 Artist Dennis Hopper had been around forever without ever developing the slightest taint of nostalgia so it's not illogical to believe that he'll live on in digital form far into the future. |
 Meg Whitman has taken a commanding lead in the big money race for the Republican gubernatorial primary, spending her $80 millionth buck before the calendar even hit June. Analysts ascribe this not to her campaign's fundraising ability, but to billionaire former eBay CEO Whitman's willingness to spend whatever it takes to have a shot at her crazy dream. So far, her own contributions to her campaign have been $68 million dollars. "I don't know why, I just want it," says Whitman. "I've been into the whole politics thing since, well, remember when John McCain ran for president? Not the first time, the time when he won. I mean the time he won the Republican nomination. I've been into politics since then. Before that I was really busy at eBay. Anyway, that was when McCain was talking about making me Secretary of the Treasury, and of course that didn't work out, but I've been just crazy about politics ever since. So when they announced that California was going to have a new governor, I was right there with my checkbook in hand. I thought, shoot, I'd be running against Jerry Brown, and he doesn't have any money, so all I'd have to do would be win the primary. Then some rich guy got into the race." That particular rich guy would be Steve Poizner, who made his own personal fortune by putting GPS receivers into cell phones. Poizner has spent about $24 million of his own dollars, but has recently been doubling down, causing Whitman to triple down. "The one thing that I learned at eBay is that everything has a price, and while Mr. Poizner is an extremely wealthy man, I'm an obscenely wealthy woman. If that shyster thinks he can just come here and buy an election, then he's got a thing or two to learn," hisses Whitman. "California is not for sale. The auction is over. The bidding is closed... God, this is so much harder than it was supposed to be." |
 Best selling author Joe McGinniss has filed a restraining order against Sarah Palin, charging the ex-half-governor with harassment and stalking. While saying that there was insufficient evidence to support the stalking charge, the judge agreed with the harassment complaint and has prohibited Palin from coming any closer than fifty feet of the writer. The trouble between the two began recently after McGinnis moved to Wasilla, Alaska to begin work on a new book, and took a six-month lease on the house next door to Palin's. "At first, she seemed delighted to have me as a neighbor," says McGinnis. "She said it really classed up the neighborhood. No doubt. She even welcomed me with a homemade blueberry pie when I first moved in, at least that's what she said it was. But then she found out through her 'extensive research' that the book I was working on was about her and just freaked out, saying that I had no right to write about her from next door. I mean, why the hell else would I move to a redneck Riviera like Wasilla?" McGinnis claims that Palin subsequently began spying on him at all hours, calling in fake orders to Pizza Hut, and taking out his forsythia bushes with her Chevy Suburban. Palin also enlisted her children in the commission of 'pranks'. "I answered the doorbell one morning only to find Piper running away and a flaming bag of dog shit on my front porch. I suppose that one is supposed to stamp out the flaming bag with ones food and in the process get dog shit on their shoe, but I am not susceptible to this sort of trickery. Instead I quenched the fire with my coffee, picked up the bag with tongs, and marched it right over next door to demand an explanation. That's when Sarah Palin pelted me with eggs, and called 911 to report a home invasion. Believe me, the Wasilla police have no idea who Joe McGinness is." But Wasilla Facebook followers would soon know the name, as Palin began posting intimations that she was living next door to a pedophile.
"Threatening with another one of her horrible pies, now that was truly frightening," relays McGinnis. "But referring to my motives as a writer as as less than reputable goes beyond the pale. My interest in her was strictly professional. I had no interest in seeing her in shorts and a tank top, although something a bit more exotic might whet my interest. Just kidding, there. She's a bit too schoolmarmy for my taste. And her little beast of a child, aside from her age, just doesn't have that certain je ne sais quoi." "And one more thing. I doubt very seriously that she's familiar with my other 'scathing pieces of journalism'. I've never been all that much of a scather. Salacious at times, I suppose, but look at the sort of people I write about." |
 There are many disparate pieces that must fit into the structure of the machine known as the bureaucracy: procedures, protocols, regulations, organizational structures, as well as the rituals and beliefs that are sometimes known as the core values. But the most important part of any bureaucracy are the human components known as bureaucrats. And when that bureaucracy is Congress, these cogs can be bigger than life. Meet Terrance W Gainer, Sergeant at Arms and Doorkeeper of the United States Senate, not a man to be trifled with since he is in sole possession of certain specially vested powers. "You can call me the Marshall Dillon of the Senate," quips Gainer. "I worked my way up from the Chicago police department to the U.S. Capitol police, and now here I am, Sergeant of Arms for the Senate, with all the remarkable power that the title endows." "Did you know that I can request the attendance of any absent Senators? How awesome is that? Of course, in actual practice they can just turn down my request, that is if I can get hold of them to begin with, which you usually can't because they just have some aide answering the phone and covering for them. Still, it's a lot of fun and these days I make a show of it, march right up to the podium and request the presence of the esteemed Senator So-and-So. It's a job perk." "I also have the power to arrest any person that violates the Senate rules. Never done it. You've got to have the Senate approve it by a two thirds majority before you can so much as reach for your handcuffs. The last Sergeant at Arms to make an arrest was David S Barry, back in 1926. He arrested two Senators for attending a session drunk. I know what you're thinking, the Senate usually takes a laissez-faire attitude on that sort of thing, but this was back during Prohibition and those guys were setting a bad example." "Now I've got one duty that I do perform all the time - holder of the gavel. I hate it. A grown man standing there holding the danged gavel until the majority leader decides to start the session? Seriously, I think you could bring in an intern who would be more than thrilled to do that." "Funny story. After John McCain lost his presidential bid a couple years ago, I thought it would be a nice gesture if I opened the door for him on the first day he returned, which I did, and everyone applauded. Very nice bureaucracy, the Senate. But the next day, he came into the Capitol and just stood there waiting outside the door. I marched right up to the podium and announced 'John McCain, your attendance is requested'. Hey, I may be collegiate, but I'm not subservient." "Last year, I opened the door for Bono when he came to testify about epidemic disease relief in Africa. I thought, now the kids are going to realize just how hip their old man is, but hey'd never even heard of him. I don't know, maybe if it was Lady Gaga, I'd get a little more respect." |
