Steele controversy continues

Although the $2000 tab at the West Hollywood Voyeur club has garnered the most attention in the controversy over Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele's lavish spending of party funds, there are many other items that have supporters equally outraged, such as the February expenditure of $17,000 for private jet service and $35,000 for upscale hotel rooms. "February is a short-ass month, and this wasn't even a leap year," groused GOP strategist John Weaver. "I understand that Chairman Steele believes $35,000 isn't that much when you count in room service, but it still seems more than a little extravagant to me. If he keeps this up, people are going to start thinking that we're wasting their donations." "Uh huh, uh huh," Steele replies dismissively. "What Mr Weaver doesn't understand is that's exactly who I'm spending that money on, big donors. They come up to my room, what am I supposed to serve them, coffee and doughnuts? Get real." One expense that raised eyebrows was a payment to Andre Young, AKA Dr. Dre, on February 17th for $22,000. "There's nothing out of the ordinary about that," says Steele. "I said when I took this job that the Republican Party needed to update our image and principles, and apply them to an urban-suburban hip-hop setting, and now everybody wants to act like this is some sort of surprise. I want a theme song that'll make us vital, and I figured Dr. Dre was the right man for the job. What we're doing is beyond cutting edge, but Dre don't come cheap, baby, so I'm gonna need some serious cash to finish the job." "All he got was a beat," Weaver says angrily. "A bass drum and something that sounds like a metronome. That's not going to get anyone interested in the Republican Party. I can't believe Steele spent $22,000 on a bass drum and a metronome." "It's called a click track, dawg," replied a clearly perturbed Dr. Dre. "It's giving you the tempo and then you build on it, the same as you need a foundation before you can have a house. But I'll tell you one thing that your man Steele was right about. Dre don't come cheap, and that was about all the work I could do for twenty-two thousand. Me, I don't rush things. Shit, I didn't even have time to get the sound right on the motherfuckin bass drum." "People always like to focus on the controversy, and not on the good news," said Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. "Listen, Steele helped to win the governors races in Virginia and in New Jersey, helped to win the Senate race up in Massachusetts. That's a pretty good track record. And you know who else has a pretty good track record? Dr. Dre. I think if he says he needs to work on the sound of that motherfuckin bass drum, then by all means, we should let him do it."

the Saturday picnic is now cancelled

Just a thought for Hutaree, and right wing militia groups in general... If you are, in fact, "preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive," and planning on waging war to the death with law enforcement officers, you might want to go with a slightly more innocuous image on your web site.

For the good times

"A leading Republican predicted Sunday that President
Obama’s appointment of 15 officials while sidestepping
Senate confirmation would make it more difficult to get
bipartisan support for future legislation..."

Quit it already, will ya, with this ridiculously ineffectual
threat. There's no news here, move along now.

How to be a winner

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki scoffs at the notion that his party may have lost the election to Ayad Allawi just because of some quaint notion that Allawi's Iraqiya Party got the most votes, taking 91 slots on the Parliament's roster to al-Maliki's 89. "Got more votes?" laughs al-Malki. "On whose abacus is that tally present? Certainly not mine. Mine said 'Nuri al-Maliki, you may already be a winner!' At least it said that when I checked it a couple of months ago, and I see no reason to doubt it now. If someone wants to fault my tally, they can tally me banana, as the great Iranian singer Hari Bellafoni once said. Or sang. My God, that's a fine piece of music. I think it would make for a fine national anthem, and as Prime Minister I vow to make it so. It will give our country a nice upbeat feel to it. See, Iraq is getting better by the moment, and I won't let Allawi take that away from us through voter fraud." "What? The United Nations, the elections commission, and the international observers all say the election was fair? Who are you going to listen to, me or Jimmy Carter? I'll tell you something else, Mr Tally Man, a couple of days ago, I was talking to my very dear friends on the Iraqi Supreme Court, and they very kindly gave me a ruling that said that even if that scoundrel Allawi was able to somehow steal the election, I would be allowed to choose the new government. And guess what? I choose me. Just thinking of the Iraqi people, that's all." The United States seems resigned to al-Maliki's maneuvering. After all, it's not like we want to go to war with Iraq. That would be crazy. Gary Grappo, the top political officer at the US embassy takes it all with a grain of salt. "They’re still going to take advantage of all the means at their disposal to eke out a victory. They’re all politicians." "It's all for the best," says al-Maliki. "No way will we accept other results. Some of the people on Allawi's slate are terrorists held in Iraqi prisons. Or will be soon, anyway. And most of the rest are former members of Saddam Hussein's Baath Party. As a matter of fact, we're in the process of disqualifying more than fifty of them now. After all, elections do have consequences."

