Newt's intellectual firepower

In an effort to stand out from the Republican pack, imaginary president Newt Gingrich spoke to members of the American Enterprise Institute this week, making an intentional effort to hurt the feelings of George W Bush by criticizing his half-assed attempt to rid the planet of malevolence. "I believe he was right but in fact could not operationalize what he said. That is, there was an Axis of Evil, Iran, Iraq, North Korea. Well we’re one out of three," said the pugnacious windbag, ignoring the fact that the U.S. is still bogged down in fighting one of the countries that wasn't even evil enough to make the list. "Why is it that the other two parts of the Axis of Evil are still visibly, cheerfully making nuclear weapons?" he continued, really rubbing it in before delivering the coup de grace. "It’s because we’ve stood at brink, looked over and thought, 'Too big a problem'." Ignoring the gasping crowd and not knowing when to leave well enough alone, Gingrich proceeded to kick the wounded former president while he was down by implicitly contrasting Bush with the most hated of all Democratic Commanders in Chief. "If Franklin Roosevelt had done that in '41, either the Japanese or the Germans would have won. The U.S. has to over-match the problem. That’s what Americans are all about." The only thing left unspoken was the question 'Why does George Bush hate America?" Stung by the criticism but unable to twitter, Bush was forced to respond by telephone but failed when he could not find the phone number for the typist at Politico. Undeterred, he hopped onto his bike and pedaled the eleven miles to the headquarters of the Dallas Morning News, where he gave an exclusive interview to Jimmy Rodriguez, who was manning the night desk. "It was a pretty exciting event for my first week here," reported Rodriguez. "The president was mad, very mad. I didn't get the name of the individual that he was angry with, but it probably wasn't important since Mr Bush said he had been kicked out of office a long time ago, before he was ever president... That is a long time ago. I'm only twenty-two, so I was only in the fifth grade back then. Anyway, apparently the person he was angry with was a nincompoop. Is that a real word?" Reaction was swift from Gingrich's potential 2012 rivals. Mitt Romney told the Boston Globe that the former Speaker's comments were an example of fiscal recklessness, saying that further tax cuts "might be impossible if we're embroiled in a third world war". Mike Huckabee quipped on his weekend FOX News show that "I thought I was as eager for the rapture as anyone running, but I guess I was mistaken". Most damning of all was Sarah Palin's tweet, "And they say I'm the intellectual lightweight of this group. LOL."

mercy

North Korean women's team celebrate the firing of Kim Jong-hun Due to the declining health of Kim Jong-il and the transition of power to his son Kim Jong-un, it's been an anxious period for the North Korean Soccer team that shamed the nation in the 2010 World Cup. It took a few weeks, but justice has finally been dispensed. In a surprise to all concerned, the disgraced players were treated almost mercifully, and the coach remains alive and thus far untortured. "I was very frightened when we were ordered onto the stage at the People's Palace of Culture," said Ri Kwang-Chon. "After all, we had humiliated our Beloved Leader in front of the world, so I was ready to accept my fate. I even made out my will, leaving my small bag of turnips and my extra socks to my brother Kim. The room was packed with government officials, and when I saw the Minister of Sports Pak Myong-choi, I was prepared for the worst. But then who should appear but Pak In-Guk, my favorite sports announcer. I relaxed right away because I knew a man like Pak could never be the instrument of my demise." Instead, In-Guk presided over a six-hour long torrent of verbal humiliation, which concluded with a special roast of hapless Coach Kim Jong-hun. "The insults they hurled were sharp indeed, each one more richly deserved than the previous," claimed Kwang-Chon. "Their criticism was surprisingly devastating considering the fact that I had thought myself to have no more self-esteem to lose. I feel I owe the officials an apology for the way I made them strain their voices. But after only a few hours, they stopped the torment and showed us a curious kindness, asking me and my teammates to castigate our coach. This was an opportunity we seized with relish, for if Kim Jong-hun had been a coach of any merit, we surely would not have been such pathetic worms. I do not have the sharpest of tongues, but I tried to the best of my ability to carve that son of a dog a new asshole." "Things could have been a lot worse," said Jong-hun. "Indeed they should have been, for I am a true slug of a coach. The words of my players hurt, it's true, but it was a cleansing pain that I felt. I probably was not even sufficiently humiliated when they stripped me of my job as coach and the women's soccer team did the Pyongyang Happy Dance. I accepted the shovel for my new job with true gratitude, and asked myself 'Is that all there is?' It is truly a new day. The old Kim Jong-il... he would have kirred me. He would have annihirated me. He would have torn me rimb from rimb. He would... Uh, please, you're not going to report this, are you?"

The mighty platform of Matthew Strawn

"I don't know if you're a basketball fan," begins Iowa GOP party chairman Matthew Strawn, responding to the question of why the state's Republican platform is so darn long. "I know I sure am, and whenever I watch our Hawkeyes play, I invariably spend a lot of time looking at the floor. Cause the floor is where the action is. And when you're looking at it, you can't help but notice that it's made up of a lot of individual planks. Without all those planks, the ball would simply go astray. That's what's happened to the Republican Party in the past, and that's why we made sure that we had all the planks we needed to dribble on to victory." The 12,000 word platform with it's 367 separate planks can be called many things, but it most assuredly cannot be called dashed off. It is so comprehensive that Iowan Republicans who study it sufficiently should have absolutely no need to waste any time coming up with an opinion of their own. And they better study it sufficiently, because the 367th plank is a requirement for GOP candidates to complete a signed questionnaire "indicating whether the candidate agrees, disagrees or is undecided about each plank of the current party platform". "A lot of the planks are just good old fashioned common sense," says Strawn. "Take 2.08 for example - 'We support the definition of manure as a natural fertilizer'. Who's going to disagree with that? And then a lot of them are Republican dogma at this point, such as the planks for abolishing the Agriculture Department, the Department of Education, the Department of Energy, the IRS, OSHA, the Federal Reserve, the congressional retirement fund, Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. But what about plank 4.15, abolishing the Iowa Core Curriculum Education guidelines? Makes you pause and think, doesn't it? I can see where some Republicans of good conscience might disagree with that one, and still think they're qualified to run." "Yes sir, we've really got it all covered in this platform - abortion, taxes, religion, the NAFTA superhighway, ACORN, presidents without birth certificates, you name it, it's in there," brags Strawn. "This platform is so good that it's already spawned a new movement - the Thirteenthers. Maybe you read about them, or I should say us, in Newsweek. Plank 7.19 is calling for the reintroduction and ratification of the 13th amendment. Not the slavery amendment, although that one will have to get a new number. The original 13th amendment goes back to 1810, and was about titles of nobility. It said that anyone who received a formal title or a special honor from a foreign power would lose their American citizenship. So let's say you had this president, one that was already skating on some mighty thin ice, and he was to accept a Nobel Prize, it would be like 'sorry Charlie, hope you like the weather in Oslo'. Not that I'm picking on Obama. The same type of logic would apply to Al Gore or Jimmy Carter." "Good old number thirteen," chuckles Strawn. "It kind of got lost in the shuffle back in the 1800s, cause every time it would near passage by three quarters of the states, they would just add another state... It was an ongoing conspiracy, but the beauty is, it didn't have a time limit, so it's still out there, just waiting for more states to take it up." "You know, we're kind of proud of the fact that Iowa is the first state in the nation to vote, and plank 14.06 says that we intend to keep it that way. Politicians have to spend a lot of time in our state, and in the 2012 primary, we're going to really put their feet to the fire. But that's okay, as long as they agree with the vast majority of our platform, they should do fine. If they don't think manure is natural fertilizer, we'll just mark it down to ignorance, and that's still not a crime here in Iowa."

