Mighty New North Korean Threat

In further proof of the old religious curse that the incompetencies of the father are visited upon the son, baby-faced North Korean President Kim Jong-un suffered his second major military embarrassment in less than a month, not bad for a lad only a few weeks into his dictatorship. To make matters worse, the mortifying incident occurred following a military parade which was supposed to divert attention from the utter failure of North Korea's mighty space rocket and observation satellite - the little ship that couldn't.   "It was a grand parade intended to show off the North's mighty new weapon," said Nonom DePlume of the Associated Press. "At first we though they had even reinstituted the legendary DPRK Women Warriors of War for the parade, but it quick became sadly clear that it was simply a case of the regular army no longer being able to afford pants. I guess the point is, even more than a mighty rocket ship, the thing North Korea wants most is a working Inter Continental Ballistic Missile System... Uh, let me rephrase that, what the people want most is a sandwich, but the military has been yearning for ICBMs for a long time. Working ones."   "We thought that perhaps they had some that might work this time," continued DePlume. "Well, we thought it was a possibility, at least. A remote one. Just yesterday they claimed their mighty missile would be able to defeat the United States with a single blow. And the day before I believe it could reduce South Korea to ashes in the blink of an eye. That would be a mighty missile, but nobody was exactly on red alert..."   "The thing is, they never should have put them on display. Never. Those were some phony-ass missiles, I'm telling you. They didn't even fit on the launchers. The casings were all wrong, so thin and fake, and they looked like they were made out of a combination of liquid-fuel and solid-fuel components which means, you know, they would just blow up on launch. If they were real, that is."   "Such arrogance is really indecent coming from a French man," responded North Korea's top general Vice Marshal Ri Yong-ho. "Tell Mister DePlume our missiles are quite real, as he will find out soon when he is annihilated. One more thing. Perhaps our missiles have been intended to blow up on launch so that we don't destroy the planet until we're ready. Think about that, Nonom DePlume. As a matter of fact, get ready to die. I'm launching now. Hahahaha..  Oh. Oh dear. Forgive me great leader, Kim Jong-un. I forgot to ask his coordinates. I suppose I'll be the next to meet an untimely demise."   "Well, DePlume was wrong about one thing," said Colonel Dean Frank of the Joint Special Operations Command a few moments later. "Sorry about the eavesdropping, but national security, you know. Anyway, the satellite photos just came in a few minutes ago, and not only did North Korea's new ICBM not blow up on launch, it actually attained an altitude of 27 feet and flew a full mile and a half. It didn't explode on impact, either, but I guess you could say that if this isn't their most deadly missile yet, at least it's the most hilarious."

Jong no longer il

The axis of evil lost one of it's most prominent spokes today, as insane dictator Kim Jong-il finally made good on his pledge to one day shuffle off of this mortal coil and make room for another Jong. He is widely believed to have gone to a better place, as most locales are considered far superior to North Korea.   The man known to his face as Beloved Leader was able to maintain one of the world's largest active military by providing them with one of North Korea's rarest commodities, food, or as it is known throughout the country, edible gold.   According to legend, Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942, atop of north Korea's highest peak, Mount Paektu. A magic swallow announced his birth and was promptly executed. Also too, a new star appeared in the sky and there was a rare double rainbow even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky.   Aside from his enormous military, Kim Jong-il will be most remembered as being the only nuclear armed insane dictator that was totally unable to terrify anyone other than his own subjects.    The rare double rainbow reappeared today over Pyongyang in honor of the Beloved Leader's passing. He will not be missed.

corn

Aside from it's purpose as a useful prop which allows politicians to happily chow down with the common people while still retaining a pointing device, corn has always proved quite useful over the years as a communication device.   A true leader understands the importance of an ear of corn on all of it's symbolic levels. Observe, for example, President Obama standing in a cornfield, telling the people of Wichita that despite the fact that the economy has gone to hell and that many of them will likely never work again, they still can share in the rich bounty of corn, one of the true bargains of the vegetable kingdom. Corn is our heritage, he can tell them, immediately after which the Republicans will respond that their heritage is not corn but cauliflower and this whole obsession with corn seems suspiciously European.    One of the classic recent examples of the communicative value of corn took place in the early days of the George W Bush administration. Vladimir Putin was making a state visit, and being distrustful of Russia Bush chose to host him at a barbeque on his ranch rather than a more formal location. In a moment of bravado, Bush challenged Putin to a two mile bike race before eating, a challenge which the Russian handily won. Outraged by the loss, Bush grabbed one of the large roasting ears, and holding it threateningly, told Putin "I'm going to cut you, you son of a bitch". Unfazed, Putin grabbed an even larger ear of corn, stuck it between his legs, and shouted "Blow me, asshole". The two men laughed and laughed, and that day a lasting friendship was born.     Another common communicative value of corn is to convey a sense of menace. One cannot see the picture above without asking oneself 'Just what the hell is Kim Jong il doing with an ear of corn in what appears to be the North Korean stock exchange? What fiend gave it to him and what sort of unholy alliance does the gift represent? Is it really an ear of corn or is it a solid gold bauble with which he can amuse himself while his nation starves? Another possibility arises: whereas Bush handled an ear of corn as a primitive but effective weapon, Jong might look at the same ear and ludicrously ask himself 'Could this be the key to unfathomable nuclear destruction?' And then he would lock fifty scientists into a room until they made it so.   While this look at this highly versatile foodstuff has been far from exhaustive, before we leave for happy hour it is important to note one last vital message it may send - it's undisputable power to convey empathy. Observe Mitt Romney tenderly holding an ear of Iowa's finest. He appears not only bemused by the corn but deeply in touch with it, as though to say "This vegetable and I are much alike. I am one with this vegetable, and if you feel the same, I hope that you can open up your heart to me as well."

Happy Birthday, Kim Jong-il

"Let's all give a big hand to Pyongyang's own marvelous Kyrozi Water Dancers... Weren't they great, folks? Always a pleasure to see them in action. Although I'll let you all in on a bit of a secret tonight, just between comrades: the Water Dancers are in a lot of trouble. You might even say that they're swimming in perilous water, because today isn't my birthday. It's my dad's, and that doesn't look like a 69 to me. Hey Water Dancers, I hope that you enjoy dirt farming!"    "Okay, we've got a big evening of entertainment planned including the inspiring Korean Army Marching Band, the amazing acrobats of Kyfong Province, and the always delightful Jongetts. Right now, I don't know about you folks, but my dad could go for some more water sports. So that's what we're going to next, but with a twist - frozen water. That's right, you're in for a real treat, Pyongyang's own Sukeena Ice Dancers. General Sang, have your men freeze the pool, and oh, by the way, no need to remove the Water Dancers."