Maddow spurns Brown

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, having only been in office for a couple months, is already hard at work on the important business of fund raising, but he has one major problem - nobody famous has yet announced their intention of running against him. Undeterred by his lack of celebrity opposition, Brown sent out a fund raising appeal earlier this week trumpeting the imaginary candidacy of MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow. "I'm sure she's a nice person," the letter reads in part, "I just don't think America can afford her liberal politics." And then he asks a rhetorical question which even the most progressive citizen will be forced to respond to in the negative. "Rachel Maddow has a nightly platform to push her far-left agenda. What about you?" You can almost hear the people of the Bay State responding in unison: "No, Scott, I don't have a nightly television show. What's your fucking point?" To which Brown would undoubtedly say "No point. Just saying, that's all." But alas, Rachel has no intention of running, and said as much on her show, following that up with a full page ad in the Boston Globe which denounces Brown for raising money off of her scary liberal name. But the freshman Senator is undeterred in his desire for a famous liberal opponent. "It was an open secret that the Democrats were trying to recruit Rachel Maddow to run against Scott Brown in 2012," Brown spokesman Eric Fehrnstrong said today. "Now that she’s said no, I’m sure they’ll scurry around looking for someone else. Maybe Keith Olbermann’s available." Olbermann responded that he was perfectly happy in New York City and had no intention of moving. "Really?" said a disappointed Brown. "I could have sworn he was from Boston. He just has that sort of air about him. Oh well, I'm sure they'll run somebody famous against me. Maybe Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. I don't know their politics, but I'll just bet they're elite Hollywood liberals, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if the Democrats are trying to recruit them to run against me and thwart the will of the people of this great state. What the heck, it's at least worth another letter."

Cantor under fire

Charging that the Democratic Party is using threats of violence as political propaganda, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor today claimed that most Democrats "don't even know what true harassment is, because unlike me, they're not Jews". Cantor became somewhat agitated when reminded of the fact that there were indeed 31 other Jews in the House and 13 in the Senate, saying "obviously I'm talking about Jewish Republicans. Even the other Jews in Congress shun me, and they harass me with their ayes." Cantor then upped the ante by revealing that unlike "suspect claims of letters and phone calls that are at best exaggerations and most likely fabrications", someone had put a bullet through the window of one his campaign offices on Monday. "Obviously a sinister liberal Democrat was involved," Cantor says. "And it took a lot of planning and knowledge, because this was the top floor of a Richmond building which is not occupied by me or visibly linked to my name in anyway, and that was temporarily rented by two of my advisors. It was almost as though it was fired from the inside of the office, but there's little doubt hat bullet had my name on it." This incident was totally ignored by the mainstream liberal media, in no small part because Cantor failed to publicize it, lest it incite further episodes of intimidation. And that's not the only threat Cantor has received, he claims, although he refuses to release any information on the others, because, as opposed to Democrats, he's above playing politics with the issue. "I feel kind of embarrassed at whining over my little incident," said Bart Stupak who received a picture of himself on a gallows inscribed 'All Baby Killers come to unseemly ends Either by the hand of man or by the hand of God'. "I mean, that's nothing compared with what poor Eric has been going through. I feel like reaching out to him, but unfortunately I can't stand the man."

finger poppin' time

Yeasayer - 'Rome'