intelligence failure

A report unearthed by the Wikileaks documents cast doubts on both U.S. And Pakistani intelligence, demonstrating a severe lack of it on both sides. The case involves a warning by American intelligence that Pakistan's ISI (Directorate of Inter-Services Intelligence) launched a plot in 2007 to poison the beer of American forces, as well as any infidel Afghan soldiers foolish enough to imbibe the Devil's brew. "Insidious, yes," said Col Dave Madson, stationed at the time near Kandahar, "and the truth is, we never trusted the ISI any further than we could throw them. But given the fact that Pakistan forbids the export of alcohol and the reality that we have no Forward Operating Bases there, you'd have to say it wasn't a very well thought out plot. They would have had to smuggle the beer onto American bases and then somehow get it inside of our locked storerooms. Heh heh heh, can't you just imagine their spies stopped at a checkpoint with a case of Bud light under their arms? Treacherous bunch of dumbasses." One American who doesn't believe the plot was all that dumb is James Yeager, a U.S. geologist who was advising Afghanistan's Ministry of Mines. Yeager, returned to his quarters in Kabul one evening to find it had been burglarized. The intruder had taken money, but in a show of reciprocity had left behind a bottle of Corona. This being Kabul, the uninvestigated bottle remained on Yeager's table where he treated it like dirt, ignoring it for two weeks because Corona is his least favorite beer. Then came the dreadful night when his alcohol stash ran low. "I pulled it out and when I popped it there was no fizz and the cap was loose," Yeager said. "Because this one didn’t have fizz you wonder if it went rancid or not, and I just kind of sniffed it and I went 'Oh, that doesn’t smell like beer'." Being a geochemist, Yeager decided that the beer did not smell at all like malt and barley, but a lot more like sulfuric acid. Pouring it into a toilet where it foamed and fizzed left "no question" in his mind as to the beer's true nature. "I work internationally a lot and it’s just one of those things... It’s entertaining. You just go on," Yeager laughed, saying he had thought "Who cares, I’m going home." "Ludicrously naive," said General Ahmad Shuja Pasha, director of the ISI. "I'm not just talking about James Yeager, who aside from being a geologist and geochemist is also apparently a rocket scientist. I'm talking about American Intelligence, who allowed the Wikileaks incident to occur, giving valuable information like this away. Not that I intend to poison any Americans, but if I wanted to I now know better than to use a faulty delivery system such as a Corona. Col Madson inadvertently tipped me off to the fact that Bud Light would have been much more effective. Furthermore, I believe this is proof that Americans will view without suspicion any beer that comes into their possession. Heh heh heh, I tell you, what with the rising cost of IEDs, poisoned roadside six-packs would be a cheap alternative. Gullible bunch of dumbasses."

drop me a note if this scares you pants off

"So far you have survived the worst crisis in financial markets since the Great Depression. You have held onto your sizable wealth, which presents us with a tax-planning scenario that only Agatha Christie could have dreamed up: There is a new and possibly significant risk to your continued survival that runs through the end of this year." Oooh, tell me more... "You no doubt heard about the death of New York Yankees boss George Steinbrenner last week, and you may know he died at an opportune time for his heirs. Your own children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews probably learned something that could put you in danger." Okay, that's a great intro, one that has rendered my trousers a mere memory. Trouble is, it doesn't go anywhere. I've had this piece by Kevin Hassett warming my in-box for several days now, and I haven't been able to decide what to do with it. I have as much sympathy as the next guy for the travails of the ultra-rich (damn little), but still, this essay is like I had just written my funniest bit ever, and then had a joke surgeon come in to carefully excise all the punch lines. Perfect set-ups but mysteriously missing payoffs. You've probably figured out where all this is heading - the estate tax is "coming back with a vengeance", and your loved ones now have a strong new self interest in ensuring your quick departure from this mortal coil. Kevin Hassett, economic advisor to George Bush, economic advisor to John McCain, author of the prophetic 'Dow 36,000', and, I assumed, budding humorist, at least until I noticed the conspicuous lack of intentionally funny parts herein. The impending doom is very real. "If you wait to die until 2011, you’re likely to face a tax rate of about 50 percent. That means if your estate is $200 million, your heirs save about $100 million if you, let’s say, conveniently have an accident in the next five months. I see some of you shaking your heads. I know, this may sound far-fetched. But economic studies have shown that monetary incentives influence death rates. Plugs get unplugged, do-not- resuscitate orders are placed. Maybe worse." Maybe worse. Your heirs could pluck out your liver right in front of you, washing it down with a nice Chianti, not even offering you a fucking glass. I don't know, it could happen. Hassett has done the research and it uncovers the startling fact that the wealthy have a 25% greater chance of dying when the estate tax goes up. But there is some hope. "...it’s quite possible that people reach a certain date through the force of their own will to live. This suggests that your own determination to see 2011 might matter more than, say, the possibility that your grandchildren poison you." Yes you can! Survive! But just in case, Hassett offers some practical advice for the fearful feeble. First of all, don't fear your spouse. They get everything anyway, so if they're your only heir, they've got no reason to seek your untimely demise. Unless, of course, they're just not into you and your miserable whining. Everyone else, however, highly suspect, so Kevin offers advice sure to thwart their murderous desires. "Change your will so that if you drop dead this year, the first 50 percent goes to charity. Divide the rest among your heirs. On Jan. 1, have the will revert to its previous conditions. Announce this change to all your heirs, and the problem is solved. Once this change is made, the only entity with an incentive to see you die this year rather than next year is the charity, and it has no way of knowing what you’ve written in your will." There is one group that I have less sympathy for than the troubled ultra-rich, and that would be the greedy heirs of the ultra-rich. So if I may amend Mister Hassett's brilliant treatise, I would suggest that if you are one of the troubled few to be plagued by this looming threat to your hard-earned $200,000,000, you might want to just go ahead and spend a bit of it to hire a hitman to take out those insatiable sonofabitches before they have a chance to draw their knives on you.

true crime

I particularly like the note, which reads in part
"Donot Put No Dry Packs in No Money"

