turns out to be what I think it is, it may be the best news we've heard in a very long time."   "You smell like alcohol, Dad. Mom will kill you if she finds out you're drinking first thing in the morning."   "Your Mom is drinking too, son. And it's not morning for us because we've been up all night just waiting for the clock to reach seven."   "But you've got to be at work at 9:00."   "There'll be no work for me today, Bobby. I called in sick and your Mom called in sick too. Sick with anticipation, that is. Now come along with me and let's gather around the old computer."   "Good morning, Bobby. Great morning!"   "Hi, Mom. Dad's acting all weird this morning. He said..."   "Don't drink that, Bobby, it's a screwdriver. You're orange juice is right here by the monitor."   "Click refresh, Janice, click refresh!"   "I just did, Bill. It's still the same old screen."   "No it's not, Janice. Look! They've changed the word 'tomorrow' to 'today'."   "Oh my God, this is really happening, isn't it?"   "I hope and pray it is... 6:58... I don't suppose I have enough time to make another drink, do I?"   "If you hustle, you should. Looks like they're going to make us wait right till 7:00."   "Mom, is that iTunes on the screen? What are you guys doing?"   "You'll just have to wait and see, young man. I don't want to spoil the surprise by telling you what we suspect, but if your Dad and I are correct, this is going to be a day that you'll never forget... You know, Bobby, why don't you just play hooky from school today?"   "I've got a math test in second period and this afternoon I..."   "Bill! Where are you? It's almost 7:00!" "Here I come! Move over, Bobby... All right, Janice, click the refresh... Here we go... Wahoo!"   "Yaaay! Oh Bill, it's finally here! I'll never forget this day!"   "That's... That's just the Beatles."   "Just the Beatles, Bobby? Just the Beatles? Just the greatest pop band the world has ever known?"   "Sorry, Dad. I like Lady Gaga. And Little Wayne."   "It's Lil Wayne, Bobby, not Little Wayne. And he's nasty. The Beatles didn't have to be nasty to be popular, did they Janice? And they certainly didn't feel some perverse need to cover themselves with tattoos from head to toe."   "No they didn't, Bill. The pure genius of their music, their sophisticated wit and youthful exuberance were their tickets to ride the long and winding road to their musical revolution." "Let it be with the Beatles humor, Mom. Why do you guys care about this anyway? You already have all their CDs." "We certainly do. Both the originals CDs and the remastered ones, as well as the mono box set."   "Don't forget the original vinyl records and the remastered vinyl records. But the thing is, Bobby, we've never been able to download them from iTunes before."   "But... you know how to rip them from a CD!"   "Hardly the same thing, Bobby, hardly the same thing. Those are just crude homemade MP3s while these are the officially licensed tracks. Now run along and get ready for school if you don't intend to play hooky. Your Dad and I have a busy day of downloading ahead of us."   "Okay, Mom, but when I get home, I want to talk about getting an increase in my allowance."

