royal wedding

"Sweetheart! What in the world is wrong?" "Boo hoo hoo hoo...That skanky scrubber has buggered up me wedding!"   "Uh...What?"   "Wuh huh huh huh... I said that bleeding bumsucker has slashed on me nuptials."    "Get a grip, Brenda. I know you're upset but get hold of yourself and try to speak English."   "Sod off, you knob head! I am speaking bloody English."   "You're not British, Brenda. Remember?"   "Wuh huh huh... Huh? Oh my gosh, I forgot. What with all the people and all the excitement, I appear to have taken momentary leave of my senses... Nevertheless, there remains the fact that Kate Middleton has totally ruined my wedding. I suppose I shall evermore look back on this not as a bright day of joy but as a dark day of sorrow."   "A very expensive day of sorrow, just as an aside. How exactly has Kate Middleton ruined your wedding?"   "In every manner possible. Do you think it was my idea to have the ceremony at 6:00 in the morning? No, it was not. It was Kate Middleton's."   "True, Brenda, however there is a large time difference between here and London..."   "Hardly my fault! And I must say that it was insufferably rude for your sister to fall asleep during the ceremony."   "In her defense, she wasn't the only one who drifted off..."   "Yes, isn't it horrible? I spend six months planning this wedding and then to have people come and behave in such a deplorable manner.. Did you see all of the people who were looking at Kate Middleton instead of me?"   "Well, I can't say that I'm totally surprised, Brenda. You know I was opposed to having all of these television monitors here from the beginning..."   "You are so hopelessly naive, Peter. Everybody loves TV. But that doesn't give them an excuse to act so rudely. You could tell that some of them were just glued to Kate."   "I guess a lot of that could have been avoided just by having the TVs tuned to a different channel..."   "And miss the wedding of the century? Are you insane?"   "Getting there."   "You know what the worst part was? The very worst part was when the royal carriage stopped and... sniff... Kate Middleton got out and she was dressed exactly like me."   "Brenda, she was not dressed exactly like you." "She was wearing white wasn't she?"   "Yes, I suppose she was..."   "My point exactly!"   "Come on, Brenda, let's go join the guests for tea and crumpets."

besieged on all sides

Yesterday, I was very very proud of myself because I had accomplished something that nobody else had been able to accomplish. Of course that's not the first time I've ever been able to accomplish something that nobody else has been able to, not by a long shot. That's why I'm so full of pride. I've earned the right to gloat a little, okay? Okay? If you ever accomplish half as much - a tenth as much - as me, then you can gloat a little too, but until then don't try to deprive me of the privilege.   But there's these people, these little people - parasites, I like to call them - who like to get in your face and try to suck all of the joy out of life, and they make me sick. Physically ill, just nauseous. And these little people have been in my face for the last twenty-four hours and I'm here to tell them back off parasites. Nobody sucks the joy out of Donald Trump. Nobody.   That includes you, Robert Gibbs, you talentless hack. Do you even have a job? Obama fired you. That must make you feel real good, huh, being fired by a man who has the singular lack of class to call Donald Trump a carnival barker. Real classy, huh? And you weren't good enough for him. You dare say 'Donald Trump said he'd release his tax returns as soon as the president released his birth certificate, so the ball is in his court now, and I know everybody is anxious to see his tax returns over the last 10 years'. You dare say that to me? I said I might release my tax records when Obama released his birth certificate. Might, get it, might. I just bet a sore loser like you would like to see me release my tax records. Well, you will see them and you will be very impressed and very envious but you will see them at a time and place of my choosing and until then back the hell off.   I'll tell you who else needs to back the hell off, that insufferable little twerp Rand Paul. You're only famous because of your father, kid, if it weren't for him you'd be a nobody. Nobody, get it, nobody. Donald Trump didn't get where he is today because of his daddy, it's all hard work and intelligence. I'm watching FOX News this morning, trying to relax a little after a hard day in which I accomplished something that nobody else has been able to do, and I see this loser Rand Paul come on at some little breakfast meeting - It's not even a rally, it's that pathetic - and he says he wants to see the original long-form certificate of Donald Trump's Republican registration, because, I suppose, in his insignificant opinion, I'm not a real Republican. He says he's not going to believe it until he sees the embossed seal to my Republican registration. These are not the words of an educated man. He does not sound like an educated man. Donald Trump is an educated man and I'm here to tell you I know that there isn't an embossed seal on my Republican registration so back the hell off.   Rand Paul is not the only idiot I saw on FOX News either, I am very sad to say. I'm watching the O'Reilly show last night and Krauthammer was on, and I'm like okay, I know they're going to be talking about me. And I'm expecting good things because of my extraordinary accomplishment that day. Plus I figure Krauthammer owes me. A few days ago he did something totally uncalled for. He said Donald Trump was the Al Sharpton of the right. How was I supposed to react? Wrong. I was very civil. I called the man up and had a nice conversation. Very civil. I figured sometimes he gets out of sorts because he's a cripple, he has to be wheeled around, I figure I can make an allowance for one nonsensical outburst. Sure enough, they get to Donald Trump - topic one - but instead of talking about my unbelievable accomplishment, Krauthammer starts talking about my so-called 'nutty' ideas. He has the unmitigated gall to say that my ideas sound like the 'kind of stuff you expect at a guy at a bar in closing time with slurred speech'. That isn't even grammatical. What a sad, pathetic man, the sort of parasite who talks about me in the vain hope some of my fame will rub off on him. The sort of bars I go to are very refined and Krauthammer can't even go to a bar unless someone wheels him so my advice would be for him is shut your uneducated mouth and back the hell off.