The Jong Report

"Guess who just shot 82 today, Hillary..." "Who shot 82? What? God, I hope you're not talking about the Taliban..." "No, eighty-two on the golf course. That would be me. El Presidente. Or you can call me Tiger." "Tiger Woods would probably commit suicide if he ever shot an 82. You weren't seriously playing golf today, were you?" "Why not? We haven't had a major new crisis since Monday." "No, I mean that it's over a hundred degrees outside, and with the humidity..." "They've got this special enclosed presidential golf cart, with air-conditioning and a mini-bar..." "Oh yeah, Bill used to love that. But when it got this hot, he'd just go along for the ride and drink beer. He'd use a proxy to get out of the cart, and then criticize the poor guy if he made a bad shot." "Heh heh heh... Well, my proxy is Bob Gates. That's how I managed to shoot an 82. Anyway, down to business." "You've got that look in your eye..." "Come on, Hillary, you know what I like." "The Jong Report? Your favorite briefing. I'm afraid I've got some distressing news in this one, Mister President. You may not care for it." "Distressing news? Well, go ahead and give it to me." "As you know, Pyongyang is making threatening noises again as we commence our military drills with South Korea. So the North is saying... let me read this so I get it right. It's kind of strangely nuanced... Okay. 'The army and people will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence the largest-ever nuclear war exercises'." "Yeah, counter with deterrence, I've been thinking about that ever since I first heard it. It's meaningless." "It means something, I'm just not sure what. The thing that puzzled me was their promise of 'retaliatory sacred war'. North Korea talking about sacred war?" "Really. That phrase doesn't even make sense in the context of their culture." "They also said 'The more desperately the US imperialists brandish their nukes and the more zealously their lackeys follow them, the more rapidly the nuclear deterrence will be bolstered up along the orbit of self-defense'." "The usual bullshit. What's the upshot?" "They'll probably shoot a few missiles into the sea, something to try and get our attention. The most interesting thing is that we don't believe this message came from Kim Jong-il." "Really? Why is that?" "Because if it was from Jong, it would have been 'The more desperatry the US imperiarists brandish their nukes and the more zearousry their rackeys forrow them, the more rapidry the nucrear deterrence wirr be borstered up arong the orbit of serf-defense'. Just sayin." "Bwah haha ha ha..." "Jong would have said 'We are becoming increasingry tired of the of the berrigerence of the West and their imperiarists miratary. We would just as soon annihirate you as rook at you. As for the irregitimate government of the South and their craims that we started these tensions by browing up their ritter boat, we have stated crearry in the past that they are rying asshores'." "Hoo hoo hoo, oh I rove it, that rying asshore line gets me every time." "Just don't rove it too much, boss. Remember I said I had some distressing news? Here, take a look at this photo." "What the hell is that? The Oscar for ugliest dictator?" "Not bad... This surfaced a few days ago in Pyongyang. It's a statue of Jong." "Okay... and you're saying the the country is now so poor that they now have to use pewter instead of bronze for their statues? What's the significance?" "The significance is that there is a statue. Jong is still a follower of Confucianism, so he believes that..." "That a statue would symbolize the end of his regime. Damn, I'm glad I picked you for this job, Hillary." "Thank you. This probably means that our intelligence has been spot on, and Jong will be replaced by his third son before the end of summer." "Kim Jong-un." "Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong Eun or Kim Jong-woon or Kim Jung Woon, whatever the hell you want to call him. Don't laugh, he's apparently got a lot of names." "I know, I just like the way you say them." "I think that we can probably conclude that the latest North Korean belligerence is just a way to keep our focus elsewhere while they negotiate the transfer of power... But I'm afraid the bad news is that Jong-un has no accent." "No accent?" "Not a funny one, at any rate. He went to school in Switzerland and speaks pretty good English, German and French." "Aww... Chirac and Merkel are going to be disappointed. The Jong Report just isn't going to be the same." "Don't give up. There's an awful lot we don't know about him yet. Like, reportedly he's pretty overweight..." "Uh Huh. That's a good look to have in a starving country." "...and he's a heavy drinker who refuses to admit mistakes..." "Sounds like an ex-president I know." "...and akin to Beroved Reader before him, the radies rike him." "Heh... Thanks, Hillary. I guess we'll still have the memories." "Any time, boss. That's what I'm here for."

because it amused me

The Wall Street Journal has a profile on the return of Ted Haggard, the mega-church minister laid low by crystal meth and gay hookers. You'll be happy to know that he's got himself back together and is now a regular guy, and he has a new church. He's also become very pithy. A couple of quick quotes for you On accepting much more guilt than was absolutely necessary for his naughty adventures: "I over-repented." On changes experienced since becoming a regular guy: "I cuss now." On how people trust him more now that he's a regular guy: "It's amazing. People tell me everything. That never happened when we were respectable." As Tonto would say, "What do you mean we, kemosabe?"

the Bachmann agenda

Michele Bachmann, Queen of the House TEA Party caucus, has taken a swipe at Minority Leader John Boehner's "pathetic little agenda" which she likened to a schooner of warm piss. "It's sad to see such a total lack of boldness and real ideas in a man who imagines himself in the role of Speaker of the House. He wants to roll back health care, but he knows that can't happen before 2012. What we can do is completely defund it so it just sits there piteously as a monument to Obama's broken promises. Keep taxes low? I don't think so. Get rid of taxes all together, that's what a real constitutional conservative would say. Where in the Constitution does it say the government has a right to tax your income? Don't give me that 16th amendment crap, that wasn't put in till 1913, it's not what the framers wanted. They were all deceased. Repeal it. Am I being bold? You bet I am. Let's see, what else was on our leader's agenda. Block cap-and-trade? It's dead, bonehead, so you've got nothing to do but tan. When I get to be Speaker, you're going to see some real action." Aside from repealing the 16th amendment, there are a number of others on her chopping block: the 14th ("It's been thoroughly exploited by illegal immigrants"), the 18th ("God, prohibition was repealed by the 21st, what's it still doing in there? Leave it to a woman to have to do all the housekeeping"), the 19th ("The framers didn't care if I could vote or not. That's a State rights issue."), the 22nd ("If it wasn't for that one, Bush would still be President and we would have avoided all this Obama mess."), and the 25th ("I just don't like it.") High on Bachmann's to-do list is returning the economy back to the corporations where it rightfully belongs. "Before Obama, the private economy was 100 percent held in private hands, while today 65 percent of the economy is now held in government's hands. That's an increase of 65 percent. No, wait a second, I've got my numerator mixed up with my denominator. Zero percent was held by the government and now it's 65, so that's like an increase of 6500 percent." Her main agenda item for the next two years, however, is to get payback by endlessly subpoenaing the Obama administration. "Oh, I think that's all we should do," Bachmann explains. "I think that all we should do is issue subpoenas and have one hearing after another. And expose all the nonsense that is gone on. People want to hear the sound of gears locking, so it's very important that when we come back after the election that we have constitutional conservative leadership because the American people's patience is about as big as this hand grenade, and they're about to pull the pin. So we have to make sure that we do what the people want us to do or they'll kill us."

the inanity of dope

You can read the enthusiasm on his besotted face, can't you? He senses that his long dreamed plan of becoming Speaker of the House may be on the verge of coming true, and so after twenty years in Congress, it's time to part the curtain a little so we can catch a glimpse of the butterfly John Boehner will soon become. Because he will be Speaker, won't he? Surely no young gun would attempt to challenge him on his own turf. After all, Boehner wants you to know via his gift for sheer redundancy that he is a genuine legislator in a castle of pretenders. "There’s very little deliberation, there’s very little, very few legislators among the 435 members. And I really think that members are being short-changed. I came out of the Ohio Legislature, a place where it was a legislature and you were taught and you learned how to become a legislator. And I think that we need legislators in the U.S. Capitol." I just got a tingle up my leg. Much as John Henry was a steel driving man, John Boehner is a legislating man, and that's something that always gets people excited. By the way, Weepy, nice shout out to your colleagues, a majority of whom would have to, you know, vote for you. But maybe you could pick up some of that TEA party energy, notwithstanding the fact that some of them are "anarchists who want to kill all of us in public office." No, maybe not, although that does bring up an interesting point. If you really think that some of these people are murder bent radicals, just what the heck were you doing try ing to rile them up during the health care end game? Just a case of dangerously bad judgment? Well, let's cut to the chase and ask what the first three things a Speaker Boehner would do. Number one, of course, is really an undo - repeal health care. Now seeing as how you're such a unadulterated legislator, it's possible that it could have occurred to you that even under the most hopeful GOP outcome, there is no way that both the House and Senate are going to have the two-thirds majority needed to overcome a presidential veto, so either the Ohio Legislature didn't contribute to your knowledge of math, or you're promising an exercise in futility. Or, perhaps, you're promising to do nothing for at least two years. Number two is blocking any attempt to pass cap-and-trade, which in this case isn't even an undo, it's preventing something from being done. And truth be told, even if you don't get to be Speaker, unless the GOP actually loses seats, it's going to be something you do irregardless, so moot point. Number three I really like - keep taxes low. So I guess this is a tacit admission that taxes are already low, a position that probably is a bit out of step with the talking points of your party. Not exactly lofty goals, but as you explained in your always stirring rhetoric, "You can't succeed, no professional football team succeeds at throwing Hail Mary passes on every play."