consummate hackery

For several years, I've had my own particular view of how we should treat the presidency, which boils down to two basic precepts and a rewriting of the 22nd Amendment. First, there should be no term limits, and secondly, no one should be allowed to serve two consecutive terms.   There are a lot of good reasons for this approach, many of which are covered in an OpEd by Pat Caddell and Douglas Schoen in the Washington Post, but their arguments are more than a little dulled by the fact that they're so Obamacentric. This may be a 'critical moment for the country',  but there have been critical moments in the past and there will surely be many more in the future. Their positioning of the recent elections as a referendum on Obama, and enticement of him to be truly transformative give the game away. Or maybe it's the title that gives it away - "To be a great president, Obama should not seek reelection in 2012".   If that sounds like a FOX News wet dream, it may be because Caddell is a former contributor and Schoen is a current one. But they both want Obama to succeed, they really do. In fact, they "make this proposal with the deepest sincerity and hope for him and for the country". Look at all the great things that would happen in America if he would only say 'I quit'. "By explicitly saying he will be a one-term president, Obama can deliver on his central campaign promise of 2008, draining the poison from our culture of polarization and ending the resentment and division that have eroded our national identity and common purpose."   Glory, hallelujah! He could bring us together and we could all just get along, if only he would leave! And then whoever was elected next would have a clean slate, in a world without the possibility of acrimony! As the two note, Obama once said "I'd rather be a really good one-term president than a mediocre two-term president", and the excellent news is that "He now has the chance to deliver on that idea"!!!!   "Forgoing another term would not render Obama a lame duck. Paradoxically, it would grant him much greater leverage with Republicans and would make it harder for opponents such as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell - who has flatly asserted that his highest priority is to make Obama a one-term president - to be uncooperative."   Come on, you two knucleheads, I'm pretty sure you know exactly what the definition of a 'lame duck' is - a politician who is in the last two years of their term without the possibility of reelection. It tends to be a highly unproductive period for a presidency because everyone is posturing in anticipation of an open field election. Just what is it about that sort of atmosphere that would tempt Mitch McConnell to be cooperative? Oh, there's more, but let me just go straight to the glory that awaits Barack Obama in January 2013...   "He walks away from the White House having been transformative in two ways: as the first black president, yes, but also as a man who governed in a manner unmatched by any modern leader. He will have reconciled the nation, continued the economic recovery, gained a measure of control over the fiscal problems that threaten our future, and forged critical solutions to our international challenges. He will, at last, be the figure globally he has sought to be, and will almost certainly leave a better regarded president than he is today. History will look upon him kindly - and so will the public."   The heavens will open up and angels will sing! I know, I'm thinking the same thing as you - Obama would have to be crazy to not quit now.

you're in good hands

Of all the ugly consequences of the November elections, probably none of them are more unsettling than the loss of the House committee chairmanships. And the most disconcerting of these just may be the fight for the Energy and Commerce Committee, where the battle is between Barton, Upton, and Shimkus, all of whom want to use the committee to dismantle the health reform law.   One other small item that falls under their purview is the environment, and like most Republicans, all three are climate change deniers. However, Fred Upton, who is actually considered the 'environmental moderate' of the group, wants to have hearings... on Climategate scientists.   I can't imagine that Joe Barton or John Shimkus disagree, but it looks like Upton may never get the chance to chair those hearings. You see, Barton is spearheading a campaign to show that Upton isn't conservative enough to chair the committee. Chief amongst his crimes is his work on the 2007 legislation aimed at replacing incandescent light bulbs with more efficient ones. You might say that a light bulb went off above Barton's head, because like Rush Limbaugh said this week, "No Republican complicit in [this sort of] nannyism, statism, can be rewarded this way." Aside from Rush, Michele Bachmann is on board, and Barton is so simpatico that he's already introduced a bill to repeal the 'light bulb law'. So sorry, Fred, say hello to Big Brother on your way out the door.   But Joe has a problem. You see, the GOP has a rule that you can only be the lead Republican on a certain committee for two terms, which means Barton has to go. And while it would be possible to give him a waiver - such things have been known to happen - the sad fact is that his colleagues just don't like him much. I know, how can you not like the man who apologized to BP for the mean way Obama treated them, but these things happen. Which leaves John Shimkus, the man who last year posed the question "So if we decrease the use of carbon dioxide, are we not taking away plant food from the atmosphere?"   You know Shimkus, don't you? His video was all the rage early last year. In it, he explains his theory that the earth is starved for carbon dioxide, as well as revealing why he isn't worried about any man made climate disasters. You see, after God wiped out mankind with the Great Flood, he told Noah that He wouldn't do it again, and that as long as He was around "seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, will never cease." And since the word of God is infallible, ipso facto, if the Earth was ever destroyed, He'd be the one destroying it.   So there you go, Barton, Upton, and Shimkus, three great choices for leadership. And not one little thing to worry about.