Mister Charisma

The most obnoxious man in America managed to get even more boorish yesterday, revealing in an interview with the Associated Press that he had learned a new trick.   "I get tired of hearing you people in the press calling me a one trick pony, all because I've brought renewed scrutiny to the illegal alien in the oval office," said the bloated sphincter. "I have more people that are excited about the fact that I reinvigorated this whole issue. You like excitement? I like excitement. Who the hell doesn't like excitement? I'll tell you who the hell doesn't like excitement - no-drama Obama. I'm his worst nightmare. Believe me, I'm the last guy he wants to run against. Why the hell would he want to run against me? He wouldn't. I just told you that."   Always the showman, Trump would not reveal his new trick until right before the end of the interview.   "I'll tell you when that is, okay? You won't tell me. Got that? It could be two minutes for all you know. I'm a very busy man, but rest assured, you will leave here today with an exciting new revelation, okay?"   "You know what's exciting? My television show. I'm quite certain you already know that, but I'm stating it again for the record. For your sake, I hope you watched 'Celebrity Apprentice' this week. Very exciting. Not just because I made Latoya Jackson cry, although that was exciting in and of itself. No, the most exciting part was right before the end of the show. See, a television show is much like an interview - you want to keep the most exciting part for the very end. So I waited until the very end of Sunday's episode before I asked the remaining celebrities who was going to vote for me for president. Meatloaf and Star Jones immediately jumped out of their chairs and said not only would they vote for me, they would work for my campaign. For free. And then I asked if there was anyone there who wouldn't vote for me. You know, turn the question around, maybe catch someone off guard. You know how many raised their hands. None. Not one of the celebrities said they would not vote for me. Of course, anybody that raised their hand would immediately be fired because they're stupid."   "You think Obama can create that kind of excitement? No, Obama cannot create that kind of excitement. Next question. No wait, I already know the next question. The two things you reporter types always want to ask me is where Obama's birth certificate is, and how much money I have. Stay tuned. If I run for office, you are going to know exactly what I'm worth. You're going to know where the banks are, how much I have in the bank. I built a very big net worth and I'd like to put that ability ... to work for this country..."   Trump's answer to the asset question went on for twenty three minutes, and ended with the line "I have built a company that has very little debt, has a lot of cash and I have one of the best locations anywhere in the United States." At this point, Trump tapped on his watch, cleared his throat, and said "This is it, the exciting ending."   "As you know, I've been having Obama checked out, and not just his birth certificate scam either. Very interesting stuff I'm finding. I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How bad? We don't know. He's never released his transcripts. Now let me ask you a question. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard? Don't answer that, I know what you're going to say - affirmative action. I believe there's more to it than that. I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records. I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can't get into Harvard." "That's all the time I have for you. Just remember one thing. We don't know a thing about this guy. There are a lot of questions that are unanswered about our president."