Steele barricade

Following accusations by the treasurer of the Republican National Committee that he had intentionally hidden seven million dollars worth of debt in order to present his fundraising prowess in a more positive light, Chairman Michael Steele has barricaded himself in his office at RNC headquarters, and plans to stay in there "until I give myself some answers". According to his secretary Judy Walspenski, Steele has been locked in there "all afternoon", a clear violation of his own open door policy. The cooked books were first reported by the conservative Washington Times. The paper, founded and financed by Unification Church founder Sun Myung Moon, has never turned a profit since it's beginning in 1982. According to Steele, this has given them "an unhealthy interest in other people's money, and an unhealthy interest in sticking their nose in my business." Editor-in-Chief Sam Dealey admits that he has long had a strong distaste for Steele, dating back to the day "he came in here and started blathering about hip-hop Republicans." He also notes that "we'll stick our nose in his goddamn business anytime we feel like it, and we feel like it with great regularity. Frankly, it makes us look more balanced if we occasionally slam a Republican, but really, with Steele we do it just to see the look on his face." The revelation cast serious doubt upon Steele's claim that the RNC was debt-free primarily because of 'efficiencies' that he introduced, and opens them up to the possibility of millions of dollars of fines from the Federal Election Committee. Informed of this, Steele reportedly said "Uh...". Steele bravely tried to get out in front of the controversy earlier today, releasing a statement blasting the Financial Reform Bill. "Cast from the same mold as the failed stimulus bill and the 2.5 trillion dollar government takeover of healthcare," his statement read in part, "President Obama’s latest foray into government control of the private economy unnecessarily punishes Main Street and fails to address the root causes of the kind of crisis it was designed to prevent in the first place. See what I'm talking about? I know Glenn Beck does. No coincidence that these two things go down at the same time. Obama owes us an apology. And seven million dollars." "This is one of the last straws," said Treasurer Randy Pullen, as he tried to trip the lock on Steele's door with an RNC Visa card. "My patience does have it's limits. Hey Michael, I've got some Heinekens out here... He never has any snacks in his office. Never. Nothing but coffee, and that's de-caf. He's going to get hungry sometime... I've got pizza from Giovani's. Double pepperoni... Well, I've got a back up plan. I just put in a call in to Chef Henri from Dominique's, and if Steele doesn't open the door by eight, we're going to sauté some soft shell crabs right here in the hall, put on the new Big Boi CD, and when Steele comes out, we're going to question him like nobody's business." "Hey, man," said the muffled voice from behind the door, "How bout giving a brother a break?"

music to get Michael Steele to open his door by

from Sarah's Facebook: I'm frustigated!

I really am frustigated at the moment, and yes I know, that's a made up word. It's a combination of flabbergasted and frustrated and it expresses the way I feel about the way the doggone media covers me, which is like every move I make and every word I say. They'll even cover this, in spite of the fact that it's meant only for my Facebook friends. So it's about the 'refudiate' thing, which pretty much everybody in the entire lamestream media took the time to make fun of. Even here on my network. Come on you guys, I heard it, and Steve Doocey don't you dare ask me if I'll be on the air with you because you are a goofball. You know, everybody thought it was pretty clever when I made up that lamestream media word so I guess it's pick on Sarah time, which is almost all the time. The thing nobody reported is that this was not the first time I've ever used the word refudiate, so I think there's some political gamesmanship going on here. The first time I used it was July 13th on the Sean Hannity show. That's a link, go on and click it. Wait. This is a link. Go on and click it. See? I accidentally said refudiate instead of repudiate and Sean just sits there like a bump on a log. I would have laughed if the hat had been on the other head, but I think that Sean is either too much in awe of me or maybe just too dumb. So anyway, over the weekend my best friend Debbie was helping me out with my email which she does for free plus she's really smart and she says 'Sarah, you've got mail from Noam Chomsky'. I just looked her in the eye and said 'Stop it, Debbie, I'm the one who makes up words around here' and she says 'Noam Chomsky is a writer and famous linguist' and I said 'Debbie!' cause I thought she was saying something dirty and she says 'a linguist is someone who knows all about words'. See, I told you she was really smart. So I told her, 'well don't just sit there like Sean Hannity or something, read it to me' and she gives me one of her looks because she thinks Sean is kind of creepy. I guess we all do. Well, she reads it to me and it just says 'Dear Ms Palin, refudiate is not an actual word'. And I'm like 'That was really rude', cause I was thinking if he's such a big shot famous linguist maybe he wanted to borrow the word from me, and so I'm just a teensy bit mad and I ask her 'So how did this Chomsky character get my private email anyway? and of course Debbie has an answer, 'Maybe since he knows so much about words he was able to just figure it out on his own'. 'Huh', I said, because I don't know, maybe she was right. 'Well', I asked her, 'then why did he have to be so rude?', and she says 'Sarah, not only is Chomsky a famous linguist, he's also a famous anarchist, and you used to be part of the government'. I had to think about that one for a moment because I always get anarchist and Anti-Christ mixed up, but then I remembered that when Steve Schmidt was assisting me in thinking of things to call Obama we took a look at anarchist and rejected it because it means someone who thinks that the government sucks. And that sure as heck wasn't Obama, he loves the government and just wants more of it. The more I thought about it the more I realized that anarchists are like the Tea Party, because not only do they all think the government sucks, they think we'd be better off without it. So maybe Noam Chomsky was a Tea Partier and that's why he emailed me. 'Debbie', I said, putting two and two together, 'if this guy is a writer maybe he's written something about me. Can you Google him and see what you can find?' Now I don't want anybody to think that I can't do my own Googles because I can. But, you know, when you Google something with your own name in it you get millions and millions of hits. At least I do, and like I said Debbie is really smart and before I could even finish that though she had something. 'Only one hit' she says, so I play along with her little joke and say 'Okay, Debbie, just tell me what that one hit says'. She is such a kidder. 'It's from an interview back in 2008', she tells me, 'and it says... okay, they ask him what he thinks of you and he says that he read that your hairdresser got twice as much money as McCain's foreign policy advise. And the he says that might be true because your hairdresser was probably twice as important to the campaign as McCain's foreign policy adviser'. God, no wonder Chomsky is a famous linguist. He really was smart, maybe even as smart as Debbie. My hairdresser was way more important than McCain's old adviser, and that old coot never listened to anyone anyway. At least my hairdresser knew what the heck she was doing, and I listened to her every word. 'Debbie', I said, 'I think I've got a secret Santa'. So that's why I tweeted my new word again on Monday, cause Noam Chomsky had recognized it's uniqueness. And then to send a coded message back to him, like I hear you loud and clear, I tweeted the message that the lamestream media has been making so much fun of - "Refudiate," "misunderestimate," "wee-wee'd up." English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it! Like I said, I'm frustigated, because just like I thought the bloggers and comedians were all over that, like it was some kind of joke. But it's true, I am like Shakespeare, except for the part of being a female politician who lives in Alaska in the present, instead of being a male writer who lives in England hundreds of years ago. But none of that matters because the experts know the real truth. I got another email from Noam Chomsky today and it said "Ms Palin, regarding your tweet: 'Misunderestimate' is a malapropism voiced by George W Bush. 'Wee-wee'd up' I believe to be an utterance by one of your children, perhaps Branch or Pinecone. An exhaustive search of Shakespeare finds no usage of the word 'refudiate', so I believe it to be uniquely your own." I certainly can't fault a stranger like Mr Chomsky for not knowing the proper names of my children, although he did come close. And he can't fault me for not knowing the meaning of malapropism, especially when Debbie hasn't been here all day. But I do feel that we've had a real meeting of the minds, and for that I'm grateful. When Debbie does finally get her, I'm going to have her track him down so I can give him a personal call. I really could use a new speechwriter.