 Stock for British Petroleum has hit it's lowest price in a year, tumbling from 58 dollars per share before their massive oil spill to just over 42 dollars today. "It serves them right," laughed Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "Ha, I bet that'll knock their earnings per share down to the five dollar level. Yeah, well tough. I'd get kind of a thrill if their profits don't even exceed five billion this quarter. Although I couldn't help but notice that analysts are calling them a good buy right now. But you're not going to see me investing in them, no siree, and not just because it would be a conflict of interest. Well, mostly that, I guess." CEO Tony Hayward is furious about the decline in corporate profitability, but reluctantly admits that there's only one entity to blame - the United State government. "We're preparing a harassment suit right now to get the Feds off our back," says Hayward. "It's simply obscene the way they've treated us. You've got the president of the United States talking about putting a boot heel on our throat and all but calling us incompetent. That's slander. How are we supposed to get any work done with people constantly breathing down our neck? I tend to agree with that Rand Paul chap, Obama's talk against BP is downright un-American." "Give me a break," said Napolitano, "I don't understand why Rand Paul is even a part of this conversation. These bozos are playing for time with their metal hats and their junk shots, and now even their ineffectual giant straw is getting clogged up. I heard their spokesman say today that they were only sucking up a thousand barrels a day now. I've got news for you BP - you suck a whole lot more than that." "See, that's precisely the sort of attitude I was talking about," fumed Hayward. "Bloody outrageous. If I may once again quote Mr Paul, a gentleman who can certainly expect to find his campaign coffer well filled this year, it’s part of this blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be someone’s fault. That's so unfair. Shame on you, Washington, for all your childish finger pointing... I guess the only positive to come out of this is the fact that even though there's a moratorium on deep water drilling, their letting us go ahead with two 'relief wells'. Relief wells, hee hee. I suppose that at the very least, our shareholders will be relieved." "Oooh, I really hate these guys," muttered Napolitano. |
 Protestors are out in full force in New Orleans, Mobile and Pensacola today as the initial impact of the British Petroleum debacle manifests itself on the local coastlines. Many of the most vocal of those attending the street rallies are members the TEA Party who see the crisis as a continuation of the mismanagement and naked power grabs of the Obama Administration. Joe Catalino is one such demonstrator who takes such a position without irony. "Irony? Don't try pulling that irony crap on me," says Catalino. "There's no conflict in protesting Obama and his socialist takeover of the banks and auto companies and health care, and protesting about his refusal to take over BP. It's two sides of the same coin, brother. Over-reaching, under-reaching, what's the difference? You tell me. The people want this done. Yeah, but when does Obama ever listen to the people? I think it's time to light a fire under Congress' ass cause the black peril has arrived here on our shores. And I'm not talking about Obama, either so don't try to make that sound racial." In 1989, during the first Bush administration, Congress passed legislation after the Exxon Valdez spill which dictated that oil companies be responsible for dealing with all aspects of industrial accidents, relegating the Federal role to little more than providing oversight and lending technical expertise. "Bush? Don't start playing that Bush crap on me. Obama always wants to blame everything on Bush. I didn't start paying attention to politics until the TEA Party came along, so I didn't even know he was in office back then. But it does prove the TEA Party point about needing term limits. And for Barack Obama, that limit is going to be two years. Cause in November we're taking our country back." All in all, correcting this minor historical error seemed largely irrelevant. "Now that part about only being able to provide technical expertise, that's bullshit," Catalino continued. "See my sign? That's the real deal, Marx not Stark. Unlike Obama, Karl Marx knew how to kick ass and take names. And that's what we need right now. Maybe Tony Stark is a wealthy industrial engineer who can give brilliant advice, but he's still a tool of Wall Street and the military-industrial complex. Hell, he's got his own corporation, just like BP, so you know he's part of the problem. He puts on that Iron Man suit and just goes out and wrecks everything in his path. It's because just like Obama, he takes the law into his own hands." The immediate problem with Catalino's strategy, aside from the fact that it doesn't take place in a reality-based framework, is the lack of practical expertise and appropriate equipment available to the federal government. "Reality-based framework? Don't give me that reality-based framework crap. You know, it only took Tony Stark a few week to synthesize the Vibranium atom, so don't tell me BP doesn't have the expertise to stop this leak. We just need to nationalize the corporation and force these geniuses to solve the problem or face charges of treason. But Obama won't do that, it's not part of his agenda. But just you wait, in November the true conservatives are going to rise up and we're going to nationalize the oil industry." Point made, Catalino turns to leave, pausing for one last message. "What we really is a president who's not afraid to show some empathy. People down here could use a hug." |