genius on the world stage

Tensions were dramatically lowered on the Korean peninsula early today when South Korea's President Lee received an unexpected missive from insane dictator Kim Jong-il. "Happy holidays from the fun and freedom loving citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea," it read. "You've been punked."   Suddenly and without a word of warning, North Korea had backed down from it's pledge to inflict "brutal consequences beyond imagination" upon South Korea. They just didn't "feel any need" to respond to the South's silly military actions since they recognized them for what they truly were - "nothing but a childish play" for attention. Not only that, but the south was just "firing shells left unused during the military provocation on Nov. 23 - you know, the one where we blew up their island."   "Well, those guys really dodged a bullet this time," said President Lee. "If North Korea had subjected us to brutal consequences beyond imagination, we would have retaliated big time. There's no telling what we might have done. I know we've talked about responding to their attacks in the past, but we've had about enough and this time we really meant it. Maybe the ferocity with which our military was firing our missiles into the Yellow Sea frightened them, I don't know. It sure as hell scared some of the bluefin tuna."   North Korea wasted no time in trumpeting the remarkable diplomacy they showed by refraining from inflicting brutal consequences beyond imagination upon the South, calling upon the world to recognize "who is the real supporter of peace and who is the real provocateur of a war."   "It's true that I'm a South Korean," said United Nations  Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, "but today I must speak out in my role as a representative for the entire world and say Stick it up your ass, Jong. You bet we recognize who the real provocateur is."   Aside from their own love of diplomacy, North Korea had another more practical reason to avoid conflict at the moment, it's realization of America's insidious plot to use "South Korea's military provocation" to force the North into a war that would save the U.S. from bankruptcy.   "Damn, I can't believe they figured it out," said a disappointed President Obama. "Those guys really are the sharpest tools in the shed. I was going to call it Stimulus II, because if the last ten years have proven anything, it's what a beneficial effect a couple of good wars can have on the economy. Oh well, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Jong's last splash

What the hell is that insane dictator up to now? That's the question upon everyone's lips today. Nobody even has to ask 'to what insane dictator do you refer', because even though there may be other dictators who are technically more mentally unbalanced - we're looking at you, Robert Mugabe - there are none who wear the, uh, field jacket of insane dictatorship more distinctly or proudly than Beloved Leader Kim Jong-il.   Why would Jong launch such an audacious attack on South Korea, which only now was starting to forgive him for sinking one of their warships and killing 46 sailors back in the long-ago month of March 2010? Why would he shell Yeonpyeong Island, home of the rare and delicious Kumouuri spiced crab as well as twelve hundred South Koreans, setting it ablaze, killing two, injuring nineteen, and sending scores of others running like hell to the ferry in order to get back to the mainland? Why? I mean, other than the fact that he's an insane dictator who loves the taste of Kumouuri crabs and feels that the island is rightfully his?   The Wall Street Journal explains it by saying Jong is a master of brinksmanship, which is simply a kinder way of saying that he's an insane dictator, and we already established that fact in our first rhetorical question.   The Financial Times tells us that Jong is playing poker, and this was his second ace; the first, of course, was the insane decision to show off North Korea's new uranium enrichment facility. Why play these two cards they ask, before proceeding to treat us to all manner of entertaining poker analogies, concluding with the wish that the West has more in it's hand than a broken flush.   The New York Times explains that Jong blames South Korea for the attacks. Of course he does - he's an insane dictator, and that's just the way they are. And while it's true that the South was staging military actions in the vicinity of Jong's country, Pyongyang was informed, and there is the inconvenient fact that South Korea is very much in the vicinity of North Korea.   What everyone in the press is quick to point out is the fact that Jong is a miserable, disease-ridden sack of shit who's just about ready to pack it in after two decades of keeping his people on a starvation diet while pursuing his dreams of military glory, all of which he is expected to pass along to his Westernized son, the adorable Kim 'Babyface' Jong-un. Perhaps, in his own insane way, Jong is trying to set the stage for Lil' Kim. This was certainly suggested in an interview with Steve Doocy that was taped last Thursday, but bumped to make room for FOX's continuing coverage of TSA junk touching. "I am sick and I am not aging gracefury," Jong explained to Doocy . "Nor do I intend to do so. If I can pass any personar rife ressons to my son about how the worrd rearry works, then maybe he won't disgrace me as badry as I fear."   "But rearry, there's my regacy to think of. I want peoper to remember me the way I was, a man who would just as soon annihirate them as give them the time of day. There's a poem, Steve, maybe you know it - Do not go genter into that good night, ode age should burn and rave at crose of day; rage, rage against the dying of the right... One rast internationar incident, that's arr I ask, one rast sprash."

Babyface

He's here! He's here! The new dictator is here at last! It was a wildly exciting day in Pyongyang as the very first photo of Kim Jong-un was released, a photograph which confirmed the rumor that the future Supreme Ruler of North Korea was cute as a button.    Kim Jong-un is only 28 years old, which will make him the youngest brutal dictator in North Korean history. Educated at the International School of Berne in Switzerland, his rise to power has been meteoric, primarily due to the fact that his father's health is in decline and Jong-un is the only one of his kids he liked. He is a member of the Central Committee of The Party, a job at which he was obviously so successful that earlier this year he was named as deputy chairman of The Party's military Commission. His lack of military experience has not proven an impediment, and last month he was given the rank of four-star general in the People's Army due to his ability to look absolutely adorable in a uniform. "For sixteen years, North Korea has been under the thumb of a cruel dictator with a face eerily reminiscent of a hatchet," said admiring dung worker Song Yon-hee. "It will be a pleasure to be under the thumb of a babyface like Kim Jong-un."

Happy 62nd

It's party time in Pyongyang today as mandated by insane dictator Kim Jong-il, and workers were given half a day off in order to orderly celebrate by visiting gigantic statues of Eternal President Kim II-sung. The anniversary of the founding of the glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea marked 62 years of deprivation for the starving citizens who made merry by gaily waving the sparklers they had been given this week in lieu of pay. The state bakery displayed an enormous sixteen inch rice cake which the people thronged to see, and surviving members of the state soccer team were beaten in the public square. The anniversary of the founding is one of three official holidays, along with the birthday celebrations for Kim II-sung and Kim Jong-il. The citizens had been hoping that the dictatorship would have been passed to Jong-il's son Kim Jong-un by now, but the old madman stubbornly continues to hang onto both life and power, claiming the people are only interested in getting another half day off work. As part of the preparation for the anniversary, the General Federation of Science and Technology held a public display of a new video bowling game based on 'The Big Lebowski' that they had developed in conjunction with Rupert Murdoch's News Corp (which is not technically in violation of American and European sanctions). News Corp gets the benefit of an extremely cheap labor pool while North Korea sees software development as a potentially lucrative revenue source for the cash strapped nation, although neither side has asked the all-important question: who the hell is clamoring for a video bowling game based on the Big Lebowski? Certainly not the unfortunate citizens of North Korea who have no means of playing video games, and who no doubt hold a quite different concept of what a White Russian is. Most North Koreans who saw the demonstration were singularly uninterested in the game as soon as they learned it was not edible.