from the enormous archives

T-1000

ACORN, the supposed 'community organizer' for low and middle income families which in actuality is a monstrous Socialist election stealing machine, is closing it's doors after a steady loss of revenue caused by the revelation of their rampant promotion of pimping and hoing. They announced yesterday that they will shut down their national offices in the next two weeks. Or will they? Matthew Vadum at David Horowitz's NewsRealBlogs, doesn't think so, and he points to the undeniable fact that the next two weeks contain the date 4/1/10 - April Fool's Day. "Like the T-1000 android assassin in the movie Terminator 2 ACORN has an uncanny ability to pull itself back together even after being blown to bits. Its various state chapters which are busy pretending to break away from the national group witll re-unite in a new as yet unnamed organization in the not-too-distant future. Count on it." I myself have been relentlessly hunted by a Terminator T-1000 android assassin, so I can readily understand how the scars of paranoia such an experience might inflict on a frightened conservative mind, already driven half-mad by an increasingly oppressive society, might be quite deep indeed. It just doesn't make sense that the Terminator T-1000 android assassin would really be gone, does it? As Vadum points out, part of ACORN split off a while back and renamed it's evil self to the innocuous sounding Affordable Housing Center of America (and wasn't it affordable housing that caused the real estate bubble to burst?), and uh, uh, ACORN is "still number one in the heart of President Obama" - the dictator who rules Amerika with an iron fist, and uh, uh, the Terminator said '"I'll be back" and he did come back, although when he came back he was the hero which is kind of confusing although isn't confusion the whole point here? Of course, most conservative thinkers see Vadum's line of thought as the understandable delusion that it is, an attempt to make sense out of a senseless world, and concede the fact that ACORN is really gone. Yet what on earth is going on here? With the 'community organizers' finally on their death bed, the world was at long last beginning to right itself. Gubernatorial victories in Virginia and New Jersey, Scott Brown in Massachusetts, regaining control of Congress a 2010 a possibility, and then suddenly, Health Care defeat is stolen from the GOP and the future dims so much that they no longer need to wear shades. "Something has happened, there's no doubt about it," said leading conservative philosopher Newt Gingrich on the Glenn Beck show. "There's no doubt that the Right's victory over Health Care was stolen from us, but I don't believe that ACORN has returned. But who is it? Could it be George Soros and MoveOn? They're kind of yesterdays news, though. All I know is we've got to get to the bottom of this quick, before our mighty resurgence is stopped dead in it's tracks." "No disrespect, but I think you're overlooking something that's a little obvious here," replied Beck, forefinger hovering thoughtfully along his lower lip. "Something, coincidentally, that was mentioned just a couple of paragraphs ago." "I intentionally wasn't paying attention," admitted Newt. "I try not to listen to nutty ideas so as to avoid clouding my own laser-like mental emanations." "If you ignore nutty ideas, you may miss out on the opportunity to glean an important nugget of truth. The fact is, when the Terminator did return, he was seen by many people as the hero, someone who could save mankind from the new improved Terminator, who was also a model T-1000, but much improved. I don't know why they didn't bother to change the model number, though..." "They didn't change the model number because they wanted people to think the good new Terminator was the same as the bad old Terminator," shouted Newt. "By God, Glenn, you were right about listening to nutty ideas. The good new shape-shifting Terminator is the Republican Party. But the good new Terminator was stuck with the bad old Terminator's name, while the bad old Terminator was just a guy played by Arnold Schwarzenegger." "So you're saying the Terminator is Arnold Schwarzenegger?" "Not at all, Glenn, I'm saying that the bad old Terminator is someone that's playing a part, a man with the power to cloud men's minds and make them believe crazy things." "Barrack Obama?" "No, Glenn, I'm saying that Terminator is you." "Hey, now listen to who's saying nutty things. Well, that's all the time we've got for today folks. Join me again tomorrow. And Newt - Hasta la vista, baby." "Yiii, don't kill me, Glenn, don't kill me." "Whoa, whoa... I'm not going to kill you, Newt, no matter how much it might help my ratings. What the heck's gotten into you?" "I don't know, Glenn. I guess everybody's been a little paranoid lately. I worry that the party may be self-destructing. Sorry." "No problemo. It's in your nature to destroy yourselves."

Here's something that's a bit rare

A seemingly honest bit of introspection and self-appraisal from conservative writer David Frum, who calls the Democrat only health care victory the GOP's 'most crushing legislative defeat since the 1960s'. "A huge part of the blame for today’s disaster attaches to conservatives and Republicans ourselves. At the beginning of this process we made a strategic decision: unlike, say, Democrats in 2001 when President Bush proposed his first tax cut, we would make no deal with the administration. No negotiations, no compromise, nothing. We were going for all the marbles. This would be Obama’s Waterloo – just as healthcare was Clinton’s in 1994..." "This time, when we went for all the marbles, we ended with none." An unfortunate choice of metaphors, as many would argue that the majority of these folks lost their marbles long ago. But Frum does seem to clearly understand that the only victory conservatives were interested in was a Phyrric one, and he puts the blame on the movement itself, and it's reluctance not only to tolerate the nihilistic voices of the likes of Hannity, Beck, and Limbaugh, but to co-opt these voices as their own. "We followed the most radical voices in the party and the movement, and they led us to abject and irreversible defeat. There were leaders who knew better, who would have liked to deal. But they were trapped. Conservative talkers on Fox and talk radio had whipped the Republican voting base into such a frenzy that deal-making was rendered impossible. How do you negotiate with somebody who wants to murder your grandmother? Or - more exactly - with somebody whom your voters have been persuaded to believe wants to murder their grandmother?" As Frum predicts - I believe correctly - this loss is only going to make these voices more rabid, and I imagine Frum's own lessons learned are not only going to fall largely on deaf ears, but that he'll be castigated for sharing them. It's going to be an interesting political season.

Victory

Congratulations, America, on finally making the transition to the Third World. Three is better than one, no? Soon your universal health care will be as fine as what we have here in Cuba. Now how about collectivizing those farms?

There are a lot of hateful people, I know, in every
nation, but doesn't it make you sick to see some
of this trash so proudly on display in America? I'm
quite tired of hearing it labeled as Tea Party activism,
and hope to see it soon identified as what it truly is -
the message of the Republican Party, circa 2010. Voting
this year is even more important than it was in 2008,
and I hope everyone who reads this echos that message
all year long.