the great escape

Hamid? This is Barrack Obama. I wanted to... What do you mean you'll check to see if he's in the office today? Listen, President Karzai, I recognize your voice, I know it's you. I wanted to say that I was really disturbed to hear that you let the Taliban free 500 of their people from Sarposa prison last night... Only 486? Well, that's really not a lot of difference... Yes, I know it's fourteen less, but I... And you were able to recapture 26? Goody gumdrop, that's only 460 left to go... Goody gumdrop? That's an American expression. It means that you're not really making things a hell of a lot better... Well good, it's good to know that you feel bad about it too.   The thing is, you keep assuring me that you're ready to provide for your own country's security but this is just another indication to me that you're not even close... I'm sorry that was hurtful, but you know I always try to be straight with you. How could such a thing even happen... Right... Uh huh... I already knew it was a great big tunnel. I guess you misunderstood my question. What I'm asking is where was your security? Where were the guards? What was... You let everybody take their lunch break at the same time? I almost believe that... No, it is not a great excuse... Because I've got pictures right here on my desk along with a fresh intelligence report... What does it say? You're kidding, right... Well, I don't suppose I can blame you for not trusting your own intelligence sources.   Look, the hole they escaped through was pretty small, just big enough for one prisoner at a time, and then they had to crawl a thousand feet to exit. We figure even if they were hustling, even if the Taliban were beating feet, it had to take the at least four or five hours to get everybody out. Probably longer. And you're telling me that your most dangerous prisoners are spending that much time crawling down a hole and nobody in the prison is going to notice? That is... Yes, yes that does look pretty bad... Somebody's going to get fired? Well good, somebody should get fired. A lot of people should get fired. Because there's also the matter of the keys... The keys? You've probably seen the inside of a prison before... No, I'm implying no such thing. I'm just saying you know the layout... You've got an escape tunnel which leads to a cell, okay? So you go in, rescue the people in that cell, and then what? You've got to unlock that cell so you can go and unlock the other cells. And anyway you cut it that's a lot of keys... You keep twenty men to a cell? That's still twenty-five keys, Hamid, and that's an inside job.   Yeah, well I certainly do hope you try to do better... No, I'm not trying to nag you, it's just that we're not going to be there forever... I get it. I know you're glad about that. But I'd hate to see your country descend into total chaos. And Hamid? I don't think that would work out very well for you either... Okay. I'll keep in touch... You have a nice day too.

'This Week' with Christiane Amanpour

"The link between politics and the pulpit has always been strong. And one no one has been a spiritual adviser to more presidents than the Reverend Billy Graham. Unfortunately, Billy Graham is a very old man and was unable to join us this Easter Sunday. Still, we thought it would be appropriate to have some politically connected religious figure on our show today, and since we had Graham on our mind anyway, we've invited his son Franklin. As well as being a prominent Islamophobe, Franklin is well know for introducing the theory that President Obama is a Muslim Apostate. I'm Christiane Amanpour, ABC News. Reverend Graham, thank you very much, indeed, for joining us." "Thank you, Christiane. You're right about one thing - My dad is a very old man. Sometimes it's like he's sticking around just so I won't be able to carry on his legacy."   "Reverend Graham, what's the idea that you most dearly associate with Easter?"   "Ham, Christiane, a big old Smithfield ham. But beyond that, it's the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for me."   "You have also said that we live in the time of the anti-Christ."   "Well sure, Christiane. I mean, he's in the White House right now as we speak. At least metaphorically. I suppose that since it is Easter, he could be making a token appearance in church."   "You have said that so many of these earth-shattering events that we're experiencing over the last few years, whether it's natural disasters, wars, or whatever it is, it's almost like the labor pains for the second coming."   "I would call that a no-brainer, Christiane. We're definitely in the latter days, whether that means a few months or few thousand years, I don't know. I guess a lot will depend on how the anti-Christ does in next years election."   "It's quite a leap you've made, Reverend Graham, from calling the president a Muslim Apostate to calling him the anti-Christ."   "Actually, the part about the anti-Christ is pure speculation on my part. It may be that that's only true metaphorically."   "You have traveled to Haiti with Sarah Palin."   "What about it?"   "Is she the kind of candidate you would like to see run for election? Would she be your candidate of choice?"   "Bwahahahaha... Good one, Christiane. We might be better off with the anti-Christ. Metaphorically, I mean."   "Well, there are people in right now. Would you support Mitt Romney, would you support..."   "I've met Mitt Romney. No question he is a... he's a very capable person. For a Mormon. Let's talk about Donald Trump. When I first saw that he was getting in, I thought, well, this has got to be a joke. But the more you listen to him, the more you say to yourself, you know? Maybe the guy's right."   "Are you crazy? He might be your candidate of choice?"   "Yes to both questions, Christiane. I don't agree with the philosophy that says you're better off with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. At least metaphorically."   "We've been talking to Franklin Graham, man of many metaphors. Reverend, thanks for joining us this Easter Sunday."   "Thank you, Christiane. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a big old Smithfield ham calling me home."