mercy

North Korean women's team celebrate the firing of Kim Jong-hun Due to the declining health of Kim Jong-il and the transition of power to his son Kim Jong-un, it's been an anxious period for the North Korean Soccer team that shamed the nation in the 2010 World Cup. It took a few weeks, but justice has finally been dispensed. In a surprise to all concerned, the disgraced players were treated almost mercifully, and the coach remains alive and thus far untortured. "I was very frightened when we were ordered onto the stage at the People's Palace of Culture," said Ri Kwang-Chon. "After all, we had humiliated our Beloved Leader in front of the world, so I was ready to accept my fate. I even made out my will, leaving my small bag of turnips and my extra socks to my brother Kim. The room was packed with government officials, and when I saw the Minister of Sports Pak Myong-choi, I was prepared for the worst. But then who should appear but Pak In-Guk, my favorite sports announcer. I relaxed right away because I knew a man like Pak could never be the instrument of my demise." Instead, In-Guk presided over a six-hour long torrent of verbal humiliation, which concluded with a special roast of hapless Coach Kim Jong-hun. "The insults they hurled were sharp indeed, each one more richly deserved than the previous," claimed Kwang-Chon. "Their criticism was surprisingly devastating considering the fact that I had thought myself to have no more self-esteem to lose. I feel I owe the officials an apology for the way I made them strain their voices. But after only a few hours, they stopped the torment and showed us a curious kindness, asking me and my teammates to castigate our coach. This was an opportunity we seized with relish, for if Kim Jong-hun had been a coach of any merit, we surely would not have been such pathetic worms. I do not have the sharpest of tongues, but I tried to the best of my ability to carve that son of a dog a new asshole." "Things could have been a lot worse," said Jong-hun. "Indeed they should have been, for I am a true slug of a coach. The words of my players hurt, it's true, but it was a cleansing pain that I felt. I probably was not even sufficiently humiliated when they stripped me of my job as coach and the women's soccer team did the Pyongyang Happy Dance. I accepted the shovel for my new job with true gratitude, and asked myself 'Is that all there is?' It is truly a new day. The old Kim Jong-il... he would have kirred me. He would have annihirated me. He would have torn me rimb from rimb. He would... Uh, please, you're not going to report this, are you?"

The Jong Report

"Guess who just shot 82 today, Hillary..." "Who shot 82? What? God, I hope you're not talking about the Taliban..." "No, eighty-two on the golf course. That would be me. El Presidente. Or you can call me Tiger." "Tiger Woods would probably commit suicide if he ever shot an 82. You weren't seriously playing golf today, were you?" "Why not? We haven't had a major new crisis since Monday." "No, I mean that it's over a hundred degrees outside, and with the humidity..." "They've got this special enclosed presidential golf cart, with air-conditioning and a mini-bar..." "Oh yeah, Bill used to love that. But when it got this hot, he'd just go along for the ride and drink beer. He'd use a proxy to get out of the cart, and then criticize the poor guy if he made a bad shot." "Heh heh heh... Well, my proxy is Bob Gates. That's how I managed to shoot an 82. Anyway, down to business." "You've got that look in your eye..." "Come on, Hillary, you know what I like." "The Jong Report? Your favorite briefing. I'm afraid I've got some distressing news in this one, Mister President. You may not care for it." "Distressing news? Well, go ahead and give it to me." "As you know, Pyongyang is making threatening noises again as we commence our military drills with South Korea. So the North is saying... let me read this so I get it right. It's kind of strangely nuanced... Okay. 'The army and people will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence the largest-ever nuclear war exercises'." "Yeah, counter with deterrence, I've been thinking about that ever since I first heard it. It's meaningless." "It means something, I'm just not sure what. The thing that puzzled me was their promise of 'retaliatory sacred war'. North Korea talking about sacred war?" "Really. That phrase doesn't even make sense in the context of their culture." "They also said 'The more desperately the US imperialists brandish their nukes and the more zealously their lackeys follow them, the more rapidly the nuclear deterrence will be bolstered up along the orbit of self-defense'." "The usual bullshit. What's the upshot?" "They'll probably shoot a few missiles into the sea, something to try and get our attention. The most interesting thing is that we don't believe this message came from Kim Jong-il." "Really? Why is that?" "Because if it was from Jong, it would have been 'The more desperatry the US imperiarists brandish their nukes and the more zearousry their rackeys forrow them, the more rapidry the nucrear deterrence wirr be borstered up arong the orbit of serf-defense'. Just sayin." "Bwah haha ha ha..." "Jong would have said 'We are becoming increasingry tired of the of the berrigerence of the West and their imperiarists miratary. We would just as soon annihirate you as rook at you. As for the irregitimate government of the South and their craims that we started these tensions by browing up their ritter boat, we have stated crearry in the past that they are rying asshores'." "Hoo hoo hoo, oh I rove it, that rying asshore line gets me every time." "Just don't rove it too much, boss. Remember I said I had some distressing news? Here, take a look at this photo." "What the hell is that? The Oscar for ugliest dictator?" "Not bad... This surfaced a few days ago in Pyongyang. It's a statue of Jong." "Okay... and you're saying the the country is now so poor that they now have to use pewter instead of bronze for their statues? What's the significance?" "The significance is that there is a statue. Jong is still a follower of Confucianism, so he believes that..." "That a statue would symbolize the end of his regime. Damn, I'm glad I picked you for this job, Hillary." "Thank you. This probably means that our intelligence has been spot on, and Jong will be replaced by his third son before the end of summer." "Kim Jong-un." "Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong Eun or Kim Jong-woon or Kim Jung Woon, whatever the hell you want to call him. Don't laugh, he's apparently got a lot of names." "I know, I just like the way you say them." "I think that we can probably conclude that the latest North Korean belligerence is just a way to keep our focus elsewhere while they negotiate the transfer of power... But I'm afraid the bad news is that Jong-un has no accent." "No accent?" "Not a funny one, at any rate. He went to school in Switzerland and speaks pretty good English, German and French." "Aww... Chirac and Merkel are going to be disappointed. The Jong Report just isn't going to be the same." "Don't give up. There's an awful lot we don't know about him yet. Like, reportedly he's pretty overweight..." "Uh Huh. That's a good look to have in a starving country." "...and he's a heavy drinker who refuses to admit mistakes..." "Sounds like an ex-president I know." "...and akin to Beroved Reader before him, the radies rike him." "Heh... Thanks, Hillary. I guess we'll still have the memories." "Any time, boss. That's what I'm here for."