Pope really sorry

Pope Benedict has sent a special letter of apology to all the Catholics of Ireland, presumably because the sensitivities of Irish Catholics were so much more offended by the church's widespread sexual abuse scandals than the less touchy Catholics in Germany, Luxemburg, or Kansas. Although touchy is probably a bad choice of words. "You have suffered grievously and I am truly sorry," the letter read in part. I know that nothing can undo the wrong you have endured. Your trust has been betrayed and your dignity has been violated. Know this, however; into every life a little rain must fall. It's not like the end of the world, and most of you will get over it if you just ask God to forgive you for your grudges." Although the papal epistle was full of mea culpas and written on the very finest Vatican stationary, there was no mention of punishment for the perverted priests involved in the scandal, nor of any corrective action beyond sending a 'special apostolic delegation' to certain undisclosed locations in Ireland. Just what this delegation would do when it got wherever it was going was also not revealed, but it is assumed that laying a guilt trip on the perpetrators would be part of the action plan, as indicated by a section of the letter addressed to the abusers, where the Pope tells them they have "forfeited the esteem of the people of Ireland and brought shame and dishonor among your confreres." Forfeiting esteem is considered one of the harshest penalties that can befall a pedophile priest. In conclusion, Benedict touched upon the spiritual pain that has afflicted many Irish Catholics. "It is understandable that you find it hard to forgive or be reconciled with the Church. In her name, I openly express the shame and remorse that we all feel. But I pray that you not believe all priests are guilty of molesting young boys. There are many who molest young girls instead."

Sanford looks to the future

Thursday was an expensive day for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, where in the span of the afternoon a judge separated him from his wife and the state ethics commission separated him from $74,000. Details of the divorce settlement were not made public, but according to a senior aide "they made those piddling ethics fines look like chump change". "At only $2000 per violation, this really was a bargain," said Sanford, who says his real crime was not violating the law more lucratively. "I used cars for unofficial business, flew first class instead of coach, boring, penny-ante stuff. You know, as Governor a lot of really good opportunities for graft present themselves, and I really haven't taken advantage of them. I guess I'm a little immature, like Jenny says, but I've learned an awful lot these past few months. I've done hardly any influence peddling, and, holy cow, just look at the calendar. I'll probably never have this much influence to pedal again, so Katy bar the door, I'm looking at a busy final year." "Oooh," said Katy, switching down the deadbolt. "I love a man who lives for danger."

Boehner beaten

House minority leader John Boehner has been released from George Washington hospital, where he was taken for treatment this morning after being attacked by a group of little punk staffers from the tough Capitol Hill neighborhood. Boehner sustained multiple bruises and abrasions on his lower body, but none of them were deemed to be serious. "I think they hurt his feelings more than anything else," said Dr Stanley Krouch, the physician who treated Boehner. "John Boehner thinks of himself as a big man, and obviously these were very small men that administered the beating. Still, he's lucky, all things considered. Some of these staffers can be quite vicious, and he didn't have any bruising above the buttocks. I guess he may be black and blue around his shin and ankles for a while, but he's still orange everywhere else." "We would have really done some damage to him if he hadn't started crying, but that kind of creeped us out," said Stephen Peterson, who works as a junior aide to Barney Frank. "He was wise enough to give the right response when we asked 'Who's the little punk now', so we let that be the end of it. But he'd better watch that smart mouth of his in the future." "No charges were made against these four gentlemen," said Sgt. Biff McNalley, the responding officer. "Mr Boehner said he would haul my ass up before one of his House committees if I refused to arrest them, and I felt like having a go at him myself, so I believe his beating was completely justified. Imagine, talking that way about a group of people to bankers. The proper phrase is Little People, I told him. They don't like to be called midgets, they don't like to be called dwarfs, and they most assuredly don't like to be called little punks."

Happy Saint Patrick's Day from FGAQ

Dropkick Murphys

earmarks safe

John McCain, the senator who claimed during the 2008 presidential campaign that he had "never asked for nor received a single earmark", is, as usual, mad as hell today after a bill calling for a one year moratorium on earmarks was soundly defeated by a vote of 68-29. "I think old John is stretching the truth a little when he says that he's never asked for an earmark," said Senator Thad Cochran, one of 15 Republicans who joined the majority of the Democrats and made defeating the bill a true bipartisan effort. "Fact is, John has quit asking for earmarks cause he knows he's never going to get any. Seems like he's rubbed us all the wrong way at one time or another, and when it comes time to craft a final bill, there's always someone with enough of a recent grudge willing to yank John's earmarks out. Me, I love me some earmarks. I got $500 million of them in this year's spending bills alone. I don't have any guilt trips." "Thad, you pork eating son of a bitch, I hope you choke on your $500 million," shouted a red-faced McCain. "You need to wise up and realize that the American people want fiscal responsibility and accountability, you self-centered moron." "See, that's exactly what I was talking about," chuckled Cochran. "Now I'm gonna be carrying a grudge against that hot-head, and next time he wants something, he's not gonna get it." "Senator DeMint worked his tail off on this earmark bill," bellowed McCain. "We need something at least as good as the one the House passed." "Try and get a clue, will you?" said Jim DeMint. "I've got a tough re-election bid this year, so of course I'm for earmark reform, and five years from now, maybe I'll be for it again."

"I thought they were going to use the head shots."

Rielle Hunter, infamous mistress of odious former presidential contender John Edwards, has blasted GQ magazine for publishing photographs that she says were not authorized, "even though the release form seems to have my name on it." Hunter calls the photos 'repulsive', and claims that she cried for two solid hours when she first saw them, then had a light lunch, then cried for another forty-five minutes. "It's so humiliating to have the world see me dressed up like a chicken," sobbed Hunter. "At least I think it's a chicken, in retrospect, now that I take a closer look. They told me it was designer, and that I looked beautiful so I just went with the flow. What sort of man could ever love a woman dressed like a chicken? I mean, other than John?"