dominance lost

According to a shocking new report from the International Energy Agency, the United States is no longer the world's biggest energy consumer, losing the title to China after more than a century of dominance. China jumped to an impressive lead after upping consumption to 2252 million tons of oil equivalents annually, while the U.S. was barely treading water with 2170 million tons. The Obama administration tried to put a calm face on the startling news, with White House spokesman Robert Gibbs pointing out that the U.S. is still number one in oil consumption, while China is "using primarily coal. Dirty grimy coal. Which is mined by children. And sometimes the mines cave in on them." The Republicans, however, were not buying into the bravado. "Energy efficiency and conservation, that's what this president says he wants," grim-faced House Minority Leader Boehner told FOX News. "What I think is really on the Obama agenda is an end to American exceptionalism. My God, this is a record that stretches back to the early 1900s, a record that even Jimmy Carter was unable to diminish." "Another demoralizing uncomplishment by the Obama regime," tweeted renowned energy policy expert Sarah Palin. "#2 and not trying harder, are ya?" However the politics of this story plays out, there is enough blame to be shared by both parties. The decline is seen as part of a sad legacy which began during the Bush years, when in 2007 China overtook the U.S. as the leading producer of carbon dioxide and other emissions.

Deakin loses debate

Jim Deakin, co-conspirator in the plot to deny John McCain his rightful due, was pummeled by the cranky old senator in Friday night's Republican primary debate. J.D. Hayworth, McCain's leading challenger was not involved in the scuffle, bud didn't lift a finger to help even though Deakin audibly hollered 'uncle'. "I was busy looking down at my notes at the time," explained Hayworth. "It didn't strike me as unusual that Deakin would refer to McCain in a familial way considering his advanced age. I myself refer to John as Grampa, but then again I'm younger than Deakin. And a world younger than John McCain." McCain seemed irritable from the start of the debate, when Deakin answered the first question, 'which of you is the most conservative', before he had the chance to respond. The audio picked up the sound of McCain muttering 'whippersnapper'. The senator visibly reddened when Deakin claimed that he was the most conservative because he was a small business man. "You're not that small," McCain cleverly shot back in his reply, before going on to explain that he was the most conservative because he had endorsements from eleven sheriffs. The animosity continued to grow when Deakin responded to a question on limited government by stating that government had grown by twelve times during McCain's time in office and 400 times during Hayworth's. While Hayworth seemed amused by the sheer ridiculousness of the 400 assessment, McCain grew redder and could be seen mouthing the words 'nine and a half' in his mathematically impaired challenger's direction. The boiling point came when the topic turned to immigration and Deakin replied that "We need to have a conversation about the difference between immigration which is covered by the laws of immigration and naturalization and migration," a response that caused McCain to approach from behind and coldcock him, effectively ending Deakin's participation in the debate. "Naturalization and immigration, my ass," fumed the senator, as he lurked over the dazed Deakin. "What the hell sort of a dumb answer is that? Who is this idiot and why is a man of my stature force to share a podium with him? The man's never held an office in his life and he wants my job? He's never even been the goddamn dogcatcher." Deakin was treated and released after a couple hours, saying that in many ways the attack was a blessing, since he had been "Just about out of answers".

The Breakfast Club, The Prequel

...and that's why I think the financial reform bill is ill-conceived. I think it is going to make credit harder for the American people to get. That's the reason I think it ought to be repealed...

Hear, hear!

Where, where? Oh... Sorry Mister Blankfein, for a moment there I thought we were under attack... Of course we are under attack by an administration hell bent on overturning everything that makes our country unique. House Democrats gave President Obama every dollar, every tax hike, every 'stimulus' program, and every government takeover he asked for...

Of course it could be argued that an effective Minority Leader might have been able to prevent that. Maybe what we need is some new blood... some 'Young Guns', available September 14th.

Now some might say to me, hold on, Boehner, the bill just passed, although the meager 60-39 margin is proof positive that this is not legislation the American people want. So the time to fight for repeal is now, and I'm proud to be a quick draw.

A young gun can beat a quick draw any day of the week, old man.

Ah, the impetuousness of youth... But I don't know about calling yourself a young gun, Eric. Aren't you approaching the big five-oh?

I'm only 47. As of June.

I suppose that might be relevant if we were talking about dog years. At any rate, as I was saying, the wrong sort of financial reform will have the effect of making Woof woof! Woof! Woof woof woof!

Whoa! Did you make him do that, Mister Blankfein?

Indeed I did, young Eric. I just stick my hand up his ass where the control panel is planted and work him like a puppet. Watch this.

The market needs to be unfettered so great corporations like Goldman Sachs can grow and prosper. I love Goldman Sachs. Buy their stock, America, so we can lift them even higher.

Wow! He didn't even move his lips. Do you think I could try that?

Indeed you may, young Eric. Here, have a go at it.

Folks, I want to tell you about a great new book available September 17. It's 'Young Guns' by my young hero Eric Cantor. It's a blueprint for for the nation, fresh new ideas on how to restore America, not stale old ideas like the ones that fall out of my mouth.

Oh... Excellent.

Hey, Lloyd. What's up? You guys got your hands up Boehner's ass?

Indeed we do, Mister Hayward. Do you have any special requests?

Maybe a few kind words for BP. And do you know that teapot song? I'm rather partial to that.

BP is beyond petroleum, it's more than just a slogan. They make the day a little better.. I'm a little teapot short and stout, lift me up and pour me out... Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another one.

Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico!

I seem to have lost my train of thought, but I guess it's okay... Everybody's cheering...

I've got to say that was pretty fantastic, Mister Blankfein. Still, I've got to wonder - isn't that extremely painful?

Keep striving for that leadership position, young Eric, and I'm sure you'll find out soon enough.

The No Torque Tool

I'm posting this picture from a piece in the Wall Street Journal without alteration because I have no clue as to what it signifies. The article itself is about the testing of the new BP oil cap, and the photo is not referenced. According to the caption, it is a still from the all too familiar ROV video feed at the Deepwater Horizon leak site taken during diagnostic choke inspection. It is further identified as 'a device on the leaking oil pipe'. What is this primitive looking device? It's clearly labeled as a 'no torque tool', so it's a good bet that it has some function related to stopping the oil from spewing, but why is it labeled? Unless BP's robots are a lot smarter than their executives they're not reading it, so the writing has to be there for the engineers who are watching the robot cam. Are these the sort of experts who are going to forget what their no torque tool looks like? Or do they obsessively label everything? Is this company policy? What about that warning on the left, the one that says 'MAN IP OPERɮɠ˦ж ONLY'? They clearly didn't have sufficient space to write out the entire warning, so how can we be certain that it will be heeded? And one more question, although this mysterious photo gives rise to many more... Are their engineers prone to forgetting which way 'Close' is? I thought clockwise was pretty universal. Jeez, I just hope someone on the operation has a good clicker so they can make sure BP doesn't give the no torque tool more than 18 3/4 turns.