boots on the ground

President Obama promised that there would be no American boots on the ground in Libya, which just goes to show that once again he's guilty of misunderestimating John McCain.   The seventy-four year old senator parachuted into Benghazi under cover of darkness, carrying only a canteen of water and his favorite handgun, with the self-assigned mission of meeting him some rebels and "to get an on-the-ground assessment of the situation." Because who wants to listen to detailed assessments of battlefield status from a bunch of stuffy old Pentagon generals when you're John McCain, Man of Action?   "This was one of the most exciting and inspiring days of my life," McCain said. "Of course any day that's all about John McCain is a pretty exciting day. Someone needs to make American military policy, and I'm not willing to cede that privilege to anyone who doesn't understand the situation like I do. Forget what Admiral Mullen says, I'm urging President Obama to commit our troops to a surge because, well, I just like surges."   In spite of the fact that his boots were on the ground for only a few hours, McCain's laser like focus allowed him to determine the precise ideological makeup of the rebels he met.   "I have met these brave fighters and they are not Al Qaeda," he proclaimed. "They are Libyan patriots who want to liberate their nation, and a lot of energetic young people who are out there having the time of their life."   "They are my heroes," McCain said of the rebels as he prepared to leave the battle-torn country, escorted by what presumably was a second pair of boots on the ground. "The American servicemen used to be my heroes, but they haven't done all that well in the whole war-winning department the last few years."

get happy

Johnny, we hardly knew ye... Sure, he was a lousy senator, but as
a philanderer he was downright inspirational. Still, the thing I'll
remember most about John Ensign was his brilliant portrayal of
Leland Palmer on 'Twin Peaks'.

new terror alert system

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced the new Terror Alert system to go into effect immediately. It has three levels - elevated, imminent, and in a novel idea, none. Threats with a specific level of intelligence will come with information specific to certain places, certain sectors such as commercial aviation or hotels, or could detail specific terrorist tactics, trends, or behavior that the public should be aware, and they will be accompanied with copious PowerPoint charts. "Why is this President so compelled to muck with things that aren't broken?" whined former presidential hopeful Sarah Palin on the Sean Hannity show. "Bush put in a great system. All you had to do was look at a color. I don't have time for this. I can't even make it through the first chart; it just looks like a plate of spaghetti. What do you think, Donald?"   "I think the media needs to investigate the..."   "She asked me, Hannity," responded current Republican pet rock Donald Trump. "I'll tell you precisely what I think of this system, Sarah. It really grills my cheese is what it does. I don't have any trouble reading the charts because I'm a very successful businessman and reading PowerPoint charts is an occupational hazard. But you know who else won't have any trouble reading these charts?"   "Who, Donald?"   "I'll tell you precisely who won't have any trouble reading these charts, Sarah. Islamic terrorists. al-Qaeda. Enemies of this country who want to do us harm."   "It's like Obama is trying to..."   "Hush, Sean. It's like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy."   "I was going to say that..."   "I'm trying to speak now, Hannity. It's precisely like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy, Sarah. This stuff should be on a need to know basis, not out there available to every Tom, Dick and Osama."   "With the strong Republican majority we've got in the House..."   "Sean, if we're going to appear on your show, you need to learn not to talk over us. We need to use our strong Republican majority in the House to repeal this system and repeal this president."   "That's the insidious thing. Congress doesn't get to vote on..."   "Will you put a sock in it, Hannity?"