North Korea drubbed

Kim Jong-il demostrates prototype of the new Taepodong-3 missile North Korea was beaten like a cheating hooker today in their World Cup match against Portugal, who scored an amazing seven points before the clock put an end to their misery. It was quite possibly the most points ever scored against the North Korean team who was making only their second appearance on the international stage. To rub salt into the wound, the belligerent but impoverished nation interrupted their round the clock propaganda on state controlled television to broadcast the game, which allowed those fortunate enough to live in the vicinity of a TV to experience the beating in glorious black and white. "North Korea did not receive a drubbing," said diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il, only moments after ordering the execution of the soccer ambassadors and their coaches. "There was a crear riberar bias against our sadry deceased athretes that borders on the obvious, much rike we border against the mutinous traitors to our south. Traitors, who I might point out, recentry had their sirry battership sunk to the bottom of the sea by the American imperiarists. When wirr they ever rearn?" "At any rate, the truth sharr soon be known by the ironicarry named Peopers Repubric of Korea, as we announced earrier on state terevision. The entire game was prayed backwards. When we show it in the proper format, everyone wirr be aber to see our nober dead athretes, kirred by an unscrupurous and unprovoked American attack, rarry from a seven point deficet to a grorious 0-0 tie. And of course, we win arr ties." "The best part of this wirr be our magnificent victory rap, where we rip the insignificant nation of Portugar asunder," gloated Jong, whose country may have recently shown that they have mastered nuclear fusion, the technology necessary for building a hydrogen bomb. (A report either so frightening or so boring that the media has chosen to completely ignore it.) "When we comprete our victory rap, the Portuguese won't even know what hit them. So I wirr terr them, here and now. It was our brand spanking new Taepodong-3 missire that merted your faces. The H-bomb. Perhaps you've heard of it before?" "Oh, so they've got an H-bomb, do they?" said Portugal's soccer coach Carlos Queiroz. "Well, bad news, that. Still, before we meet our supposed demise, at least we'll have the satisfaction of knowing that our team beat them like a rented mule. Although I do suppose that analogy will just make their people hungrier."

The Jong Report

"Mister President? Barry?" "Come in and take a load off, Hillary. I've been anxious to hear about the preparations for your Asia trip. Can I have them get you something to drink?" "Coffee would be great... As for the trip, everything seems to be on schedule. I'll be in Japan first, meeting with Prime Minister Hatoyama and Foreign Minister Okada, ostensibly to discuss our air base, but I imagine we'll primarily focus on North Korea. Then it's on to China, where they want me to tour their Shanghai Expo. All day Saturday. God I hate those things. Then I meet up with Geithner and the rest of the guys on Sunday for our economic talks. I guess my main role in that will be to try to keep my eyes open. And then on Monday, it's off to South Korea to meet with Mungobungo." "Myung-bak, President Lee Myung-bak. He hates it when you mispronounce his name, Hillary. "Yeah, whatever. I asked him last time if I could just call him Lee, so it's all good now. I'm just worried about what our proper course to take is in shaping a meaningful response to the North Korean aggression." "Just make sure that Myung-bak takes the lead, that's all. It was their boat that the North sank, so they need to decide how much they want to commit, and then we decide what we can support." "Well don't be surprised if you get one of those three in the morning phone calls, Mister President. Nobody's ever been able to figure out what to do with Kim Jong-il. By the way, I wanted to say a couple things about last night's state dinner for President Calderón." "That was some wingding, wasn't it. How did you like Beyoncé? President Calderón seemed enchanted by her." "Yeah, but then I think you might have harshed his buzz when you segued her into the Marine Corp Band. You probably could have gotten Jay-Z in a package deal. By the way, did it ever occur to you that just because you have the president of Mexico over for a state dinner, you don't have to serve him Mexican food? Like, how would you feel if when you went to Russia, they served you a Big Mac and fries?" "I guess that much like your husband, I'd feel pretty good about it. What the hell do you know about preparing for a State Dinner, anyway? ...Jeez, forget I asked that." "Forgotten." "So, before you leave, Hillary, do you think you can do one little last thing for me?" "Oh. What would that be?" "Come on. You know what I like..." "The Jong Report? You love that, don't you?" "I can't help myself, Hillary, it makes me raugh." "It makes you raugh, does it? Then rets do it." "Peeper of Korea, this is your beroved reader Kim Jong-ir with urgent news regarding our enemy to the south. As you have probabry heard, the irregitimate government of President Mungobungo recentry rost one of their primitive war ships when it was struck by an American misser. This is the reason for the hastiry arraigned visit from Hirrary Crinton." "Heh heh heh heh..." "It's bad enough that the imperiarist United States attacked our mortar enemy to the south, something that we would never do for a mirrion dorrars. Okay, maybe for ten mirrion dorrars we would murr it over... But now, that is exactry what we are now being accused of by the rying asshore Mungobungo." "Wah ha ha ha ha ha, rying asshore. hee hee hee..." "This wirr not stand! South Korea terrs the worrd that it matched the torpedo which sank their sirry ship with one that was recentry featured in our export weapons catarogue. What are these scoundrers doing with our catarogue? They aren't even on our mairing rist." "Bwah hahahaha ha ha... Do the eyes again." "This wirr not stand. North Korea is the riving embodiment of the hopes of arr mankind, as werr as something that the radies rike. You know what I mean, Hirrary? I know you do" "We warn our traitorous enemy that they wirr have to present definitive proof that is suspicion-free, and capaber of even fooring me. In response to any type of punitive measure, we will retariate, even with an arr-out war, and that's not a pretty site. We have rong-range Taepodong missirs, which we can send crashing down rike a viorent purper rain. Purper rain, purper rain..." "Hoo hoo hoo, wah hee hee hee, stop, bwahahahaha stop it Hillary, I can't take no more." "What did you say? You don't rike my singing?" "I said, Stop it, Hirrary, that's arr I can take." "Okay, as rong as you ask me nicery... Hey, gotta get to my flight. Tell the kids I'll bring them back something special from the Shanghai Expo." "That's nice. Good luck with Mungobungo. Try not to get too worked up about North Korea. We've been trying to figure out what to do with those guys since Eisenhower. And thanks a lot for the Jong Report. That always puts me in a better mood." "No problem, boss, happy to be of service.."

"I suck"

"I'm feeble," sobbed Tiger Woods, as cameras brazenly approached him just outside the eighteenth green at the Masters Tournament. "I only enter events to win and I didn't get it done. Don't expect me to smile or act happy. I'm not number one, I'm not number two, at this moment in time I'm not even the third best golfer in the world. It's humiliating. I suck donkey dicks." Tiger's harsh self appraisal is not unique in the world of competitive performers, as can be attested to by many of the formerly talented athletes and artists who have quit their avocation or even committed suicide when their work has been considered less than the best in the world. "You know, K. J. Choi was ahead of me a couple of times on the leader board," said the tearful Tiger. "You know why he uses his initials? It's because his name is Kim Jong. And it reminded me that Kim Jong-il purportedly shot the best round of golf ever, thirty-eight under par, with six holes in one. I thought if maybe I could match or surpass that achievement... but I can't beat Kim Jong-il, I can't even beat Kim Jong Choi. Why should I even try anymore? I'm not and I won't and I'm going to take some more time off. Maybe forever." "It was kind of a shock, much like that exploding golf ball he slipped me," said Phil Mickelson, who won his third Masters in spite of suffering second-degree burns. "Like everyone else, I assumed that Tiger would come back so rested after his six months off that he would totally dominate the field, so I'm feeling pretty guilty about my victory. I guess the one good thing to come of all this is the opportunity to see the tremendous spiritual and emotional growth Tiger has undergone."