Ax cuts

The under-$250,000 portion of the Democratic base is pig-bitin' mad today after senior presidential aide David Axelrod signaled (i.e. said with his mouth) that President Obama is now willing to compromise (i.e. capitulate) with the GOP over extending tax cuts for the wealthy.   "We have to deal with the world as we find it," Axelrod told the Huffington Post, noting that Obama's highest priority was extending tax cuts for the middle class "The world of what it takes to get this done is a wild world, full of savage Republicans with big teeth and big money and they pretty much scare the bejesus out of us."

smoke em if you got em

The Food and Drug Agency today unveiled thirty-six new graphics that will be required on all cigarette pack and ads beginning in October, 2012. The graphics, which are intended to visually warn consumers about the dangers of tobacco, include images such as a man smoking through a tracheotomy tube, a diseased lung, corpses, lots and lots of pictures of babies and small children having smoke blown on them, and some unfortunate dude having a heart attack. The images will take up 50% of the space on a pack and be required on both the front and back to avoid the possibility of smoker turning them over to the other side for a more pleasant view. Upon implementation, the selection of images will be narrowed down to nine - presumably by unpopular vote - because nobody at the FDA wants to harm the tobacco industry with unnecessarily burdensome business requirements.   "When the rule takes effect, the health consequences of smoking will be obvious every time someone picks up a pack of cigarettes," said FDA head Margaret Hamburg. "I don't want anyone to get the impression that we're turning into some sort of nanny state, but this is for their own good. If they don't want to see the pretty pictures they can just keep their goddamn cancer sticks in their pocket or purse. And it would be naive to not expect an uptick in the sale of ornamental cigarette cases. See, would a nanny state give you that sort of freedom? So go ahead, people, continue with your filthy habit, we've done all we can do."   "Until October, 2013, that is," chuckled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "That's when we roll out the new flavor additives. You know it's hard to believe, but a high percentage of smokers say they actually like the taste of their nasty coffin nails. Well, they won't be saying that after we introduce our new flavors. Our studies have shown that the two least favorite tastes of smokers are Brussels sprouts and beets, and we've got those nailed. Hey, all of you disgusting butt puffers, didn't your mama ever tell you that Brussels sprouts are good for you?"   "And they smell even worse than they taste," added Hamburg. "I guarantee you won't be able to light up in public without everyone asking who farted. Oh my God, are you ever going to be ostracized. Not our fault, though, we're not your nanny, we're not going to tell you that you can't light up in the privacy of your own home. Still, you might want to think about quitting sometime before October, 2014. That's when we assign the manufacturers their new brand names."

Mt McCain

Mt McCain erupted again today, sending out a steaming flow of red hot resentment that destroyed everything in it's path. Luckily the cantankerous old senator was home alone at the time, but it's understood that the living room carpet is an absolute mess. The cause of the eruption is believed to have been McCain's arch-nemesis George W Bush, who for the past several days has been saying mean things behind his back. Police were called to investigate after a neighbor reported hearing a loud voice repeatedly bellowing "That's all I can stands, cuz I can't stands n'more!" Bush, of course, has been promoting his new book 'Decision Points', which compares Barack Obama quite favorably to McCain. "Daddy's been really upset ever since President Bush started his publicity tour," said daughter Megan McCain. "He had called Bush's office a couple weeks ago requesting an advance copy of the book, but he just got an answering machine and nobody ever called him back. That happens a lot with Daddy these days. I didn't have the heart to tell him I got an advance copy nearly a month ago. Anyway, the book came out today, and I assume that he got a copy. I don't know for sure because his phone has been off the hook all day." "I know he must be upset. Bush even took credit for Daddy's Iraq surge, and that was his pride and joy. Do you know how many nice things Bush has to say about Obama? At least ten. And do you know how many ugly thing he has to say about Daddy? I don't know, I don't have that many fingers." As Politico pointed out in a weekend preview, 'Decision Points' basically paints a portrait of McCain as a doddering old fool who doesn't have the common sense God gave a turnip. This might have been expected given the history of bad blood between the two men, but it is a bit surprising in the context of a book that has kind words for almost everybody but Kanye West and Saddam Hussein. Oh, and John McCain.   The publication of 'Decision Points' has liberated London's Financial Times to finally print a previously unpublished Bush quote from a meeting with Gordon Brown in late 2008. Asked about McCain's campaign, Bush replied "I probably won’t even vote for the guy. I had to endorse him. But I’d have endorsed Obama if they’d asked me."   "Oh no he didn't," said a shocked Megan McCain. "I don't know if George Bush will be judged as one of the worst presidents or one of the best, but I'm pretty sure that he's the meanest."