Brewer cracks

Jan Brewer yesterday became the first Republican Governor to officially have 'had it up to here' with the Tea Party, and in a momentary fit of sanity, simultaneously became the first Governor to veto a perfectly good birther bill. The legislation would have empowered the Secretary of State to determine what documentation was good enough for a presidential candidate to qualify for the Arizona ballot.   "I never imagined being presented with a bill that could require candidates for president of the greatest and most powerful nation on Earth to submit their ‘early baptismal circumcision certificates’ among other records to the Arizona secretary of state," Brewer said in a statement accompanying the veto. "What is this piece of shit? You people are ridiculous and I've had just about enough of your nonsense."   "The Governor's words were right hurtful," said Carl Seel, the Republican sponsor of the bill. "This would have been real reform and I thought that she woulda liked it and shoot, now we gotta put Obama on the ballot. I guess we don't have to vote for him but I was hoping we wouldn't even have to see his name."   "Hoo hah, I think I smell my next campaign," said lobbyist and former congressman JD Hayworth, a birther in good standing. "I know I couldn't quite overcome the McCain machine, but a Governor who would thwart the will of her own people as expressed by the state legislature? She should be a pushover. You know, it's a shame. We could have been the first state with a birther bill but now Louisiana's probably going to lap us. Arizona never gets to be the first in anything except illegal aliens. Jan Brewer has ruined it for everybody."   Brewer's veto is expected to be overridden.

Sunday with Donald

Donald Trump today extended his moment of being taken seriously by people who should know better, appearing on CNN's 'State of the Union' where he told host Candy Crowley that he would convince OPEC to lower prices through the sheer power of his will. (A move that would be unnecessary if was already president since his stated objective would have been to invade Libya and take their oil.)   "We need one thing," he explained. "Brainpower. Frankly I'm the only one running for president who has the sort of intellectual firepower to be able to go to the Middle East and bring home the bacon. Most of those guys over there don't even eat bacon so there's no good reason for them not to give it to me at whatever price I demand. And they should be happy that I was willing to take it, because if I was to start an oil company, they be out of business in a heartbeat."   Later in the show, Trump gratuitously ridiculed Mitt Romney by calling him a 'small businessman' who had never created a mighty empire like he had. "He was a funds guy. He walked away with some money from a very good company that he didn't create. He worked there. He didn't create it." Having thoroughly exhausted the Mitt topic, Trump then returned to his own unbelievably massive holdings, saying that if he were to grace us with his candidacy, everyone would then see "how big my company is, because it's much bigger and much more powerful and much stronger than anyone really knows."   Crowley was largely unmoved by Trumps braggadocio, but did appear taken aback at one point when Trump claimed to have 'John Dillinger's enormous dong'. "You look at me funny when I say that and I can tell exactly what you're thinking. Exactly. It's a skill that I learned as a businessman and one completely absent in President Obama. To be fair, it's also lacking in everybody who's thinking about running against him as well, so it's not like he's been at a disadvantage. Up until now. But to answer your question, what you're thinking is 'Is Donald Trump saying that he's hung like John Dillinger?' My answer is no, I am not. Frankly I'm a lot better endowed than that. A lot better. What I mean is that I own Dillinger's enormous dong. I bought it from the Smithsonian and of course it's in a glass of formaldehyde on my coffee table. It's the biggest and best conversation piece in New York City."

lemmings

Congressman Ron Paul continued in his contrarian ways today by being one of only four Republicans in the House to vote against the Paul Ryan budget proposal to pretend to fix the deficit problem by dismantling Medicaid and Social Welfare programs and investing the money in the top two percent of earners. "What, do I look like I was born in a barn?" Paul asked in a CNN interview shortly after the vote. "I'm not going to follow a gaggle of lemmings over a cliff. Sure, I know that lemmings don't actually commit mass suicide but apparently Republicans do."   Fellow House Republicans were quick to label Paul as the worst sort of opportunist, a charge that Majority Leader Eric Cantor swiftly picked up on.   "I'd say that calling Ron Paul an opportunist was actually being kind," Cantor said, obviously still hurting from not being able to deliver the entire GOP caucus the way his old boss Boehner could. "What are you bringing up Boehner for? He has nothing to do with the topic at hand. I was saying that Ron Paul is worse than an opportunist, he's a survivalist. And he doesn't know nearly as much about lemmings as he seems to think."   "I didn't realize that my young friend Eric fancied himself as an expert on lemmings," said Cantor's old boss Boehner. "Nevertheless, much of what we think we know about lemmings often turns out to be wrong. You know who else considered himself an expert on lemmings? Ziegler of Strasbourg, the fourteenth century geographer. He believed that lemmings materialized out of thin air and fell to earth during storms."   "Speaker Boehner is correct as far as he goes," said budget author Ryan, "But I would have preferred him to paint a more complete picture. It's true that Ziegler of Strasbourg believed that lemmings were a product of spontaneous generation, but natural historian Ole Worm proved that the only reasons they fell out of the sky was that they were blown there by the wind."   "I don't know why we're digressing into this obscure conversation about Scandinavian atheists," shot back Cantor. "I think that all good Republicans can accept the fact that God made lemmings out of dust on the fifth day of Creation and just leave it at that."   "The sixth day of Creation," corrected Boehner. "I'm surprised that my young friend doesn't remember that the fifth day is when God created birds and seafood, but in Eric's defense, he is of the Jewish persuasion."