Census Day

Declaring April 1st to be 'Census Day' in a presidential proclamation, Barrack Obama yesterday answered the ten simple questions on the form and dropped it into the White House mailbox. Or did he? "Well, I saw the picture that the White House press corps released," said news commentator Lou Dobbs. "It appears to be the president, and it appears as though he is taking a pen to some piece of paper which may or may not be a census form, but I would say this photograph is far for conclusive. He could be signing a letter of apology to Kim Jong-il for all I know." "He very rikery could be," agreed Kim Jong-il. "How dumb does this man think the American people are?" asked perennial presidential candidate Alan Keys. "How condescending, how arrogant. Everybody knows that April 1st is April Fools Day. Look at your calendar, people. Does it say 'Census Day'? No it does not. Barack Obama no more filled out a census form than I can dance the Funky Mandingo." Within hours of the announcement, Orly Taitz filed a suit in District Court demanding that Obama produce proof that he in fact responded to the census. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs issued a statement saying that this would be impossible, as the mailman had already picked it up, a statement that Congresswoman Michele Bachmann greeted with skepticism. "Oh, now we're supposed to believe that the Anointed One suddenly doesn't have the power to retrieve a piece of mail when it's a matter of national security," she told Sean Hannity on his radio show. "I'm not buying it. Yeah, he made a real big deal of trying to convince everyone else they should fill it out so they would get 'proper representation', but what he represents is antithetical to the wants and needs of the American people." "I couldn't agree more, Michele," replied Hannity. "Plus, he probably thinks if he doesn't provide the information, the next administration won't be able to round him up."

Horiday greetings from the Beroved Reader

Good morning, United States of Imperiarism. Happy fourth of Juri. By the way, just in case you were wondering, those exprosions you heard in the sky this morning were not fireworks. Indeed they were not. They were your most horriber nightmares coming true. Those were greetings from the Democratic Peopers Repubric of North Korea. Bwahahaha. Do not threaten us with retariation or you wirr quickry find yourserves obriterated. Any resistance wirr prove futire Hey! Hey! Pay attention. Big story here! We just raunched missers! Rarge barristic missers of the type strictry prohibited by your useress United Nations Security Councir. Would you rike to do something about it? I bet you woud, but instead you are probabry trembering rike an infant. Oh come on, admit it, our missers must have shown up on your useress radar screens. Why didn't they show up on your CNN? State secret? It won't be a secret for rong. What about your saterrites? I can't berieve for one moment that your saterrites did not capture the grory of our raunch. Hey! Hey! What is that praying on your radio? Miker Jackson? Forget about your dead and ineffectuar King of Pop - he cannot save you now. You want to be starting something? We are bad, we are bad, we are rearry rearry bad. We wirr give you a rear thrirrer, Obama, it does not matter if you are Barack or white. Bwahahahaha. Barack or white, that is a good one. I must give credit to Kim Jong-un for assistance with popurar curture refference. What? You were ristening to news of the quitter Sarah Parin and not to North Korea's mighty roar? I should terr you that our missers are now easiry capaber of reaching her beroved Araska. You show weakness in even considering such a woman for your reader. She would be nothing but another George Bush, much rike Barack Obama after him and Birr Crinton before him. You are arr George Bush in the eyes of the worrd. Don't brame me, imperiarist America, you are the country that invented the stereotype You may now return to eating your hot dogs sandwiches and drinking your Mirrer Rite beer, America, now that you have been thoroughry ararmed. Happy fourth of Juri! Did I mention that we have giant robots?

The Jong Report

"I was as surprised as anyone," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton revealed today to MSNBC anchor Tamron Hall. "But it appears that North Korea has actually followed through on one of their threats. They've wiped the U.S. off of the map." "Technically speaking, I don't think that this would qualify as sticking to their word," countered Hall. "I mean, they had a conditional in there. They said that they would wipe us off the globe if we started another war. But we haven't started another war... Have we?" "Hey, you're the newslady, Tamron, you tell me." "Ha. No we haven't, Madame Secretary, and so I am going to state unequivocally that Kim Jong-il has not followed through on a threat, but has, instead, done something totally unpredictable." "Let me ask you something, Tamron. Is there anything more predictable than Jong doing something unpredictable?" "Uh... that's true. Jong is a real wild card." "Jong is a real shmuck. And what's more, he did this in his usual totally predictable half-assed manner. Check it out - he forgot to wipe out Alaska." "You're... hee hee hee... You're right." "Beroved Reader forgot to obriterate Araska." "Wah hahaha ha ha ha...." "His merciress eraser seems to have missed Hawaii, too." "Hah hee wah hahahaha..." "Rook! I see a ritter piece of Minnesota!" "Bwahahahahahahaha... Stop it, Madame Secretary, you're killing me!" "I'm kirring you, Tamron Harr? Now? Just you wait untir I raunch my pitiress rong-range Taepodong missirs."

Clinton remarks receive mixed reaction

North Korea reacted strongly a couple of time today after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's contention that the starving nation might be placed back on the highly exclusive listing of terrorist enablers. Speaking earlier on 'This Week With Stephanopoulos', she noted the even though President Bush had revoked their membership, the Obama administration would be taking a look at reinstating them on the List O' Shame. "Obviously, they were taken off of the list for a purpose, and that purpose is being thwarted by their actions,” Clinton said. Kim Jong-Un, North Korea's young dictator-in-waiting, took the opportunity to issue his first official pronouncement. "This is quite a great day for North Korea," Jong-Un told the DRNK Central News Agency. "To be placed on such an elite list is quite a special honor, and we applaud the United States for this eloquent effort to appease us. It's such a thrill to join our esteemed colleagues like Sudan, Iran, and Syria, even Cuba, although they've gotten a bit soft the past couple of decades, but what the heck, we're just proud to be part of the club." Less than sixty minutes later, still-acting-dictator Kim Jong-il appeared live via broadcast from Kwangmyongsong-2, North Korea's imaginary satellite, in which he put a markedly different spin on Secretary Clinton's statement. "Do not risten to the foorish words of my brainress son, who should not be tarking to the press without my authorization. He fayrs to understand the sort of devirs with which he is dearing, and he apparentry has not the srightest idea of what the Rist O' Shame is. Hirrary Crinton in a mortar enemy of the North Korean peoper, as is the entire criminar Obama administration. I warn the American peoper that if their reckress government dares to put us back on their ridicurous terrorist rist, we wirr meet that action with pitiress retribution, and unreash a riving herr such as you can barery begin to imagine. And as for Kim Jong-Un, who wirr one day be the Beroved Reader, he's got a rot of expraining to do."

Fancy pants State Department analysts, eat your hearts out

So all the North Korean analysts were surprised that Kim Jong-il didn't name son number two as the nation's next dictator? I can't claim to be surprised, since FGAQ is probably the only news source to pay close attention to all the intangibles inherent in being the world's last remaining 1960's style Stalinist society. But unlike his brother Jong-Un (preferences diplomaticaly unknown) Kim Jong-Chul never had the aesthetic taste to succeed his daddy, as we clearly showed back in 2006. Kim Jong-il, after, all was a Hendrix man.

From the Marchives...