There will be blood.

Thai protestors, disturbed by Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva's absolute refusal to dissolve Parliament and resign even though they had demonstrated with great vigor for the better part of the day, have decided that, in the spirit of the great American dissident Emeril Lagasse, matters need to be kicked up a notch. "Even though we increased traffic congestion on Paholyothin Road, Vejjajiva refuses to step down," said Democratic Alliance Against Dictatorship (DAAD) leader Veera Musigapong. "Well, no more Mister Nice Guy for us. There will be blood." Specifically their own. Musigapong is asking each protestor to donate at least 10CCs (about a teaspoon) of their own blood "to soak the Prime Minister's office". After Vejjajiva informed the DAAD that he would not allow them inside of his office in order to soak it, they changed their strategy to that of soaking the steps in front of his office. "10cc may not sound like a lot of blood, but if we get 100,000 people to cooperate, it will be a bloodbath," chuckles Musigapong. "Or more accurately, it would be a bloodbath if it were in a tub, for 1,00,000CCs of blood would surely be enough to fill even the tub of a dictator such as Vejjajiva." "I shower," the Prime Minister replied, shrugging through a spokesman. "No matter what his cleansing ritual may be, Vejjajiva ignores the fact that we intend to pour our blood on his stairs," said a defiant Musigapong. "We would see whether Abhisit dares to walk on our blood to work at the government house." "I'm thinking of taking tomorrow off," Vejjajiva mused, "especially considering how many of my people seem to be such fucking ingrates." Musigapong is prepared for this contingency, and unveiled his ingenious plans for the following two days if Vejjajiva should still refuse to resign. "If the Prime Minister stays on, another one million CC of blood would be poured at the Democrat Party headquarter. If he still resists to step down, another one million CC more would soak his house." "I guess they can do whatever they want with the Democrat Headquarters," responded Vejjajiva, "although I've got to ask myself, what the hell kind of a lame protest is this anyway? I mean, that's their own party headquarters, just saying. But a word to the wise DAAD, I know that you believe in peaceful albeit messy and unsanitary protests, but I need to inform you that if you come near my palace, I've got some mighty unmerciful dogs guarding the grounds." As a result, Musigapong has announced that on the third day of the blood oriented protest, the stairs of Vejjajiva's office will once again be soaked, "but this time they will be bloodied by 2,000,000CCs. That should be enough to force the hand of the most cruel of tyrants, even if he does have a back entrance as he now claims." Musigapong admits that he doesn't have a further plan of action if the second stair-soaking should prove ineffective, although he is loathe to admit defeat. "Oh no, this fight has only just begun," says Musigapong. "But most workers in Thailand only get three vacation days a week, as Prime Minister Vejjajiva very well knows, and I'm already a day in the hole. But I tell you this, with all my heart and soul. If this dictator is still clinging to power a year from now, I just might show him my spleen."

Shocked citizens took to the streets in dazed confusion throughout Michele Bachmann's home town of Stillwater, Minnesota today, as a convoy of tractor trailers pulled into town and ACORN workers began unloading the 2010 census forms.

a friend on the court

The LA Times reports today that Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has created a new TEA party group, Liberty Central Inc. "The group plans to issue score cards for Congress members and be involved in the November election, although Thomas would not specify how. She said it would accept donations from various sources - including corporations - as allowed under campaign finance rules recently loosened by the Supreme Court." Isn't that convenient, the loosening of those corporate/political restrictions? I'll bet that might even work to the benefit of Liberty Central, cause there's probably at least one or two corporations who are so cynical that they imagine some possible benefit could be derived from donating to a lobbying group where the CEO just happens to be married to a Supreme Court Justice. Justice Thomas is quick to dismiss any possible conflict of interest, noting that it would be virtually impossible for him to rule in a more corporate friendly way than he already does. "Now if a specific corporation was to donate heavily to my wife's group and a case involving them came before the court, there are those who might say that I should recuse myself. To them I say screw you, there's nothing in the law that says I have to, and quite frankly, I've got this gig for life." In spite of his wife's political activism, Justice Thomas remains a committed Republican, although he express a certain solidarity with TEA party dogma. "I too believe that the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood and tyrants, but it also needs to be fertilized with plenty of corporate booty."