the warrior

"Harumph... Harumph... Is this thing on? Good afternoon. As most of you know, Speaker Boehner and I met with President Obama yesterday to talk about ways in which we might work together in order to confront our crippling deficit. We imagined that we had seen a little bit of light in the darkness, a little clarity coming from underneath the door of bureaucracy, but when we opened that door, do you know what we found? More darkness. In a way it was darker than the darkness we thought we were leaving because it was full of terrifying sounds which appeared to be coming towards us with breakneck speed. Can you begin to describe what that sounder like, Boehner?"   "No, I really can't Mitch, because with the absence of light I was unable to ground my imagination to objective reality."   "Which is exactly what is wrong with Obama's views on the way to save our financial future. The President's imagination is not grounded in objective reality. For example, the one thing we told him in no uncertain terms is that we will absolutely will not be discussing any increase in taxes. And then Boehner repeated his shopworn cliché about how we don't have a revenue problem, we have a spending problem."   "I do say that a lot, Mitch, in part because I believe it. Of course if you looked at it objectively, you'd have to say that they're actually two different ways of looking at the same thing."   "But we can't look at it objectively, Boehner, because of the aforementioned lack of light and the unspeakable places it causes our imaginations to wander. Now, hard as it is to believe, an hour after we had spoken to Obama, in spite of what we had ordered him, he was on national television talking about increasing taxes. It was as though we had never had a dialogue at all, and was perfectly willing to thwart the will of the American people. It's time for us to put our foot down and say no."   "It's time to say hell no."   "It's time for us to stop the Obama agenda dead in it's tracks, but that is something the American people are not able to do, because they will not have the ability to vote him out of office until November of a future year. By then it will be too late. The new Republican president won't take office until late January. Even then it may take three or four weeks before he can extend the Bush tax cuts, because through parliamentary trickery, the Bush cuts will not be able to be extended. Instead a new bill will have to be crafted."   "It will be as though the Bush tax cuts never existed... That really boggles the mind."   "As well it should.. It's like the Twilight Zone, and that's another dimension America is not interested in visiting. But the entire issue is irrelevant, Boehner. We don't want the Bush tax cuts."    "We don't?"   "No we don't, Boehner. We want the Ryan tax cuts. If I may addle your sifter-like memory, your own caucus introduced that a couple of weeks ago. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that you were pretty quick on your feet to endorse it."   "I tend to support the most constructive..."   "Much like the citizens of this great nation, there is very little I can do to help Boehner's dream of an American oligarchy come to fruition. I am saddled with a contrarian Senate seemingly unable to bend to my will. I cannot stop the motor of the world. No, only one man can do that - Boehner."   "Well, I don't know about stopping..."   "For stop it he shall, with the help of his mighty House majority. Thanks to him, there shall be no precipitous rise in the debt level. And though I am only able to cheer him on from the sidelines, Boehner is alone. He is above us and below us."   "I don't even know what that means... But I do have a mighty House majority..."   "But that will not stop a majority of the house of our nation to retch at the very mention of the word Boehner, and to cause him and his seed to suffer the scorn of many a haughty pundit."   "You're kind of bumming me out, Mitch..."   "And though you might think he would be able to find solace in the fellowship of his fellow Republicans, they will deny him as such, claiming that he deceived them into betraying their own by-and large-quite reasonable political inclinations in a vain search for corporate approval."   "You know, a lot of my business friends have been calling me to say that they believe the debt limit is kind of sacrosanct..."   "America does not know that word, and if they did, it would not sheild you from the curses that will arise whenever your name is uttered aloud for eons into the future."   "Thank God I have a lot of sick leave built up..."

(because i spent more time for a piece I couldn't finish yesterday that
  mysteriously dissapeared than I would have writing something fresh)

Dylan in China

Welcome to Shanghai, Mister Dylan.

Uh, thank you... It was really a long flight, but I made it at last. I was hoping to get...

Kindly have your van pull around to the back, Mister Dylan. Park it in the white zone.