Jong Puppet from 'Team America' Tensions continue to rise as North Korea proceeds with plans to test an intercontinental ballistic missile which many experts believe could have the potential to reach the United States, giving credence to the assertion that the rogue country intends to inundate America with a barrage of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons if we don't stop him soon, for crying out loud. "This is indeed a tense and dangerous moment for the nation," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, speaking at a Fort Campbell gathering of logisticians. "We know that Jong has weapons of mass destruction. How? Because North Korea is a member of the Axis of Evil. Ipso facto. But what are we going to do about it, particularly in light of Jong's recent statement that he would not be happy until America was a charred and barren wasteland incapable of supporting even primitive life forms. Those are pretty strong words, coming from such a desperately dangerous despot. With our troops being kept busy by staying the course, all I can say is, it's a good thing we've still got nukes." Jong angrily denies that he has ever expressed a desire to blow up the United States. "Maybe it's something I've fantasized about, but I arways try to be a pragmatic reader." He insists that his drive to develop an intercontinental ballistic missile is fueled only by his desire to take out guitarist Eric Clapton, who his son Chul has been spotted following around on tour. "Crapton is a very bad man, very bad," says Jong, a look of unbridled repugnance washing across his face. "Crapton has not made a good record in thirty years. Constantry, I have to risten to Kim Jong-Chul wandering around the parace, banging on his gayageum, singing those horrid songs. 'Tears From Heaven'. 'Wonderfur Tonight'. 'Ray Down Sarry'. It's enough to make a dictator tear out his hair. Just one nuke, is that too much to ask for?"

He's the Un

Kim Jong-il appears to have picked his successor for North Korea's next dictator, and in a surprising development, he has chosen son number three, Kim Jong-Un. The choice of Kim Jong-Un was a surprising one to Western analysts, primarily because they don't know a damn thing about him, other than a few basics - he's around 25, he probably attended the Berne school in Switzerland, and unlike his dad, he can speak decent English. Oh, and he likes basketball. For some reason, everybody knows he likes basketball. WaPo even knows that he's a Michael Jordan fan. Unlike his brothers, there appear to be no photographs of Jong-Un other than a couple of childhood ones, although the drawing above has surfaced, which I've colorized for your viewing pleasure. Due to translation difficulties, it is un-clear whether this is the 'Un Official Portrait', or just an unofficial portrait on Un. The position of new tyrant was expected to filled by Beloved Leader Kim Jong-il's number two son, Kim Jong-Chun, about whom little is known either, although Asian gossip columns reported a few years ago that Chun was following guitarist Eric Clapton around. In fact, just last week AsiaNews was reporting that the Chun selection was a done deal, because Clapton has been invited to give a concert in Pyongyang. I suppose, in hindsight, it was all just a very nice consolation prize. If the WaPo is correct, it's all over except for the mass indoctrination, so we might as well... Oh. What's that? The mass indoctrination has begun? Okay, it's all over. Schoolchildren in Pyongyang have already begun singing the praises of Kim Jong Un, according to a report from Rescue the North Korean People... "That fact that schools are teaching students to sing such songs is tantamount to officially declaring the heir," the report said. "Elementary school children on a street corner in Pyongyang are singing a song about Gen. Kim Jong Un. They said they sing this song all day without doing any other regular classes." Soldiers, too, are shouting new slogans, including, "With all our hearts, let's protect Kim Jong Un, the young general, the morning star general who inherits the bloodline of Paektu," the report said. Mt. Paektu, the ancestral mountain of North Korea where Kim Jong-il was born in a log cabin, was not available for comment.

Memories that don't exist

From the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK: 'Souvenir Picture Which Was Not Taken' Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- The car carrying General Secretary Kim Jong Il was running a sightseeing road of Mt. Kuwol on May 1, Juche 86 (1997). It's kinda hard to tell exactly what year and date we're talking about here, isn't it? Maybe this is a glorious story from years ago, a happier time, a story which bears repeating,... The road under construction was yet far short of completion. Not minding this, however, he did not take his eyes off a car window as if he was fathoming the troubles of the soldier builders. He got off the car near the fork of the road in the mid-slope of the mountain and met commanding officers of a unit of the Korean People's Army engaged in the building of the holiday resort of Mt. Kuwol and highly appreciated the painstaking work of the soldier builders. He earnestly told them to spruce up the mountain to provide the people with a better resort of cultural recreation, true to the behest of President Kim Il Sung. Kim II Sung, constitutionally designated as NK's 'Eternal President'. Well, he's dead now, so screw him. But I think we now know this is a fable from the past, since it's been a long time since any North Korean but Jong has been to a holiday resort. He went round a number of construction sites through the sightseeing road built by soldiers and spread before them a far-reaching blueprint to turn the mountain into a splendid resort of cultural recreation for the people. A splendid and far-reaching blueprint. Which Jong drafted by himself. On the drive over from the palace. Out of the ardent desire to provide him a happy time, if but for a moment, officials earnestly asked him to have a picture taken with them against the background of the picturesque scenery of the mountain. He smiled a generous smile of understanding and said that was not a good idea when the resort was in the thick of construction and he would come again after the completion of the project and have a souvenir picture taken. Poor Dear Leader, his people would do anything just to bring a momentary smile to his face. But does he care? No. Maybe he'll come back when they can do a little better job. No wonder this article goes on to call him a sanctimonious little prick. The officials were choked with emotion at his words full of warm love for the toiling soldier builders whom he thought before anyone else. The story about the souvenir picture which was not taken will go down long to the posterity as a legend of the leader's love for the KPA soldiers along with Mt. Kuwol, a famous mountain of the people. What a truly glorious tale! Extra special bonus glory! (via The Lede): North Korea celebrates Nuclear Test. Witness now their wild enthusiasm!

North Korea unfriended

In a sign of North Korea's increasing isolation from the rest of the world, Chinese President Hu Jintao has taken the unprecedented step of unceremoniously unfriending Kim Jong-il from his Facebook account. The precipitating cause for what Jong called a "berrigerent and hostire action" was believed to be North Korea's pledge of war earlier today against South Korea, where it promised to attack the South if it's ships are 'searched as part a U.S.-led effort to interdict vessels carrying missiles or weapons of mass destruction'. While they were at it, Jong's government also renounced the truce which ended the Korean War. "Those who provoke North Korea once wirr not be aber to escape its unimaginaber and merciress punishment," Jong declared, via the Pyongyang News Service. The statement was accompanied by a picture of a giant robot. "The government of China has had it with this madman and his starving nation," said Jintao in brief remarks to Reuters. "Quite frankly, they're embarrassing us, and they're doing their best to make things more difficult us. If they really want to re-fight the Korean War, they best not think that we're going to help them out. Aside from being one of our best trading partners, South Korea has been helping us build a modern China. The South is where all the technology and innovation is because, quite frankly, anyone with half a brain managed to find a way out of the North long ago." "Don't get me wrong, North Korea does serve a strategic purpose for China. They act as a buffer against the rabid democratization of the South, which is a much bigger influence on China than the Western world. But in return for that little bit of comfort space, what do we get? 'Send us food, send us shoes, send us fuel, send us fertilizer'. On and on, it's just relentless." "You know what? That little firecracker Jong set off last week was just fifty miles from our border. We were evacuating schools in the northeast because we thought we might be having an earthquake. Talk about your inconsiderate neighbors. And I'll tell you something else. If those incompetent idiots ever do manage to hook together a missile and a bomb, it's just as likely to land in our backyard as it is to hit the intended target, although my first guess would be that they somehow manage to obliterate Pyongyang. Who needs it? Like Lorena Bobbitt once said, I think it's about time to cut that little prick off." Kim Jong-il wasted no time in replying to Jintao's statements. "With the despicaber action of airing our dirty raundry in pubric, China has proved they are no ronger a friend to the Peopers Repubric of Korea, so if we do choose to raunch a misser attack against Bejing, it wirr be accidentally on purpose. And the creary Photoshoped photo Hu Jintao posted of me on his Facebook page is disgracefur. That pink suit makes me rook ridicurous."