Putting people second, or even third

Murray Hill for Congress

as usual, Boehner ignored

Saying the effort would be worthwhile if it prevented even one future congressional aide from being groped, House Minority leader John Boehner introduced a bill yesterday calling for the investigation of ex-representative Eric Massa to be reopened. Quickly springing into action, the house voted 402-1 to refer the bill to the ethics committee rather than consider it themselves. "He's a groper," said Boehner, "a serial groper, and it's up to us to make sure that he is humiliated sufficiently to prevent him from ever groping again. It's quite obvious that the Democratic leadership was perfectly happy for this pervert to fondle anything that happened to come his way, even if it was me. Not that I ever came his way, just saying. But if I had, I'm sure he would have groped me, and that's a blight on the House that I, in my capacity as majority-leader-in waiting, simply can't allow." "Give me a break," said Nancy Pelosi, who scandalously cast one of the 402 votes to hide Boehner's bill under the sofa. "For lack of better words, I'd say that John is groping for a way to deflect attention away from his mismanagement of the Mark Foley scandal. Mark Foley. Oh for goodness sake, you must remember him. No? God, you people have the attention spans of a gnat." "It's just like Speaker Pelosi to compare the American people to insignificant insects, isn't it," Boehner asked the American people. "This is a bigger issue than the fate of just one tickle-bandit and his victims. This is an issue about whether the Democratic soon-to-be-minority should be held to the same high standards as the GOP." "Tee hee hee," Pelosi responded discreetly.

Roberts unsettled

Chief Justice Roberts has something he needs to get off his chest. Not only off his chest, but off his mind. It's been weighing heavily on both locations for several weeks now, and after giving it diligent deliberation, he has finally given voice to the cause of his concern: the terrible decision regarding the Supreme Court's ruling allowing unlimited corporate campaign spending. No, it's not the idea of turning the electoral system over to our corporate overlords that bothers him, it's the fact that the President criticized the ruling at the State of the Union that Roberts finds truly unsettling. "The image of having the members of one branch of government standing up, literally surrounding the Supreme Court, cheering and hollering while the court - according to the requirements of protocol - has to sit there expressionless, I think is very troubling," Roberts told an audience at University of Alabama Law School. "I suppose we could change the protocol so that we would also be allowed to holler, but quite frankly, most of us are a little shy about doing so because we don't want to draw attention to these silly black robes. Which we have to wear to the event because of protocol. Hmm, come to think of it, I suppose we could change the protocol on that as well... after all, we are the Supreme Court." Roberts dictated a few quick notes on judicial fashion to a handy legal clerk before continuing. "But if I can cut to the chase, to the extent the State of the Union has degenerated into a political pep rally, I'm not sure why we are there." "Somebody tell that half-wit that attendance isn't mandatory," interjected Justice Clarence Thomas. "I didn't go, and I don't plan on going again next year. Scalia didn't go. Alito went even though he didn't want to, and he ended up making half a fool of himself." "All I did was shake my head and move my lips," shouted Justice Alito, quick to the defense. "Jesus Christ, Thomas, what I was trying to was loosen up the protocol a little bit, just like the boss suggested." "Your comments are premature, Justice Alito," replied Roberts. "I haven't ruled on the matter of protocol yet. And Justice Thomas, I'm taking your argument under advisement. I may put forward a decision to not go to next years speech as well." "Well, I wouldn't miss it for the world," Justice Ginsberg responded decisively. "I rarely get to go anywhere exciting anymore. And these black robes are just fine. They're about the nicest thing I've got in my wardrobe at my age." "You're still a youngster to me, Justice Ginsberg," Justice Stevens said gallantly. "And while we're on the subject of age, let me take exception to Justice Roberts comment about the State of the Union degenerating into a pep rally. I've been going to these speeches for thirty-five years, and they haven't degenerated into anything. The president says where the nation is and where he wants to lead it, and for a couple of hours everyone pretends to be on the same page in an attempted show of unity. Just what do you have against pep rallies, anyway?" "He's a friggin activist," muttered Justice Sotomayor. "Wow," said Justice Robert, taken aback. "I may be the big cheese on this court, but it looks like I've still got a lot to learn." "Tell me about it," Justice Scalia concurred.