Oh, uh, sure. Pull it on around boys. I'll be there in a few minutes...

Kindly remove your sunglasses, Mister Dylan. We need to see your eyes.

There... Is that better?

Ha. He looks perfectly straight to me, Su Li. You owe me five yen.

Kindly take off your hat, Mister Dylan, and speak directly into this microphone.

Well... If I have to. But why do I have to take off my hat?

Because we want to get a picture.

Kindly say cheese.

Cheese.

Thank you. You may resume wearing your hat.

Okay. Anything else?

Yes. We will want to examine your set list. Kindly hand it over.

Yeah, yeah, I kind of expected that. Are you all familiar enough with my work to know which songs might be inappropriate?

I am very familiar with the work of Bob Dylan. In my younger days I fancied myself as a bit of a rebel, much like you, Mister Dylan.

Well, I've scrubbed the set pretty closely...

Let us see... 'All Along the Watchtower', 'Like a Rolling Stone'... Okay, very good. No 'Masters of War', no 'Blowin' in the Wind', no 'Chimes of Freedom', not a protest song in the batch.

Well, my protesting days are all behind me now...

As are ours.

I'm glad everything meets with your approval. Guess I better get on back and join the band.

One more thing before you go, Mister Dylan...

Yes?

Kindly play 'Quinn the Eskimo'. That's President Jintao's favorite song.

bad day for the AU

A spokesman for the delegation from the African Union has expressed frustration today after Moammar Gaddafi violated the terms of a peace treaty that had just been negotiate with him a few moments earlier. Gaddafi ended his fifteen minutes of cooperation by blowing up the BMW transporting the group with an artilery shell.   "Son of a bitch," said Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni. "I guess we should give him credit for destroying our car before we got in it, but just try telling that to the driver's wife and kids."   Adding insult to injury, the group was then mobbed by angry rebels as they attempted to drive through Benghazi in a rented BMW which was not nearly as nice as their original car. The mob loudly shouted 'Gaddafi out!' as well as other things that were simply too rude to repeat. "I know the African Union is not a prestigious big shot organization like the UN or NATO but give us a fucking break," lamented Congo's President Nguesso. "We get Gaddafi to sign a treaty and he breaks it a few minutes later. No way our dignity isn't going to take a ding from that sort of disrespect. And now we're stuck inside of Benghazi without a ride."

bargaining chips

Excuse me, Mister President. I'm on your calendar for ten...

Oh... Come on in. Pleased to meet you. I'm Barack Obama.

I'm, uh, Bill Daley. I've been your Chief of Staff since, oh, middle of January.

Right... The guy who replaced Rahm...

I'm sorry, Mister President, but take solace in the fact that Rahm was called on to greater things... The reason I'm here is to talk about your address to the nation on Wednesday.

I didn't say that I would definitely address the nation, I said that I might address the nation. Besides, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to say... Come in here for a moment, Austan.

Morning Mister President. Morning Bill.

Austan, this gentleman has just been here for a few days, and he's already nagging me about giving an address on the economy. Tell Mister Daley, do I have a clue at this point what I want to say about our long term economic plans?

No, Bill, he really doesn't, but just between you and me I think that maybe we should help him focus a little bit.

You see, Mister President, debate on lifting the debt ceiling limit is coming up faster than you can imagine. We just watched Boehner on Face the Nation saying that there was now way in hell the GOP would give you a clean bill. I think they'll go for blood.

They know that defaulting on the debt would be insanity, and they're sending a clear message that they're crazy enough to do it. The market would meltdown, credit dry up, heavy job loss...

Yeah yeah, oil and commodities skyrocket, and our national reputation sullied. So what do I do to counter these maniacs?

There's really only one way I can think of, Mister President. Meet the Republicans half way.

We were actually thinking of two-thirds or seventy percent of the way. But you're the president, that's your call to make.

There's a lot of ways we can confront the deficit. Close tax loopholes and end corporate tax breaks, cuts in the military, raising taxes on the wealthiest earners...

All fine ideas, and all non-starters. You need something that can somewhat pacify the political right.

You need something that will cause suffering, the more suffering the better. I mean, keep your ideas in the speech. At least we can use them as bargaining chips.

Somehow I had always hoped that inflicting suffering would never be a part of my job.

Unfortunately at this point it would appear to be... Well, I just stopped by to help you to focus on your speech. Have a nice day.

Give me a buzz if you need anything else.