Bernanke desists

Federal Reserve head Ben Bernanke has abruptly both ceased and desisted his pump priming after pointedly being told to do so by leading economic expert Sarah Palin. He had foolishly been planning on buying $600 billion dollars worth of Treasurys with money that he intended to print out of thin air, but Palin's cease and desist order convinced him that he shouldn't be playing around with inflation.   "I don't know what was going through my head," said the startled Fed Chair. "You get such a feeling of power when you're in a position like mine that after a while six-hundred billion dollars doesn't seem like anything to sweat about, but the truth is that it's real money. And like Ms Palin said, we don’t want temporary, artificial economic growth bought at the expense of permanently higher inflation which will erode the value of our incomes and our savings. Well I kind of do, since that also erodes the cost of our debt, but that's just me."   "I guess I thought I could get away with it by using a fancy-pants term like 'quantitative easing' that nobody would understand," Bernanke admitted. "Boy, was I ever wrong. Not only did Palin have it all sussed out, she even knew the technical term 'pecunia ex nihilo' which I like to use instead of saying that I'm pump priming by printing money out of thin air. It's like she's using Wikipedia or something."

Sunday Sugarcubes

Doocy suspended

In a surprising move, FOX News has indefinitely suspended 'FOX and Friends' co-host Steve Doocy, saying that he had violated FOX policy by making contributions to several congressional campaigns 'without seeking permission from his superiors beforehand'. Until Keith Olbermann met a similar fate at MSNBC yesterday, it hand been widely assumed that FOX did not have an 'ask the boss first' policy, an assumption that CEO Roger Ailes was quick to clear up.   "Oh yes, that's always been our policy," said Ailes. "We've got every bit as much integrity as MSNBC, regardless of what that bitch Rachel Maddow says. And our reasons are the same as MSNBC - we want to enforce slavish obedience. Everyone has always strictly adhered to our kowtowing policy in the past, so there hasn't been a problem. Hannity asks permission nearly every other day, and the rest of the crew hits me up at least a couple of times a month. But Doocey is such a reckless renegade that it was bound to get him in trouble sooner or later. It's a shame he didn't ask my permission. I can't even remember the last time I said no."   "I do, I do," interjected FOX token liberal Alan Colmes. "It was last month when I wanted to donate to Joe Sestak."   "And so it was," replied Ailes. "Well, you were a good boy for asking. Now hurry up with my coffee."   Doocy admitted to making contributions of fifty dollars each to the campaigns of Republicans Steve King, Steve Buyer, Steve Scalise, Mark Steven Kirk, Steve Austria, Stephen Fincher, Steve Pierce, Steven Palazzo, and Steve LaTourette. He denied that the payments were political, saying that he had only hoped to get their autographs for his 'Hall of Steves'.   "That excuse might have flown," said Ailes, "but when we looked a little closer, we found that he had also given fifty bucks to Democrat Debbie Wasserman Shultz."   Doocy reluctantly admitted to the donation, justifying it by saying that she was "the only female politician who doesn't look at me like I was a bug."