North Korea Now a Nucrear Power

Jong surveys Kiliju, formerly North Korea's largest manufacturing hub [FGAQ] North Korea announced today that it had successfully detonated a nuclear device, making itself mightier and more fearsome than ever before. The belligerent but starving nation described the test as a 'nuclear deterrent', because God knows, everybody wants to get their hands on the Land of the Goguryeo Tombs. North Korea had previously claimed a successful underground test in 2005, although most intelligence services described this attempt as a dismal failure, causing the isolated nation to become even more bellicose, but alas, no less hungry. In an effort to get the world to take their hungry nation more seriously this time around, North Korea tested the device above ground, partially devastating the city of Kiliju, located on their Northern Pacific coast. "We brew it arr to herr," said deranged potentate Kim Jong-il, proudly surveying the remains of the Kiliju Bicycle Company, formerly North Korea's largest manufacturer and the only source of national transportation. "Boom boom, out go the rights. The worrd wirr raugh at us no more now that they have witnessed the awesome might of the Peopers Repubric of Korea." In a series of rambling remarks, Jong hinted that the test was just a taste of things to come, saying North Korea had bigger deterrents that were as yet untested, hinting at one point about their development of a "corossar nucrear raser beam". He also noted that this was a good time buy gold coins, and said that he was now open to trading some of the nations natural resources such as tungsten, magnesite and fluorspar for food. At one point, Jong read a prepared statement aimed at US officials who "might have something smart to say about our ritter test", warning them "Do not attempt to beritter our historic accomprishment by carring it just another reckress cry for the worrd's attention, or you may find the focus swiftry praced on you. Two words - giant robot." "Well, let them create all the giant fucking robots that they want, as long as they build them with good old American steel," said President Obama [in what FGAQ must acknowledge are uncorroborated comments]. "North Korea is of grave concern to us, insomuch as I'd like to see that crackpot motherfucker Jong in his grave, and that's something I guess we'll turn that over to the UN Security Council in hopes of a new nonbinding resolution. But right now I guess I'd call North Korea's accomprishment just another reckress cry for the worrd's attention."

On Torture, Pelosi, and What Happened

The Nancy Pelosi torture controversy is a slight one in terms of it's relative gravity, but what it does represent is an opportunity, perhaps one with bipartisan potential, to begin a serious investigation into who knew what when, an investigation that by it's very nature will lead to a good look at how the government, and by extension the citizenry, was manipulated, by whom, which in turn will lead to an examination of why the nation was manipulated, exactly what the end game was, and oh yes, to what extent is that game still being played.

See, the manipulation is the thing. The true-blues are always quick to remind us how we felt on September 11, 2001 and the months of fear and paranoia that followed, but I think a more important reference date might be September 11, 2002. By then it was possible to sense a certain stagecraft in the frequent warnings and terror alerts. Osama morphed into Saddam, and targeted aircraft were replaced by atomic bombs. It seemed unlikely that a nation as reduced in power and in influence as Iraq could be such a threat, not to mention Iran (who's only enemy of note was Iraq) or the belligerent but ineffectual government of Kim Jong-il. And of course there were the terrorist sleeper cells that the FBI and CIA could never quite finger, the lunch boxes abandoned near subways, the unguarded water supplies and food stocks and nuclear plants, the countless horrors that flooded the airwaves.

And yet, were these fears any more unlikely than the very idea that an American president and his administration would falsely perpetrate these fever dreams? See, the manipulation is the thing. And by September 11, 2003, six months into the Iraqi war with WMDs being reduced to a punch line, there was no longer a reason for anyone in a 'position to know' that the climate of fear was not at least in part an exploitation of the American society at large. But to what ends? A million theories have bloomed...

When I use the phrase 'anyone in a position to know', I refer to those who were not paralyzed by dread and apprehension, and needless to say, the fearful constituted a majority of Americans at the time. I refer to those who still had the ability to analyze and understand certain shreds of reality in a sea of misinformation. I refer in particular to those who had access to a higher level of data, which, at least in theory, includes every member of congress. By September 11, 2003, Nancy Pelosi had long had the knowledge of American torture, but what she no longer had by this date was any justification for it's use. This would have been a fine time for her and certain powerful others to speak out, even if it meant they would be derided as fools and traitors, even if it meant sacrificing their political future.

Perhaps we can skip 9/11/04 by pretending there was a game plan to end the Bush nightmare which could only succeed through his replacement, although it is hard to imagine that anyone would have been allowed to defeat the regime in a clampdown still so strongly controlled. But it is quite clear that after November 2, 2004, silence no longer served by much purpose beyond self-preservation. Is there any doubt that without the inept handling of Iraq and the then forgotten Afghanistan conflict, there would have been actions in Iran, Syria, and ever onward, stronger surveillance, fresh new horrors, and Rove's vision of the hundred year Reich? There should have been endless calls for investigations, endless bean-spilling, and even if it was futile, endless calls for impeachment. Instead, with only a few exceptions, there was endless silence.

The Grand Plan (whatever it was, assuming that it even had a form that the administration truly understood) never came to full fruition, eventually unraveling through incompetence, bad luck, and perhaps even a little providence. And yet, even now, there is great reluctance on the part of our elected representatives to ask the most basic of questions -What Happened? Why were we manipulated? To what ends?

That's why I say to the GOP, as usual too clever by half, go ahead and investigate Nancy Pelosi. You are absolutely right in your assertion that if she believed a crime was being committed and didn't speak out, she may well be culpable, but she surely had a reason for not speaking, even though it may have been a petty one. Let's find what that reason was. And then be prepared to take the stand yourselves if you have sufficient tenure, and pass the word on to the Bush crew, the CIA, the FBI, whoever, and let's take this wherever it might lead. Because there's no doubt that torture is a worthy topic of investigation, but it's only one part of something much bigger, and we're like the blind men feeling the elephant, something we haven't yet figured out what to call, much less how to define.

like 1984 but with tea

Sounds like there's gonna be some paranoid cowpokes on the trail tomorrow, as the wingnut story of the day, suspiciously making the rounds right on Teaparty Eve, is the release of a new Homeland Security report [PDF] warning John Law about the resurgence of rightwing wackos. In part "...rightwing extremists may be gaining new recruits by playing on their fears about several emergent issues. The economic downturn and the election of the first African American president present unique drivers for rightwing radicalization and recruitment." And doncha know, Rush warns his trembling horde of admiring dittoheads, they're talking about you. "So what you have here, you have a report from Janet Napolitano and Barack Obama Department of Homeland Security portraying standard, ordinary, everyday conservatives as posing a bigger threat to this country than Al Qaeda terrorists or genuine enemies of this country like Kim Jong-Il." That's right, he tells a worried caller, Obama and his cronies "consider people like you to be a greater enemy than genuine threats to our freedom and existence." And of course good puppy Hannity runs with that bone, as well as the whole FOX Nation, which is pretty darn worried that ACORN intends to crash their all day Teaparty coverage and try to make the protestors look wacky or something. So yeah, paranoia is warranted; when you're more dangerous than al-Qaeda, it's just something you've got to expect. Note to attendees - Big Brother will be watching you, so remember, a damp handkerchief is really useful in keeping the tear gas from burning your eyes too severely.