Eric Massa Comix

What are you doing? I don't like the way you're looking at me, Beck. Like I'm some sorta piece of meat or something... Hey! Hey! Watch the finger. What the fuck, are you trying to poke me?
Of course not, Congressman... or should I say, ex-Congressman Massa. I'm simply trying to point out that you seem to be a sort of bellwether for the fate of the Democratic Party.
Well, it sure looked as though you were trying to poke me with that meaty protuberance of yours. And don't call me a bellwether... Uh, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
You're a guest on this show, so of course it's meant as a good thing. I'm saying that you are amongst the first of many Democrats who will be forced to leave Congress because of controversy and scandal.
Oh yeah, I guess you mean Democrat dissidents like me who will be forced to unjustly leave Congress. But if you want to talk about scandal...
I do, I do... Such as the scandal of saying you were resigning from Congress because of cancer when the truth is you were facing sexual harassment charges. From guys. Go on and talk, ex-Congressman, I'm hanging onto your every little word.
I submit to you that sexual harassment charges are a form of cancer when they're based on nothing but lies and innuendo. And bogus on top of that. I was driven out of the Democratic Party because I was the deciding vote on health care, and my vote was a resounding NO.
I like the NO part, ex-Congressman, but you were voting no because you didn't think the bill was Socialistic enough. So, just who was this very scary individual that forced you to resign?
That person, if you can even call such a monstrosity a person, was Barrack Obama's hatchet man - Rahm Emanuel.
Yes, Rahm Emanuel, the very spawn of Satan himself! He would do anything to win a vote, a man who would waterboard his own mother, a man who freezes holy water into ice cubes for the purpose of chilling his own Bloody Marys, a beast who would spread vicious lies to destroy a man like Eric Massa.
Holy cow, ex-Congressman, this is so much worse than the American people might even realize. I think we all know that the Obama administration is filled with Chicago thugs, but Rahm Emanuel is the worst.
Hey Glenn, wanna hear a funny story? It wasn't that amusing when it happened to me, but your audience might get a kick out of it. And it involves a lot of male nudity.
Do go on.
Well, this happened when I had just been in office for a few weeks. I was down at the congressional gym, where I was naked as a jaybird because I was taking a shower, you know? So I'm lathering up, and I take a peek outside my stall and who do you think I see staring intently at me? Rahm Emanuel. And he's naked as a jaybird, not even a towel around his tush. And I had to ask myself ,what the heck is Rahm Emanuel doing here in the congressional gym, naked as a jaybird?
This story seems to have a lot of jaybirds in it, ex-Congressman, but go ahead and tell me, what was Rahm Emanuel doing in the congressional gym, and why was he staring at you?
He was coming to take my vote, Glenn, and I wasn't about to let that happen. We were both as naked as jaybirds, yes, we had that much in common, but I was going to vote against the president's budget and Rahm Emanuel wasn't about to let that occur.
Before I knew what was happening, Rahm Emanuel walked right into my shower and began poking me in the chest. With his finger. And he was shouting at me and the next thing I knew we had tumbled to the floor, both naked as jaybirds, and he was punching me and poking me and prodding me, all in a futile attempt to get my vote. I maintained my integrity that time, but he's hated me ever since day, and now it looks like he wins.
Huh. Well, as much as I would like to believe your story, ex-Congressman Massa, I think that you are trying to deceive my vast audience in, if you'll pardon the pun, a naked attempt to garner sympathy and deflect attention away from your own misdeeds. Rahm Emanuel is too cool and calculating a political operative to risk his credibility on an individual of your minor consequence. And now, this interview has reached it's conclusion.
Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?
No I don't. That's it for the show today, folks. Join me again tomorrow when I shall have no guest except for my chalkboard and the eyes of the nation.
Whew, boy, I'm glad to have that hour over and done. That guy was really starting to give me the creeps... How do you think the show went?
About as good as could be expected. I appreciate it, Glenn. Drinks are on me.

America reflects

Turning back to reflect on the two decade engagement with the deadly blind date known as Iraq, America today paused to comment briefly on just how far the fractured nation has come merely within the span of an average Iraqi citizen's expected adult lifetime. "It was a relationship with a country that's always had a bad reputation," America said with a bitter, knowing laugh, "but I went in to it with my eyes wide open, thinking I could be the one to make a difference. Yeah, me and half the rest of the Western world. Yeah.. We used to be the coalition of the willing, but I'd be willing to have half a lobotomy if I could erase the past twenty years." "Whatever," said Prime Minister Nuri Maliki, who likely won a second term in the weekend's oft-bombed elections. "Normally, the beautiful days in life come after fatigue and difficulties. The difficult labor produces a more beloved result. So pack up the rest of your things and leave, and don't let the door hit you you where the good Lord split you." Few will miss the disharmonious relationship. "Guess I can scratch this one off my bucket list," said President Obama, relieved to find that not a single scary Republican was calling him a coward for continuing the withdrawal as planned. "Iraq used to be a nation where citizens were unable to map out their own sorry lifelines, constrained as they were by the whims of a cruel dictator who would blow their asses to hell if they dared to eviscerate their neighbor. Now they are a free people who can slaughter each other as they freely choose. God bless Iraq, or maybe I should say Allah bless Iraq, and God bless the United States of America." "I guess it was my surge that sealed this deal," said failed politician/human-being John McCain, "but I don't want to be hording credit at a time like this. It's time for American troops to be heading home - well, not for home, but for Afghanistan, a place that seems much closer to home, if like me, you're a senile old coot running for reelection in the great state of Arizona. God bless me, and God bless the United States of America." "I kind of wish we still had Iraq as a buffer state against Iran," opined Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "But if wishes were horses, then beggars could fly free on United Airlines. I'm not making any sense, am I? Well, neither has our foreign policy for the past decade, and all I can say is, God bless the military-industrial complex, and God bless the United States of America." "I suppose I agree with most of what Secretary Gates said," added Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "Iraq used to be a very useful buffer state. Even Ronald Reagan understood that much. My Husband, when he was president, tried to keep Iraq at arms length, but in the end he was just the ham and cheese in the middle of the Bush sandwich. Jeez, that's an unfortunate choice of metaphor, but I guess what I mean to say is that it's been a confused time in our nation's history, but nevertheless, God bless the United States of America." "Blah, blah blah," said America. " "I wouldn't say I've been confused as much as immature. You've got to keep in mind that I'm still a relatively young country. China, India, they've been around the block a few times. Me, I'm impulsive. Even though I say I'm on the straight and narrow, I'll probably end up getting in another crazy relationship before you know it."