 "Mister President? Barry?" "Come in and take a load off, Hillary. I've been anxious to hear about the preparations for your Asia trip. Can I have them get you something to drink?" "Coffee would be great... As for the trip, everything seems to be on schedule. I'll be in Japan first, meeting with Prime Minister Hatoyama and Foreign Minister Okada, ostensibly to discuss our air base, but I imagine we'll primarily focus on North Korea. Then it's on to China, where they want me to tour their Shanghai Expo. All day Saturday. God I hate those things. Then I meet up with Geithner and the rest of the guys on Sunday for our economic talks. I guess my main role in that will be to try to keep my eyes open. And then on Monday, it's off to South Korea to meet with Mungobungo." "Myung-bak, President Lee Myung-bak. He hates it when you mispronounce his name, Hillary. "Yeah, whatever. I asked him last time if I could just call him Lee, so it's all good now. I'm just worried about what our proper course to take is in shaping a meaningful response to the North Korean aggression." "Just make sure that Myung-bak takes the lead, that's all. It was their boat that the North sank, so they need to decide how much they want to commit, and then we decide what we can support." "Well don't be surprised if you get one of those three in the morning phone calls, Mister President. Nobody's ever been able to figure out what to do with Kim Jong-il. By the way, I wanted to say a couple things about last night's state dinner for President Calderón." "That was some wingding, wasn't it. How did you like Beyoncé? President Calderón seemed enchanted by her." "Yeah, but then I think you might have harshed his buzz when you segued her into the Marine Corp Band. You probably could have gotten Jay-Z in a package deal. By the way, did it ever occur to you that just because you have the president of Mexico over for a state dinner, you don't have to serve him Mexican food? Like, how would you feel if when you went to Russia, they served you a Big Mac and fries?" "I guess that much like your husband, I'd feel pretty good about it. What the hell do you know about preparing for a State Dinner, anyway? ...Jeez, forget I asked that." "Forgotten." "So, before you leave, Hillary, do you think you can do one little last thing for me?" "Oh. What would that be?" "Come on. You know what I like..." "The Jong Report? You love that, don't you?" "I can't help myself, Hillary, it makes me raugh." "Peeper of Korea, this is your beroved reader Kim Jong-ir with urgent news regarding our enemy to the south. As you have probabry heard, the irregitimate government of President Mungobungo recentry rost one of their primitive war ships when it was struck by an American misser. This is the reason for the hastiry arraigned visit from Hirrary Crinton." "Heh heh heh heh..." "It's bad enough that the imperiarist United States attacked our mortar enemy to the south, something that we would never do for a mirrion dorrars. Okay, maybe for ten mirrion dorrars we would murr it over... But now, that is exactry what we are now being accused of by the rying asshore Mungobungo." "Wah ha ha ha ha ha, rying asshore. hee hee hee..." "This wirr not stand! South Korea terrs the worrd that it matched the torpedo which sank their sirry ship with one that was recentry featured in our export weapons catarogue. What are these scoundrers doing with our catarogue? They aren't even on our mairing rist." "Bwah hahahaha ha ha... Do the eyes again." "This wirr not stand. North Korea is the riving embodiment of the hopes of arr mankind, as werr as something that the radies rike. You know what I mean, Hirrary? I know you do" "We warn our traitorous enemy that they wirr have to present definitive proof that is suspicion-free, and capaber of even fooring me. In response to any type of punitive measure, we will retariate, even with an arr-out war, and that's not a pretty site. We have rong-range Taepodong missirs, which we can send crashing down rike a viorent purper rain. Purper rain, purper rain..." "Hoo hoo hoo, wah hee hee hee, stop, bwahahahaha stop it Hillary, I can't take no more." "What did you say? You don't rike my singing?" "I said, Stop it, Hirrary, that's arr I can take." "Okay, as rong as you ask me nicery... Hey, gotta get to my flight. Tell the kids I'll bring them back something special from the Shanghai Expo." "That's nice. Good luck with Mungobungo. Try not to get too worked up about North Korea. We've been trying to figure out what to do with those guys since Eisenhower. And thanks a lot for the Jong Report. That always puts me in a better mood." "No problem, boss, happy to be of service.." |
| On Wednesday, Los Angeles voted to ban official travel to Arizona, as well as cancel most future contracts, a move that will cost the state millions in lost revenue. What's even worse, it left Arizona in such a condition of seething impotent rage that there was little most furious residents could do but shout at the clouds, an additional source of frustration in a state known for it's clear and sunny skies. The anger continued to build until today, when it suddenly dawned on Arizona that it had the power to bring the City of Angels whimpering to it's knees. "Bwahahaha," said Arizona Corporation Commissioner Gary Pierce in a message to L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. "If an economic boycott is truly what you desire, I will be happy to encourage Arizona utilities to renegotiate your power agreements so Los Angeles no longer receives any power from Arizona-based generation." And then, to underline the gravity of the threat, he sinisterly added "I am confident that Arizona’s utilities would be happy to take those electrons off your hands." "You think you might have overplayed your hand a little there, Bud?" Villaraigosa replied. "I mean, really, you would be happy to take those electrons off our hands? I'm surprised you didn't phrase that as 'pesky e-lectrons'. That seems a bit more appropriate for a cartoon state like Arizona." "I'm not kidding," Pierce shot back. "Just because you're bigger than us, don't start thinking you can push us around. If you find that the City Council lacks the strength of its convictions to turn off the lights in Los Angeles and boycott Arizona power, please reconsider the wisdom of attempting to harm Arizona’s economy. We'll cut you. I'm not kidding." "We're shakin'. Weeeere shakin'," Villaraigosa cruelly taunted. "Hey cracker, you think you got the only e-lectrons on the market? Might want to give that a little look-see. Oh, and congratulations on your excellent state economy. Arizona must be sitting pretty if you can afford to lose yet another stream of revenue." "Well, your economy isn't that hot either," Pierce replied on very nice stationary. "But the thing is, people of goodwill can disagree over the merits of the immigration law. A state-wide economic boycott is not a message sent in goodwill. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if we can get this through the legislature - which is a big if, I know - we really might be prepared to take action. Sincerely, Gary." "You misunderstand our gesture, Commissioner," Villaraigosa sniffed haughtily. "Our boycott was indeed a message of goodwill - just not to Arizona, that's all. At any rate, I'm pleased to see that your correspondence is beginning to moderate in tone, so I suppose that it would be just rank cynicism on my part to assume you might have undertaken the meager research required to discover that Southern California Edison, the L.A. Dept of Water and Power and other California utilities have an ownership stake in Palo Verde Nuclear Generating Station (which supplies our e-lectrons) and most of the other major power plants in Arizona. Not to worry, however. We have Absolutely no interest in cutting Arizona's power." "Uh," tweeted Gary, "Fancy a crisp?" |