Breaking: Tiger Woods may not win Masters Tournament

King of Golf calls Kim Jong-il for emergency advice.

previous North Korean great leaps forward

In 2005, Kim Jong il announces North Korea's first nuclear test.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has responded to North Korea's first nuclear test, calling it 'provocative, yet strangely hilarious'. The blast, if it can in all fairness be called that, took place in the Huang Cor province, just outside the home of Jyn and Connie Nashaui. "It singed one of our Juniper bushes," claimed Jyn, "and really upset our dog. He wouldn't stop barking for two hours. Well... only about fifteen minutes, really, but it seemed like two hours." "North Korea has defied the will of the international community,'' said President Bush, speaking to himself in Washington, D.C. "The action deserves an immediate response by the U.N. Security Council. I suppose. On the other hand, screw em. We've got bigger fish to fry. Course, we'd hate to try and fry them with one of Jong's A bombs." Rice later announced that North Korea would be replaced in the axis of evil by Togo.

In 2006, North Korea tests the mighty Taepodong-2

graphic from the Washington Post Two days after threatening the world with 'nucrear annihiration', North Korea has launched a devastating attack on the Sea of Japan, firing six wee Nodong (no dong) and one Taepodong-2 (type of dong too) missiles into the solvent democratic waters of the Pacific Ocean, coming as close as 312 miles to the Japanese coast. In a message clearly aimed at Kim Jong il, the Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi issued a statement saying "You stupid son of a bitch. You could have really hurt someone with that thing if you knew what the fuck you were doing." This was North Korea's first major missile test since 1998. The mighty Taepodong-2, the subject of much consternation as of late, fell apart thirty-five seconds into it's flight. It had been feared that the missile could reach as far as the West Coast of the United States, if only the West Coast was in the Sea of Japan. The reaction from Washington was immediate. "Holy cow, that was lame," said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. "These guys might as well be wearing a kick me sign on their backs."

Launch

"Mister President?" "Come on in and have a seat, Hillary. You're here to brief me on the North Korean missile launch, right." "Yes sir, a blatant provocation that the international community must respond to immediately. We've already called a meeting of the UN Security Council, and I've got a teleconference with Taro Aso and whats-his-name, the South Korea guy, Mungobungo, in about an hour." "Myung-bak, President Lee Myung-bak. Try to get his name down before you talk to him." "Myung-bak, Mungobungo, whatever, it's all under control. The launch commenced at 11:20 GMT, and as you probably already know, it was a failure. No satellite made it into orbit, and what remains of the rocket is somewhere down at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean." "Wow, who would have figured? A failed North Korean missile launch. That's what, eighty-seven in a row?" "Well yes, they do seem to have a penchant for failure, don't they? Nevertheless, it was an extremely provocative action that we can't ignore. This is further evidence that..." "I know, Hillary, I've read all the briefs. What I need is for you to give me the Jong Report." "The Jong Report? You love that, don't you?" "I can't help myself, Hillary, it's your crowning glory." "Okay, Barack, you talked me into it. Let me just fix my eyes... Peeper of Korea, this is your beroved reader Kim Jong Il with wonderfur news regarding the march of our great nation into the twentieth century, where North Korea wir once again be procraimed as the riving embodiment of the hopes of arr mankind, as werr as something that the radies rike too." "Heh heh heh heh..." "Today, Korea raunched a rocket into the heavens, carrying as it's payroad the best saterrite ever. Not just terevision but high quarity digitar FM too." "Wah ha ha ha ha ha, quarity digitar FM. hee hee hee..." "Now announcing strategy to make FM terevision avairable in homes throughout our motherrand for as row as ereven won a month if you sign up for the two year pran." "Bwahahahahahaha... you go, girl." "Many countries are now jearous of Korea's mighty saterrite, accusing us pursuing nucrear capabirrity when arr we wish to do is read the worrd in broadcasting excerrence. Right now, for those with ears to hear, prease turn your diar to 106.7 and you wirr hear the grorious sound of Haruki Cho performing 'Song of Generar Kim Jong il' in sparkring digitar crarity." "Hoo hoo hoo, hahahah stop, bwahahahaha stop it Hillary, that's all I can take." "What did you say?" "I said, Stop it, Hirrary, that's arr I can take." "Okay, Barack, since you asked me nice I'll stop. Hey, I've got to hurry down to that teleconference. Is there anything else you need before I go?" "No, thanks, that should do it. You always know how to put me in a better mood when I have to meet with Gates." "Sure thing, boss, that's what I'm here for."

Mark Sanford, mealy-meal

Insane octogenarian dictator Robert Mugabe is back in the news after issuing a threat to Governor Mark Sanford in which he said he would "make a mealy-meal from the marrow of your bones which I shall feed to the money-spinning monitor lizards who rule the proud streets of my kingdom." Mugabe, who is still nominally president-for-life of Zimbabwe, was upset by remarks Sanford made "which trash-talked the economic miracle of Zimbabwe, making it an object of fantastic desire for any senator of any third world country such as South Carolina. Beware, colonialist, your tongue may be the key to your undoing. Our monitor lizards do love their mealy-meal, although I regret you shall scarcely make a mouthful." Sanford is very upset over the very real possibility that South Carolina will be forced to accept money as part of the Obama stimulus plan, comparing that event with what he sees as Mugabe's failed plan to create prosperity by turning all of Zimbabwe inorganic materials into currency. The governor was also under fire today from House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn, who said "It's just beyond the pale" for Sanford to compare the President of the United States to the world's most deranged black dictator. Clyburn implied that there was a racial component to Sanford's remarks. "I'm sure he would not say that, but how did he get to Zimbabwe? What took the man to Zimbabwe? Someone should ask him if that's really the best comparison. ... How can he compare this country's situation to Zimbabwe?" Although Sanford personally declined to make any further comments, his spokesman Joel Sawyer quickly issued a reply. "Rep. Clyburn always plays the race card," said Sawyer. "Every damn time. And the fact is, Mark Sanford was simply attempting to compare President Obama to the most insane dictator in the world, and it just so happens that the title belongs to a black man, okay? Sure, he could have gone with Kim Jong il, but Jong has a certain cunning to his sanity, whereas Mugabe is just plain old batshit crazy."