from Sarah's Facebook

Why do you even read that thing if it makes you so mad, Todd asks me. Well duh. I read the Huffington Post because it makes me mad, and when I get mad I get my best ideas, just like a big mama brainiac... No, that doesn't work either. For two months now I've been trying to think of some new name to replace 'big mama grizzly' and I still haven't come up with anything. Anyway it's kind of intellectually challenging for me to read something that has everything twisted the wrong way, and I'm trying to show America the thinking side of Sarah. Everybody says I should do that. Newt told me once that a lot of Rush's ratings actually come from liberals who listen so they'll know what to hate. He said I should try the same thing. I told him I already listen to Rush, and he said no, you should listen to somebody that you don't agree with. But liberals don't have any radio shows. LOL. I think the FCC made a rule against them back when Reagan was president. LOL But there are plenty of liberals on television, although you do have to use both your eyes and your ears. Well, no you don't. You could just use your ears, but I can't, I hear them talking and they start talking about a funny video or something and there you go, I find myself watching like nobody's business. So anyway I tried a couple. I watched Keith Olbermann and thought he was pretty funny. Liberals are so stupid that a lot of them think he's for real, but he's just doing a comedy show like Steve Colbert, who once asked me to be on his television show a long time ago before I was as famous as I am now and I said I'll think about it, and then all of a sudden I was on the campaign trail and now I can be on any TV show I want. Oh, and I tried Rachel Maddow too - boring. And that Hardball show, which was frustrating, cause one minute I'd be hating on Chris Mathews and then the next he'd say something that agreed with me. No intellectual consistency. Plus everybody was always yelling. So that's why I read the Huffington Post. Because it's consistently liberal through and through and also has a Style section. I think that Arianna is just like Rush except she lies and he smokes cigars which personally I think is worse than lying. Also too, the Huffington Post prints everything about me, and sometimes I learn something new. Like today. Look. They're trying to make it look like I'm a member of the NAACP. What a lie. That's just the way they are, lie lie lie!!! And who's that guy waving at me? Is there a congressman named :Enemy? Let's see, la dee dah, oh what's this, Bristol Palin and Levi get engaged and neglect to tell me about it. Well let me tell you something Arianna Huff-and-puff, Bristol doesn't need to tell me because a mother always knows, just like a big mama elephant... No, that doesn't work either. An elephant never forgets, but they don't always know. I don't think. Anyway, I always knew that Bristol would get back together with Ricky Hollywood because that's just the way she is. Stupid. Thick as a brick. An ignoramus. The sort of idiot girl who would show up preggers right when her mother is getting the break of a lifetime. The sort of cruel and dim-witted girl who would give an exclusive to Us magazine before she even tells her own mother, and say that she would already be married and living happily in a one bedroom apartment if her mother hadn't had the gall to run for president. A big mama ingrate. LOL. That one works. I mean for Bristol, not for me. LOL. Well I hope little miss prissy-pants at least had enough brains to get paid, cause you know girl, Levi isn't going to be rolling in that pin-up money forever.

No, you're not Sparticus

Probably by now you've heard some of Michele Bachmann's latest claptrap, since this is the sort of sound bite practically invented for today's superficial media. Seems that we've become a 'nation of slaves', a depressing notion, but with the way things have been going, hardly a surprising one. Bachmann was the keynote speaker for the Western Conservative Summit*, a three day leadership event in Denver, and need I mention that the crowd went wild as she told them of her plan for dismantling the slave ship board by board. There doesn't appear to be a transcript, so I'll never know for sure whether or not she shouted 'let my people go'. I do know that death panels reemerged (they never really went away) with an even more ominous agenda - this time sparing only those who are of sufficient value to the Treasury Department. Really? Really. "It is about being useful not to you, not to others, but to the United States Treasury," Bachmann told the crowd of paranoiac zealots. "How useful are you to the United States Treasury? These people are serious. It makes Kevorkian look like Mary Poppins." That's funny. They do have a marked similarity of appearance, and they both believed that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Bachmann did something else that was fairly remarkable, lay out her dream agenda (and by extension, the agenda of all good conservatives) in as concise and straightforward a manner as I've heard it done. You might want to print this out to show to friends and acquaintances who are too disenchanted to vote this cycle. "We reform social security, then we reform Medicare, then we pare back welfare to the truly needy, for the truly disabled, because, yes, we can make that determination**. No welfare for those who violate America’s borders. Close and secure American boarders, cut the budget, limit our foreign entanglements for America, then we massively cut spending first, then we cut taxes." Bachmann went on to say that she would privatize social security, and to enumerate the the details of her tax plan. A 20% rate for all individuals, 9% for businesses, and the elimination of capital gains and estate taxes. And finally, the complete repeal of Obama care. Sure, Bachmann is a wacko, but she outraised Sarah Palin two to one last quarter and leads her own House race by nine points. In case you hadn't noticed, people have developed a real fondness for wackiness lately, an apocalyptic fever of sorts that makes them perfectly willing - eager even - to see the whole place burn. Work on that enthusiasm, people, November is creeping up on little cat feet. *other featured speakers included kooky Tom Tancredo, shrill pundit Michelle Malkin, third-tier talker Dennis Prager, and excretable toe-sucker Dick Morris. **Via the conservative version of death panels, I assume.

...but I grasp your point completely.

Maybe he's hiding his face in shame, but I personally think that Jon Kyl - the Arizona senator with a mighty suspicious shortage of letters in his name - is probably just playing peek-a-boo. Because any GOP deficit hawk who had worked as hard as he has to prevent the 35 billion dollar extension of unemployment benefits because it has insufficient offsets surely couldn't support continuing the Bush tax cuts for those making more than $250K a year unless... Oh, forget it. He has no shame. "You should never raise taxes in order to cut taxes. Surely Congress has the authority and it would be right, if we decide we want to cut taxes to spur the economy, not to have to raise taxes in order to offset those costs. You do need to offset the cost of increased spending. And that's what Republicans object to. But you should never have to offset cost of a deliberate decision to reduce tax rates on Americans." - Kyl, 7/11/10 "You should never raise taxes in order to cut taxes"? That's a non sequitur, Senator. But "you should never have to offset cost of a deliberate decision to reduce tax rates on Americans."? That's a motto! Peek-a-boo!

I somehow fail to grasp your point...

By way of explaining how American poverty is far superior to the poverty of the rest of the world... "One of the important lessons that came out of the Cold War -- and this is an important description that I don't think comes up enough - the Cold War was won by America because the engine of capitalism defeated the engine of socialism. The Soviets used to show a propaganda film - they wanted to show how horrible America was and how our poor were doing so poorly. They filmed a building in the poor section of New York with some broken windows and they said, 'Oh this is how the poor in America lives.' But it backfired on them because the Soviet citizens looked at that video closely and they saw flickering color television sets in all those windows." - Rand Paul To which TPM astutely appends "So, the takeway: Don't worry, freezing poor people with broken windows. At least you've got color TV." But FGAQ, being far less astute, ponders a different question: Doesn't this mean that the Soviets, even after being defeated by the engine of capitalism, also had some pretty nice televisions of their own? Color ones, obviously, in order to tell that the ghetto TVs were color, and ones with good enough resolution to be able to pick out that flickering from an exterior shot of the building. So what exactly is your point, Mister Paul? A man willing to mislead the American people on the topic of consumer goods is not a man to be trusted.