another thing they have in common

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." - God, circa 700 BC "If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us. In that passage he says, I wrote your name on the palm of my hand to remember you. And I'm like okay, I'm in good company." - Sarah Palin, 3/6/10

Virginia devolves some more

In February, Virginia's newly elected stealth-theocratic Governor Bob McDonnell, as one of his first acts in office, signed an executive order which removed sexual orientation from state non-discrimination laws. Protests quickly broke out across Virginia, as critics rightly pointed out that for all practical purposes this ruling would only impact GLBT workers at the state and municipal level. "This does nothing at all for the business owners, landlords, and millions of ordinary Virginians who want to discriminate against the gays," said Congressman Bob Goodlatte, echoing the sentiment expressed by many of his constituents. "Course I guess we can always just assume the law is on our side, cause I'm guessing that it probably is." The McDonnell administration has now taken it's first step to bring the order into focus, with state Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli telling Virginia public colleges and universities to rescind policies that ban discrimination on sexual orientation, saying they have extended these protections 'without authority'. "I know our state slogan is 'Virginia is for lovers'," said Cuccinelli, making a yucky face, "But I don't even want to think about what some of these perverts are doing on the campuses of our fine Virginia schools. Or even off campus. It doesn't matter. These are our schools and these are our rules. And furthermore, the state assembly is readying a bill to change our state slogan to 'Virginia is for gun lovers'." Many of the schools are balking at the order. "As of today, our nondiscrimination policy stands as it is," says Virginia Tech spokesman Mark Owczarski. "We've got to get approval from our Board, and they don't meet all that often. And whoa, look at this, our agenda for the next meeting looks pretty filled up." "Look, we're telling the schools to stop non-discriminating, not to start discriminating, at least right now," states Cuccinelli. "If they want to give me any lip about it, well, I don't know, the order doesn't give me any enforcement mechanism, so I guess I'll just have to ask the Governor." "I know what we'll do," McDonnell said brightly. "We'll cut their budgets... Oops, I forgot, we've already done that."

PowerPoint: So easy a caveman can do it

Lest you think that the following is parody of a particularly silly nature, here is the link back to Politico, which broke the latest bizarre story on the very strange leadership of the Republican National Committee. My first thought was that the presentation was a hoax, but no, Michael Steel has already partially distanced himself from it (he doesn't believe it's proper to portray Obama as the Joker). First, lets have some fun... Does anyone around here know how to draw an Org Chart? Has anyone around here ever even seen an Org Chart? What can you sell when you've already sold your soul? (Nice use of purple on blue, guys!) There must be 50 ways to bribe your donor. Hard to read even at full size, but the subhead under Direct Marketing is 'Visceral Giving', with the bullets 'Fear', 'Extreme negative feelings towards Administration', and the very important 'Reactionary'. The subhead for Major Donors is 'Calculated Giving'. And we wrap it all up with silliness galore. Okay, the Joker I can understand, and maybe Cruella DeVille, but does Scooby Doo really belong in the Evil Empire? In memory of Jon Swift, RIP

Parliamentarian!

Many headstrong and courageous individuals have strode across the US Senate floor throughout the history of that great institution, voicing their stirring thoughts and casting their mighty votes, setting the steady course that has lead to our nation's glory. But even amongst these titans of bureaucracy, there is still one individual that can fill their hearts with icy dread and fear. That ominous being is known as 'The Parliamentarian, Interpreter of the Rules'. Meet Alan Frumin, a man you've never heard of, and yet a man who has it within his power to shape the ultimate outcome of the dreaded health care reconciliation. “I think most people don’t trust him,” said a senior GOP official who, like most, was far too frightened of Frumin to even consider allowing his name to appear in print. "Mark my words, he's going to allow socialized medicine to be rammed right down the gagging throat of America." Senator McConnell X is right to be apprehensive about Frumin, because this particular Parliamentarian is the very same man who in 2001 was put into this position of almost limitless supremacy by none other than radical leftist Trent Lott; the very same man who allowed President Bush's Republican controlled Senate to use reconciliation to ram two separate tax cuts for the rich down the screaming throat of America. "You said screaming throat," interrupted Senator John McCain. "What Senator McConnell said was... What? He didn't want his name used? Ah, jeez, what a pussy. Anyway, what Senator X said was gagging throat, which is a totally different thing. I for one am of the opinion that when we passed those tax cuts, America was screaming with pleasure. Nobody gags with pleasure... I don't think... Ah, who am I kidding, I've seen some weird ass things in my life. But I haven't seen anything weirder than the fact that when Harry Reid became majority leader he didn't switch out the Parliamentarian. It's the same way I feel about Defense Secretary Gates. If people are staying, there's got to be something going on." “I think clearly the majority leader has his ear, and I’ve got concerns,” said anonymous source Senator Jim DeMint. "You ever see Blue Velvet? I can say no more. And please don't quote me unless you call me an anonymous source."