fumbling towards victory

Ending what has literally been hours of speculation, Nancy Pelosi today announced that she would run for Minority Leader of the House when Congress reconvenes.   Perhaps the one person most unhappy to hear the news is North Carolina Congressman Heath Shuler, the spectacularly unsuccessful former Washington Redskin quarterback rated by ESPN as the fourth biggest NFL Draft bust of all time. Shuler had announced last month that if there were no viable alternative to Pelosi, he would just run for the darn job himself. Yesterday Fumble Fingers provided an elaboration, saying "We weren't successful with me as quarterback, so I lost my job." The old 'vote for me, I know how to fail' offense that always inspires such confidence.   Shuler would be a welcome selection for the GOP, since he is a Blue Dog too red for even most of what's left of that sorry caucus. He co-sponsored a Lou Dobbs approved immigration bill with Tom Tancredo, he's anti-abortion, voted against the stimulus bill, and voted against the Health Care bill. His major piece of legislation to date was a bill which would have required airlines to have special seats that would shield kids from seeing any naughty in-flight movies.   "What part of 'we lost' doesn't Nancy Pelosi understand," fumed Shuler. "I mean that 'we lost' figuratively since I didn't lose, and she didn't lose, but some of the guys lost and I'm pretty sure that's all her fault. She's a failed quarterback, that's what she is. She could really learn a thing or two from me. When I proved to be a friggin' disaster with the Redskins, I had the dignity to walk away. Oh yeah, right, I went to the Saints for a fifth round draft pick, go ahead and bring that up. And sure, when I failed miserably with the Saints, I went to the Raiders for chump change but that was only to prove I'm not a quitter. And that's kind of my point to Nancy Pelosi - I should have been a quitter, cause I sure as hell didn't do anything for the Raiders and then I broke my foot and I couldn't walk away without crutches, so I kind of just had to hobble away." "That's the way I view the Democratic caucus in the House. We've got a broken foot and we need a man on crutches to help us hobble towards the center. And when I say center I mean political center, not football center. You don't want to hobble to the football center because some of those guys are really mean. When I tried to play for the Redskins, Jeff Bostic was the center, and he used to hike the football to my nuts as hard as he could just for laughs. Jeez, those guys didn't care anything about the fans, they just wanted me to lose, which is pretty much the way I feel about Nancy Pelosi."   "Okay, you don't need to give me that brouhaha about Nancy Pelosi being the single most effective member of Congress, because the thing she's been effective at is passing legislation that I don't agree with. And neither do most of the other members of the House, either, because thanks to Nancy Pelosi they're Republicans and right here in the center with me. The cold, hard fact is that Pelosi has been attacked and vilified because of her effectiveness, so if we really want to move the country forward by making the GOP like us again, we need a leader as ineffective as I believe I've proven myself to be."

compromise

During yesterday afternoon's press conference, President Obama let it be known that following his dramatic chastisement by the voters, he was now ready to take the necessary steps to 'just get along'. One example of his newfound desire to compromise was his apparent willingness to end his foolish opposition to well-deserved tax cuts for those making over a quarter million a year.   "This seems to be an issue of immense importance to the American people, so whatever," Obama admitted. "Although I've got to admit that it doesn't seem to jive with the other immensely important goal of bringing down the deficit. Maybe that's just me - I am, after all, a deeply flawed individual. So okay, I guess I'm willing to support tax cuts for the wealthy just as long as the GOP is willing to not blame me when it increases the deficit."   "The American people didn't put the Republican Party back on the road to glory just to see us cutting backroom deals," said Speaker-in-Waiting Boehner upon hearing the President's offer. "Of course we'll blame Obama when the deficit rises again. Taxes aren't the problem, it's these huge government programs like Cap and Trade that are the problem."   "Cap and Trade is as dead as a doornail," Obama said at another point of his press conference. "We've never even been able to get it to the Senate floor, and we never will. Apparently there are numerous business interests who feel that global warming doesn't exist but even if it does it's no big deal. And really, who am I to argue? I mean, I'm a politician, not a climatologist."   "And he's not a doctor, either," added presumed Majority Leader Cantor. "So why has he forced this Health Care Legislation down our throats? I'll tell you why - because once the government is in charge of health care, they have the power to control and manipulate every aspect of our lives."   "Young Eric has a point," admitted Obama. "I mean, I certainly didn't intend for Health Care to become the launching point for a fascist dictatorship, but I've got to admit it has that potential. Who knows what sort of unscrupulous leader might arise in the future and use it's mechanisms for evil? It could happen. I suppose we need to revamp it in a way that would... Nah, probably better off to just repeal the whole damn thing." "Oh, so now he's talking about launching a fascist dictatorship," tweeted presidential frontrunner Sarah Palin.