Much to the distress of the South Carolina political aristocracy, surprise Democratic primary victor Alvin Greene has been cleared of all charges of campaign finance irregularities, with law enforcement officials determining that he was able to pay the enormous filing fee of $10,400 all by himself, even though he is currently collecting unemployment benefits. "It kind of make me sick," said Governor Mark Sanford. "I've long felt that $1000 a month is overly generous for a state as cash strapped as ours and this is in your face proof of that belief. Alvin Greene has obviously gamed the system, and now he wants to be rewarded with a cushy career in the Senate. Yeah, sure, he said it was money he saved while he was in the army, but that doesn't make it all right. We don't need politicians who are on the public dole. Uh, maybe I should rephrase that." Greene will be running against beloved Tea Party mascot Jim DeMint as the self described 'best person to be Time magazine's Man of the Year', and if he manages to knock off DeMint in that loony-bin of a state, he will surely prove himself worthy of that sobriquet. His campaign focus will be on job creation, an area in which he should have particular credibility, and one in which he has fresh new ideas with which to restart South Carolina's manufacturing sector. "Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays," he told the awestruck Guardian UK. "Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs." "It certainly would, and South Carolina toys would probably not have all that annoying lead in them like the Chinese ones do," says South Carolina pundit Kathleen Parker, who recently offered conclusive proof that Barack Obama was America's first female president. "I love Greene's idea, and this state has a ready cast of characters. You could have a toy Mark Sanford with a little hiking outfit, and a toy Joe Barton with an insertable foot. I would love to have a little Nikki Haley doll that I could dress up in adorable little saris, and don't even get me started on how much fun I would have with a cute little Lindsey Graham or a demented DeMint troll. I already have a toy Alvin Greene action figure. It was custom made and quite expensive, but it was well worth it just to have a mate for my Obama Barbie."

merry...

Angle gets restraining order

Nevada senate hopeful Sharron Angle has been granted a temporary restraining order against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, as police try to confirm her claims that he was 'trying to hit the girl'. "Right now we're sorting things out," said Sergeant Ben Hurley of the Reno police department. "Even though Ms. Angle is well past her girlish years, if the charges are true it would certainly be a low blow to Nevada politics. At first we thought she was saying that Senator Reid was trying to hit on the girl, but after talking to her for just a few moments, I'd have to say that's pretty damn unlikely." Far from backing off the charges, Angle has ramped them up. Appearing this morning on a Los Vegas radio talk show, she went on to say that Reid had pulled her hair and made numerous attempts to look up her dress. She also claimed that he had shot her with a rubber band, but later backed off somewhat, saying that she had only seen him playing with a rubber band but had not seen him fire it. "All I know is that it gave me an ouchie," Angle admitted, adding that the incident had so angered her that she destroyed the evidence by throwing the weapon into the bramble bushes.

President Steele

Senator McCain. So glad to reach you... Who is this? You don't know who this is? This is your Chairman, that's who this is. Michael Steele... You damn right it's a big fucking deal, you just don't know how big it is. What do I want? I didn't say I wanted anything. Maybe I just want to talk... Uh huh... Uh huh... Well listen here, Senator John McCain, I was thinking about what you said a few days ago... About me. You know, that thing about how maybe I should reassess whether I can still lead the Republican Party as chairman of the RNC... Yeah, that. I've done me some serious reassessing and I think the answer is an unqualified yes. And I think the big question right now is not whether or not I can lead, but whether you and some of the other jokers can follow. I'm not going anywhere, McCain, not until the spirit moves me. And the spirit will move me, cause I'm going places, baby... No, hell is not on my itinerary at the moment, although I'd highly recommend it to you. I think they've got a discount for seniors. You know what I'm hearing lately?... Well, you better care. President Steele. That's what I'm hearing... All over, that's where I'm hearing it from, do you not read the papers? Andrew Sullivan and Ann Coulter agree with me about Afghanistan, that's a helluva pair of bookends, ain't it? Ann wrote a column saying that Bill Kristol should resign. Pretty funny, huh? And of course with the right I've got Ron Paul on my side, dude really packs a wallop, so I'm thinking the Tea Party's going to be falling in line. Damn war is expensive, man, bring those troops back and put the money back in people's pockets. And then there's about 80% of the Democrats who agree with me. Poor folks, they voted for change and they just got more of an endless war... Uh huh... Uh huh... You're a little senile, McCain, you just have trouble latching on to new ideas, I guess. I'm the maverick, now. I was just walking along, minding my own business, and I found this maverick title lying in the road. Some crazy old fool just tossed it away. Who knows why. Anyway, it was pretty beat up and tarnished but I took it home and it's starting to look like new. People sure do like a maverick. Whoa, you've got a pretty nasty mouth on you, McCain, hope nobody was recording that... Heh heh, just playing with you, but you've got to be careful about what you say... Me? You're wrong, man, I'm always careful about what I say. Maybe it sounds like I'm floundering cause you don't know how to listen... Again with that mouth. You better be careful, Senator, you're going to give yourself a heart attack. Yeah, I'm crazy all right. Politico says I'm crazy like a fox... That's right. Roger Simon, today. He says when you look at me, you aren't seeing a man wildly blundering, you're seeing a man running for president... That's not bullshit, man, you can't tell shit from shinola. Like he says, if I was the nominee, I'd end up getting most of the Republican votes anyway, plus I'd take a lot of the black vote away from Obama, and then there's all those anti-war votes just waiting for someone to call them in. Sounds like a plan, what you think?... Heh heh heh, you sure as heck are one x-rated geezer, McCain, if you could campaign like you cuss, you'd be on your way to a second term... Heh heh heh, fuck you too, Senator, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Blankfein's revenge

"Lu ah uh ace. Oo ain ell ih i aufie ow owlie." It was a strange statement coming from Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, so I politely asked him to repeat it. "Lu ah uh ace. Oo ain ell ih i aufie ow owlie." Apparently, I had heard him correctly the first time. Puzzled, I turned to his ever present aide, Smitty. "He said 'Look at my face. You can't tell if I'm laughing or scowling'. It's true, you can't. To most of the world, he's inscrutable," explained Smitty, a dark, statuesque woman of around forty. "I can tell, of course. I just can't tell you." In a sign that the much maligned Financial Reform Bill may be less ineffectual than many liberals believe, Wall Street has begun to punish Democrats by giving them far less bribe money than they usually proffer. Indeed, at this point in the election cycle, the big bankers have paid out less than 9 million to the DNC, down 65% from the same period in 2008. "That bill was quite hurtful," says Smitty, a wisp of a smile momentarily flickering across her lips. "It was mean spirited, and it caused our lawyers to work a lot of late nights, calculating the implications and figuring out how to bypass them. At this point, we still see a possible impact to our bottom line of two to three percent. That may not sound like much to you but to put it in perspective, that works out to about thirty times what we've given to both parties combined since the golden years of Reagan, money that will end up coming out of the pockets of our stockholders." "Ang fu uh oopows," said the voice emanating from behind Blankfein's hand. "He said 'Thanks for the loopholes'," translated Smitty. "Mister Blankfein is well aware of the fact that the financial situation in this country has caused some members of Congress to feel compelled to take certain symbolic actions. Still, we do wish there had been more loopholes, and larger ones as well. Such a slight cannot be ignored, and yet we feel the need to maintain a civil dialogue, so it puts us in a bit of a quandary. Our solution is not to entirely cease giving donations; that would imply that the process was broken. It's much better that we continue our payouts but to make them insultingly small, keeping the candidates in that limbo between resentful and grateful." "Mmm, mmm," said Blankfein, hurriedly scratching out a note with his Montblanc Diamante on cream colored paper and handing it to his assistant. "Mister Blankfein wishes to say that there will be no more fund raising parties until after the election," said Smitty, quickly scanning the note. "He'll reevaluate the situation next spring. And there's a personal note... 'You know that lavish diamond necklace that I gave Senator Gillibrand last month? Well, take a closer look, Kirsten, it's cubic zirconia'."

Ideas?