 Arianna is a WINO. Woman In Name Only that is, because what real woman would so willingly go out of their way to trash a fellow sister? Which she does nearly every day on her trashy, splashy, left-wing blog type thing, the Huffington Post, which she conceitedly named after herself and consists of pretty much nothing but outright lies and propaganda, along with pictures of brain-dead models in their underwear and video that she just steals from that Colbert show. Arianna just slaps all that stuff together and acts like she's done something. It's not even real lame-stream media because, you know, you can't even wrap fish heads in it or watch it on TV. Look at this liebag piece of crapola that Arianna put up on her poopie page today, Facebook friends, doesn't it just make you sick? That is not a good picture of me. There's some guy standing behind me and I can't tell if it's a stalker or Todd or what. And then of course right beside me is a semi-nude brain-dead model who was put there just to embarrass me, like what are you doing in a leather jacket, Sarah, are you too stupid to see how hot it is? Well I'm not stupid, I'm in Alaska, and bikini season isn't until July 23-27. And also the headline isn't true. I did not crash a funeral, I went to pay my respects to Walter Hickel, who was governor of Alaska when I was just a little girl. It's true that Hickel said some unkind things about me when I was Governor (especially the quitin' part which he just could not get), but he was old and senile by that time and he probably had Alzheimer's too, as well as being jealous. So I forgave him and went to his stupid funeral. I didn't tell anybody I was coming though because I didn't want the spotlight to be all about me. I went in through a side door, real stealthily like a mama panther, and stood behind a big fern so I could hear what all the Alaskan 'big wig pols' were saying about me - Tony Knowles, Bill Sheffield, Frank and Lisa Murkowski and Mark Begich, and a few others, probably nobody you've ever heard of. And they were all so jealous that they didn't even mention me until wrinkly old Senator Ted Stevens said "Hey Sarah, whatcha doin' behind that fern?" He's got real good eyesight for a man his age. Todd suggested a wasp (White Alaskan-Sexy Protestant, LOL) but I don't know, because wasps are kinda gender neutral, and I want an animal that you can put the word mama in front of. Some animal that's fierce but still able to suckle it's young (which rules out sharks and most of the reptiles). I researched fierce animals and did you know that a hippopotamus is fierce? I sure didn't. But then they're fat. I liked the idea of a big mama rhino charging at the corrupt Obama administration, but then Todd reminded me of the RINO word and I was like shoot, there's another good animal wasted (except it gave me the idea for that funny Arianna joke). I read that the weasel is the fiercest animal in the world (I even saw a picture of one ripping a man's flesh) but sorry, that's a bad animal to describe yourself as, so pop goes the weasel. But this afternoon Bristol told me that the wolverine is a type of weasel, and I think being a big mama wolverine sounds pretty cool. Still, I don't want Bristol to get a swelled head, so I'm still looking. Oh, one more thing about Arianna. I saw video of her last week on Hannity's show, and she can't even speak English. She's the one they should be making fun of on Saturday Night Live, not me. Oh they have? Good. |
 |
 I'm glad you could come out and take a look at my ministry, Your Excellency, but would you mind taking off your hat? |
 But... But I always wear my hat in church. |
| Yeah, well this is America, and we have this tradition that you're not supposed to overshadow the bride. |
 I suppose there is a certain logic to that, Ricky... It's just that I haven't been to a wedding in a long time. Isn't there usually a man of the cloth involved? |
| Of course, Your Holiness, he's... I mean it's the one with all the flowers on it's head, or head-like appendage. That's Reverend I-Fairy™. |
| The Reverend I-Fairy™, oh my. You don't mean to tell me you would defile the church by having a marriage performed by a gay robot, do you? |
 Of course, Your Excellency, that's just the way it's programmed. But don't worry, this isn't a church, it's a Country Club reception room. |
 Meep... Do you take this man to be your wife, to have and to hold; for better, or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part? Meep. |
 Whatever... |
| Wait, this is all wrong... Reverend I-Fairy™ just asked the bride if she would take the groom to be her wife, and... |
| Oh yeah, I understand your confusion. But see, Your Holiness, the groom isn't a man. |
| You shock me, Mister Warren, and I must condemn your ministry's decision to perform gay marriages. |
| Whoa, whoa, Your Excellency, don't get me wrong. While it may be true that the bride has had sexual reassignment surgery... |
| What? |
| ...we believe that one can never escape from their true gender. So you see, technically it's still a marriage between a man and a woman. Although in this case, it's primarily a marriage of convenience. |
 |
| Oh... Well, no harm, no foul, I suppose... |
 As Carol Burnett memorably said, "comedy is tragedy plus time," so there is no doubt that the day will come when British Petroleum's Gulf debacle will translate into pure comedy gold. John Oliver would be perfect as hapless CEO Tony Hayward, fretting over his job security while sheepishly admitting that BP may have made some minor mistakes. But not to worry, even about the possible tarnishing of the corporate reputation. According to Hayward, British Petroleum (much like Goldman Sachs) will "emerge stronger" from the crisis. "For sure we will fix it, it's simply a matter of time," says Captain Optimism. "Clearly, the sooner the better. But we will fix it, that's certain. We will be judged and I will be judged personally and by the quality of the response. It's inevitable." Oh yes, fix it they shall, and if they shan't, well there's got to be a finite amount of oil down that hole, doesn't there? Seriously, somebody give me a grant to commence working on a screenplay, there are scenes that are screaming out to be birthed on film - the enormous metal 'hat' followed by the tiny metal hat, the golf ball and old tire scenario, and now, the giant straw. Anyone who has seen 'There Will Be Blood' will be intimately familiar with the milkshake drinking prowess of the giant straw, so who can doubt that inserting a six inch diameter, mile long tube into a 21 inch diameter gushing pipe will drink that oil, literally drink it up? I guess I do, although people tell me that I'm cynical. But here's hoping for the best. And, here's hoping that when the movie is made, the protagonist treats Hayward with the simple grace that Daniel Day Lewis showed Paul Dano. |