aftermath

"You feeling okay, Boss? Cause you're looking just a wee bit deranged."   "This is my happy face, Joe. You can't imagine how glad I am to get these elections over with. You know, I'm pretty good at the campaigning but it gets old real quick. Now I can finally lay off of that tired old car in the ditch story."   "And I can lay off of the unrealistic predictions. I do feel a little relieved to see it done with. I just wish things hadn't turned out so badly for you, Boss. Jeez, what a massacre."   "Come on, Joe, it's not all that bad. Axlerod predicted we'd lose forty-six seats in the House."   "Not that bad? We lost a lot more than that!" "I know, I bet him a hundred bucks that we'd lose at least sixty. In yo face, Ax! The kid shoots, the kid scores!"   "Well, I'm glad you're taking this all so well..." "Don't be so gloomy, Joe, nobody likes a dour Vice President. Remember Cheney? That's what I'm talking about. This is a great opportunity for us. Nothing the American people like more than a gracious loser."   "That's not true! The American people like winners."   "Let's not make any rash generalizations, Joe. Some of the American people like winners. And besides, we are winners. I won the last thing I ran for, didn't you?"   "I guess so..."   "I know so... Tiger Woods doesn't stop being a winner just because he has a few rough months. You know what else the American people like. They like rooting for the underdog. That's us, Joe, we're the underdog now. We can't lose." "You're a very weird president..." "Really? How many presidents have you known, anyway?" "Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush... That would be seven, counting you. And you're definitely the weirdest."   "Can't help it, Joe. I guess it's part of my Kenyan heritage. Hey, wanna run by Mitch McConnell's office with me? I'll treat you to lunch at Ray's Hell Burger afterward."   "I don't know, Boss. I don't really feel like listening to him gloat about his seat pick-ups."   "Oh, I doubt he'll be gloating, Joe. McConnell bet me a hundred bucks they would take back the Senate. In yo face, Mitch! The kid shoots, the kid scores!"

An enraged Meg Whitman trampled a group of well-wishers outside of a Sacramento polling place earlier today, saying that their presence was 'too little, too late'. Consistent to the end, Whitman didn't bother voting for herself after the trampling had been completed.

Sanity restored?

I thought this piece at WaPo was interesting, because it notes that between 10-11 on Saturday, it was impossible to get on the metro at Virginia Square. I suppose. I got there around 10:30, first jammed train comes and people on board are pushing potential passengers away, shouting "no more space" and "we're being crushed" and so on. Funny, if you're being crushed, the natural response might be to remove yourself from the vicinity of the crushing, but I saw no disembarkments. No problem, though. There'll be another train along in a few minutes. Except there wasn't. Bizarrely, DC metro kept to it's sleep Saturday schedule, so when the next tin of sardines came along, my wife and I adapted the Japanese model of 'always room for another' and forced our way in, oblivious to the moans and curses of the other trapped passengers. That's life in the big city, folks, quit whining.   But point taken, the point being that there were many more people trying to make it to the Stewart/Colbert rally than actually made it. (quote: "How many of the tens of thousands of people who wanted to take Metro but were not able to do so ever got to the rally is beyond me, but my guess is that the vast majority simply gave up after realizing it was hopeless.") I suppose that if the revolution comes, they'll be the ones with the white flags. It's not like it was impossible to get to a location from which you could simply walk, shudder the thought.   Was it worth the effort? It was fascinating, in it's own way, although I didn't really see that much of it. There was what was euphemistically called a main entry point on 7th Street, but in fact, this was the only entry point. It wasn't apparent on approach, but the staging area was completely barricaded (I don't recall ever seeing this before), so in effect, those lucky enough to be in sight of a Jumbotron, were actually barricaded in. I exited this area well before noon to survey the environs before I realized this. Within a short while, this area would become impossible to approach.   There were far more people outside of the official area than were inside, and since they couldn't see, they settled for the next best thing, being scenery. There was an ocean of signs, many of which were quite clever - America can never be accused of a dearth of irony. It was prelude to Halloween, and it's been quite some time since Hitler enjoyed such popularity. It was Mardis Gras without the booze, and the sweet smell of reefer did not fill the air. Everywhere, people were taking pictures of each other. It was the world's biggest TV party, detached and well behaved.