David Brooks, caught in mid-idea (from Driftglass) Today marks the beginning of the sixth annual Aspen Ideas Festival, whose intent is to gather the nation's biggest brains in politics, technology, economics, arts, opinionating, and religion together for cross-pollination, which, in theory, should be good for at least two or three really large ideas that will surely momentarily capture the imagination of the masses. Previous festivals have been responsible for such groundbreaking ideas as world peace and the solar-powered epilator. This years attendees include such luminaries as Bill Clinton, Eric Holder, Bill Gates, Lewis Black, Michael Steele, Alan Greenspan, Ariana Huffington, Janet Napolitano, and David Fucking Brooks. Scheduled entertainment includes nightly performances from regional spelling bee winners and the first Sodoku Olympiad to be hosted in the United States. "People ask me if I'm intimidated by being in the company of such massive cerebral cortexes," says RNC Chair Michael Steele. "I tell them, not at all. I saw Bill Clinton earlier today, and he kind of chuckled when he saw me, but unlike some of my Republican colleagues, he at least made an attempt to be polite. And why shouldn't he? He may have been president of the country, but I'm chairman of the Republican Party. And I've got plenty of brainpower of my own. I am not going to let myself be intimidated by the man. It's not as though he was some kind of Rhodes scholar." "It's exactly as though he was a Rhodes scholar," sniffed David Brooks. "Even a Villanova graduate should know that. Of course, we're talking about a man - Steele not Clinton - who couldn't even pass the Maryland bar exam, the easiest bar exam, I might add, on the entire eastern seaboard. Just as with his factually deficient comments on Afghanistan and so many other matters, Steele is a party chairman who speaks without being spoken to, and if our paths happen to cross this week, I fully intend to snub him. Pedigreed elite used to be based on noble birth and breeding. Now it's genius that enables you to join the elect. And I fear that Mister Steele will not soon be elected." "Jeez Louise," muttered Steele, "can't I ever catch a break? I thought my Afghanistan comments demonstrated a sort of plucky independence, a new idea that could be useful for the GOP. Maybe I should think about joining the Democrats and working for change that way. They seem a lot more flexible, and after all, they are on their second black president." "Talk of party jumping by the chairman?" mused Brooks. "I'm considering the possibility that this Ideas Festival may be proving itself productive in the long run."

Happy Independence Day from FGAQ

The Residents - Stars & Stripes Forever

give us liberty or give us another drink

I read the news today, oh boy... "When Anthony Dahm visited Champps Americana restaurant and bar Thursday, his menu of options had doubled: Thanks to a change in Virginia's gun laws, he could carry a semiautomatic handgun hidden behind the pouch holding his children's allergy medicine -- as well as the one worn openly on his hip -- without fear of committing a crime." Well isn't that special? What the Washington Post left out, what the Washington Post egregiously omitted, was the fact that when Anthony Dahn finally did get to proudly walk into Champps American with a semiautomatic stealthily hidden behind his sickly child's medicine and another semiautomatic on his hip... At least I think his other gun is a semiautomatic, it's kind of hard to tell, the way that particular sentence is written, but for the sake of the argument let's say that it is. But that's about all we know for sure, even though we don't really know that for sure. Donald Rumsfeld would say that it's an unknown unknown. Our known unknown is that we know we don't know the make of either gun, nor the caliber, or even the number of bullets in each weapon. Damn those hacks at the Washington Post and their shoddy reporting. I'm rambling. I'm cogent and succinct, but I am rambling. Back to the point, when Anthony Dahn finally did walk into Champps Bar with whatever type of firearms he was carrying, he was immediately treated as a second class citizen and denied his rights as guaranteed by the Constitution - the freedom to knock a few back. Unbelievable isn't it? With one hand the government begrudgingly grants him his 2nd amendment rights and with the other hand it yanks away his 21st amendment rights. That is not what I call progress. Virginia is a state where not only ex-felons and the mentally unstable are allowed to name their poison, but even those accepting unemployment or welfare are free to imbibe. Just not if they're packing heat. What the hell are you going to do in a bar if they won't let you get hammered - have a Coca Cola or a glass of ice tea? I suppose that you could play the pinball machine for a while, but even that would quickly grow boring without the aid of a few bourbons. What the state is doing is creating a situation where people will have to stay outside in their vehicles to get loaded, and then when they come inside, risk becoming so enraged by the denial of their rights that they're likely to seek a second-amendment solution to that outrage. That's crazy. I mean, most gun owners are law respecting people, but you can only push a man so far. You know what else is crazy? Anthony Dahn walking into a bar with two semi-automatics. Listen to me, Tony, if you think you're going to need more than one semi-automatic weapon when you venture into a tavern, you probably need to find somewhere less dangerous to wet your whistle. I've personally never been to Champps, but the warning signs are blazingly clear - they don't even know how to spell their own name, for chrissake.

Go Michael!

Did I hear you right, Chairman Steele? Did you really just give me an exclusive?

In a manner of speaking I did, Geraldo. I mean, this is the same thing I said in a speech Thursday night, but it's the first time I've said it on television - the United States should get out of Afghanistan. It's a war of Obama's choosing and it's probably a lost cause.

Wow, this is great. You know I don't get a lot of exclusives these days like I did back when I was a young buck.

Times change, Geraldo, but some things never change, like the inability of anyone in the last thousand years to engage in land war in Afghanistan.

A thousand years is about how long it feels since I last had an exclusive. I guess in 2008 when I was in Galveston and got knocked over by the storm surge debris live on the air was a bit of an exclusive, but the other media outlets never really picked up on it...

Uh huh. I tell you, Geraldo, I actually thought it was downright funny when General McChrystal got fired, because he should have known better than to be caught up in that mess.

You know what the problem is? My time slot. Weekends at 10PM, following Mike Huckabee of all people. Nobody wants to give you an exclusive with a time slot like that...

Rahm? Hey it's me. Can you get your butt over here to the office ASAP? There's something on FOX News that you're not going to want to miss.

Yeah, boss, what's up?

It's Michael Steele on the Geraldo show, and he's coming out against the war in Afghanistan.

I'm telling you, boss, that idiot is suicidal. Let me grab a couple beers out of the fridge.

Let's talk turkey for a moment, Chairman Steele... Isn't the rest of the Republican Party going to crucify you for your remarks?

They've tried and failed before, Geraldo. Sure, Bill Kristol and a few of the far right bloggers are getting their panties in a wad, but I think by the time this show airs tomorrow they'll agree with me.

Seriously? I guess I'd have to say that strikes me as a little bit counterintuitive.

Not really, Geraldo. After all, the GOP's recent surge in the polls has all been based on opposing President Obama, and it seems to me that we've totally missed the boat on Afghanistan.

So you think that by reversing position and opposing the war you could actually attract more voters than you would lose?

I know we could. That war represents billions of American dollars that could help bring relief to the economy Obama has destroyed through tax cuts, and also destroy his dream of a second term.

I believe what I hear you saying is that if Obama loses the war, it would be his Waterloo.

No, Geraldo. It would be his Afghanistan.

You know, Rahm, I wasn't particularly happy with the sound of that. They want to make me the star of a brand new metaphor. Could that possibly work?

Hmm... Well, there's no way Steele could get the entire GOP on that page, but with enough votes, particularly if they take a lot of seats in November, they could be in a position to cut off funding...

And then we wouldn't have any other option than to start bringing the troops home.

Right. But keep in mind America's obsession with losing a war, even an unpopular one. By 2012, there would be a tremendous amount of finger pointing, and none of it would be at you.

So not only would we finally be out of that shit-hole, but the voters would blame the Republicans?

We would be out of that shit-hole and people would blame the Republicans.

Go Michael! Go Michael! Go Michael! Go Michael!

Goodnight Chairman Steele, and thank you for that marvelous exclusive.