| I love my ISP, I really do. Because it's free. I guess that's the greatest benefit of living a block away from a McDonalds, being able to ride their free wi-fi from home. That and their pop art beautification of the nighttime sky - it's a splendid sight, watching the moon rise over those golden arches. But what do you do when their server goes down, which is increasingly frequent. It doesn't seem right to complain, plus I'm pretty sure the pimply-faced kid at the counter just doesn't care. |
 "Well, here we are Mister Clegg." "Yes, here we are Mister Cameron, 10 Downing Street, one of the most famous addresses in all of merry olde England." "Right up there with Buckingham Palace. Give the cameras one last wave of unity, if you don't mind, Mister Clegg." "Indeed I will, Mister Cameron, my special Sarah Palin wave, although I doubt the press will get the humor of it all." "No, the press never does, do they? Still, I think it's a hoot. You know, Mister Clegg, it's a good thing that you're left handed and I'm right handed. It give us a nice symmetrical look when we wave to the cameras." "Very aesthetically pleasing, Mister Cameron, although I suppose it means that I'll always have to stand to your left." "An amusing observation, Mister Clegg, and politically spot on. Although another way of looking at it is that I'll always have to stand to your right. At any rate, we're quite balanced." "The very picture of unity, Mister Cameron, and I suppose unity is the name of the game at this point, if you know what I mean." "So sayeth the Queen. Let's go inside and have a drink, Mister Clegg, I'm tired of all this bloody waving." "I'll gladly second that motion, Mister Cameron, my waving arm is dying for a rest." "Neither did I, Mister Cameron, although I suppose that it is plenty big enough for the both of us. Bit of an odd demand from the Queen, don't you think?" "Well, I understand her premise, Mister Clegg, it's part of the whole unity concept. I'm afraid the old girl has gotten a bit fixated on that as of late." "I'd say more than a bit, Mister Cameron, what with telling us to wear matching suits and all that." "Still, Mister Clegg, you must admit that it was generous of her majesty to say that we could select our own neckties." "As long as they were solid colors and nothing too garish. Come on, Mister Cameron, let's check out our new flat. I have an overpowering craving for a tumbler of Glenfiddich single malt." "Oh, so you're a Glenfiddich single malt drinker as well, Mister Clegg? Splendid." |
| Representative Bart Stupak, head of the House Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations - which is currently hearing testimony on the massive Gulf Coast oil disaster - has revealed the probable cause for the spill. "I don't know for sure," said Stupak, "so I'm just making a wild-eyed guess here, just speculating, thinking off the top of my head, maybe blowing smoke here, probably talking out of my ass, but could it be... the blowout preventer?" The WaPo is reporting that a review of the blowout preventer found that it "had a dead battery in its control pod, leaks in its hydraulic system, a 'useless' test version of one of the devices that was supposed to close the flow of oil and a cutting tool that wasn't strong enough to shear through joints that made up 10 percent of the drill pipe." "I'm just a layman, so don't take my word as gospel," Stupak astutely continued, directing his comments to the combined brainpower of the three corporate stooges in charge, "but it sure seems to me that you gentlemen allowed one real piece-of-crap blowout preventer to be attached to this rig. I mean, Jesus Christ, you can't even check out the battery?" Lamar McKay of BP and Steve Newman of Transocean, jointly in charge of maintenance, swiftly swiveled face to face in an attempt to deflect blame, inadvertently poking each other in the eye. Tim Probert of Halliburton used the brief disturbance as an opportunity to check whether he still had Dick Cheney's number on his cell phone. Other testimony cited a startling document committee investigators had uncovered: a Transocean analysis of the blowout preventer that BP had called fail-safe. It revealed that there were 260 different failure-modes that would necessitate it's removal. "How can a device that has 260 failure modes be considered fail-safe?" Stupak asked incredulously. "Oh wait, silly me, I forgot there was a Cheney connection in all this." McKay shouted 'Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk' as Newman bonked himself of the top of the head and Probert hit speed dial. |
| Dear fellow GOP Senators, We will soon begin deliberations on the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court, and it is of the utmost importance that we stand united in our opposition to her. There are many reasons for us to resist her rise to the highest court in the land, but the case was best summarized yesterday by Judson Phillips of Tea Party Nation who writes
Mr Phillips then goes on to emphasize that we should oppose "any nominee who comes through from Obama even if that means for the next two years, we only have eight justices." I believe we all understand the inherent truth in these words. Unfortunately, we cannot speak bluntly to the American people during an election year without suffering cynical accusations of obstructionism from both our Democratic opponents and the liberal mainstream media. Therefore it is important that we get our talking points together so that we may present objections that the average voter can easily understand. Kagan has virtually no paper trail, meaning there are few past writings for us to attack. And almost everything she has written is within an academic context, making it far too boring to read... Just what is she trying to hide? This, however, is not an easy matter. Kagan has virtually no paper trail, meaning there are few past writings for us to attack. In addition, almost everything she has written is framed within an academic context, making it far too boring to read. Just what is she trying to hide? Therefore, I've seen fit to put together an opening list of topics for your use. I am sure that many of you have thoughts of your own, and I look forward to discussing them with you both individually and together as a group. 2. On the other hand, Kagan was unable to hide her 2003 memo blasting the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, which is the law of the land. If this doesn't show an activist slant, I don't know what does. 3. As dean of Harvard Law, Kagan allowed military recruiters on campus when the Solomon Amendment allowed federal funds to be withheld from non-complying universities. One year later, when the law was struck down, she once again banned the recruiters, proving she hates the military. 4. Re: 3, this may also be seen as a clear indication that she has absolutely no regard for national security. 5. Also, re: 3. a flipflopper. 6. Kagan could prove to be every bit as liberal as Justice Stevens, effectively keeping the court in stasis. 'In Stasis' is the key phrase; research show that most Americans react negatively to the phrase, believing it refers to being buried alive. 7. Jim Inhofe opposes her, and most Americans believe he was right about global warming. 8. Kagan would be the first nominee in the past 41 years with no judicial experience. I realize that until recently many of you were advocating the selection of someone outside of the judicial arena, but it need not be seen as a negative if we emphasize that the GOP is the party of flexibility, while the Democrats are the party of rigid thinking. 9.Three women on the Supreme Court? At the same time? What the hell is up with that? White men are quickly becoming a minority. 10. Re: 9. Depending on your state, this may be phrased as 'What does Obama have against black men? Even George Bush nominated a black man. 11. In 1980, when Kagan was only 20 years old, she got drunk on vodka and cried after liberal Democrat Elizabeth Holtzman lost her race for the Senate. Holtzman, as you may recall, went on to write 'The Impeachment of George W. Bush: a practical guide for concerned citizens'. Enough said. 12. Re: 11. We don't need a drunk on the Supreme Court. 13. Also, re:11. Or a crybaby. 14. Kagan has no children. Democrats may site this as a positive since Kagan has never been married, but if you're going to select someone so far out of the traditional experience of American women, why not just choose a man? 15. Maybe she's never been married because, re:14, Kagan is rumored to be a lesbian. Even if this turns out to be nothing but innuendo, she certainly looks like a lesbian, and that should be enough to give us pause. 16. Re: 15. What the hell sort of a haircut is that anyway? Yours in victory 2010, Mitch McConnell
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 A family of illegal Frenchies cross the porous Minnesota border Minnesota may be the next state to adopt an Arizona-style policy on illegal immigration, as their legislature takes up debate on a bill to crack down on the infestation of foreigners. "To educate, medicate and incarcerate illegal immigrants in Minnesota costs somewhere north of $200 million," says Congressman Steve Drazkowski. "And when I say somewhere north it is without irony, because that's where most of them come from. I'm talking about Canada where a lot of folks will do whatever it takes to have a chance at the American dream and move to a milder climate. Well, Minnesotans don't want, need or deserve to be paying for people who the first thing they do when they come to this country is break the law." "It's the Frenchies that cause us the biggest problem," emphasizes Michele Bachmann, mascot of the world-renowned Minnesota Vikings. "Your English speaking Canadians try to assimilate and avoid attracting too much attention to themselves, but the Frenchies come to Minnesota and just go wild - drug running, human trafficking, carjacking, murder and worse. you'll see half a dozen of them crammed into a beat up old Peugot, driving on the wrong side of the road and blasting Celine Dion at top volume. They don't even bother learning our language, just run around babbling 'Où est ma soins de santé gratuits?' Hello, I can't understand you." "A lot of folks justify the presence of the Frenchies by saying that they're willing to take the jobs that ordinary American's don't want - hairdressers, mimes, pastry chefs, that sort of thing, but I say that's nonsense. Well, maybe not nonsense, I'll admit to enjoying a nice prune danish on occasion, but for the good of Minnesota, I'll gladly do without." "I have some quibbles with what Michele said," dissents Governor Tim Pawlenty. "Her heart is in the right place, but I'm afraid her brain is not. We don't really have much of a human trafficking problem in Minnesota - all the whores tend to be local girls. But the drug running is a real problem. Those Frenchies will bring anything across the border, Zoloft, Lipitor, Viagra, you name it, and the prices they charge are ridiculously low. They're quite literally stealing the dollars out of the pocket of America pharmaceutical companies. As for the carjacking, murder, and especially the worse, that's primarily committed by illegals from Haiti and Cuba who sail all the way up the Mississippi River to Minneapolis and St. Paul. They come here for the mayhem but they stay for the weather." |
 A Florida Transportation Security Agent was beaten across the back and arms after a training exercise with a full body scanner led him to reveal that a co-worker was in possession of a small weapon. Rolando 'Tiny' Negrin was charged with with 'aggravated but understandable battery' following the revealing incident which Miami police Captain Joe Barton said "really made my week". According to the police report, the body scan showed that Negrin "had a small penis and his co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis." They just would not stop. Negrin, who is reportedly hung like a hamster, told police that "he could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." Actually, he didn't lose his mind as much as he lost his temper, waiting in the parking lot for co-worker Hugo Osorno. Upon confronting the man, Negrin told him to "Get on your knees or I will kill you and you better apologize," adding "I'm going to blow your head off," a declaration that made the apology pretty much a done deal. Negrin probably would have been unsuccessful in blowing Osorno's head off, as the only weapon he had was a baton, with which he proceeded to beat his taunter, inflicting minor cuts and bruises. Police said that the weapon was "a relatively small baton, but not as small as Negrin's johnson." |
 Okay, so maybe Holy Joe Lieberman does want to revoke the citizenship of any American affiliating with foreign terrorist organizations rather than face up to the fact that there is de facto such a thing as an American terrorist, but I think we need to at least give the guy a few points for consistency. Joe also wants to restrict the second amendment rights of anyone who's on the Terrorist Watch List, and a lot of people who supported his first proposition view his second one as going one step too far. Our latest high profile terrorist, Faisal the Incompetent, bought himself a shiny new handgun during the execution phase of his attempted mayhem and had it with him as he drove towards his aborted getaway. In reality, that gun in his hand was far more dangerous than the bomb in his car. Now to be honest, Faisal wasn't on the watch list when he bought his firearm, but it wouldn't have made any difference because being a suspected terrorist isn't a problem at the gun shop. You might think that no one could possibly have an objection to closing this legal loophole, but I suppose the very fact that you're reading this at FGAQ has already led you to the conclusion that you're sadly mistaken. Yesterday Lieberman's Homeland Security Panel had a hearing on the matter where NYC Mayor Bloomberg and NYPD Commissioner Kelley made the case for preventing terrorism suspects from purchasing guns and explosives. Pro-gun panel members Tom Coburn, Jon Tester, John Ensign, and Maverick McCain refused to attend. An invited spokesman for the Liberty Coalition proclaimed that "the bill should be titled the Gun Owners Are Probably All Terrorists Act." The NRA preemptively originated that bizarre conspiracy meme back in December 2009 in response to the Fort Hood shootings in an epistle that seemingly argues against even having a watch list. To wit: "Politicians who hate the Second Amendment know that some of the good Americans who are erroneously on the list, or who get incorrectly flagged by the list, are gun owners. And, because the FBI won’t reveal its watchlisting criteria, those politicians think that more gun owners can be placed on the list over time, by like-minded bureaucrats making arbitrary determinations about who ought to have guns." Unlike the Maverick, Lindsey Graham at least had the balls to attend the hearing and voice his objections in person. "We're talking about a constitutional right here," said the Senator who isn't the least bit soft on terrorism. "I am all into national security... Please understand that I feel differently not because I care less about terrorism." Lindsey needn't worry. Legislation is given very little chance of ever reaching the Senate floor. |
| British Petroleum has shifted into celebration mode after engineers today successfully capped one of the three leaks that have been spewing thousands of gallons of black gold into the Gulf of Mexico. In a miracle of technology, submersible robots (which don't look anything like what your imagining) managed to attach a specially designed valve over the fault. "Marvelous, just marvelous," said BP spokesman John Curry. "I believe that we've earned a 'jolly good' and a nice pat on the back." Curry admits that the capping does nothing to diminish the flow of over 200,000 gallons of oil that is flooding the Gulf each day, but his enthusiasm is undiminished. "First, and this is a relatively minor matter, I'd like to quibble with you over your choice of words. You see, one does not flood the ocean. That's a bit of a non-sequitur, don't you think? One may add something to the ocean, or one may mix something into it, but flooding, never. But all that aside, this does enable to us to make progress, to winnow down the focus from three leaks to two. And it only took us fifteen days. I'd call that something to crow about." Champagne corks popped and backs were indeed patted in the ritzy executive offices of British Petroleum in London as news of the miraculous fix came gushing in. "Gushing in is a rather poor choice of words, don't you think," quipped BP CEO Tony Hayward. "Still, I'll take your congratulations in the spirit it was offered. Here, have a cigar." Hayward went on to announce an immediate special bonus for all top executives "for the foresight and wisdom they've shown in hiring such splendid engineers." He even intimated that the engineers themselves "might find a little something extra in their pay envelopes, that is, if they can turn this into a triple play." Although the cost has been enormous, and is continuing to mount, Hayward denies being overly concerned. "There's no use in crying over spilt milk, if you'll allow me my small joke. It's not as though we don't have other wells and other oil to sell you. And as a gesture of good will, we're going to let you keep this for absolutely no charge.". |
 "Good morning, Ashad. Why so down in the mouth? You look as though a dog had just devoured your best friend." "Your metaphor is quite apt, Omar, for an entire pack of Capitalist dogs have captured my best friend Faisal and now stand ready to devour him slowly in their laughably corrupt judicial system." "Really? Faisal Shahzad? The nice young man that visited us a few short months ago? Faisal the American?" "He wasn't born an American, Omar. He just immigrated there so he could blow something up." "Or so he said, Ashad. My own belief is that he had a yearning to be in the company of unveiled women." "And you imply that you do not wish for the same thing? But that is irrelevant. The fact is that Faisal intended to return just as soon as he struck a blow at the heart of the infidels. He was already on a plane to Dubai when the Western dogs apprehended him." "Without blowing up anything." "That is technically true, although it is my belief that he struck a mighty blow of fear in the heart of the decadent American people." "A belief which is sadly misplaced, Ashad. I have heard the reports from the American casters of news and far from expressing their fear and trepidation, they are heaping scorn and ridicule on your friend." "This cannot be true!" "But true it is, Ashad. They are calling him inept and amateurish. They say Faisal could not bomb his way out of a paper bag." "That is not only mean, it is surely inaccurate. Faisal's bomb had everything! Gasoline, fireworks, propane tanks, clocks, two big bags of fertilizer..." "Apparently everything but the boom. They call him Faisal the Incompetent and are comparing him to Rube Goldberg. I do not know who that is but I would assume that he was also a failed manufacturer of explosive devices, And judging by the name, a Jew as well." "They compared Faisal to a Jew, Omar? These damnable infidels are even worse than I imagined. Oh how I wish he had succeeded in his righteous mission." "If wishes were camels, we'd all ride in haste. They even made fun of his name, saying that Faisal Shahzad sounded like an entrée at a Greek restaurant." "Now as well as stirring my anger, you have stirred my appetite too. Have you ever eaten at a Greek restaurant, Omar?" "I have not, Ashad, but unlike Faisal, I once blew one up." |
Greetings from Western Pennsylvania, where everyone clings to their guns and religion. And in this particular region, their pasta, pirogies, and polka. Almost everyone here is Slavic or Italian, and even though the Italians have almost total dominance of the area's eateries, they invariably leave a slot for those little potato dumplings in between the spaghetti and ravioli. (My theory is that the Slavs would rather eat than cook, a suspicion born out by their more than ample bottoms).
I went for a long walk this humid morning, from the burrough of Scottdale to the township of Upper Tyrone. Everything looks desolate, old and decayed, even along this main street, unironically named Broadway. When it was built long ago it was undeniably a broad street and hence it's name. A gas station with pre-electronic pumps selling Smoking Jim Cigars. A large, boxy wooden VFW building in need of paint with scarcely a window. (If it didn't need paint it would look out of place.) Many of the depression era houses are built right up to the sidewalk, and I have to step toward the street to avoid a window air-conditioner resting on cinder blocks to protect a window frame too rotted to support it. A Sheetz Service Station, all red and yellow plastic and glass, looks almost futuristic in its ramshackle setting.
Toward the far end of my walk, I pass barren lots which look incapable of growing anything beyond weeds, interspersed with churches, and then a large graveyard, it's population greater than that of the town. A quarter mile past that is another graveyard, this one smaller, older, and more ornate. There is a historical marker out front. This is the final resting place for the 109 workers killed in the bituminous explosion at the Mammoth Mine back in 1891, the biggest disaster of it's kind up to that date in these parts.
In the morning's ultra-conservative Tribune Review (motto: 'Worthy of Western Pennsylvania'), there is the story of another Pennsylvania mine in Centralia. It's not much of a town, only nine people, although it used to have over eleven hundred. But forty-eight years ago, a trash fire ignited an above ground vein of coal and the mine has been burning ever since. Not that it's all gone; this is anthracite, the caviar of coal, and it is only found in this state. The deposits beneath Centralia are believed to be worth at least a billion dollars, but they belong to the government of the town as long as it shall remain in existence. Which should not be long. The remaining nine residents are fighting Pennsylvania's public safety eminent domain claims, and even if they win, most are in their eighties.
This is coal country.
(posting from Leo's Pub in Mount Pleasant, Pennsylvania, where Steve maintains a temporary presence)
Facing for the first time the possibility that he may be outmaneuvered from the right by J.C. Hayworth in Arizona's Republican primary, John McCain has begun exploring the possibility of running as an Independent, a path to success used by his good friend Joe Lieberman as well as the remaining ray of light for Florida Governor Charlie Crist.
“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “You've got to keep in mind that John McCain is the original Independent, if you don't think about that statement too closely, and I'm sure most voters won't. You could even call John a maverick, just not to his face. At least not this week. I don't think. Give me a second and let me check with his press agent... No, Hayworth is still making fun of the maverick label, and John is still assuming he might win, so nix this whole conversation.”
The conversation, although nixed, is significant as a signpost of a new Republican strategic direction – leaving the party.
“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “Currently the radical right politicians who appeal to the teabaggers have caught the imagination of the small number of voters who actually bother to vote in these primaries, particularly in off year elections. It's hard to compete among such a small subset, so some of the wackos like Hayworth and Rubio may actually get in. But the thing is, they'll get in as Republicans, and the Republican brand has pretty much worn out it's welcome. Hold on, I need to take this call... Yeah, John, I did call to ask about the maverick thing. Ed told me... Oh, he's out and it's okay now? Well, welcome back Mr Maverick... Uh huh, I am talking to a reporter, but... just talking straight political theory, John, nothing speific about you... Trial balloon? Okay, can do... All right, later.”
As the Tea Party gains visibility, it is invariably tied to the Republican label, and the prevailing thought among long time party stalwarts is that it may be better to just let them have the damn thing.
“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “The teabaggers had their window of opportunity but they've pretty much squandered their chance to challenge the Republican Party from the right, instead becoming synonymous with it. Yeah, let's just call it the Republican Tea Party, the party of Beck, Limbaugh, and that obnoxious orange guy Boehner. What America wants is fresh ideas from proven leaders who are independent. Not the party of 'yes' or 'no', but a party of 'maybe' and 'I'll get back to ya on that one'. Just kidding you on that last one, John McCain is a man who learns from his mistakes. He knows the nation wants a party of mavericks.”
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"What did I do today? Glad you asked... It was not an uneventful day. I held the door open for President Obama. You know, that's part of my job description, Doorkeeper of the United States Senate, but most people don't understand the scope of that particular duty. I don't open the door for just anybody, just the president and dignities of the highest magnitude. Sometimes these big shots treat you like crap. As you can see in this picture, Obama blocks half my face from the camera. As president, that's his prerogative. But do I have to open the door for Vice President Biden? Hell no, he's president pro tempore of the Senate, so no dice. That's still Senate, and these Senators have to open their own doors, so they can remain in touch with the common man. The Queen of England, the Prime Minister of Russia, whatever, as long as it's included in the Senate Doorman rules of protocol. Although, I must stress, I have my own discretion as an option."
"It makes you raugh, does it? Then rets do it."
